When Lies Break Love: Rebuild Trust Before It’s Too Late

Let's start.

We talk about rebuilding trust after it's broken.

And before we get into more detail and how it looks like and what you can do to change it and rebuild the trust,

I want to talk about two things that I think is important to bear in mind to move forward,

To move through trust,

To deal with betrayal,

To deal with lies,

However you feel about it.

And the first one is when people say,

I don't trust you anymore because they have been lied to or they have been cheated on or whatever it was,

It doesn't matter.

My point is that we often generalize this trust into every area.

But if we go a bit deeper,

If we look into it a bit further,

You may find that when the trust is broken in one particular area,

For example,

They have lied to you multiple times for doing something and they haven't done it.

So you don't trust them that they are reliable in supporting you with domestic stuff,

For example,

Paying the bills or whatever.

But you may still trust them being a good parent or you may trust them that they look after you,

That they care for you,

That they are committed to you.

And I want you to be careful when you say,

I don't trust you anymore,

That when you say it and the usual meaning is I don't trust you anymore and nothing ever again.

But you don't mean that.

You usually mean there is in this circumstance,

Because of what you did here or what you've done over the last couple of months,

Years,

That's where I'm not trusting you anymore.

So differentiate where is the trust still there and where isn't the trust there anymore.

And the other thing I want to say is that when we lose trust,

When our partner betrays us,

We lose the trust and we think that they are the problem and they have now to redeem themselves so I can trust them again.

But in reality,

What happens is,

Yes,

They've done this,

But you also lose trust in yourself.

In the sense of that you don't trust them or you don't trust yourself anymore because you haven't seen the signs that they are cheating.

You have allowed so many lies.

Whatever kind of trust you lost,

You lose trusting yourself as well because of what you've done,

What you accepted,

The boundaries that you didn't set or said and didn't reinforce.

So it's not just the other person,

It's also you that loses trust.

So these two things up front before we now get into it.

And of course,

There are different ways and different reasons how you lose trust.

And today we talk about dishonesty.

And through my relationships and through my experience,

I met many people who said,

Ah,

But it's a white lie or it's not that bad if you had good intentions.

And the thing is,

I personally have decided for myself that it doesn't matter.

A lie is a lie.

Full stop.

If you looked into my eyes and told me intentionally something that was not true or that was on purpose hidden,

Another fact that was important or said,

Yes,

I do this and then never had the intention to do it,

That's to me a lie.

Full stop.

But it's up to you how you see that.

So don't let me tell you how you have to define a lie for yourself.

That's up to you.

So moving forward.

So how does it look like when trust is broken because of dishonesty?

And one way it could look like is that you check your partner's phone all the time when you get the chance.

And you do that and you're getting very good at it.

You master that skill to look through the phone quickly and efficiently.

But afterwards you usually feel guilty.

Pardon me.

You feel guilty that you did it.

You feel guilty that I remember I did it and I felt guilty because I didn't have the courage to ask or to tell them,

Show me your phone.

I want to look into your phone.

Because in my head that meant that I am weak,

That I admit that I don't trust them.

But in the end,

It was obvious that I didn't trust them,

But I didn't want to lose my faith in that scenario.

So I didn't tell them I did it secretly.

And afterwards I felt guilty,

Particularly when I didn't find anything.

If I found anything,

Then it's like,

OK,

Now how do you explain this now that you don't want them to know that you do this secretly?

But when you find something,

How do you explain them,

Yes,

I did it?

So it's a bit tricky.

But it also reflects that you have this need for control.

Because losing trust also means losing control.

You have this illusion that you had control at one point,

And that illusion has been broken.

And now you try to get that control back.

But this need for control usually happens because you lost the trust in yourself.

And how that works is when your partner betrays you,

When they have lied to you and you didn't see it or you saw it and ignored it,

You lose the trust in yourself.

Can you trust yourself?

Did you see the red flags?

Did you ignore the red flags?

And being honest with yourself that,

Yeah,

This is me looking for reinforcement of what is it?

What is it when you look through the phone?

It's control.

I don't find a different word.

It's control.

That's what you need.

You need control to feel better.

And you do this,

Of course,

Out of fear,

Fear that you might be right,

Fear that you might be wrong,

Fear that you might lose them,

Fear that going then deeper from the surface level,

Fear of losing them,

Et cetera,

Going deeper,

Deeper,

Deeper into the subconscious,

You might realize that it's not about them.

It's about you,

That when they betray you,

When they are dishonest and you not ignoring the red flags,

Then you have the responsibility to do something,

Forgetting that it's always your responsibility to do whatever you want in your life.

It's always your choice.

But then it forces you.

It's like,

Here,

They lied again.

What do you do about it?

And you just say,

Oh,

I'm just ignoring it.

Okay.

I mean,

That's a decision.

And it's okay whatever way you go with that decision.

But be clear,

Know that it's your responsibility.

It's your choice.

It's your power.

And it's a blessing and a curse,

Let's say,

Because sometimes it's just easier to put it on the other person and their behavior.

But if you go with it,

That's on you.

The other example is that they would do something and they didn't do it.

For example,

They would pay the bills.

They would do the washing.

They would look after the dogs,

Whatever it is.

But they said they do it.

They didn't do it.

And now you lose the trust.

And it's not just that they didn't do it,

But they never had the intention to do it.

Or maybe not the intention that you thought they should have,

Because that's sometimes the problem as well,

That you might have expectations on how your partner should do a task,

By when.

So,

You have the timeline,

You have the process,

How it's supposed to be,

How it's supposed to look like,

And then they don't do it.

So,

Your expectations aren't fulfilled.

That takes away from the trust you have in them.

And we come back to you.

What's your part in all of this?

But what happens then is you double-check everything.

And particularly if they don't do it the way you want them to do it,

So your expectations aren't fulfilled,

You end up doing it yourself.

And then you're annoyed.

And you're annoyed at them.

And if you go subconsciously,

Deep down,

You will find that you're annoyed with yourself.

Because having expectations,

Yeah,

It's hard.

It makes life easier if you let go of the expectations.

It doesn't mean that you put up with everything.

That's something totally different.

It just means that you don't expect,

And if you're not happy with what you get,

You just remove yourself from the situation.

But again,

That's your choice.

And the third example I want to talk about is you used to tell them how you feel,

What you think,

Your ideas,

Etc.

And particularly during a heated argument,

They bring up that you're crazy,

That you're stupid,

Your ideas are stupid,

Whatever it is.

But they dismiss and diminish all the vulnerability that you have shown them.

And now is the point,

What is the truth?

Do you believe them this or do you believe them what they said to you before?

And that's,

Again,

Dishonesty.

You will never know where the truth lies.

It's up to you to either believe them or not to believe them.

But what comes out from them playing around with listening and letting you being vulnerable and being there for you and then taking it against you is that you shut down.

You stop sharing your feelings.

And that makes you feel lonely,

Probably,

I could guess.

So let's move on to what happens if nothing changes.

And the first thing that happens is there is an emotional disconnect,

Which of course leads to a physical disconnect or the physical disconnect is there before and then comes the emotional disconnect.

And when we talk about emotional disconnect,

What I mean is that you don't share your thoughts,

Your feelings,

You don't share your ideas,

You don't trust that you can be yourself around your partner.

And when we talk about physical intimacy,

I talk about,

Yes,

Of course,

We talk about sexual intimacy,

But we also talk about hugging,

Kissing,

Holding hands,

Being standing,

Sitting next to each other closely,

Or just a hand on the shoulder.

And it can also lead that you replay old betrayals in your head,

Because when you don't deal with the betrayal,

When you don't deal with your boundaries and don't build the trust up in yourself for yourself and for your partner,

If that stays unsolved,

What happens is that it's a never-ending story.

You will go through it and whatever situation comes up that is just closely to the situation that started it all or made the biggest impact,

That's what you come back to and that's what you replay.

And that's mentally very draining.

It can also happen that you stop believing in the good moments because you're waiting for the next letdown.

So,

What I mean is you don't enjoy being together anymore,

You just wait for the next thing that you argue about,

That you look through the phone or that they don't do what they said they would do,

Or that they take what you said against you.

So,

You just wait for that and that again is very draining mentally,

Emotionally,

And in the end physically,

And of course not good for your relationship.

And you start to wonder if you're better off alone than staying stuck in this cycle.

And here's the thing,

My personal opinion to this one is not every relationship is worth saving.

The only relationship that is always,

Always,

Always worth saving is the relationship you have with yourself.

And as we know,

The relationship you have with yourself is a reflection of the relationship you have with your partner.

So,

If your romantic relationship is shite,

Chances are that the relationship you have with yourself,

The trust you have in yourself,

The acceptance you have for yourself,

The gratitude you have for yourself,

Etc.

,

That's shite as well.

Sorry to say that,

Not sorry.

But what we want and what happens when you step forward is that you get a stronger and more honest and transparent foundation.

And that's what you need for a long-lasting,

Deeply connected,

And fulfilling relationship.

You need that foundation of honesty and transparency.

It doesn't mean that you need to like everything your partner says or that you have to control them.

It's quite the opposite.

It's being okay with what comes up and trusting yourself that if they cheat on you,

It's your decision what you do.

And you know you can do that decision or you can make that decision and it doesn't matter.

It will hurt,

Of course,

But it doesn't matter because you know I trust myself to make that decision the best way I can and for the best of me.

And of course,

It renews faith in each other's actions.

And the other thing is that if you start working on it is you feel more secure and stable in your relationship.

Now,

The big question is what to do.

And the first one,

I believe,

Most important one is trust yourself.

Learn to trust yourself again and forgive yourself for all the red flags you have ignored in the past,

For everything that you think you did wrong and didn't see and went through because you believe you weren't strong enough,

Etc.

Forgive yourself for that because it brought you here.

And here you are now knowing that yes,

I can do this.

And even if I can't do it in the way that I might want to do it right now,

Every step counts.

So it starts with your awareness and it continues with your acceptance,

The acceptance of yourself.

So please start with yourself.

Learn to trust yourself.

Learn to forgive yourself.

The other thing you could do is to commit to total transparency moving forward.

And this is a tricky one because sometimes we don't want to know everything.

And on the other hand,

If someone isn't used to being transparent,

They might think that not everything is worth sharing.

So be prepared for a period of confusion and where it's better but not good and where you have fallbacks,

Etc.

Because if your partner is someone who's never been transparent with their partner,

They don't know how to do it.

Same for you.

If you've never done it,

You don't know how to do it.

So give both of you the space to grow into it and find out what is it,

What does this mean for you,

What does transparency mean,

What are the things that are important to share,

What are the things that you can mention when it comes up,

When it's not something you come through the door and say,

This is what I want to tell you.

So talk about it,

Find your middle ground,

Find what works for you and give yourself the time to get into the groove of that.

The other thing is,

Agree on a way moving forward,

Be honest with what you want and can accept.

What this means is that even if you go with the transparency,

Even if you go with something else,

Whatever it is,

Be honest to yourself that what you want,

What you agree on is what you want and not just something you think you should want or something you think this is a good thing to have or to expect or my friends have said,

Etc.

How does it feel for you?

And I'm not talking about listen to your head and what comes up and it's,

I'm talking about your gut,

How does it feel in your gut,

Your body feeling,

How does that feel when you talk about it,

When you listen to your agreement with your partner?

Because that's the compass that you should follow,

Nothing else.

Now let's,

The last one is regularly check in about feelings and concerns.

So I do this with my partner as well,

At least once a month I ask him,

So is there anything you want to talk about?

Is there anything you are happy with?

Or mainly I'm concerned about the things that he's not happy with in our relationship.

And then we talk about what we're not happy in our relationship,

Maybe there was something that happened and at the time we didn't talk about it,

But then we bring it up.

And I also ask if there is something he needs from me that I haven't given him.

And he might not have mentioned it because for whatever reason,

Life happens,

He didn't find the words,

He wasn't clear or didn't know it was something that he missed,

But now he is.

So it doesn't matter where it comes from,

The importance is that you check in,

You just see what's up with you,

What's up with you in our relationship and whatever comes up,

Try not to take it personally.

Because again,

That can be a lose of trust as well,

If you ask and you get their honest answer and it's not what you wanted,

Again,

Your expectations aren't fulfilled,

That can lead to a lose of trust and then your partner will shut down.

And we come back to the third example that I gave you,

That they feel lonely because they know if they tell you something,

You just taking it personally,

It ends up in a big argument,

Heated argument and sometimes might hurt and they don't want that.

And it's okay not to want that,

Because it's not nice.

And before you go and try to change your partner,

Look at yourself and reflect on what are you bringing to the table and what are you willing to give.

Again,

Be honest,

That's the most important part,

Be honest to yourself,

Because I don't want you to promise anything to your partner or yourself that you don't really want to give,

Because that makes it very hard and we don't want that.

It doesn't have to be hard,

It can be super easy,

But it's your choice.

And with that,

That's the end of my talk today.