473: Are You Being Gaslit? Here’s How To Know For Sure

Welcome to the Michelle Chalfant Show,

The next evolution of the Adult Share Podcast.

I am Michelle Chalfant and my goal is to help you to awaken to your true self.

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Each week I'll bring you powerful conversations with thought leaders,

Spiritual teachers,

Healers and change makers along with actionable insights to help you to transform your life from the inside out.

Welcome to the Michelle Chalfant Show.

Hello everybody and welcome to the Adult Share Podcast where we talk all things healthy adult.

Being a healthy adult means you're living in your adult chair and that's what we talk about here and today is no different.

Today I'm chatting with you about a term that gets thrown around quite a bit and sometimes people are not quite sure what it means.

So we're defining today the term gaslighting.

Yes,

Gaslighting.

And I'm simplifying it.

I'm really breaking it down so you guys understand what it is,

What it looks like or sounds like and then what do you do if you're being gaslit.

This term,

Much like narcissism,

Is thrown around a lot like everybody now is a narcissist and everybody is gaslighting each other.

It's like,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No,

Not true.

Not true at all.

That's why I'm doing today's show.

But in addition to that,

So many years of being a therapist and a life coach brought in questions about gaslighting.

A lot of people don't know that they're being gaslit.

So it's both sides of the coin.

Either it's being used too much or you don't even know that you're being gaslit.

So that's why we're breaking it down today.

So here we go.

Gaslighting 101.

Let's talk about what it is.

And by the way,

I'm going to talk about what it is,

The signs of gaslighting,

And then what do you do if you're being gaslit.

So we're jumping in with what it is.

So gaslighting,

Let's be clear,

It's abusive.

It happens in abusive relationships,

Which mostly are romantic,

But also happen within friendships or even with families.

Sometimes you'll find a parent is a narcissist,

So they gaslight,

Okay?

But it is a term used to describe the manipulation that occurs in abusive relationships.

The gaslighter makes their target feel crazy or doubt their reality,

Which over time creates a loss of confidence in self and how to move forward in life and make decisions.

I just want to say the word confusion,

You're going to hear me say this again,

Confusion is key.

If someone is gaslighting you,

You're going to feel confused and confused a lot.

The person,

We say to ourselves,

This person supposedly loves me,

Yet why is it with what they're saying,

It doesn't make sense to me?

Why does it make me feel confused?

It's gaslighting.

It's a form of crazy making.

Gaslighters have mental health issues,

Typically,

Again,

Narcissistic personality disorder,

Okay?

But not all gaslighters have narcissistic personality disorder.

Some of them are psychopaths.

Some of them are just plain control freak manipulators,

Let's just say that too.

But oftentimes you're going to see hand in hand narcissism with gaslighting.

Let's jump into some of the key signs of gaslighting.

And I want you to know this,

Gaslighting is all about manipulation,

Power over,

And control.

So it's a way of shifting someone's perception of reality.

And this is why someone that's being gaslit may say that they feel like they're going crazy or living even in the twilight zone,

Or they're confused all the time.

So when someone is gaslighting you,

You feel confused,

You doubt your memory,

A lot of people say,

I don't remember it that way,

But you must be right.

That's the problem is that we're in these relationships with people that supposedly care for us,

Care about us,

Love us.

So we trust them.

I mean,

Someone that loves me,

I'm going to trust that they're going to look out for my best interests.

I'm going to trust that they are going to say the right thing to me.

They're going to guide me in a loving way.

That's why we get so confused.

It's like if my husband is telling me something that's confusing me,

It doesn't make sense that it wouldn't be truth.

So we start believing it.

But when someone's gaslighting you,

You begin to feel so bad that you might even feel depressed or have so much self-doubt that you just lose yourself.

Others may ask you where you went,

What's going on,

Or you seem kind of vacant or empty inside,

Or just sad.

They'll say,

What's wrong with you?

You're always so sad.

But what's going on with you is that you're in a relationship with someone that is powering over you,

That is controlling or manipulating you,

And they're making you feel crazy.

Here's what's so hard,

Is when you call out the person that's gaslighting you,

They lie and they flip it back on you.

They do not take responsibility for their words or actions,

Even if you say they were hurtful.

They will respond with something like,

You know,

I'm sorry that you feel that way,

But really this is your issue.

It's not mine.

I'm sorry that you feel that way.

It's not an apology,

Okay?

Or they'll say something like,

Well,

You know,

I love you and I have your best interests at heart.

Why would you accuse me of lying or gaslighting you or manipulating you?

Why would you say that to me?

You know how much I care about you.

So then we feel bad and then we feel like,

Gosh,

Well,

Maybe I should apologize.

And then we end up apologizing for something that we didn't even do.

It's very manipulative when we find ourselves like doing things and again,

Let me use it again.

You're going to hear me say a hundred times today,

Confusing.

It's like,

Wait,

Why am I now apologizing even though they hurt me?

Okay.

And our beautiful caring partner might even say,

Or again,

Could be mom,

Dad,

Sister,

Brother,

Or friend.

They might even respond to us with something like,

You know,

I think that you need a break.

You're getting depressed and you're starting,

It sounds like you're losing your mind.

Yeah.

You're kind of making things up.

I never said those things to you that you're accusing me of.

I've never said that to you.

You heard it the wrong way.

Everything that when you try to speak up for yourself,

Your words get flipped around.

It gets flipped around.

So then you start doubting yourself like,

Oh,

Well,

Maybe it is my fault.

Okay.

Well,

You know,

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Number two,

Gaslighters distort realities.

They're incapable of speaking up for themselves and being honest and vulnerable,

Vulnerable.

They use manipulation to get what they want and to control you.

They deny that they ever did anything wrong.

And that instead that it's in fact you,

They didn't do anything wrong.

It's really your fault.

And you're like,

Wait,

It's my fault.

Oh,

I,

I'm okay.

So for example,

And again,

Most narcissists are men.

So I'm going to use man here,

But again,

I know plenty of females,

Daughter-in-laws,

Mother-in-laws that are narcissists as well.

So it's not always,

But the majority of narcissists are men.

So of course,

Gaslighting happens mostly from men.

Anyway,

Here's an example.

So imagine if your person says to you,

I don't know why you hang around those people.

You call those people friends.

They're not your friends.

They all turn on you.

So why would you call them your friend?

And you start thinking to yourself,

Wait,

Did they turn on me?

I don't think my friends turned on me.

I'm so confused.

Did they turn on me?

So you start questioning yourself like,

Oh my gosh,

I call them friends because they've been friends with me for a long time.

And your person would say something like,

I don't know.

I mean,

You just,

You came home.

You seem kind of edgy.

Are you stressed when you're with them?

So these seeds get planted to distort your reality and you're like,

Gosh,

Am I stressed?

Maybe I am.

And many times we find that they're,

They pick apart your family or your close friends because they're trying to create a distance between you and your friends or you and your family.

And they'll say things to you like,

Gosh,

You know,

I can't believe how your mother just treated you or your family is very controlling.

And they start planting seeds with things that aren't even there.

And then you,

Because you trust this person and you think they love you,

You go,

Gosh,

Well,

Did I miss that?

I have to start paying attention.

And then when our person starts suggesting that we distance ourselves from our friends,

Family,

Et cetera,

And our partner is saying,

Well,

That person is abusive.

I just can't believe you spent so much time with them.

We start thinking,

Well,

Gosh,

Maybe I should.

There it is.

I'm having a distorted reality.

You know,

I remember a friend of mine who was in a narcissistic relationship and she had just gotten married to this guy and she'd gotten a new job and she loved her job.

And she was working really hard.

And sometimes she would stay late,

Like after five,

Basically.

And sometimes she'd stay till six or 630.

And by the time she got home,

It was seven or 730.

And her boss loved her and her team that she was working on.

They loved her.

She was so happy.

And her husband worked from home and he was off work sometimes like at four.

Like he had a great job that he could just,

You know,

He'd be done by four and she was busting her butt.

It was a new company.

And again,

So happy.

Well,

She would come home from work and he would say to her things like,

You know,

I'm so tired of eating,

You know,

At eight o'clock.

Why can't you make dinner earlier?

And I was like,

Wait,

What?

Have him make dinner.

And then he started saying to her,

Instead of saying,

Hey,

Babe,

I really miss you.

Can you come home earlier?

He would say to her instead,

I don't think you're as intelligent as I thought because you can't seem to get all your work done by five like I can.

Like you're,

You're not getting home till seven,

730.

Like what's wrong with you?

I think you might have an issue at work.

I'm not sure that this job is the best for you because it's too challenging.

And the truth was the job was not challenging or it wasn't a way,

But she loved it.

She was doing great.

She just wanted to stay late.

Her boss stay late.

Her team was staying late.

So she stayed with them.

She was in heaven.

She was so happy with her job.

But her husband,

Who happened to be a narcissist and gaslit her all the time,

Started saying these things and would put her down when she'd come home late.

Even though it was a new job,

He would not support her.

He said there's something wrong with her that she could not get home by five.

So when the person that you love keeps speaking to you like this,

It wears you down because you believe they're telling you the truth and you're,

And you're thinking,

Why can't I trust this person?

I of course can trust them.

It's my husband.

So again,

You doubt yourself and your reality and you begin to believe theirs.

And that really crushes our self-worth,

Self-esteem.

We just start feeling badly about ourselves.

Okay.

Number three,

Gaslighters team up against you.

So gaslighters will get other people on their side and win their approval.

And they convince others that you're the wrong one and it's your fault and that you're the one with the issues.

And they come out like perfect and quote unquote seem concerned about you and convince others that you're the one with the issues.

You're the one with the problem.

And they pretend that they're worried about you and your mental health and they gain allies.

And yeah,

So let me give you an example.

Like they will kind of gather sometimes your family or your friends and let them know how concerned they are about you.

And it's all lies.

And then your friends and family will go,

I'm kind of concerned about you.

Your husband said this and this and this,

And you're like,

What?

And the gaslighter would say something to you like,

You know,

Your parents and your sisters,

They all agree with me.

You know,

You have anger issues,

You have a hairpin trigger.

It's all I can do to defend myself.

You know,

They have seen you get so frustrated and I'm defenseless against you and your anger.

Your mother is very concerned about you.

And then when you go to your family and you say,

Mom,

What is going on?

Your mom will say something like,

I'm really concerned about you.

I've heard about this anger.

You know,

You're frustrated all the time.

I don't know what to do about it.

And then again,

You're like,

Oh my gosh,

I have no allies.

So the gaslighter can manipulate and control in such a way that all of your allies are pulled away from you and you feel like you have nobody to go to and nobody that will listen to you,

Which makes you feel again,

Even worse.

Your self-worth just gets like,

Oh,

Chipped away,

Chipped away,

Chipped away.

And this is where oftentimes we find people in relationships like this,

Start feeling very depressed,

Very depressed because everyone seems to be against them.

And you begin doubting so much of yourself and your thoughts,

Okay?

So then you feel like you're so confused and in this twilight zone and it's all your fault.

Now everyone's against you that you decide to go get counseling or coaching.

And when in reality,

You're just being gaslit and you don't need to go to counseling or coaching.

But the good news is if you do,

Hopefully that person will say to you,

You're being gaslit.

So it's not a terrible thing if someone can identify that that's what's actually going on.

But yeah,

We feel like we are the ones that have lost our minds and we need to go get help.

So a gaslighter,

The next thing is they will shift the past in their favor.

So if you bring up something that happened in the past with a gaslighter,

You feel this is something you feel absolutely confident and how the past issue went down,

You know,

You had friends that witnessed it.

Everyone's on your side.

You say,

Okay,

I'm going to bring this up to my whomever,

My husband,

My mother,

My whomever that's gaslight or that something clearly happened here.

I was not at fault.

I'm a hundred percent sure I'm going to bring it up and talk to them about it.

So for example,

Let's just say that your,

That your partner says something really hurtful to you in front of other people and you're at a dinner party or some sort of party.

And clearly your friends even say,

Wow,

What was wrong with him that he said that to you?

That was really embarrassing,

Da,

Da,

Da,

Da,

Da,

Again,

Witnesses and you feel confident going into this conversation.

Like there's no way this can get twisted around on me.

But when you have the conversation,

Your partner says something like,

Oh my gosh,

That is not at all how it went down.

You gave me that look and it hurt me.

And then you told everybody that I've been looking for a job for the last two months and I hadn't found one yet.

That was so condescending and rude and embarrassing.

For me,

What did you expect me to do?

I had to defend myself,

So of course I snapped back at you.

I told you to shut your mouth.

And of course I gave you a dirty look.

What did you want me to do?

You did it.

You started it.

You were being rude.

So yeah,

That's not how it went down,

But that's how that person heard it.

And that's how,

Let me say it another way.

They didn't hear it like that.

That's how they twisted it because they'll never take ownership.

They don't see that they made a mistake and cut you off or said something rude.

They don't see that.

They instead will always flip it and blame you.

So the past is shifted in their favor.

Certainly,

Certainly they did not make a mistake.

It was you.

It was you.

And then they might say something like,

You should be apologizing to me.

I'm not apologizing to you.

I did nothing wrong.

And I'm sure that if your friends heard my version of the story and what you did to me,

They would side with me too.

I think you owe me an apology.

And then guess what happens?

And then you apologize and you walk away scratching your head like,

What the heck just happened there?

That is the weirdest thing.

I don't even understand what happened because I don't think I did anything wrong.

But you know,

The way he said it,

Maybe I did do something wrong.

And we totally second guess ourselves,

Which by the way,

It did nothing wrong.

And really,

He did snap at you.

He was angry and he cut you off and you did nothing wrong and you were not condescending.

But you doubt yourself because he's so upset.

The problem is,

Is a gaslighter is the eternal victim.

It's never their fault and they will own nothing.

They do not take responsibility.

So this is why for the next one,

Very important,

You don't share personal information with them because they'll use it against you.

They'll flip it on you.

Vulnerability is a no-no with a gaslighter.

So the last one is that they will use your vulnerabilities and emotions against you,

Against you.

So I say this loud and clearly,

This is you.

Do not,

Do not,

Do not share your personal information.

Your feelings,

Your vulnerabilities with someone that you think might be gaslighting you because it will come back to burn you.

Okay.

They will take your innermost thoughts and emotions that you shared and flip it on you.

If you shared,

For example,

That you felt vulnerable at work and less than when you were picked over for that promotion and you felt kind of unappreciated and sad,

They will in the future share with others or use it against you in some way.

Remember how you got picked over?

You probably aren't very strong at your job.

So I don't think I'd ask for that promotion.

Yeah.

I think you need to stay put,

Maybe even quit or go find another job.

Because if you felt like you were ready for a promotion,

God forbid,

If you outshine someone like this,

Like you cannot outshine a narcissist or a gaslighter,

No,

No way.

So they're always going to make you,

Cut you down,

Even if it's a little bit to keep you quote unquote,

Less than them or seen as less than them.

So they will never be directly supportive of you.

They're going to play up on your weaknesses and they'll always want you to get to be like one step down,

At least from them,

At least.

They want to stay in the limelight and you're going to be right outside of that limelight.

So those are some things I want you to pay attention to.

If this is you listening to this going,

Oh God,

You know,

This is me.

This is exactly what's going on in my relationship.

The two things again,

To pay attention to in order to figure out if you're in a relationship with a gaslighter,

It would be number one.

You've heard me say it.

Like I said,

Like a hundred times,

Confusion.

If there's one word you take away,

Please note it's confusion and pay attention to every single time that you're in conversation with this person and you feel confused.

Confusion should send up a red flag because here's the thing you guys,

Somebody that loves you in a healthy way,

Does not speak to you and confuse you.

Think about other relationships in your life.

Think relationships that you might term healthy.

Do you feel confused?

Do you walk away saying,

Wait,

What just happened there?

Confusion is a huge red flag and a sign of gaslighting.

Okay.

Healthy people are clear and straightforward and honest with you and they don't need to lie,

Control and manipulate you.

Number two,

Anxiety or tense feelings when you're either near them or know that they're coming over,

Know that they're coming home.

If your body starts reacting in that way,

Just being around this person and you start feeling uncomfortable or any of those signs of anxiety,

Or if you're anticipating like,

Oh gosh,

I'm worried,

Right?

If you feel worry,

It's probably because they're gaslighting you.

Like someone that you're in a healthy relationship with,

You look forward to them coming home.

You look forward to them coming over.

You look forward to getting together with them.

Someone that's gaslighting you is going to create this feeling of anxiety.

It's going to create a feeling of uncomfortableness,

Knots in your stomach.

This is another indicator that you're being abused in some way and if you feel anxious being around them,

Just know what the heck is going on here.

Pay attention to how they're talking to you,

Okay?

So these are some hallmark signs of gaslighting.

Know that this is abusive and there's nothing nice about this,

Like absolutely not.

So the question is,

Is what do I do?

This is me.

What do I do next?

For starters,

You do not beat up on yourself.

You do not feel badly for the choice that you made in having a relationship with this person.

Please do not.

Please do not.

You did not intentionally get into a relationship with someone like this.

You were probably love-bombed or lured into this by a person's charm or again,

Maybe it's your mom,

Maybe it's your dad,

Sister,

Brother,

Maybe it's your daughter-in-law,

Maybe it's your son-in-law.

So sometimes you don't even have a choice in your any relationship with this person,

But if you have a choice,

Right?

I think,

You know what,

We always have a choice because I've worked with a lot of people that had narcissistic,

Unfortunately,

Daughter-in-laws and narcissistic parents or one parent.

Even with those people,

There is a way to know how to have and continue a relationship with these people if you choose that.

Number one,

You got to accept the fact that they are narcissistic or at least a gaslighter.

Okay.

And you learn not to buy into what they're saying.

You just know,

I don't trust what they're saying.

You don't have to tell them because they'll deny it,

Of course,

But you got to know that for yourself.

You got to know what you're getting into.

Don't take things personally,

Let things fly by you,

Spend a little time with them,

Set boundaries for yourself.

What I mean by that is you might not spend all weekend with them.

You might spend a couple hours on a Sunday and that's it.

Okay.

But for sure,

If you are in a relationship with someone like this,

A love relationship,

Someone that you chose,

Please don't beat up on yourself.

Please don't,

Please.

You're not a bad person.

Okay.

You can get out of this and you can make a change.

So the good news is,

Is that,

You know,

Now like,

Wow,

This is gaslighting.

It's not me.

So what you need to work on now is building up your sense of self and your self worth.

Okay.

And you need to learn how to find your own voice and start listening to truth.

So to do that,

You need to find a coach or a therapist or a friend,

Somebody,

Somebody that can help you with reality checks.

Like,

Hey,

This is what happened.

This is what so-and-so said.

This is what me and gaslighter said.

Can you tell me what's real?

And they'll tell you what's real.

Use the information in here that is going to help you feel empowered.

Okay.

Now that you know what to look for,

Now you're ready for it.

You guys,

If this is you,

That's power.

Information is power.

So know that you know what to look for.

So stop buying into it.

Stop buying into that person.

Okay.

But you absolutely need support.

But if someone is gaslighting you,

Stay in your own reality.

Do not challenge them.

Just say,

Thank you for your input and walk away.

Don't engage.

Don't try to say to them,

You're gaslighting me.

That'll cause a giant argument and you'll never win.

You'll never win.

Let it go.

Let it go.

Okay.

It's okay if you're even married to someone like this and you can't leave immediately.

You need to start working on yourself and figuring out what reality is true for you.

Okay.

Those are the big,

Big two first steps.

Self-worth building and getting clear on what's real and what's not real.

What's real and what's gaslighting.

What's true,

What's gaslighting.

Okay.

At some point in the future,

Then you can make a decision about what you want to do next.

But you must build up yourself so you can get clear on your reality before you make your move.

Okay.

That is that for Gaslighting 101.

Once again,

Go find a coach.

Go find a therapist.

You need to be loved up,

My friends,

If this is you that is being gaslit because it does not feel good.

And I know inside it feels like,

Hmm,

I'm not going to say it really,

Really bad.

Let's just say that.

So you are now empowered.

You've got some good tools.

Time to move forward.

All right,

My friends,

I'm sending big love to each and every one of you.

So much gratitude.