19. Reducing Stress: How To Grow Free From Its Damaging Impact

When my perspective is much greater,

When I am living my life more outwardly focused,

More in the concept of sharing or others outside of myself,

It diminishes the stress that can be awakened by any one or two relatively insignificant situations.

So when we're stressed,

We miss out on all the beauty of the journey.

Because imagine in a day where you spend time stuck in that space in your head,

You're missing out on everything that day has to offer you.

The reason I meditate and pray and study the way I do it because my experience then is that I am able to,

When the stressful situations occur,

And they will occur to every single person very often in our lives,

I'm able to go to a different place with it.

In essence,

This podcast isn't about eliminating stress.

It's about rethinking stress.

There is a purpose for it.

You can elevate stress by understanding it in a different way,

By responding to it differently,

And then by using it for transformation and spiritual growth.

Welcome to the Spiritually Hungry Podcast,

Episode 19.

Very excited to talk about this topic as I think we came from a very hectic week that felt a little stressful,

I'd say.

So it was full,

And I think I've learned to manage stress better,

But my body definitely still has a reaction to it.

So if you haven't caught on,

We are going to speak about stress and anxiety today.

So I want to ask you,

Michael,

And our listeners to think about- Is this your surprise question?

No,

You'll be surprised later.

How often would you say you experienced stress in a year?

Wow,

In a year.

I would separate without going to do- The question would be too complicated.

Can you just answer the question?

Because there are stressful situations,

And the question is do you respond with stress?

Right.

That's the hint in that,

The keyword in that sentence was experience.

Oh,

Experience stress?

Oh,

10 times a year?

Oh,

Come on.

Really?

I'm trying to be honest.

Let me think if that's accurate or not.

Maybe I'm just reacting to my own thought about stress.

10 times a year,

And I'd say,

I'd say a little bit more than that.

Really?

Yeah.

What would you say?

How would you answer my question for me?

So I'm sure for our honest listeners out there,

Your number was a little bit higher than 10.

Really?

Okay.

Okay.

I can almost hear the laughter,

And of course you can hear the laughter,

Of the subsequent response to a year,

Because the truth is we all experience to a certain degree stress in our daily lives,

Right?

Everything from the feeling of running late,

Either to work or to an appointment or to a dinner,

Or bigger stressors like- Okay,

Right.

If you're dealing with those type of the small ones- Well,

That still is under the umbrella of stress.

Or larger ones like waiting to receive a foreboding email or going for a mammogram.

I haven't had that experience.

Maybe a financial hardship or a relationship struggle,

Right?

So if you think about the different things that come up in our lives or that we partake in in our lives,

They can be cause for stress.

And of course,

Yes,

As we're going to speak about,

It depends on how you view things.

But basically,

If you're alive,

You experience stress.

And up until now,

It was thought that stress was something to avoid,

Like the plague.

It's terrible for your health.

It wreaks havoc on your life.

And science says that extreme stress over time hikes up the probability of a premature death by a whopping 43%.

That's very stressful.

So if you weren't stressed before you joined us today,

I can guarantee you're probably feeling a little bit stressed right now.

Now,

Of course,

You're probably going to do everything to try to not experience stress.

But today,

We are going to invite you to change the way you think about stress and all things that come along with it.

So the first thing I want to talk about is to change how we view stress.

Did you want to add anything before I go into that?

No,

I'll wait.

I'll wait.

I think I'm feeling really giddy because I'm not stressed today for the first time in a week.

I can wait?

Okay,

So I'll continue.

So there's a woman named Kelly McCognagle.

McCog-nag-gle.

Anyway,

She had a lot of great things to say.

Yes,

She's a health and happiness psychologist.

And she gave an exhilarating TED Talk that illustrates how stress can be bad for you only if you believe it is.

That's interesting.

Very interesting.

But personally,

The study made me rethink my whole approach to stress.

So she says that there is a study,

Right?

And they tracked 30,

000 adults in the United States for eight years.

And they started by asking people,

How much stress have you experienced in the last year?

They also asked- Were they allowed to answer their question or did their wives have to give the real answer?

Well,

They were allowed to honestly answer the question,

Yes.

They also asked,

Do you believe that stress is harmful for your health?

And then they used a public death records to find out who died,

Who participated.

Okay,

So some bad news first.

People who experienced a lot of stress in the previous year had a 43% increased risk of dying.

But that was only true for the people who also believe that stress was harmful for their health.

People who experienced a lot of stress but did not view stress as harmful were no more likely to die early.

Really?

That's interesting.

In fact,

They had the lowest risk of dying earlier of anyone in the study,

Including people who had a relatively little stress.

So the only difference between the study participants was simply how they each thought about stress and what they believed it meant.

So a shift in perspective literally saved people's lives.

Oh,

That was really inspiring.

Interesting.

Do you have any thoughts about that?

Well,

Actually I have a ton.

Okay,

You got it.

But I just,

Because I always like science to back up what something I think we're going to relay,

Right?

And I think the premise of our podcast really is all about consciousness.

So even when it comes to stress,

Right,

People think that,

Yeah,

I mean,

Some people are more calm or naturally less stressful or less reactive,

But really it's at the end,

It really just goes back to consciousness.

How you view things is what your experience of life or of the things will be.

Because that again,

And that's really what I wanted to share a little bit and really a few quotes that our consciousness literally influences,

Especially as it relates to stress,

How our body responds and the body response then causes either positive or negative effects on the body.

One of the very important books on stress is Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers.

I think you had that book.

I have that book.

Yes,

It's great.

So.

.

.

And I love the title too,

By the way.

Yes.

I think it's important to understand the scientific background of our understanding of stress.

And then I think we can hopefully go towards the spiritual understanding of both how to reduce it and really why it exists.

But to begin with,

Again,

This is by Robert Sapolsky,

Again,

A very seminal work on stress.

He says the following in two quotes,

I hope they're not too long,

But he says,

We have come to recognize the vastly complex intertwining of a biology and our emotions,

The endless ways in which our personalities,

Feelings,

And thoughts both reflect and influence the events in our bodies.

One of the most interesting manifestations of this recognition is understanding that extreme emotional disturbances can adversely affect us.

Put in the parlance with which we have grown familiar,

Stress can make us sick.

And a critical shift in medicine has been the recognition that many of the damaging diseases of slow accumulation can be either caused or made far worse by stress.

So science is now at a point where it has proven that stress has long term negative effects on the body,

Both disease and as you said,

Also death.

Well,

The conversation we actually had last week is that my father has Alzheimer's and he,

In some ways,

Is healthier than ever because he was always a very,

Very stressful person,

Very always anxious and stressed and it would go to zero to a thousand.

And now there's just no triggers,

Right?

And nobody would want to be in that situation.

But often I've found that people who do get that specific disease live longer perhaps than years longer than you would expect.

Right.

It's interesting.

Before I get to my next quote,

It raises a very,

I think,

Important idea and something we do speak about a lot and not to jump to sort of,

I don't know,

I would say tools that we can use.

But one of them,

It sounds simple.

And it is something that I try to live as much as I can.

That is not to take neither myself nor what is happening,

Nor the process that any one of us is going through too seriously.

Yeah.

I have that in my notes too for today.

Well,

So- And I added the part of to be silly about it.

Right.

This is just- So it's interesting.

So in some of the books on stress,

The quote from this Woody Allen movie,

I don't know,

I think it's okay.

I hope it's okay to quote him nowadays.

But where the young boy walks is seen by the doctor because his mother doesn't say what's wrong with him.

And he says,

The universe is expanding endlessly.

Right.

And that caused him so much stress because he realized that in the vastness of the expanding universe,

Each one of our lives is almost minuscule,

Maybe inconsequential,

Which we don't believe,

But,

And most importantly,

Finite.

Right.

That unfortunately,

Most of us,

All of us at the end die.

And that can be taken to be stressful,

But the right way to take it is the understanding that in me and you have had this conversation recently,

Many of our listeners know that my mother left this physical world a few months ago.

And throughout the process afterwards,

As we view everything important that happens to us in life has lessons to teach us,

Not just for the moment,

But really for the rest of our lives.

And I think it was just,

It was yesterday or the day before we were talking about something that was bothering.

Right.

And then I said,

You know,

You remember we used to talk about this with my mother and this was important and this wasn't important.

And at the end of the day today,

Are any of those things important?

And it matters.

Very few things,

Very few things that we worry about,

Very few things that we spend time,

You know,

Really staying up at night or just worrying about during the day at the end of the day are that important.

Yeah.

They really don't require much attention at all or energy.

Yeah.

I mean- In fact,

They're just distraction.

And this at Kabbalistically is one of the most important stress management or relief tools.

And that is,

And for me,

One of the beauties of studying spirituality where it's really a focus outside of ourselves into a much greater,

More powerful and non-finite and non-ending reality.

It diminishes the importance.

It doesn't mean that I don't have to,

If I'm late for a meeting,

I shouldn't think about it for a moment,

But I should say it's not the end of the world if I'm five minutes late because with a greater perspective that hopefully one gains by being involved in spiritual study and pursuit,

He or she understands this is not that significant.

And it's just not worth it.

I mean,

Yeah,

If you're running late,

Then maybe you want to rethink how you spend your time or how much time it takes you to get ready or traffic or whatever.

But the amount that we allow it to affect us,

Our mood,

Our energy,

Our outlook,

And really physically harm us,

It just seems really ridiculous when you spell it out.

And there's probably different categories of things.

There are things that are absolutely ridiculous,

Right?

The fact that you just came back from a party and you said something like,

Oh my God,

Did I come up sounding stupid or right?

People ruminate about that thought for hours.

And think about that.

And so the capitalist literally used the teaching that imagine you were no longer in this world.

Would that be something that would bother you?

And I think for the most part,

Either would not bother us at all or it would bother us in a very small way.

And I think philosophically the big difference and one of the reasons that we stress so much and ruminate on the same stressful points often is because we are inwardly focused.

We can call it ego.

We can call it in capitalistic terms of the desire to receive for the self alone.

If I'm living a life that is mostly focused on me,

The minuscule incidents will also be that much greater.

When my perspective is much greater,

When I am living my life more outwardly focused,

More in the concept of sharing or others outside of myself,

It diminishes the stress that can be awakened by any one or two relatively insignificant situations.

And again,

I think that this is such an important idea.

If I can share with her,

I know this is something that I use and Monica and I often talk about this.

Whenever situations arise,

Really try to imagine how important is this stressful moment if I was no longer in this world.

And take yourself less seriously.

It's interesting this past week we spent a week with many of our Kabbalah Center teachers from all over the world.

And one of the most important messages that I shared was this idea.

You can take what you're doing seriously.

I and Monica strongly believe that what we're doing with our lives,

This mission that we have to bring wisdom and inspiration and light to people's lives is very important.

But my work in it,

I do not take too seriously.

If it doesn't go my way,

I don't take it seriously.

That thought,

And I urge all of our listeners,

Next time you're feeling a little bit stressed,

Start laughing at yourself.

Is this really that significant?

Is this something that if I was no longer in this world or even 50 years from now,

Five years from now,

One year from now,

Is it something I would even give a half a second of a thought?

You know what I do in those moments?

Because it's a shortcut to get there.

Sometimes I need different instigators that I make for myself.

So in that,

When I'm starting to feel upset about something,

It stresses me out and I'm starting to worry and fear something,

I stop and I look at myself.

I get out of my body and I just observe myself.

And then I ask myself this question,

Is this really who you want to be?

This is you?

And is this who you want to become?

Because the more you have any behavior,

The more you're going to be that person becomes your character.

And that always gets me back on track.

I'm like,

Absolutely not.

It's ridiculous.

And then I'm able to move past that worry,

Upset,

Stress relatively quickly.

I think another thing is that stress is really fear.

And you know,

I like talking about fear.

Is it or is it not an option?

Fear is not an option.

Yes.

That was a joke because if you haven't yet,

I strongly recommend every one of our listeners to go to Amazon right now and get the book Fear Is Not An Option by Monica Bird.

Thank you.

So it's worrying about an outcome and not trusting the process of life.

The process is the purpose and it's not the destination.

So when we're stressed,

We miss out on all the beauty of the journey.

Because imagine in a day where you spend time stuck in that space in your head,

You're missing out on everything that day has to offer you.

When we feel stressed,

It's not being in the present and it's creating an opening for outside things to feed us or to relax us.

And that's why I think a lot of people look externally to alleviate stress,

Right?

Whether it's alcohol or smoking or any kind of escapism.

So stress is external and therefore we connect and use external things.

But the remedy for this is to go internal,

Right?

And that is basically certainty.

Certainty is a knowing.

It's connecting to something that is greater than us.

And I think that I used to be more of a chronic worrier.

I think I would get stressed and upset more easily than I do now.

But once I realized how much my worry,

Anxiety,

Stress was opening up more of what I didn't want like lack and manifesting the things that I really wanted,

I was able to switch this mindset.

So it's really the flip of a switch.

And I don't think it has to be a difficult.

I mean,

You can choose a different thought.

You can choose a different response.

And there's a quote from King David in Psalms and says,

My mind,

My thoughts are filled with all types of stupidity.

Stupid thoughts are not thoughts of certainty.

And I think we all keep our minds as we were just saying with silly,

Busy with silly thoughts,

The what ifs and the doubts.

What if this happens?

What if that doesn't come through?

And without certainty,

We will be stuck in that place of feeling doubt,

Sadness,

Anger,

Stress.

And it really just starts again with that acknowledgement of the silliness of our thoughts.

And I think you touched upon a very important point.

I want to unpack it a little bit for our listeners.

We talked about the concept of certainty and the reason why so many of us stress.

And again,

I think it's important that,

You know,

In capitalistic terms,

We always say it's important to delve as deeply as we can to understand why things happen before you can even think about or go through the process of changing them.

The reason why we stress,

And this is true,

Whether this is a conscious thought or unconscious thought is because we think we are in control of everything.

And either we are in control of everything or we need to be in control of everything.

So for example,

With our children,

It is up to me to make sure that they are educated,

Healthy,

Fed,

Secure,

And safe.

If you really think that,

Then you should be worried all day and all night because it's literally if you really accept that responsibility,

It's my sole responsibility to take care of them at 100%.

You better be spending every second of your day taking care of them.

Well,

It is until a certain age.

Well,

It actually never,

My point is it actually never really is.

Defeat them?

It's important to defeat them,

But you can't keep them secure,

Right?

We all had this and I'll admit to this,

Certainly with our first child,

You know,

Those nights when you don't hear them breathing,

You go in to check to make sure they're.

.

.

Can I go in and admit something?

Is this just me?

No,

I did this the other night.

Abigail was in our bed and I just,

I didn't hear her.

And then like I kind of touched her and she felt a little cold,

So I put my hand over her mouth.

I mean,

Yeah,

She was breathing.

I mean,

But the thing is,

It's just a natural response,

I guess.

Right.

But the point is,

And this I think is a very important.

.

.

But I did laugh at myself in the moment.

I was kind of like,

I can't believe you woke up to do this.

Ridiculous.

But the point is,

It's not up to us to keep them alive,

Right?

So we know that there is a greater force than us.

You can call it the creator,

You can call it God,

You can call it the universe.

And you,

And again,

For those who are involved in spiritual study,

I think most of us,

Important we come to there,

Not just from a place of belief,

But rather from a place of knowledge and experience.

But once you have that knowledge,

Or at least once you're beginning to have that knowledge,

That there is a greater force in this world.

That my job in this world is a partnership with that force,

But not a sole responsibility.

That really helps to alleviate a lot of the stress.

Absolutely.

Because then it's not all on you.

And so people,

Especially people who don't believe in something greater,

I have to make it happen.

It's based on my ability and my knowing,

And I know how it's supposed to start and how it's supposed to end and everything that's supposed to happen in the middle.

And of course,

That's going to create a lot of stress.

Also it's a complete illusion.

It's not true.

Exactly.

It's not true.

And this is true in every area of life.

I've met,

For instance,

Just in the world of business,

Many business people,

Many of them who have this knowledge of a greater force and those who don't.

And those who have a greater knowledge of this force,

Of course,

We all have the responsibility to do our 100% effort.

But even those business people have consciousness,

They know I will do 100% of my effort,

Even 110%.

But what I will or will not succeed is not going to be solely my responsibility.

And that helps to alleviate so much of the stress.

And for example,

We have the responsibility of running a very large organization and that can be a cause of great stress.

I mean,

You have thousands of people all over the world,

Whether they're students or employees or teachers that you have to answer questions to,

You have to take and so on and so forth,

Think about growing.

If you wanted to have stress- Yeah,

The way you're talking.

Yeah,

You're feeling a little bit stressed.

But the point is,

For me,

Throughout my day,

As I'm going about doing that part of the work,

The administrative part,

I know that,

Of course,

I have to use my best effort,

I have to use my best thoughts,

My best ideas.

But at the end of the day- It's not up to- It's not up to me.

It's up to me.

There's a beautiful phrase that the sages use.

They say,

The job is not for you to finish,

But you are not free not to do it.

So that paradox of I have to do my best,

Best as a parent,

Best in business,

Best in my spiritual work,

Best as a friend,

And so on and so forth.

But at the end of the day,

It is not mine to finish the task.

On that vein,

I think we often have this conversation where we're not sure what to do,

We don't do anything,

And we just invite the creator in.

We create that opening,

We leave that space,

And then eventually we get the clarity.

And it always comes from somewhere higher,

For sure.

Yeah.

And again,

Just to use a very.

.

.

In the very physical world,

I have seen people in business that when they had that consciousness,

They were really.

.

.

Things change in ways that they would not have been possible had they thought that it was all them.

And I think,

And again,

As I said,

I think this is a very important.

.

.

We talked about tools,

One of them is really finding the way not to take ourselves too seriously.

The second,

I think,

Is really,

Really constantly awakening this thought.

Of certainty.

Of certainty,

Which means on the flip side of it,

It's not all my responsibility.

It is not my responsibility to make sure that my child is safe all the time.

That's also not my responsibility,

And nor is it ever possible.

And then it just becomes a balance,

Right?

Of course,

This does not alleviate our responsibility to do everything we can to care,

But it does hopefully alleviate the stress- Exactly.

.

.

.

That we would feel after doing everything that we can.

There are three steps that I have used in walking with simplicity,

Because I think that that is basically what certainty is.

It's just being really simple about the process,

About things that happen,

About not taking yourself too seriously,

Right?

I really like that word,

Simplicity.

It gets a bad rap because people are like,

Oh,

That's so simple,

Or they think it's somehow limiting,

In a way,

But I actually think it's quite beautiful.

The first is to walk simply,

Which means no matter what happens,

I accept it with simplicity.

I don't look into why.

No matter what is said,

No matter what somebody does to me,

I accept it.

I know that that sounds really difficult,

And it is until you really start practicing,

But it means that you want to be open to everything,

To all the information you're given,

And you'll listen to it.

You'll see if it feels right,

If it resonates,

And from that space,

Without stress and worry and anxiety,

You can decide to do something or not to do something with that information.

The second is to know it will be good.

Know that no matter how it appears,

It's coming from the creator,

And it ultimately will be good.

Don't make it about the person or the situation.

Just make it about the lesson.

Again,

That doesn't sound very stressful either,

Right?

It's just something that's very inviting,

And you can use it for growth.

But again,

Just to underscore,

Know that it will be good is not an easy place to get to in many situations.

That's why the importance of a- Well,

Focusing on how it's not good is certainly not going to get us there.

For sure,

But I have found for myself that it is only because of a consistent study and practice that I am more and more able to get to that point.

Yeah.

That's the goal that you have to build,

And you have to choose this perspective every single day for it to become something that is natural.

The third is don't worry about the future.

Not about the future,

Not about trying to figure out the future.

To try to figure out the future separates us from the light.

That was the biggest and most profound lesson for me because I had a lot of worry with Josh as we've spoken about.

I remember,

Every morning I'd wake up in those first months that he was born,

I'd worry about what is he going to be like when he hits puberty?

What is he going to be like when he's 16 and 18?

Well,

Especially since in the hospital the doctors were very negative.

Very negative.

Yeah.

They told us only the things that he'd never be able to do and to have zero expectation for anything good.

But in that moment,

I decided to walk simply.

I'm going to be in my trust and my certainty and that we never know what's going to be on any given day.

That's what,

And again,

Going back,

I really like,

And again,

I hope it's clear what we mean by this,

But the idea of not taking ourselves too seriously and looking at the silliness of so many of our worries and stress.

The reality is that the future,

None of us know.

It's probably going to be very different than anything we imagine.

And I believe if we are developing as a human being,

It will be much better than we expect,

But it won't be anything like what we expect.

And that's why worrying about it,

What does that mean?

It means I know what's going to happen and how upset about what the future is going to be.

And that's silly because none of us know what's going to happen.

And the reality is in most cases for us,

The future is going to be very different than anything we can imagine.

Yeah.

Again,

The point is the way we choose to observe any given thing is the way we're going to experience it.

Right.

And you should remember,

I'm going to take here a second.

I hope our listeners don't mind and I hope Monica,

You don't mind.

I'm actually going to,

There's a Quaker prayer that I read recently,

Which really,

Let me see if I can find it quickly.

By the way,

While you're looking for that,

I think that from a Kabbalistic perspective,

Stress can be a powerful motivator,

Showing us what we're capable of and revealing our true greatness.

Right?

I mean,

When stress comes in our lives,

It's an opportunity to say,

Okay,

What is it that I'm spending my time on?

Maybe it's an indication or a signal that we need to transform and grow from something.

Maybe it's an indication that we should no longer be putting energy and effort into the things that we're doing.

Stress is feedback,

Right?

It's what we do with it that really matters.

Here it is.

So it's an old Quaker saying,

In the face of strong winds,

Let me be a blade of grass.

In the face of strong walls,

Let me be a gale of wind.

And that paradox between the times when we have to call it surrender or really take what is life and hopefully not worry about it,

And the times when we have to step up and push.

I thought it was a beautiful prayer,

Beautiful idea.

I like that a lot.

I said this a little earlier,

I don't think you were listening though.

The thing about stress though,

I think it is an opportunity for us to really look at how we're spending our time.

If a person is feeling stressed all the time,

It's probably an indication that you're committing to things that maybe you don't need to.

I mean,

Besides what we just talked about,

About choosing your perspective and deciding how you want to respond to stress.

But besides that,

If you find yourself in situations where every day it's this grind,

Like I got to rush,

I got to go do,

I don't even have time to work out because I'm so stressed.

Then there's something in the way that you're spending your time or allowing people to take from your time that's really not balanced or okay.

I think stress is an opportunity,

An indication that we need to change something about ourselves or our lives,

A welcoming for transformation.

I had a period of my life where I was really on that gear all the time.

I remember we would talk about it and this was kind of how the conversation was.

I'm like,

Okay,

There's something not really working here.

I stopped doing the things that didn't make me happy,

That I didn't find were something that I only could uniquely give,

That maybe somebody else could do it.

It didn't really feed me and it was also taking me away from the things that I was really passionate about,

The things I really wanted to do.

Then the things that did speak to me and where I still found stress there,

I changed the word.

Instead of saying,

I'm stressed,

Because again,

These were things that I was really excited to put energy and effort into,

I would seem really excited to do this because it's similar energies,

Right?

Except one is negative and one is positive.

So I'd be like,

I'm really excited to do this today.

And that shift,

Just in that one word,

Changed the experience of the pressure even.

Because you will,

Especially if you're doing big things or you're doing things that you've never done before,

You're going to feel some pressure,

But it doesn't have to be a negative feeling.

Absolutely.

And I think you touched on it.

I think what I think is a very important point.

Our view is that nothing ever happens coincidentally.

Everything that is happening in my life,

Every experience that I'm having,

Is meant to be teaching me,

Changing me.

Stress is one of the most important teachers and guides that we have in our life.

And if you understand that there's two ways,

There's really two levels upon which one lives.

One are,

Like you said,

Things that come from the soul,

The truest part of us.

That when we are living the truest part of us,

When we are truly living on the level of our soul,

There's much less stress.

When we're living on,

Call it the ego level or the body,

The desire to receive for the self alone or caring of external,

That's where stress will come in more.

And it's hard to shake then because you're not even in touch with your soul,

Right?

So you don't even know how to get past that or how to navigate because you're basically living somebody else's idea of what your life should be.

And therefore I think it's so important for our listeners to really take in this concept.

And to look at your life right now,

Right?

In this moment.

Absolutely.

And which one does it fit in?

And the inspiring and exciting understanding is this.

There is a realm of your life within which stress is much less than it is now.

And there is a way to live your life where your experience of stress becomes less and less and less.

But that necessitates the internal work,

Really going inside like you often do.

And I really commend you for this.

And this doesn't end once,

Right?

You don't look inside once and find how am I living really from my soul,

My real purpose and my real desire as opposed to what I'm living that is for external reasons,

Even if they're the best external reasons,

You have to do that over and over again.

But- Because that made me so miserable.

That's why,

That's how it all started for me.

I was so unhappy because that daily thing,

I felt so robotic,

Just living.

What does everybody think of me?

What do they expect of me?

What do they want me to do?

What am I supposed to do?

And it was such a conversation that was looking to everybody else's faces for the answers.

And when I finally couldn't take it anymore,

Then I went internal.

I was like,

Okay,

Wait a second.

I cannot do this anymore.

And thank God I got,

I'm not very patient.

So by age 17,

18,

I was really like,

I'm not,

Do this the rest of my life.

I'm not happy.

Right.

But let's,

I really want to underscore what you just said.

And in retrospect,

How beautiful and how thankful are you for that stress,

Pain,

Upset,

Right?

Because if not for that,

You wouldn't have made the changes that you so necessarily needed.

By the way,

I really appreciate for the first time actually being impatient in that regard because I think a lot of people are very patient about living with their chaos and their stress and their anxiety and their worry.

And I always say like,

That's what you need to be impatient with,

Right?

Like enough of that.

But people live with that low level numbness,

Dullness,

Pain their entire lives.

Yeah.

Unless you,

Unless you make a conscious choice to change it.

Right.

And I think those are two important understandings.

One that anytime we are experiencing stress and certainly like you said,

If it is a recurring stress,

That's not just there coincidentally.

That's just not something there.

Oh,

I wish I could take a pill so it can go away.

Some do.

Some do.

Take many pills.

Right.

And sometimes it's,

By the way,

Sometimes it's necessary in certain situations,

But rather it's the creator telling you,

Listen,

You might not be living your life from your soul.

You might not be living your truest self.

It's saying you're off course.

Exactly.

And if you really take the time,

But that takes work.

It takes really thought.

But I think it starts with that understanding that I am meant to live a life that is not this stressful.

I am meant to live a life that is mostly filled with peace and with fulfillment.

The stress that I'm experiencing now,

It's probably the creator,

The universe telling me,

Listen,

You're not living from that place.

There are changes you need to make.

And it might be as in science,

We know there's all kinds of research on this now.

I would say more spirituality,

More wisdom,

More meditation,

More prayer,

Whatever that is,

Because I know from experience,

And this is why I think Kabbalistic,

We don't just follow a road,

Even spirituality,

Certainly not religion where we say do this just because,

But rather the reason I meditate and pray and study the way I do is because my experience then is that I am able to,

When the stressful situations occur,

And they will occur to every single person very often in our lives,

I'm able to go to a different place with it.

I don't allow it to fill my life with stress.

So I think those two understandings,

First that we are meant to live a life without that experience of stress.

And second,

That stress does not occur coincidentally,

Oh,

And I wish it can go away,

But rather as an opening,

A call,

A tapping on our shoulder,

Listen,

You're probably not living the life of your soul completely.

There's probably things you need to change about the way you're living your life.

And maybe also,

Hey,

Let's become a little bit more awakened to a spiritual connection because that also will help me reduce the stress that I'm experiencing.

Yeah,

In essence,

This podcast isn't about eliminating stress.

It's about rethinking stress.

There is a purpose for it.

You can elevate stress,

Right?

By understanding it in a different way,

By responding to it differently,

And then by using it for transformation,

Spiritual growth,

Like any emotion,

Right?

Everything,

All parts of us is feedback.

It's an opportunity for something better.

And I always like to talk about everything body,

Mind,

And spirit because you can't just focus on one part of yourself and expect for all the other parts to work,

Right?

I was speaking to somebody this weekend and he has chronic pain in his shoulder and it's because he ignored his soul when it was talking to him,

Telling him something.

He ignored his mind and now his body's screaming out.

And he had this when he was going through a difficult time 10 years before he was at a crossroads and it's the exact same pain that he just can't shake because that's where it ends up manifesting.

So while we're talking about the body,

I do want to talk about what happens to your body when you experience stress.

I thought this was really interesting as well.

Can I,

Because I think it's very much related.

By the way,

Monica and I don't review what we're going to share before.

We never do.

It's just fun because we like to see where we have similarity.

Usually actually they absolutely support each other.

They compliment each other.

Yes.

Yes.

Like we do.

Our listeners agree with that.

But so in why zebras don't get ulcers.

He speaks about the origins,

Right?

Sort of the historical origins of stress.

And I think a very interesting discoveries as they began really,

It's really in the 1930s that that science came to understand stress as most of us understand it today.

So this might be a little bit lengthy.

I found it very entertaining and interesting.

This is up to the physical.

Yes.

Okay.

Yes.

Stop me at any time.

So first a quote from Robert Sapolsky's book.

If you are the zebra running for your life or the lion sprinting for your meal,

Your body's physiological response mechanisms are superbly adapted for dealing with such short term physical emergencies.

For the vast majority of beasts on this planet,

Stress is about a short term crisis after which it's either over with or you're over with.

When we sit around and worry about stressful things,

We turn on the same physiological causes,

But they are potentially a disaster when provoked chronically.

A large body of evidence suggests that stress related diseases emerge predominantly out of the fact that we so often activate a physiological system that has evolved for responding to acute physical emergencies.

But we turn it on for months on end worrying about mortgages,

Relationships,

And promotions.

I got the chills.

Yeah.

And it's really beautiful because now to understand anything,

You have to understand the origins.

The origins of it.

So if evolution has brought us to a place where stress was a necessary,

Right?

Again,

This is by the way why zebras don't get ulcers because they don't sit around worrying about mortgages.

They don't sit around worrying about relationships.

When they see a lion running after them,

They worry about that in the moment.

They run away.

That stress mechanism which is necessary in that time- So for survival.

For survival.

And then they turn it off.

It's done.

And then it goes off.

And so I think humanity has found a way to live long term with this stress- Really worry about,

Oh my God,

I hope I get a parking when I get to the mall.

I mean this odd- And that,

As he says,

Causes- The chronic stress.

And that causes unfortunately long term disease.

Now if I have another moment,

I'd like to share,

But I thought it was very interesting.

Babe,

You have as many moments as you want.

Okay,

Thank you.

So I found it very interesting.

So the way most of us in science understand stress is actually based on some research done in the 1930s by a person who became very well known.

Afterwards,

At the time,

He was an assistant professor.

His name is Hans Selle.

And so he had just found out that some biologists had taken out some liquid from ovaries and they wanted to research their effects on obviously eventually humans.

But so he started with lab rats.

So he gets a group of lab rats and he tries to inject them with this extract from the ovaries that the biologists have found,

Had discovered because he wants to find out what effect it has on rats,

Of course,

Than what it has on humans.

Doesn't sound very good.

Well,

Listen,

I think I find it a little bit- See,

Rats have purpose too.

So Hans was not,

Dr.

Selle was not very good at injecting rats.

He had never done it before.

So every time he tried to inject the rats,

They would fall on the floor,

He would try to grab them,

He would run away from them.

It was a whole comical situation.

At the end of the study,

He found- Did he catch a rat?

The lab rats had peptic ulcers that he found that their immune tissue- Oh,

He just gave them the chills again.

Wow.

The immune tissue had deteriorated and that their adrenal glands were enlarged.

Wow.

Fascinating.

Now he thought it was because of this- No,

It's because he was terrifying them.

Well,

That's the point of the problem was- Chasing them around with a needle.

But then he had to repeat it,

As scientists do,

With two groups of rats.

One,

The control group,

Which wouldn't get the injection,

And the others that did.

Was he still injecting them poorly?

Well,

So he was injecting poorly the first group that was getting the injections,

But the control group now that he had to do it as a real study was not.

And he found at the end that both of them wound up with these peptic ulcers and with the adrenal glands because,

Again,

He was giving one the liquid,

One the other.

He was not,

But he was just really bad at injecting rats.

And then he realized,

In the book he says- He caused ulcers.

Well,

Most people would have given up because his point was to try to prove that he thought initially that this liquid from the ovaries creates the ulcers and the adrenal gland enlargement and the immune tissue deterioration.

But then he realized what happened.

It took him time because,

Again,

Most scientists would have probably given up.

Right?

I made a mistake.

It didn't prove my point.

For whatever reason,

These silly rats were getting these ulcers,

But then he realized it was his stress causing of the ulcers.

And then he did a real study where he put three groups of rats in different stressful situations and he found that,

In truth,

All of them had peptic ulcers,

All of their adrenal glands became enlarged,

And all of their immune tissue deteriorated.

And that was the beginning of really the scientific understanding of stress.

Stress.

I love that study.

I think for all of us,

Besides I think the funny aspect of that initial story- What was his doctor's name?

Hans Selle.

He was Hungarian-Canadian doctor.

Now very well known and sort of seen as one of the fathers of understanding of stress in the scientific world.

But for us,

Of course,

The lesson is very important.

That this system that is meant to help in short term,

This help the zebra run away from the lion,

Is very helpful there,

Is very damaging as humanity has developed it as a chronic,

Stressful situation,

And we better find ways,

Spiritual or otherwise,

To live a either less stressful life or,

As we said before,

Knowing that we can actually live a life where there is,

I wouldn't say zero,

There will be stressful situations that others might find stressful,

But we will be able to handle them,

Receive them in ways that are much less stressful.

I love this.

And I think that this will be a great tool to support that.

Oh,

So it's good I- It's good you went first,

Yes.

I supported that.

So physiologically,

Stress doesn't have to be cause for concern.

In fact,

What's really happening is your body is rushing to your aid,

Preparing you to rise to the challenge that's before you,

As we understood with the zebra story.

It's helping you to come into the present,

To think quickly,

And to act.

Instead of seeing sweaty palms and flesh cheeks as something to be embarrassed about or as a signal you're in danger,

It's a way that your body supports you in the moment of challenge.

So again,

The key is how do you turn it off?

One of the most powerful stress hormones is oxytocin and the bottoming hormone.

And it's responsible for that feeling of elation that we relate to being in love,

Holding our newborn child,

Hugging a loved one.

It's also released with stress.

Listening to your wife on the podcast.

But did you know it's also released with stress?

So how can that be,

Right?

Because they seem completely opposite,

Like the way you feel when we hug versus a stressful situation.

But if we change this idea and we see stress as our friend,

So imagine that,

Right?

Next time stress comes into your life,

Instead of you being like,

Oh my God,

Especially this podcast is not good for me,

Chronic stress aid,

You know what?

Stress is my friend.

What's the opportunity here?

So when you experience stress,

Rather than seeing it as a result of failure,

Retraction,

Stress,

Know right in that moment that it's oxytocin is being released in your body,

Not as a way to reward us,

But as a way to encourage to ask for assistance.

So basically when it comes up for you,

It's motivating you to seek support.

And again,

That can be that indication of what do I need to do differently to not continue to respond to the same things that happen in my life as stress,

Especially now,

Right?

During COVID,

The elections are coming up.

People are more stressed than ever.

I mean,

I know that so many parents also are now responsible for their children's education,

Especially with home cooling.

It's another layer of stress.

I forgot where I saw this,

Maybe on Instagram.

So we've all realized we're terrible first grade teachers.

Yeah.

I mean,

Really we can do a lot of things at first grade,

Second grade.

So again,

We've given,

I think a lot of information,

But I think everybody needs all of that,

Right?

Body,

Mind,

And spirit say,

Okay,

I am not going to engage with stress in the same ways that I have.

Now I do have one more idea that I want to discuss.

I just wanted to say one of the thoughts I came to mind as you were talking is if you take one thought away from this podcast,

It's be a zebra.

Yes.

Be your spirit animal.

I do have a question for you though.

But wait,

Can we,

Before we get to the question,

The last idea,

Because I do think it's really important and I do want to make sure we get to it.

And that's on radical kindness because we spoke a little bit about sharing and how that really helps get rid of anxiety and stress,

But it's something that's echoed by Kabbalists.

In many ways we're taught that kindness is so important and it's essential.

I love speaking about kindness,

But there's one teaching in particular that speaks directly to the way we live our lives on a daily basis and it's called Secret of Days.

And this- Secret of Days?

Yes.

Maybe I called it the Secret of Days,

But this quote comes from the Zohar,

The main Kabbalistic text,

And it says,

The righteous through actions of sharing give life to their days,

But those who live with the desire to receive the self alone,

Their day gives them life.

Rav Acha continued this teaching by saying,

There are certain people who are old,

Meaning who have lived many days,

But don't have their days and some might have their days,

But not their years.

So,

What does this really mean?

And it might seem off topic,

But I think again,

I think we need important and urgent reminders when we are kind of changing the way we view stress.

And I think this is a really sobering one.

So,

Days are so much more than how we think of them.

Everything has an energy and existence and a reality,

Including each day.

By giving life to our days,

We create positive energy that can manifest as blessings,

Opportunity,

And ultimately a long,

Vibrant life.

So,

Think of it this way.

Your day to day is here to give you life energy and without this day,

You wouldn't exist.

So,

From here,

Two things can happen.

You can deplete the energy of the day through worry,

Anxiety,

Stress,

Selfish actions.

And at the end of the day,

The day is dead.

Or you can share in that day.

And by doing so,

You put your energy into that day.

Because in each moment,

We're either depleting the day or giving an energy solely based on our consciousness,

Whether it's focused on sharing or giving or the desire to see the self alone.

So,

I love this because it really changed the way that I live my days.

That means that even if you start out your morning and you miss your alarm clock and then your whole day from that point on spirals and then you're late and then you're yelling at your kids to get out the door and so on and so forth,

And then you're just so stressed out and by the end of the day,

You really do want to go for a cocktail and have happy hour and just whatever.

There's nothing wrong with that.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

We're all good for a happy hour and a good cocktail.

But I think that when you think about this,

Then you can restart your day at any time and you can re-choose and you can shift your consciousness.

And just like that,

Stress is actually,

It doesn't need to come along as an enemy.

It can be a friend.

And again,

Especially since,

As we said before,

The understanding is that stress is a call to us.

I think even just reframing how we view stress rather than,

Oh God,

Why is this terrible thing happening to me now?

Then I'm saying,

Okay,

This is actually a positive message for me of transformation,

Of change rather than simply a negative experience that we might or might not have.

And also,

Absolutely.

And when it comes to sharing and kindness,

When you put yourself in somebody else's shoes,

When you think about how their life is or how their day is going and you start to think about ways that you can help them and offer kindness,

Compassion,

Empathy,

Whatever,

Then your worries,

Your stress,

Your chaos is not as important,

Right?

And that helps with the whole part of how we started the podcast with be silly,

Be light,

Be simple.

And go out of yourself,

Right?

That stress is often an effect of being too focused on myself rather than being focused on what I can do for others.

So before we end,

I'd like to ask you my question.

I have a feeling you didn't prepare a question.

I do have a question for you.

Do you want me to ask you my question?

Sure.

Okay,

Ask me your question.

Mine is relatively simple.

Share a- I'm sure it's the same question,

By the way.

But a recent time when you were stressed,

It doesn't have to be a happy story.

It could be a story where you weren't able to accept or- but a recent time you were stressed and how you reacted to it.

It could be a good story,

A bad story.

But see,

I think that when people look at us as a couple and they're listening to our podcast,

I think that they could probably imagine me getting more easily stressed than you,

I would say.

So it would probably be more interesting for everybody to hear me ask you this question and that you answer.

I'll answer it,

But I just- if we were with people right now and I asked them to raise their hand,

Unanimously they'd want to hear from you.

Every podcast,

I go through the time and effort to prepare a question.

I prepared a question.

Oh,

You did?

Okay.

Okay.

Let me answer.

Let me think about this now.

I have a question.

I might answer.

My question to you is not your question to me.

My question to you is what is the most stressful experience you have been through?

That's a good question.

Most stressful experience.

Well- Go deep,

Babe.

Well,

This is the one that comes to mind.

Well,

I would say,

As I mentioned earlier in the podcast,

Many of our listeners know that I'm responsible,

The director of the Kabbalah Center,

Which is an international organization.

And the past four or five years have been a very challenging time for the organization.

And it took a tremendous amount of effort and time from me and many nights of worry,

Stress.

And when you get stressed,

You get very quiet.

Yes,

You've noticed.

So it was a number of years with interspersed with very,

Very stressful times.

Because we were looking at the.

.

.

Thankfully now we're in a much better place.

We're looking at the growth of the organization.

But in those years it was looking at the survival of the organization.

And that's a tremendous responsibility when you have,

Again,

As I said,

Thousands of students all over the world and hundreds of teachers that you feel responsible for to make sure that the organization has the ability to survive.

Is a very,

Very stressful situation.

And I've shared with you,

I know you know this,

That there were nights where I was literally thinking about,

Stressing about what we need to do,

Changes we need to make in order to make sure that the organization survives.

And I actually have the opportunity often to speak with people about this,

Whether people who know the process that we've gone through and those who haven't,

That one of the reasons why I have such certainty in the spiritual work is that I know that there's no way that I would have been able to go through those years and for the most part be happy and excited even through those extremely stressful times,

If not for my spiritual study practice and this wisdom.

So for me,

We know that there are many reasons you go through any situation.

For me,

One of them,

One of the reasons I had to go through those stressful years is because I needed greater certainty in this path,

In my spiritual work,

In my spiritual foundation that I was able to actually use it practically during those very challenging times.

Yeah,

You did it.

You did it great.

Thank you.

And then again,

Good news again for our listeners and many of you know that in the past year,

We really turned a corner and not only is the Kabbalah Center survived,

But is now thriving and really reaching more and more students all over the world than we ever have.

So now to your first question,

Which was my question that you asked me to answer,

It was just a recent stressful situation.

That was your question to me?

Yeah.

So if you have one- It could be small or big.

Yeah,

It could be small.

I think small ones teach us more often than the big ones.

I'll share one.

It's funny because this was just last week.

We were,

This is kind of a running theme in some of our podcasts.

We had a dinner with friends in Los Angeles.

I think it was set for seven originally and then we were in the middle of meetings.

So we moved it to 730 and then we were being late.

We wound up being late for the 730.

And- Wait,

I was dressed.

That's not true.

Oh,

Really?

It wasn't.

Everything was- I was dressed.

Wasn't true,

Were you?

And I said,

Why don't you just go like that and you said no.

You're right.

You're right.

Yes.

And that was more my responsibility for being late.

Anyway,

We're in the car going to- Because I wouldn't have been late.

Therefore,

I wasn't stressed.

So in the car,

I literally felt that feeling you get when you're feeling stressed.

They're waiting for us in the restaurant and so on and so forth.

And then again,

I mean,

Actually,

I think we had a quick conversation about this.

At the end of the day,

Being stressed at this point does nothing positive.

So just this is coming from the creator for whatever reason because it's not like we were like home just like playing a game,

Right?

We were actually in important meetings and- But we also take people's time very seriously.

We do.

But having stress about it would have been pointless.

But now you did remind me because that same day,

This is my stress now.

I was leading a workshop for how many people?

200 people?

And we're like right in the middle of it.

And it's like people are opening up and it's steep.

And I was also scheduled.

I thought I would fit it all in.

You never know how deep people are going to go,

Right?

And then I was scheduled for a TV appearance in Universal Studios.

So it was like,

I mean,

That's in California,

But like 40,

What,

Like 30 minute drive.

And I knew I was leaving 15 minutes late because somebody was in the middle of talking.

I couldn't get up and I didn't want to get up,

Right?

And they're opening their heart and they're crying.

And I'm like,

Oh my God,

I'm going to be late if I don't get up now.

And I didn't get up.

I waited 15 minutes,

Got in the car.

So I drove like a bat out of hell.

And I'm starting to feel stressed.

And then I'm like,

You know what?

If they're upset or I even if it's TV,

Whatever,

It doesn't happen.

I was actually able to catch it because I don't want to feel like that anymore.

I think I put so much stress on myself my whole life.

I mean,

I had a great model in my father and my mother,

Honestly.

And we're middle Eastern.

I always say that,

But it's just like this culture of like,

Oh my God,

Everything is so important and everything.

You should get upset about everything and anything.

And it's just that feeling.

I mean,

Because I already put enough pressure on myself too.

So when I add on those external stressors,

I just can't.

So I was actually able to,

I mean,

I drove really fast.

But I didn't have that pit in my stomach like I used to get.

And I also was able to surrender.

Like if this doesn't happen and I look irresponsible or I don't get to do the segment,

You know what?

It's okay.

Because what I was doing,

Whatever made me late,

Actually,

I really believe in that too.

And that's it.

I'm doing my best.

Good work,

Monica.

Oh,

Thanks.

So before we end,

I'd like to share,

I know we asked,

I think it was the last podcast or the past podcast before we had some of our listeners to share some stories on kindness.

Their experiences.

So I thought it was really beautiful.

One of our listeners shared two stories from her children.

And so she shared about how a young child,

Last week after saving up $20,

He went to Starbucks because he wanted to buy pink drinks for himself and his siblings.

He came back empty handed.

And when I asked him what happened,

He said there was a homeless man.

So I gave it to him.

Oh,

That's so sweet.

I was curious and asked how come he didn't buy the drinks and then give him the change.

There would have been plenty left.

And he responded,

He needed the whole $20 more than I needed the drinks.

Oh,

So sweet.

Oh,

And I told him where he can go buy good snacks.

Very sweet.

Second.

She must be a proud mama.

That's so sweet.

Yes.

And so her oldest son received Yeezys,

Which are sneakers,

Right?

Which are very ridiculous.

She said ridiculously expensive.

I noticed that he's not wearing them to school.

And when I inquired about it,

He said,

A lot of the kids in my school don't have as much as,

And I don't want to flaunt and make them feel bad.

Again I cried.

She said,

She ends the letter with thank you for your light with gratitude.

Thank you.

Beautiful.

So thank you for sending these stories in this email.

And again,

To our listeners,

Please send us any stories,

Questions you want to share on stress or any of the topics that we've spoken about until now.

And please continue to send in questions,

Stories to monicaandmichaelatkabala.

Com.

Make sure you go to Apple podcasts,

Google podcasts,

Everywhere you get your podcasts and rate and share this podcast with as many people as you can.

As we often say,

We are inspired to keep doing this by you,

Our listeners,

By the stories that we hear from you.

And we ask that if you take anything from these podcasts and inspires,

Assists,

Teaches in any way,

Please share this with as many people as possible.

And also if there's topics you want us to talk about,

We're open to all things.

And we,

And again,

Even if we don't get to all the questions,

Much of our content is based on the questions we received.

So please continue to send in all questions and stories,

Monicaandmichaelatkabala.

Com.

And I hope you enjoyed this podcast as much as we enjoyed recording.

Bye.