89. The Courage To Authentically Be: 7 Ways to Embrace Vulnerability As A Superpower

You need to be able to know your own story,

Your own struggles,

Your victories,

Your gifts,

And your worst tendencies,

And accept them all as integral parts of what makes you you.

Welcome to the spiritually hungry podcast,

Episode 89.

Yay!

Back in 2013,

Jennifer Lawrence accepted her Academy Awards with grace and gave an eloquent acceptance speech,

But only after she tripped her way up the stairs to the stage.

Do you remember that?

Yes.

It was the kind of moment that nightmares are made of.

Up here was showing up for your final you didn't study for,

Or ending up in public naked,

Although I'm not really sure who that's happened to.

Well,

The famous king from the king's new clothes.

The emperor has no clothes.

It was utter vulnerability in the spotlight on live TV in front of millions of people,

40.

3 million to be precise.

Yeah,

A funny thing happened afterward.

She became America's sweetheart.

When she made it to the lectern to a standing ovation,

She said,

You guys are just standing because I tripped on the stairs and that's really embarrassing.

Her ability to show her embarrassment,

Laugh about it,

And ultimately recover from it instantly earned her a spot on the most likable celebrities list.

A year later,

She tripped again.

Oh,

Is that true?

I didn't know that.

On a cone while walking on the red carpet to enter the 2014 Academy Awards.

She immediately burst into laughter.

I do that by the way,

If I fall down.

You also do that if other people fall down,

Especially me.

Hey,

Hey,

Hey.

Maybe that's true.

The media touted her as the most talented and beautiful tripper in Hollywood.

While embarrassment is something most of us avoid at all costs,

Maybe it shouldn't be.

Her embarrassing moment made her vulnerable and thereby lovable,

Which is our topic today.

Not being lovable,

But being vulnerable.

Which sometimes leads to being lovable.

More lovable.

Yes.

So what is vulnerability?

You're asking me?

Yeah,

Don't give us a whole lesson here,

But you know.

Vulnerability,

Well,

It's interesting,

Right?

Because I'm trying not to get too less ahead of yourself.

Yeah.

Because vulnerability is something that actually exists all the time within the individual.

We're actually talking about expressions of vulnerability,

Right?

But it's interesting to note that vulnerability exists within every single person all the time.

And the question is,

Do they express it to others or not?

Right?

Vulnerability is the sense that I am expressing myself or putting myself out there in certain ways.

It could be saying,

I love you.

It could be,

Again,

Falling down,

Right?

That's not a choice,

But something that happens.

And then talking about it openly,

Not hiding our faults.

But again,

The funny thing is we all have faults,

Right?

But we think,

And this is the weird thing,

That we can portray a perfect image to the world.

And it's important to us to do.

And I won't,

I'll stop there.

I'll get maybe a little bit later into the spiritual work that really underpins this really fundamental human condition whereby we are all imperfect.

We are all actually vulnerable.

On the other hand,

So many of us,

If not all of us at certain times,

Try to hide that vulnerability and try to portray an image that is not accurate of ourselves to the world.

Correct.

And often it's because we're vulnerable- Was that too long?

A little bit.

With the wrong people and people that aren't really worthy of being trusted with our innermost feelings and thoughts.

That's a very important point.

And again,

Hopefully we'll expand upon it that I'm assuming that you as well as I will be sharing why it is important to be vulnerable,

To share our vulnerabilities with others,

With the world.

But on the other hand,

I think it's also important to focus or speak about at least the fact that that's not always the case.

That's not always the case that there are- It's not always the right thing to do.

Exactly.

So to be even clearer,

It's interpersonal vulnerability that we're talking about.

It's the kind of emotional vulnerability we strive for within our closest relationships.

So I think that's a key component.

We're not talking about physical or socioeconomic characteristics that put groups at risk.

And the definition actually in Merriam-Webster,

I like to quote,

Defines vulnerability as capable of being physically or emotionally wounded,

Which I think is interesting,

Or open to attack or damage.

It's interesting because capable we are all- Because again,

To my point,

Everybody is vulnerable because everybody is capable of being wounded.

What was the second part?

Physically or emotionally wounded or open to attack or damage.

Again,

It's the latter definition.

It's not the first one about your emotions.

It's more being part of a susceptible group.

But by this definition,

Admittedly vulnerability sounds horrible.

Absolutely the last thing that you want to do.

Maybe even terrifying.

But the payoffs are immense.

Being vulnerable can help us work through painful emotions more quickly.

So I don't think people do that enough.

And I know that that's helped me get on the other side of every single thing that I have felt has brought me trauma.

It allows us to embrace our faults and fully be who we are.

Vulnerability fosters goodwill with others.

They see that you're like them and perfect,

But resilient.

That's why I talk about everything publicly and often.

Vulnerability also indicates courage.

And in romantic relationships,

It's key to deepening intimacy and trust.

So it can feel scary and it's not always easy,

But it's preferable to the alternative because nobody wants to look back at their lives and say or think I should have done this or I should have said that or I should have put myself out there in that way and taken a greater risk in some way instead of playing it safe.

Yeah.

And I think that where I would go with at least as a foundational thought on vulnerability,

Whereas absolutely it's true that in the right space and maybe we need to expand that,

Being vulnerable to your partner,

Being vulnerable to your family and close friends is a very powerful way to deepen and strengthen those relationships.

I don't think it's the title that the person holds for you.

I think it's how,

And I'm going to give an example a little bit later,

But how they make you feel in their presence.

Are they worthy of that kind of information and rawness that we have?

Because if not,

It has the ability to close us up and protect ourselves against rejection,

Against hurt,

Against pain.

And then we spend most of our lives trying to cover up all of our flaws.

Right.

Right.

And I think so,

So I would point to two really important what I would call spiritual,

But also manifest in practical ways why it's so important to embrace vulnerability.

The first is that it is wrong to portray a false version of ourselves.

By the way,

What starts to happen is we also start lying to ourselves,

But that bifurcated reality where I know who I am,

I have this fear,

I have this doubt,

And then,

But to the world,

I'm going to show that I have no fears.

I have no doubts.

Everything is exactly perfect and as it should be.

That's not healthy psychologically,

But it's certainly not healthy spiritually.

We said it's wrong.

I don't like putting things in terms of right or wrong.

I think it's absolutely wrong.

It's not beneficial or helpful.

It doesn't serve you or anybody else.

Or wrong.

I'm allergic to that word.

Okay.

Sorry.

I apologize.

But I think it's important that we realize that we do this almost all the time.

And that is a version of falsehood,

Right?

It's a version of falsehood where I,

The individual goes out into the world and creates an alternative reality to who they actually are.

So that's where I would begin.

I think the danger of that,

That's a sort of sounding completely wrong,

But it's dangerous,

Is that we don't,

We lose the ability to be truthful even with ourselves.

Forget about being truthful with our spouses and family.

We just,

We build this reality.

And there's so many stories like that,

And again,

You can take it to the extreme.

I'm actually watching a few Netflix shows on,

I would call psychopaths who live- Now I saw that and I was like,

Michael Berg,

Usually I'm the one watching those things.

What's happened?

Have I rubbed off on you?

I hope so.

Where they live,

And this is the case of- I'm a little annoyed you didn't watch them with me,

But that's a different topic.

I'm sorry.

People who live,

Who put out one image to the world and live not only a slightly different,

Because we all,

That led to be clear,

Right?

We all live slightly different personal lives than we do public lives.

But when the difference becomes staggering,

Where it's literally one version and the complete opposite version of that in truth,

But that's obvious,

I think,

To most people.

But those are psychopaths.

Exactly.

I mean- But the point is- The daughter loves her daddy and then he's killing people at night and she doesn't know it.

I mean- Right.

That's a lesser,

Much,

Much lesser version of that.

Right,

Exactly.

But the point is,

We actually spoke about this in one of the podcasts,

Where it's actually there's a psychological reason why people who are putting themselves out into the world as one thing actually are doing it sometimes because they are actually the exact opposite and feel the need never to be found out.

So they go to the extreme of the other.

But again,

That's not what we're talking about.

We're talking about all of us,

The normal rest of us who are somewhere in the middle.

But again,

There is a danger that we live with every day,

Which is again,

That need that we feel to show a more perfected version of ourselves outside than we actually are.

Well,

It's interesting because when I meet with people,

A lot of when they say,

Okay,

I'm stuck or I give them advice,

They're like,

Well,

How do I start?

How do I start?

And my first response is always,

You have to learn to be honest with yourself.

The fact that you have found yourself in the situation where you don't know which way to go and you don't even know how to get out of the rut that you've explained that you're in is because you've been lying to yourself for quite some time.

So you have to figure out why you've done that,

What you felt you needed to lie,

What you weren't willing to actually accept as truth and go from that place.

And then of course,

Once we're honest with ourselves,

Then we can start living a more authentic life and then be honest and vulnerable with other people.

So if I can actually ask all of our listeners right now,

Think about one or two instances or aspects of yourself that you take the time to show the world the perfected version of that,

Right?

Where you're not allowing yourself to be truthfully vulnerable,

Right?

Because there's two types of vulnerability.

There's one where I had some deep thoughts and emotions about certain things and I might not share that with everybody.

But the truth of myself,

Meaning that I am not such a great whatever,

That's actually something it's healthy for you,

I would say even certainly spiritually healthy for you,

For that to be out there in the world.

Because if not only for the fact that then you can be more truthful with yourself.

If I can,

I would add one more element to this.

And that is that,

So sorry,

I don't want to forget what we're asking our listeners to do and really to take the time to think about where you're living this double life.

At some level,

This has to be crazy stories,

But just the fact that there's the truth about who you are.

What are you hiding?

Yeah,

And we're all hiding certain things.

By the way,

Some things it's okay to hide from some people and to share only with your,

Like you said before,

Your closest friends and maybe family.

But- No,

I think there's some things you might choose not to share.

I think it's very different when you feel like you have to hide who you are to fit in or to belong.

Or elements of.

Right.

And so,

It's to really look at those parts.

And from that,

The next step would be to become fully authentic.

And to do that,

You need to be able to know your own story,

Your own struggles,

Your victories,

Your gifts,

And your worst tendencies,

And accept them all as integral parts of what makes you you.

That's really what being authentic is all about.

And as you said earlier,

And this is kind of a secret people think,

But it's really that you don't really have a choice in being vulnerable because you are truly vulnerable every single day of your life.

You're just writing something funny.

I forget recently we were having a meal with one of our friends and they were like,

You might not know this about me,

But this,

This,

And that other thing.

And we're like,

Oh,

Everybody knows.

And that's the other part is that sometimes I think people think that they're doing a good job of sort of lying to the world and keeping their imperfections secret.

Often that's not even the case.

Like you think,

Oh,

Nobody knows this about me.

Oh,

Every,

You know,

In this case it was kind of obvious in the sort of everybody knows.

And by the way,

When we were really insecure about something,

We're like,

Oh,

I don't want anybody to see this or I feel really bad about this today.

And we think that everybody notices,

Guess what?

They're in their own body thinking the same thing about themselves saying,

I hope nobody sees me.

And that's the,

The illusion of the world we live in.

We think that everybody has keen,

Sharp awareness of every single thing or not.

Like we have this almost like a dissociation with reality of what's really happening.

For sure.

And if I can,

For me,

I would say probably the fundamental spiritual understanding of the need to become vulnerable is this.

Would we call ego,

Right?

Which is that facade that we try to put up of perfection,

Of being somebody who doesn't have issues,

Problems,

And so on and so forth.

That is an actual force.

It's not just a psychological reality that we either struggle with or live with.

It's a reality.

And that reality is a barrier to our blessings,

To our light,

To our growth.

And therefore the more we can do proactively to diminish our ego,

The more blessings,

More light,

More growth we will have in our lives.

And I remember a few years ago,

I was me and a friend who were talking about the spiritual work.

We said,

Wouldn't it be great if we could literally set one day a week where you go and behave like an idiot in public,

Obviously nothing that hurts anybody else,

Right?

But that embarrasses you greatly.

That would be great because you'd be diminishing your ego.

And I actually know certain people- Are you introducing a challenge?

Well,

I don't know.

You have to be careful with this,

Right?

You have to be careful with this.

But on some level,

And again,

There's extreme versions of this.

I mean,

I know people who literally go out into the world and sort of put on clothes of a homeless person and panhandle just to do- Do you know people like that?

Yes,

Yes.

This is from years ago,

Before your time.

We've been together for 25 years.

Yes,

Before that.

When did you have these people?

Oh,

So many,

So many stories.

Oh,

You're going to be in trouble.

But the point- We need to have a conversation.

Oh,

Absolutely.

I'm completely vulnerable.

I can't wait.

Did you do that?

No,

I did not do that.

That's not a bad idea though.

But the point is- What is the point?

Yes.

Really?

That proactively diminishing our ego needs to be a consistent part of our work.

And I'm not sure that most of us are thinking about it.

That me embarrassing myself in whatever ways,

Small ways,

Great ways,

That's of course the individual's decision,

Is an important part of my spiritual work.

Because I need to diminish my ego,

Because that ego,

And every one of us has ego,

It's just a matter of degrees,

Is blocking me from getting whatever blessings and light that I'm meant to have.

So the question again,

To our listeners,

To us,

Is what are you doing to proactively diminish your ego?

What are you doing to proactively embarrass yourself in public?

So when we talk about vulnerability,

Which has so many benefits,

One of the important benefits of being vulnerable to the world is the fact that it helps diminish the ego.

And again,

Sometimes it happens and it's not proactive,

It's just happening to us,

Embrace that.

Sometimes we're asking,

Should I be vulnerable in this way or not?

And for instance,

I use this example sometimes,

I am very free in telling people I love them because there's many people that I do love.

And sometimes it's not reciprocated,

Right?

You keep saying that.

When I've never- Look at my texts.

Really?

Look at my texts,

Yeah.

Really?

Yeah,

I must say 10 times,

15 times a day.

Two?

To your children?

To my children,

To my family,

To my friends.

They always answer,

Oh,

And I always answer.

Yeah,

Yeah,

Of course,

Of course,

But friends.

I think I'm missing the point.

Making myself what,

Vulnerable?

What are you looking for?

I'm not.

Oh.

That's the word.

It's okay,

You can embarrass me.

You're making yourself seem like unpopular.

Oh,

Okay.

Let me assuage any,

Any worries.

I am very- You're like,

I go around telling everybody I love them and nobody answers me.

Okay,

Okay,

Let me make it very clear,

I am very popular.

I'm going to have to stop here for a minute though,

So Monica gets her laughter.

No,

I'm good.

She's like,

Poor Michael.

Once again,

Before I continue,

Let me make sure Monica is okay.

I am okay.

I'm okay.

A lot of people love me.

Anyway,

But my point is that in those times throughout my life that that has happened,

My reaction wasn't,

Oh,

I was vulnerable and now I'm disappointed that this happened.

But you're still on,

Get a good laugh.

No,

No,

I got it.

I was almost going to.

I'm good.

Yeah,

But go for it,

Feel free.

But when you are vulnerable and it's not reciprocated or it's viewed in one way or another,

Think in a negative way,

That's actually a positive thing because this is an opportunity for you to have your ego be diminished.

And when you live life in that way,

It allows you to be much more vulnerable.

Often either with you or even with our kids and walking down the street doing silly things,

Right?

Often we'll stop ourselves from doing silly things.

Why?

Because these strangers who I've never met and probably will never see again might have a negative view on me.

How silly is that?

We're pretty good at being silly.

Yeah,

Exactly.

But my point is that I think too often people go through life not doing the silly things.

They're trying to be appropriate.

That's a,

They're making me,

Now you're making me sound weird.

No,

No,

No.

Unpopular and weird.

You said that,

Not me.

Anyway,

The point is,

The point is that when you go through life knowing that being vulnerable and or being embarrassed are all positive.

Yeah.

I mean,

Jennifer Lawrence,

I think it's a really inspiring story.

It allows you to live a much more vulnerable life and therefore I think it has tremendous spiritual benefits as well as psychological and otherwise.

And it also greatly influences other people because they see you living like that and it gives them permission to somehow do it as well.

I think you've hit on a really big misconception when it comes to vulnerability though.

I think people think that it's weak to be vulnerable and of course that's connected to having a lot of ego because if you have a big ego,

Oh my God,

I seem strong and stoic.

So I think the first thing is really pause and ask everybody to say,

What do I think it means to me?

Not the definition,

But what does it mean to me to be vulnerable?

Do I think it's an act of weakness?

I remember when my book,

Fears on an Option came out and it's semi-autobiographical and a close friend of mine actually,

She has a few kids and she's like,

This is the first book I've read in a while,

Cover to cover.

And she's like,

I cannot believe you were so vulnerable.

And I was like,

Really?

I was?

Maybe I made a mistake.

No,

Not at all.

I was just,

For me,

It wasn't being vulnerable anymore because I've been practicing a really long time.

And I'm just like me telling you something that I thought was kind of obvious to everybody because I'm so open about things generally that this,

I don't think there's like a big reveal in the book.

And I also wanted to mention that Brene Brown,

She's done a lot of work when it comes to vulnerability.

I haven't read the book,

But I heard it's really great.

So I would recommend it to others.

Have you read?

Well,

She's- Daring Greatly.

Yeah,

No,

I'm going to quote that one later,

But this I'm quoting one of her other ones first.

Would you recommend it?

I would.

I really,

Really think she's done a ton of amazing research on this topic.

I've heard her speak,

But I haven't read the book.

Yeah,

Very good.

So in her book,

Atlas of the Heart,

She defines vulnerability as the emotion that we experience during times of uncertainty,

Risk and emotional exposure,

Which again,

These are all things that make us uncomfortable if you're in it.

And through her research,

She has tens of thousands of people to give examples of vulnerability from their own lives.

And here are a few examples.

The first date after my divorce,

Talking about race with my team,

Trying to get pregnant after my second miscarriage,

Talking about my feelings,

Starting my own business,

Watching my child leave for college,

Apologizing to a colleague about how I spoke to him in a meeting,

Sending my son to orchestra practice,

Knowing how badly he wants to make first chair and knowing there's a really good chance he'll not make the orchestra at all,

Waiting for the doctor to call back,

Giving and getting feedback,

Getting back up to bat after striking out.

So in all of these examples,

Would you think that these people are weak?

Me?

Yeah.

No,

Of course not.

Most of them are going through life's experiences.

Through life's experiences,

As we all will.

And they get up and they try again and they know that they're at risk for some kind of,

As she said,

Of an emotional exposure or it's uncertain.

So of course it's going to feel scary and unpleasant,

But that's just part of life.

And when you really step up and you allow yourself to be you in those times when it's hardest,

That's really the opening for vulnerability.

So I want to ask you,

Can you share a situation where you were vulnerable and do you think at the time it was a weakness?

At the time?

Well,

Can I answer?

Actually,

I was hearing you talking to me and say,

You know,

Answer the question you wish you would have been asked.

So the question I'm going to answer,

Which I think you'll like,

I think you'll like my answer.

You're using my thing on me.

Exactly.

You teach me well.

So actually I'm going to share a time when I failed at being vulnerable.

How's that?

So much better.

Better,

Right?

I should be writing your questions.

At least I come up with questions.

I actually,

I actually had that same question for you.

So actually yesterday we were in the car,

We were driving and we were having a conversation and I was not being as kind as I should have been in our conversation.

And then as the conversation is going,

I sort of,

I'm getting,

I'm getting sort of that inkling that,

You know,

I should not be talking the manner that I was talking.

And then you say it.

You said,

I forgot the exact words.

I'm sure you remember exactly what you said,

But I'm not going to ask you to repeat it.

You know,

And you pointing out that my tone or the way I was speaking,

You didn't think it was right.

And I remember having the thought,

You know,

I really should apologize.

I don't think,

Did I apologize?

I don't think I did.

No.

I knew you'd remember.

I knew you'd remember.

And I really,

As I was thinking about it today,

Especially preparing for the podcast,

You know,

I really should apologize.

The only reason I didn't apologize was ego and lack of vulnerability.

So first of all,

I apologize for yesterday.

Well kudos for doing that on air.

And,

And I actually forgot.

I didn't stay with me.

Oh really?

I find it hard to believe.

I'm sure if you did it again today,

I would have remembered yesterday.

That's how it works.

But the point is,

Again,

The point is it's so,

It's just so,

It's just ego.

You know,

And I do want to talk about,

You know,

The sort of the times to be more careful about being vulnerable,

But with your spouse,

With those who are,

You really love,

Who are really close to you and who,

You know,

You feel support you,

Then I would strongly,

Strongly recommend being extreme in your vulnerability.

And often again,

The only reasons we don't do that is ego.

And I know that I should be apologizing right now,

But my ego is not allowing me to.

So I apologize for not for,

I apologize for yesterday.

I apologize for not apologizing,

But hopefully,

You know,

This will help our listeners.

I don't know what to do with all this apologizing.

Wow,

I'm so uncomfortable.

Really?

No.

Are we going into,

Cause I want to talk about love and how it requires vulnerability or did you want to?

Well,

I wanted to,

It's funny because I'm not even sure it's,

It's,

It's purpose in,

In,

In for our listeners because I think part of what we want to impart today is a push to become more vulnerable.

But I think that it's important to realize again,

That it's not always the right thing.

Okay.

So let's go there first and then I'll,

I'll send you back to that.

So,

So there's actually,

They did,

There's a study at the university of Mannheim where Mannheim,

Right?

So there's two,

Two interesting studies.

So they actually,

They were actually were inspired by Bernie Brown's book to do this study.

So how people view vulnerability.

So they took a group of two students and one group,

They said they are going to start do a song and dance that they are not prepared for.

Right.

So that one can imagine how embarrassed,

Like you asked me to sing all the time.

So how embarrassing one might feel.

They come into a room,

There's a study,

They have no idea what they're going to be asked to do.

And suddenly they ask,

Say you 30 are going to go in front of another group of 30 students and you're going to do a dance.

You're going to do a song.

Right.

And the other group of 30,

They told them,

You're going to be the jury.

You'll be the judges of the good or bad or terrible singing and dancing.

Right.

So one group is going to be performing.

One group is going to be judging the performance.

The group that was going to be judged,

Were then asked,

By the way,

There was never anything singing or dancing,

There was never any judgment.

But the group that thought that they were going to be singing and dancing were asked then,

What do you think about vulnerability?

And their reaction was negative.

You know,

You look stupid,

It's embarrassing and so on and so forth.

The group of judges,

Right,

The people who were not about to be vulnerable were asked and they said,

No,

It's amazing.

It shows strength and so on and so forth.

So the view,

I thought that was interesting,

That the view of vulnerability is often very much,

You know,

Whether it's me doing it or I see somebody else doing it.

Because it's that emotional aspect,

What it's bringing up in you.

And the fact is that,

If you understand that most people will view vulnerability in a positive light,

Right,

In a much more positive light than the person actually expressing the vulnerability.

I think that's the key point that the way people perceive our vulnerability is much more positive than we might think.

I think that was a very important study.

The second study in 1966,

Elliot Aronson did this study.

And he,

Again,

Took a group of,

Group A and group B.

And he told them that they want to get their assessment,

Right,

Their thoughts about people.

And one type of person,

Professor,

Teacher,

Was going through a test and they got 100% of the answers right,

Right?

And the other one got only 30% of the answers right,

Right?

So obviously they're having much more positive thoughts,

Right?

This group must be really smart,

They got 100% of the answers right.

This other group got 30% right,

So not so smart.

But that wasn't the question.

As they're watching these people taking the tests,

Suddenly they hear,

This was,

Sorry,

This is audio,

Not video.

They suddenly hear rustling in the background and the person taking the test is,

Oh my God,

I just spilled coffee all over my suit,

Right?

So then they asked them,

How do you view the coffee spilling,

Right?

So those teachers or people who got 100% right,

Which means that they were thinking,

Oh,

These are really smart people.

Then when they heard that they spilled coffee all over themselves,

They were like,

Oh,

It's so sweet,

How even,

You know,

He took it so much in stride,

Right?

And the second group- What an idiot,

He can't even drink his coffee.

What an idiot,

He can't do anything right,

Exactly.

The point being- Judgement.

Exactly.

That vulnerability when built upon a positive attitude is great,

Is better,

Right?

So you get to 110%.

But vulnerability or built upon something,

Somebody or something that is not so great actually brings it down even further.

And I think that's a really important frame.

When we think about being vulnerable,

Who do you want to be vulnerable to or with?

Do it with the ones that you have a positive relationship with,

Right?

Because if you're going to,

You know,

I always imagine,

Right,

There's certainly times you imagine like a general is gathering his armies to do battle.

And so he breaks down like,

Oh my God,

I don't know what's going to happen,

Right?

Again,

Vulnerability,

But in the wrong place to the wrong people.

That's uncertainty and doubt.

Right,

But that's vulnerability.

That's vulnerability still.

Exactly,

Right?

I mean,

Like he matches up,

He's going into surgery and they see there,

There's actually a joke about this where a guy is walking by a hospital room,

I hope you tell the joke over,

Right,

He's going for surgery and he sees a guy in the corner like crying,

Like,

Oh my God,

I can't do this.

And the guy says,

Don't worry,

I'm also going into surgery.

It's going to be okay.

He says,

No,

No,

I'm the doctor.

And the point is that vulnerability,

Right,

There's a time and a place and certain people that it's more appropriate to be vulnerable to and not.

And I think it's important,

You know,

That we have that clear framing of it.

That being said,

Of course,

Everything we said before is 100% right with your loved ones.

Go for it.

Break your ego.

Be as vulnerable as possible.

People who have a positive relationship,

Go for it and build upon it.

Of course.

And I think most importantly with yourself.

I mean,

With the examples that Brene Brown gave the people that she interviewed,

It's to really have that honesty and that transparency with yourself,

That you're vulnerable to yourself,

That when you go through life,

You are able to do it in an honest way so that you're getting the most out of each and every experience,

Even if they're not great ones instead of getting stuck,

Right,

As soon as something's bad or didn't go your way.

Because it's not just about being that with other people.

You have to first be that to yourself.

And I would just add one other thing to that,

Which is sort of in the middle,

Right,

Though.

And you're really good at this.

You often in public,

You know,

Share your deep emotions or,

You know,

Positive or negative.

And sometimes,

Right,

We've experienced with some people take it in the wrong way.

Right.

And that's OK,

Too.

That's OK,

Too.

So that the times that I always find that interesting,

By the way,

Because when that means that they're OK,

When that happens for me,

As I really,

You know,

You can't like I'm sharing something that is also with a message and it's uplifting to them.

Ultimately,

There's a teaching and not just like rambling on.

And I feel like when if I'm ever misunderstood or people find issue with it,

It says more about them than it does about me.

And that's you know,

And of course,

Like,

Yeah,

And I'm OK with it.

And I would add to our listeners,

It's going to happen.

Right.

So if I would.

And I meet it with humor.

Like today I told you I got to I posted something about my father and the person's like,

I really I'm just asking like very innocently,

But you always speak about your father.

You know,

What about your mother?

Why don't you ever talk about her?

And how does she feel about that?

I want to write back like,

Mom,

Is that you?

Right.

Exactly.

Because,

You know,

It's all good.

Right.

And I would say,

Just to clarify that there's probably three general groups of people you want or don't want to be vulnerable to those who are close to you.

Spouses,

Partners,

Children,

Really close family,

Friends.

I would strongly,

Strongly recommend become more and more vulnerable even than you currently are.

The group,

The other group,

Which are the people you don't really know necessarily or and or have maybe some negative inclination towards you.

Don't be vulnerable with them at all.

The middle group,

Which,

You know,

Some people who are like,

Again,

Like I said,

In your case,

When you're speaking to a large group of people,

Take the chance.

Know that there is always going to be somebody who is not going to take it in the way that it was meant and will have a silly comment to make or a silly understanding of it.

Still,

As you do,

Be brave and be vulnerable,

Knowing that there will be many people who benefit from it and there'll be some who don't get it.

And that's OK.

So I would like to offer a way for our listeners to get to that place,

Because,

Yes,

In their mind they've heard all this like,

OK,

I can choose to be vulnerable with that person.

But if you haven't really experienced being vulnerable or something that you've kind of rejected or ran away from,

Where do you start?

So I'll share from my own life,

Because I wasn't always like this.

I was like most people where I wanted to seem a certain way and appear a certain way and not show those deepest,

Scariest parts of myself or that things that really felt like I was still working through.

So I have a word that I love.

It's called unassailable.

And it means you can't be attacked or defeated.

And it resonates with me because at various times in my life,

I have felt attacked and defeated and been on the receiving end of blame and judgment.

And my first reaction used to be guilt.

And I would feel horrible that there's something wrong with me.

Right.

There's some rights coming up.

And in my Middle Eastern family,

Guilt was commonplace emotion.

My adult life guilt led to shame.

And my solution was to try to be perfect.

And this is what I think.

I think if you're going through life trying to look perfect or be a perfectionist or that everything has to be exactly right,

You really actually cannot be vulnerable.

It's impossible because you're too busy trying to appear as if everything is is going splendidly,

Which is never going to be the case consistently.

And of course,

There's no way to criticize perfection because it's perfect.

So I dedicate myself to building positive walls against vulnerability while I pursue perfection.

Then later in my adult life,

I realized how silly that was and that it was really a dead end and I chose a different route.

So I decided that I wanted an unassailable consciousness,

Not just be unassailable,

But for my consciousness to be like that.

Meaning if people then judged me or they criticized me,

That it was something that I could take or leave and that it wasn't going to influence how I reacted to the world or how I expressed myself to people.

Because again,

That's the first thing we do.

If we feel that we're attacked,

We get small,

We turn inward,

We really protect ourselves and our ego at all costs,

And then you end up losing out.

So I really decided to keep that consciousness and live life in that way.

The bottom line is we can be vulnerable without needing to suffer guilt and shame.

And part of being vulnerable is allowing ourselves to be imperfect,

Allowing ourselves to be disappointed in ourselves and others,

To feel exposed and not seen or validated for who we really are,

To be misunderstood and still choose to love ourselves and bravely remain open with who we are and how we really feel.

We're not truly embracing vulnerability if we're not vulnerable when we know we will be loved,

Applauded,

Appreciated,

Validated,

Et cetera,

In return.

So I think that's a really big point.

You're never going to get the adoration and acceptance from everybody,

Nor should you strive to get from anybody other than yourself and your higher power,

What you believe in,

The creator.

And when you start to live life on those terms,

Something really freeing happens within.

And then you understand you're vulnerable every day and you express that vulnerability.

And it's the most powerful space to be in and live in.

And that was the big transformation for me.

It's just like after 20,

25 years of living life,

That first way of chasing perfectionism and really always being disappointed with myself and others,

To shift,

To just have a consciousness that wasn't so affected by that external,

Positive or negative,

That was really the opening for vulnerability.

And I think that everybody can strive for that and actually manifest that.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

I was thinking that there's a story,

As you were talking,

There's a story that came to mind,

Really one of my favorite stories that I haven't told in a long time.

And the story is about a man who.

.

.

So cute.

You looked at me like I already know the story you're going to tell.

I'm sure you do.

I'll know in a second.

But I just like,

Even this look like I'm going to tell a story.

I'm like,

Okay,

What is it?

I wanted your permission.

Oh,

Is it about me?

No.

It's an ancient story.

And this man lived in a village and a great cabless walking,

Traveling through that village.

And part of being an elevated spiritual person is that you can sense things that are not obvious and you can smell things even,

But that are of a spiritual nature.

So he's driving by this man's house and he suddenly tells his drivers to stop because he said,

I smell the smell of the Garden of Eden,

Meaning the most beautiful smell emanating from this house over here.

So he stops,

He knocks on the door.

A man who was shocked to see this very famous spiritual leader at his door.

He said,

And the spiritual leader says to him,

Can I come in?

He says,

Yes.

He walks in and he says to him,

Can I ask you this beautiful smell,

Spiritual smell,

The smell of the Garden of Eden coming from your house?

Can I go find out where it's from?

The man is surprised,

But of course this person he looks up to is asking him,

He says,

Of course,

Please feel free to walk around the house.

He walks around the house,

He walks into the man's bedroom.

He opens up the closet and all the way in the back of the closet,

There's a crumpled up clown suit.

And he takes out the clown suit.

He smells it,

He says,

Yes,

It's coming from here.

Can you tell me the story of the clown suit?

And the man is very embarrassed.

And he's like,

This is really an episode that I've been trying to forget for years.

He says,

I'll tell it to you if you really want me to,

But I have to say that it brings me tremendous pain.

And the capitalist says,

No,

I really want you to share the story.

So he tells him that 10,

15 years ago,

In those villages at the time,

There was one person who was always in charge if somebody needed any help.

They didn't have money themselves,

But they would go around the houses and try to collect money.

Years ago,

There was a wedding for an orphan girl and she didn't have the money,

Obviously,

For the wedding.

So she came to me and says,

Can you raise this amount of money for my wedding?

It was a very large sum of money.

I go around town trying to raise the money for the wedding and I come up very,

Very short and I don't know what to do.

So I go into the local tavern and I go and get myself a drink.

I'm sitting there in the corner and a group of drunkards next to me see me unhappy with my drink.

They say,

What's going on?

So I tell them the story that there's an orphan girl who needs to get married,

She needs to start talking about the money.

And I was going to try to raise it for an orphan,

The villagers,

People living in this village,

But I wasn't able to raise it.

The guys are both mean people and also really drunk.

So they say to him,

You know what?

They were also wealthy.

We'll give you the money.

And he gets really excited.

He says,

But in one condition.

It was like one o'clock in the morning.

He says,

You're going to have to put on a clown suit and we're going to walk with you leaving us throughout town in your clown suit at one o'clock to two o'clock in the morning.

And the guy's thinking,

You know,

Can you imagine everybody's going to recognize me looking like an idiot in a clown suit with these drunkards behind me and I'm going to be waking the whole town up.

So can you imagine how embarrassed?

Goes back and forth,

Back and forth.

He says,

You know what?

I'll do it.

I'll do it.

I'll do it.

So they do that.

They get to have a few more drinks before they go out.

They dress him up in the clown suit.

He looks like an idiot.

They're going through town.

They're making a ruckus.

So literally every single household is woken up.

Everybody's looking out the windows.

Everybody's seeing the idiot in the clown suit with the drunkards behind him.

Long story short,

This goes on for an hour.

They get back to his house.

They give him the money.

He takes the clown suit off.

He said,

Tells the cabless,

I was so embarrassed from that day on.

Nobody in town looked at me the same.

I took the suit in the back,

In the back of my,

My,

My,

My closet,

Hoping never to remember this.

The whole town for the past 15 years has not allowed me to forget it.

That's the story of the concert.

The cabless told me,

I want you to know that the amount of light and blessings that you awaken for your soul on that day is immeasurable to anything you have ever done or will ever do in your life.

And I ask,

I recommend that you tell your family that whenever you die,

Whenever you leave this world,

You should be buried in that clown suit because with that clown suit,

There's no gate that will be closed for you.

Of course,

The lesson here is that being vulnerable and at times looking like an idiot,

Even,

Right?

The benefit is an obvious in the moment,

What it does for our soul,

What it does for our light,

What it does for our life is often immeasurable.

You know,

So I think on our next date,

We should go out as clowns.

You think so?

It'll be fun.

We can post a picture.

Let's do it.

I don't have a clown suit.

I'll buy one for that.

But I think it's such a good reminder for all of us to just put ourselves out there every day in ways,

Just be simple about life,

Not to like.

.

.

And be vulnerable,

Right?

And that's what vulnerability,

Making decisions to be vulnerable allows you to be yourself in the world,

Flaws and all.

Yeah.

I mean,

Sometimes when something happens that's embarrassing or I did something embarrassing,

I just pause and like,

Well,

That happened because it's my way to kind of not,

I didn't even need to do it so much anymore,

But it was like a reminder immediately for me not to run with the bad thought or,

Oh my God,

What are they going to think and go to the external.

.

.

Like it happened.

Okay,

So it happened and that's it.

And next.

And it allowed me to really show up for myself.

I think,

Again,

That's the connective part that needs to happen before you can really master any of this.

You have to be able to pause and be okay with it yourself and then allow yourself to be seen in that way.

So Monica,

If you would leave our listeners with one thought,

A few thoughts from today.

Well,

I think that,

Which I've done many,

Many things,

I think the importance of vulnerability,

Again,

Check where you are uncomfortable in your own skin and what parts of yourself you're even trying to hide or you're judging yourself for and really allow yourself to lean into it and say,

Okay,

These are certain things I don't like about myself,

But you still have to love yourself completely,

Accept yourself completely.

And then from that space,

You can start to express yourself differently in the world.

And honestly,

I can't express enough how liberating and freeing that is.

For me,

That was when,

You know,

I'd already started public speaking,

But it was like,

It unleashed me.

You know,

It took me to a place where I could teach from an authentic place that I hadn't been before,

Before it was all head.

And then it was able to move to my heart.

And really,

I think that that's where we want to be always and live our lives like that.

And to your point,

Don't be vulnerable with everyone about everything.

Before we wrap up,

Let's understand what to share and who to share it with.

There's an immense value in being vulnerable,

Of course,

But you shouldn't be vulnerable with everyone.

Instead,

Share your innermost thoughts,

Feelings,

Experiences,

And fears only with people who have earned the right to hear them.

And that idea of earning,

I think that,

You know,

I love that saying when somebody shows you who they are,

Believe them.

Don't go back to the same person that keeps hurting you or withholding or withdrawing.

And then you're left like feeling naked in front of them,

Like you've just divulged everything and they're not there to hold it,

But also they don't reciprocate in that.

So people do,

They earn that place in your life and they earn that place in your heart based on their own behavior.

So I think just be very cognizant of that and going through this process.

Yeah.

What I would add is that being vulnerable is very important for your life.

As I said before,

That the ego,

That part of us that wants to show the perfection of ourselves to everybody,

Even where it doesn't exist,

Is actually the barrier to so many of our blessings.

So being vulnerable and at times being embarrassed even by our vulnerability is actually a very proactive way to open ourselves up to so much light and blessings.

So please do it.

And the group that deserves it,

Your spouse,

Your partner,

Go crazy with vulnerability.

That can only,

Only benefit your relationship.

And I know hopefully next week we'll talk more about specifically love and vulnerability.

And one last point,

Which is so important.

I want to make sure everybody realizes I am very popular.

I thought you were going to say I am very sorry.

You're so cute.

Oh,

Most are very sorry for yesterday.

So don't forget,

I am very popular.

So I hope you enjoyed listening to this podcast.

As much,

I'm happy you find me funny.

As much as we enjoyed recording it and as always,

Stay spiritually hungry.