Admitting The Exact Nature Of Our Wrongs

Step 5 of the 12 Steps pioneered by A.

A.

Says that we admit it to God,

To ourselves,

And to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Oh shit,

This is scary.

So yeah,

This can often be one of the steps,

This is one of the steps that back in the day they used to say,

This is the step that separates the men from the boys.

And although I don't personally think that saying is,

Is well,

I mean just,

I don't,

I don't even know what to say about that.

I mean,

Everyone knows,

Everyone knows that vaginas are tougher than ball sacks.

I mean like what else do you need to hear,

Like,

Anyways.

But it does serve us,

It does,

The sentiment is correct,

You know,

It is often the step that separates,

You know,

People from those who are like ready,

Like really committed to change rather,

And you know,

Likely desperate enough to do something that's really potentially very uncomfortable and scary,

And from those who fall back into what is often known as the 1-2-3 shuffle.

And a lot of people have been in recovery,

You know,

Like in early stage recovery for long periods of time doing the 1-2-3 shuffle,

Often because the further steps are scary and daunting and they find people can,

You know,

Our minds can make up any kinds of reasons why not to do this.

It's like,

Oh,

I don't need to do that,

Why,

And you know,

The common ones are like,

Oh,

Why would I bother digging up the past,

That's all gone now,

There's no reason in looking at my childhood or talking about that,

I just need to be present now,

I just need to work on what's going on now.

Very reasonable and rational,

But this work,

It illuminates a lot of things,

You know,

We all have blind spots,

And this,

This work shows them.

So you know,

Like in step four we made this,

You know,

We made our list,

And in step five we share it,

And you know,

The interesting part is,

Of course,

Like,

We admit it to ourselves,

To God and to another human being,

And you know,

Like,

Ideally in the fifth step that happens,

Well,

You know,

I shouldn't even say ideally,

But like,

How it's prescribed in the fifth step,

Because that all happens all at once,

You know,

Like kind of like in a sitting,

Right,

Like,

You plan a fifth step while you're writing your fourth step,

Often,

Like,

If you're working with a mentor,

They'll say,

Like,

Hey,

Like,

Have your fourth step written in two weeks,

And then we'll do your fifth step on July 24th,

1946,

Whatever,

And we're time traveling,

So just roll with it.

And so you make the appointment,

You do the step,

Whatever,

And then you,

You know,

Like,

You prepare yourself,

And obviously,

Like,

That's part of it,

Right,

Is like inviting your higher power into the process,

So it is,

You know,

Like,

Part of that admitting,

You know,

Like,

You're saying it before God,

Whatever that means to you,

And to another person,

And you know,

Like,

And to yourself,

You know,

Like,

Truly admitting to yourself,

Like,

All at once,

This is the whole story of what I've been,

What I've done,

Who I've tried to be,

Who I've failed at,

Who I have been,

Where I've succeeded,

You know,

All of it,

And so,

Like,

To put it all in front of you at once,

There's no kind of,

There's no hiding,

There's no,

Like,

You know,

It really limits the ability to,

Like,

Say yes,

But,

You know,

It's like,

Oh,

I did this,

But,

You know,

It's just,

Like,

All of it laid bare,

And having to sit with all the feelings that come up with this,

Right,

Like,

All the fear,

Like,

What is this person going to think of me,

You know,

Like,

What is,

Like,

Just dealing with the potential shame that comes up,

The fear,

The sadness,

The grief,

The anger,

The resentment,

Like,

All the things that potentially come up going through this,

Because lots of the things will come up,

You know,

Like,

Defense mechanisms will be on display very commonly,

You know,

Like,

Very commonly,

And not always,

Some people breathe through this,

It's happened,

I mean,

I think that people that often do breathe through it probably previously made the commitment to not be fully honest,

That's my opinion,

I have no proof of that,

But I suspect there's something to it,

Because,

Like,

If this is done with a real seeking and fearless lens,

And then disclosed,

Like,

There's going to be some stuff that is,

I mean,

We're all human,

We've all done some stuff that we're embarrassed about,

Or ashamed about,

Or just downright never want to talk about,

So it's going to be uncomfortable if you're doing it really real,

So,

You know,

To see that all for yourself,

And then to share it with another person,

And,

You know,

Like,

I,

Some of my experiences,

You know,

Like,

I've always done this with a person in recovery,

Another person in recovery that has been,

You know,

Down this road,

Done it before,

Done these steps,

You know,

Know what it's about,

Has experience,

And other people do it with a therapist,

Or some kind of other professional,

Or maybe even,

Like,

A priest,

Or a monk,

A rabbi,

Whatever,

I don't know the rest of the titles,

But,

You know,

And often people feel more comfortable with this,

Because,

Like,

These people are kind of,

Like,

Sworn to these,

You know,

Like,

They've taken vows and such,

Or you're a therapist,

You're just paying them to keep their mouth shut,

So,

I mean,

There's that benefit,

Right?

You know,

With therapists,

There's,

There's the added caveat that if you have actually,

Like,

You know,

Like,

If there are actually hidden bodies,

You know,

If you've killed some people,

Or done some other serious stuff,

Then,

You know,

Your therapist might actually have to tell the authorities,

So that's one drawback to a therapist.

That might be true with priests and monks as well,

I'm not totally sure,

I've never went there,

But I do know there's limits of confidentiality with therapists,

Having worked in the field myself,

And,

Yeah,

So,

Food for thought.

But also,

I find,

Like,

There's also,

And this is just my belief,

Again,

This is opinion,

My understanding,

My thoughts,

That there's something more vulnerable about doing it with just another person,

Just,

Just a person that is also on recovery,

Because there is none of that,

There is not,

Like,

The element of,

Oh,

This person's being paid to accept,

Like,

I can say any shit to my therapist,

And they're paid to,

Like,

I'm paying them to,

Like,

Not abandon me,

You know,

Like,

I'm paying them to stay in this relationship and keep healing me,

Right,

Like,

And,

You know,

Like,

There's definitely times when,

Like,

If a therapist can end the relationship if they are super uncomfortable,

Whatever,

You know,

They don't have to work with you,

But I think that element,

Like,

And same with the priest,

Like,

They have to listen to whatever you say,

Right,

Like,

You can tell them anything,

And that's just,

Like,

Their,

That's their thing,

Right,

And with another human being,

It's,

It's more vulnerable,

It's scarier,

And I mean,

Maybe,

You know,

You could,

From the other side of it,

Say,

Like,

Yeah,

Well,

Maybe there's more risk,

Like,

Maybe,

Maybe you chose someone that wasn't a good choice,

And then you can get hurt,

And I'm sure that's happened to many people,

You know,

It's never happened to me,

But,

Like,

I,

I chose well,

I guess,

You know,

I chose people that I,

And I built trust with them,

I built trust over time,

You know,

I didn't leap into these things,

I got to know the people I worked with,

I built trust,

So I knew I could do this,

But there's something really,

You know,

Like,

Because the difference,

Yeah,

I'm not gonna go,

The difference being is that,

Like,

When I told this stuff to another human being,

Just another human being,

Not a professional,

And having them accept me,

And tell me,

Like,

Yeah,

No,

I've done some stuff like that,

Too,

Like,

On all my worst things,

You know,

Like,

The way I hurt people,

And mistreated people,

And just felt ashamed,

Like,

To hear back,

Like,

Like,

You know,

Like,

My guide,

You know,

He wasn't,

Like,

You know,

Like,

I said this,

I think,

In the previous stuff,

He wasn't,

Like,

Falling asleep,

But he was not,

Like,

Shocked by anything I said,

And I had thought I'd done some things that were,

Like,

Totally unforgivable,

You know,

Like,

I thought I was no longer allowed to be part of humanity,

Because of what I'd done,

You know,

I'd hurt all the people I cared about,

Like,

In various ways,

You know,

Like,

I was physically abusive to some people I loved,

I'd beat up,

You know,

Beat up my dad a couple times,

You know,

I put my hands on a woman,

You know,

Like,

Lots,

You know,

Lots of stuff that I just was ashamed of,

Really,

Really ashamed of,

But I had to shine a light on to be free of,

You know,

Or else it would've ate me up for the rest of my life,

You know,

Like,

It would've,

And,

You know,

It's not like it's just,

Like,

Nothing to me today,

But I'm not burdened by it,

And largely today,

Because,

You know,

I don't do that anymore,

I don't punch and kick people that aren't trying to punch and kick me back,

You know,

Like,

I,

Kickboxing is one of my hobbies,

So I'll just put that out there,

Just to make that clear,

But I don't,

You know,

I don't live that way today,

So,

Doing it with,

You know,

Doing it with either one has their benefits,

For sure,

Like I said,

This process gave me,

You know,

A bunch more freedom,

And freedom to come back to humanity,

And a skillful person,

And,

You know,

I think,

Like,

In a lot of ways,

Priests,

And,

And monks,

And such can,

Can be really great,

And same with therapists,

Can be really great in this way,

Because they can really tune into your,

You know,

Like,

What your patterns are,

Because that's that bit in the step that says,

We admitted the exact nature of our wrongs,

And,

You know,

So,

Of course,

There's,

Like,

You know,

As a person who's just going through this process for the first time,

Often,

There's blind spots,

And these patterns haven't emerged,

Or become crystal clear yet,

So,

You know,

You'll be,

Like,

Telling your story,

And you'll be,

Like,

And your,

You know,

Your guide,

A skillful guide will be,

Like,

Hey,

Look,

Like,

In,

You know,

Like,

When you were around,

You know,

Like,

When you're in the workplace,

You know,

Like,

And you're dealing with co-workers,

You really seem to put on this people-pleasing persona,

Or,

You know,

Like,

When you're around your kids,

You really become this kind of martyr,

Savior type of person,

You know,

Just,

Like,

These kinds of things,

Like,

Putting together these patterns that will emerge,

You know,

From a skillful,

Like,

A skillful listener will be able to identify,

And that's the exact nature bit,

Right,

Like,

The exact nature bit isn't,

You know,

Like,

I beat up my dad,

But,

Like,

Underneath that stuff is it,

Like,

I was really resentful,

You know,

I was full of,

You know,

I was full of fear,

You know,

I didn't know how to communicate,

You know,

I wasn't willing to listen to what other people had to say to me,

You know,

Like,

There's things underneath this,

You know,

And,

Like,

A big one for me was I wasn't willing or able to use my voice,

And often,

I guess not often,

But,

Like,

Sometimes as a result of that,

It exploded in violence,

I let myself build up and build up and build up,

And,

You know,

The vast majority of the violence I described was,

Like,

I would kick a hole in the wall,

You know,

There was only,

In truth,

A limited number of times where I was violent towards a person,

I mean,

It was enough to make me feel,

You know,

It was enough to be really painful to carry around,

But,

You know,

The most of it was I would destroy things or I'd punch things,

You know,

Like this,

But it's still violence,

Right,

Or I would,

You know,

Yell and scream at people,

That's the forms of violence,

Of course,

Right,

But that was a big pattern,

You know,

I just didn't,

I didn't speak up,

I didn't say how I felt to people,

And so a skillful guide will help you see these patterns and be able to identify them to move on to the further steps,

But,

You know,

I just really can't say enough about this,

How,

Like,

Having a person,

A trusted person,

Just,

Like,

And,

You know,

Like,

Often,

You know,

Like it's said that,

You know,

People with addictions will,

Like,

Try and skirt around this by,

Like,

You know,

Telling a little,

Showing little bits of themselves to,

You know,

Spreading,

Spreading the suffering around,

You know,

Like I had a friend tell me once,

Like,

Well,

I've told everything to,

Like,

Someone,

But just not one person,

You know,

Like,

Everyone knows a little bit of it,

And it's definitely not the same,

Because,

Like,

You don't have that effect of letting someone see all of you and then,

You know,

Like,

Face am I accepted or not,

You know,

Like,

Will this person reject me,

Because that's a huge ask,

Right,

Like,

To see if someone seeing you fully exposed and naked in front of them,

Will they accept you,

Will they love you still as you've grown to know that they do now,

If you've arrived at this point,

Hopefully,

You know,

And it's,

That's short-changing yourself,

You know,

Like,

If you go and tell everyone little bits of it,

It really short-changes you of the full potential for healing.

So,

Yeah,

When I did a full fifth step,

It really changed my life,

And I've heard that from other people,

And I've seen it in other people,

You know,

Like,

I've seen other people dramatically change after doing this step,

You know,

When their first step,

When their first,

When their foundation is in order,

You know,

Because lots of times people go through the steps,

And they're still struggling with relapsing and things,

And it's not,

It's not the worst thing to keep going,

Even though you're still acting in your addiction,

But,

Like,

I often see when there is a cessation of addictive activity,

And then,

Like,

Through this fifth step,

I see,

Like,

People,

Like,

Their,

Their eyes light up,

They become alive in a way that they probably haven't been in a while,

You know,

And,

Like,

It's just returning,

Returning to being part of humanity,

It's such a beautiful thing to see and to be part of,

And that's what makes this 12-step work such a profound gift,

To be able to,

You know,

To do,

Like,

What I'm doing right now,

And just offer,

Offer reflections on the steps,

You know,

This is an expression of my 12th step,

Of sharing what I've gleaned out of this process,

And sharing my experience,

Because seeing it happen in other people is,

It's,

It's real magic,

It's real magic,

And I wish that for anyone who's listening to this,

That you do take that,

Take that chance,

And give yourself a gift of going through this process.

You know,

I've touched on it,

But,

Like,

One of the,

One of the principles that's associated with this step is openness,

And a question that might be associated with it is,

How do I trust?

And it's a big question,

Isn't it?

How do I trust?

Can I trust fully?

Another principle that could be associated,

Associated with this step is integrity,

And I think that one pretty much speaks for itself.

Taking accountability for all one's past actions,

Deeds,

And misdeeds,

Is,

That's a bedrock of integrity,

Yes,

And I know mine has certainly grown after doing this process,

And,

You know,

It's so much of it because,

Because someone showed me that I was okay,

Even after all of it,

I was able to then start stepping into my integrity,

And owning things in the moment,

And,

And as a result of owning things in the moment,

Realizing,

Like,

Oh,

Like,

These old ways I've been living,

They actually just hurt me and everyone else,

And,

And I'm still okay,

Despite that,

I'm still good enough,

Even though I've made all these mistakes,

And it's allowed me to change,

It's allowed me to become the person that I am today,

And,

You know,

When I tell people things like,

Oh,

I used to have a violent history,

Or this and that,

People look at me like I've got two heads,

You know,

And I mean,

It might,

You know,

It might seem like that to you,

If you're listening,

That some dude that's sharing meditations on Insight Timer has that kind of past,

But there you have it.

So until next time,

Friends,

I hope you get what you need today.

I hope you feel full of life and joy,

And be well.