You Can Change Your Personality (Here's The Science Of How)

00:30

10:44

You Can Change Your Personality (Here's The Science Of How)

by Kinga Kremer

Rated

5

Type

talks

Activity

Meditation

Suitable for

Everyone

Plays

10

We often believe our patterns are just who we are. Too anxious, too reactive, too set in our ways to change. In this talk, Kinga explains the neuroscience of how a passing state becomes a fixed trait, and how the very same mechanism can be used, on purpose, to gently build a new way of being.

Nervous System Habit Formation Anxiety Grounding Emotional Resilience Self Transformation Mindfulness Somatic Experiencing Nervous System Regulation Anxiety Management Grounding Techniques

Meet your Teacher

Stockholm, Sweden

Meet your Teacher

Stockholm, Sweden

Transcript

If you've ever learned that your anxiety or your reactivity or your patterns came from your childhood. From your nervous system. You know, From things that happened before you could even choose. You might have felt Two different things. At once, Like relief because finally it made sense, And then also maybe like a quiet despair because If it's that deep, You know, The old and it's wired in, Then how on earth can you change it? I want to answer that for you today. And the answer is genuinely good news, Backed by how your brain actually works. Because the same mechanism that wired all of this into you is the exact mechanism that can wire something new. So the good news is that you're not stuck with the version of you that survival built. You can actually build a different one on purpose. Hi, I'm Kinga and I'm a nervous system and somatic trauma release practitioner. And I want to show you exactly how. Temporary state. Becomes a permanent trait. Because once you understand that, You hold the key to changing on purpose what life once changed by accident. So let me start with the one word this all rests on. Neuroplasticity. What it means is just that your brain is not fixed. It physically changes based on what you repeat. So every time you think a thought, Feel a feeling, Or run a reaction, You're using a particular pathway in your brain. And your brain is efficient. So when you use a pathway over and over, It strengthens it. It sort of wraps it in insulation so the signal fires faster and easier next time. The paths that you use a lot become highways. The paths you rarely use go quiet and go over. Now there's a line, A famous line neuroscientists use for this. Neurons that fire together, Wire together. So whatever you Practice, You strengthen. Always. There's no neutral. You are always training your brain toward something. The only question is, What? What are you training for? Now, Here's the part that connects to everything. This is how a state became a trait in the first place. So a state is temporary, Right? Like fear in the moment, Bracing when something happens, Shutting down when it's too much for your system. That's a state. It comes, It goes. And then a different state comes and goes. But when you're in a certain state again and again, Because your environment keeps triggering it. Your brain does exactly what it's built to do. It strengthens that pathway. It makes it faster and easier to fall into next time. Until eventually you don't have to be triggered much at all because the pathway is so well-worn that you live there by default. And that's a trait. It becomes a trait. That's when we stop saying, I felt anxious and start saying, I'm an anxious person. So the state got repeated so many times that It became the structure. And nobody chose that. It's just plasticity doing its job with whatever it was given. Which means. . . And stay with me here because this is the whole thing. Which means that the exact same process can run in reverse. So if repetition built the trait, Repetition can build a new one. So if firing that pathway strengthened it, Then firing a different pathway over and over strengthens that one instead, Right? And the old highway that you stopped using, It doesn't get ripped out of the system, But it goes quiet, It weakens, It stops being your default. You don't delete the old self, You just stop feeding it. You start building right next to it, A new one, Until the new path becomes the one that your system automatically reaches for. And this is the most helpful fact, That I know the mechanism isn't picky. It builds your fear with repetition, Right? So it will build your calm. The same way. It doesn't care which one you feed, It just strengthens whatever you practice, Whatever you choose to practice. So now the real question is, If it's about repetition, How do you actually do it? And this is where I have to correct something because most people get this exactly backwards. So we think. . . That change comes from, You know, This big. . . Magical moments, The breakthroughs. The retreat, The one cathartic cry where it all just releases and you walk out as a new person. And those moments are real and they do matter, But that's not how a trait is built. A highway is not built in one dramatic afternoon. It's actually built by the same small trip taken again and again. Your brain doesn't rewire from intensity, It rewires from repetition. One huge emotional experience is still a state, But like a tiny practice done daily for months is a trait. And it's the trait that you're after, Right? So this is why the small thing that you dismiss like it's too small, It doesn't matter. That's actually the whole game. Like, For example, Three grounding breaths every day or catching one reaction and choosing differently and then doing that again, Again, Doing it tomorrow and the day after, Or sitting in one minute of feeling instead of running from that particular feeling over and over. And none of those change you the day that you do them. They actually feel pointless in the moment. And they are quietly laying down a highway, One pass at a time. So the people who change are almost never the ones who did something dramatic once. They are the ones who did something small a thousand times. Let me give you my own proof, My own example. Because I lived both directions of this. I used to have panic attacks on flights. And I swore I'd never leave Europe. And that, You know, It wasn't a decision. It was a highway built from years of my body bracing and learning that discomfort meant danger, Fire together, Wire together. And I practiced it. I practiced fear so many times that it had become who I was. Like, Okay, I'm just someone who cannot fly. But it changed and it didn't change from one big brave flight that fixed me. It just changed because I started deliberately in small safe doses teaching my body a different response to discomfort. And it wasn't just like, You know, Taking longer and longer flights each time and like slowly building up to it. But there were other things that I practiced. For example, Cold rinse at the end of a shower or even going for a 30-minute walk during the Swedish winter wearing just shorts and a sleeveless top. Just testing my ad and also a plank held 10 seconds longer or passed when I wanted to quit. And just staying in small hard moments, Staying in small hard things on purpose. And staying just a little longer each time. You know, Little reps. Boring, Unremarkable reps. And rep by rep. I was paving a new road, Teaching my nervous system that discomfort doesn't have to mean danger. I can feel this. And be okay and I built that pathway the same way I'd built the old one through repetition until one day. . . I just took a 13 hour flight with no fear in my body at all. Same brain, Same mechanism, Different roads. Because I fed a different one. So here's your practice if you want to do this with me. And by now, You know why it's small on purpose. Pick one new response you want to become your default. Just one. Maybe it's pausing before you react. Maybe it's letting yourself receive a compliment instead of deflecting. Maybe it's taking three slow breaths when you feel the old tightening start in your body. So again, Don't do it big, Just do it small, But do it daily and attach it to something you already do. Every time, For example, You turn on the kettle in the morning, Like, Take three grounding breaths and check in with yourself. Or every time you catch the old reaction rising in your body, Take one pause before you respond. You're not trying to transform yourself overnight. You're just taking the same little trip down the new road. But you're doing it every single day, So your brain starts to build it. And here's the part I need you to make peace with, Because it's the reason most people quit. It will feel like nothing is happening. For a while, You know, The old highway is still faster, So you'll still default to it. And you think, Oh, It's not working. But it is, Because underneath, Quietly, The new path is being laid. Plasticity is not dramatic, Just relentless. If you keep feeding it, You know, Trust the reps before you can actually feel them. So if you came in here today believing that you were too far gone, Too old, Too wired, Too much. . . I hope you're leaving with this instead. You are not fixed. You are formable. You always were. The same power that shaped you without your permission is now yours to use on purpose. You're not stuck with who you are or who you became. You actually get to practice. Who you're becoming. So who is that new person that you want to become? So this week, Pick one small new response, Attach it to something you already do, And repeat it daily. Trust the reps before you can actually feel them. Just trust the process. And I hope to see you next time.