Home Shelter Week 4: Opening Our Hearts

I refuse to play small.

I am going to be abandoned,

Playful and helpful.

And of course,

Hopeful.

This week 4 in the Stay Home Fellowship is all about learning.

I am Carmen Roman.

I am a clinical psychologist helping people with anxiety,

Trauma and depression,

And working hard in this pandemic crisis.

Stay with us.

Living in harmony is possible if you know your emotions and how to handle them.

I am Dr.

Carmen Roman and I will share with you the current psychology by myself or by interviewing experts who will inspire you.

Learn how to live a life of fullness and how to recover your emotional harmony.

Welcome to Emotions in Harmony.

Welcome back.

I have a little surprise for you.

I invited my husband.

In three years,

He has been behind the scenes doing everything.

But this time he is brave to take the microphone.

Just a little bit.

Just a little bit.

Thank you,

My dear.

You're very welcome.

Three years,

My dear listeners,

Three years.

We passed three years in April 23 this week and we are so grateful for your preference.

One hundred and something episodes,

86 countries.

Oh my God.

I am so grateful that three years ago I have a little idea in my head and my idea was to bring some information and also some hope and some company,

Let's say,

To your ears.

Because I truly,

Truly believe in the power of psychology but also I truly believe in the power of spirituality,

In the power of company,

In the power of sharing.

So stay with me.

Hopefully we get another three years and another three and another three.

I have still material for more years.

Isn't that true?

That's space definitely.

Yeah.

Well,

Some of you know,

Some of you,

If you have at least another episode,

Sometimes I talk about my husband Vince and he has been really,

Really behind everything.

If he,

If I am preparing the topics,

He's around organizing and connecting the cables and sometimes cooking and helping and everything,

Doing everything between his job and me.

He has a really,

Really full time job.

Two full time jobs.

Two full time jobs.

Okay.

We are going to do this experiment and do this episode together.

So this week I am going to talk to you about this week four of the fellowship and why I'm telling you,

If you didn't listen,

One,

Two and three.

Why I'm telling you that this is a fellowship?

Because I got the idea that we could pass this together and I gathered some women,

Spanish speaking women.

We launched a group,

Psychoeducational group and 17 women more or less responded so far.

And they are in four countries in Argentina,

In Mexico,

In Venezuela,

Some of them,

And in the United States and they are starting inviting to their friends.

So we start six and then 10,

Now we are 17 and we are working together twice a week,

Three times sometimes to share how we are doing,

How we can learn from each other.

Sometimes just to laugh.

Sometimes just to share how we do the haircuts.

Speaking of that,

I just got a free haircut from my wife this weekend.

Yeah.

Well,

My dear listeners,

You don't know that many births that I have,

But the one is that I was hairdresser for seven years.

So I'm the only guy on lockdown who has a haircut now.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He got a professional haircut and how was it?

It's pretty good.

For the first time,

Your wife cutting your hair.

Yeah.

First time in years.

Uh huh.

Yeah.

I gave up on the scissors like many,

Many years ago when I wanted to be a psychologist,

But I still enjoy it.

I enjoy working with the scissors.

The fear and the uncertainty kicked again when we learned in the week four that we were going to be locked down for another three weeks.

Do you remember back in March that they say we are going to be three more weeks?

Yeah.

After an extension after another.

Yeah.

When we were like,

Oh,

We probably will be back to our normal life and then three more weeks.

Boom.

Yeah.

We'd spend,

We never know when it's going to really lift and how it's going to lift and how slowly and what elements of society are going to go back and what order.

And the fear really kicked in for our people.

These women that I'm working with and other people that I'm working with and friends and family,

Some of them really start having a lot of fear about is ever going to be our life normal again?

Well,

No.

How I can tell you?

No,

No,

No.

It's not going to be normal again.

And that's not a bad thing.

Do we want it?

Do we like our normal life before?

Yeah,

We did.

Oh,

You did?

Okay.

Well,

Both ways.

I think we make the most of whichever way it is.

I think so.

I think it's a good attitude if I can say so.

There is this author that says that they discovered that when we move to another country,

Some people say,

I am so unhappy in this country.

Oh my God,

I am so unhappy.

And if you interview them,

Normally they were unhappy in their old country too.

And people who were or tend to be happy in the other country,

In the former country tend to be good and happy in the new country a little easier.

Yeah.

It's a little easier to get happy.

So it's about perspective.

Yeah,

I guess where you start is part of it.

Yes.

So for some people that is in fear and it's not natural fear.

First of all,

Let me tell you,

It's totally natural that you have fear and anxiety because we are in the unknown.

We don't know.

Nobody knows.

Many people don't know.

I mean,

There is a virus there that we didn't know months ago and we didn't know months ago that this is going to be the year that we will be in our houses.

If somebody comes and tells you,

You are going to be for the next couple of months only in your home,

You cannot go only you can go only out for walking and buy groceries.

What you will say my dear?

Wouldn't have believed it before December.

Wouldn't have believed it.

You say maybe in another country,

But this country or maybe in any place.

Pretty much.

Yeah.

Well,

There were earlier pandemics,

But not like this.

So first of all,

We didn't kind of know that there was a pandemic going on and all this is strong.

Right.

You only heard in December of it was on the other side of the earth for us and it didn't hit home for a while.

For a while.

Yeah.

So this is very new for all of us,

For the country,

For the government,

For us,

For our neighbors,

For everybody.

The biggest fear that I hear from the women was the financial situation.

So this is why I'm talking about playing small is tempting.

I refuse.

I don't want to play small.

Even though I am scared,

Even though I can be scared to my core and feel it in my heart,

In my stomach,

Et cetera,

I refuse to be scared about money.

Let me give you an example.

Imagine that you order pizza because now it's probably one of the few things you can order.

You can order a takeout pizza and the guy brings and delivers the pizza and you are here afraid in your home and you don't want to go out because you are terrified that you get this virus.

And you are also terrified that you don't know how to pay the rent or you decide to give to the pizza guy $1 or 50 cents tip.

That is plain scary.

That is not trusting.

And I know like how I can give him more if I don't have money.

But guess what?

In my experience,

Actually the people who really,

Really don't have money,

They tend to give more tips in proportion to their.

.

.

And I've heard more charitable contributions too.

Yeah.

So if you are in your house and you have your house and your clothes and some of these purses that cost more than $100 and you are giving cheap tips,

No,

This is not the time.

This is not the time to play small.

Right.

I mean,

A lot of those people are taking big risks by coming out.

So it makes sense.

You are here and scared about the virus,

So they are too.

Right.

And they're scared about it,

But they're possibly exposing themselves every day.

Yes.

They may have family.

They may have somebody to take care and they need to do it.

Or let's play.

Let's say they are not afraid.

They are outside having fun,

But they are still at risk.

And they decided to go and work and bring your food.

Right.

Yeah.

So no,

I refuse to play small.

I am going.

.

.

Not that I am going to give a huge tip that I cannot afford,

But reasonable and I can afford and I am content and I am grateful.

Getting frustrated and being rebellious is another behavior that I noticed in week four.

People say,

I have enough.

There is no government that can tell me,

No county,

No anybody who can tell me that I can stay in my house.

So I am going to do whatever I want.

Which does no good because you're exposing yourself and everyone else even more.

You can tell my husband gets like.

.

.

Yes,

That is not good.

Yeah.

What are you doing there?

We don't want you to get sick.

But also listen,

If you are there outside not afraid and whatever,

And you get sick,

Whether you want it or not,

Whether you decide or not,

You most likely will take resources from the community,

Time from the doctors,

Paid in the hospital,

Et cetera,

Et cetera,

Et cetera.

That we really need in this epidemic.

So going out and exercising your freedom to not be living in the virus is like my brother in law say throwing years of research.

Ignoring years of research.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And also not being that careful with our community.

And not only are you exposing yourself to catching the coronavirus,

You're bringing it back to everyone else you're near.

Your family,

Your friends,

Anyone else you happen to be near.

Because if you don't believe,

Yeah.

I don't know if there is a profile.

I will think about it and start making my own theories as this goes.

But of course I have people that I am working with that tend to be less cautious about it,

But it also synchronize with they are less cautious about many other things.

They are kind of in a risky side of the behavior.

Yeah.

So if you are in the risky side of your behavior,

If you run in a motorcycle or drive fast or get into dangerous situations and you are thinking the coronavirus is nothing really,

It's not going to do anything for me,

I wish you the best.

Good luck.

Good luck.

I wish you the best really.

I wish you that you don't learn the hard lesson because nobody deserves to learn the hard lesson.

I also saw fatigue and anger about not having other options than a video conference.

People is like,

I'm tired of this video conference system.

If you are getting tired of video conference,

Please do some exercises for your neck.

You know what?

Cats and pets are very good as distractors.

I always suggest to my clients,

If your cat or your pet comes and you are in the computer and grabs your attention,

Just pay attention and move away your eyes a little bit,

Like 20 seconds,

30 seconds or whatever from the computer to pet your animal or to talk to your dog or to talk to your child or whatever.

These interruptions are good thing.

And sometimes the people you're talking to have more fun with it than you do.

Yeah,

That's right.

Sometimes the people in the conference are going to enjoy that because we need some sanity.

We cannot be all focused like hours and hours and hours and focus in the computer.

It really gets tiring and gives us fatigue.

It's something.

The fatigue from video conferencing and being in the computer is going to be something really soon.

Also,

People is tired of getting information in social media about the coronavirus again,

The topic again.

Oh,

I want to see something else.

This is what I heard this week.

I want to hear something else.

I'm tired about the dumb topic.

And the other problem is they get a lot of misinformation.

That's right.

If you get into social media and you are not wise about choosing your options or your sources,

You are going to get fear and anger or sadness pretty soon that probably is not needed.

Yeah.

I don't say that it's very sad to see other people in other countries suffering,

But you can get this from better sources or more that have a better perspective.

You don't need to do the dramatic way.

As Mark Twain once said,

A lie can make its way halfway around the world before the truth had a chance to get up and put his pants on.

And that was before the internet.

Yes,

That's true.

Thank you.

It's true.

Yeah.

So with the internet,

Everything gets faster.

So be careful of your sources and how you read.

Now in the good side,

There is a good side.

I like to see good sides just to keep some perspective.

People are more able to seek resources and speak up.

Now they are learning.

What I am learning from groups,

The groups that I'm working with,

They are learning to create new routines.

Isn't that beautiful?

We love adaptation.

When adaptation is in our way,

When we need to do it,

We do it as human beings.

We adapt.

This is,

We are wired.

We are made for that adaptation.

This is where the magic of 21 days kicks in.

21 days,

You create a new habit.

Not a new habit,

My dear.

A new habit.

You create a new habit in 21 days or you create a new routine in three weeks.

So now we are locked down three weeks.

We learn how to clean the houses,

Take care of the children,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Cut our own hair.

Whatever we need to do,

We are learning.

Cook our own food.

We didn't cook it before or whatever you didn't did before and now you're forced to do,

You are learning.

Yeah,

You're forced to adapt and it can be a good thing.

It can be a good thing.

And also I observe the sense of community and belonging,

At least in the group that I am working with in the fellowship and the stay home fellowship.

People start having this sense of belonging.

Now we are addictive.

Now they want to be after an hour and an hour and they come and they come back and we laugh together and we share.

And we also as a group,

We pass some very difficult times.

Like somebody from Venezuela was saying,

We only,

We are not only dealing with the coronavirus like you guys,

We are dealing with tuberculosis.

So other people is like,

We are dealing with extreme poverty.

Yeah.

And you only complain because you are in your home.

Yeah,

Well,

A lot of people are suffering here too.

I mean,

A lot of people are losing their jobs and the economy is going to be in the tank for awhile.

Yeah,

Everywhere.

This sense of community and belonging is extremely important.

If you have a group of friends or family,

Connect with your family.

Do create books,

Some conferences or video conferences.

Do something that make this sense of belonging in community and et cetera.

Please go to the solutions.

The solutions that I am going to offer you as other weeks doesn't matter.

I'm going to repeat to you again and again and again.

Reach to your friends and family.

Go all to them or reach by text or something.

Keep doing the exercise.

Whatever exercise you can,

Whatever is your preference,

Please keep doing exercise.

Going for a walk,

Doing exercise at home.

Try getting the best food you can.

Food choices.

If you can choose between a vegetable and a burrito.

Potato chips.

And potato chips.

Yeah.

Guess which one.

It's more fun,

The potato chips,

I know.

Tortilla chips.

Oh,

That's a big one.

No,

Go for the tortilla chips.

Try to choose the vegetable.

Try to minimize the consumption of alcohol,

Caffeine or cigarettes.

Try to minimize and let me tell you why,

Because whatever you are doing for your health right now is kind of opening an investment account.

Whatever you can do right now,

This is going to last long.

Even though they finish the lockdown,

How are we going to go back?

Even though we are going to our work,

Still it will be challenges.

The companies need to adapt.

We need to adapt probably a new job,

Whatever.

So keep investing right now in your emotional wellbeing because you are going to use it.

So this,

I have two questions for you to finish this conversation today.

Two questions I am going to leave you with these two self-reflection questions.

What is the talent you can share with your family,

With your community or your friends?

What is the talent you can share with your family?

Remember,

The topic for today is I refuse to play small,

Which means I am going to see what I can do for others.

Whatever I can do,

Call and check on my neighbors,

Do masks for many people,

Offer to deliver groceries or do whatever is your job or your talents or if you play beautiful music,

Play for us in the internet.

If you sing beautifully,

Please sing for us,

Open your live video and sing for us something beautiful or if you are a podcaster,

Create something for us.

So whatever is your talent is time.

Now is the time for the talent.

And the other question is,

What is it that you want to learn and what you can do about it to learn it?

What is it that I want to learn?

Since I'm going to be locked down here and I have,

I don't know,

Free time,

But if you have some time,

What is it that you can learn?

This is a great idea because you often say,

I don't have enough time for this,

That or the other thing.

Now you have too much time.

My new teacher,

Marie Forleo says,

If it's not in your schedule,

It is not important to you.

So if it's important to you,

Write it down in your schedule,

Make a little time,

Even 10 minutes,

Even 15 minutes a day or a week or something,

It will slowly,

You can build up a new skill or something.

Very good idea.

Yeah.

You want to say something?

Do we are closing?

I don't think so.

I think I'll let the pro carry it out.

Thank you my love for the,

Being in the first time for the first time on this side of the microphone.

Happy to give it a shot.

Tell us,

Tell us what you think.

You may cheer with beans and say,

Please beans come back or leave Dr.

Carmen Roman alone.

In the microphone,

In the microphone only my dear.

And tell us what you think about this experiment.

Tell us how you are doing.

Go to our social media and say,

Hey Carmen,

This is my week three or two or one or I don't care.

I am the one of the ones that you say that I don't care.

I don't care.

Oh,

I,

I want to play small.

I don't have energy or time or whatever,

Or I'm so afraid to do something for the world.

Tell us what you think.

Share in our social media,

Share through WhatsApp,

Share through whatever and give me some patience because I am very slow at this moment because trust me,

I am working so many extra hours.

People is having a lot of anxiety and panic attacks and blah,

Blah,

Blah.

So it's slow,

It's slow,

But we are here delivering this content for you and it's important.

It's extremely important.

If you like this episode,

Please share it,

Share it because we want you to be part of this stay home fellowship and others to be part of this stay home fellowship.

You know what?

We are more or less up besides these 17 women.

I think I have an estimate of between 3000 and 5000 people.

I think so.

Based on the numbers of every episode,

One episode was 8000.

So this fellow chip is getting bigger.

Yeah,

It's getting bigger.

And if you are there listening to us,

No,

You are not alone.

You have us.

We are working here for you.

We are here for you,

At least in the podcast format.

Well said.

Thank you.

And take care,

My dear fellow.

Bye for now.

We have reached the end of another episode of the podcast Emotions in Harmony.

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