An Afternoon At The Auction Room

Hello there,

It's Mandy here.

Thanks ever so much for joining me tonight.

And welcome to another of my walks and rambles.

And tonight it's an afternoon at the auction room.

I do hope you're feeling okay tonight.

But if not,

Perhaps you'll feel a little bit more okay once you've listened to this ramble,

Which is about my local auction rooms.

It's a place I love to visit and always makes me feel super relaxed.

Even though it reminds me of the passing of time and of all the people who have gone before me,

It does so in a comforting way and makes any worries I'm having seem less important.

I'm really hoping it has the same effect on you and that it'll help you relax and even achieve that holy grail,

Drifting off to sleep.

In some ways,

Sifting through all the antiques or junk or potential finds and bargains,

However you want to look at them,

Is also like searching for the holy grail.

I find it extremely hard not to put a bid in on one thing or another every time I go.

They're very rarely things that I actually need.

Although I did once buy something useful,

A very large rug,

Which I still have in my back room.

But the least useful thing I've ever bought,

And I bought it by accident,

Was a set of left-handed golf clubs in a carrying case,

Which came with lots of unwashed men's clothing stuffed into it.

I'm not a man,

And I'm right-handed,

And I don't even play golf.

Mistakes aside,

At our local auction room,

Temptation is the name of the game.

The staff are proper enablers to extravagance.

It's great fun to go there and watch the auction,

Of course,

Or just part of it.

The punters stand around holding their notes or sit down on one of the sofas and chairs that are being auctioned that week.

In front of them,

A man sits at a raised desk,

Talking in a raised voice.

He goes at unbelievable speed,

Like a horse-racing commentator,

And bangs his auctioneer's hammer down to signal the sale of each lot.

He has upwards of a thousand lots to get through every time,

So no wonder he has to hurry.

But the auction house's masterstroke is that they also allow you to submit bids on a form.

Then you don't even have to attend.

The admin people ring you up the day after the auction to tell you whether you've been successful or not.

This is absolutely fatal.

I went there last week with you in mind.

Not to buy you a set of left-handed golf clubs plus dirty laundry,

You'll be pleased to hear,

But to make notes and take some photographs so that I could describe it all to you now.

Well,

I also found myself filling out that irresistible form.

I tried on a jet-black coat of the lightest,

Softest wool you could imagine.

It came right down to my ankles and was as warm and as cosy as anything.

It was very difficult to take it off and put it back onto the rack.

Of course,

I had to put a bid in.

I also had to force myself not to put in a mean bid as I've lost so many beautiful items that way.

And indeed,

I still dream of a large blue and gold rug that I completely misjudged the value of.

But the next day,

I found out I hadn't got the coat.

Someone who had obviously attended the auction bid just five pounds more than me to secure it.

So perhaps that's another lesson.

If you really want something,

Filling out a form is not enough.

You have to be there.

But enough about me.

This is about you.

And I'd like you to imagine now that you've come to visit me in my little house,

In my little town,

On the edge of the Yorkshire Dales in England where most of the buildings were constructed at least a hundred years ago of millstone grit,

A dark and very hard stone that was quarried from the heart of the famous moor that looms above the town where once hermits and giants roamed or so they say and has even had a song written about it that celebrates how cold it is in the winter.

But you've had a cup of tea and now you've decided to take the ten minute stroll to the auction room down alleys and side streets the same ones I describe in another of my tracks a peaceful walk in a Yorkshire town.

But it doesn't matter if you haven't listened to that track because I'm sure you can imagine narrow streets of small stone-built terraced houses with tiny gardens some at the front,

Some at the back front doors,

Some brightly painted,

Some not each expressing the owner's individuality or their conformity or their sense of what looks nice in the terraced street of dark stone.

Some of the houses are near enough that you can touch them from the pavement especially when you go around corners and you notice how cool the stone is to the touch it probably stays that way even at the height of summer,

You think.

You reach the auction room a two-storey stone building with a modern office built onto the front of it you push open the door and enter a lobby you nod hello to the two women who sit in a small office area to your left blue lettering on a white board says sail this way and you follow the arrow to enter a small landing at the top of a short wooden staircase it's a great vantage point looking down into the cavernous warehouse-like room where rugs,

Dark wooden furniture hat stands,

Tables full of china mobility scooters,

Fridge freezers swords,

Music CDs lawnmowers,

Musical instruments fishing rods,

Golf clubs paintings,

Sofas,

Armchairs and more rugs lie spread out vying with each other for your attention you descend the steps and your hand runs gently down the rail to your left which is hung with rugs and throws you feel the softness of animal fur the rough wool of an old-fashioned checked blanket and now you are on the auction floor there is simply so much stuff here you have no idea where to begin about 20 other people are browsing from table to table they pick up items and put them down there is a low murmur of chatter mobile phones are much in evidence some people consult an unseen acquaintance friend or relative and show them an interesting piece they've got a hat stand but it's white instead of brown should I still place a bid?

Some look up prices on eBay how much for a second-hand Zanussi fridge freezer?

One man wonders but how do I know whether it works or not?

And what should I pay for a pine dresser?

You decide to start at the back of the high-ceilinged hall amid a not unpleasant smell of old wood and clothes you make your way past two chaps who are chatting at length having obviously bumped into each other after a long gap other people are totally absorbed staring into glass cabinets or closely examining electrical equipment the aisles are narrow and you have to tactfully clear your throat a few times to get other browsers to move out of your way you begin with a table full of small odds and ends a shallow cardboard tray marked lot 415 is full of haberdashery dozens of buttons some still fastened to their original cards others strung together through their middles with loops of thread you spot some brown buttons some navy ones and some big wooden ones coat buttons probably but the majority of the buttons are white and in all sizes from tiny shirt buttons up to some really enormous thick hexagonal shaped ones that look very sixties-ish you wonder why someone would have needed all those white buttons and can't really come up with an answer you notice press studs on torn turquoise card your mother had some exactly the same and in fact you might even still have them somewhere though you haven't used them for years but most numerous in the shallow cardboard box are belt buckles there must be a hundred of all different shapes and sizes styles and colours you reach into the box and run your hand across them feeling their coolness and their different contours plastic,

Brass,

Wood,

Leather,

Fabric covered all have different textures there's even one that seems to be made of iron they are square,

Semi-circular,

Round,

Oblong and the colours pink,

Pale blue brown,

Maroon,

Green,

Yellow navy marble defect black,

Chrome again,

You wonder why so many?

Perhaps you don't really have to ask they will have belonged to a dressmaker and you know that dressmakers are prone to hoarding things that that is in fact part of the pleasure of sewing you think about your own basket of buttons full of fastenings from past garments that have been thrown or given away the spare buttons that come when you buy something new and the buttons you inherited from your mother who inherited them in turn from her mother you rarely use them but sometimes you plunge your hand into the basket just for the pleasure of feeling the slipperiness of the buttons their different textures and shapes shifting against your fingers you can't imagine ever throwing them away you think too of your chest full of fabrics in a rainbow of colours and textures crisp cottons soft jerseys springy scuba silky viscose stiff linen and even waxed plastics far more than you will ever sew even if you live to be a hundred the colours and textures are what delight you just the same as when you call into a clothes shop and spend fifteen minutes or so wandering between the rails of clothes your hand reaching out almost of its own accord to touch silken sleeves and feel the weight of draping hems to stroke textured shoulders and test the heaviness of zips to know the stiffness or stretchiness of jeans the elasticity of waistbands to feel the softness of acrylic or angora jumpers or the slight roughness of lambswool these understandings come partly through your sight but perhaps even more through the touch of your fingers an instant knowledge of the character of different fabrics how many mistakes you've made buying clothes or material on the internet where you're not able to touch them first the wrong weights and thicknesses of cloth have arrived through the post and garments have been rough where they should be soft skimpy where they should be generous as for clothes shops you often leave without buying anything knowing that reducing all those garments to one or at best two things to be paid for,

Folded up and taken home in a paper carrier bag while nice isn't quite as good as standing in the shop itself surrounded by fabric,

Colour and design once you've got the garment home gone are all the contrasts of colour,

Shape and texture that you so enjoyed in the shop you're probably a clothes retailer's nightmare handling everything picking things up,

Then putting them down leaving finger marks everywhere and then leaving without spending a thing back at the auction room your eyes skip from the tray of haberdashery to another shallow box next to it this time made of wood with a lid it opens smoothly and jewel-like colours shine up at you from a lining of bright red felt a blue hexagon a silver and black striped disc another hexagon decorated in turquoise art deco a red marbled square black and gold flowers several gold oblongs you have no idea what they are handbag mirrors perhaps enclosed in decorative cases you pick up the red marbled square and open it at the clasp when you guessed at mirrors you were half right it is a powder compact the skin-toned powder worn down into a sparse ring inside you open a few more and find them similar all used to a greater or lesser degree you count them 22 again you're curious are these the normal acquisitions of a lifetime or did their owner see them as a collection 22 is a lot of powder compacts to own by accident oh well,

It's yet another thing that you will never have an answer to that list of unanswered questions has grown and grown over your lifetime until nowadays you're sure it's way,

Way longer than your other list the list of answered questions the trouble is,

When things are answered you tend to forget all about them it's the unanswered ones that stick around you wonder too whether anyone below the age of about 80 or so would ever use a powder compact exactly like this you have had powder compacts in the past but they were plastic ones that came ready-made with the exact right shade of powder to match your skin tone or rather to subtly enhance your skin tone stamped into them in a factory but these compacts are beautiful the temptation to put in a bid for them is strong you sigh it's been your impression recently that we've reached a time in the West when it is only too easy to acquire things and more things the task nowadays seems to be to divest oneself of clutter and rationalise all the items stuffed into cupboards and drawers give away,

Donate to charity recycle,

Repurpose and try not to add things to landfill and as for anyone else you live with trying to throw out the annoying bits of junk,

Detritus,

Tat and mementos that they accumulate and insist on keeping on any available surface to gather dust though unfortunately they have the memory of an elephant and always say what happened to those pebbles from that beach in Ireland or that presentation beer box I gave you ten Christmases ago that used to live on the bookshelf in the sitting room oh perhaps that's just me and my partner next on the auction room table stands an ancient typewriter big and heavy looking it still has its old black and red typewriter ribbon running between two spools it has lovely keys round with a black centre and a silver rim the relevant letter or punctuation mark picked out in silver the name of its maker the Royal Typewriter Company New York is spelt out beneath the space bar you spend a few moments marvelling at the strong wrists that typists back in the day must have had before moving on to lot 575 which announces itself on a brown label as decorated dried goods in a stainless steel fruit bowl although this isn't something you are in any way tempted to bid for and actually can't think that anyone else would be tempted to either you spend a few moments lifting up and admiring the goods which are all brown or white and about the size of cricket balls unlike cricket balls however they are light as a feather and either etched or painted in muted patterns under the goods table are a dozen cardboard boxes of records or vinyl as we call them nowadays although you do still possess a turntable and do allow yourself to reach down and riffle through the front of one of the boxes noticing the strange title of The Jimi Hendrix Experience Smash Hits surely Jimi Hendrix didn't have smash hits in that sense you simply don't dare to have a proper look through all the albums if you started on that you could quite easily look up at the clock and discover that two hours had gone by just like that CDs are in evidence too once again you still have a CD player but to look through these boxes would be madness you're the kind of person who finds it difficult not to be really thorough in this kind of situation you wouldn't rest until you had looked at every single jewel case and that is just the kind of obsessive place you don't want to go to right now next to the boxes of CDs you're rather surprised to find a box of CD players themselves there must be at least 20 you wonder naturally whether they all work and also whether there's a returning interest in this kind of technology just as there has been for vinyl you must admit you rather doubt it CD just never had the glamour of vinyl nor space for the wonderful artwork you used to find on album covers there was nothing like it slipping the glossy black disc out from its usually dog-eared and yellowing thin paper inner sleeve and sliding it expertly onto the turntable then lifting the needle from its cradle and lowering it gently precisely down onto one of the matte lines between the shining rings of the tracks to play your favourite track it was all so tactile but enough of music not that that's really possible the day would not be complete without looking at swords three of these instruments of violence lie on the next table alongside a sea of china teacups and saucers two of them have brightly polished brass handles and one has a leather sheath the other is more of a very long knife with a wooden handle once again you feel your own ignorance this time as regards the world of weaponry are they real swords?

Whatever that means they are pretty rusty and all have a separate auction number which makes you think they're probably worth something as otherwise they would all have been submitted together under the generic title of three swords if you were going to attend the auction tomorrow it would be interesting to see what sort of bids came in it's sometimes very hard to tell what items are worth but on to the china and you're fairly sure that none of this is worth very much there are two big sets one in a particular design that used to be popular in the UK in the 1980s white,

Quite sturdy painted with quite large pieces of fruit and leaves in autumnal colours you touch a few of the pieces they are cool and glossy they are lovely to your eyes and this is a very comprehensive set of about 50 pieces casseroles,

Plates,

Teacups,

Ramekins a teapot,

A gravy boat,

A butter dish different kinds of bowls gold rims,

Wink and dazzle the other set beyond also white and painted with pink roses is more delicate more of a tea set than a set of houseware although there are quite a lot of two-handled bowls that speak of soup on the rare occasions that you encounter china cups and saucers when out at a friend's for a cup of tea perhaps or in an old-fashioned cafe you feel absolutely charmed by them and never fail to say that this is how tea ought to be drunk it tastes so good this way and yet you have no temptation to keep a china tea service in your own home in fact you have got rid of at least three in your lifetime inherited from aunts or parents you find that in practice you favour the sensibleness and durability of mugs there are no tiny handles to knock against the sink no fluted rims to take little chips out of you pass a collection of five fishing rods next leaned up against the wall you have no experience with rods nor fishing so coveted though they probably will by some for you they evoke virtually no response beyond a dim recognition of what they are for others they no doubt evoke sitting with a thermos flask and a tupperware container full of sandwiches in delightful quietude besides a big pond or standing in a cold lively river in thigh high boots baiting the line then flicking it expertly out over the rushing waters but your usually fertile imagination is quite stumped so you move to the next table and a selection of ties neatly rolled and displayed in a shallow wooden box this box seems to be a close relative of the box you saw earlier that holds the powder compacts you count the ties within eleven,

Although two are the same a very dark navy with white diagonal stripes a deeply respectable pattern that looks like the livery of a company,

Probably a bank so perhaps that only counts as ten the colours of these ties especially together like this are really beautiful two lilac ties one striped with white the other with black a pink diamond tie a grey tie with white and black circles a black tie with tiny white diamonds a blue tie slashed across with red and green a pink and baby blue check and a denim blue with tiny white spots this last is your favourite if only it was possible to buy one tie but the auction would still be running this time next week if they allowed such tomfoolery you let the back of your hand drift gently over the ties for no reason other than the pleasure of feeling the different fabrics the slippery,

The matte next to the ties are two straw hats and a pair of black leather ice skates,

Size four what an amazing find these would be but what are the odds of that happening you can only assume that someone will buy them and put them on ebay someone who can afford to play the waiting game now you come to a rack of coats and jackets fur,

Leather tweed,

Oil skin these are all wonderful textures to run your hands over soft,

Then cool then rough,

Then almost tacky but you're almost done here,

You've seen enough so decide not to stop and try anything on again,

It would be a miracle even if you did find something you liked,

That the garment would be in the right size as you walk back towards the steps that will take you back up onto the landing and then out,

You see a large grey blanket spread out on top of several trunks sewn onto it are around sixty brightly coloured cloth badges your curiosity is piqued,

So you go closer and bend down to examine them,

They are all badges from different places in Great Britain Cornwall,

Says one Wollacombe,

Another Torquay,

Widdicombe Land's End St Michael's Mount Whitby,

Arran Snowdon,

Wales Lakeland,

Cumbria Glencathra,

Falmouth Swanage and Purbeck Babacombe pictures of castles,

Cliffs houses,

Heraldry eagles,

Walking boots birds,

Trees fossils,

Seals you touch the rough grey weave of the blanket move your fingers over the silky raised embroidery on the badges charmingly,

In between the placed badges lie others a senior hockey badge,

A badge for a gymnastics award,

A Girl Guides badge,

A Blue Peter badge,

A badge commemorating Queen Elizabeth's Diamond Jubilee in 1970 a picture of the blanket's owner forms in your mind,

Of a woman in later life who spent a childhood holidaying in the UK during the fifties and sixties when people went motoring for pleasure and before the falling cost of air travel gave us all access to Spain and Portugal the rest of Europe and beyond this auction room really is nostalgia central but it is time to go the wooden steps creak under your feet as you go up onto the landing,

Take one last look at the wares spread out below you,

The punters still drifting thoughtfully from lot to lot just as you were a few minutes ago now you are back at street level you push open the swing door,

Walk across the lobby nod to the women on duty and step out into the street it is quite a shock to be out in the cool air at some unspecified time in the 21st century cars whizz past two men in high-vis jackets carry something heavy to a truck,

The local cinema advertises the latest movies the slowness and absorption of the auction room and the old times it made you think of seem to be unceremoniously whisked away but though you may sigh as you set off to walk back you feel it is good to be back in real life besides,

You realise you can carry some of the auction room calm with you,

Especially if you avoid the main road and go back through the alleyways and quieter streets your mind goes back to all the colours and textures the china,

The ties the swords,

Even the fishing rods and the auction room will be there again next week with new treasures to pour over but oh those powder compacts especially the hexagonal ones perhaps you will attend the auction tomorrow,

After all just to see what happens night night