Take It Home To The Heart

Many blessings to you.

Has anybody got something very pressing they wish to speak to or ask about?

My name is Laura.

Laura,

Sweet one,

Yeah.

How are you doing?

I'm glad you spoke.

You're speaking,

Where are you?

For you,

Yeah?

Yeah,

Go ahead.

I'm here somewhere.

Yeah,

You are.

You're somewhere.

I don't know what to ask,

But I need help.

I'm in pain.

I'm desperate.

I lived in three facilities over the last two years,

Assisted living.

And when I speak up for myself,

I'm dismissed and ghosted.

And here,

I'm being exploited.

And I just lost my Medicaid,

And I'm scared.

And my attacks,

I have a muscle disease also that's degenerating muscles.

And it's gotten so much worse in the last year.

And so I physically don't have the strength.

And I keep praying for inner strength,

Because I don't.

I'm done.

I can't do this anymore.

Right.

I can feel that.

Yeah.

Right.

I want out.

I want out.

Yeah.

You know,

Sweet one,

Life,

We really get squeezed sometimes.

But you know that it's really important that you don't do anything about that.

That you might want to leave life,

But you know that you're just,

You're just,

You're getting some kind of karmic thing,

Right?

I am.

Yeah.

Oh,

My gosh.

I thought I'm done with my karma.

But I guess not.

Well,

I think this whole thing is a karmic thing.

But I feel like there's a tremendous upside.

I've said this to you many times,

That you wanted to really accelerate.

So you,

Before birth,

You set this up so you could really accelerate and really,

You really actually wanted it to assist you to complete with your cycles.

So that's why you're in it.

I do,

But it's gotten so intense.

I feel like I keep getting pressed down.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know,

Sweetie,

Can you,

Can you just stop fighting everything?

You know?

That's what Alma talks about,

Just acceptance.

And,

But I don't know when it's okay to speak up for yourself.

And when you're being,

I don't want to be a victim,

Like my family.

Yeah.

I'm listening to your video,

Just sleeping feminine and waking up,

And it just hits it right on the head.

You know,

Laura,

My experience of you,

You know,

Where we'd have all those phone calls,

And finally we stopped because you kept getting mad at me when I was trying to assist you to embody your soul.

Yeah.

And I had to stop the phone calls because we just couldn't get past that.

I did get mad because I felt like I was being silenced,

And so much.

I've been silenced.

And I just,

It's,

It's in my gut.

I can't do it.

Sweetie,

You know,

You're in a tsunami of karma.

And you know what Alma says to do when it's just an impossible situation.

She says to just,

You know,

She with the soldiers or whatever she was saying,

Just with the COVID,

It was like,

Everybody should just lie down and surrender.

Just lie down and surrender.

Like,

You're in this tsunami,

And you keep fighting this tiny corner and you keep fighting your corner.

And,

And actually,

I feel like it stops you from getting the big lesson of this big acceptance.

Like,

Just,

It's like,

When you accept the situation,

You'll be able to deal with it.

As you're,

When you fight the situation as you do,

It will always be impossible to deal with it.

You know,

With,

With,

With me and the mess I made in the early years,

I just had to accept that I made a big mess and then get up again and go,

Well,

I'm just going to embody God.

I,

It wouldn't have done me any good to try to fight everything.

To fight the way my family was teaching,

Treating me,

To fight the fact that my husband left me,

You know,

To fight the fact my friend put me in the loomy bin.

It's sort of like,

It's like,

Just,

I had to just pick myself up and want to embody God.

I don't know what to say about,

Sure,

Sometimes we,

We have to speak up.

Sweetie,

And I know you feel incapable of accepting this situation,

Right?

I mean,

You do,

You feel incapable of doing that.

I'm scared.

I'm afraid my family is trying,

They're trying to get me to come home.

And that's the last thing I,

That's the last thing.

Are you sure?

I mean,

I just want to be a little bit like a devil's advocate here.

I mean,

If Medicaid,

If you're,

If Medicaid won't support you anymore,

Maybe there's,

With going back,

There might be a healing time.

Maybe it would give them an opportunity to show how much they love you.

Just think about it.

I'm not saying you should do it.

I'm just wanting you to think about this.

I know you don't even trust this one.

I can feel it.

It's the same feeling I would get during the phone calls,

Where I would just feel that you couldn't trust,

And so you would turn and sort of struggle with me.

I've got the same feeling talking to you now.

I know that you get returned to a very,

Very defended part,

That of you.

It's not personal.

No,

No,

No,

Sweetie pie.

I don't,

I don't,

I don't,

Blessings,

No.

And it's not even your fault.

It's not your fault,

Sweetie.

I can just feel it.

Yeah.

Lost and alone,

And you feel like,

You know,

Like,

Like an animal being threatened,

Really.

Caught in a steel trap.

Caught in a steel trap.

I mean,

Think about going home.

I mean,

Maybe they'd be able to take care of you,

Sweetie,

If your muscles are going and your mind's going.

I don't know.

I'm afraid I'd get bulldozed.

Well,

Sweetie,

I think you can get bulldozed wherever you go.

Okay.

Do you know what I mean?

So just,

Like,

Step back more and observe it all,

And,

And,

And look for the love.

Look for the love.

Like,

You're going to get told what to do because you're sick,

And you're not functioning well.

So people are going to tell you what to do.

I,

Please,

Will you do this?

Will you pray for a change of heart from Amma?

Will you?

Yeah,

You need a change of heart,

Laura.

Pray for it.

And I will put you,

You know,

You're on my prayer list.

So please,

Please,

You need the change of heart.

It isn't anybody else that needs to change.

You do.

You need a change of heart.

Yeah.

And you need to let your God self show you.

And you need to listen to your God self,

Sweetie.

I know you don't like hearing this,

But I mean,

I didn't like having to do this either.

Our egos don't.

I'm so grateful.

I woke up early.

I couldn't wait to talk to you.

Oh,

Sweetie.

Yeah.

I mean,

My heart goes out to you.

It's a tough,

You're in a really tough tsunami,

Sweetie.

You know,

A perfect storm of difficulty.

But it has a beginning,

Middle,

And an end.

You just need to let go and let God more.

Okay?

And we can speak again,

Please.

Okay?

Yeah.

Everybody,

I mean,

Everybody in the satsang will be touched by you,

Sweetie.

You know,

They'll all be sending your love.

Yeah.

Yeah,

You guys.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh,

Sweetie.

I would have to totally keep Amma under the bed if I went home.

They are so hapless and oppressive and dangerous.

Well,

Okay,

But it's all the same thing,

You know.

I think Amma was probably Christ.

And we're all nuts,

You know,

And it's like,

Just let yourself be.

I'm glad you're laughing.

That's good.

We'll just think about it.

We'll speak.

Yeah,

Good.

Yeah.

Okay.

We'll speak again.

Okay.

Michael,

I wanted to ask how you were doing.

Dear one.

I'm feeling sad and feeling like,

You know,

I get into my feelings sometimes,

And then it just disappears.

Feels like it goes poof.

And I'm trying to avoid getting there with my head.

And I'm trying not to do very much.

You know,

It's been over the holidays,

So there was a lot of,

You know,

Activity going on.

So,

It was,

You know,

More difficult to pray.

And,

You know,

Like you said,

There's this really hard shell,

And I know it's there.

But I feel like it's,

I don't know,

I don't know if I can penetrate it.

Okay.

Now,

This is what I really want to say to you.

I want you to really listen.

You know,

Egos are formed on the belief that there is no God,

And that there is no love for the child,

That nobody loves them,

And they have to kind of protect themselves.

And only,

You know,

Only darkness wins,

And you have to be tough.

It's kind of like what egos are formed on.

I want you to realize this,

Michael.

So,

The eyes that you look out of are like that.

And the shell is that.

Now,

You make a big error,

And you persistently make it,

No matter what I say.

And the error is,

You keep trying to use the shell to get out of the shell.

And the shell will just keep you going round in circles.

Yeah,

Spinning your wheels for months,

Which I've said,

I've already said to you.

Okay.

Now,

You know,

What happens,

Michael,

It's going to take real sincerity on your part to get through this.

You're going to have to be really sincere,

Which is why I'm being tougher with you,

Because I really want to make this clear.

Now,

What I said to you about the peaceful presence of your true nature is just factual.

You didn't feel at all,

Because you're in this ego and shell and believing what it says to you.

You keep believing your thought processes.

As long as you do that,

You're just going to spin your wheels.

Now,

You know,

Right where you are is where many spiritual seekers experience a dark night of the soul,

Which is they get a full encounter with the shell.

And as they walk through this,

They start tapping into their divine nature.

Now,

The reason I do this work is to try to help make these difficult spiritual experiences easier.

You know,

To know that you've got to shed some light,

To have a hand reaching out,

That you're not alone.

But the trouble is,

What people tend to do with this is they stay in their shell,

And they keep going round in circles.

And that's why I finally get tough with people.

So I just want you,

You've praised me so much,

Michael,

But I want you to get that what I said to you is true.

What I've been saying to you is true.

Your true nature is peace.

You're believing the shell,

You're playing in the shell,

You're going nowhere.

Any attempt to feel emotion or anything is just the shell,

Working with the shell,

It's just useless.

What you need to do is realize how lost you are,

And just pray.

And then do things,

Do things,

Listen to your heart for the things you should do.

Like whatever it is,

Walk in nature,

Hold a door open,

Whatever it is,

Listen,

Listen for the glimmers.

You know,

Be lost and vulnerable,

And listen to the glimmers out of desperation.

Do you see?

It's like that,

Dear one.

It's a very vulnerable process.

But the main thing is,

I want you to see how you,

You know,

You say how useful I am as a teacher,

But it's stuff that you just don't believe.

Like when I said about your true nature's peace,

You have this,

It is part of your dharma,

It is part of your great gift that you will bring as this shell opens.

Now,

Maybe just in the next hug for mama,

When you get it,

It will open.

You know,

You don't really know when it's going to happen.

It's already occurred,

Mama says,

So you're just going to have to be like a child and walk around.

And you know,

You know,

I wouldn't be surprised if you're not sort of secretly really,

Really mad at me.

And this is the anger of the ego coming up to be cleared.

Yeah.

So,

Witness it.

I feel it.

So,

Witness it.

This is the anger that the ego's been built on,

And your ego's been poked,

And here it is.

Now,

Underneath that,

You're angry at the messenger of love.

See the stupidity of it,

But I understand it.

It's okay.

But underneath that is a great sorrow of being separate.

And you and I,

You will not get along with me until you surrender.

And you've got a very,

Very well-developed kind of pattern and way to be with people,

To get along in the 21st century world.

You're really good.

You're very charming and everything.

It's just not going to work with me,

Man.

I just want the best for you.

I want to help you into your true nature.

I'm trying to give you the biggest gift that a person can get.

And it's very unsettling to the ego.

And you know,

The male energy is being dethroned a bit all over the world.

Mama said 2025 is going to be a time of real suffering for men,

Because this masculine thing is being dethroned in favor of sanity,

Of a balance between the male and female energy.

And you know,

Most males,

They want their throne,

And I get it.

I would too.

It's just that you came to me because you wanted to wake up.

And you're not being a bad boy or anything.

You're just doing what's worked in life,

And you're conditioning and everything.

And as I said,

I have huge respect for anybody,

Especially when we're older.

You know,

When you're a successful professional that you want to wake up,

That's fantastic.

But it's not easy,

And your ego cannot help you do it.

So how do you feel right now?

I feel it's hard for me because I feel I missed the boat.

And I've been doing these things all my life,

Which are,

When I was in them,

There was one side that loved it,

Obviously.

And the other side just said,

This is a waste of time.

So I didn't really want to be a businessman at heart.

And just realizing that,

That I can't change that,

Accepting that.

Yeah.

And that's why,

You know,

Feeling,

Feeling peace.

It just makes me sad.

Oh,

You're not feeling peace yet.

You haven't even got through your ego yet.

Please.

Yeah.

Even this is what I'm wanting to please,

Michael,

Listen.

Yeah.

Yes.

And it's very sorrowful to feel that one's wasted one's life.

I get it.

Right?

And this is good,

And it's good to really feel the sorrow of having been so deluded and for chasing the wrong thing.

And be with it,

And explore it,

And really,

You know,

Write about it,

And really be there.

This is how you will get to the light.

And it's very uncomfortable.

Any spiritual,

Any spiritual seeker goes through it,

Michael.

And my heart goes out to you.

And at the same time,

I'm wary of,

Because you,

You're tricky.

I want you to really take what I say to heart and realize it's just the truth,

Man.

And see how tricky you are.

And pray to Amma for help.

And change.

Let yourself change.

Become more honest.

Become kinder to people.

You know,

I have one son who,

You know,

I love them both,

But there was one son who when he would get sad or have trouble,

He got really nice.

He would be so much easier to live with.

He would be so kind and gentle,

You know.

And so I'd be loving it.

At the same time,

I knew that he was really unhappy.

Yeah,

Sweetie,

You just,

It's just,

You know,

It's,

It's just maybe you're gonna have to walk through,

You know,

A bit of the valley of death,

But walk through it.

So what are you feeling right now?

Or thinking?

You know,

Understanding things intellectually.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yay.

Oh,

This is making me a happy woman.

Good.

Yeah,

That's good.

This is what happens.

You know,

Life rubs this stuff off us.

Yes.

Okay.

Well,

You know,

Just be with it.

And you'll find that as you just go through that gradually you change.

Okay.

And there will be a time where you say to me,

Or what I say to you,

Hey,

Man,

You're in peace.

Do you remember?

Yeah.

Right.

I'll say,

Do you remember those days when you didn't even believe?

And I'll say,

I'll be saying to you,

You did it,

You've done it.

And you know,

I'll be walking with you,

Michael.

But this is,

You know,

The real authentic teacher,

You wanted a real authentic teacher,

You've got one,

You know,

Sorry.

It's sort of like getting on the rollercoaster.

Oh,

Mama,

I didn't realize it was going to be like this.

Yep.

You're very dear.

Okay.

And my prayers are for you.

And I feel you'll get there.

Okay.

I do.

I do.

If you just keep going.

Yeah.

You know,

It's,

It's going to get very busy now.

And I mean,

I've,

You know,

Prayed to Amma to,

So that I can do it,

You know,

Along with everything else that I have to do.

So that seems like a real challenge.

And I think,

You know,

That's,

That's,

I'm feeling very uncertain and insecure about it.

I can't devote much time to it.

Okay,

Michael,

Listen to me.

This is just your head.

Okay.

It's just nonsense.

You're not in control.

Yeah.

Okay.

You're gonna walk through this time.

You know,

You'll be busy.

But I'll tell you,

This process is not going to stop.

This awakening isn't going to stop.

It's not something you can control or put away.

You know,

It's going to really show itself,

Even while you're busy.

This is true reality work.

It's what you're in is a process of true reality.

It's,

It is the boss of things.

Not what you think.

And,

You know,

Once you've started this process,

It,

It's basically impossible to put away unless you step right off the journey.

It is possible right where you are to step right away from the journey.

Okay.

It is.

And but at this point,

It would be so difficult for you if you try to do that would be so difficult to attend satsangs.

You won't want it.

I don't know if you could see that message Veronica sent a message of encouragement.

Yeah.

I just really want to dislodge this that you think that you're in control of your process because you're not.

And it will continue even if you are busy.

Yeah.

And maybe my hope is that you wake up some morning so much in pain that you just pray.

You're not thinking,

Hey,

I haven't got time to pray.

You're just in so much pain that you pray that that is what's likely to happen.

Yeah.

Right.

Dying ego.

It takes,

You know,

It's a hero that goes to walk through it.

My hat off.

Just do your best.

And,

You know,

You can always email me if you got a question.

Okay.

Bless your heart.

I'll get softer with you when you as you get on it more.

Okay.

Bless your heart,

Man.

Okay.

Does anybody else have any courage enough to speak up at this point?

Or is this scared everybody?

I wanted to say something.

Yeah.

Excuse me.

I can relate to a lot of what you're saying there.

Both you and Michael.

I've,

My heart's kind of racing right now.

My palms are sweaty and I feel like,

Nervous about speaking up,

But I feel like I need to just to say that I,

I feel similarly kind of lost.

Um,

But also have been feeling glimmers of,

Uh,

Like,

I,

I know that there's so much grace as well.

And I,

I get little glimmers and,

Um,

Yeah,

I,

I don't really know what I want to want to say,

But I,

Um,

Just feeling open to the love and the help that's,

That's here.

So,

Yeah,

You came on a Saturday.

It's good.

Uh,

You know,

Process.

Yeah,

It's good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know,

Everybody's just scared of themselves.

You know,

She's just scared of your true nature,

Sweet one.

You know,

That's why you're sweaty and heart's racing.

I mean,

Underneath that's what it is.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Many of you,

You know,

You're,

You've learned how to control,

To try to control processes.

And the thing within the journey,

If we try to control it,

We don't get anywhere at all.

You only get anywhere on the journey by being a bit of a fool,

You know,

A fool for God.

Yeah.

For some reason,

I mean,

Women can be so scared of rocking the boat and,

You know,

Really a lot of women just walk around with it.

They're not allowed to be themselves.

They have to just fit into society or fit into their families.

I don't know what to say about it.

It's,

You know,

It's just,

It's contemplating,

Just let things bubble up,

You know.

Yeah.

I feel like sweetie,

You're,

You're half,

You know,

You're terrified of not doing it.

No,

Not waking up and you're terrified of waking up,

You know,

Both kind of,

You know.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So it's just the way it is.

Yeah.

It's just how it is at the moment,

The old acceptance,

You know,

That's how it is at the moment.

Yeah.

One thing you can do is think about,

You know,

Your deathbed.

Yeah.

But sweetie pie,

You know,

I've,

I've overhelped you so much.

So I,

I,

I've said so much when I overhelped you,

You know,

So I kind of don't want to do that.

I don't want to overhelp you anymore.

I think it,

What happened,

It was like you,

You know,

You were really then passive because I was doing far more work than you were.

So I've really stepped back and,

And I'm happy to support you.

Sometimes it's just,

You know,

Support you as far as you want to go.

Sometimes we just have to accept that we're very conflicted and we're conflicted about,

And you could journal about it.

Yeah,

I do.

Yeah,

I know.

You say that to me.

I know,

Actually,

It just reminds me so often,

I would say,

We'll do this and you say,

But I do it and I go,

Okay.

You know,

If you really want to get through this,

It will get solved.

Okay.

The conflict,

If you really give it over to Ama and feel,

You will,

And listen,

You will get an answer.

And sometimes we just have to be with the fact that we're conflicted and,

And accept it.

And that's a spot on the journey.

That's how it is.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I haven't reached your heart.

Yeah.

I haven't reached your heart.

It's okay.

It's really,

I,

Yeah,

I haven't reached your heart.

I,

You know,

We're,

We're masters of our destiny.

It's like,

We're,

We're,

You know,

If you really want something,

You will get it.

Okay.

I promise you,

Whatever you want,

You will,

You will get.

You just have to be clear about what you want.

You know,

The self-compassion again,

You know,

I get it.

Nothing can really be taught,

You know,

But it's,

It's,

It's,

It's,

It's where it's kept where I went was,

Okay,

I,

I'm,

I'm in this loop.

I'm,

I'm unfixable.

The only thing I could do was just kind of have this,

Imagine this wild compassion for this person.

And then I kept imagining it,

Imagining,

And then I felt it in my body one day,

You guys,

To get,

It will happen.

You keep bringing your focus there.

It's compassionate self-compassion for being stuck,

For being conflicted.

I'll tell you,

If you keep doing it,

One day you will feel it in your body,

And you'll go,

I made it through to God,

Because it's your God self.

It's yourself who has compassion for you.

Your ego cannot have compassion for you.

So,

Please really take this home.

If you really focus on self-compassion for being so conflicted,

You will come out of it.

I see you standing in a kind of a dark closet,

Alex.

Not quite a closet,

But it's like you're standing in darkness,

And you're contemplating.

It's like you don't really want to leave right now.

It's very familiar.

But part of you is contemplating,

Really stepping into the light.

And that's what I'd say is just the truth about your state.

And you've been contemplating coming into the light for a long time.

Yeah,

I feel really sick of just the thinking about it.

I feel like,

Can't I just go on already?

I know,

But it's like with Michael,

You can't do it from the shell.

The shell has to break.

The shell has to melt.

And you do this through love.

Okay,

You guys,

I want to call on somebody who had this breakthrough.

Jenna,

Remember how I'd been saying to you,

Nobody else could do it for you.

Come on,

Come on,

Nobody else could do it for you.

And you had this breakthrough where you turned and you kind of accepted that,

But you accepted it in a really soft way,

A really soft,

Loving way.

Okay,

Can you talk about that?

Because everybody needs to hear this.

Hi,

Everybody.

Yeah,

It was just a,

Thank you for,

Thank you,

Pramasutha,

And thank you,

Alex,

And Michael,

And Laura.

It was just a rewording of that phrase,

Which is that I can save myself,

But I'm strong enough.

And,

Yeah,

And what I'm hearing and what I'm feeling right now is that the thing about what it is that you really want,

What I was hearing is that I think our egos really want more reason for us to beat ourselves up.

And you say all the time,

Pramasutha,

That if chastising ourselves or beating ourselves up,

If that worked,

Then we'd all be enlightened.

And something has clicked really recently is that I realize I see that now,

That that's what my ego wants,

Is more evidence to keep badgering ourselves.

And the ego had found a way for even that phrase to be something that I could use to hurt myself,

Right?

Like,

No one else can save you,

But you.

Like,

That was so.

.

.

Right,

Right.

You guys,

That's key.

Do you get that?

That I'm saying nobody else can save you,

But you,

And it gets translated as a hurtful thing.

Like,

Oh,

You're being abandoned.

But it's just the truth.

And I'm getting frantic a little bit,

You guys,

Because some of you I've for years.

And it's kind of like,

Okay,

Could you just get it?

Because Jenna made this shift where she realized that she could save herself,

But she did it through the shift into self-love.

You went soft on yourself,

Jenna.

Right.

And that's what I'm wanting you guys to do.

It's what I had to do.

I went so soft on myself.

Right.

Right.

And Jenna had gone through a really tough time.

And,

You know,

I was being tough with her,

Because again,

It was,

We've been through this,

But she got it.

You see,

You guys,

I can't save I could be serving you honey.

I could be serving you vinegar.

It doesn't matter.

It is your existential choice to turn and greet yourself with love.

Right.

And it's your birthright.

You're entitled to,

You deserve it.

Right.

You are God in human form.

And you see,

When we do this,

The shell cracks,

And we go,

Oh my God,

The light dawns,

And we go,

It was staring me in the face all this time.

I just didn't see it.

It's where the guy talks about the,

You know,

Amazing grace.

He says,

You know,

This fool or wretched person,

What is loved?

Yeah,

You guys,

You're all loved by the divine.

You're just yeah,

You're just exquisite.

And when you when you get it,

When you say this to yourself,

Yes,

I deserve this love,

I am loved.

But it often comes after periods of intensity.

Again,

I had a really intense Christmas.

And I'm getting tougher with you guys,

Because I can be as gentle till the cows come home.

And it's like,

You know,

This is self realizing training.

Sometimes teachers are tough.

In the old days,

They would take,

They had wooden bats,

They'd hit their students with the bat.

I get this.

I get why they did it.

It's true.

It's true.

I think a little more of that would be healthy.

For actually helping people on the journey because life doesn't screw around.

I mean,

Sometimes life is really tough.

And you know,

We have to be able to face those times.

Right,

Okay,

Good.

Good,

Good,

Good,

Good.

Yeah,

Jenna,

I was like,

So happy when you wrote this,

Because you can build on that.

You can build on what that felt like and then notice when you lose it.

And then come back to it.

Yeah.

It's beautiful.

Thanks,

Alex.

Thanks for coming forward.

You're very adorable.

And you've got three little kids,

Man.

So got yourself some slack.

But this light,

You know?

Yeah,

Just don't give yourself a hard time.

Just think about what I said that,

You know,

Maybe the light will be more fun.

And you know,

The other thing Jenna was talking about was,

She listened to her mom and her grandmother.

They were complaining about their pain.

They wanted everybody to know about their pain.

And I'll tell you,

Ladies,

The patriarchal woman has a PhD in pain.

And she loves it.

She's passive about it.

She doesn't try to save herself.

She complains.

She,

You know,

Spews her pain around.

This is what we do.

This is what a woman who is not being true to herself will make other people suffer.

She will.

She won't be able to help it.

She won't.

She won't be able to help it.

It's like unhappy people make other people unhappy.

Happy people help other people to become happy.

Right.

And Jenna,

You saw that really vividly,

Right?

You wrote me this email that you didn't want to be,

What was it you wrote?

You didn't want to be like that.

I don't want to be like that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You want to roar like a lion cub or roar like a lion.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's what Alma says,

Right?

That we're not kittens.

Yeah.

We're not kittens.

Yeah.

Right.

I mean,

I just think,

You know,

We could lose the earth because we're all so scared of coming forward.

It's like fundamentally,

Which is scarier,

You know,

I'd rather come forward.

It's not your ego,

You know,

Coming forward,

Like your ego bossing you around.

It's just you being more real.

That's all we're talking about.

You being more real and honest with yourself.

You know,

That's all.

It's very freeing just to be honest with yourself.

You know,

I remember going to a channel and she said,

Jenna,

If you have no more negative thoughts about yourself for the rest of your life,

It won't be too soon.

It was sort of like she was saying,

I had six lifetimes worth of negative thoughts about myself.

So you guys,

I am a veteran of this kind of self-hatred stuff.

I know all about it.

I know how captivating and everything it is,

But it's just,

It's a waste and we get older.

Yeah.

But the funny thing is,

I'm just,

I'm really just wanting you to make that shift like Jenna did where this,

She was upset with her,

Her mom and her mom's example.

She was feeling like I was being a hard hearted,

Witchy teacher and there was no safety anywhere.

And she turned,

In that,

She turned and shifted into self-love.

That's it.

It's that.

And then if you do it once,

You can return to it.

You can build on it.

You feel it and then you'll again.

And then you work really hard to get that feeling again of self-love.

This is what I'm wanting for you guys.

This is the compassionate way.

You know,

Amma says,

If you can't feel compassion,

You can't be self-realized.

You know,

If you really make that your intent to be soft with yourself,

Compassionate with yourself,

You will.

Some of you are already doing it.

You know,

Anna and I've had so many squabbles,

But when,

You know,

Anna keeps going.

She does.

And we,

We had a satsang here at the ashram and right in Anna's heart,

She,

There was a gold box with,

It's like a shoe box for a child,

For a child's shoes.

So it's like,

She's getting prepared for a more innocent walk.

Yeah.

The walk of her child self,

Like you guys,

We bumble into it.

How are you,

Anna?

Yeah.

Today,

I'm feeling all these feelings of the little girl with the shoes and the shoe box.

This,

These feelings of being helplessly stuck.

I don't know,

I had a very sad afternoon and it's,

I don't know how to explain it.

I felt sort of sore inside my body.

There was a tenderness,

Like pain,

Not a pain,

But it felt very vulnerable and then I fell asleep and 20 minutes before satsang started,

I woke up with a,

Oh my goodness.

And then I rushed down to get a coffee.

And since I came back to my room,

I feel like I'm nearly fainting.

I feel so weak and my heart is like,

I can't feel my heart.

I'm having difficulties to breathe and yeah,

I think it's,

It's all the stuff coming up from our work yesterday.

And yeah.

We're getting,

This is how the child felt.

Okay.

It's just exactly,

You guys,

See,

It's not anything to be fixed.

It's just something that has come up to be actually released.

So Annette is up to her eyeballs in it,

How the child felt and the vulnerability and the feeling like,

You know,

The child has no control.

So the child's there's no nothing they can do.

They're just helpless.

Okay.

This,

You see,

This is what you guys like are scared of feeling.

You see,

After the shell breaks,

This is the kind of thing that happens.

And then yeah,

You just keep turning to Amma.

I mean,

To Amma,

Anna and observing it all.

It's all data and the shortness of breath is again,

It's just will be fear or how the child felt,

You know,

Children learn to breathe shallowly.

Yeah.

Because they're scared to take a deep breath.

They,

They learn,

They can't just be themselves.

So they,

They start controlling how deep their breath goes to actually reduce their vitality.

Do you see what we did as kids?

This is what we did.

They're all tricks to reduce so that we move out of touch with our true natures.

Yes,

Exactly.

This is how it feels.

Yeah.

Right.

So you're just in it.

Mm hmm.

Right.

And it's just like the weather of the day and it will change.

But this is what I went through to come into this knowledge,

You guys.

I mean,

This is what it's like.

I mean,

Maybe you don't want to do it because there's some days that are hard,

But there's some days that are just glorious.

Yeah,

You get very kind of helpless in it.

I could feel the loss of vitality to just be with it.

I mean,

You know,

You've been through this before,

You know,

You know,

The scoop.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just remind yourself you've been through it before and it's all for a good cause.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And read,

You know,

Read poetry or whatever speaks to it.

Do whatever you,

Whatever you can.

Yeah.

Stephanie,

Sweet one.

How are you doing?

Dare I ask?

In turmoil last night.

A lot.

Just in a lot of deep prayer today.

Feeling lost,

Confused.

And really trying to feel self-compassion.

Right.

Sweetie,

That that is your next step.

Nothing is going to get better.

I know.

I know.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well,

Then my heart's at rest.

Because if you know,

It's your next step,

Then that's good.

That's good.

That's your,

You know,

Then you're in the flow.

Yeah.

Right.

And Dhamma will bring you into it.

And then you will understand Pramasutra so much better,

Because you try to understand Pramasutra from more being more contained in the shell.

And you won't,

You guys won't understand Pramasutra where I'm coming from until you actually find this compassion in yourselves.

And then you'll go,

Oh,

My goodness.

She was just saying two plus two equals four.

Yeah,

I know that's I mean,

But it's so it's all good.

It's all good.

She was just trying to teach some very bored preschoolers like her,

You know,

Kids who want to go out for recess two plus two equals four.

Yeah,

That's about it.

That is it,

You guys.

It's like you're very dear though.

Okay.

Stephanie,

I was hoping that that's what you do with this.

So,

Yeah.

Yeah.

And it's just very intense,

Because the need for compassion is very big.

And you're going to see kind of how big a job you're faced with.

Anyway,

You're going to start seeing how big the mountain is.

But when you see how big the mountain is,

You start moving faster.

So it's all good.

Okay,

So it's all good.

You're very dear.

You're very faithful.

You could not be criticized.

None of you guys can be criticized.

I poke you.

But all of you are just adorable.

And,

You know,

Mm hmm.

Okay,

Trilla Chan,

How are you doing?

How am I doing?

First,

It's a remarkable,

Even more than normal,

Remarkable satsang,

Because all the topics I felt are goodness.

I'm in there,

All the questions.

Plus,

The sweating of the hands and the pulse,

The heartbeat.

At the same time,

I felt all goodness.

If I have to speak now,

I'm breathless.

When Jana shared it,

I felt like,

Okay,

Everything is well.

So how I'm feeling,

I mean,

We have been in contact in the last days.

For the others,

I mean,

I'm having one of a very,

Very challenging week with back pain since Sunday.

And on Thursday,

I couldn't resist to go to a chiropractor.

And because you know how it is,

I was in fear of because it was really intense.

And after that,

Even I just want to give a bit of backstory.

So Trilla Chan's getting this really big,

Big,

Heavy,

Heavy pain.

And I said,

Hey,

Man,

This is clearing complex.

You know,

It's just coming up to be cleared.

Like,

Just be with it.

Don't don't race to the hospital or anything.

Just be with it.

Right.

Okay.

So go.

Yeah,

I mean,

New Year's Day,

I couldn't go to the retreat and the German center,

All that.

And I got really fear what if a disc is slipped or something because it was quite intense.

And I walked like an old grandma and all that.

Anyway,

And on Thursday,

At least on second of Jan,

I got the chiropractor two days back and it improved since then tiny little bit.

But the interesting thing is,

He told me it can last a few days until get back to normal because my muscles and all the fascia is,

You know,

Was deformed because the sectrum was quite displaced.

This joint.

Anyway,

But the interesting thing is he told me to stretch every one or two hours later is to open the joint and I open it.

And immediately shortly after that,

It closes again.

It's crazy.

No,

It's not crazy.

It's emotional.

Yeah.

It is obviously it's only,

But so far I never had something like this.

And obviously what you shared with me by email,

The guidance is it hits home.

Obviously,

I'm still trying to fix it.

Yeah.

I'm trying to control it.

Right.

That's the tricky part where I am.

Right.

I mean,

You said before only we can save ourselves and I translate these words into let's do something like a little bit like Michael.

I see myself very often in Michael and let's do something.

You know,

I'm a former business person and,

You know,

Let's do it.

Go to the doctor,

Do this.

I do my stretches and,

You know,

But it won't work at the moment.

And it really the good thing in there is it leads me to occasionally to pray so deep to Amma only occasionally because I'm quite hopeless.

It's a mix of I have hope it gets better.

But because of that hopelessness,

Which is there,

It brings me into deeper prayer towards the path of surrender.

I'm far from being surrendered.

But that's the whole point,

Right?

Yeah,

I guess that's the point.

Yeah,

That is the point.

Yeah,

This is what I'm trying to steer you guys into.

Perfect.

So it's,

It's interesting,

You know,

This mix of hope,

We get through it,

But hopelessness,

Which steers myself towards deeper prayer,

Deeper connection to Amma.

And I really see how my connection with Amma deepens.

And this is fantastic.

This is a victory.

Really?

This is a victory.

This is fantastic.

And everybody will see it,

Sven.

You have really changed.

You've changed.

It's like,

Yeah,

The shell is cracking.

This is awesome,

Man.

And yeah,

Hopelessness comes up.

But then we pray more deeply.

And that's what works.

It's obviously,

I mean,

What is also interesting,

I think we,

I guess we all can relate to that.

When I,

When I am sick in the past,

My former long term partner,

She always said,

Hey,

When you're sick,

You finally become humble.

Like my son,

Yeah.

And I mean,

It's,

It's really what's happening there.

You get more humble because you see,

Hey,

With all my efforts,

And I know the efforts are somehow needed to some level,

But how much do I really put effort and how much can I control and want to fix it?

Just being able to observe it,

As you said,

I'm not yet ready,

Or I hope,

But I did,

I did some things.

And it gives me relief.

Listen,

Just,

Just realize the only thing that's going to work is learning to observe more.

You know,

It's not for you to be totally passive,

But to begin observing the whole thing,

Which is actually what you started doing.

You've started observing better.

You started,

Yeah.

It's yeah,

There's,

I mean,

There's so many,

I could talk for an hour now,

What,

What I realized in the last days,

Mostly mentally still,

But things I felt also I needed a rest.

I had two so intensive years.

And I think maybe my body wanted to tell me,

Hey,

Shut down.

Finally,

Even going to the journey from no shut down.

Yeah.

That's it.

Good.

So,

Um,

Yeah,

Well,

You know,

A premise suit is really pleased to let Chad,

Like,

Cause you're,

You're getting some good feedback that after,

I don't know,

Big yelled out for weeks and weeks and weeks,

You know,

This is great.

This is it.

This is it.

This is fantastic.

I'm sorry.

You're in pain,

But this is a very important clearing.

It's kind of like you're turning a corner and what I'm saying is going to make more and more sense.

And your connection to Amma is going to get bigger and pure and more real,

More real.

Uh-huh.

That's an important word for you.

More real.

It's as if it's never been really real for you in a deep way.

It's going to become very real to you,

Your connection to Amma.

Yeah.

I hope so.

I hope it's getting more and more real.

Yeah,

It is.

I can feel it.

Yeah.

Remember this one just reports on the facts.

Okay.

Well,

I'm really pleased.

That's great.

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

I've got,

I want to move on to Atiba,

Sweet one.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Medal of honor.

Just keep going.

Atiba,

Sweet one.

How are you doing?

Hi,

Prema Sudha.

Just before you called on me,

I knew you would call on me.

Right.

I don't know how I knew it,

But I knew it.

Yeah.

Well,

You were one of the ones that I was,

You know,

Thinking of these days.

So how has it all played out for you?

How did you resolve that situation?

How are you feeling now?

Yeah,

It has really been a turbulent time and it still is.

And I would say I'm sort of in the washing machine of clearance probably,

Clearance of resistance.

Yeah.

And I'm touching on the stubborn child also.

She wants it her way,

So to say.

But for sure,

There is fear and sorrow underneath of this anger and this stubbornness.

And in between,

There are openings and I'm very touched when they happen,

Like small moments of observing happening by themselves or a change in perspective or an opening in the heart.

And most of the time,

I'm still,

Let's say if obstacles come up,

They do not come up all the time.

But when they do,

I find myself in a lot of resistance.

And then it's difficult for me to love myself when I'm in resistance.

Then I tend to have an inner fight with myself.

And I would love to.

Okay,

Stop,

Stop,

Stop,

Stop,

Stop,

Stop,

Stop.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I'm not very comfortable.

There's something amiss.

Like,

I want to say there's a refusal to deepen.

Yeah.

Sweet Latiba.

I could relate very well when you sent me the email before I went on this Christmas trip.

Yeah,

About I don't know how you put,

How you put it,

But it was about the also in Satsang about the spiritual insights on the one hand and the day to day life and the practical and embodiment and so on,

On the other side.

And it is really my experience also.

And,

And I'm feel often I feel like frustrated and,

And helpless and how to really keep on,

You know,

When openings or something happens,

And then afterwards,

I'm back in my vassanas again,

You know,

And I don't feel that you're,

You know,

I feel like you're really refusing to open more deeply.

So it's,

It's,

It's kind of,

It stays a little bit like a non dual format for you.

It's a kind of theoretical thing.

And what you're missing is,

Is just living,

Living,

And being real,

And just being fully a Tiba.

Yes,

I'm afraid.

I'm really afraid.

Yesterday,

I touched on that I'm afraid of being fully open and being seen completely also with the not just with the dark sides,

But also with the strength over the talents to be exposed with all of it.

To be in the light with all of it.

Your head grabs everything.

And the thing is,

You are really seeing actually.

Yeah,

Actually,

Other people see us,

You know,

Even when we think like we think we fool people,

But we don't people know,

People know,

Actually,

They know all about us.

Yeah.

It's like,

I don't know,

Sweetie.

It's like this refusal to deepen.

I just,

I'm just feeling it.

Like,

It's just the truth of things,

Sweetie.

So it's kind of like,

Okay.

That's just how it is.

Yes.

And I'm wondering what the obstacle is,

Or what the main issue is.

What is the,

What the refusal is about?

I know,

And I hesitate to,

You know,

A part of what I think I might do to,

You know,

Maybe I'll move into more silence with you guys,

Because it's the silence within that heals us,

You guys.

It's,

It's the degree that the silence within has been excavated within Premasuddha that actually helps catalyze your growth.

And then within you,

It is your silence within you,

That is actually orchestrating your life,

And putting you through obstacles and,

And also healing you.

But with Atiba,

I feel like you want to talk to me at a level away from silence,

And,

And just kind of in the labyrinth of the head,

And yeah,

Don't want to do that.

How did it resolve about the noise?

Yeah,

So I hoped that the family would have moved,

Moved out when I came back,

But they didn't.

They are still here.

I can't believe it.

I mean,

It's almost three weeks by now.

Okay,

Isn't now,

Isn't that the universe,

You guys?

That's how it goes.

Well,

My heart out to you,

But it is how it goes.

Okay.

And I felt fooled also,

Because they,

When I first met them,

When the family moved in with the neighbor underneath,

They said,

Oh,

They come just,

They just come for some days over Christmas,

And so on,

You know,

And the some days have been three weeks by now,

And Christmas is gone long ago.

So I wouldn't.

And first,

When I noticed it,

I got inside,

I got very,

Very angry,

Very angry.

And I was not happy about myself to be so angry.

And,

And then I needed really a long time to come down.

And then for,

For very short moments,

Something opened in my heart,

And something got lighter and more playful.

But today,

It's more difficult again.

And also,

There's some construction noise.

So the subject is still here,

Being bothered by,

Feeling bothered,

Feeling being bothered by noise,

And having no control,

Wanting to control it and having no control and right,

And fighting inside.

Right.

So that's just how it is right now.

You're faced with this situation that's just,

You know,

Just like the it's,

It's your medicine,

Right?

It's your cod liver oil.

So it's not,

It's not going away.

And here it is.

And you're still in it.

Yes.

Yeah.

And it's just kind of,

Yeah,

The acceptance and kind of like,

Okay,

Alma,

Show me.

Yeah.

And in between,

When I was,

When I first met my sister and her family,

And then I went to Mother Mira.

And there I had some challenges also with the rooms I got,

I did not get the room I reserved,

And so on.

But it's solved in a way.

But there were these moments also with the children's noise,

And so on.

And sometimes,

I just felt just by grace,

I had these short moments of,

How shall I say,

Something stopped in me,

Which wanted to intervene or to say something to ask them to be more quiet or something.

And the moment I did not do that,

I felt I won't do it.

I won't go out and talk to them,

Then it stopped.

You know,

I had this three times.

And I don't know how to how to describe it.

I hope hopefully I could make myself clear.

But I do not really know what happened.

But I had the experience three times also in the train on my journey back.

I was in a quiet,

In a coach where it said quiet zone,

And so on.

And that the children were very noisy.

And I almost stood up to talk to them.

And then I stopped and didn't do it.

And the next moment,

The noise stopped.

It was like a miracle.

And but well,

I think you're on the right track with that.

Seems like I haven't learned the lesson fully.

Because when I'm here in my home,

I have I have to say I still have the issue running.

I don't know.

Yeah,

But sweetie pie,

This is where I'm getting your refusal to deepen.

It's like,

Like fan the flame of that.

That's new data that showed you something.

It's like,

You know,

Get,

Get interested.

You know,

Put your shoulder to the wheel about it.

Getting really interested in getting free from this kind of trial.

There's a,

You know,

There's a guy who self realized,

He said that it started,

He,

He first tapped into silence,

Because he was in a group.

And somebody said something,

He was golfing with friends.

And somebody said something mean to another man.

And he would have normally just rushed in there to defend.

But instead,

He didn't,

He didn't defend.

And he just suddenly felt this peaceful silence.

And then that was the beginning,

You know,

He followed the data,

He paid attention to the data,

Like pay attention to the data,

Stop being,

You know,

Transfixed by,

I don't know,

Criticizing Atiba,

And how she does it wrong,

You know,

Just get interested in the data,

You know.

Yes,

That's right.

What what was new also for me is yesterday that I was so fed up with my old stories.

Because first,

You know,

When I noticed that the family is still here,

My mind wanted to repeat all the past memories about them.

And all of a sudden,

I got so fed up with this old thing.

And I said,

No,

I mean,

I'm just here now.

I'm not interested what happened before Christmas.

Now it's the yesterday was the third of January.

And in this moment,

There is just this noise happening.

And I don't have to add anything to that.

And then that made it much easier.

Good,

Not to put,

Put all the stories and the things and interpretations.

Atiba,

Sweetie,

Next time we talk,

Can we just start at it in the simplicity.

So,

You know,

We just be simple with me next time,

Right?

Because last time we were talking about the struggle with the neighbors.

And when I spoke to you asked you how you were and everything you went,

There was all this conversation,

Everything.

And but then we,

We finally got to how the neighbors were still there.

And then how in the train,

There was noise,

But you didn't fuss and then it stopped.

It's like,

Let's go really simple.

Stay simple with me.

Do you mean that next time I start with the new experiences,

Or what is which way more simple?

Stay with the threads of the heart of everything.

I don't,

I don't think I should explain it.

I think you know,

Exactly.

I think you know,

Exactly.

It's just stay simple with from the students,

Stay,

Stay close to the heart,

You know,

Pick up on what we were talking about last.

Stay simple with me.

Yeah,

Simple,

Childlike.

Right.

You know,

Sometimes you guys I sweat before satsangs.

It's not just you.

It's true.

Yeah,

It's true.

It's like,

You know,

Before getting on the stage,

You know,

Stage fright is a bit of it's good,

Because,

You know,

It's good to be a little nervous or thing.

It's okay,

Because it's just,

You know,

Because your ego knows that there's issues that are going to be cleared.

So your ego feels a little threatened.

It's okay.

You guys are doing very well.

Thank you,

All of you.

And I know,

Laura,

Sweet one,

And lots of prayers for you.

Okay,

Just keep going.

Okay.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's good.

That's progress.

I'm pleased everybody's made progress.

Okay,

And we'll,

We'll continue on tomorrow.

And thank you for hanging out with me coming and staying all this time.

All your dear faces.

Yeah.

And your hearts,

Your dear,

Dear hearts.

Yeah,

All of you.

You're all in my heart.

And I love you all.

And I just,

You know,

I just get pushy to save you.

Like,

To help you out of pain.

Okay.

Okay.

Blessings.

Okay.

Bye,

You guys.