A Balanced Life

58:31

58:31

A Balanced Life

Rated

4.8

Type

talks

Activity

Meditation

Suitable for

Everyone

Plays

3.2k

Spiritual endeavor is essentially the psychology of ultimate concerns, the priorities of life, placed into focus through sustained practice. Having the right priorities allows us to find balance in life between work, nurturing relationships, and self-care, which in turn cultivates emotional, mental, and physical wellbeing, and allows us to be resilient in facing novel challenges and disappointments. This talk delves into finding balance amongst our core priorities.

Meet your Teacher

New York, NY, USA

Meet your Teacher

New York, NY, USA

Transcript

One of the concomitant tendencies I find when people have a lack of meaning or fulfillment or balance in life is that there's almost always a compulsive tendency involved, An endeavor. Almost all of our energies flow into at the expense of having a balanced life. So, We'll be addressing a balanced life in terms of also addressing the compulsive behaviors that preoccupy us and tend to distract so much of our attention. And it comes at the expense of a balanced life. Many of us will rely on abstinence or cutting out the addiction itself. So, For example, If people find that they're being overly consumed by attention to social media, Consumed by eating sugar or watching TV or smoking pot or whatever, They will then rely on cutting out or going kind of cold turkey. Unfortunately, Abstinence-based approaches, While sometimes can be effective, Very often they aren't, And they don't really address the underlying issue. So, We're going to be talking about, At first, What is the cause of these compulsions and addictions that come at the expense of having a well-rounded, Fulfilled life? So, The underlying roots of addiction, Of course, Stem from early relational events in life. If a child is scared of his or her caregiver, They freeze. Their sense of sadness, Anger, Are not integrated into their self-structure because they associate whatever emotion they're experienced when they are terrified. They essentially dissociate in the presence of the parent. And over time, These children will grow up to be adults who don't have faith that other people will help them process and regulate emotional experience. And so, They will rely on behaviors, Maybe shopping, Or food, Or drugs, Or alcohol as a way to regulate their nervous system. Over time, The more they rely on substances or behaviors, Rather than connecting with other people to process difficult life events, What will happen is they will suppress more and more emotional experiences rather than actually process, Metabolize, Integrate the emotional experiences into the rest of their life. If we completely abstain or cut out drinking or drugs or smoking or social media or TV or compulsive sex, If we don't address what lies beneath it, What lies underneath the compulsive behavior, All we'll do is we'll transfer the addiction to another behavior. So, For example, In, I've been sober for some 26 years, And I know countless people in recovery, One constant theme one sees over and over and over and over again, If they don't address the underlying emotions and painful emotional experiences that they've been using the drugs to press, Then all they'll do is transfer the addiction to something else. So, A classic example is the alcoholic who gives up drinking and then goes into a recovery program and then becomes compulsively looking for sex as much as possible. And then after sex, That runs out, They feel still unfulfilled, Because now they're not spending all their time at a bar, Now they're spending all their time on Tinder or dating or texting with people. Then the next thing they'll do is they'll transfer the addiction to work, And now they'll become workaholic. And eventually what happens is one or two outcomes, Either they will relapse back to the original addiction because they still have all this repressed emotional pain, Or B, They'll wind up in therapy, And they'll actually uncover and work on what lies beneath the compulsion and the imbalance. What underlies compulsions is very similar, If in childhood we experience unavailable or unreliable attention or difficult interpersonal experiences, The child will rely on strategies of avoidance, Will turn away from eye contact and rely on dopamine secreting activities. At first, These activities in childhood can be repetitive rituals such as reciting, Counting, Walking in patterns, And then by the time they become 10, 12, The patterns now become involved in gaming, Internet, TV. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family in terms of my dad was a violent alcoholic. My mom was quite secure with us, My dad was a very scary drunk, And there wasn't a lot of discussion about what was going on. To process my emotional pain, I would sit in my room and just play the bass or guitar for hours on end, Or listen to music records for hours on end, Or read comic books and stuff like that. I used these compulsive behaviors as a way to mask what is called shame-based identifications. Now, What is shame-based identifications? Well, Shame is any child that feels exposed to abandonment, Rejection, Unreliable attention, Or is shunned by peers will come away with the belief that something about me is unlovable. The compulsion then answers that emotional belief by saying, I might be unlovable, But so long as I do this activity, For me it was playing the bass, You know, And so long as I'm perfect at this, Then I'll be okay. Then people will actually like me, Then I'll be safe. So, The underlying belief remains that I'm something, I'm flawed, I'm unlovable, But the compulsion masks it or distracts from it for a while. So, This is one of the reasons why absence in and of itself is not necessarily the only, Or even at times the preferable solution to all compulsive behaviors. And of course, Many balk at abstinence, But are willing to try other ways to lessen the disruptions of pain and imbalance that is caused by their repetitive, Ritualistic behaviors. And this brings us to what's called harm reduction. Instead of giving up or stopping whatever it is that is bringing such upheaval into their life, They'll try to engage in the activities in a way that reduces the negative consequences and as such develop a greater sense of control, Agency, And self-esteem. Whereas 12-step programs have the benefits of socialization and opportunities to do service, Which are very useful in combating the underlying shame-based identifications, Harm reduction provides what's called evidence-based support without any judgment, Stigma. It doesn't require that people give up whatever the addiction is, As a precondition for getting support. So, For example, Unlike a 12-step program, NA, Say, For a heroin addict, Harm reduction would provide syringe programs, Employment support, Overdose prevention, And information on safe drug use. And so, In so doing, They would reduce the amount of harm associated with that activity and hopefully in the employment support and psychological support, They would point the addict in the direction of finding fulfillment elsewhere other than in opiates. Now, Whereas harm reduction simply aims to reduce the risks of a compulsive behavior, Moderation as a way to approach a balanced, Meaningful life expands the idea of essentially down-regulating the amount we engage in a compulsion, So that it no longer comes at the expense of our psychological well-being or our overall happiness. So, This makes us ask the question, What actually provides us with a sense of well-being and happiness? In order to know if we know that, Then we will know when some activity or action is coming at the expense of well-being and happiness and a balanced life. So, There's four factors. If you read the vast literature of positive psychology, Each psychologist has his own list, But we see common themes throughout all these lists. So, We see the reading of Seligman or Jonathan Haid or Sandra Leibomorski or Barbara Fredrickson, Etc. , Etc. , Etc. You'll see things like, One, A sense of belonging, Having friends that understand and appreciate us. This is the most vital because, As Maslow, Abraham, And others have said, This is the most vital because, As Maslow, Abraham Maslow, As well noted, That if we have a bunch of connections or friends that are available, Understand and appreciate us, It creates a sense of belonging and there's even regions and circuits in the brain associated with the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex that will reward us by raising serotonin levels and endorphins. So, It's very important for well-being and happiness to feel that we have positive connections with others. Another is a sense of purpose, Engaging in acts that serve greater good, Bettering other people's lives. So, Not just working to pay the rent, But doing some kind of job that actually benefits others. Three is a sense of growth, That we're mastering something, That we're developing new skills. And four is engaging in routine behaviors that enhance self-care, Which would be exercise, Eating mindfully and healthily, And engaging in all forms of self-soothing behaviors, Whether it's task positive behaviors like a hobby or sitting in the sun drinking a cup of tea or whatever, And so forth. So, To review, To have a balanced overall life of well-being and happiness, The basic themes would be belonging, Having a sense of connections with a group of people, Our species evolved in small clans that were nomadic, And so it's baked into our neural structure that we need to feel we are connected positively with others. A sense of purpose, Engaging in acts that serve a greater good, Better other people's lives. Three, Growth, That we're mastering new skills or developing our skill set. And four is self-care, That we're taking time away from the small mundane day-to-day life and we're stepping outside of it and we might even be having transcendent experiences in meditation or hiking or whatever that put us in contact with the greater good. So, If our work, Sex, Spending, Or fixation on something comes at the expense of these four keys of belonging, Purpose, Growth, And self-care, What we would do is refocus our attention towards whatever we've under-prioritized, Generally moderating an addictive or compulsive behavior so that we can work or fixation, Preoccupation with relationships or spending. If we're going to address these proclivities and balance our life, We need to have a sense of accountability, A partner, A therapist, A friend that we're sharing about whatever activities are coming at the expense of a balanced life so that we're not just trying to be accountable to ourselves but to others. One of the things about human beings is that we are desperate people pleasers, Generally, And so if we're accountable to others, It adds an impetus or motivation to make changes. Unfortunately, When we shift attention away from our compulsive behaviors to well-rounded balanced behaviors like developing friendships or developing a sense of purpose through volunteerism or growth, Learning new skills or self-cares, None of those other activities secrete as much dopamine. At first, We will feel the constant nagging pull of wanting to check our phones for messages or look at social media or turn on the television or go on Amazon or binge eat food or whatever. I've found that sometimes we can use our compulsive behaviors as a reward but only after we do the growth-oriented endeavor. So if, For example, Somebody is a compulsive gamer where they play hours and hours of video games and I think whatever entity is out there in the universe, If there is any entity to thank, That I have never enjoyed video games ever in my life. I'm too, I don't know, I'm too much a neurotic Jewish New Yorker Buddhist guy that I just, I go on them and I don't get the point of clicking and shooting or visiting these weird fantasy realms. I'm always, I never got it. I also liked really weird art, European art films when I was a kid, So I didn't have any of those tendencies. So what we would do would be to, Before we engage in gaming, If we are into that, We'd first use the gaming as a reward for doing something that rebalances our life towards an underexplored, Under-prioritized endeavor. Now in the Dharma, Sometimes there are calls for abstinence and or renunciation. The Buddha renounced causing harm through killing, Stealing, Sex, Intoxication, And speech. So in terms of, As a Buddhist, As a Buddhist pastor, We take the precepts of we will not, Under any conditions, Cause harm through killing, Stealing, Sexual misconduct, Intoxication, Or speech. And, You know, Obviously some of these are self-defined, But in general there is a renunciatory or abstinent quality to that. But the Buddha makes very clear that renunciation is not the path as much as a balanced life, Which he called the middle way. I'm going to read a little bit from the Buddha's first teaching. I call it the first teaching. It's not 100% accurate, Because after the Buddha became enlightened, He tried to talk about his enlightenment with one person he met, And the other person didn't get it, So it was a kind of a failed attempt at passing the message. But after that initial attempt, He gave the great Dhammachakra-pavatna teaching, Which is the teaching where he talks about the balanced life, Or the middle path, The middle way. So this is what he says, And this is my translation. So if you look it up, You'll find subtly different variations in whoever does the translation. The Buddha says something along the lines of, And this is from 2500 years ago, So it's pretty freaking old, This is the cause of stress in life. Birth, Aging, And death are stressful. Sorrow, Lamentation, Pain, Grief, Despair are stressful. Being stuck with people we don't like is stressful. Being separated from people we love is stressful. Not getting what we want is stressful. I guess all of us can acknowledge some of this. I mean, This is kind of no-brainer stuff, That not getting what we want, Being stuck with difficult people, And not being around people we love and care about, As well as emotional pain, And not being able to do what we want. These are all stressful. But then the Buddha goes on to say, This is what causes suffering. So suffering is worse than stress. Stress is unpleasant, But suffering is really like what causes misery. So what causes suffering? Craving to escape stress through ritual, Repetitive, Pleasurable activities, Fantasizing about our future, Or craving states of numbing and unconsciousness. So I think that's a pretty great list. The Buddha's saying that it's not the losses, The setbacks, The difficult interpersonal events, It's not the losses and relational breakups that are what makes life so, At times, So difficult and painful. What actually, He says, Causes all the great suffering is when we try to escape and not feel those pains, And not practice the pain, And not be able to do what we want. So emotional experiences aren't the problem. They're universal. We take them personally. We feel ashamed whenever we experience something that's difficult, That's difficult to deal with. So we try to get rid of those, And we try to get rid of them. So we're not afraid to feel the pain, But we're afraid to feel the pain. So we're not afraid to feel the pain. We're ashamed whenever we experience something that's difficult, And we distract ourselves through addictive tendencies. The Buddha goes on in the teaching to say, One can be addicted to all forms of pleasurable actions to the point they become unworthy and harmful. And one can also be addicted to self-deprivation, In other words, Abstaining, And just giving up things where there's any bit of trouble. One can be addicted to self-deprivation, But that's also unworthy and harmful. Avoiding these extremes, I follow a middle path, And this is what the Buddha is talking about, A balanced life. And a middle path is based on correct understanding of what causes suffering. In other words, Knowing that what causes suffering is not painful experiences, But actually trying to distract ourselves from our feelings. Once we understand that, A healthy, Balanced life, He says, Followed, One of healthy intentions, Harmless speech, Positive actions, Livelihood, And then the meditative faculties of mindfulness, Concentration, And effort in our practice. So rather than using any addiction to suppress emotional pain, The Buddha is saying instead what we do is we turn to face and explore and be with whatever has caused emotional difficulties. And we then, From having processed these underlying emotional, Painful experiences, We then turn our attention to living a life filled with positive interactions with others, Which are what he called right speech, Right action, Right livelihood. The right livelihood gives us a sense of purpose, And he also talks about meditation as part of that balanced life. So let's look at this in terms of one of the biggest compulsions that comes at the expense of well-being, Happiness, And a balanced life. And that's a skewed work-life ratio. Countless millions of Americans work excessively. Last I checked, We average sometimes 15 more hours a week of work than Europeans. And while many of us, Of course, Work 55, 60-plus hour weeks out of economic necessity because we don't have access to well-paying jobs or because of excessive debt, Or because of having a lot of people that we are taking fiscally responsible for. But many, Many, Many countless millions of people work excessively. People, Whether they're financial advisors or advertising market executives, Creative salespeople, Tech people, Blah, Blah, Blah, On and on and on, Work excessively, Not out of a necessity to survive. They've got what the Buddha called the requisites of food, Shelter, Clothing, Medication, And transportation. Well, The transportation is a new one, But the Buddha said food, Shelter, Clothing, And medicine. And I just added that in. So people will work or perhaps exercise excessively or do yoga excessively or do something excessively to prevent re-experiencing early emotional pains from reoccurring. In my work, In my Buddhist spiritual counseling work, I've worked with many workaholics, And what I've seen through the years is that the root of this imbalance very often stems from a sudden trauma or downturn in their original family system. Perhaps when they were a child, They were a sudden divorce or a caregiver died or there was a business failure of one of the caregivers or one of the caregivers suddenly became ill. And as a result, There was a sudden drastic downturn in the family's sense of security and the sense of everything was disrupted. And so these individuals, Like we saw earlier with compulsions, Turn to trying to be perfect in an endeavor as a way to maintain a sense of security. And over time, This, Trying to be perfect at homework or school or playing the piano or whatever, Eventually that transforms into an adult who thinks, If I do my job perfectly, If I don't make any mistakes, Or if I have a perfect body, I'll be safe. People won't abandon me. People won't appreciate me. Bad things won't happen in my life. And so the imbalance comes from this deep-seated, Unresolved fear that we're always subjected to sudden negative, Horrific, Traumatic events. And what's keeping us safe is working too much or exercising too much. And so, Keeping us safe is working too much or exercising as much as possible or whatever is coming at the expense of a balanced life. So the problem then becomes, Whether we quit our job or simply try to work less, Will simply not address the underlying issue unless we literally turn to face and process the early experience that lies dormant beneath these compulsive activities. They, Classically, The workaholic, If they do try to work less, Will first experience a lot of vulnerability, Because work was making them feel safe in the world, Making them feel protected. And so they'll have to turn their attention to something else that will become just as compulsive, I. E. What lies beneath the compulsion is a feeling of vulnerability. Whatever we resist, The compulsion will persist. That kind of runs. So anyway, If we want to have a balanced life, It means not only knowing those factors that are conducive to having a sense of fulfillment in life, Which are maintaining positive connections with others, Finding an endeavor that benefits others for a sense of purpose, Self-care, Eating healthily, Yoga, Spiritual practice, Transcendent practices, And growth, A sense that we're mastering something. But in order to do that, We have to address whatever compulsive behaviors have come at the expense of these endeavors. And eventually that will require looking at what is the compulsive behavior that is keeping what lies beneath them, Whether through therapy or healing the underlying shame through really positive pro-tribal actions or positive interpersonal connections. So I'm going to now spare my voice because now it's our time to meditate. So we're going to be doing a meditation on this theme. And so while you find yourself a comfortable seated position, I'll put out my weekly plea. So I'm going to start with a little bit of meditation. So I'm going to start with a little bit of meditation. So I'm going to start with a comfortable seated position. I'll put out my weekly plea, Which is if you'd like to support my work as a Buddhist pastor, Everything I do is entirely by donation in the 2, 500 year old tradition of Theravada Buddhism. So everything I do is just supported by donations by people who are not official. Obviously if you can't donate, Don't worry about it. But if you'd like to support my work, The Venmo is Dharma, D-H-A-R-M-A, Punks, P-U-N-X-N-Y-C, Or there's the PayPal button on the DharmaPunksNYC site. And so thank you for listening and let's find a really comfortable position. And closing the eyes and just taking a moment to make sure that we have, Talking about balance, That we have a good balanced position. It could be said that finding balance in life also has its roots in finding a good balance in the body. That wasn't part of the talk, But in many ways, If we learn how to keep the head nicely positioned above the shoulders and the shoulders directly above the sit bones and the hips, Then if there's a good alignment, Then we're not rushing through life. When we're rushing through life, The shoulders are lifted, The head is slightly in front of the body, That classic computer screen pose where the head is arched in front like we're trying to get somewhere. But when we really truly land in our life and really see what we're experiencing, Then very often the body comes into balance. There's this nice relaxed alignment. So a good way to start is to, I found, Is to engage the vagal nerve, Which switches us out of the sort of stressful mobilization state of the sort of fight flight survival, Over action, Needlessly high heart rate, Reactive states of life. The vagal nerve in the body is kind of the break that restores us to rest and digest and allows all the different regions of the brain, As Porges has shown, When the nervous system down regulates to parasympathetic state, Then the most, The regions of the frontal lobe that can get switched off under stress, Switch back on. So we can activate this state of ease and rest and calmness by first taking a nice inhalation and squinching the muscles in the face, Tight, Pinching the nose, Clenching the jaw. And as we breathe out, Soften all the muscles there, Just relax them. The supra diaphragmatic or the ventral dorsal, The ventral vagal nerve, Excuse me, Runs up to the cranial nerve in the face. So relaxing the muscles in the face is a first step to attaining a state of ease and calmness, Allowing the mouth to stay very wide and then take a second breath, Lifting up the shoulders and expanding out the chest and then rotating the shoulders and then moving the chest and then rotating the shoulders back to open the chest even further and then breathing out and just allow the shoulders to drop and the chest to remain open. Of course, The a key region of the vagal nerve is the heart center. Vagal nerve controls heart rate and so many other biological processes. So opening up the chest and then for a third in-breath, Expanding the belly out, Diaphragmatic breathing. So you're bloating your belly out like you're pulling in the breath into your belly and then as you release the air, You're opening up into your belly and then as you release the breath, Soften the belly. So using the abdomen to bring in the breath, It's not literally but it feels like it's bringing in the breath. As we breathe in, The belly expands and then as we breathe out, The belly softens and becomes pliant and that's really the seed of the vagal nerve. So all of this is engaging what's called a vagal break. It's a lowering heart rate and respiration. It's taking us out of reactive, Sympathetic, You know, Mobilization, Busyness states and returning us to a very healthy state where we can engage with life from a less reactive more. We respond to life rather than react. And so bringing our awareness fully into the sensations that are of our inner world and trying to connect with the energy moving through the body. The energy is that sense of movement in the body. So the energy might be most obvious by the flow or the movement in the front of the body as we breathe. As I breathe, First the belly and the chest slightly expand, The chest lifts a little bit on the inhalation and then there's this subtle, So my body lifts a little bit, So my body lifts up and back and then as I breathe out, There's this tilting forward, There's a, The chest subsides, The belly softens and so that energy is the movement of those muscles, The feeling of a flow upwards and then downwards. Other energy is the sensations that occur in the body, The sense of liquidity in the mouth, The air in the lungs, The solidity of the legs or heat, Heat in the body, Warmth. And just fully landing in this richer internal arena and it's worth trying as we become aware of this internal sensations, Energy flowing upwards and downwards, Random sensations or feelings in different parts of the body to not visually locate where each sensation is occurring. Let go of the sense that even these sensations are occurring in our body, They're just sensations or energy flowing but we don't even contain them within a body. Sometimes when I practice, I will try to experience the sounds that are coming from the outside and the body sensations that are coming from the inside, I try to let go of that entire idea of what's inside and what's outside and just trying to let go of that whole idea of what's inside and what's outside and just experience all the present time sensations as just events occurring in a vast open continuous consciousness, No inside or outside, Everything just occurring within awareness, Everything occurring in the mind, Nothing outside. And when thoughts arise, If we have enough attention to the real present time sensations, We can just note the thoughts, Just let them pass through awareness like clouds passing through a sky, Not resisting, Not climbing into the cloud and drifting away, Just observing it from the ground, Just like we observe clouds from the ground, We observe thoughts from the body, From the sensations of the body and we don't even notice the sensations of the body and we don't get involved with them, We don't resist them. So always keep the real sensations of the present first and foremost in the mind and if you get hooked by a thought, You climb up into one of those little clouds floating through and you're no longer grounded, Just drop back down to the body, Return to the sensations that are actually occurring, Your body is the portal to what's real, Your body is the way to awakening as it were. So we'll just sit here in silence for a while. You you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you So hopefully we've established some state of calm, Ease and what I'd like to invite you now to do if you're inclined to move to this new practice is to notice how your body first feels at this point when it's hopefully a little more relaxed, At ease, Noticing any sense of subtleness in the mind, Notice if the breath is nicely balanced, Inhalation and exhalation, Notice if there's any tightness or ease in the abdomen, Chest, Throat or face, Nice and now let's bring to mind a situation where we fall into a repetitive behavior, Something that we expend too much of our energies upon. For some of us we might visualize coming, Being at home at night feeling a sense of loneliness and then reaching for food, A little bit of rest, A little bit of rest, A little bit of rest, A sense of loneliness and then reaching for food, Sugar, Ice cream, Carbs to eat. For some of us it might be the time where we should put away work and turn towards connecting with others or self-care and instead we continue to push and keep engaged in work even though we're no longer fully at our most creative. For some of us it might be the times we become preoccupied with a relationship, Start to check for messages from somebody we want to hear from or it might be another repetitive activity, Some people obsessively checking in with news, Some might find themselves always returning to some form of physical activity, Exercise. Whatever it is, Whatever this repetitive activity is, It's always going to be a time where we're going to be able to go to dance, Or dance for a certain amount of money or même and dance for a certain amount of money for bus rides. Either way of thinking the most of our time cabbage before the我 the situation right before you engage in this activity, Just visualize yourself on the verge, As it were, Of shopping, Of eating, Of looking at the phone or checking the news or whatever it is. You're right on the verge of it and just ask yourself, Okay, What am I feeling? What is the feeling underlying that I'm running from? What feeling am I trying to escape? For some people, It's the experience of loneliness, A feeling of emptiness, A feeling of disappointment in our life. For some, It might be just the sense that there's something stressful in our life that we're not dealing with. A challenging situation with a family or roommates or not dealing with a difficult conversation we have to have with someone, Not dealing with an issue with our work. There's always something, Whenever we are struggling to have a balanced life, Inevitably there'll be some compulsive, Repetitive activity that's undoing the balance. Whenever there's a repetitive activity, There's some feeling or stressful situation that we don't want to process and be with. In this meditation, I'm just asking us to see if we can connect with what is underlying. What is it that we don't want to look at, Don't want to feel? What is it that we're running from? Seeing as we do in the Buddhist practice to face dukkha, To face our stress, And just seeing what remains hidden, Unaddressed. You might not connect with it right now, But this is a way that we can use our practice to unearth repressed emotional content we've been running from. When we do that, Then a balanced life is almost inevitably now possible. So now I'm going to ring the bowl and take your time. You don't need to rush. Take as much time as you need to, When you hear the sound, To open your eyes. Let it be a very gradual transition from internally focused to a balance of internal and external awareness.