14. Achieving Greatness: Make Your Ego Small & Your Soul Great

Those who have not seriously pursued their development and the diminishment of the ego,

The greater the success,

The more the lack and the pain that they experience.

Often we look at other people and we say,

Okay,

Well what that person has,

You know,

I want.

The danger here is that when you look and you say I want and you're now thinking that what they have and what they've accomplished should be yours,

That's ego.

If you are not going out every day with the consciousness of doing battle with your ego,

You've already lost.

And many of us let our ego dictate our lives,

Giving us a false sense of fulfillment,

Encouragement,

Self-righteousness and even worse,

Control.

Very often a person's at the stage in life where they have invested effort in manifesting a dream,

Manifesting success.

If the creator sees that if they got that success,

Then the ego would go out of control and their soul would be completely lost.

So often blessings are held back from individual because their ego is not ready to receive it.

Welcome to the spiritually hungry podcast episode 14.

We are back with you again speaking about the ego.

As I mentioned in last week's podcast,

It's such an important topic.

It's one that really controls us and rules us and misguides us more than I think any other characteristic feels from us that we have.

So because of that,

We felt that it was necessary and important to devote some more time to talking about it.

And there is a something I was thinking about.

It's one of my favorite stories on this topic.

It wasn't that long ago when we were at a family gathering and a friend of ours approached our son Josh and he asked if he had a message for him.

By the way,

For those who don't know,

Josh is our second son who was born with Down syndrome,

An amazing,

Amazing soul.

So this is something that our friend does often with Josh.

He believes as I do,

As we do,

That Josh's pure uncomplicated heart makes him able to see and feel things that most of us miss.

I think that's one of his most beautiful attributes.

So Josh looked at him and said simply,

You need to make yourself smaller so people can hug you.

Now,

While it's true,

Our friend is very tall.

Josh wasn't speaking to his physical stature or even to his heart.

He was speaking to his ego and bless him,

This man has a very healthy one.

I was struck by the comment and it got me thinking.

I mean,

We were all struck in that moment.

We looked around and we all immediately understood what Josh was saying.

But what I thought is that when we're living our lives from a place of ego,

We're blocking goodness from coming to our lives.

And I don't think that people often look at life in those terms,

Especially when they're feeling sad or upset or disappointed.

The first thought,

Not even the second,

Not even the fifth is,

Oh,

I know why I'm feeling this because my ego is getting the best of me.

That's certainly not where we go.

It's not a natural response to being upset or for questioning why things we want in our lives aren't coming to us.

But think on it for a second.

When you're knowingly or unknowingly feeding your ego,

How huggable are you in those moments?

Not very.

Not only are you not huggable,

You'll probably also don't want anybody to hug you either when you're in the throes.

When you're in that space.

So the Zohar,

Which is the.

.

.

Well,

Just think about the last time you were in a fight with somebody you love,

Right?

And even if that person that say you perhaps came over and said,

Let's hug,

Right?

If you're still upset,

I know my immediate reaction is,

Yeah,

Not now,

Right?

Because we're so meshed with our emotions,

Our anger,

Our feelings.

The Zohar is one of the main coupleistic texts where we draw a lot of the wisdom that we discuss.

Two thousand year old wisdom.

And in this one section,

And Chayeserah explains that the creator delights in those who transcend pride and self-interest,

Raising them in stature,

Whereas he diminishes those who inflate themselves with self-importance and vanity.

Greatness in the world above is attained by behaving with humility and selflessness here in the physical realm.

And there's so many words I love in this verse that if we just,

You know,

Like vanity,

Right?

Self-interest,

Inflation of the ego.

So coupleistically speaking,

He who is small is great.

One of my father's favorite sayings,

We would often repeat that,

It has great secrets and wisdom but on its most basic level.

It makes us understand that to the degree that we diminish our ego,

We are able to be great in all levels of our life.

Great in success,

Great in joy,

Great in fulfillment,

Great in love.

And this is one of my favorite sections in the Zohar as well.

But I want to just make a small point here.

I'm not talking about shrinking,

Right?

Because when you hear it at first and you don't understand it in the spiritual context,

What does it mean?

He who is small is great.

Are we supposed to diminish ourselves?

What does it actually mean to be small?

So we're talking about transcending ego.

Well,

We're all the most familiar with an aggrandized ego.

The flip side is less notable but just as detrimental.

This is the diminished ego.

What many of us think of when we think of being small.

An aggrandized ego wants everyone to respect them.

They want to be the center of attention and want everything their way,

Right?

We're more familiar with this.

But the diminished ego wants to hide,

Shrink and situate themselves and their lives in a way that makes others happy and more comfortable.

Or makes them more comfortable because they're not worried they're going to be embarrassed in any way.

Yeah,

It's playing it safe but there's no such thing,

Right?

So this makes them feel good about themselves.

But basically they're two sides of ego but ego all the same.

And I think this is a very,

Very important point that any time we are putting ourselves in the corner and that's done in many ways,

We are actually acting upon the ego.

Again,

Because the ego says,

It's funny,

Just this morning I was at a place of prayer and they asked me to take part in their prayers.

And usually I'm at our set Kabbalah centers where I'm leading the prayers and with our community everybody I know.

So obviously I'm very comfortable in that situation.

In this place and usually when I find myself in other places of prayer,

I like to sit in the back.

And then when they asked me,

The first thought that came to mind is,

No,

Let me sort of stay in my corner.

And then I said to myself,

Why?

What's the real reason doing this?

The real reason is because you just don't want to be embarrassed,

Right?

They do it differently than you do it and things like that.

Oh really Michael?

I didn't know that.

I'm enjoying the story.

I am now.

But the thought I had is exactly that,

Right?

Because the ego says,

Be safe,

Make yourself small,

Don't have anybody possibly have negative opinions about you.

But I think,

You know,

And again,

And the ego is very smart.

Sometimes it'll take us in one direction,

Sometime to another.

Each one of us has one ego that's stronger than the other.

But I just really want to underscore how important this understanding is.

Anytime we shy away from doing,

Anytime we have a dream and we say,

Oh no,

I shouldn't do it now.

And the real reason,

Again,

There's many different reasons.

Maybe it's the right decision.

I got to wait for something to happen.

But often it's the ego saying,

No,

If you do this,

I might get diminished.

You might get hurt.

People might find out that you're not as good in this or that.

And it is so important to push through that.

I see this a lot with kids too.

I see this with our youngest.

You know,

If she gets hurt by something,

An example of a diminished ego is,

Oh,

So I don't want it.

It's fine.

No.

And then she makes herself really small.

But that is so clear the ego nonetheless.

Absolutely.

And again,

Because the spiritual view is never diminishment of me,

Me,

My soul,

My goodness,

My potential.

It's actually the exact opposite of that.

It's about pushing towards even greater manifestation,

Greater doing,

Greater part in this world.

But that is coming from my soul,

Not the part that cares what everybody's going to think of me,

But the part of me that says I have goodness to give to others.

I have wisdom to give to others.

Well,

This is actually interesting because we did get a question that relates to what we're saying.

The question was,

How do you know when it's your soul calling you to do something or the voice of the ego?

Because we keep telling all of our listeners how tricky the ego is.

Basically,

I think the answer is simpler than you might think.

If it's our soul desire,

There's some aspect of wanting good for other people.

If it's only good for yourself,

Then the desire comes from the ego.

So that's a really basic way to differentiate.

And again,

What you said is so important.

Let's use an example,

Right?

If you want to do something,

Everybody has a dream,

Right?

And I think one of the reasons our world does not have as much light as it has and has as much darkness is because not enough people are pushing themselves towards their dreams.

But let's use an example of an artist.

It could be a singer,

It can be a painter.

They have a dream because they were born with a gift,

The creator gave them a gift to sing,

To paint.

Why do they want to manifest that?

Now,

If they go about living their dream by saying,

I want the whole world to know how amazing,

I want to become famous.

And we've had these conversations even with our kids sometimes.

Well,

That's not a good way to pursue your dream.

You do have the potential to be an amazing singer,

And you were actually born to manifest that beautiful art.

But if your driving force is the ego,

Which would mean I'm going to manifest this potential that I had,

This gift that I have,

So that everybody says amazing or thinks amazing things,

So that I am basically famous,

Then it's possible,

By the way,

That you will fulfill that dream,

But that dream will not bring you fulfillment.

We have this conversation with our oldest son all the time,

You know,

About making money.

A lot of people make money,

Not everybody,

But a lot of people do.

The question,

Of course,

Isn't,

And we often.

.

.

Well,

Let's just share with,

For our oldest,

He really enjoys the idea of money.

That is a motivator for him.

Right,

And he's in his last year of university,

And he's thinking about his future,

And he wants to make money,

He wants to be successful.

All very positive desires,

And you want to foster that in your children.

But the point that we keep talking about is this.

If you make money and you are not developing yourself spiritually,

You could be successful making money.

You will not be happy.

That is absolutely true.

We have seen in our lifetime many people who are very successful in many areas of life in the arts,

In business,

Those who have not seriously pursued their development and the diminishment of the ego,

It is almost a reverse reaction.

The greater the success,

The more the lack and the pain that they experience.

And therefore,

To your point,

Monica,

This questioning,

This internal questioning,

Not that leads me to a diminishment of my desire or even a diminishment of my manifestation of my dream,

But manifesting it in the right way.

Well,

This is so interesting because we have this conversation,

Just the two of us,

Right?

I'm often,

You know,

I have,

I think,

A healthy desire.

I think you do too.

I think desire is so incredibly important.

It's actually how you know you're alive,

Right?

As soon as you lose desire,

That's when you start to,

And your desire starts to wane,

That's when you actually start to get more frail and weak and age,

I believe.

So I often check in with myself.

Is what you're setting out to do,

What you're passionate about,

What you desire,

Where is it coming from?

And I,

Because I know how tricky the ego is.

So I have this conversation with myself weekly and especially when I'm feeling really,

Really excited about something I want to manifest and pursue,

I then seriously sit down with myself and then I welcome you in the conversation of,

Okay,

I really feel like it's coming from my soul because X,

Y,

And Z.

And I think a big way to kind of decide that is,

And I see this a lot among women,

Often we look at other people and we say,

Okay,

Well,

What that person has,

You know,

I want.

The danger here is that when you look and you say,

I want,

And you're now thinking that what they have and what they've accomplished should be yours,

That's ego.

If you're able to look at another person and say,

Wow,

I love what she,

He's done.

I feel so inspired and I want to find my own voice and my own purpose and reveal that light and that energy and that information in the world.

And you consciously know and feel that there's enough room for everybody.

Everybody has their own unique gift.

Everybody has their own greatness.

I think that's a real great indication and way of knowing,

You know,

Is this from my soul or is this from my ego?

It's very true.

And it reminded me also of something I think we might've touched upon before,

Which is the understanding that what your soul came into this world to do,

What my soul came into this world to do,

What any,

Every single one of our listeners' souls came into this world to do cannot be accomplished by anybody else.

And that's confusing,

Quite honestly.

I remember when I really started to write and put my thought down on paper and,

You know,

Once you put words out there,

They're out there,

Right?

So that's kind of scary.

I remember thinking at the time when I decided that I really had something that I wanted to share with the world that I wanted to say,

Then my ego,

My diminished ego,

By the way,

Kicked in and said,

Well,

You know what?

There's other authors out there.

There's other speakers.

Why do you think that you're going to be different?

And a dear friend of mine said,

Monica,

She's like,

You know what?

All the chefs,

They work with the same ingredients.

If you're going to make a salad,

You have the same ingredients.

It's what you do with it that makes it unique,

Right?

You and I can each have lettuce,

Tomatoes,

Radishes,

Cucumbers.

I don't like tomatoes.

But if we both had the same ingredients,

I can guarantee you the salad you would make and the one that I would make would be completely different.

Yours probably better.

Probably.

But that wasn't my ego.

But do you know what I'm saying?

I think that that is,

And that is,

That is an example of the diminished ego because you don't even realize it.

And then you can just give up on your dreams without even trying.

Absolutely.

And I think,

Again,

Like you said,

That's such an important internal questioning that we should have.

And I would add,

Right,

Because the question was,

How do I know if the message that I'm getting is coming from my ego,

Coming from my soul,

From my real self?

So I think the point is,

There's a concept that the Kabbalists speak about.

This needs to be done.

So for instance,

I'll give an example,

And I hope it's not too lofty for some of our listeners,

But there was a great Kabbalist,

Rabud Aslaug.

And a few days before he left this physical world,

He had trouble breathing,

He had an oxygen mask on,

And one of his students was next to him,

Attending to him.

And a day before he left this world,

He was moving his mouth,

He was talking.

And his student came over because of course he wanted to hear,

You know,

These were going to be some of his last words,

Teachings in this world.

He took off the mask off his mouth because he wanted to hear what he was saying.

And his teacher turned to him and said,

Put the mask back on.

This is not for you to hear.

This needs to be revealed in the world.

And I think that's a very beautiful way to really encourage our soul's revelation of itself away from the ego,

Which means I,

For instance,

I'll use myself as an example,

I know that my soul's purpose is to reveal wisdom to people.

And that's why I spend most,

If not all of my day in that pursuit,

Whether it's through teaching or through writing and otherwise.

In truth,

I'm at a place where it doesn't really matter to me,

And I hope this comes out right,

What the people who are listening actually think.

And,

You know,

Obviously it's encouraging to hear people say,

You know,

Your words really moved me or your words,

You know,

Brought me inspiration.

I do draw great support from that.

But at the end of the day,

What drives me is that I believe my soul needs to do this in the world.

And it's not based upon what others will say about it.

For instance,

I'll use my example,

You know,

We spoke a few podcasts ago about my parents.

They did what they felt their souls came to do,

And they were going to pursue it no matter what,

Even though in the first number,

First 10 years,

It was nothing but aggravation and one would say lack of success.

And I think,

To again,

Go back to the question,

How do you know if it's coming from your soul?

If you feel that internal drive,

I just have to do this.

I have to develop my singing.

I have to develop my art,

Or I have to develop my writing skills.

I have to write a book.

And when you do those things,

That's when you feel actually most alive.

I know when I'm doing what I'm meant to do,

What my soul came to do,

I feel almost out of body and I feel transcendent to a different realm.

It's not about me,

Monica.

It's not me and my physical body.

It's just energy.

Right.

And although you desire and hope that millions of people get to read it,

Get to listen to it,

The truth is in that moment,

You're feeling connected to the light of the Creator revealing your soul.

Right.

You're not,

Right,

Correct me if I'm wrong,

You're not in that moment thinking,

Oh,

Wow,

I,

You know,

How many people… There's not one external thought.

Exactly.

Not one.

And again,

None of us are perfect.

And I'm sure once it's written and then it goes out into the world,

You're hoping not 50,

000 people read a hundred,

Whatever that number is.

But I think a very powerful indication for all of our listeners is that there's something or maybe a few things in your life,

Maybe you're not pursuing them right now,

But that when you're in the midst of that doing,

You feel a connection to call it the light of the Creator,

Call it to your most beautiful,

Pure internal self that's coming from your soul and definitely pursue that.

But again,

Just back to what I said before,

The ego is going to try to come in.

And I know this about myself and I'm sure you know this about yourself.

Even though I spend so much of my day in spiritual pursuit,

Both personal and in giving it out to people,

Nobody's immune from the ego coming in.

And therefore that internal dialogue,

Okay,

I know where I was yesterday,

Where am I today?

What is my real motivation?

What's driving me?

How hurt I am?

Am I by people?

This battle with the ego is a constant,

Even if you're pursuing and listening to your soul and manifesting really the best parts of yourself.

It really is.

It comes down to a daily conversation.

I mean,

At the minimum,

A weekly conversation that you have with yourself of,

Wait a second.

And it's not because I think that again,

People think,

Okay,

My ego came out in a meeting that I didn't,

Something didn't go my way or in an argument with my partner or my sister or the parking attendant or whatever it is,

Right?

It's in those reactive moments that you can't ignore the ego because it's created such a reaction,

Right?

Anger,

There's some kind of obvious thing.

The trickier ego is the one that goes quietly through your day,

Guiding you kind of like a snake going around,

Gliding around,

And you almost don't know it's there,

But then suddenly something doesn't feel quite right.

It's up to you to check it and to call it out.

And if you're not,

Then that's why the snake is a great example,

Right?

It's very stealth and you know,

Unfortunately often once it's bitten,

It's too late.

And I think,

You know,

And this is a very fundamental and this is why we're dedicated to podcasts and I'm sure in the future,

Probably many more,

This is the most important battle of our lives and it's the most important battle for our lives.

And you reminded me of a story that again,

I think very much illustrates why this battle and it's literally a battle and the sages throughout history have called it a battle.

And they would say,

If you are not going out every day with the consciousness of doing battle with your ego,

You've already lost that battle,

At least for that day.

And there's a great Italian Kabbalists,

Ramosh HaChaim Luzzatto,

And he says in this regard that in our world we're all blind,

But some people know that they're blind and some people do not know that they're blind.

And he uses in a parable to explain,

He says,

If you know that you're blind,

You walk gingerly carefully through life.

If you are blind,

But don't know that you're blind,

You just go walk straight and you're going to be falling into holes and heating into walls.

And therefore I think the consciousness you want to have around the ego is I'm blind to my ego.

And the only way I win this battle and ultimately be happy and fulfilled is by being aware of the fact that I have to have the lookout all the time.

Where's my ego coming in?

What I'm doing?

How much of that is coming from my ego?

How much is coming from my soul?

And again,

As I said,

It reminded me of a story,

Which I think also illuminates the gravity and the importance of this battle.

So there was a great Kabbalist,

His name was the Baal Shem Tov,

And he came into a town and of course he was well known and everybody in town who was anybody wanted the Baal Shem Tov to stay in their house to be their guest.

And there were two people in town.

One was known as a very righteous individual.

And there was one other individual in town who was known as the worst guy in town,

Like negative,

Negative actions,

And so on.

And his students asked him,

These two people have invited you to their home,

Whose home do you want to stay at?

He says,

I want to go to the negative guy's house.

And everybody in town is like asking,

Questioning,

Why would this great spiritual teacher,

Why would he choose to go to the house of somebody who we all see as a negative person,

Rather than going to the house of the person that we all accept as being a very righteous spiritual person?

And they asked him,

They asked the master,

The Baal Shem Tov,

Why have you chosen to go to this man's house?

And he says,

You know,

There's a concept.

It says that the light of the Creator resides within everybody,

Even when a person is in the darkest place.

The light of the Creator is there.

There's only one place,

It says,

That the light of the Creator does not enter.

It says that when a person has an over-exaggerated ego,

The light of the Creator says,

I and him cannot reside in the same place.

So the Baal Shem Tov said,

If the light of the Creator can't be,

This person,

You're right,

He does a lot of very good things,

And you all see him as righteous,

But he has a very,

Very exaggerated ego.

If the light of the Creator cannot rest with him,

I cannot stay in his house.

This other guy,

You're right,

He's not positive all the time,

He does a lot of really dark things,

But at the end of the day,

The light of the Creator is there as well.

And I think for all of us,

This is really the overarching idea.

Any one of us,

We all fall,

We do negative things,

The light of the Creator is there with us.

There's only one trait and one way of expression that precludes the light of the Creator from being there.

And that's when we are in a state of exaggerated ego,

And certainly when we are acting with that ego.

Exactly.

And that goes back to spiritual smallness that Josh and the Zohar refer to,

Right,

Is something that if we want to achieve,

It's about switching our perspective from what we're getting to what we're giving,

Right?

If you just are able to realign your consciousness weekly and ask yourself that question,

Where is my ego coming in?

You're actually going to be able to detect it more often than not.

It means to live with an open hand,

To dedicate ourselves to sharing for the sake of sharing,

And to turn our gaze from what we're acquiring in our physical life to how we're transforming in our spiritual life.

Beautiful.

And I want to go back,

I want to unpack a little bit the first thing you said,

Which I think is so important and something we often speak about.

Every one of us gives,

Every one of us gives.

But you know that there are people,

And sometimes even ourselves,

Who give with an open hand?

Now there are those who give even when they give with a closed hand.

And what's the thinking?

Sometimes we do things without thinking,

But what's the reality?

The reality is that when you,

Your ego has convinced you that you are the owner of all things,

That your genius and brains and work has earned you everything and that it is now yours,

Then of course you'll be very miserly in giving it out.

It's all yours.

I think there's also an aspect of judgment that comes in if you think the person.

Right.

I deserve,

He doesn't.

And he doesn't,

Right?

Or I worked really hard and he didn't.

Or you know,

I don't think that person is worth worthy of receiving.

Absolutely.

But all that is all ego.

I know,

I'm just,

Because we get confused,

Right?

I mean,

Especially when we judge another person,

We wouldn't necessarily recognize it.

If ego,

That's like,

I'm right.

I think we should,

We should go there next.

The idea of judgment,

Right?

Any time you are in judgment on another person,

That's pure ego.

We'll hopefully touch upon that soon.

But I just want to go back because I think this is such an important trait that I know that I,

And I know Monica,

We talk about this a lot and it's something we really want to make sure that we are focused on and we develop this idea of giving with an open hand,

With an open heart.

Because all other types of giving,

Although they're good,

They are still attached to the ego.

And I think it's important to catch ourselves when we're sharing,

When we're giving,

When we feel our hand closing,

We feel our heart closing,

To know that that is an influence of the ego.

Because when you understand that,

Yes,

It's true,

I am smart,

I am successful,

I've done all these things and I've earned,

But the reality is that so much of this is also a gift from the creator.

But I think sometimes people get changed when,

Especially when they achieve great heights of success.

Absolutely.

It's easier to fall prey to the ego.

There's that story about how even among the street sweepers,

There's always one who has an ego about the fact that he is the best broom,

Right?

It can be in any,

On any level,

Right?

It doesn't matter if you're sweeping the street or if you're the CEO of a company.

And of course,

If you,

I think,

Reach success and fame quickly,

Also if you're very young,

I mean,

There's other things that help the ego move along more quickly and rapidly.

And from that,

It's easy then to judge and say,

Well,

Look where I am at and you're not.

Right.

And the Talmud actually says that both wealth and lack are tests,

But the test of wealth is greater than the test of lack.

So the reality,

Like you said,

Everybody has ego,

But unfortunately with success often comes ego.

And like we said before,

What happens is,

Is that it changes you.

That only changes you.

It steals from you.

It takes away the amount of fulfillment you can receive from that success.

And again,

We've seen this as well with,

With certain people.

But it's an interesting,

One thing that we also share with our children and it's important for all of our listeners to think about it,

Is that very often a person's at the stage in life where they have invested effort in manifesting a dream,

Manifesting success,

But the creator sees that if they got that success,

Then the ego would go out of control and their soul would be completely lost.

So often,

Blessings are held back from an individual because their ego is not ready to receive it.

And that's why it's so important really to.

.

.

To tame the ego.

All the time.

So you can,

It's so interesting that,

Because we've actually never talked about this specifically.

And I think that as I've had this thought about myself,

I think that when sometimes people are afraid of success,

As much as we want it,

We fear it.

And I don't think I ever realized until this moment,

Maybe it's our soul actually that will know what we're capable of handling.

And so some way it's trying to protect us.

But if you can organize this and understand it,

Then you can actually move past it and receive all the blessings waiting for you.

That's so profound and powerful.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

And it reminds me again of another great Kabbalistic teaching where Kabbalists saw a man coming back from battle that he had won.

And he turns to the soldier,

To the general.

He was a general who had just won a great battle.

And he says,

You have now left the small battle and entering into the great battle,

Meaning that the battle on the battlefield,

Although it would took a tremendous amount of effort and the success is enviable,

The reality is now the ego is going to start taking you.

And that's a much greater battle than any physical battle on the battlefield.

We were talking about judgment,

Right?

The ego can be tricky also because it's disguised as self-righteousness or discernment.

I would have to say one of the things,

And again,

This is really a lesson I learned from my mother,

But also I hope to be developing the,

And again,

We all fall to this,

Right?

Just to be clear to all of our listeners,

None of us are.

.

.

I mean,

We have big smiles.

Nobody can see us right now,

But we're smiling because as we're saying this,

I mean,

I've thought of like 10 things that I've done in the last month.

Self-righteousness,

Judgment towards other people.

There are a few things that are as unappealing.

I would use harsher words,

Right?

Yeah.

But we all falter.

And we can learn to detect its presence and minimize its influence.

That's the whole point here,

Right?

It does remind me of this story actually that I mentioned in my book,

Rethink Love,

And it's about General George Washington.

It happened on December 25th,

1776.

This is how long the ego's been at play forever as soon as we each come into this world.

So he crosses the icy Delaware River and he's leading his troops towards Trenton,

New Jersey,

Where there's Hessian soldiers celebrating Christmas.

They let their guard down,

Confident that the beleaguered Continental Army posed no immediate threat.

So during the Christmas celebration,

A spy gave Johan Rall,

The officer in charge of the Hessians,

A note revealing that General Washington was much closer than they know.

Lulled by a false sense of security,

Rall tucked the note in his pocket and continued with the holiday merriment.

Later that night,

His forces were attacked and decisively defeated.

When Colonel Rall was killed retreating from battle,

The note was found unopened in his coat pocket.

So this story is an example of the way the ego deceives us.

Egos are infamous for convincing us that we know the truth,

That we are headed in the right direction,

And that we don't need anyone's help.

And many of us let our ego dictate our lives,

Giving us a false sense of fulfillment,

Encouragement,

Self-righteousness,

And even worse,

Control.

But ego can't bring you closer to others.

Ego supports a feeling of superiority,

Which creates disconnection.

And I think one of our biggest problems in life,

But also in relationships,

Is that we're so sure we know what we know.

I mean,

How many petty arguments began with one partner knowing something and will inevitably continue because the other partner knows the opposite,

Right?

We know how,

What,

When,

Why,

And where things are supposed to happen.

Thank you for that story,

Monica.

I think I've heard it from you before,

But I'm happy you reminded me.

I forgot it.

But I mean,

It's a beautiful- I never opened it.

It's a beautiful example.

But what's interesting,

What's interesting,

And you reminded me something that really left a great mark on myself,

That here we see a military lack of decision,

Right?

Based on an ego of self-exaggeration,

Right?

So he thought that they were so strong,

He had nothing to worry about,

And therefore he talked.

There's another side to that,

Because I think it's always important to realize that there's the ego plays will come on both sides,

Either make you feel you are great or on the other hand,

And this is something that I remember if you haven't seen,

And I'm a little reticent to recommend this documentary because it's very long and not everybody likes to watch long historical documentaries,

But Ken Burns recently did a Vietnam documentary.

It's multi-part.

It's very long,

But I very much enjoy history,

So I watched it.

I really,

Really enjoyed it,

And many enjoyed it.

Yes,

He watched this one by himself.

But the one thing,

And again,

This was not a spiritual documentary.

This is just about the history,

The long and unfortunate and deathly history of the Vietnam War,

And the one through line throughout this documentary,

And it was repeated by military officers,

By people at the Pentagon,

People throughout government,

That at a certain point they all knew that the United States was not going to win this war,

And they knew that unless they did something drastic right then,

Thousands and thousands of more people were going to die.

And then of course the question is,

Well,

If you know that this is an unwinnable war,

And you know that if you don't do something drastic to stop it,

More people are going to die,

Why don't you just stop it?

Why don't you do whatever it takes?

And they give this answer,

And again,

This is ego.

Nobody wanted to be the one.

Yeah,

Absolutely.

And this is said time and time again in the Ken Burns documentary.

Nobody wanted to say we were wrong.

And if you need an example about the power of the other side of the ego,

Right,

The ego that knows already that it's made a mistake,

But is willing to have thousands of people die just so that nobody says,

Oh,

You made a mistake.

It's your fault.

Again,

I was literally blown away by that documentary,

Again,

Like I said,

For many reasons,

But also maybe most importantly for this lesson.

And let's all now,

None of us are right,

Most of us,

I believe,

Our listeners are not running a war where their decision not to show that they were wrong will cause thousands to die.

But every single one of us will have an opportunity this week or this month in a situation where we know we're already wrong.

But the ego is going to say,

No,

Don't admit it.

No,

Don't take a step back.

You got to keep me propped up.

If you need an example of how not only dangerous,

But on the other hand,

How silly,

How silly the ego causes us to behave.

And therefore,

You can look at your relationships.

You could look at,

You know,

One of the people I think I've quoted before,

Ray Dalio is a relatively well-known investor.

I was listening to a podcast where he was talking about business decisions and he was saying clearly that one of the things that he makes sure is that ego is not involved because it makes no sense to be listening to your ego when you're trying to make a logical,

Positive decision.

And again,

So as I said,

Whether in business,

Whether it's in relationships,

You got to be able to detect it,

Have to be thinking about it all the time,

All the time,

Have to be thinking about it and finding it and really uprooting it when you find it.

Like that example I gave,

I think in a few weeks ago,

Where when we first had our first child,

David,

I would often ask you,

You know,

Am I a good mother?

Like,

You know,

I don't want to damage the soul.

He was given to us.

And I really worried about that,

That somehow I wouldn't raise him in the best way.

It was so important for me to know that I was doing right by him.

And you said to me,

And this is now like 20 years ago.

You said,

Monica,

You know how you're a good mother,

Because you keep asking the question if you're a good mother.

And that really stuck with me,

Not just in the context parenting,

But in everything,

Like,

How do you know that you are really truly a spiritual person?

Or you're asking me.

.

.

How do you know you're a good spouse?

How do you know you're a good.

.

.

You can fill in that sentence with any word you want.

But that is the way to do it,

Right?

If you're constantly asking the question,

It means you're devoting time,

Energy,

Thought to becoming better.

That's beautiful.

So actually,

I think this is a good point to ask all of our listeners right now,

To stop for a moment and ask yourself the question,

When was the last time you caught your ego?

When was the last time you did something,

Said something,

Even thought something,

And stopped and realized,

Oh,

Wow,

That's not coming from me.

That's coming from my ego.

And then the second part,

Which is so beautiful as well is,

When was the last time you asked yourself if you're a good husband,

If you're a good wife?

Not that your wife is pointing out or your husband is pointing out,

You're not doing this,

But yourself,

Right?

Because the ego says,

Don't change.

There's that famous,

Right?

I love you just the way you are.

By the way,

That's a beautiful sentiment and I think it's important to have.

But when you're looking inside,

You want to be saying,

How do I become a better husband?

How do I become a better wife?

How do I become a better boss?

How do I become a better employee?

How do I become a better spiritual person?

It's interesting.

I think that oftentimes people get so stuck in their issues,

Their problems,

Their pain,

Their lack,

That they're just so busy in their head.

They don't take the time to actually ask,

How can I do more for somebody else?

How can I be better?

A shortcut that I take,

I love wearing hats and t-shirts that say things.

And today I'm wearing this t-shirt that says kindness is free.

And I actually had the thought before I left the house this morning,

I'm like,

You're wearing your kindness t-shirt.

You're going to be extra kind today,

Right?

Because you can't walk around being like a jerk and it's like,

I like your shirt.

And then,

Right.

Can you imagine that would be an interesting experiment.

It would be a Seinfeld episode.

But I often do that because I keep setting myself up to succeed in diminishing the ego.

And these are little ways to do it.

We all need reminders.

I mean,

I need to wear them on my head and my chest apparently,

But it does work.

I'm so happy you reminded me of something right now.

This is going to be a surprise for Monica and a surprise for our listeners.

And if this goes well.

.

.

A present for me?

Well,

Not quite a present for me.

Maybe a present for our listeners.

But I had this idea as I was preparing for this podcast.

And please,

Our listeners,

Let us know if you enjoy this and we'll do this more and more often.

I thought that it would be really nice.

.

.

Let's see if I enjoy it.

Yes.

That we'll see if we'll do it more often.

And in every episode,

You ask me a question that I'm not prepared for and neither you're prepared for.

And I would ask you a question that you're not prepared for.

Well,

Since this is your idea,

Clearly you're the only one who's prepared.

Well,

I'm not prepared.

So I'll tell you what happened.

So I said,

So this is my question to you.

Tell me a time that your ego was diminished,

That you were embarrassed.

Just by the way,

As I was preparing for this,

I said,

You know,

Okay,

So I shouldn't think of one either.

So I'm as surprised as you.

So I haven't thought of one just right now.

About my ego or your ego?

No,

No,

My ego.

So.

.

.

Oh,

The pressure.

Let me think for a second.

I'll be thinking too.

By the way,

Our listeners,

While we're thinking,

You can be thinking of some and maybe email us those stories.

We could share them with the rest of our listeners next podcast.

I mean,

I don't know,

Because I was just telling a friend the story on Sunday.

So maybe it's just fresh in my head.

But honestly,

That's,

I mean,

I like these pop quiz questions.

That's so great.

However,

I would really like,

It's such an important question.

I'd like to be able to give it some more time to give you a really juicy one.

But this is one time and I really learned a lesson from it.

I was always chronically late.

Do you like this story?

Because you heard me say it on Sunday.

Yeah,

No,

No,

No,

I like it.

Yeah.

Actually,

I think it's a great thing.

It's really important.

And also,

It's somewhat uncomfortable for me to actually say I was like this.

So my ego is going to get bashed twice.

Yeah,

Points for me.

And I'll tell this to our listeners now.

When Monica told the story on Sunday to some of our friends,

I totally forgot the story of my desk.

No,

Because it really,

Really impacted me.

So we were set to have dinner with friends.

And we weren't great friends,

But certainly they're part of our community.

And I cared what they thought.

And so anyway,

We were supposed to go to dinner and I was running really late.

And when I say really late,

I mean really,

Really late.

And that's like really late.

Okay.

And yes.

How late were you?

Really late.

I can't,

That part,

I don't even know if I'm going to go there.

I mean really late.

How late was your.

.

.

Because you kept moving the time also.

Oh,

No.

It was bad.

It was so bad.

Like an hour?

Something like that.

I'm sorry.

So,

And okay,

Here's where I'm going to justify my story.

I'm going to justify myself.

And honestly,

This is a long time ago.

This is literally like 17 years ago,

15,

17 years ago.

And my mom was always late.

So in my head,

Like,

Oh,

So she taught me to be late.

Of course,

All the lame excuses that your ego makes to make it okay to behave badly.

So this particular night we were leaving the country for two or three weeks.

I needed to hire somebody to fill the position.

It couldn't wait till I got back.

So I was running in abuse and they were running late.

We were running late.

And so in my mind,

It was justified that I was late because this is really important work I was doing that had to be done before we left town.

We finally get to the restaurant and guess what?

They left.

Oh my God.

I remember walking in,

You were livid by the way.

I love that you don't remember the story.

You were really upset at me.

Really?

I'm such a spiritual person.

I never get angry.

You were upset.

And that's the thing.

You're hardly ever upset.

You were really upset.

And then not just that,

You completely put it on me.

Like these are your feelings.

You know,

This was because of you.

But I turned red in the face.

I was so embarrassed.

And of course I apologized.

I called,

I told them why.

And I said,

It's no excuse.

And in that moment I realized so completely and fully,

I could smell my ego.

I could taste it.

I could feel it.

And I said to myself,

I said,

Monica,

I don't care what you're doing ever in life.

Your time is not more important than anybody else's time period.

I don't care what it is you're doing.

And that was it.

I held myself accountable to that day.

I really have never been,

I've certainly never been late like that.

I'm usually a little bit earlier and I set my watch 10 minutes early because I realized that my brain needs a signal to say,

Okay,

You have to be somewhere at three,

Let's say.

And when I see two 50,

Which is really two 40 on my watch,

I'm like,

Oh my God,

I got to go.

Right.

I needed that like 10 minute warning and,

And it works for me.

But that was like,

Oh my God,

I felt so bad.

That's a very good story because it was ugly.

It wasn't even,

I felt so bad.

I was late.

And I was like,

How could you be that late?

Like,

How could you actually think this is okay on any level for any minute about anything?

Like no way.

That's very funny.

Wait,

What did we do that night?

Did we stay and have dinner?

We just went home packed,

We had an early flight and I just,

I was,

All right.

Thank you for sharing that one.

So it's fun to ask you.

I like this because I didn't plan on talking about that.

There you go.

It's not a bad idea.

So I'd say when I,

Like I said,

I did not prepare.

I didn't ask you a question.

No,

It's the same question.

I know.

So you did think about it.

No,

I thought about the question,

Not about the story.

And as you were talking,

I was thinking about a story and I remembered this one.

It's not as good as yours,

But here it is.

So this is a few years ago,

Quite a number,

Maybe eight,

10 years ago.

And some,

Most of you probably don't know this,

But I run hot,

Which means I sweat very,

Very easily.

And so I'm,

And especially,

Fun fact,

I don't,

It's not a good,

It's not sweat easily.

And,

And,

And especially if I've exercised,

You know,

Been in a steam room,

Taking a shower,

Then especially having hot outside.

So one day,

I had been meeting with a long time student.

Then we were having a class and she was going to invite a friend who is a very well-known person and it doesn't matter who they are,

But they're,

You know,

They're a well-known person.

So I come to their house for the class and I started talking and I had just exercised,

Been in the steam room and taking a shower.

And this is,

You know,

This is a person who does not like air conditioning,

Even though it was very hot on that day and in the house.

And I'm starting to talk and I'm just starting to sweat profusely and my glasses are fogging up,

You know,

And my first thought is,

Oh my God,

You know,

I'm nervous.

I've never met,

Even if I'm not nervous,

What is going on here?

Literally pouring a sweat and,

And my glasses are fogging up.

Anyway,

I got,

I got through the class and again,

As I was going through,

I was saying,

You know,

It doesn't even matter what anybody's thinking right now.

This is an amazing opportunity for your ego to be diminished.

And what's interesting is that since that day,

And again,

I still often sweat,

Especially if I'm giving lectures and we're in a very big room,

But like at this point,

It's not something that bothers me.

So I guess we'll have to find,

You know,

Some other things to help diminish my ego.

But I think again,

I appreciate those moments,

But any moment that I have to be able to break my ego in some way or other.

I love that.

Yeah.

So whose story was better?

Yours.

Well,

I thought you were gonna tell the story,

Which we'll have to save another episode,

But it doesn't even,

I enjoyed it.

My ego enjoyed it.

And it happened to you when you got spilled coffee all over yourself in the airplane.

Yes.

I haven't told the story.

Now let's save it.

Okay.

Okay.

So we do have another question if you want to do it straight to notes.

It's a really short,

I have a short answer for it too.

So we'll do short.

Okay.

So one other question we got is that what is the difference between the ego and having a certainty or being certain about something or sure.

And the way I see it is that ego is associated,

As we've said,

With an unwillingness to learn and being closed minded with unbridled and unfounded confidence.

When we speak of certainty,

Right?

Because the certainty is placing a complete conviction in the creator.

It's where you've come from.

It's your source.

It's something higher than you.

Certainty is the consciousness of being open to possibilities and new ways of thinking.

And ego refers to rigidity and flexibility and control.

And I want to talk about control for just a second because certainty is trusting the process of life and the ego wants to control that process.

Right.

And I think that's a really powerful way to look at it.

And which reminds me,

This is again,

A very important teaching that says,

Anytime you're upset,

It's the ego.

What does that mean?

Because what you're saying is my thought about this moment and what should be happening is the right one.

And even though the universe,

The creator is showing something else,

I know better.

So for example,

I use that example.

In that moment that I was sitting there sweating profusely,

What is my ego saying?

The right thing to be happening right now is for you not to be sweating profusely,

To be able to give this less teaching over without all of that embarrassment,

Right?

But the reality is that even for reasons that I don't even understand,

The perfect thing for my soul,

For my light to be revealed was to be going through that embarrassing situation while giving over a teaching.

So control means I,

My ego,

Control comes from the ego.

I want what I want to be happening at all times.

Whereas the soul tells you,

No,

If this is what is happening,

Right?

Because this is the reality that is occurring right now.

That means that this is the best thing for me.

If it is beyond my control,

It is the best thing for me.

And not only as you really think in this way,

You embrace reality,

You actually embrace what's happening.

It actually gives you joy.

And I think I will actually,

Because it perfectly ties into this question,

The story of the coffee.

That's my favorite story.

So a number of years ago we were flying from either LA to New York,

New York to LA,

A long,

Relatively long flight,

Let's say five hours.

And Monica and I and the kids were getting into our seats and there was a woman.

You literally just sat down.

And you were in an aisle seat.

Yes,

I was in the aisle seat.

And as I sit down,

You know,

Other people are coming on the plane and she had a very,

You know,

What are they called?

Venti,

Vanilla frappuccino,

Something very sticky and sweet.

It was a hot one.

So it was a hot vanilla latte or something.

And wet and large.

Well,

And then somehow it falls out of our hands and her hands and falls all over me.

Right?

So my initial thought is,

Oh my God,

For the next five to six hours,

I'm going to be sitting in sticky,

Wet coffee.

And I hate to admit it,

But my thought was,

Wow,

I'm so happy that wasn't me.

But the next thought that I had was,

Well,

This is reality.

You're not about to change reality and you're going to want you to fight it.

But the reality is that if this happened,

That means that the universe,

The creator is saying that for your soul's process in this moment,

The best thing to happen to you for the next five hours is to be sitting in the sticky,

Wet coffee.

And you didn't even get upset.

You were actually,

You fully embraced it.

I think.

And then when I thought,

Okay,

So the ego didn't get you there.

And then I thought for sure the next part was going to remember what happened next.

So then the stewardess comes out and she's like,

Oh,

You know,

Oh my God,

She's trying to wipe it off with towels and she's giving you paper towels.

I'm just like,

Oh my God,

I have just the thing that works every time.

So she goes and out of her purse or some compartment,

She comes back and she brings maxi pads and tampons.

And she's like,

These absorb like nothing else.

Oh my God.

I'm laughing.

And you still had the biggest smile on your face.

Like,

You know,

Because that's the reality,

Right?

The reality is to embrace your soul's process,

Not control reality.

Yeah,

That's a beautiful story.

So I,

I like to give homework at the end of conversations.

So this is for our listeners.

Are you ready?

What areas of your life are you tipped a little too far into ego?

Is there an area of your life where your ego is more aggrandized?

How can you shift to stepping out of the spotlight and then to service?

If you feel that you lend yourself more to a diminished ego,

Can you think of areas where you become less than your best self or others comfort simply to not rock the boat or to please them?

Because this is how you feel significant.

Whatever the case may be,

As you shift into an expression of spiritual smallness,

You're creating an opening for blessings.

How do you do this?

Do one action of kindness every day.

Shift your consciousness from what am I getting to how can I give more?

Wake up each day with intention to appreciate everything you already have.

Beautiful.

And I'd like to share,

It's interesting,

You know,

We said last podcast on the ego that we have so much more to share and there still is very much more and I'm sure over the next number of months,

We'll be sharing more on the ego.

Please all of our listeners keep sending in your stories,

Especially your embarrassing.

Those are my favorite ones to hear of ego,

Diminishment,

Embarrassing stories.

But there's a beautiful teaching from one of the great sages about the ego.

He says that so many of us spend our lives running after what the ego wants.

And it's like running after a man with his hand closed.

And he tells you everything you want is in my hand.

And you spend so much time running after him,

Running after him,

Running after him.

And then when your soul is about to leave this world,

He opens up his hand and you see that there was nothing in there.

And that I think is a beautiful parable for where we spend so much of our time and effort.

We run after the empty hand.

We run after the ego's direction leading nowhere.

So I really ask all of us,

Myself,

Monica,

And all of our listeners,

Let's make sure that we find our egos,

Whether it's the one that makes us think that we're so great,

Better than everybody else,

Or the one that says you're a nobody and don't do.

And day after day fight it because this is the road both to fulfillment,

To fulfilling the purpose for which our soul came into this world,

And for true and lasting fulfillment.

Again,

Thank you to all of our listeners.

We are literally blown away.

I mean,

Hundreds of thousands of people all over the world listening to this podcast is really humbling.

It's interesting.

It's a good time to talk about it as we're talking about the ego podcast.

And I want you all to know that it really means a lot to us because the reason we,

Besides the fact that we enjoy spending this time together,

Monica and I,

But the reason we do this podcast is because we want to have in some way both helped and shared this wisdom in a way that improves others' lives.

And we've been getting a lot of letters from many of our listeners.

I think it's important for Monica and I,

But certainly for our listeners to hear some of these stories.

I find them very inspiring and I hope you find them inspiring as well.

I'll share one.

And this is from Jeffrey.

He says,

During this time of uncertainty,

COVID,

Racism,

And more,

I have sought guidance from sources that can provide inspiration.

One of the most rewarding decisions has been to subscribe to the Spiritually Hungry podcast.

With each session,

I reflect,

Laugh,

Pray,

And invite positive change.

For example,

While stuck in traffic today,

I listened to the podcast about friendship.

I came to realize that I have neglected several meaningful relationships.

I will reach out again and will rely on the light to guide these potentially complicated conversations.

Thank you,

Dr.

Jeffrey Steen.

Wow,

That's so nice.

It's really beautiful.

It makes me so happy you're driving along with him,

Traffic.

Me too.

Me too.

And like I said,

For us,

The reason Monica and I do this podcast is because we hope that through this podcast,

People,

Somebody hears some wisdom that they then implement in their lives and improve their lives and hopefully improve the lives of those around them.

And this is the Ego podcast.

So we are truly,

Truly humbled by the amount of people in just the first few months of this podcast that are listening to this and sharing and then sharing back with us some of their experiences with it.

I mean,

Literally hundreds of thousands of people all over the world are listening to the podcast and sharing it with their friends.

We are so excited,

Inspired by your stories that you share back with us about how this podcast has impacted your life,

Has improved your life.

So please continue to send questions,

To send your stories.

As I mentioned,

If you have some embarrassing ego,

Diminishing stories,

Share them as well.

This continues to inspire us.

And I believe in sharing it with our listeners.

They will be inspired by them as well.

Again,

Thank you so much.

And again,

We ask if you can go to Apple podcasts and wherever you get your podcasts,

Review this podcast,

Hopefully favorably,

Share it,

Give it five stars that others who have not yet listened or had the opportunity to hear the spiritually hungry,

Get the opportunity to hear.

And again,

Keep sending your questions,

Comments,

Stories,

Ego,

Diminishment,

Embarrassing stories,

Any and all things to Monica and Michael at kabala.

Com.

And as I always say,

I hope you enjoyed listening to this podcast as much as we enjoyed recording.

Bye