Episode Forty-Three: The Byte-Kari Kaiser Niedermaier

And I approached the priest for communion.

And so when I took the bread and dipped it in the wine and put it in my mouth,

It felt like light was just coming out of me.

And I just assumed that that was true for everybody.

So I've had a deep connection with God since I was young.

What a beautiful thing.

And I love that as a child,

You're looking around,

You're like,

So did you feel that?

Yeah,

I know.

So where to start?

I,

Again,

I mentioned when I was young,

I had that experience with communion.

So I've always felt like I've connected with God since I was young.

And so there's been some times where I've directly heard God's voice and there's times when I've been given visions.

And so I have no,

Like,

I don't have doubt in the way that people are like,

Is God real?

I mean,

I have lots of doubts about how we define God or how we try to contain God and how that gets in the way.

But there's something bigger than anything I could ever understand that brings me peace and clarity when I'm most confused.

And usually it's when I'm in turmoil.

I mean,

I remember that my twins were born at 27 weeks and I spent 11 weeks praying the Psalms over them,

Just because the Psalmist were the only place that I could find voice for all of the feelings that I had.

And I was a control freak when it comes to parenting and birthing and kids.

And,

You know,

I didn't have any drugs up until their birth.

And then I think I had to have several procedures before they were born.

And I think I ended up having like four epidurals in like two weeks or something.

I mean,

It was hilarious.

It was talking about a bitch slap,

Like,

Oh,

You thought this was horrible.

Like,

Well,

Let's see how horrible it is.

So there was a lot of humility and recognizing that,

Like,

You never know what God's gonna hand you and you just have to do the best you can.

But I really thought they were gonna,

At least one of them,

Tommy was really,

Really sick.

I didn't think he was gonna make it.

And I just remember praying fervently for him and then also feeling guilt.

Cause when you're in the NICU for 11 weeks,

There are babies that don't make it.

So,

You know,

Why do you get to keep praying for these babies?

And then there's other parents that don't get to.

And I remember driving home and we were homeschooling at the time.

So I had four kids at home and I was trying to manage people coming in a week at a time to help with them while also being in the NICU.

And I mean,

I was pumping like a fierce woman because I wanted to try to get them breast milk,

Keep them healthy.

And it was just insane.

But remember driving home and just pouring out my heart and my soul and this sense,

Like God saying,

I got this.

And it wasn't this sense like that they were gonna live.

That's not what I felt.

I was like,

I got this.

Like,

Just be,

Like,

I got this.

I'll be with you.

I'll be with them.

I got this.

And that was enough.

I never felt that like control and that anxiety,

You know,

That builds up when you feel like there's something out of your control.

And so for the rest of their journey,

I was good.

And then a few years later,

It was tumultuous after we brought them home.

They were sick and I was nursing and pumping.

And I mean,

Dan and I joke that that year of our marriage just doesn't count,

But we wounded each other deeply in those two years.

I mean,

Deeply.

There were some marital indiscretions and there was a lot of anger and it was just really,

Really horrible.

And I love to play the victim.

I mean,

I am a codependent to heart.

So I love to play the victim.

And I kept repeating these stories over and over in my mind of how unfair it was and how I was a victim and et cetera,

Et cetera.

And I remember probably about maybe a year and a half into this turmoil.

I mean,

We'd seen a couple of different marriage counselors and it just was,

It was ugly.

And I remember pouring out my heart to God and all of a sudden I heard God's voice say,

How do you think I feel?

And it like took the wind out of me.

Like this idea,

Like,

Who do I think I am that people aren't gonna harm me when God,

Like love,

Is constantly,

People are turning their back on love and are doing harmful things in love's name.

And that just,

It just caught me.

And immediately I knew,

Who are you?

You're no one.

Like shit's gonna happen.

You know,

Like shit is going to happen and you can choose to figure out how to move forward in love with everyone involved or not.

And it wasn't easy.

And I had to pray every day,

Like God,

Let me see my husband as you see him because lots of days I couldn't see him that way.

I'm sure he couldn't see me that way either.

And so it was a lot of choosing a path of love instead of choosing hate or turning away or turning in on ourselves or whatnot.

But like God showed up for real.

Like I tell people the only reason we're still married is because of that.

And it's beautiful.

I remember one time in that midst,

I was sitting at the park and I was just crying to God,

Like,

Please just let me leave.

Like,

I just need the pain to stop.

Just like,

Let me leave.

And God gave me an image of Dan and I old walking hand in hand.

And again,

It was one of those things,

Just like when driving home from the NICU where it was like,

All right,

There was no promise it was going to be easy.

There was no promise that it was always going to be picture perfect.

But it was like,

If you can stay the course,

That's going to be worth it.

Things are going to be holy.

And that was enough.

People everywhere are discovering that maybe to create true social change,

To live in community with diverse peoples of diverse cultures,

To embrace the world in all of its multiplicities,

They cannot do those things authentically within the religious structures as they are now.

And I feel that people,

Society,

Even the world,

You know,

These articles keep coming out saying,

People are,

More and more people are spiritual,

But not religious.

And that's happening for a reason.

It's like,

What does it mean to be fed in today's world?

Like spiritually,

Relationally,

In community,

What does that mean?

And why aren't churches able to do that for so many?

So I think it's really interesting.

It'll be interesting to see where all of this takes us,

This next century.

It's fascinating.

And this is my dilemma when it comes down to it.

And I think that this captures it well.

I have been participating in the People's Inauguration.

Valerie Kaur launched this around the time of when Biden and Kamala Harris were inaugurated.

And they did like 10 days of,

It's kind of like community organizing training,

But it's also just like,

How do you do it in a way that's whole,

Kind of?

Because a lot of community organizing,

The left can be as militant as the right can be over their different things.

And there's not really a central way,

You know what I'm saying?

And so she was interviewing the one that I was really meditating on this week,

And they did it 10 days straight,

And I need more space than that.

So like,

I've been listening to like one a week,

And just like slowly like savoring it,

Letting it like sit in.

If I need to take a week off,

I do.

But so the one this week has been on listening.

And she interviewed Van Jones,

Who's a CNN commentator.

And he said,

And this is my feeling on the church.

He said,

You know,

If you're like,

Well,

You know,

Forget it,

I'm not gonna pay any attention to Trump.

Clearly he's an idiot.

Like,

I'm just gonna throw him away.

And then I'm not gonna listen to the,

You know,

10,

000 or whatever insurrectionists at the Capitol,

Because clearly they're idiots,

And I'm just gonna throw them away.

Or the what,

30 or 40 million that think that the election was stolen,

Or the,

I don't know what the numbers are.

He knew them,

Because that's his job.

I don't,

The numbers that voted for Trump.

But he said,

Our trash is extremist treasure.

And that's how I feel about the church.

Like we know,

There's research that shows that the institutional church is one of the most racist places in America.

In a lot of spaces,

It's probably one of the most homophobic.

So if I just leave,

If I just go do my own thing,

Which I could do,

Like maybe it's fear,

But maybe it's also that I actually believe that there's room in the tent for everybody,

And that everyone's redeemable.

Not that like I have it all figured out,

But I wanna walk with people who are so sure they have it figured out,

But their tent is so small that there's not room for anyone in it.

And so I'm torn in this place,

Because Van Jones is right.

Like if we all just walk away from our current institutions and leave them,

We could.

So there needs to be people who are dreaming and building new things,

But we also have to stay in relationship with the old institutions,

Or our trash is extremist treasure.

And that's horrifying.

Like what would our society look like then?

This has been episode 43 of Bite Sized Blessings,

And we'll be opening our eyes to it.

And whether you choose to listen to our Bite Sized offerings for that five to 10 minutes of freedom in your day,

Or the longer interviews,

We're grateful you're here.

I need to thank my guest,

Kari Niedermayer,

For sharing her story with me today,

As well as the creators of the music used.

Taiga Sound Productions,

Music L.

Files,

Kevin McLeod,

Winnie the Moo,

Sasha End,

Frank Schroeder,

And Raphael Crux.

For complete attribution,

Please see the Bite Sized Blessings website at bite-sized-blessings.

Com.

On the website,

You'll find links to other change makers,

Books,

Music,

And words I think will lift and inspire you.

Also,

If you get a chance,

Reviews and ratings are where it's at.

It helps others find us.

Please leave a rating and review wherever you find your podcasts,

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Thank you for listening,

And here's my one request.

Be like Kari.

Think of the other,

You know,

The other with the capital O,

Those you disagree with,

Those you don't particularly like.

Think of them and make your tent larger.

Include them,

Hopefully changing hearts and minds along the way.

["Pomp and Circumstance"]