Addiction Dissected Part 1 - L,L,&L With Glenn Ambrose

Welcome to Life Lessons and Laughter with your host,

Glenn Ambrose.

Hello,

Everybody.

Welcome to the show.

Let's bring on Aubrey.

There's Aubrey.

Hello.

Hello,

Hello.

Here we are.

Here we are talking about addiction today.

Addiction.

Yes.

That's nice and light.

You know,

I did one about addiction years ago,

Many years ago,

Maybe like five or six years ago,

Maybe longer.

And it was one of the more controversial episodes as far as as far as like feedback from people.

It was yeah,

People,

You know,

The podcast is called Life Lessons and Laughter,

But people don't like it when something's a trigger,

Especially,

You know,

And I mean,

You know,

Which anything can be like I got backlash from.

You know,

Depression.

I got backlash from addiction.

I got back.

Well,

You know,

Things that cause suffering obviously trigger people.

So and with a podcast called Life Lessons and Laughter,

Some people do not like talking about serious subjects unless you are really serious and they should be listening to other podcasts.

It's just going to happen here.

You know,

It's all.

It's very,

Very sensitive topic.

Yeah.

And it's,

You know,

Like,

I mean,

I guess,

You know,

I grew up I grew up in a town that was all French Canadian and we all made fun of French Canadians,

You know,

Because we're French Canadian.

So nobody was going to take it seriously.

You know,

Nobody's going to take it personally.

So it's kind of like,

You know,

I was an alcoholic for 20 years,

Man.

I paid my dues.

I'll say whatever the hell I want about addiction and I'll laugh and I'll do like I earned it.

So so it's like,

You know,

Buckle up because I don't know what's going to be said,

But it sure as hell ain't going to be filtered.

Absolutely.

So,

Yeah,

It's you know,

I mean,

Because I'm fully aware of the suffering,

You know,

It's because I experienced it and I lived it for 20 years.

So,

You know,

I'm fully aware of that,

But I'm also aware of recovery,

Which is basically the point of and to me,

It's the point of any topic or podcast or discussion about addiction.

Otherwise,

Why talk about it?

Like,

You know,

I mean,

Sometimes we have to understand the problem.

So it's not that we're necessarily going to jump into solution only.

But what I'm saying is even if you have a podcast solely dedicated to discussing the topic of the problem and you don't even touch on the solution still,

Why bother talking about the problem?

Right.

Just it's it's so you understand it,

You know,

Like,

So why do you want to understand it so you can get to the solution?

So even if I you know,

I don't have an intention of doing this all about the problem.

But like my point is,

Is even if we even if I did do it all about the problem,

The underlying meaning or reason would be to push to get people to understand it so they can go into the solution,

You know?

Yeah.

So and I mean,

You know,

My experience,

There was tons of laughter in in AA when I was you know,

I was heavily involved for seven,

Eight years,

Heavily involved.

And I mean,

It was there.

We're always laughing,

And it was because we're safe.

We're in safe space around other people that were just like us.

So when somebody was talking about experiencing something,

We very often people would break out in laughter.

And if people were really sensitive that day,

Or people didn't understand,

It was usually the outsiders that had a problem.

Yeah,

You know,

They're usually the ones that didn't understand the laughter,

Because everybody else we're laughing because we're like,

Oh my god,

That was so me.

So when you identify,

Yeah,

When you identify you just break out in laughter.

It's it's,

And ironically,

It's a chapter in my book that I termed spiritual laughter,

Because there's it's a very specific laughter.

There's no judgment in it.

It's just you see your stupidity and poor decisions for what they are.

And it's so ridiculous that you laugh.

Yeah,

Without judgment.

You know,

It's a very freeing,

Healthy laughter.

So so so we'll see how this goes.

But that's my like,

If you're listening to this podcast for addiction,

And you're expecting there to be no laughter and me to be real serious,

Just end it right now.

Right?

Where it's gonna go.

Hopefully there's going to be some good information,

But there's going to be some laughter too.

Yeah,

Yeah.

Addiction is a sensitive topic.

You know,

There's people that experience addiction firsthand,

And then there's people that experience it secondhand,

You know,

With people that they care about,

And people they love.

I feel like I've been on both ends of that spectrum,

Maybe not to the degree that someone that is an addiction,

You know,

Would say that they're an addiction,

Because I know,

You know,

There's levels to this,

Right.

But I've been dependent on things right that have been tough to get off.

And it's not I didn't find myself in some crazy situation where I lost everything,

You know,

But it didn't get to that point.

As far as being impacted,

You know,

Having addiction in your life doesn't necessarily mean within you,

It could be within a parent,

You know,

Or a friend or someone you care about and how you deal with that.

And I dealt with that a lot,

You know,

And I really wanted to understand it.

I dealt with that with a parent,

I've dealt with that with very close friends,

Family,

Spouses,

You know,

Just everywhere I go,

It seems to kind of follow me,

But I wanted to understand it.

And actually,

I went through my 12 steps just to kind of understand and I,

I think that that's something that anyone could benefit from,

You know.

Yeah,

Yeah,

They're very powerful.

And I mean,

Really,

They saved my life and woke me up spiritually that,

You know,

That's how I entered into this way of life was through addiction and specifically through the 12 steps.

You know,

I went through them in three months,

Which I like,

You know,

To me,

It's a very to six months is great because there's a there's a momentum,

You know,

And like,

How long can you suffer while you know,

Some people and this is just my perspective.

I mean,

I understand that there's multiple ways to do it.

So I don't.

So I'm just speaking from my personal experience.

I don't say I don't think that everybody should do it the way that I do it,

Did it.

But like,

It really worked for me and I saw it.

Personally,

I start work better for the people that I took through,

Like I took groups of people through the 12 steps.

And for me,

Like when I did it,

It was about five or six months.

It's just my style.

It took a little longer,

As there's so much spirituality in the book.

And we went through every word in the first.

My God,

I used to know this was 165 pages or something,

Whatever.

The front of the book is all of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous,

You know,

Which is the Bible for all the addiction programs like that one.

It's yeah,

It's like the first 165 pages or something.

The back the rest of the book is all stories,

You know,

So the front of the book is all the program and laid out.

And so we went through every word,

Underline this,

Circle this,

Write this in the margin.

This is what this means.

And we took the 12 steps as we went through.

And I went through with a group of like seven guys,

And I had the least amount of sobriety.

I don't even know if I had 30 days when I started.

Some of them had 25 years,

And they were going through it and everyone had a majorly powerful,

Impactful experience.

So I like doing it like that.

And I've seen it work for other people.

And I've seen other people doing,

You know,

Where they wrote their fourth step over four or five years,

Some of them.

And it's a long time to suffer.

Like I didn't have four or five years to live.

I mean,

I was close to death.

So like I was,

You know,

I kind of went in with that attitude anyway.

I was like,

If this 365 tools,

I need 365.

I don't need 364.

I am about to die.

I need it all now,

Yesterday,

Please,

Thank you.

You know,

That's how I,

Because I was literally on the edge of death.

So it was like,

Let's either do,

Should I get off the pot?

Let's do this or don't.

You know,

And I got exactly what I needed.

And I've seen lots of people,

You know,

Taking four or five years to write their fourth and fifth step and they're relapsing during that time.

And they're suffering during that time.

It's like,

You're just,

It doesn't,

You don't necessarily,

You don't need that much time.

Like you said,

You don't need more time to suffer,

You know,

If you could,

That's what it is to me.

Faster way,

Why would you choose the longer route?

And it's the,

And some people say like,

You know,

The,

Because I've had many discussions on this in the past.

A lot of times people say you have to do it thoroughly.

And it's,

And I agree,

You have to do it thoroughly as humanly possible.

But in my experience,

In this specifically,

This is where I first saw it and I've seen it time and time again throughout the last 19 years in spirit,

My spiritual practice is that the universe works on intention and effort.

It does not work on whether you do it perfectly.

Because I mean,

I was jacked up,

Man.

I had difficulty speaking,

Finishing sentences.

I was like,

I was bad.

I couldn't,

My brain did not,

It was,

You know,

I was getting wet brain.

Like I could not retain information.

I was incapable of doing a fourth and fifth step fully properly.

Like,

Like,

You know,

Like remembering every single thing.

And like,

So,

You know,

Fortunately that's not the,

The,

The,

The,

The program that I went through,

You know,

They,

Like I said,

We went through in three months.

So I did it to the best of my ability in one or two weeks.

I wrote out my fourth step to the best of my ability and it worked,

You know,

Because I saw patterns and I was as thorough as I could at that time.

But then,

You know,

A year later,

Six months later,

Five years later,

Sometimes something would come to me and I'd be like,

Oh my God,

I didn't even think of that.

Well,

I just did a mini fourth and fifth step on it and a mini eighth and ninth step if necessary.

You know,

So for those of you listening,

The,

The,

You know,

The reason I'm singling out those steps is they're basically kind of known as the action steps.

So fourth and fifth is writing down,

Fourth is writing down all your harms done others,

All your sexual harms done others,

All your fears and all your resentments.

And like we wrote it down in a specific way and then you go over that with a sponsor preferably,

You know,

And,

And he points out,

You know,

Mine really knew the program well and he just pointed out patterns.

He was,

He was like,

You know,

I'm writing down all these girlfriends,

You know,

From when I was 16,

17,

18,

19,

20,

21.

And he's like,

Dude,

You were a kid.

You didn't know what the hell you were doing.

I mean,

Did you intentionally hurt somebody?

And I'm like,

No.

And he's like,

Okay,

Well,

So,

You know,

So I mean,

What,

You know,

What did you do?

Well,

I don't know.

You know,

I dated this girl and,

And she,

She really liked me and then I dumped her.

It's like,

Well,

That,

That's called being a 16 year old.

Like that,

That's life.

That's right.

You,

You all good date.

Like,

You know,

You know,

And he's like,

You know,

We will,

We can look at it.

Don't get me wrong.

You know,

Like we can slow down and we can look at it,

But I'm not going to spend 30 minutes on every one of these.

They're all the same.

So if you dated 50 girls,

I'm not going to talk about 50 girls.

Like you know,

We can probably group 48 of them in one thing and just,

And then these two that you're a real asshole too,

We'll,

We'll deal with those separately.

So it's just in the interest of time.

You get the point.

Like,

You know,

If,

If you sit there and you go,

Okay,

Well I had false expectations or I didn't think about her.

I was thinking about me.

Like if you see that pattern,

You're like,

Okay,

That what's important is that you get it out of your system.

You say it to another human being because that actually is brings up shame and heals the shame,

You know,

Which Brene Brown does a great job talking about shame specifically.

And I always knew what it did because of the program,

But I never heard it explained until Brene Brown came out and started talking about shame.

She's like,

Shame cannot stand the light.

As soon as you talk about it,

It starts dissipating.

This is why you,

The fifth step is done because you have to,

You actually literally have to say the words I did this.

And then when you,

When you're saying that to somebody else that understands,

Cause they've been there too and they don't judge you and it's a safe space,

That energy starts breaking up and dissipating.

Yeah.

You know,

This is how you transcend things.

This is why I can talk about things 19 years later.

So matter of factly that I did to people because I don't have the emotional charge because I dissipated that going through my fourth and my fifth step and my eighth and ninth.

So the other,

So that's fourth and fifth,

Eighth and ninth is basically you make your eighth,

You write out your eighth step off of your fourth and fifth step for the most part,

You know,

And,

And then,

Then you look at it and you go,

Okay,

What amends?

It's an amends list.

And then make ninth step is making your amends and it's,

You know,

Which is the fun one.

It's the one you,

I mean,

Listen,

It's a,

There's a lot of power that comes with amends,

But what's great is,

You know,

It's,

It's worrying about your side of the street regardless of what the reaction is,

Whoever you're making.

It is,

It is.

And it's like the ninth,

The ninth is probably the most misunderstood step,

Ironically,

Because it's like,

Because it's the step that everybody that like when people start going through the steps or recovery and,

And all of a sudden they start having these like little spiritual awakenings and they start actually getting it that like,

Oh my God,

Like,

Because that's actually what the steps are.

The 12 steps are the purpose of them is to induce a spiritual awakening.

A spiritual awakening is just a shift of perception.

That's all it is.

They actually clarified this in the back of the book.

And what's funny is if you read the first one 65 or whatever it is,

I got,

I got to look at the damn number.

So if I keep saying the wrong number,

I'm going to irritate myself.

But if you look at the,

At the first,

It really says specifically that a spiritual awakening is not like,

It's not a lightning bolt up the ass.

It's not this overwhelming God consciousness.

That's not what it is.

It's not what they're talking about.

It's just the shift of perception,

Perspectives.

And they,

They allude to that and say it pretty much multiple times throughout the beginning of the book.

But people still were getting hung up on that so much so they kept thinking it had to be this overwhelming God consciousness so much so that they refuse to change the beginning of the book.

They've changed the stories to keep up with the times low,

But they have not changed the original text in the beginning of the book.

Because they don't think they should.

And with good reason,

In my opinion,

But,

But they did put an appendices in the back,

Just clarifying a couple of things.

Like they added the principles in the back,

But the main thing that they added was a thing called spiritual awakening.

And it says this,

It's just a change of perception.

It's just a change of perspective.

That's it.

It's not an overwhelming God consciousness.

And I think that that's important.

It was important for me because I'm like,

You know,

I start getting into this program and people like talking about God and all this stuff.

And I'm like,

I,

I'm supposed to let go and let God,

I'm so like,

I'm supposed to,

Huh?

You know,

I don't know.

It's hard.

And it's like,

I don't know.

All I knew is I said,

I don't know for sure,

Even if there is a God,

I have no idea.

But one thing I'm about 99% sure of,

If there is one,

He hates me.

That was my,

That was my,

That was my perspective.

You know,

That was,

That was my,

To me,

It started in my Catholic upbringing.

I mean,

I kind of decided down when I was young,

I was like,

The way it was fire and brimstone and you're bad if you do this stuff and all that.

So to me,

By the time I was 12,

I was like,

Well,

I'm screwed.

Like,

I mean,

There's no hope for this guy,

You know?

So I can't even make it to 12.

Like,

You know,

So,

So I figured,

And then it got way worse,

You know,

When I started drinking.

It just amplifies it.

Oh,

Immensely.

You know,

Like if,

If,

You know,

Because it's when you drink,

You know,

It's to,

To squash all the negative feelings about yourself.

You know,

It's to anesthetize yourself with how horrible you feel about yourself.

And then,

So then you go drinking and then,

You know,

I mean,

If you drink enough and you're in public,

You're going to do stupid things.

You have no inhibitions.

You're,

You know,

And you're not in control of your functions if you drink enough.

So you're going to do stupid stuff.

So then you feel bad about what you did,

And then you fit,

You know,

Then you feel worse,

And then you go drink,

So you don't feel bad,

Then you do more stupid stuff,

And then you feel worse,

And then you drink.

And it's just a cycle that goes on for years,

You know,

And you're gradually feeling worse and worse and worse about yourself as you go.

It's a dark place to be.

Yeah,

And it's usually,

You know,

Possibly always includes depression because it's,

You know,

Like I heard somebody say many years ago,

They're like,

Alcohol is a depressant.

What do you think is going to happen to you if you drink a gallon of depressants every day?

You're going to be depressed.

Probably.

Yeah.

It could take a toll.

It is.

It's a downer.

Yeah,

It's also poison,

But you know.

Right,

And it's so that's,

You know,

This is something that I learned years ago.

And,

You know,

I suppose like anything,

It's possible that somebody is going to say this isn't true.

I don't know.

It's how I understand it.

So like when I,

When I,

You know,

I,

Like I said,

I was,

I was all in man.

AA saved my life.

Not an exaggeration.

And,

And it opened me up and changed the direction of the rest of my life.

So so I mean,

I,

You know,

I can't say enough about it.

But like when when I first started,

It was it was to save my life because I wanted to die,

You know,

And I mean,

I was I was literally when I got sober,

I was I was staying at a friend's house.

I had tried getting sober one other time.

I couldn't understand my brain was so fraught.

I couldn't understand what they were saying in the meetings.

Like none of it made sense.

It was like they were talking Greek.

And I was trying to understand it.

I was just so jumbled,

Messed up.

I was like,

I'm not sure.

Yeah.

And I mean,

I could talk a good game.

Yeah,

Right.

You know,

I can say some of the right things are paying attention.

But once you know,

You press a little bit.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then and then all of a sudden life,

You know,

Got difficult.

I grabbed a job working like 14 hour days.

And you know,

Within a couple months,

I was a lunatic.

It was like,

Because I wasn't taking care of myself,

You know.

So so it's so I ended up that was up in Rhode Island.

And I went back to Florida where I had been,

I didn't I didn't last in Rhode Island too long.

But I ended up back in Florida at my friend's place.

And he was like,

Dude,

You know,

After a few months,

He's like,

I'm trying to help you here giving you a place to stay.

And like,

You're just sitting around drinking,

Like,

You know,

So you know,

You either got to get your stuff together,

Or you got to get out.

And I was like,

I get it,

Man.

And you know,

I was always pretty independent,

Even for an alcoholic.

So I didn't make excuses for my behavior.

I was like,

Yeah,

Man,

You know,

I get it.

Yeah.

So he left right after we had that talk.

And I knew where his gun was.

And I had the combination.

So I sat down on the bed.

I was like,

Okay,

It's go time,

Dude.

Like,

You know,

Are you going to die?

Like just go go get the gun and just do it?

Or not?

And I'm like,

Okay,

Well,

So basically,

I decided I was going to kill myself.

So I was like,

Wait a minute,

Wait a minute,

Like,

I tried to kill myself before years before.

So I was like,

I had a and I was pretty good at being honest with myself.

So well,

In some ways.

So I was like,

Wait a minute,

Glenn,

Before you go get that gun,

This is a big deal.

Think it through.

Like,

Are you gonna really have the balls to pull that trigger when the time comes?

And I and I envisioned myself doing it.

And I was like,

No,

Man,

I don't think I am.

I don't think I'm gonna be able to do it.

It's like,

Okay,

Well,

Why?

See,

What's ironic is I used to have these conversations with myself even back then.

Yeah,

You know,

So I was like,

Okay,

Why?

And I'm like,

I think because I don't know,

I think what really boils down to is,

I don't know if there's a God or if there's not.

But if there is,

And the whole hell thing is true,

Then as much as I'm suffering now,

I'm thinking there's about a 5050 shot that that's worse.

And it's eternal.

Right.

So before I really go down that road,

I got to be sure that there's no other possibilities.

And I had tried getting sober in Rhode Island for a couple months.

And I had heard enough,

Where it was like,

I have no idea,

But maybe this might.

So I was like,

Okay,

Then why don't you give it?

You're gonna have to give it another shot,

Because you're not going to be able to pull the trigger.

So why don't you just go find out if this works or not?

And then if it doesn't,

Then you'll have a clean conscience,

You'll know there's no other way,

Then you can kill yourself.

So I was like,

Okay,

You know,

That made sense to me.

I was like,

Okay,

I all all AA was was a stepping stone,

So I can end it.

Yeah,

That's what gave gave me the momentum.

And you know,

People hear that story.

And they're like,

Oh,

My God.

It's like,

Yes,

But what it did is,

It gave me what I needed to do what I to do what I needed.

So in the way it did was because like,

I heard something in AA,

It said half measures avail us nothing.

And that jumped out at me.

So I was like,

So half measures avail us nothing,

Nada,

You get nothing.

Like so if you do this half ass,

You don't get half the results,

You get none of the results.

Yeah.

And so the point was,

You know,

And to the way I understood it,

It was like,

Okay,

Well,

That obviously,

If you get nothing at 50%,

You get nothing at 90%.

Yeah.

You know,

So you got to give it 100% or you get nothing.

And that's,

That's the first place my mind went,

You know,

But I'm trying to work and I skirt out where can I do a little less?

And I couldn't I couldn't find a way logically where I could score it out.

So I was like,

Okay,

I have to give this 100%.

And you know,

I guess maybe playing sports helped because like,

I,

I wasn't the best athlete,

But I gave it all.

I left it all on the field,

Man,

Every time.

So I giving everything I had,

I was familiar with what that felt like.

So that's what I did.

I just went in there and I didn't do it perfectly.

Like I messed up a couple times and relapse twice.

But then as I relapse twice,

And I was like,

I got like 60 days once and like 90 days once,

And I relapse and I noticed the second relapse was easier than the first.

Once you give yourself permission to drink when things get tough.

Oh,

Yeah.

Well,

Then,

When things get tough,

You drink,

You know.

So you get it the first time and you get rid of that guilt a little bit and then it gets a little bit easier each time.

It's an option.

It's like anything else,

Really,

Right.

So I looked at I looked at like the chronic relapses.

And I was like,

Oh,

This is what they're doing.

And I was like,

Oh,

Hell no,

I'm not.

Like,

I don't like getting sober once.

I'm not gonna do it like eight times a year.

Yeah,

No,

No,

No.

And my whole point here is to die.

So like,

Let's just get this over with once.

And then I can go die.

But I'm not suffering and bouncing in and out of the rooms for another 5-10 years.

Yeah,

Suffering the whole time.

If I want to suffer,

I just stay drinking.

So that's so I went and I started asking people what steps steps and a lot of people like don't drink and go to meetings.

I'm like,

I can't not drink and go to meetings.

Like,

Isn't this a 12 step program?

Right.

You know,

I hear people like you're too screwed up to do the 12 steps.

This is the type of stuff that I heard.

So finally,

Somebody introduced me to somebody.

And it was and I could feel the truth coming off of just if we went to a Sunday morning beach meeting in Florida on Siesta Key Beach.

And after the meeting,

Somebody is like,

Hey,

A friend of mine is like,

Hey,

I want to introduce you to this guy.

You've been wanting to do the steps,

Right?

Well,

This guy takes people through the steps.

Like,

Oh,

Okay.

So I go meet him.

And he's like,

First thing he says is,

You know,

What are you willing to do to stay sober?

Like anything?

Because that's the right answer,

Right?

He's like,

Okay,

Okay.

So we walked down the beach and back a little bit.

And he's like,

He's like,

Okay,

He's like,

If you if you want me to take you through,

I'll take you through.

Show up an hour before the men's group meeting tomorrow night with a blue pen,

A yellow highlighter and a big book.

And if you're five minutes late,

Or I think he said one minute late,

It's like,

Don't show up again,

Because I won't be there.

If you're not going to take it seriously.

There's other people that I can be helping.

And I was like,

And right,

That was the the most scared I had ever been in my life.

When he said that to me,

I,

I panicked because I,

I could feel the truth.

I could feel that this is what I needed.

I could feel that there was no wiggle room.

And I started panicking.

And I'm going like,

Whoa,

Can I?

Can I get back to you?

Can I let you know?

He's like,

What?

What do you have to think about?

You got something better to do?

And I'm like,

I don't know.

I I'm freaking out.

I don't know.

I don't like,

Can I just can I can I let you know?

And finally goes,

All right,

He goes,

Here's my card,

My cell phone numbers on there.

Let me know by six o'clock tonight,

Whether you're going to be there or not.

And that's it.

That's all you get.

And I was like,

Okay,

I went home,

I sat on the edge of my bed,

And all this fear just started rushing through me.

Oh,

My God.

Oh,

My God.

I was petrified,

Because I'm telling you,

I could feel that this was truth.

And I couldn't wiggle my way around it.

I couldn't manipulate it.

I couldn't control it.

And it was freaking me out.

So I just panicked for a few minutes.

And then I went,

Okay,

Glenn,

This is what you've been asking for.

You said that this was what you were going to do.

Now it's here.

Are you going to do it?

Or are you not?

And I was like,

Okay,

Well,

I really want to die.

So yes,

I'll do it.

I still didn't think it was going to work.

But I was like,

Okay,

Here's the beginning of my death march.

I'll go through,

It won't work.

And then I'll go kill myself.

So I went in and every time I didn't want to do something,

I was just like,

Half measures of Alice nothing.

I know what it feels like to give 100% I have to give 110%.

Because if I don't,

Every time I wanted to,

Every time I started talking myself out of doing something or doing it half ass,

That voice would come up and go,

Glenn,

You know what's gonna happen?

You're gonna do it 98%.

And you're gonna freaking know you did it 98%.

And you're gonna go sit on the bed and get ready to blow your head off and you're not gonna have the balls to do it.

And then you're gonna have to start all over again.

And I don't have the energy to do that.

Yeah,

I just want this.

I want to find out if this is going to die.

Period.

No middle ground,

You know,

So that would give me the the fortitude to push through and give it 110%.

And then another thing it says you will be amazed before you are halfway through.

After I did my fifth step,

Man,

My feet didn't hit the ground for two years.

It was right before I was halfway done before you are halfway done after my fifth right before my sixth,

I started blowing open.

And I mean,

It was insane.

Yeah,

It was insane that people were like,

Seeing me from across the room going like,

You're like leading the march.

I'm like,

What?

What?

They'd walk over,

They'd be like,

What happened to you?

Like you lit up this room when you walked in,

I could see it from from way the hell over there.

What what's up with you?

And I'm like,

I don't know.

Just love man.

Everything's just love.

Yeah,

Like,

Okay.

It really is that spiritual awakening that just lights you up and gives you that energy and you want to help people and share it.

And it's such a cool thing.

I love that about the 12 steps.

I've been like super close with the program.

Like I it wasn't,

You know,

I was in communities with people that would go to meetings and I would attend sometimes and you know,

Do that kind of thing in that just to understand it and,

You know,

Make it relatable and help me deal with what I needed to deal with in order to understand it and move through my emotions and process.

And I love that like,

I would see,

You know,

You would see guys that just went through their 12 steps and they're sponsoring people and they're just lit up and they're like,

Literally,

It was the coolest thing.

Like you just see them like dragging people off the street,

Just like trying to save lives,

Like just why it's a such a cool energy.

Like when you can tap into that,

It does it ignite something really cool.

And not everyone gets to experience it.

But um,

Sounds like you know,

Yeah,

And some do and that's still you know,

I just,

I just posted something the other day last week,

I think about about this.

I saw you see the light come on in people's eyes.

Like I didn't walk around going,

Oh,

Their,

Their eyes look dead,

Their eyes look dead.

But when they when they turn back on,

When the light the light,

It's like light start shining through their eyes,

Like you can see it,

You know,

And it's like,

Oh my god,

Like they were they were dead yesterday.

And I didn't know because they just look like them.

But now they're alive,

Like something internal shifted.

Right?

You know,

And all of a sudden that and that's what it is.

It's alignment.

You know,

That's what it that's what the steps do is it aligns us this is this is why like I was I was saying,

With with the ninth step,

It's very misunderstood because when when people start feeling the change come,

They want to run out and make amends to everybody.

When I used to take people through I half my job was to pull back on the reins and go Whoa,

Whoa,

Whoa,

Slow down.

It's the ninth step for a reason.

Yeah,

If it was supposed to be the sixth,

It'd be the sixth if it's supposed to be the second it would have been the second it's a ninth for a reason.

Because it's like you have to clear out some of that energy from your fourth and fifth and your sixth and seventh,

And even your eighth.

Again that takes a little bit of time,

Even if it's just a couple 234 weeks,

That time matters.

It helps you resonate and set things in and then when you get there,

You know,

My experience was like,

And I mean,

I had blown open so I was comprehending spirituality on a pretty good level by the time I was getting there.

But like,

So the right things were jumping out at me,

I was recognizing the right things because I had awoken.

So one of the things that I noticed was in the ninth step,

We crawl before no man,

And that jumped out at me because I was like,

Oh,

That changes the energy.

So I'm not tucking my tail between the legs and kissing somebody's ass because I wrong them.

That is not the energy.

The energy is I crawl before no man,

I am proud.

And I have my chin held up high.

And yes,

I go own my shit.

And I will look him dead in the eye when I do it.

That's a completely different energy.

You know,

So empowering to the empowerment and standing in your own.

There's a lot of power in that.

It is and it's it's a completely different because most most apologies.

I mean,

How many times has an addict apologized?

Yeah,

I mean,

It's just it's Hi,

My name is Glenn.

I'm sorry,

Ambrose.

I mean,

And I probably apologize less than most because I like I for as a general rule,

Most times in my life,

I did not make excuses for my drinking.

I like to drink.

I own that I drank.

So I mean,

Nonetheless,

I mean,

You're going I did plenty of stupid things that required an apology.

So I did make my share,

You know,

And it's there's a certain energy.

There's a weakness coming from that.

Oh,

I'm sorry,

I'm bad.

You know that energy.

And it's like the people that you're talking to,

They know it.

It's just another I'm sorry.

But when you come in and you apologize in a different energy,

And you own it,

You say I did this to you,

And it was wrong.

And you're looking them dead in the eye and actually meaning it.

It's powerful,

Man.

Yeah,

Powerful for them.

And for you.

You know,

It's a whole different dynamic.

It's a whole different energy to it.

What can I Is there anything that I can do to like,

I literally made index cards with what I had what I needed to apologize specifics with.

And then I wrote,

You know,

The questions after like,

One of them is,

Is there anything I can do to make amends for this?

And then right after that,

I wrote shut up.

So I was like,

And I had my cards,

I'm like,

Is there anything I can do to make amends for this?

Shut up.

And I would give them space to think,

To speak,

To do what they needed to do.

You know,

It was just we I'm telling you,

You do it in that way.

It's amazing.

I think I had one person that had a negative response to me.

Everybody else was blown away.

People were like,

I have never experienced something like this in my life.

Or like you just,

You just blew my mind,

Man.

I don't like I've never seen anybody own their stuff.

And just like,

You're good,

Man.

You're good.

Whatever the heck you're doing,

Just keep doing it.

Because I don't even know what to say.

It's funny,

You know,

We're so afraid to make those connections and own our stuff.

But when you do that,

You're right.

Like it really people don't expect it because not everyone does that.

Most people don't.

So when you come to them,

And you're like,

Hey,

You know what,

I f'd up big time,

You know,

And I and I know that and I impacted you in this way.

And it meant this and you know,

You go through it.

And then it's how do I make it right?

And people really don't know how to react to it.

Because it's so you just the connection,

It's a genuine connection.

You can feel the difference and the emotion behind it.

And that you're truly apologetic for what you did and not just saying it so you can get to the next,

You know,

Whatever.

Right?

Yeah.

And it's and asking them,

You know,

The I think the other question,

I think there's two or three.

But the other question is,

Do you need to?

Do you want to?

Or do you need to tell me how this affected you?

You know,

Like,

It's just like,

And really doing it so specifically,

The exactly the way it's laid out.

It's just it was so powerful.

You know,

So everybody,

Everybody wants to do those steps,

Because you get that.

Well,

Not everybody,

A lot of people don't want to do the ninth,

My sponsor thought I was crazy,

Because I'm like,

When do I get to do my ninth?

I was on my sixth.

And he's like,

Nobody wants to do a ninth.

What's wrong with you?

Yeah,

It's like,

I'm jacked up,

Man.

I'm jacked up for my fifth.

Right?

If the,

You know,

So if the ninth gives me even a quarter of the freedom that I experienced from doing the fifth,

I want to do it yesterday.

He's like,

Slow down.

Whoa,

Nelly.

So yeah,

It's it,

But it's,

It's a beautiful thing.

You know,

It's,

It's a beautiful thing,

Recovery.

And,

You know,

I think one of the things I had no idea what we're going to talk about,

And we're gonna have to do a part two,

I think,

I think we're definitely gonna have to do a part two,

Because we're just starting to dive into it.

There's just so much on the topic.

And it's such a sensitive thing.

But there's so much to it.

So much so much to it.

And I want to one of my big things is,

Is understanding what recovery actually is and recovery and I take this not only you know,

Recovery,

Of course,

But it's it's also what I believe and have experienced in my spiritual life in all areas,

And it's transcendence.

We are supposed to be transcending our issues.

We are not supposed to be struggling with them for the rest of our lives.

And that's such a common misconception with spirituality and generally in general,

Especially the New Age movement,

And with recovery.

People like you know,

It's I'm an alcoholic and that's the most important thing I know.

Like really,

That's the most important thing you know,

Like that,

You know,

You're a spiritual being having a human experience,

You're a gift of God,

You're more powerful than you even know you can do anything in this world.

If you just don't pick up a drink,

Like that none of that really matters that much.

Just this little thing that you can't drink alcohol is more important than everything,

You know,

And I get the meaning behind it.

They're trying to keep it in the forefront of their mind.

And some people need to do that.

You know,

So you know,

I've had this discussion many times.

So like,

Hey,

If you feel that you need to keep this in the forefront of your mind,

So you don't slip,

I know I needed to for years.

But then after a while,

I felt this pull away.

And it's like,

Glenn,

Why don't you get on with your life?

Like what,

You know,

Did you did you get sober so you can sit in a church basement seven nights a week for the rest of your life?

And I'm like,

No,

Man.

Yeah.

And that's okay for the people who want to do that.

And I mean,

You know,

Like,

I made tons of really good friends and wonderful times going to those meetings all the time.

But it wasn't my journey wasn't to stay in there all the time.

So some people will.

But even and even if you do,

Even if you want to go to meetings seven days a week for the rest of your life,

Of course,

That's extreme,

You know,

I think I don't think most people go seven days a week for the rest of their life.

But,

You know,

Multiple times a week,

Even if that's what you want to do,

If,

If you get up in the morning,

And you have to talk yourself down from going and getting a drink,

You are not recovered.

Right.

You know,

And it and it states this stuff in the in the big book,

When you go through it,

Like it literally says that,

Like,

If,

If you need to shield yourself from alcohol,

Then there's something wrong with your sobriety.

Yeah.

You know,

That's not the answer.

Because you could,

It says you,

You know,

You could,

You could go up in in Alaska,

And,

You know,

Sit in an igloo,

And an Eskimo is going to come up with a ball of whiskey.

Like,

It will find you if it's an option for you.

You know,

So for me,

My recovery is full transcendence,

Full transcendence.

And it always has been since those since that first,

Now I had to get used to living differently and stuff.

And that took a while,

You know,

Maybe,

Maybe probably like six months,

And I started going to bars with friends.

But there were other sober friends for a specific reason.

I didn't just,

And it was every once in a while,

And we're all together,

And it was taken very seriously.

But I was able to do that probably like six months sober.

I didn't really enjoy it.

So I stopped doing it.

But like,

I didn't,

I wasn't scared that I was going to pick up a drink because it was a non issue.

You know,

And that's one of my favorite words,

And it stemmed from my alcoholism and went into my spiritual life.

I'm always looking to transcend an issue,

Not to fight with it for the next 40 years.

You know,

I want things to be a non issue.

If I have a childhood trigger,

I want to transcend it and I want it to be a non issue.

I don't want to sit there two years later and go,

Well,

There's still you know,

I'm I'm,

I'm trying,

I'm working on it.

You know,

I'm a work in progress.

Right?

Like,

As if it's not able to be resolved.

It's like,

It's just,

It's how I'll always be,

You know,

That's a mentality.

Yeah,

We have to and I believe this is picking up now with the spiritual shift and it's becoming more well known.

And it's becoming more important,

Quite frankly,

Because like,

The spiritual shift is happening,

We are creating a new paradigm.

Now,

We don't have time for you to play around with a childhood trauma issue for 10 years.

Right?

I mean,

You need to go start like building a new life.

Like you,

You know,

You need to just transcend this stuff and move on.

You know,

So do whatever it takes to transcend it and move on.

Yeah,

You know,

But so it's that.

Yeah,

I think I think we'll wrap up with this.

It's just recovery,

You should not have to struggle with drugs and alcohol.

And I think not only is that important to know,

Because the people who are doing it,

You know,

They go to meetings for literally,

I know people that have been going to meetings for 2030 years,

Literally.

And they're like,

Yeah,

It's a daily struggle.

And I'm like,

Oh,

My God.

Yeah,

I can't be you.

I could never be you.

You know,

So like,

I think it's important for people to know that if you're struggling with an addiction,

It's because you haven't transcended it yet.

And you can.

And I think that's important for people to know that are struggling in the program.

And I think it's important for people to know that are addicts that haven't really tried this yet.

Because it's like,

You know,

These these things one day at a time,

And it's a daily struggle.

And,

You know,

I'll be an alcoholic for the rest of my life,

This type of mentality is just widespread.

People say all the time.

And to me,

It's detrimental.

It's like,

Because like,

If I was an alcoholic,

You know,

Thinking back to how I was back then,

If I thought that I if I listened to those people,

That the the general consensus of what people are saying about addiction,

If I actually listened to them,

I'd be dead right now.

Because there's no way I'm I was interested in living another 510 1520 years struggling.

I wasn't going to do it.

And if I thought that that's what I was going to get by going through this program,

I would have asked myself,

Yeah,

You know,

So it's important to know that no,

Recovery is transcendence.

Recovery is complete.

I can't stress it enough.

Complete freedom.

I don't like tomatoes because they're all larvaly inside.

And grosses me out texture.

I just don't like tomatoes.

Never have probably never will.

Sorry,

Not the inside.

Yes,

It's the same.

I have no fear of tomatoes.

I don't struggle to not eat a tomato.

It doesn't impact my life negatively in any way,

Shape or form.

Same with alcohol.

Exact same.

Zero fear.

You know,

Zero uncomfortability.

I can have 14 bottles of my favorite liquors all around me all alone in a room.

And I would not think twice about picking something up.

I wouldn't,

It holds no intrigue to me.

So so there,

So we'll wrap up.

So I know,

I started talking about the the,

The disease of alcoholism.

And then I went off on whatever we just went off on.

So so when we come back,

We'll start with that.

And then we'll see where it goes.

All right.

All right.

I'm telling you so you can hold me accountable.

Got it.

All right.

All right.

Well,

That's part one,

Everybody.

We're going to cut this into two parts.

So we will,

You're gonna have to wait for the other part.

Yeah,

My God.

There's a carrot.

Oh,

All right,

Cool.

Well,

I think that's it.

So yeah,

There I am.

That's my ending.

Okay,

Cool,

Everybody.

We will wait with bated breath,

And you'll hear part two next week.

Coming at you.

Coming at you live Monday,

Monday,

Monday on YouTube,

YouTube,

YouTube.

Love it.

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