60. Love More, Judge Less: How To Live A Life Of Compassion

Where we get trapped by judgment is when it's a crutch we lean on because we feel inadequate in some sense.

And I do think most judgments stem from that state of being or state of mind.

And nobody wants to admit that,

Right?

Negative thoughts arise when we measure ourselves against someone else and doubt our own self-worth.

Show me who is judging another person is lacking.

Show me a person who's judging,

I'll show you a person who lacks.

Show me a person who does not judge,

I'll show you a person who's fulfilled.

You never,

Ever,

Ever see something negative in another person so that you can change them.

The only reason you see something negative in another person is because there's an aspect of that in you and you need to change that.

In every situation in life,

We are given a choice.

We can either see somebody as separate from us or we can see them as exactly as we are doing our best,

Struggling just to figure things out.

Welcome,

Welcome.

We are back with Spiritually Hungry,

Episode 60.

60.

Hope everybody's having a great summer.

Well,

Kind of end of summer by the time people are listening to this.

Possibly.

Although some of our kids don't start school until September 13th.

So not sure what that is.

That's work and time off for kids.

So I am excited about this topic.

We are going to break the barriers of judgment today,

Hopefully.

So first,

Let's just talk about what,

You know,

Whenever we see judgment,

It's automatically negative.

But let's start actually in a neutral place because judgments are something that are things that we actually have to do every day in some aspect of our lives.

It's a natural part of our daily lives.

For instance,

At the market,

You don't do this so much,

But I do.

We sniff and we thumb.

Really sniffing and thumping?

Yes.

To figure out which is the best fruit.

Squeeze the avocado.

Absolutely.

When we make larger purchases like a car or home,

We might write pros and cons of why it's a good idea or a bad idea,

Which area we want to live in.

And in the efficacy of our judicial system,

It depends very much on who's judging,

Right?

What's fair,

What isn't.

Exactly.

So there is a space in life to judge.

So if that's the case,

Then why is it so bad?

Why do we recommend that it's not a good thing to do?

Well,

I think it's important.

Well,

I'm sure you'll say this,

But what type of judgment we're talking about.

Right.

Can you give me a little taste or intro?

A judgment is the sum of our thoughts,

Feelings and observations.

Again,

That's pretty neutral.

Our brain is forced to make tons of decisions every day.

Some are good,

Some are bad and some are neutral.

When we're driving,

We have to assess if it's safe to switch lanes before doing so.

We just did a road trip,

Right?

Washington from New York back and forth,

24 hours to drop our older daughter at her new school.

And yeah,

I did a lot of that,

Right?

And luckily I made good judgments.

For the most part.

For a very good part.

You got there in a very fast time.

That is true.

And strangely I might say.

Yes,

Yes.

So- All within the legal speed limit,

For sure.

And if we see somebody helping an older person perhaps across the street,

We might make a positive judgment of their character,

Right?

So this is something that we use every day and this is why we need to be aware of where we're at with it so we can make sure that we don't get into trouble with our judgments.

The problem is when we judge people,

Right?

We reduce them to a handful of characteristics.

You put them in some kind of box where now you have an opinion of them based on five or six things that you probably didn't like.

And usually I think that where we get trapped by judgment is when it's a crutch we lean on because we feel inadequate in some sense.

And I do think most judgments stem from that state of being or state of mind.

And nobody wants to admit that,

Right?

Negative thoughts arise when we measure ourselves against someone else and doubt our own self-worth,

Right?

And it could also be even subconsciously,

But- Yes.

For sure.

And for the most part it is,

I think,

For most people,

Right?

We judge the talents,

Characteristics,

Or even the blessings another person has in order to make ourselves feel better about our own lives or where we find ourselves,

Which ultimately ends up harming us.

In many,

Many ways.

So as you said,

I think it's important that we clarify at the outset what we're speaking about because I think the focus of our discussion today is what we believe are very detrimental,

Personally detrimental acts of judgment that we do towards other people.

And like you said,

In life,

Of course,

There are times we have to make decisions,

Whether it's to change a lane,

To marry somebody,

Or to buy a car.

All of those necessitate judgment.

But it would be a mistake to allow the maybe three to 5% of the times that we are using judgment when it is necessary to allow us to forget about the other 95 or 97% of the time that we're using judgment unnecessarily.

And I think that's probably the first key.

What is the reason that you're judging?

Is there a decision that you need to make?

Is there something different about your life that you have to decide one way or the other?

Let's be honest,

Especially what we're talking about today is the 95% of the time when judging another person negatively has no positive effect,

No necessary reason,

Just the human nature.

And no,

I think on some level it makes us feel better.

Yes,

Absolutely.

And where that stems from is not from a good place.

It stems from a place of lack.

It stems from a place of jealousy.

And judgment of yourself,

Actually.

Also judgment of yourself.

And one of the things that the Kabbalists say,

Which I think is so powerful,

Because what I hope that we accomplish for at least some of our listeners today is that they really,

Really take stock of their judgment.

And in the words of Bob Newhart that you often quote,

Stop it.

We can share about why it's so detrimental to ourselves.

But the reason I got really excited about recording this podcast today is because the world will become a better place by this podcast.

Again,

Whether it's one person or a thousand people or a hundred thousand people who change a little bit of their negative judgment towards other people,

This will change the world for the better.

I also don't think people realize how many relationships or connections that they're stopping from becoming something perhaps really powerful or important through judgment.

So for instance,

If we judge someone based on their upbringing,

Right?

A lot of people do this.

The first impressions,

As we say,

Is kind of everything.

You don't get a second chance to make a first impression,

Which is just another way of saying,

I am judging you.

By mentally labeling someone as spoiled,

We dismiss the notion that they can sometimes be selfless and sharing.

And that's the problem I really have with judgment because it's very one dimensional.

In fact,

We are all complex beings.

And that's not how we approach others,

Right?

So after,

Let's say,

A moment's observation,

We might think we've got someone figured out for the most part and we don't leave much room to be proven otherwise.

In truth,

We have no idea if the person helping that old lady across the street is a good Samaritan or if he's in the moments robbing her blind.

You really just don't know,

Right,

But based on your feeling or based on your past or based on your ideals of what life should be like,

Right?

You are missing out on actually many truths,

Opportunities,

Moments of connection just because you believe the first thought you actually have.

So I would say there's two points that we've spoken about,

We've touched upon that I think are really important to underscore.

First,

As the Kabbalists teach,

Our facility to judge on the person is predicated on our places of lack or darkness.

To the extreme that a person who is 100% happy with their lives and 100%,

I was going to use the word spiritual,

Or a giving person,

He or she will never see negativity in another person.

That's the extreme.

None of us are there.

I think it's an important guidepost.

If you are 100% fulfilled and or 100% spiritual,

A good person,

You will not see negativity in another person.

So if you really accept that,

That means that today you're going to look at that guy you just met or that woman who just cut you off,

Whatever you're going to do,

Stop and say,

Remind yourself,

Where is this ability coming from?

We all have a different ability.

Some of us can play basketball,

Some of us can drive cars really well like you,

And some of us can judge.

I think it's really fast.

Yes,

Fast too.

And some of us can judge.

Where does that come from?

Let's be very,

Very clear.

When we judge another person in a negative way,

Especially again in the 95% of the time it's unnecessary because it's not a decision that I have to make,

It is coming from the worst part of you.

What's interesting is as you're speaking,

I remember this example that actually happened.

A few years ago we were praying in a room,

It was like a spiritual connection,

And there were three of us sitting in a row on a bench.

And this girl walked in,

And I didn't notice anything,

Right?

So there's three of us.

So the person next to me looked at this girl.

She was dressed kind of provocatively and I guess they were judging her.

And she kind of made a face.

The girl next to her said,

Hey,

Don't judge.

And then she saw me look and just turn and she brought this to my attention.

She said,

It's interesting.

She said about herself,

I looked and I judged.

Why is she dressed like that here?

And then she said,

And the person next to me said,

Don't judge.

And she said,

And you looked and you didn't even notice anything.

And I'm not saying that to make myself look good,

But I think it's really interesting.

And actually that stuck with me and I'll tell you why.

Any time in life after that that I found myself doing anything less than,

I was like,

Okay,

You're falling spiritually on some level if you saw it any other way.

And I think that's how strict we need to be with ourselves and how much we need to expect of ourselves when we interact with anything in this world or any person,

Anything,

Any being.

Absolutely.

And I think again,

When I'm trying to give across a very practical tool,

If you realize that when you are judging another person,

You are attaching yourself,

You are connecting yourself to a dark force,

To a negative place.

So forget about whether it's the wrong thing to do for that person because you're misjudging them.

Just think about yourself.

When you judge another person,

You are attaching yourself to a dark place,

To a negative place.

Do you want to do that?

No,

Because we think- And so let's unpack that verse.

You're attaching yourself to a negative place because you're looking for the darkness,

Not necessarily that you found it.

You found it because somehow your current state allows you to find negativity in another person.

That action,

That action of finding negativity and therefore judging another person necessarily means that you are now attaching yourself to darkness.

So let me explain that a little bit more.

In our world generally,

There are two forces.

There's what we call a force of light and a force of darkness.

There is another terminology,

Forces that are making the world better or building the world and then there are forces that are destroying.

People can fall into that category.

Things can fall into that category.

Things destroy.

So if you look at the world,

Understand that they're always at play.

One of these two forces,

Either a force that is building,

Creating or a force that is destroying and one of them is light and one of them is darkness.

Now our choice in life is which of those two forces am I going to connect to?

Which of those two forces will I live my life manifesting?

So again,

When I make decisions that are to give to other people,

To share with other people,

I am attaching myself to that force of life,

To that force of building,

To that force of building,

Of giving.

When I do actions that are hurtful to other people,

When I do actions that are even hurtful to myself,

I am consciously or unconsciously attaching myself,

Partnering myself with the force of darkness of this world.

It's kind of like- With the force of destruction of this world.

If you were going to throw mud at somebody,

Whether you hit them with the mud or you didn't,

You're tainted by that action,

You're tainted by that mud and you won't see it in the moment,

Right?

You're like,

Oh,

I didn't really hit them.

No harm,

No foul.

But in fact,

You are now tainted.

You're affected by it.

And actually,

And I want to point this out because again,

For me,

What hopefully our listeners will receive is great desire,

Inspiration,

Impetus to change this very natural,

Ingrained nature of each one of us.

The next time that you are looking at somebody or hearing about somebody and you had the inclination to judge,

Stop.

Not because you're suddenly a great person who cares,

I shouldn't be doing this.

It's not fair to that other person.

It's not fair to you.

Because what you are going to do by allowing yourself to judge and have those thoughts going on in your head and maybe manifest in words,

But at least in thought,

You are attaching yourself to the force of darkness.

You are attaching yourself to the force that destroys this world.

Who wants to do that?

But by the way,

Then it's a vicious cycle because then you just get more and more of what you don't want.

Exactly.

And the second point,

Which is very much related to this is that,

And this is again,

Both Kabbalistically true,

But also I've seen this in reality.

Anybody who is judging another person is lacking.

Show me a person who's judging.

I'll show you a person who lacks.

Show me a person who does not judge.

I'll show you a person who's fulfilled.

And merciful,

Right?

I want to talk about mercy because that's the opposite of being judgmental,

Right?

And if you want more mercy in your life,

Which is basically light in the moments of darkness,

Then you really need to be able to awaken that constantly.

It's that same thing that you were sharing earlier.

What you look for is what you're actually going to grow.

That's a very important point.

And I want to hear what you have to say about mercy,

But as we behave,

This is one of the most fundamental spiritual rules.

As we behave,

So the universe or the creator or the light of the creator,

However you desire to call it,

That force will behave towards you.

It's that simple.

If you are not merciful towards other people,

Which means you are judgmental,

That is absolutely what's going to happen to you.

There's that famous phrase,

Don't judge lest you be judged.

But that's the reality.

It's not God who's going to judge me.

It's the fact that if I am going to be a judgmental person,

I will be judged harshly.

So mercy or being merciful,

Most importantly,

Therefore not judging is one of the best things,

One of the best gifts that I can give to myself.

Well,

It's interesting because,

And I've shared this with you and I'm a type A personality.

And I haven't noticed.

Being a Virgo,

Virgos are known to be more judgmental than most because they can see what's.

.

.

I haven't noticed that either.

Well,

You wouldn't notice it because I've elevated that aspect of my being,

But because they can see a picture and see what's wrong with it,

They often think that they are right in their assessments,

Which really is a nice way of saying judgments.

So I remember when I really started my spiritual path over 30 years ago,

I was judgmental,

But the person I judged most harshly and severely was myself.

And also I was judged a lot.

I've always been judged my whole life.

And so now when I even hear that word,

It's kind of like,

I'm a little bit allergic to it.

But I've worked very hard not to be that person anymore.

And I realized that it had to start with me not judging myself anymore.

Once I actually started to be kind to myself and merciful,

Then I was able to,

Even the things that I didn't like about myself,

I was able to accept them and then move past it quickly or choose change or choose another way.

And then therefore,

When I saw behaviors in other people,

It wasn't them or me.

There was no separation.

It was just states.

And we often talk about this idea that there's no coincidences.

So if that's the case,

Why often do we have people in our lives where all we see are faults in them or what's wrong with them when we judge them?

I think that if anybody right now,

Any of our listeners stop and say,

Okay,

I'm going to think about somebody in my life,

What's one person that I judge?

And I'm justified in judging them because they're mean or my in-law is smothering to my husband,

Whatever the story is.

And so we feel righteous in our opinion,

But the Kabbalists teach that it's easy to see shortcomings in others.

It's almost impossible for an individual to see the shortcomings in themselves.

And I love this idea because in order to change and grow,

We know we need to be able to see what's wrong in ourselves.

Especially this time of year coming to Rosh Hashanah,

It's the new year in the lunar calendar.

And we talk about cleaning the slate,

Right,

To really repent or repair for things of our past.

And of course,

Judgment's a big one that comes up for many people.

So we know that we want to change and transform,

But how can we do that if we can't see our faults,

If we're not capable of it?

So that is why we are given endless mirrors in each of us to allow us to see what we need to change.

So these mirrors are basically the people in our lives day to day.

When we see how they are flawed,

It's actually,

There's nothing wrong with them.

We are seeing that in them.

It's an opportunity just to see what's in ourselves.

And I really love this simple story that illustrates this lesson.

It's a kabbalistic story.

You've told it before,

But I just think it's kind of funny and very accurate.

So a man spends all of his days in a coal mine and his entire body and face are filthy.

When he comes home,

He sees a mirror his wife has just bought.

He looks in the mirror and he sees his reflection.

It's dirty.

So he takes a rag and he starts to clean the mirror.

He tries and he tries with all his might,

But his face still remains dirty.

Well,

The reflection,

The person he sees.

Correct.

Of course this man is acting like a fool.

It's not the mirror,

But it's his own reflection,

His own filth,

Right?

That he can't wipe away.

And that's the thing.

The things,

The flaws,

Perceived flaws we see in other people is really just a reflection of what is within us that needs to change.

And that's a hard pill to swallow for anybody's actually,

If you do the exercise that just said where you think about who's the one person in your life worthy of being judged,

Right?

Because of X,

Y,

And Z.

If you actually understand their mirror,

And this is why with all the work that I do with couples relationships are your biggest opportunity for growth and transformation for this exact reason.

I think that's such a profound story.

As you said,

I do share it a lot because it really hopefully completely upends the permission we give ourselves.

If you realize,

And this is the Kabbalistic teaching from that,

That you never,

Ever,

Ever see something negative in another person so that you can change them.

The only reason you see something negative in another person is because there's an aspect of that in you and you need to change that.

That's a big dramatic shift.

It sounds small.

It sounds like,

Okay,

Yeah,

It's a nice idea,

But still that person does X,

Y,

And Z.

And my source of unhappiness is their unwillingness to actually change their flaws as I view them.

And again,

I want to just quickly go back to what we said in the beginning.

If you're in a relate,

But here's an example,

There are certain times about three to 5% of the time that it actually doesn't influence you.

95% of the time we're judging,

It doesn't even influence me.

It's just,

It feels good.

I liked it,

Whatever those reasons are.

But I want to just again,

Repeat what I said before,

Which is a Kabbalistic truth that again,

I know we strive to live in our lives.

You never,

Ever,

Ever see something negative in another person for the purpose of making them better.

The only reason you are shown the worst things and the really small bad things is because there's an aspect of that in me and I'm being shown that as a favor,

As a gift,

As an assistance to realize about me.

I mean,

Really it's a faulty mirror.

You need to be aware that you are everyday.

It's a perfect mirror.

Well,

When you actually understand what's going on,

But the way we view it day to day is a faulty mirror.

You're trying to clean the mirror and forgetting that the only reason the mirror exists is to look,

To see what you look like.

No,

I love this example because honestly,

Every time we walk by a mirror,

Let that be a reminder day to day.

And how stupid,

And again,

I want to go,

I really think again,

With all due respect to myself,

To Monica and to our listeners,

How stupid we are when we do that.

And to be clear,

I want to just add another element to this.

It doesn't mean that if I see somebody or hear about somebody or read about somebody who murdered somebody else,

Then I'm a murderer.

I hopefully,

None of our listeners are murderers.

But for example,

There is a teaching that when you embarrass somebody in public,

It's an element of murdering them.

Right?

So it doesn't- I like that one.

Let's talk about that for a second.

When you embarrass somebody?

Well,

Just to finish the point that the reason why,

For example,

You read about somebody who murdered somebody else,

Certainly it's not to judge them because you're not involved in their life,

But it's because there's some element of that,

Meaning you've killed aspects of people.

You've embarrassed,

For example,

Kabbalistically,

Embarrassing people in a great way is an element,

Right?

It's a taste of death.

So just to be clear,

When we say that everybody and everything that we see is just as a mirror,

It doesn't mean that exactly as they behave,

So I behave,

But rather that if I really ask,

Okay,

Why did I see this person treat their mother badly?

And why did it bother me as much as it did?

Because you can see things that people do.

It's not going to bother each of us in the same way.

Right.

And the answer is there's some element of that,

Some element.

And my job,

What will make my life better is not by now having a negative opinion of them,

But asking myself,

What element of what I just saw is in me?

That is the only reason.

And in the 1920s,

What is the foundation of the Kamala Center began.

And it was begun by,

It was three generations ago,

My father's teacher's teacher,

Ravi Uda Ashlight.

But in the 1960s,

Brad White,

My father's teacher,

Explained to him why they created this spiritual organization.

And he said something very simple,

Profound,

And hopefully inspiring for all of us.

That they saw that even people who were studying spirituality,

Especially people,

And this is such a trap.

We often separate religion from spirituality,

But whether it's a religious practice,

Certainly if it's a spiritual practice,

It can often become a tool of judgment.

Oh,

I'm such an evolved person.

I'm such a giving.

He or she is not the.

.

.

So what he said at the entire foundation of this spiritual organization was the fact that they saw that people were using spiritual wisdom for separation,

For judgment.

And therefore they wanted to find a way.

How can we awaken people to understand this simple fact?

That the only reason we exist and the only reason we study things or see things is to see how I need to change and grow.

That's it.

That's it.

So I want to bring back,

We touched upon it for a second,

But this idea of mercy.

And I often quote him,

David Foster Wallace,

And he had spoken about this in his commencement speech,

Which became a book.

And he gives this example.

So this guy walks into a bank and the bank teller seems distracted and the person needs to keep repeating themselves and what they want and the bank teller's just not getting it.

And he's thinking,

Did they hire such an idiot working at this bank?

Wasting my time,

He's incompetent,

What a moron.

He's not even interested in what he's doing.

They should fire him.

A minute later,

The bank teller walks away and the manager comes and he says,

I'm so sorry for his distraction.

He just found out that his family got in a car accident,

His wife's on life support,

His child's in intensive care.

And he goes on and gives some other examples,

But the point is that in every situation in life,

We are given a choice.

We can either see somebody as separate from us or we can see them as exactly as we are doing our best,

Struggling just to figure things out.

We're all doing the best we can.

And of course that varies to different degrees,

Depending on how you live your life or how much effort you put into spiritual work or to kindness and giving.

But at the end of the day,

You do have a choice.

You can see everybody as somebody who is opposite from you,

Is a problem,

Judging them,

Seeing what's wrong,

Or you can see them as just like you.

Right?

And that's what we fail to do.

And I think it's one of the biggest tricks of this world.

We are conditioned in life to see people either as a helper or as a hinderer,

Either as something that's positive or negative.

And there's no black and white.

There's always gray.

What really helped me get past judgment,

As I said earlier,

Was to start giving people the benefit of the doubt.

It might be this,

As I see with my limited senses,

Or it could be this.

Right?

And I've given this example before,

But I used to drive when we lived in California.

I drove past the street on sunset every single day.

I was on the way to my exercise.

And I saw this woman walking with a sign every single day in the heat for hours.

It didn't matter what time of the day I drove there,

Help feed my five children,

Homeless,

Whatever.

And after looking every day,

And I get stuck at that light.

So I had time to ponder this.

I think,

Clearly she's able,

She's walking for hours back and forth in the heat,

And she looks pretty healthy.

She really can't get a job.

And then I remember thinking,

Maybe her husband just died.

Maybe she never worked a day in her life.

Maybe this is her best.

So every time I looked at her,

I really tried to awaken mercy instead of what my five senses were telling me otherwise.

And in doing that,

I actually never judged her again,

But it was another one of those moments in my life where I am not going to allow myself to do that to anybody else.

It's interesting.

Tara Brock,

She's a psychologist and she uses a story,

Which I think again,

The reason all these stories are important again,

Because hopefully they'll give us a way to do it.

The reminders.

Yeah.

So she uses the example of a person that's here walking through a forest and you see a little cute dog,

Right?

So you're feeling like,

Oh,

So cute.

And you go ahead and try to pet it and then he bites you.

So now you're angry at the dog or the mean dog or a bad dog,

Right?

And then as he moves a little bit,

You realize that he's stuck in a trap.

And now again,

Hopefully you're feeling compassion towards him.

So three emotions,

Right?

Oh,

How cute,

How wonderful.

Oh,

How terrible.

I hate him.

What a mean dog.

Oh,

Wow,

Poor dog.

Let me see what I can do to help.

And the idea of all that is just,

And it goes to your point of why it's so important to show mercy because judgment is one of the stupidest things we can do.

It is one of the most egotistical things we can do because what you're saying when you're judging another person,

I know everything there is to know about him or her.

I know everything that there is to know and therefore I can judge.

Not just that.

And I don't like what I'm saying.

And I'm in a better situation than you,

Therefore I am better than you.

That is judgment.

And that's why it makes me really angry because it's just so,

It's not based on any truth.

And it's based on stupidity.

I think that's the point.

I think it's based on a lot of things,

Quite honestly.

Your past,

Your fears,

A ton of things,

Right?

Judge.

But I would,

Again,

Maybe it's extreme,

But I do think it's important for us to realize saying this about myself,

When you were judging another person,

We're being stupid.

We're being stupid because that thought that I know everything there is to know about this person and I therefore can come to a conclusion about them,

Right?

You can say,

Like today I did something that wasn't so kind or that today that person did something that wasn't so kind.

That's one thing.

But to say,

Oh,

Now this person is an unkind person.

I have made that judgment.

Again,

That necessitates the stupidity of my ego telling me I know everything there is to know about this person and therefore I can decide who and what they are.

That is one of the stupidest things that we do.

And unfortunately we do it all the time,

But it's important,

I think,

To understand how stupid it is,

How stupid it is.

And I would add one more element again,

Because I think when we're being inspired to do something,

Or in this case,

Not to do something,

There's another very important spiritual teaching.

And it says that we know that one of the basic rule in life is that is the rule of cause and effect.

If I behave negatively towards another person,

Negativity will ultimately enter into my life.

If I behave positively towards other people,

Ultimately positive things will come into my life.

That's the basic rule.

We all,

All of us who are awakened spiritually,

See this in action and understand it.

There's one caveat and that is,

And this is really an amazing thing that Cabell is saying,

No negativity created by something that I've done will ever come back into my life unless I judge somebody else for that same thing.

That's scary as anything.

That's all we need to say goodbye.

Exactly.

So for example,

For example,

I know you love the,

You want to use the examples,

Which I've never done of slapping somebody.

So let's say I go over to somebody and slap them in the face,

Right?

So I have now created negative energy that unfortunately,

Or fortunately,

If you want to see it because of the laws of cause and effect,

That will come back into my life in some way as a negative experience.

Not yet.

Something else has to happen.

I have to see somebody who,

Let's say slaps another person,

Judge them negatively or even say the words,

That is terrible that this person just slapped somebody else.

And then,

And only then will the effect of my own slapping come back into my life.

So powerful.

If you want to protect yourself,

If you want to protect yourself from even the effects of your own negative actions,

Never judge another person because,

And this is such an important understanding,

No effect of my own actions will ever come back into my life unless I judge somebody else about that same or similar action.

It's so scary.

It's so powerful.

Yeah.

But on the positive side,

And again,

To the extreme,

If you never,

Ever judge another person negatively,

If you never,

Ever use negative words of judgment towards another person,

You will never have to experience the negative effects of your own actions.

If you are experiencing the negative effects of your own actions,

It's because you,

I,

We have judged another person for such actions or similar actions.

So interesting is when people find themselves in chaos or in those moments where they actually,

You know,

Because again,

Imagine,

Right?

Somebody said something negative and then there's a time where everything is kind of like fine this and you,

And then when chaos hits,

You forget actually what you put into motion,

Which could have been three months ago.

Let's say you did something negative,

Right?

And then three months later,

Now you're judging something harshly,

Speaking badly,

And then boom,

Chaos,

Chaos,

Chaos,

And they don't actually connect it.

Why is this happening to me?

What did I do?

I'm a good person.

I'm a sharing person.

I'm a giving person.

How could it be?

And it's interesting as we actually don't connect those.

And funnily enough,

What I often do is that I look for ways to like,

Like I get really excited if I'm walking down the street and somebody needs help and I,

And I'm able to like see it.

Cause I,

I know that often many need help and I don't see it.

So when I actually see somebody and they rush over and like,

Do you need help?

And when they say yes,

Cause sometimes people probably think I'm creepy.

I'm so excited because I know that there are things that I've done or ways that I've hurt people that maybe I didn't even intend to,

Or I wasn't aware of,

Or I didn't connect.

And you'll need those kinds of like bonuses that I call them to make sure you're going to be okay.

Really.

You know what I mean?

Beautiful.

And again,

I think to underscore this idea,

One of the most dangerous things that we can do for ourselves is judging other people.

And one of the greatest ways to protect ourselves,

Ourselves is by fighting the inclination to judge another person.

That's very important.

And I want to,

You know,

I think I share this in one of the previous podcasts,

One of my more favorite books is Fundamentals by Frank Wilczek,

A Nobel prize winning physicist.

And he speaks about the idea,

Which he says is both scientifically,

But more importantly in our relations with other people,

He calls it the law or the theory of complementarity,

Which is the idea to understand that what I see isn't all that there is,

And even if I see something,

The opposite might also be true.

So I'll just read a few lines,

Which I think is so important because I know hopefully our listeners are inspired by the spiritual teachings,

But also sometimes it's important to hear a scientific foundation or support of what we're talking about.

So complementarity,

This is chapter 10 in Fundamentals.

I've mentioned this book before.

I do strongly recommend reading it.

It's a beautiful book on many levels.

Complementarity in its most basic form is the concept that one single thing when considered from different perspectives can seem to have very different or even contradictory properties.

Complementarity is an attitude towards experience and problems that I have found eyeopening and extremely helpful.

It has literally changed my mind.

Through it,

I've become larger,

More open to imagination and more tolerant.

Now I'd like to explore with you the mind expanding insights of complementarity as I understand them.

The world is simple and complex,

Logical and weird,

Lawful and chaotic.

Fundamental understanding does not resolve these dualities.

Indeed,

As we have seen it highlights and deepens them.

You can't do justice to physical reality without taking complementarity to heart.

Humans too are wrapped in dualities.

We are tiny and enormous,

Ephemeral and long lasting,

Knowledgeable and ignorant.

You can't do justice to the human condition without taking complementarity to heart.

Yeah,

I love that.

So again,

When we look at ourselves as we said,

But more importantly,

When we're looking out into the world,

How stupid,

Egotistical and dangerous is it to judge other people negatively?

Yeah,

There's a form of therapy,

Psychotherapy kindred to cognitive behavioral therapy.

It's called acceptance and commitment therapy.

So it states that humans can evaluate just about anything in infinite ways and yet fail to see that this process is arbitrary and not a property of nature.

For example,

A rose is a rose regardless of whether you call it beautiful,

Ugly,

Precious,

Et cetera.

We usually don't see things for what they are.

We see through the lens of our mind,

Through the meaning we've assigned and the story we've decided to tell ourselves.

And when you look at it that way,

You really can't take your judgments,

Your thoughts seriously because you have to see what's informing them.

Absolutely.

And I think that,

And that goes back to what we said at the very beginning.

The people I think that are the most judgmental are the ones that feel lack,

But what does that mean?

It's the ones that don't really know themselves.

They don't really love themselves enough.

Therefore they can't decipher between what is real and what is not real in their thinking.

They take seriously every thought,

Even judgment that they have.

Absolutely.

And interesting because we are blessed in many ways and one of those that we get to meet a lot of people and have relationships with a lot of people.

And one of the things that it's certainly been borne out in practice is that the worst friends or I don't know if you can even call them friends.

I don't know where you're going with that.

But the people that you don't want to be close to are the judgmental ones and the ones that you do want to be close to.

And then we actually had a dinner a few weeks ago,

We asked the question,

What makes a relationship,

But really what makes a good friend?

And I think at the top of that list or towards the top of that list would be somebody who does not judge you.

Not because she never do anything wrong because we all do things wrong all the time.

But there are people who are not fighting that nature.

And certainly as it relates to friends,

The greatest friend and you know we have a friend who uses this example again,

It's extreme,

Is that she said,

You know,

She was talking about her and her husband's relationship.

It's in my book.

Oh,

It's in your book.

Exactly.

The one that you read cover to cover.

Exactly.

And for our listeners who haven't please run out and buy Rethink Love by Monica Berg on Amazon or wherever you get your books.

That when,

What they said,

For example,

They believe neither of them has ever murdered.

They're British and I think it's- Is that if they came home and said,

I just killed somebody,

The spouse would not say,

Oh my heavens,

How could you do that?

But rather,

Okay,

Where's the body?

You know,

What can we do?

And was that the right- I said a little bit more eloquently,

But yes,

That's roughly the code.

But I think we've spoken about different reasons why it's so dangerous and stupid and wrong to be a judgmental person.

It also makes you a terrible friend.

You want to have friends?

You want to be a good friend.

You want to have relationships?

Be good in relationships.

And one of the most important things is stop judging other people negatively.

Not because they don't do anything wrong,

Because we all do things that are wrong,

But just because it'll make you a terrible,

Terrible friend.

And I also think that we have to help our listeners get to the source of,

Again,

Why they go to those places.

Brene Brown actually spoke on this and I really liked this.

She said,

Research tells us that we judge people in areas where we're vulnerable to shame,

Especially picking folks who are doing worse than we're doing.

And I think that's really true.

It makes us feel better.

Exactly.

If I feel good about my parenting,

I have no interest in judging other people's choices.

If I feel good about my body,

I don't go around making fun of other people's weight or appearance.

We're harder on each other because we're using each other as a launching pad out of our own perceived shaming deficiency.

And this mirrors what Kabbalists say in that we can catch our judgments towards others and stop it in the tracks and use instead tools to be able to see where we need to grow and change ourselves more.

So if we're compassionate and accepting ourselves and what we want to change,

Then we can replace that,

Right?

All that shame or that judgment with love,

With kindness,

Rather than being immersed in the other negative aspect of it.

So I think that before you judge,

Think,

Right?

T-H-I-N-K.

Think.

Is it true?

H,

Is it helpful?

I,

Is it inspiring?

N,

Is it necessary?

And K,

Is it kind?

And I think if you actually ask yourselves before you have the thought or as you're having this,

Certainly before you share it,

Right?

Just think,

Is it true?

Is it helpful?

Is it inspiring?

Is it necessary?

Is it kind?

So I want to give our listeners five short tools.

I know his eyes,

For those of you who can't see him bulging out,

I know time,

Time,

Time,

But it's short.

And they're actually rooting that I will give them these tools.

I'm sure they are.

Because we all need help to be reminded of this.

First is remember that everyone's experience is unique.

We can never fully understand someone else's circumstance,

Nor can we predict how we would react if we walked in their shoes.

Very powerful.

And that's,

I mean,

That's the,

You know,

There's a famous- Well,

If you add commentary now,

It's going to be a longer list.

I'm sure our listeners will mind.

Oh,

Okay.

Now we have time.

There is a famous quote that says you should never judge your fellow man until you are in their place.

Until you are in their shoes.

Right.

And yeah,

It's often,

Again,

Quoted in that way until you walk a mile in their shoes.

But the real effect of that statement is the fact that you can never judge because you will never be in their place.

You never know how you would react.

Absolutely.

I mean,

That's why when people are like,

Oh my God,

You know,

He was fine for 20 years and then he killed this so-and-so,

I would never do that.

I am always like,

You know.

No,

No,

No.

Because my point,

And I really do stand by that,

You never know what you would do if you were pushed to the brink of whatever they were.

Yeah,

Because human nature is human nature.

I think people are capable of anything.

Yeah,

Says the guy that talks about slapping people.

That's a little bit better than murdering people.

Okay,

Two,

Listen and learn,

Michael.

Writer Andrew Solomon said,

It's nearly impossible to hate anyone whose story you know.

I think that is so powerful.

Although we've met a few people who can.

Yes.

Yeah,

I guess you're right.

I mean,

This quote speaks to me.

Yes.

When we're faced with a circumstance that we don't understand or that makes us uncomfortable,

There's an opportunity for us to learn and grow.

Simply listening to someone's story and trying to understand where they are,

I think that's the key,

Right?

Where they're coming from can expand your point of view,

But you have to want to understand where they're coming from.

Just hearing the story when you're all they care and you want to continue judging them,

Of course,

It's not going to impact you.

True.

Three,

Look for the positive.

When we judge someone,

We're focused on what we consider their negative qualities.

Instead of criticizing,

Try looking at their positive attributes.

What are they doing right?

What are their best characteristics?

So I would say for every negative that you see in a person,

Quickly,

If you can,

Think of five or 10 positive things.

And again,

This is something that I think is so important in all things,

But certainly when it comes to hopefully diminishing our judgment towards others,

Every single person is made up of good and bad.

Every single situation is made up of good and bad.

You,

I,

Our listeners,

Every single one of us.

It's always a matter of degrees.

Some people are 55% good,

45% bad.

Some people are more of one less of the other.

But when you realize that there are no perfect people,

The question is what part of them are you focusing on?

And judgment simply means I choose to look.

Even if they're 95% good and 5% bad,

Judgment means I want to focus on the 5%.

There are no perfect people.

There are no perfect situations.

No,

But none of us are perfect.

We're all a mixture.

We're all human beings and having a mixture of experience.

And therefore the only judgment is not an indication of who they are,

But an indication of the fact that you've chosen to focus on the negative.

So you're liking my list.

I do.

Very,

Very good.

I'm so happy we got to hear it.

Four,

Question yourself.

When someone rubs you the wrong way,

There's a reason.

Instead of condemning them,

Look at yourself and ask,

Why does this bother me so much?

Often the things we don't like about other people are a reflection of our own issues or insecurities,

Which we covered.

So again,

I really,

And there's one more.

Don't try to change people,

Focus,

Change inward.

Let people have room to be who they are.

I love that statement.

The things you might not like about someone may be the very things they're already working on.

Benefit of the doubt,

Right?

So again,

The five are one,

Remember that everyone's experience is unique.

Two,

Listen and learn.

Three,

Look for the positive.

Four,

Question yourself.

And five,

Don't try to change people,

Focus,

Change inward.

Nice.

As I said,

I'm so excited with this podcast.

I tried to rush that Michael,

Is it fast enough for you?

I'm sorry.

Now our listeners are going to complain to me.

But because judgment is one of the worst things we can do to ourselves.

It's also not good for the world.

It's also not good for the people we judge,

But it's one of the worst things that we can do for ourselves.

If our listeners are inspired,

And this is hard work by the way,

By the way,

Listening to a podcast of even being inspired for the duration of this podcast doesn't do anything.

It's going to take a lot of work for every one of us.

Consistent effort.

A lot of consciousness,

A lot of thought to really break this very natural reaction that we have to judge.

But if you really take in the fact that it is one of the most damaging things that we can do to ourselves,

Hopefully that'll give us enough of a desire and impetus to really start cutting down on how we allow ourselves in judging other people.

And you'll feel so much better and so much happier.

And it will be a real indication that you are changing into the person you probably want to be.

One that is loving yourself and is secure and confident and happy.

That's a very important point.

Probably one of the best gauges of how you are developing as a human being and how you're growing spiritually is how less judgy you are.

Yeah.

A thousand percent.

All righty.

Do we have a letter?

We do have a letter.

Michael,

Give our.

.

.

Yes,

We are reading a letter today.

Good morning,

Monica.

Oh,

See,

I knew it.

I'm in Australia,

As you may or may not be aware,

We are in lockdown.

Why didn't you say hi to you?

I don't know because you get the list and everybody loves the list.

That is fine as I am one of the lucky ones being able to work from home,

Which I'm currently doing.

While doing certain tasks,

I enjoy listening to your podcasts full of inspiration and guidance for life.

As I am up to date,

I decided to start again from the beginning of your podcast.

And so this morning it was episode one,

June 1st,

2020.

What are we talking about?

Loving change and letting go of reactive behavior.

Well,

This was not a coincidence.

I needed to listen to this one for so many reasons.

Thank you for your amazingly spiritual guidance and also the essential steps we need to take through our journey of life.

I have been very reactive without even being aware of it.

And my gorgeous daughter brought it to my attention.

In parentheses,

We have a deal.

If there is something we don't like the other is doing,

True love means pointing it out and not taking offense,

Which is what we do.

I have been really proud of myself working through my response in situations involving those around me,

Who I love so much.

Your guidance is so helpful,

Simple,

And it works.

Finally,

Monica,

You finished this episode referring to how your father spent too much time worrying and becoming reactive.

Turned out of genuine love.

That is exactly what I've been doing with my daughter who is suffering with situations in her life.

I don't tell her what to do,

But rather worry so much about how she may be hurt,

Injured or the like.

My daughter is never hurt,

Injured,

Or hopefully will be,

And I need to take you on board your advice and let it be.

My daughter is a smart,

Sensible,

And wise woman who needs to make her own mistakes,

Fall and pull herself up,

And then grow with every situation in her life.

Thank you for building the awareness in me and forever grateful for these wonderful podcasts in my life.

If these podcasts could be in the school system curriculum,

I feel they would do so much for mental health issues,

Both for students and their parents.

Thank you again so very much,

Margaret.

Thank you.

I like that.

Yes.

And now I know why you wanted me to read it.

It's all about you.

I didn't,

But by the way,

I never read the letters.

You make me look bad.

I couldn't if I tried.

You were going to judge me.

As always,

Please make sure to support this podcast by going to Apple podcasts,

Giving five star,

Writing great reviews,

Sharing with all your friends and family,

Especially this podcast,

Which I know is going to bring light into this world and make our world a better place,

Even if just a few of our listeners really take it to heart.

But again,

Do everything you can to support this podcast.

Continue to send your letters as you see,

We read them questions,

Comments,

Topics,

Please send them in.

Even though we don't get to all of them,

We certainly read all of them and are inspired by them.

So please make sure you continue sending them and certainly your stories of inspiration and growth from them.

And as always,

I hope you enjoyed listening to this podcast as much as we enjoyed recording.