Character Development: Fairness And Affirmations

In a world that often focuses so much on what we lack,

It's easy to overlook the incredible internal strengths that each of us possess.

Grounded in ancient philosophy and modern science,

This series invites you to reconnect with the innate strengths that make you who you are,

Promoting balance and harmony in everyday life.

Whether you're looking to boost your confidence,

Overcome negative self-talk,

Deepen your relationships,

Or simply invite a greater sense of well-being,

My hope is that this series offers a practical and uplifting path to personal growth.

Hello everyone,

Welcome back to our Character Strengths Affirmation Series.

In each session,

We explore one of the 24 character strengths identified by positive psychology,

All of which fall under the virtues of courage,

Humanity,

Wisdom,

Justice,

Temperance,

Or transcendence.

These are the strengths that help us show up as our best,

Most authentic selves.

Okay,

So today we are stepping into the virtue of justice,

Which the Values in Action Institute defines as the strengths that help us build healthy communities and contribute to the common good.

The virtue of justice includes three character strengths,

Fairness,

Leadership,

And teamwork.

At our first stop on this journey of justice,

We are visiting the strength of fairness.

Oftentimes with these strengths,

I like to point out some of the assumptions or stereotypes that we have around what it means to be fair or what it means to be humble or creative,

Etc.

And with fairness,

I think that what a lot of us think of are like playground arguments and courtroom dramas and dividing up slices of cake so that everyone gets an equal piece.

And those are very important things.

It is very important.

Listen,

In my house,

That mattered.

That slice of cake really,

That was personal.

You know what I'm saying?

However,

Fairness is a lot bigger than rules or just equality.

It's a way of being.

To be fair is to honor dignity,

Navigate differences,

And uphold integrity,

Even when it's hard.

Fairness,

As defined by the VIA Institute,

Means treating people justly and not letting personal feelings bias the decisions that we make.

It's the desire to give everyone an equal opportunity while also recognizing that sometimes what's right for one person might look different for someone else.

This is where empathy,

Perspective,

And compassion come in.

Understanding that each person's situation is unique and may require different approaches to ensure true justice.

In the literature,

Fairness has been broken down into two different types of reasoning.

So,

One type is justice reasoning,

Which emphasizes logic and weighing principles to determine moral rights and responsibilities.

This is the part of fairness that's about consistent rules and laws and ethical standards.

It asks,

What is the right thing to do according to the principles that we have established?

The second type of reasoning is care reasoning,

Which involves empathy and compassion,

The ability to put ourselves in someone else's shoes.

This dimension of fairness is about understanding people's unique circumstances,

Feelings,

And needs,

And adjusting how we respond so everyone gets what they truly need to thrive.

When we bring these two components of fairness together,

The justice reasoning and the care reasoning,

We're better able to navigate life's complex situations with both clarity and heart.

It's not just about equality,

It's about equity.

It's about discerning when the same approach fits everyone,

And when we need to adapt to honor someone's unique story.

Now,

If you've been with me for a while,

You know,

You already know where this is going.

I follow the same structure every episode.

Someone asked me once if this was a podcast,

And I was like,

Is this a podcast?

I think it's more of a curriculum.

Yeah,

I don't know what this is.

Leave a comment in the.

.

.

I like forget that people listen to this,

You know,

It's just.

.

.

I'm just doing my best out here.

Anyway,

So if you've been with me for a while,

Thank you.

I see you,

And I appreciate you,

And I love that we're doing this thing together.

I love that.

You know what's coming,

And it's that I'm going to talk about how all of these strengths operate in a balance.

You can have,

It turns out,

You can have too much of a good thing,

Or not enough.

So when fairness is underused,

We might become biased,

Playing favorites or making judgments based on stereotypes or personal feelings,

Or convenience.

At work,

We might give more opportunities to people we personally get along with,

Overlooking those who are quieter or different from us.

In family life,

We might side with one child simply because they remind us of ourselves.

I saw that a lot when I was doing family therapy.

Without considering other children's perspectives.

Or we might look the other way when someone's being treated poorly,

Because we just don't want to get involved.

Like seeing a friend get excluded from a group chat,

And deciding it's none of my business.

We might convince ourselves that certain rules don't apply to other people.

Like cutting in line because we're in a hurry,

Or bending rules for ourselves that we judge others for breaking.

You see this a lot.

Listen,

I live in Atlanta,

Georgia.

I will be in the car with someone who will just yell at someone for doing something in traffic.

And then 10 minutes later,

We are doing the same thing.

We are hypocrites.

I think that fairness is one of those things that is a really tricky one,

Y'all.

This one is really tricky when it comes to the underuse of it.

Because it's so often in our pursuit of advocating for a group,

Or advocating for ourselves,

Or pursuing justice and fairness and equality,

That out of anger and hurt that those things have been denied,

We forget to see the humanity in another person,

And we don't treat them fairly either.

So that's an area of overuse,

Underuse,

That I think it's really complex.

And I've had to explore deeply in myself.

And I'm curious to hear if people have thoughts on that.

And you also see,

Just in general,

People in mindfulness,

And spiritual communities,

And personal growth communities.

And with any of these strengths,

We're like,

Yeah,

We've got them.

And the truth is,

I might practice loving everybody in my free time.

That might be one of my hobbies.

But I'm not being truthful if I say that I just love everyone the same.

That's just not true.

That's not true.

That's not honest.

So when it comes to fairness,

It's really tricky,

Because it would be very easy for me to be like,

Yes,

Of course,

We're all human,

And we're all equal,

And we all have value.

But the truth of the matter is,

Is that I'm not enlightened.

And when I walk in my everyday life,

The people that I love I do happen to treat a little bit different than the people that I don't love.

And I have to be honest with myself about that.

Because there are implications for the decisions that I make,

Oftentimes without even realizing I'm making a decision.

How many choices are we making in our everyday life that we just take for granted because it's what we feel like?

So much of the underuse of fairness is just the underuse of good judgment.

Again,

All of these character strengths,

Interrelated.

Okay,

Let me get back to the other side of the balance.

Okay,

So on the flip side,

When fairness is overused and rigid,

It can turn into moral perfectionism.

We might become harsh,

Inflexible,

Or unable to tolerate any gray areas.

This could look like treating every situation as if it must follow the exact same rulebook,

Even when the context calls for nuance.

It might show up as feeling uneasy when someone receives special support or recognition,

Even if their circumstances genuinely warrant it.

Or it could mean holding ourselves or others to impossibly high standards of justice,

Where every small imbalance feels intolerable and unforgivable.

Sometimes it looks like insisting that every voice in a discussion be given identical time,

Even when some perspectives require more space or sensitivity to be truly heard.

It can also appear as getting lost in analysis paralysis,

Trying to weigh every detail perfectly before making a decision instead of trusting good enough judgment.

Or maybe it's just refusing to bend a rule compassionately,

Like denying a deadline extension,

A refund,

Or an exception in the name of fairness,

Even when empathy would better serve the spirit of justice.

So again,

It comes back to balance,

Bringing fairness into our decisions while staying human and humble and compassionate.

It's about holding principles and people in mind at the same time,

About knowing true fairness sometimes means adapting to unique circumstances,

Rather than applying one rigid rule to everyone.

I think one of the most important things to remember is that we don't have to go about making these decisions alone.

Part of humility is knowing when to seek out consultation with a mentor or bringing it to the group and asking,

What would be the most fair,

Considering everyone's perspective?

There's one more truth I want to talk about today.

Sometimes life isn't fair.

Bad things happen to good people.

People get overlooked,

Mistreated,

Or judged for things that are actually entirely beyond their control.

Opportunities aren't distributed equally.

Some people carry burdens that others will never see.

And this is true on the micro and it's true on the macro.

Recently,

I've been reading this book called The Smell of Dust on Rain by Martine Pritchell.

He writes about how revenge is often a deluded form of justice.

When life feels unfair and we're hurting,

It can be tempting to strike back and to try to even the score.

But so often what drives that urge for revenge isn't true fairness,

It's ungrieved grief.

When we haven't fully felt our sadness,

Anger,

Resentment,

Or the heartbreak of how unfair life can be,

That pain doesn't disappear.

It finds other ways to surface,

Sometimes as bitterness,

Harsh judgments,

Or the desire to make others hurt the way we hurt.

Instead of restoring balance,

Revenge keeps the cycle of harm spinning.

The path of true fairness asks us to grieve,

To feel what's real in our bodies and hearts without rushing past it,

To let ourselves mourn the ways life has been unjust,

To rage,

To cry,

To ache,

And then to integrate what we've learned into the way we move forward through the world.

On a personal note,

I found that it's only on the other side of grieving.

After fully experiencing my sadness and my anger and resentment,

Bargaining sometimes,

You know,

If that comes up,

All of it,

That I gain the clarity and motivation to pursue true fairness on a bigger scale.

It's from that place of integrated grief that I'm able to show up for justice on a macro level,

Not out of vengeance,

But out of an integrity that doesn't deny the humanity of either the perceived victims or those hurt enough to harm.

Evaluating a fairness is often what fuels our cultivation of bravery.

It's not just about rules.

It's about speaking up when you see something that you feel is just wrong.

It's about making unpopular decisions because it's the right thing to do.

And sometimes it's about admitting when you've been unfair to yourself.

I think of the times I've had to apologize for acting on assumptions or letting my emotions cloud my judgment.

And it's humbling.

That is,

That is a tough one.

But it's also incredibly freeing.

Every time we choose fairness,

We are strengthening not just our relationships,

But our own integrity and peace of mind.

Fairness doesn't mean being perfect.

It means striving to act from principle and heart despite the discomfort.

And this brings me to something that I think often gets overlooked,

And it's being fair with ourselves.

It is really easy to hold ourselves to impossible standards,

Especially when the world feels unjust.

We might blame ourselves for things that are not our fault,

Push ourselves to make it all right,

Or judge ourselves for not being able to fix every unfairness we see.

It's this sort of.

.

.

I was talking actually about this in a supervision group the other day,

But it's a structural,

Systemic,

Existential powerlessness when you realize the extent to which things are unfair in a system and are like,

I now have the burden of seeing it.

What am I going to do?

And that's a very challenging place to be.

But fairness applies inward also.

It's giving ourselves the same compassion and patience and understanding that we'd give a friend.

It's recognizing that we're human,

That we carry mistakes,

That we get tired,

And that we simply can't do all of it by ourselves.

In a world that often is not fair,

To be gentle and just and fair with yourself is pretty revolutionary.

Before we begin,

We will pause for a brief blessing.

May we be blessed with eyes that see beyond our biases and hearts that yearn for true justice.

May we have the courage to stand up for what's right,

Even when it costs us our comfort.

May we honor the humanity in each person and remember that fairness is not only a gift we give others,

But a gift we give ourselves.

May our actions ripple outward,

Creating communities rooted in respect,

Dignity,

And compassion.

And may we always remember to extend fairness inward,

Holding ourselves gently,

Even when life isn't fair.

I will read each statement twice,

Pausing in between to give you a chance to repeat them out loud to yourself,

And I do recommend saying them out loud.

The statements that are easy to embrace,

Savor them,

Appreciate them,

Stand like a mountain in their truth.

The statements that feel not so good,

That feel uncomfortable or foreign,

Or like straight-up lies,

Go ahead and say them anyway.

This is where we are doing the work,

Rewiring those neural networks.

This is also where we gain insight into unhealed wounds,

Limiting beliefs,

And ingrained biases or judgments toward ourselves or toward a particular way of being.

It's great material for journaling or discussing with a counselor or trusted friend,

Maybe even someone doing the series with you.

Whether you're just waking up,

Walking your dog,

On your commute,

Or getting ready for bed,

I hope these affirmations serve your deepest,

Greatest,

Highest self.

Let's begin.

I am fair and just.

I am fair and just.

I treat all people with dignity and respect.

I treat all people with dignity and respect.

I consider all sides before making decisions.

I consider all sides before making decisions.

I balance logic with compassion.

I balance logic with compassion.

My actions reflect my commitment to justice.

My actions reflect my commitment to justice.

I strive to see beyond my own personal perspective.

I strive to see beyond my own personal perspective.

I strive to see beyond my own personal perspective.

I seek solutions that honor everyone's needs.

I seek solutions that honor everyone's needs.

I value the unique experiences of others.

I value the unique experiences of others.

My fairness builds trust in my relationships.

My fairness builds trust in my relationships.

My fairness builds trust in my relationships.

I am committed to creating a just world.

I am committed to creating a just world.

I learn and grow from my mistakes.

I learn and grow from my mistakes.

I act with integrity even when it's hard.

I act with integrity even when it's hard.

I treat myself with fairness and compassion.

I treat myself with fairness and compassion.

I make space for both reason and heart in decision-making.

I make space for both reason and heart in decision-making.

I allow fairness to include flexibility,

Grace,

And understanding.

I allow fairness to include flexibility,

Grace,

And understanding.

I allow fairness to include flexibility,

Grace,

And understanding.

I allow fairness to include flexibility,

Grace,

And understanding.

I allow fairness to include flexibility,

Grace,

And understanding.

I allow fairness to include flexibility,

Grace,

And understanding.

I allow fairness to include flexibility,

Grace,

And understanding.

I allow fairness to include flexibility,

Grace,

And understanding.

I allow fairness to include flexibility,

Grace,

And understanding.

I allow fairness to include flexibility,

Grace,

And understanding.

I allow fairness to include flexibility,

Grace,

And understanding.

I allow fairness to include flexibility,

Grace,

And understanding.

I allow fairness to include flexibility,

Grace,

And understanding.

I allow fairness to include flexibility,

Grace,

And understanding.

Thank you.