MJ13 - 38 Blessings - Marital harmony (14 of 39)

Last time you saw me,

We looked at blessing number 12,

Cherishing our children.

With the dharma talk today,

We'll move on in our series on enlightened living with blessing number 13,

Cherishing our husband or wife.

In some cultures,

Such as those of Indonesia,

There are only two logical answers to the question are you married,

Yes or not yet.

Western culture might not see marriage as quite so much of an obligation,

But it should be clarified from the outset that just because the Buddha said cherishing one's spouse is a blessing,

It doesn't mean that there are no superior ways to get blessings.

Rather than advocating marriage,

What the Buddha meant by this blessing is to avoid the dire consequences of neglecting a spouse.

Marriage can be an emotional minefield,

Which is why if you don't have a spouse or don't plan on getting one,

You have my permission to skip this blessing while considering that you have managed to get off lightly.

For Westerners,

Marriage has traditionally been portrayed as the high point of happiness in life.

The ancient Greek philosophers,

Who were the fathers of Western values,

Originated the myth of idyllic matrimony,

Which is the sentimental idea of men and women mutually searching for their other half who will make them complete,

Oblivious to the fact that you could say the same about coyotes,

Black vultures,

Albatrosses,

Or any other member of the animal kingdom with a pair bond.

Buddhism,

By contrast,

Bases its practices on the conviction that every person can be complete in themselves if they train themselves in earnest.

As I mentioned in Blessing No.

6,

Buddhism idealizes the exclusively spiritual aim in life,

And this is why the Buddha advocated a life of celibacy because life as a couple always leads to compromises in the intensity with which one can cultivate ultimate peace and purity of mind.

In many non-Western cultures around the world,

Staying single is an option chosen increasingly by professionals,

Especially women,

Who want to devote their time and efforts to their life's work.

They realize that otherwise,

Because of the expectations of society,

Marrying would involve a conscious decision to drop their career.

It is also traditional in many Asian cultures for couples to become celibate in their marriage relationship in the second half of life,

After their own children have grown up and left home.

Those with the inner strength to renounce the married life can thereby enter the fast lane of spiritual development.

However,

In practicality,

Renunciation of the married life is difficult because it requires an ability to see through the illusory nature of the self and the sense of pleasures.

Unfortunately,

Most people only realize the truth about marriage when they are already stuck in a relationship with a partner,

They detest.

It is ironic that the category of asexual has only lately been recognized with the addition of the letter A,

Tagged on like an afterthought,

To the end of LGBTQIA,

Before getting to the plus sign,

To denote its rightful place on the gender and sexuality spectrum.

Buddhism accepts the reality that renunciation is not for everyone,

And for that reason,

Does not decry marriage.

Even if the idea of renunciation appeals to you,

Once married you cannot just shrug off the duties you've taken on yourself,

You need to take proper responsibility for creating happiness in your marriage,

To make a success of the path of life that you've chosen for yourself.

Although the married life doesn't correspond to the highest set of aims in life,

Nonetheless,

If one can cultivate contentment with one's spouse,

And thereby avoid promiscuity,

Married life can nonetheless be considered a substantial pathway of training on the path of spiritual transformation.

Instead of a bitter nightmare where former lovers become the worst of enemies,

Understanding the nature of marriage can lead to the strengthening of character for all involved.

On the issue of marriage,

I've worked with what is available in the Buddhist scriptures.

However,

It should be pointed out that the majority of the scriptures focuses on monastic issues and therefore tends to idealize those who would see through the folly of their marriage,

Subsequently renouncing the world,

Or those who,

Like Venerables Mahakassapa and Bhadrakapilani,

Did only reluctantly out of respect for their parents' wishes,

Renouncing the world immediately after the passing of their parents.

So Buddhism advocates singleness and tolerates marriage,

But takes issue with promiscuity in the third precept by prohibiting it as adultery.

Although Buddhism considers marriage to be a social or cultural arrangement rather than a religious one ordained in heaven,

It is clear that it does not support sexual relations between partners who take no responsibility for one another or the possible consequences of their liaisons.

The reason for this is that marriage is not just a commitment to monogamous love,

It's also about the upbringing of a potential family.

Since on the issue of abortion,

Buddhism tends to align with the pro-life lobby,

This would not be allowed as a way to avoid family responsibilities.

Intimacy would need to come with mutual responsibility for the possible downside of sexual relations that might include possible fatal consequences of sexually transmitted disease,

Pregnancy or miscarriage.

It may include care for a disabled child.

It might include possible emotional trauma and regret coming from a by-product of intimacy.

Failure in a relationship may impact reputation,

Undermine health,

And erode a couple's perception of deeper meaning in any future relationships.

Nonetheless,

Buddhism does not prohibit contraception,

Which means it supports any couple to plan for a family.

You might argue that before getting married,

Maybe it would be better to try out living together first,

As it is increasingly true that Western couples cohabit before taking it to the next level by getting married.

From the point of view of Buddhism,

However,

The concern is less with the living arrangements than with the attitude towards intimacy.

No matter what their living arrangements,

Before getting intimate,

A couple would be wise to consider who is going to be there for the woman if she has a miscarriage,

Who would pay for the upbringing of a child born out of wedlock,

They would need to ask whether they would still love each other if one of them were disfigured by an STD.

This is the nature of the terrain of intimacy,

Irrespective of the cultural traditions of the society you find yourself in,

And which defines the sort of relationship a couple needs to build for themselves,

To be willing to shoulder responsibility for their actions,

Issues which are consistently downplayed by the Western mass media in a way that promotes a false sense of security concerning intimacy,

In an era when countless partners can be found at the other end of a dating app.

Facing up mutually to the responsibilities of living together and sexual intimacy demands enormous potential sacrifices on both sides of the couple.

It is these sacrifices and responsibilities the Buddha teaches about in the 13th blessing.

So although it has been characterized by researchers as sliding into rather than deciding about a relationship,

Cohabitation should not be the end of our young people's romanticism,

But should be the precursor to something yet more beautiful.

Is Buddhism any more progressive than other religions in regard to marriage,

Reproduction and gender roles?

Much of the advice I would describe for Buddhism today is unapologetically gender-specific,

Since the temperament of men and women are not considered to be the same in the eyes of the Buddha.

Sexuality and femininity are considered as distinct and immutable as the elements of earth,

Water,

Fire and air that make up our bodies.

One is not superior to the other,

But as we are taught in the Samyoga Sutta of the Anguttara Nikaya,

We are held back from enlightenment when we become enamored of these features of one's own or another's gender.

The Buddha's issue was with the attraction between the genders rather than the gender qualities themselves,

Because,

As he said in the Upatisutta,

No sight,

Sound,

Scent or touch can overcome the mind of a man like those of a woman,

And no sight,

Sound,

Scent or touch can overcome the mind of a woman like those of a man.

By extension,

For as long as a man or a woman is in a relationship with someone else out of need rather than love,

They will fail to make use of their nobler virtues such as wisdom and conscience.

They will tend to forget that love has a nobler side,

Which is motherly,

Brotherly,

Selfless or universal,

While settling for a love which is merely sensual,

Emotional,

Possessive or downright selfish.

That women are often shown in a bad light in Buddhist scriptures does not reflect the quality of women per se,

But it is because such stories were used as cautionary tales for monks tempted to this robe,

Which is a relatively common reason for the Buddha intervening to give a teaching.

Elsewhere,

The Buddha shows women in a good light and admits that women have an equal chance of becoming enlightened as men.

The issue the Buddha has is with promiscuity,

And this would be equally applicable to homosexual couples as it would be to heterosexual ones.

The wider fallout of marriage failure this blessing seeks to avoid can be summarized down to two main points.

Firstly,

There is the problem of broken families.

The manifest problem of broken families is in our society,

It adds to the economic burden to everyone except divorce lawyers.

Domestic violence and substance use are also implicated.

Secondly,

There is the trivialization of marriage as an institution.

Many get married with unrealistic expectations.

Rather than thinking about harmony as a household,

Couples become blinkered by possessiveness into a nation of two.

However,

Once married,

When the reality of the situation sinks in,

They find themselves ill-equipped to make a success of family life.

Ironically for many countries,

Sex education has become a compulsory school subject,

But the subject of how to be a good husband or wife,

Or even a good parent,

Is assumed to be something that requires no explanation.

So to come back to our previous advice from Robert Browning,

That success in marriage is more than just finding the right person,

It is about being the right person,

What sort of husband or wife would we try to become ourselves or seek out in another?

One relevant piece of advice from the Buddhist scriptures is the teaching to Sujata,

The younger sister of Anathapindika,

Who at the time was causing considerable friction in her own marriage as a result of ill-chosen words.

The Buddha enumerated seven different sorts of spouse,

Some desirable,

Some undesirable.

We can use these categories as a mirror on our own situation to throw light on possible room for improvement in our current or future relationships.

The seven categories of spouse include those like an enemy,

Those like a robber,

Those like a boss,

Those like a parent,

Those like a younger sibling,

Those like a friend,

And those like a slave.

First type of spouse to avoid is one like an enemy,

Or vattakasamappariya.

It is the sort of spouse who is partial to acts of violence.

Sometimes when a marriage is ill-thought-out,

Domestic violence results,

Where instead of being compassionate,

A husband or wife is cruel or threatening to their partner,

Even going as far as to harm them,

This is a spouse like an enemy.

The second type of spouse to avoid is a spouse like a robber,

Or jyotisamappariya.

No matter how much combined wealth a couple has,

If one of the couple is partial to gambling or extravagance,

Then they will be headed for debt.

There's an old saying that seven robberies of your house are better than having your house burned down,

Because at least the robbers leave the house standing.

But having your house burned down is still seven times better than being married to a gambler because even though a house burns down,

The land is still left.

With gamblers,

You'll be dragged into debt to the point that they will not even leave you the land that your house stands on.

The gold digger tendencies of this sort of spouse often means that once they have bankrupted one spouse,

They'll move on to someone with more money to offer.

A spouse with such characteristics is known as a spouse like a robber.

Third sort of spouse to avoid is one like a boss,

Or ayaa-samappariya,

Where the previous categories of spouse have threatened your life or your possessions.

The boss spouse will threaten your honor.

They will be the sort who pulls your ears or humiliates you in front of your friends.

They might be lazy,

Imposing unfair burden of shared work on their partner.

A spouse with such characteristics is a spouse like a boss.

The fourth sort of spouse which is a lot less intimidating is one like a parent,

Or mata-samappariya.

Just as a parent has unconditional love for their children,

Forgiving all of their mistakes,

Such a spouse will forgive their partner for anything they do wrong.

Their strengths will be especially apparent when their partner is sick or incapacitated,

And they will look after their partner with the same care that they would look after one of their own children,

Rather than thinking to abandon them.

This is also true of a spouse whose partner dies when the children are still young,

But who perseveres in bringing up their children single-handedly without thinking of remarrying.

So these are all the positive features of a spouse who is like a parent.

The fifth type of spouse,

Also one for keeps,

But slightly less so than the parent,

Is a spouse like a younger sibling,

Or pakini-samappariya.

Such a spouse is the same as the parent spouse,

But a little bit more playful,

Needy,

Moody,

And emotional,

But at the same time trusting and guileless.

They tend to be careful about their behaviour,

Respecting and looking up to their partner as if they were an older sibling.

A spouse with such characteristics is a spouse like a younger sibling.

The sixth category,

Also positive but slightly less so than the parent or the younger sibling,

Is a spouse like a friend,

Or sahaya-samappariya.

I have the impression that this is the sort of spouse that is idealised most in the Western world these days.

Such a spouse is one of similar background,

Tastes,

Education as their partner.

Maybe they have known their partner since childhood.

Such a couple tend not to have much sense of respect towards one another.

Their outlook on life will be similar and they can get along quite happily together.

Such a spouse will tend to be generous and sincere,

Empathising with their partner in all they do throughout their life,

Like a friend who perseveres through thick and thin.

A spouse with such characteristics is a spouse like a friend.

The eighth category,

Also positive but slightly less so than the parent,

The younger sibling or the friend,

And the last in the list,

Is that who is a spouse like a slave,

Or dasi-samappariya.

It may not sound very constructive,

But often it can work out as a marriage by mutual compatibility.

Often the intelligence of such a spouse is rather less than that of their partner.

They may allow themselves to be dominated by their partner because they owe their partner big time for some slip-ups in the past.

A spouse with such characteristics is a spouse like a slave.

There is a joke I was told by one of my students down in Alabama about a monk's ignorance of marriage.

Apparently,

One of the meditation students was testing out his teaching monk's knowledge of the hell realms,

And he asked him,

How many levels of hell are there in Buddhism?

The monk replied that there are eight,

All the way from Samthiwa at the top down to Abechi at the bottom.

No,

Said the student,

There are more hell realms than that.

Oh,

Said the monk,

You mean you're counting the purgatories and the satellite hells too?

In that case,

The total number is 456.

The student annoyed the monk further by saying,

No,

You're wrong again,

There is one more hell than the ones you're talking about,

And it's not one that is known to monks,

It's only known to laypeople.

The monk was indignant,

Trying to control his frustration with this smart-arse disciple.

So if you're so smart,

Tell me what it is,

The sort of hell that only laypeople know about but monks are ignorant of.

And the student replied,

Hell number 457 is being trapped in a marriage with someone you hate.

This is why in connection with marriage,

You often hear the metaphor of tongue and teeth in close proximity.

When chewing one's food,

If one's teeth and tongue fail to cooperate,

Biting one's tongue can be painful enough to bring tears to the eyes.

In the same way,

If a husband and wife fail to be helpful in understanding one another through close proximity,

Tears too can be expected in the long term.

Don't know if you're familiar with the rather creepy dating game show called Naked Attraction,

Where couples pair off according to satisfaction with each other's private parts.

Yeah,

I haven't got a slide of that one for obvious reasons.

Apparently,

Very few couples that selected each other on the show went on to have a serious relationship.

Others ended up being hospitalized after their first date.

You will therefore not be surprised to hear that Buddhism has a rather different definition of the compatibility between couples that will allow them to stay together,

One that is less interested in physique than the personalities involved.

According to the Buddha,

It is necessary that marriage partners are compatible in terms of the level of virtues they possess,

Particularly the four virtues requiring compatibility or Samma Jivitamma found in the Ango-Srenika's Jatuka Nibbhata.

Firstly,

A couple needs to have compatible levels of faith or Samma Siddha.

Beliefs are especially important for having a shared aim in life.

Secondly,

A couple needs to have compatible levels of self-discipline or Samma Sila.

A couple needs to have the same standards of precepts,

Manners,

And etiquette as one another.

Thirdly,

A couple needs to have compatible levels of self-sacrifice or Samma Jataka.

There needs to be a similar level of commitment to generous deeds or helping out others to avoid misunderstanding.

Lastly,

A couple needs to have compatible levels of wisdom or Samma Bhanya.

Such wisdom might extend to creativity,

Empathy,

And common sense.

In other words,

Being on the same communicative wavelength without one or the other being overly intransigent.

In addition,

Concerning age disparity in a relationship,

The Buddha warned of the perils of old men bringing home a young girl as a wife,

With the words from the Parabhava Sutta that when an old man takes a wife who is a vigorous young girl and cannot sleep because of his possessiveness for her,

This leads to his downfall.

In the time of the Buddha,

There was no such thing as legal registration of marriages.

A man,

A woman,

And their families decided that the knot should be tied,

And thereafter they lived together.

There were even some historic complications like those of polygamy,

Courtesans,

And surrogate mothers,

None of which worked out well,

But which I won't go into today.

In those days,

Marriage was carried out in the presence of the lay community rather than the presence of the spiritual community.

In Western society,

The present day,

However,

Legal registration of a marriage is required and bigamy is illegal.

Details differ from country to country,

And Buddhism tends to go with whatever is legal,

Especially where there are physical advantages.

However,

There remains no specific Buddhist ritual or procedure to conduct a marriage from one country to another.

In general,

There will be a religious service for blessing and to give advice to the new couple performed either in the home or in the temple.

Some hesitate over becoming officially married over concerns such as whether their marriage vows will substitute for affection as the bonds to hold the couple together.

However,

This misses the point of legalizing a marriage in a way that is publicly witnessed.

How do you think a wife would feel if her husband were too embarrassed to admit he had married her?

Or how would the husband feel if the wife refused to wear a wedding ring?

Marrying is about showing each other due respect,

And this is the foundation of trust which unifies the couple.

So I would like to tell a quick story from the Dhammapada commentary.

The story is about a reluctant marriage and its resolution.

There once was a girl who was the daughter of a treasurer in Rajagaha.

She had been going to the temple since the age of seven and had wanted to be a nun from an early age.

Her parents didn't permit her,

Saying that she must finish her studies first.

Consequently,

She applied herself as an exemplary student.

When she finished her studies,

Again she asked her parents' permission to become a nun,

But they refused,

Saying that they wanted to see her married.

Consequently,

She was married and continued to do the best of her duties as a faithful wife.

One day,

The husband was going to take his wife to a fair and told her to go and put on all her best jewelry to look her best at the fair.

The wife replied,

I don't see the point of putting on any more jewelry than this.

The husband asked why not,

Because he had already bought her so many nice items of jewelry.

The wife declared that any beauty we may have is only illusory.

The skin of our body just hides the putrescence inside ourselves.

The husband teased her,

Saying with that sort of thinking wouldn't be better off as a nun.

The wife replied,

Actually those were the words I've been waiting to hear.

The husband allowed her ordination and after becoming a bhikkhuni,

Within a very short space of time,

She could become enlightened.

Whatever duties she had had to do in the past,

She had always done to the best of her ability.

Therefore,

When she became a nun,

Before long she could complete the goal of ordained life with ease.

So,

To return to our subject matter for today,

On cherishing our spouse,

Having availed ourselves of a suitable spouse,

Let's continue seeing how a marriage can be sustained.

Like running a marathon,

Rather than sprinting 100 meters,

Life in a long-term relationship demands more resourcefulness than dating or romance.

How can a couple sustain the joy of their initial encounters while developing the love and understanding to ensure a happy and stable marriage?

How can partners respect their own dignity and that of their better half,

Instead of running off to get a divorce at the first sign of a quarrel?

In a recent book about marital stability called What Predicts Divorce,

An American psychologist called John M.

Gottman discovered that immediately conflicts within a marriage start leading to stonewalling.

In other words,

The husband and wife are no longer on speaking terms.

The further life expectancy of the marriage will not exceed three years.

Of course,

Conflicts cannot be avoided in a marriage,

But the secret of a happy marriage seems to rely on keeping open channels of communication to deal with the conflicts.

Accordingly,

It may come as no surprise that the Buddha never recommended getting plastic surgery or spicing up a marriage as a way to sustain a relationship.

Instead,

Like Gottman,

He addressed the gravest enemies of marriage,

Distrust and suspicion.

The Buddha recommended keeping open good channels of communication and thereby maintaining,

With one's marriage partner,

A healthy emotional bank account,

Or sangha-hawato,

As it might be termed in Buddhism.

There are four ways of maintaining a healthy emotional bank account,

Which I have elaborated on particularly today for husbands and wives.

The first is giving resources or dana.

If two people are going to live together,

They must be able to share what they have with their partner.

Any relationship that lacks sharing will be parched like an emotional desert.

Once married,

All the property once individually owned should be shared.

To hold back something as an individual asset will only create suspicion,

And suspicion kills marriages.

This is why it is important to keep open a channel of communication in the marriage,

Whereby both can be open about any problems concerning material resources.

The second is endearing speech or biya wajah.

A husband and wife should take care always to address each other with polite speech,

Even in the case they need to criticize each other.

Sometimes if things become too informal,

Careless words may perturb the harmony of the family.

If in doubt about whether to say something,

Ask yourself whether it would be fit to print.

Ask yourself whether the words you are heaping on your partner are praise or encouragement,

Or criticism and sarcasm.

Even in the things you say,

You shouldn't belittle your partner's efforts to please you and provide for the family.

Don't trash talk what they do either to their face or behind their back,

Since what you say to them is probably more important to them than the opinion of anyone else.

The third is helpfulness or atajariya.

A husband and wife need to lend each other a helping hand,

Rather than laying all the blame on the other partner when something is amiss.

Both need to take collective responsibility,

Looking for a solution together instead of trying to find someone to blame.

Also included in this aspect of helpfulness is being able to anticipate your partner's needs,

Whether it be quality time or time alone,

The cookies you used to bake,

Or the occasional evening away from the children.

So don't get defensive when your partner voices a need,

Because actually it may save a lot of guesswork.

Try to be a good listener instead,

And do the best you can to accommodate,

Even if it means going out of your way to do so.

The final aspect of emotional bank accounts is consistency or samanatata.

Both husband and wife have implied duties in marriage which I'll come to shortly,

And living up to these duties will diminish any suspicion in their partner.

If a husband has decided that his wife should take responsibility for the running of the house,

He should not subsequently come interfering in the household affairs.

Having a family email for strangers to contact you,

Rather than private texting,

Can help relieve any possible cause for suspicion in the couple.

Ways to avoid suspicion are not always obvious in every situation,

To know what might cause a scene further down the road,

But if both partners meditate on a daily basis,

They will tune in more easily to behaviours that are consistently responsive to their partner.

Based on these four principles in the Sikhila-Varasutta,

The Buddha advised of five duties a husband should fulfil towards his wife,

And five duties a wife should fulfil towards her husband.

The duties of the husband go something like this.

Firstly,

A husband will need to give due praise to his wife.

This might mean admiring your spouse in comparison to others,

Praising them in a way that makes them feel they are valued and irreplaceable.

It might be as simple as saying there's no one who makes a better cup of coffee.

Some husbands say,

She already knows I think she's beautiful,

That's why I married her,

But sometimes she needs to hear her husband say it out loud,

Since everybody needs a boost in their self-esteem every now and then.

Secondly,

He will need to avoid ever looking down on his wife.

I suppose this covers the cardinal sin of mansplaining.

Even though a couple is married,

It doesn't mean that the husband will have an attitude of respect for his wife.

Degrading his wife in front of his family or friends is tantamount to humiliation.

Be respectful of how she feels about mutual concerns,

Even if you might not agree,

Because much unhappiness and resentment comes from a person thinking they are being constantly disrespected by someone else.

Thirdly,

He will need to avoid ever cheating on his wife,

Because this would undermine the human dignity of himself and his wife.

The Sutta Nipatthas,

Tissamitthaya Sutta,

Describes the feeling of a husband found guilty of sexual misconduct as follows.

Whatever fame and reputation he had before,

Of course vanishes.

In the group of his fantasies,

He broods like a beggar.

Hearing the outrage of others,

He gets depressed.

Hearing the spread of gossip,

He then hides in his own embarrassment.

He cannot accept the criticism of others on this count and may lie to those who try to counsel him.

Fourthly,

He needs to reach an agreement on delegation of domestic responsibilities or whatever else is required to ensure a healthy work-life balance.

Whatever their professional roles,

Husband and wife need to come to an agreement according to the principle of the emotional bank account,

Whereby domestic responsibilities are not neglected.

Many Indian scientists claim that wives are more skilled in multitasking.

Nonetheless,

Juggling and balancing work-life,

Home-life and a social life is likely more efficient if both husband and wife are on the same page.

Lastly,

He should not forget to do small things for his wife.

This little detail preserved in the scriptures probably errs from a time when the husband was often away on business trips.

The little gifts brought back with the wife were a way to express the love and appreciation of a husband for his wife despite his absence.

Perhaps more details can have an impact on how a wife is left feeling about the relationship.

It might be as simple as filling up her car with gas the night before so that she doesn't have to do so in the morning.

These simple acts of kindness are often the only things which get a wife through her crazy busy day.

Reciprocal set of duties for a wife to her husband are also five in number.

Firstly,

However,

The domestic responsibilities have been shared out.

First,

She will need to ensure that the house is peaceful,

The food nourishing and the house is truly a home to the family.

Secondly,

She will need to take proper care of the in-laws to the best of her ability.

She must be especially careful what she says to them because a few ill-chosen words can have serious diplomatic consequences.

Thirdly,

She will need to avoid ever cheating on her husband for all the same reasons I mentioned earlier for the husband.

Fourthly,

She will need to take good care of the family wealth.

In Thai Buddhist households,

It is the wife who is empowered to oversee the family finances and in doing so,

She should be neither extravagant nor stingy.

Lastly,

She may need to fill in any gaps in the domestic responsibilities.

Having divided up the chores,

They may not always be split down the middle.

Sometimes one of you ends up cleaning more than the other which is cool as long as it gets bounced out down the road.

I deem it his task to do the laundry if he is super swamped that week.

The wife should avoid hemming and hawing too much about handling it.

Tossing in a load of washing without making a fuss will show him you're a team since in the end it's all about that ebb and flow.

Finally,

For the married couple in Buddhism,

We are particularly fortunate to have passed down to us the tenfold advice given to Visakha by her father Dhananjaya on the day of her wedding.

He advised his daughter firstly to avoid letting the fire inside go out which means not to go spreading the family's dirty washing for people outside the family to know about.

Secondly to avoid letting the fire outside come inside which means not bringing gossip or problems from elsewhere into the household.

Thirdly giving to those who give to us which means helping those who have helped us in the past especially the in-laws.

If you lend things to the neighbours and they return them promptly,

You should allow them to borrow them again a second time.

Fourthly avoid giving to those who give nothing to us which means not lending things to people who never return them or return them late.

It may also mean not helping those who refused us their help in the past.

Fifthly whether or not others have given to us a married couple need to be generous anyway.

This applies to those who are full or in hard times where we should always try to find a way to help out.

Sixthly we'll need to make sure that the food is amenable which means making sure the meals served to the family are nutritious.

Obviously we can't all be a sushi homemaker especially if we have a career of our own but it shouldn't be too much trouble to learn a few favourite dishes from the endless food blogs to find some new creations that can be simple and fast.

Good food goes a long way to bringing people together.

Seventh they will need to find an amenable place to sit which although it might sound like selecting comfy armchairs is mostly about yielding respect where necessary.

Don't be in a hurry to pass off the kids immediately your partner walks through the door from work.

Rather take a moment to establish an atmosphere of appreciation and respect for everyone's contribution to the family.

Eighth they will need to find an amenable place to sleep which means they should make sure that the sleeping place of everyone in the family is restful.

You need to try to make your home a haven a place to unwind.

Of course it can't always be perfect but try to make the home as relaxing a place as possible.

Classically in Buddhism this means the sacrifice of being prepared to get up before anyone else in the family and go to sleep when everyone else has already gone to bed.

Ninth they will need to quench the fire to keep the marriage going which means that they need to take special care of the in-laws or spouse when they are on fire in other words in a bad temper.

Even if they should unload on us in an unpleasant way it may be necessary to hold our silence instead of arching back immediately.

To say even the right thing at the wrong time will only make the situation worse.

Sometimes we must wait until things have simmered down before explaining the real reason for a situation.

This may mean not forgetting to smile.

Some days you might not feel like smiling around the house but go ahead and fake it at first.

Put on that plastic smile and most likely your natural smile will emerge shortly afterwards.

Any sort of smile will help quench the fire and show a willingness to turn the corner on any unpleasantness.

Lastly they will need to be respectful to the angels which means being big-hearted towards one's in-laws.

The ideal for any marriage spiritually speaking is for husband and wife to bring out the best in each other.

Any disparities in compatible virtue levels between husband and wife can be reduced by encouraging each other in spiritual practice,

Nurturing a mutual interest in spiritual self-development namely by practicing generosity,

Keeping the precepts and hearing dharma talks and meditating.

Some are scared to encourage their spouse to have too much involvement with spirituality in case they turn professional and leave them to bring up the family alone.

You sometimes hear the Buddhist men complaining,

I wanted a wife in the home not a nun.

However,

One ought to be grateful for a high-minded spouse given the possible alternatives of excess in the way we've seen for the first three of the seven categories of spouse.

Because of high-mindedness goes with good moral conscience.

Supporting them in practice in a couple is one way to reduce the temptation to stray from the marriage.

In the olden days,

If a piece of equipment or a pair of shoes were worn or broken,

The owner would always take care to have it mended as new.

No matter how much effort it took to have it mended,

The owner would be prepared to make the sacrifices.

Buying something new would be considered an extravagance for as long as there's any remote possibility of mending it.

These days,

However,

We have turned into a throwaway society,

Not just for possessions but for friendships and marriages as well.

The threshold for patience and loyalty is lower than it's ever been.

Single-parent families are as common as those with both parents in many countries.

So at what point would Buddhists consider a divorce to be justified?

In this respect,

There are two scenarios that make a difference to how justified divorce might be.

Firstly,

Being bored of a particular partner and secondly,

Being bored of married life in general.

In the first scenario,

One or both of the marriage partners feels that their marriage is not working and that they would be happier if they went to live with someone else.

In other words,

They want to trade in their present spouse for a new one.

Unless the reason is domestic violence,

Buddhists would consider a divorce in this case to be a bad idea because what the husband or wife is failing to realize is that the faults they are trying to escape by divorce are not their ex-partners but their own.

If they do succeed in getting a divorce,

Then they will take these faults uncorrected to their next marriage and history will repeat itself.

So rather than asking for a divorce,

The person would be better to get down to improving their own character in earnest,

Starting with forgiveness and humility,

In order to shore up the relationship.

This scenario probably applies in 99% of the cases,

With only the remaining 1% related to domestic violence for which Buddhists have zero tolerance.

Most people have no idea before going through a divorce how destructive it will be for themselves,

Their children and their reputation,

As well as for their spiritual development and for everyone else,

Yourself and your spouse know.

In the second scenario,

If after all efforts to ameliorate your marriage,

You realize that the fault is not with your spouse but with marriage in general,

This might be a valid reason for divorce.

In such a case,

You will have seen through the folly of being involved in a relationship at all.

If the reason you want a divorce is in order to upgrade the intensity of your spiritual vocation by leading a life of singleness or celibacy with the genuine intention of never again entering into a new relationship,

This would be a valid reason to obtain a divorce.

One should however minimize the negative effects for any children you may have by waiting first until they are old enough to be independent of you.

So we will finish up with a Buddhist cautionary tale about infidelity in marriage,

Which reminds me a little of the Hound of the Baskervilles.

The story goes that during the dispensation of Buddha Kasapa in the city of Kimbilla,

There lived a male supporter of the Buddha who had attained stream entry.

He had a large group of friends who were also devoted to the Buddha.

He did many good works,

Planting parks,

Building bridges,

And above all,

He built a peaceful monastery for the monastic community.

Together with his friends,

He often visited the monastery to listen to the Dharma teachings.

The wives of the group of disciples were also followers of the Buddha.

They liked to visit the monastery often,

Taking many offerings for the monks.

On their way to the temple,

They used to break their journey in rest houses.

One day when the women were at a rest house,

A group of anti-authoritarian teen musicians,

A bit like a rock group in the present day,

Took a shine to them,

Because the women all looked exceptionally beautiful and graceful.

At first,

The women were embarrassed by their advances.

Later the musicians laid a wager amongst themselves on who could compromise the virtue of any of the women,

A little bit like in the movie Cool Intentions.

One of the musicians played a seductive song until one of the women became enamored of him and committed adultery.

Later when her husband found out,

She denied it,

While pointing at a nearby dog and vowing,

If I had done such an evil deed,

Let that hearless dog eat me wherever I am reborn.

From that day on,

However,

The women languished,

And not long afterwards she died with a bad conscience.

She was reborn as a hungry ghost with mixed retribution near the Kanakunta Lake of the Himavanta Forest,

Which is basically the first level of heaven.

Beautiful lotus ponds surrounded her heavenly mansion on all sides,

Owing to the good deeds that she'd done in support of the masochistic community.

And trigger warning here for anyone who doesn't want to hear about being eaten by dogs,

You might want to cover your ears at this point.

However,

Every night at midnight,

An invisible force compelled her to get up and go to the lotus pond.

There,

At the pond,

A black dog was waiting for her,

The size of a young elephant,

Terrible to behold,

With cropped ears,

Huge eyes,

Blazing,

Sharp claws,

Shaggy hair,

And a tongue that came out.

In a flash,

The dog threw her to the ground and devoured her flesh in a frenzy until only the skeleton was left.

He then seized her skeleton in his teeth and dragged her to the pond and threw it in.

Each morning,

The woman reappeared from the pond in divine form.

She went up the bank and went back to her heavenly mansion.

In this way,

She lived out her retribution for 700 years.

So,

This cautionary tale on marital infidelity brings me to the conclusion of today's session on Cherishing One's Spouse.

So this session I have introduced you to blessing number 13 on caring for our husband or wife.

For my next session,

I'll move on to blessing 14,

All about not leaving our work undone,

Which explains about dangers of procrastination.

Hopefully as a result of today's session,

You will be a little bit more savvy or at least forewarned in the task of selecting and sustaining a marriage.

So for today,

This is me,

Pat Nicholas,

Tyne Nistrow,

Signing off for now.

So long folks and stay safe.