Lonely Vs Alone - L,L,&L W/ Glenn Ambrose

Welcome to Life,

Lessons & Laughter with your host,

Glenn Ambrose.

Hey everybody,

Welcome to the podcast.

So I will address the obvious first.

I'm trying out these new virtual backgrounds,

Well I guess they're not that new.

So I don't know,

We'll see how it goes.

Let me know how you guys like it,

For those of you that are watching the video.

To me it's a little bit weird,

Wow it's really weird when I'm moving my hands like that,

Freaky.

So yeah,

It's a little distracting I think.

This is the picture of the view from my backyard,

Obviously it doesn't have the rainbow every day but it's beautiful,

Or the fog every day.

So yeah,

We'll just do this podcast like this and let me know what you guys think about the background.

Like I said,

I find it a little distracting because I move and it looks weird,

But whatever.

All right,

Let's get into the topic,

Lonely versus alone.

So this has been coming up a lot lately,

A lot,

And I think it's kind of two-part.

The aspect of feeling alone,

No I'm going to rephrase that,

The aspect of feeling lonely,

Not feeling alone,

Feeling lonely.

I think that that is one kind of separate aspect of this and then the other thing is the dynamic between feeling lonely or the capability of being alone without feeling lonely and your capability of being in a healthy relationship.

So I'm going to start off with the loneliness aspect.

I don't think this is addressed that often.

So you can be lonely in a room full of people and you can be alone and not feel lonely.

So one of the things that I've kind of come to the conclusion of over the years and through my own personal experiences is that loneliness is a longing for connection and or intimacy,

Which intimacy to me is a deep connection.

So it's kind of the same thing.

So yeah,

So I feel that's what loneliness is.

It's that longing for that connection.

So I really dove into this when a long-term relationship ended years ago.

What I considered long-term,

It was off and on for a while,

But there was this deep loneliness that I felt after having somebody around somewhat regularly that I really cared for over years.

It was now all of a sudden I don't have that person.

So I was feeling lonely and like I try to do is use these experiences as a learning opportunity.

So I dove into that and I was like,

What am I really craving?

What do I not have that I want that's causing this feeling?

And of course,

When you ask these deep questions,

You always start out at the surface on the intellectual level.

So my intellect is going,

You know,

Somebody to do things with,

Somebody to talk about my day with,

Somebody to,

You know,

The sexual aspect.

So you know,

All those surfacy type things and I'm like,

No,

You got to go deeper.

You got to go deeper than that.

What I came to was that what I was really missing was that deep connection,

That intimacy.

You know,

This is,

You can see it when people pass away a lot of times.

When a loved one passes away,

Usually people,

When they're talking about it,

Especially years later,

Once they've worked through some of the grief,

Like when they talk about it,

It's usually the little things,

Right?

Oh,

I miss hearing them brush their teeth in the morning while I'm still in bed or,

You know,

Something just unique that or just very,

It doesn't seem like that big of a deal in the moment.

But then when you don't have it,

It's like,

Oh,

I derived a sense of comfort from that.

And sometimes we don't,

We're not even aware.

Sometimes we're aware,

You know,

Sometimes we're not aware,

But it's the little things,

You know,

It's not the big things,

It's those little things.

So it's that feeling of connection,

That feeling of sharing your life with someone,

That feeling of safety,

You know,

That's what I think intimacy is.

It's the feeling of safety,

To be able to open up and feel like you're truly being yourself around somebody else.

You know,

That's intimacy,

To be able to feel that safety,

To be able to do that,

And just be at peace being yourself with another person.

That's intimacy.

So,

You know,

I believe we have a longing for that.

And what,

So I dove into it further,

And I'm like,

Okay,

Well,

Is that,

Is that how I want to be?

Do I want to have or not have but do I want to require somebody else to be in my life?

So I don't feel incomplete.

So I don't feel lonely.

Dude,

You know,

Is that is that the dynamic?

Is that the energy?

Is that the the way I want to live my life,

Needing somebody else to fulfill a need for me or else I'm not happy.

I'm not at peace.

I'm not okay.

And I was like,

No,

I don't want that.

I don't want to need somebody else to do something for me.

Otherwise,

I'm not okay.

I don't I'm not okay with that.

You know,

I mean,

That was why I got sober.

I mean,

I needed alcohol to make myself feel okay,

Because I wasn't okay by myself.

So the dynamic of needing something outside of myself to feel okay.

Just it rubs me the wrong way.

I'm just like,

No,

I don't I don't want to hand my power away.

I don't.

And to me,

You know,

I always look for trigger words.

So,

You know,

The trigger word was needy in this situation.

Well,

If you need somebody else to fulfill something for you,

Otherwise,

You're not okay.

Then that means you're needy.

That's literally the definition of needy.

You need something from somebody else.

That means you're needy.

So I was like,

Well,

I don't think that's a good energy,

An energy of neediness to base a healthy relationship off of.

If I need somebody else outside of me to be okay,

Then I'm going to put up with crap that they do just so I don't lose them because I need them or else I don't feel okay by myself.

I didn't like that dynamic.

So I was like,

Okay.

And plus,

I don't think that somebody else can fulfill all my needs.

I'm like,

I'm kind of setting my relationships up for failure because I need them to be a certain way and to give me a certain feeling whenever I need it.

Who can live up to that?

Who's going to be able to live up to that?

There's nobody that can climb inside of me and know what I need all the time.

There's nobody that can be there for me all the time and in the exact way I need it.

So I'm like,

I don't think that this is good.

So I said,

Okay,

So if I don't want that,

What do I do with this lonely feeling?

I want to feel connection.

I want to feel intimacy.

And when I don't,

Then I feel lonely and I don't feel good.

And I was like,

Okay,

Well,

Is there something that is always there?

Well,

Me,

I'm always there.

Yes.

Is there something else that's always there?

Like,

Well,

My higher power,

My source,

My creator is always there.

It's eternal.

It's like,

Okay,

So those are the two places I can put my trust.

And that's a general statement.

In any scenario,

The only two things you can fully trust is yourself and your higher power because you are with yourself all the time and you have dominion and domain over your energy field,

How you live your life,

Your thinking processes,

How you feel,

Your emotional processes.

If you take control over those,

You have control over those.

So that's one aspect.

And then what else is always there and never changing?

Well,

The eternal isn't always there and never changing.

Nothing on this planet is always there and never changing.

It's actually the opposite.

It's always changing and we never know how long it's going to be here or not.

Everything changes,

Everything dies,

Everything diminishes,

And we don't know when or how.

So to put our faith into something else,

And again,

The ego is going to try to take this too far and be like,

Oh,

Okay,

So just getting a partner that is trustworthy and that you trust is not going to leave you is useless.

No,

That's not what I'm saying.

Of course,

You still want to get into a relationship with somebody trustworthy.

Of course,

You do.

And of course,

You can even make long-term plans.

You don't know for sure if they're going to work out because nobody knows.

So if your sense of safety is saying,

I'm going to be with this person for the next 60 years and nothing's ever going to come between us,

You're going to suffer,

One,

You're going to suffer some major setbacks because it's going to at least look like it's ending,

Even if it doesn't,

And it's going to scare the crap out of you,

And you'll probably handle it poorly because it's scaring the crap out of you.

Or something might happen to that person.

You never know.

So it's a balance between the two.

Of course,

We can have wonderful relationships,

And I'm not trying to teach people how to be alone.

It's actually the opposite.

I think most people should be in relationships.

I think that there are some people that are extremely happy all by themselves,

And they should be by themselves.

I am single at this moment,

But I love being in relationships.

Love it.

Love it.

Want nothing more than a long-term relationship for the rest of my life,

But I'm not going to settle who I am to achieve it.

I can't.

I've been living this way for too long.

I can't sacrifice who I am for something else.

So until I find the right one,

And it works out beautifully,

Then so be it.

I'm okay being alone.

So yeah,

I believe this is a pathway to healthy relationships.

I'm not explaining this so you can live by yourself alone for the rest of your life,

Unless that's what makes you happy.

If that's what makes you happy,

Great.

So once I understood,

I believed I understood what I was craving and where I could get it.

I was like,

Okay,

So I can't depend on myself to not feel lonely,

To feel intimacy.

I can't really be intimate with myself.

Intimacy is a connection with another,

So I can't really get that from myself.

The only other thing I can trust is my source.

So I opened up to my source,

And I was like,

Okay,

What I'm going to do,

And this is another thing I do,

A little technique that I do often,

Is I use whatever's bothering me as a red flag to do my work.

It's a reminder to do my work.

Instead of hating the way that I feel,

I use it as a reminder to do my work.

So what I did in this case,

I said,

Well,

My experiment here is that if I get a sense of connection and intimacy from my higher power,

That feeling of deep connection,

Access it whenever I want,

And let's see how this goes.

Let me try to access it whenever I want.

So that's what I did.

So I would just connect with my source and feel this sense of peace and connection and love in my heart,

Just for a moment,

A few seconds.

And then when I felt that,

I couldn't feel love and connection with my source and loneliness at the same time.

So the loneliness would go away,

And instead,

I would feel a love and connection,

Like,

Ooh,

That feels good.

So whenever I thought about my girlfriend,

Which was constantly at that time because we had just broken up,

So it was like,

I don't even know,

Maybe 100 times a day,

Maybe more.

I don't know.

So whenever I felt that,

I would just stop,

And I didn't do it perfectly,

But as many times as I could,

I would stop and just connect to my source just for a moment and just feel that love.

And after a week,

I started noticing a difference,

And I was like,

Wow,

This is,

Not only do I feel closer to my source because I'm constantly connecting,

Maybe 100 times a day,

Maybe 50 times a day,

Whatever,

It only takes a few seconds.

So I was like,

I'm definitely feeling closer to my source because I keep connecting to my source.

So that's nice.

It just feels good.

You just walk around feeling more love and gratitude when you're consistently connecting with your source throughout the day,

To feel that love.

And then what I noticed is,

Maybe after two weeks,

I was like,

I don't think I'm really getting lonely anymore.

I mean,

Do I miss my girlfriend?

Yeah.

I mean,

I still miss my girlfriend.

I still have those feelings of missing her a little bit,

But I don't feel the loneliness that I used to feel.

And so I kind of dove into that,

And I'm like,

Okay,

Well,

Why?

And I realized,

Because unconsciously,

I got used to having that intimate connection with something,

With my source,

In this case.

Just like I got used to it when I was in a relationship,

Having that intimate connection with her.

Instead,

I get used to having that intimate connection with my source.

And that's always there.

I don't need somebody else to give me that.

I can still experience it with other people.

It doesn't mean that.

.

.

It's like having two kids or something.

It's not like you love one,

Then you can't love the other,

Right?

So just because I feel an intimate connection with my source doesn't mean I can't feel an intimate connection with a human being.

It's not one or the other.

There's plenty of love to go around.

But I wasn't experiencing that loneliness anymore.

And what was cool is,

Because I didn't have that yearning or longing for something that I didn't have,

Then when I thought about her,

It was kind of a little bit more of a nostalgic thing.

It was kind of like,

Oh,

That's nice.

And it might even have been like,

Oh,

I wish I could have that again.

But it wasn't followed up by this emotional pain that is usually accompanied with loneliness.

So I kept doing that.

And that's how I worked through it.

And like I said,

It's not that I didn't have any moments of feeling any heartache.

I still had a few moments,

But they were few and far between.

And that loneliness feeling was gone.

So that's one aspect I want to explain about being lonely and how you can work through it or how I work through it.

And hopefully it'll work for you as well.

Now I'll dive in the second part,

The topic of,

Well,

I kind of already leaned into this,

But the topic of being in a relationship.

I think that because of what I explained earlier,

If you deal with the aspect of not being lonely,

It's like when you're in a relationship,

You're not usually lonely,

Right?

When you're in a relationship,

Even and I'm talking about even when the people aren't with you,

Right?

Like if you're at work and it's eight o'clock in the morning and you're not even going to see that person that night,

Like all day,

You might see him that night.

Or maybe you won't even see him that night.

You might see him the next day or the day after that or something.

When you're in a relationship,

Just kind of the knowledge that you're in a relationship can push away that loneliness feeling if you start feeling it.

Why?

Because your brain knows that you have access to it.

Like there is somebody there.

So it's,

You know,

You just,

You,

I mean,

Don't get me wrong.

Some people,

You know,

There have been times in my life where I was so dependent on somebody else.

Like I was almost addicted or attached where the only way I could get rid of that feeling kind of was to be with them.

And that's when,

You know,

You really have to do some work.

Like if you,

If you can,

If you're feeling lonely when you're in a loving relationship,

Like while you're apart for a day or two and you can't even handle that,

That's an addiction quality.

That's not good.

You might want to work through that,

You know?

Yeah,

That's,

That's,

That's,

That's not good.

And you know,

People,

Some people be like,

Oh no,

It means I love them.

I love them.

And I just want to be with them all the time because that's how much I love.

No,

That's not love.

That is dependency.

That's what that is.

And that there's a good chance that that relationship isn't going to end well or it's not going to last.

That's,

You know,

That that's dependency.

You can love somebody completely.

I mean,

You know,

Like I liken it with my,

With,

With my child,

You know,

Like,

I mean,

I didn't need to have him with me all the time to prove that I loved him or to prove to my unconscious that I loved him.

Like of course I wanted to be with him,

But I was okay if I wasn't.

It's you know,

Which for many years there wasn't much time that we're apart,

But when he was young,

There was.

So,

So anyway,

Back to the relationship stuff.

So if we get rid of that neediness for somebody else to fulfill a need of ours,

Then,

And we can be alone by ourselves and we can be okay by ourselves.

Then we have the foundation,

The capacity to actually be in a healthy relationship because then the relationship is not built on neediness.

It's not built on getting something from somebody.

It's not built on taking,

I know it doesn't feel that way,

You know,

When you're all in love and you just want to be with that person all the time.

And like wanting to be with somebody,

That's not bad.

That's not bad.

Again,

Watch out for the ego because the ego will take the things that I say and blow them out of proportion,

Twist them to make them sound like I mean something else to defend itself.

So I'm always talking about the middle ground.

If I say you shouldn't have to need somebody,

That doesn't mean that I don't think you should want to have somebody in your life.

That's not what that means.

Like I said,

I love being in a relationship.

There's nothing I,

I,

I don't know if there's much more in my life that I would,

That could really take me to a whole nother level than being in a happy,

Healthy,

Committed relationship at this stage in my life.

I mean,

I've done a lot of stuff,

You know,

I've,

I've started my business.

I raised my son,

I moved to the DR,

I've written a book,

I've,

You know,

I,

I've done a lot of,

I,

I've worked on myself a ton.

So like I've,

I've fulfilled a lot of the,

The stuff that I wanted to fulfill and having somebody to share that with would just be that much better.

But I don't need it.

I'm happy as I am,

You know,

And that is,

So then when I,

When I get into a relationship with somebody,

I don't need something from them.

I don't need them to do anything for me.

I don't,

You know,

I live alone now,

I cook,

I can clean,

I can,

I've been doing it most of my life,

Taking care of myself.

I don't need anybody else,

Right?

So there's no neediness there.

Would I like to have somebody to share things with?

Yeah.

Even household duties.

I would love to not be the one that does everything,

You know,

So,

But,

Um,

But I don't need it.

And that's the energy dynamic.

See,

It's,

It's all about the energy.

If you need something from somebody,

Then that's a neediness energy.

If you just would enjoy sharing something,

Well,

Then that's a healthy sharing energy.

Right.

And that's the foundational energy of what we're building off of.

Trying to think if I should give another example of the energy,

Like the one energy I use often is frustration or self-love.

You know,

A lot of times when we set boundaries,

It's out of frustration.

You stop doing that.

Don't treat me like that.

And it's about the other person doing something wrong.

And it's about them and you're the victim and they're doing something to you.

And that causes frustration,

Right?

And boundaries is such a big thing right now.

It's like everybody figured out that,

Like,

We can teach people how to treat us.

And I teach that.

I teach that and boundaries.

And I think it's some of the most important things we needed to teach.

But you know,

I was teaching that 15 years ago,

10 years ago.

Now a lot of people and not just me,

Lots of people were teaching it.

Now it's caught on and we're going like this happens with a lot of things we overcorrect.

So people are,

People found out that teaching people how to treat you,

Setting boundaries was a healthy way to live.

So now they've taken it too far.

And they're setting boundaries with everything and cutting everybody out of their lives.

It's about a balance between two things.

So instead of this,

And it's the energy in which we do it,

That actually the energy in which we do things actually helps us keep the balance.

So setting boundaries out of frustration is negative energy,

Putting out negative energy as a general rule,

It's,

You're not going to get something good back,

Right?

You can't always draw a line from,

From cause to effect.

So sometimes you might set a boundary out of frustration and it gets you out of a situation and you're like,

See,

It worked.

It's like,

Yeah,

It got you out of that situation.

But the problem is since you set a boundary out of frustration,

You're going to repeat that situation in the future.

You're going to see it again in the future because you didn't learn how to handle it out of love.

You learn how to handle it out of frustration and anger.

That's not what we're trying to be taught.

Like that's,

That's not what the universe wants us to learn.

The universe isn't trying to get everybody to function out of anger and frustration,

That it's actually trying to get us to stop functioning from anger and frustration.

So just because you cut somebody out of your life,

Out of anger and frustration,

And they're no longer in your life,

So you're no longer exposed to that type of behavior from that particular person,

You're going to experience it again until you learn how to set boundaries out of self-love.

Either that,

Or you're going to be alone because eventually somebody,

Eventually everybody's going to treat you in a way that isn't perfect and you're just going to keep cutting them out of your life and cutting them out of your life and you're going to either have nobody in your life or you can learn to set boundaries out of self-love.

Self-love is about me.

It's not about them.

They can do whatever they want.

You can yell at people,

You can throw a fit,

You can do whatever you want.

You just can't do it with me.

Like because I don't respond well to that.

I don't like the feeling of it and I don't respond well,

So it's not going to happen with me.

That's all.

So it's about me.

And I don't care if they agree or if they disagree or they try to defend themselves.

It's actually much harder for them to defend themselves when it's phrased like that.

Because if you say,

You shouldn't yell at me,

They're going to just going to defend and they're going to say,

Yes,

I should,

Because you're wrong and blah,

Blah,

Blah.

But if you say like,

I just don't like somebody yelling at me,

What are they going to say?

Well,

You,

You,

You have to like somebody yelling at you,

Like that doesn't make sense.

Right.

So it's harder for them.

And energetically,

It's backed by a different energy.

So it's even harder.

So I'm not saying nobody will ever do it.

I'm just saying.

But if they try,

They're not going to get anywhere because you're not looking for them to agree.

Whereas if it's out of frustration,

You are.

So this is the difference between the energy,

Setting boundaries out of self-love energy,

Setting boundaries out of frustration energy.

It's night and day.

Okay.

I've done a podcast on that before.

So you can go check that out if you're interested.

But what I'm saying is the energy that you get into a relationship with,

If it's needy and you you're trying to get people to fulfill things that you need fulfilled.

It's an unhealthy foundational energy,

But if you're okay by yourself and you don't need somebody to fulfill these things for you.

Now all of a sudden you're building a foundation off a healthy,

Healthy energy.

Okay.

So the other thing I'm going to touch on is that you don't necessarily need to be alone to learn this.

Now this is tricky.

This is when it really gets tricky.

And the reason is,

Is because we love to rationalize our own behavior.

We love it.

So I mean,

If you want to work on one thing,

Work on not rationalizing your behavior.

I mean,

Seriously,

It'll change your life.

We rationalize our behavior,

Why it's okay,

Just so we can get what we want.

And it's hard to navigate that,

Especially in the beginning and especially with something as emotional as relationships.

So when you're in a relationship and you're like,

No,

I don't,

You know,

I'm going to work on not needing somebody,

Just enjoying my relationship.

And now let's say that this relationship is kind of rocky.

It might not be the relationship you want to be in,

Which maybe sparked you to do this work.

So you're sitting there and you're like,

Oh,

But you know,

And that's the part of you that really does not want to be alone.

And you don't want to face that.

That's going to drive your behavior.

From an unconscious level,

Whether you're aware of it or whether you're not aware of it.

But so that's the tricky part.

It's very tricky to override your unconscious belief systems that you're not even aware of them by,

You know,

By allowing yourself to stay in something that you want to stay in,

Even though it's not healthy.

It's hard.

But what I've learned over the last 20 years of living like this is there isn't one way that works for other people.

So if you are in a healthy relationship or a seemingly healthy relationship,

But you do have this neediness attachment,

You know,

You it is possible to work through that even staying in the relationship.

So it's,

You know,

So of course you can do your work if it's really healthy and you can talk to the other person about it.

That's even better,

You know,

Because they probably have an aspect of that themselves.

Maybe not,

But probably do.

So you guys can both work on it and just work on deriving that sense of safety and intimacy from connecting to your source instead of that person.

So we can grow relationship wise while in a relationship.

I say relationship wise,

I don't I mean,

Yeah,

This is hard to find words to I mean,

We can grow individually in a relationship aspect,

Like making ourselves more capable of being in a healthy relationship individually.

We can do that while we're in a relationship with somebody else.

It's just,

It's tricky.

Like I said,

You might not know for sure if you've actually succeeded until you get out of a relationship,

Right?

You might think you succeeded,

But you still have that person there,

Right?

So how are you going to know for sure how you would feel without that person there if that person's always there?

Eh,

Whatever.

I think it's,

You know,

I think that if you're in a relationship that you're enjoying and it's healthy and whatever,

Just,

You know,

My recommendation,

Do as much of this work as you can on your own.

So if there is a neediness attachment,

It can disintegrate within that relationship.

You know,

But to add,

I wouldn't,

I sure as hell wouldn't end a healthy relationship just to see if I did my work properly.

I think that that's foolishness,

You know,

I'm a spiritual realist.

It's like,

Of course I want to do my work,

But I'm not going to flush something wonderful down the toilet just to see if I did my work.

I mean,

To me,

That's ridiculous.

So you know,

You can attempt to do that work while you're with somebody else.

Now,

If you're in an unhealthy relationship and it's not time to end it,

Like just because you're in an unhealthy relationship,

It doesn't always mean that you're supposed to end it right then,

Especially when you're working on yourself.

Sometimes you know,

There's a lot of our earthly structures are stabilized right when we're ready to do our work,

Like to really do our work.

So I'm,

You know,

Sometimes our,

Our job seems monotonous and boring.

Sometimes that's a sign that you're ready to do your work.

Why?

Because it doesn't take a lot of energy to do your job.

You know how to do it.

It's you know,

You can kind of do it with your eyes closed.

It doesn't take a lot of energy and it takes a lot of energy to do this self work.

So like a lot of times I see that dynamic people first reach out and they're like,

I want to leave my job.

And then we talk about it and it's like,

Well,

You know,

Why do you want to leave your job?

What's the problem with your job?

What let's go deeper.

It's a real source of your unhappiness.

And then all of a sudden they start identifying work that they need to do on themselves.

And it's like,

Oh,

Okay,

Well then don't leave your job right now.

The big thing is to do the work on yourself.

Your job is actually doesn't require a lot of energy.

It gives you enough money to pay your bills.

It stabilizes your earthly structures with very little energy.

So you can actually put energy doing yourself work.

Right?

So sometimes relationships are like that.

It's like you're,

You know,

It's not really dysfunctional.

You're questioning it.

You're like,

Geez,

I,

You know,

I think that this might not be what I want to be in for the rest of my life,

But the other person is kind.

You have a,

There's a stability level,

You know,

Everything's okay.

It's not abusive or anything is nothing seriously wrong.

So it's like sometimes that it's a good scenario.

And then you,

You,

You can like implement this work while you're in the relationship and that can be helpful in certain dynamics too.

You know,

Actually because like learning to stay anchored within yourself while you're in a relationship is helpful,

You know?

So you,

You know,

You can do that.

Like if you're in a healthy relationship or if you're in a so-so relationship,

If you're in a really dysfunctional one and you really need to get out,

Well then of course,

By all means,

You know,

Go ahead.

Uh,

But,

But sometimes,

You know,

You can use that dynamic to,

To,

To help this aspect.

So you know how I just said,

Like when you're in a relationship,

How are you going to know for sure that you've done the work and it's kind of hard.

You probably won't,

There's,

There's some truth to that,

But again,

It's the middle ground.

It's not a hundred percent true.

It's not the only truth.

Some there's aspects of being in a relationship that can help you because you know,

You,

You have to stay grounded instead of being pulled by the other person.

And if you have good self-awareness,

You can tell the difference,

Right?

So here's the other side to that.

Like when you're alone and doing the work,

Which I think is usually easier,

Um,

Because it's clearer,

You know,

Like if you're not okay,

If you're not okay,

When you're alone,

You know,

You're not okay.

So there's obviously more work to do.

So then once you get to a space where you're okay,

When you're alone,

Well,

You know,

You're okay alone,

Right?

So that's like probably 90% of the work.

Now there is another 10% of the work that you're not going to know for sure until you get into a relationship.

And that is,

Can I maintain it in the presence of a relationship?

See,

Like when I got into that relationship that I spoke about earlier,

This,

That was,

You know,

Like 15 years ago or something like right before that,

I was good.

Like I wasn't necessarily looking for somebody to be in a relationship with,

Did I still want one?

Well,

Sure.

Because I like being in relationships,

But I didn't need one.

I remember actually within,

I think it was within a week to two weeks before I met my girlfriend.

I was,

I remember I was sitting in the car,

I think I just got in the car and sat down and I had this feeling like,

Wow,

You know what?

I'm good.

I'm good.

Cause I was,

I had dated somebody a little bit before.

And then,

And I had been alone for a while.

And the first few months are a little bit difficult,

Right?

Especially if you're not doing this work that I just explained,

Which back then I wasn't,

But I got into a place where I was good.

And I remember thinking like,

You know what?

I could be alone for a while.

I could be alone for a while.

Like I'm good.

I don't need somebody.

Right.

And then I,

And then within a week or two,

I met this girl and we start dating and you know,

It was this deep connection.

It was really wonderful.

And what I wasn't able to maintain that though,

I didn't have enough self-awareness.

So I got sucked into that relationship and I,

I didn't know how to keep myself grounded in me and my safety.

I got pulled right into the relationship and became needy for her.

Hence why I had to do the work after the relationship.

So that's the other piece,

Right?

Even if I think it is easier to do this work when you're alone for the most part.

And you know,

Because,

Because it is in my opinion,

And then,

But there is that other piece you need to go stand in it.

You need to get into a relationship.

So since then I did get into a relationship and I,

I could stand in it.

I was like,

Wow,

This is cool.

Like I'm not losing myself.

I mean,

I had dated a few girls since then and I,

And I was pretty sure that I wouldn't lose myself.

I wasn't losing myself with them,

But it never really got too deep where that feeling of love was really starting to come up.

And then once I did experience that feeling of love and I would look at myself and I'm like,

No man,

You're still grounded.

Like you,

You know,

You do have feelings of love for this woman,

But like,

You're still grounded in your set self.

Like you're not going to sacrifice yourself for the relationship.

Like you would have in the past.

So that was when I was like,

Oh,

That was the only time I really knew for sure that I had done my work to the level that I needed to do my work.

Now who knows,

You know,

That,

That,

That relationship,

It was never going to last.

So,

You know,

There was only knowing that it was going to end,

There was only so much I would open my heart to it because I knew circumstantially it had to end.

It just wasn't,

We weren't trying to build a life together.

We're enjoying the time we had together,

Even though we knew it was going to end in the future.

So I could open up my heart to some degree,

But I wasn't,

You know,

To me,

For me personally,

There's that building a future together aspect of a relationship,

Envisioning a life together.

Like I said,

Not attaching to it,

Not attaching to a life together where,

Where,

Um,

I'm like,

Oh,

This is going to definitely be what's happening.

It's the willingness to build a life together,

The willingness to see the possibility of a life together that I need to be able to open up my heart fully,

Um,

Just the possibility of it.

And we didn't have the possibility of it.

We knew that because of the circumstances,

We were never going to be together forever.

We weren't going to build a life together one way,

Shape,

Or form.

It was going to end.

So because of those circumstances,

There was only so much.

So up until up,

Up until that,

But I did have the love feelings.

So up until that,

Like,

I'm like,

Oh,

I can definitely stay in myself without losing myself in the relationship and becoming needy.

So,

You know,

I mean,

I guess I'll,

I can take it to the next love level when I meet that long-term partner and I'll have to bring some consciousness into that.

I think I,

I don't know if I would classify that as work or not,

You know,

Because I think we all,

We're always doing that.

Like you,

You could have basically completed this work and then all of a sudden say like,

Oh,

I'm done.

I don't have to be aware of anything.

That's not how it is.

You still have to live in awareness,

Right?

Because I mean,

As soon as you drop into unconsciousness and think that you don't have to think about something anymore,

Then all of a sudden you,

You probably would lose yourself in it.

Well,

So,

So,

So the,

The,

I think that learning to be alone and be okay is a symptom of being capable of being in a healthy relationship in the future.

Why?

Because you're not going into it with a needy foundation.

You're going,

You know,

I just want to,

I want to share my life with somebody else.

I want to share my experiences.

I want to,

I don't need to.

It's enjoyable when I,

You know,

There's a big difference.

That's the,

That's the middle ground.

I would enjoy sharing my life with somebody that's healthy.

I need to have somebody to share my life.

That's not healthy.

And a lot of times I don't ever need anybody.

I don't even want anybody in my life that that's probably too far in the other direction.

I mean,

You can feel the energy of it,

Right?

Well,

At least I can,

Like if,

If I,

If I say,

I don't even,

I don't want to share anything with anybody.

You don't,

You don't want to share anything with that.

That sounds defensive.

That sounds like you're trying to protect yourself from being hurt.

That doesn't sound natural.

That doesn't sound healthy to me.

Maybe it's just me.

I mean,

I guess that might be some people,

But we need connection.

You know,

I guess I'll probably wrap up with this.

It's important for us to have connection with other people to prevent us from going crazy to some degree.

You know,

You,

You,

You put this,

This is different from intimacy.

Okay.

This is just more surfacey connection.

It can be a deep connection to at the same time,

But I'm just,

This is more surfacey connection,

Believe it or not.

We like,

It's just about talking to other people.

See this,

You can get from just about anybody.

You can get this type of connection from a friend and a phone call.

You,

You can get this connection from parents,

Coworkers,

Social aspects like that type of stuff you can get from most,

You can get it from strangers,

You know,

Having a conversation with a stranger,

You can get it.

So that,

What I'm talking about now is just that interaction between human beings.

That prevents us from going crazy and getting too lost in our mind.

You know,

I have to be careful without living alone up in the mountains is I can go long periods of time without connecting to anybody.

Plus I'm a teacher.

So I'm usually teaching,

You know,

I'm,

I'm giving my perspectives to try to shift people's other perspectives.

So I need to make sure sometimes that I get outside perspectives and keep my mind open.

Because otherwise I'll start getting locked into my,

My own head.

And that's not a healthy place.

It's like putting somebody on a deserted Island for a few years.

And then,

You know,

All of a sudden seeing where they,

You know,

Go pick them up and they're crazy.

Right.

So you gotta be careful about that stuff.

So yeah,

It's the,

You know,

There's different aspects of being,

Of having connection.

So that one is just that surfacey connection that I was just talking about.

That's just to keep yourself from going crazy.

And it's actually very good for problem solving too,

Because you know,

Einstein said you can't fix a problem with the consciousness that created it.

Right.

That means we need other people's input.

It's helpful.

It's helpful to solve problems,

To see things from other perspectives,

You know?

So,

So that,

You know,

That's one aspect that's helpful,

But yeah,

I,

You know,

Being able to be okay by yourself is important.

It's a symptom of being capable of being in a healthy relationship because it's not based on neediness.

I think that's it.

Yeah.

I think that'll do it.

All right.

Any questions?

Let me know.

Thanks for listening,

Everybody.

Let me know what you think about the background.

And that'll do.

All right.

Peace.