Heart Centered Forgiveness Part One: Forgiving Yourself

So,

Why don't we begin with our blessing and ringing the bull.

You can just start by sitting up nice and tall,

But comfortable.

Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths.

And as you take these deep breaths,

Bringing your mind into your body and into this moment.

Allowing a sense of peace and calm to wash over you.

And opening to the spirit of connection to each other as we venture through this learning together,

This growing together in this virtual Sangha.

We support each other's growth and learning.

We inspire each other and we share our wisdom here together.

May our time here together serve our awakening to truth and love,

To wisdom,

To grace.

Aum,

Shanti,

Peace.

This is the first part in a two-part talk on forgiveness.

The first part of our talk will be on the practice of forgiveness when directed toward ourselves,

Self-forgiveness.

And I say the practice of forgiveness because it's important to remember like all of our practices,

It's not a one and done.

There's no perfection.

It's an ongoing lifelong practice that we nurture and respect and embrace.

Just like the practice of gratitude,

Practicing directing our mind toward gratitude or the practice of compassion.

These are practices that awaken and open our heart and clear our mind and open us to the possibility.

So I'll start our talk with one of my favorite stories.

The story of two monks.

There were two monks who lived in a monastery and had taken an oath to be lifelong students and to embark on this spiritual quest and to dedicate and devote their lives to spiritual growth and learning.

And part of that vow that they had taken,

These two men,

Was that they would divest themselves of all interest in females and they wouldn't touch a woman for the duration of their monk ship,

Their lives really.

And these two monks were walking to town one day and they had to walk through the forest and they're walking along this path.

And they come to a river,

A stream sometimes,

And a river on this particular day.

It was early spring and the snow was melting and the spring was high and was flowing and gushing as a pretty deep strong current of a river.

And they knew that it would be difficult for them to get across it,

But they knew that they were up to the task.

But when they looked over to the side,

They saw that there was an elderly woman on their side of the river and she was pacing back and forth,

Looking at the river very cautiously and nervously trying to find a good entry point.

And she was quite elderly and quite feeble.

And they knew that she was going to be swept away in this current,

That she really had very little chance of successfully crossing and that this was the way to town and she needed to get across.

So one of the monks went over and spoke with her,

The first monk,

And chatted with her for a bit and kind of signaled to the river and was discussing with her.

And she nodded and he carefully and gently lifted her and carried her across the river.

And the second monk was just mortified,

Couldn't believe that his friend had touched a woman after taking this vow that he never would,

That he would never touch a woman.

And was feeling all sorts of emotions about it.

And so he also crossed the river and by the time he got over,

The first monk had set the woman down carefully and said goodbye.

And then the two monks met and they carried on down their path silently.

But as they were walking,

The second monk was stewing and was really having a hard time making this okay and was thinking,

You know,

We took this vow together.

My brother has broken his vow and it feels like he has abandoned me on this path and I'm feeling confused and angry and sad.

And they continued to walk.

And after some time,

The second monk said,

I just have to ask you about this because I'm so troubled by it.

You know,

We took an oath together.

We took a vow that we would never touch a woman.

And I need to understand,

I need you to help me understand,

Explain to me why you did this and how you could do this,

How you could break our vow.

And the first monk said,

I left that woman by the river.

Why are you still carrying her?

And it's such a perfect story in forgiveness because we can carry these things for a long,

Long time.

And they're often things that it may be something someone did really,

Really egregious that hurt us deeply.

And it can also be our perception of things that causes us pain that we're carrying with us.

And ultimately,

We want the same thing.

We all want the same thing,

Inner peace and happiness.

We all want this inner peace and happiness.

We want to forgive.

We want to be at peace with people innately and ultimately with situations,

With our relationships.

And we know innately that holding resentment and anger and blame and fear get in the way of that.

We know this.

But how to have this peace,

This connection,

This harmony,

How to forgive is not so simple.

It's not so easy.

And so we bring in a practice.

And we first practice with self-forgiveness and really evaluating and looking into our own hearts.

Because forgiveness really is an awakening of the heart.

It is a practice of compassion at its roots,

At its core.

It's a practice of compassion and understanding.

And opening an awakening to understanding the situation or the other person's perspective or situation,

Their experience of it is at the heart of forgiveness.

My teacher will say often,

When you practice forgiving,

Practice forgiving immediately and completely.

And I find that that's really wonderful with the small stuff.

With the small stuff,

I can practice forgiving immediately and completely.

And with the things that are big,

I find it's not so easy.

But practicing with that smaller stuff helps me flex that muscle.

Because forgiving immediately and completely means that we're giving the other person,

Whether it's ourselves or another person in a relationship,

The opportunity for something better.

When we hold on to this notion of the other person as wrong or bad or even evil,

In our minds we give them no opportunity for something different.

So I want to bring up the idea of what forgiveness is not.

Because we can get hung up on the idea that forgiveness is giving permission.

That if I forgive myself,

If I've done something that I feel ashamed of or embarrassed about or regret or remorse and I forgive myself for that,

I might get hung up on the idea that forgiving myself gives myself permission to do it again.

And this is true with others as well.

If I am harboring some anger or resentment toward someone who did me wrong,

Then I'm saying it's okay for them to do it again.

And that's not forgiveness.

That's not what forgiveness is about.

Forgiveness is a hope or a practice of understanding how and why it came to be.

And recognizing the person's innate goodness,

Whether it's myself or someone else,

Recognizing my innate goodness and that this act,

This egregious act,

Doesn't define me.

It's something that happened,

But it's not who I am.

That I am innately good.

And so we start here with ourselves,

This practice,

And then we broaden it to others and to the world at large.

You might find that it's more difficult to practice forgiveness of yourself than others,

Or you might find the opposite.

But like all of these practices,

We start at home with ourselves.

So can you forgive yourself without saying it's okay for it to happen again?

Or even that it was okay that it happened the first time?

But forgiveness is being able to have compassion and hold affection and warmth and tenderness,

Even while saying,

You did this and it wasn't okay.

And this sets it apart from the Dalai Lama calls it idiot compassion.

I prefer the words naive compassion.

Motive compassion or idiot compassion,

If that helps you more to use that phrase,

Is just this sort of blind compassion for all and then allowing yourself to be abused because of this sense of what compassion is,

That anything is okay,

Anything goes.

I understand why you did this and so I'll just suffer through it.

It's okay to set boundaries and say what you did was not okay and I can't allow it to happen again but I still feel warmth and affection and compassion for you and I forgive you.

The physical nature of holding on to injury to resist repeated harm is called armoring.

And we emotionally armor ourselves when we've been injured and we also physically armor ourselves.

They go hand in hand.

So if we're emotionally armoring ourselves,

Closing off our hearts from being injured again,

Closing off our minds,

Protecting ourselves,

We will do the same in our body.

Protecting our hearts,

Caving in here at the chest,

Doing this sort of motion of hugging across the chest,

Creating fists,

Armoring.

And it creates a rigidity in our body and in our mind.

It creates an energetic rigidity that we think is protecting us from harm but is really getting in the way of love,

This armoring.

So it's important to understand the difference between boundaries and armoring because we'll take the effects of past injury and we'll carry them forward into future relationships and situations and apply them in ways that are not healthy or productive.

And these past injuries can cause us to lash out at others in ways that they don't deserve,

That just aren't healthy in that situation and relationship.

Can you relate to that?

If you've been in a situation where you jumped to a reaction that was harmful and you later thought I wish I'd kept it cool.

I wish I'd kept my cool.

I wish I had listened a little more.

Or I wish I had said what I felt differently.

It's an opportunity for self-forgiveness.

If you've been in this,

And it doesn't matter what the other person did in that case,

It's an opportunity for self-forgiveness.

You can work on forgiving the other person a little later.

But if you're sitting with regret and remorse over the way you behaved in this situation,

It's an opportunity for self-forgiveness and introspection and investigation in how your armory has brought something forward from the past that caused you to react in a way that wasn't productive.

Not only mentally does it affect you,

That shield will eventually affect you physically.

Yes,

That's true.

They go hand in hand.

Yes,

It will affect your mental health and your physical health.

So when we study the levels of the mind,

And we've talked in the past about the survival brain and the limbic system and the ways that we protect,

And then the cerebral brain and the higher levels of thinking that help us to understand these lower levels,

The survival brain,

We can look at this history that we've had.

And the practice of forgiveness helps us to release that history so that we can have a fresh start and the possibility of something new.

So just like when we look at someone else and we hold resentment and anger over past injury,

And it denies them the opportunity for something different,

The same happens with us.

When we get stuck in these stories,

We deny ourselves the opportunity for something different and we'll see these things repeating through our lives over and over repeating over,

Why am I in this again?

How did this happen again?

Why am I going through this again?

It's kind of a flag for us to stop and look,

Why am I in this again?

Maybe there's something to look deeper at,

Some reason or some way that I'm creating this cycle,

Playing it out over and over,

Hoping for a new outcome.

And I'm not really allowing the opportunity for a new outcome.

So let's do a little reflection.

Just close your eyes for a moment.

Take a couple of breaths.

And bring to mind some situation where you feel like you didn't show up as your best self.

Maybe you had a moment of anger or a reaction that felt oversized for the situation.

Maybe you said something you regretted or maybe you just weren't listening well.

Can be anything.

And visualize that situation,

See it as if watching from above or from the side,

See yourself in it.

See the other person or persons.

See the circumstances.

See it as if you were a loving friend looking on at the situation and seeing yourself and knowing how your injuries from the past or your suffering or your fear caused you to react in this way.

And as this loving friend,

This loving observer looking on,

Just bring a gentle,

Sweet smile to your face,

Knowing you are good,

You are kind.

And in that moment,

You were bound.

You were bound by something and forgive.

Take a couple of deep breaths.

Let go of any tension in your body.

Often when we imagine these things or bring them up from memory,

Our body will tense up against it.

That's part of the armoring.

Just let yourself become soft.

And one more deep breath.

And blink your eyes open.

There is another form of self-forgiveness in situations where someone has done wrong to us.

Maybe something really egregious,

Really harmful.

And there's something subtle and covert in our own thinking that blames us in some way.

We blame ourselves in some way for this wrong that someone did to us,

This hurtful act toward us.

And it may be very covert and very subtle.

And it still deserves forgiveness.

And it's one of the reasons in situations where children are abused,

When a therapist comes in,

A social worker comes in,

One of the first things they'll say to the child is,

It's not your fault.

And it seems so obvious to us,

Of course it's not the child's fault.

We know this logically,

But somewhere in the depths,

There's a part of us that's thinking,

I let this happen to me.

Why did I let this happen to me?

It might not even be in the depths.

Maybe it's right there at the surface.

Why did I let them do this to me?

And we can sit with self-forgiveness in that case.

It doesn't have to be true.

The story doesn't need to be true.

The practice of forgiveness is still valid and valuable.

In my experience with the 12-step program,

Adult Children of Alcoholics,

One of the practices that we do is to map out a family tree and to look at the disease of alcoholism on a family scale,

Because they call it a family disease.

It's not one person.

It's everyone around and everyone involved.

And when you map out this family tree and look at all of the dynamics throughout the generations of your family,

It's so much easier to forgive because you can see how this dynamic plays out from generation to generation and how these things get taught from generation to generation and each generation just doing the best that they can with the knowledge that they've been given and the examples that they've seen and the things that they have suffered through.

And each individual in this interconnected web of people is doing their very best.

And if you are someone who has suffered in these relationships,

It might not look or feel like that person was doing their very best.

So we really sit and look at the dynamics,

The bigger picture,

In order to understand that we're each and every one of us doing the very best we can at any given time with what we have.

And it's a practice of compassion and understanding.

And it really,

It was really powerful in helping me to forgive,

To forgive myself and everyone involved.

So I'll leave a little space in case you'd like to comment or ask questions.

Do you mind repeating that last section you just said about doing the best that we can with what we have?

Yes.

No,

I don't mind.

So in looking at this family tree that I had created and seeing the dynamics of these relationships throughout generations in my family and how they've played out,

I could see pretty easily that each person in this family tree was doing the best that they could with the skills that they had at the time.

That these things are passed down.

They're a legacy that's passed down.

And it doesn't make people bad or evil.

It's just that each and every one of us is using the tools that we've been given in any given situation.

And part of this awakening of the heart and opening to the possibility of something different is realizing what you've inherited,

Was realizing what I've inherited,

The tools that I had been given and how I could cultivate new tools,

How I could heal myself and stop this cycle.

And in doing so,

Heal my ancestors and my family tree as well.

Forgiveness comes before that.

Compassion and forgiveness comes before that.

Sometimes people think that in these meetings and in this learning practice that we're blaming family,

That we're looking at all of the bad stuff in our family and blaming people for where we're at now,

But it's actually the opposite.

We're looking at the family and we're forgiving so that we can stop passing it on.

And forgiving involves compassion and seeing where people are at and seeing their struggles and their suffering as well,

Including ourselves.

I was struggling.

I was suffering.

I did the best I could in that moment.

And now I'm learning something different.

Another part of that practice is seeing the good in these legacies.

What were the good things that my family passed on to me?

What were their strengths?

What could I appreciate about each one of them?

One of the things that my father taught me,

Which was really important,

Was how to apologize.

From an early age,

He taught me,

And it wasn't this shameful,

Hurtful type of teaching.

You did this wrong,

Say you're sorry.

It wasn't like that.

It's really important when you've done something wrong to have the strength of character to step forward and say,

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry,

I did this and I'll try and do better.

I'm sorry.

I'll try not to do it again.

Please forgive me.

And I'm sorry.

A true authentic apology is never followed up with but.

I'm sorry,

But here's why it was also your fault.

Or here are the circumstances that made it not my fault.

I'm sorry,

But really it was beyond my control to just stop it at I'm sorry.

Please forgive me.

And if you're in the habit of following it up with but,

It will take some conscious practice on your part.

So I'm grateful to my father for that.

So what happens when you're not able to forgive when you try this practice and you just can't quite let it go?

There's this part of you that needs to chew on it a little longer.

It's grisly.

All the flavors gone.

It doesn't taste great.

My jaw is tired,

But I've got to keep chewing on it a little bit longer.

But then we can get in touch with that part of ourselves that wants to forgive.

I'm not able to forgive quite yet.

But I know there's a part of me that wants to.

And I'm just going to be with that part of me for a while.

Sit with that part of me that wants to forgive.

That's my goodness,

My kindness,

My loving heart showing up.

There's this aspect of me that wants to forgive.

And I'll just be there and sit with that for a while.

Hold it and nurture it.

I remember when I was getting divorced,

My teacher,

Raghunath,

Saying,

When a major relationship like that in your life is ending and you want to make it all the other person's fault,

It's only because you want to smuggle your character defects into the next relationship.

And that hurt like hell.

It was painful to hear that because it was true.

We have our stories about these things when these major relationships and we'll immediately fortify and defend.

We'll immediately put on the armor and we'll start to create the story of how it was all the other person's fault.

And we'll chew on that for however long we need to.

And the true beauty and benefit and opportunity for learning and growth in that situation is to turn the finger around,

Not to blame ourselves,

But to look inward to see how we were a part of this dance,

This relationship,

This cooperation,

This interconnectedness and what our part was in it.

Because that's our opportunity for change and growth.

And that's where the self-forgiveness comes in.

Otherwise we'll leave that relationship.

We will go and find a replacement for that relationship and we'll play it out again.

And I certainly did not want to do that.

So I found out in that moment that I had some work to do at home within myself so that I could allow opportunity for something different.

And there was also opportunity for forgiving him.

And one of the practices I did was to sit in meditation,

Hold him in my gaze and repeat over and over,

I forgive you.

I forgive me.

I forgive you.

I forgive me.

I forgive you.

I forgive me.

And when you do this,

Beautiful things will surface,

Will bubble to the surface.

They might be messy things.

They might not be much fun,

But they're beautiful things that come to the surface,

Awakening and knowledge and truth will bubble up.

And then you can make all sorts of discoveries.

It wasn't I forgive you,

You forgive me.

I forgive you.

I forgive me.

Questions or comments?

We talked about this in yoga teacher training at one point because I was having an issue.

And you had said to me that it was,

I'm trying to think of how you said it because it was really good.

It was the anger for that other person that we were holding onto what they were supposed to be for us or what we wanted them to be for us.

And I definitely see how that can be it.

And yeah,

Expectations.

Yes.

Attaching to expectations of how the other person was supposed to show up in the relationship and they didn't.

And so you let me down.

You let me down.

And now I'm angry at you because you didn't show up the way I had envisioned you showing up.

It's okay for us to go to our loved ones,

Especially in our primary relationships and say,

My needs are not being met.

Some of these needs,

I'm responsible for making sure that they're met,

But in this relationship,

I need this,

Or I hope for this.

It's okay to have that communication with our primary relationships,

Our close loved ones,

But that's different than harboring this fantasy in our head of what this person is going to be to us or for us or in the relationship.

And they don't either because they're not capable or because it wasn't how they envisioned it.

And then we're angry and disappointed and we blame and we hold resentment and fear.

There's fear involved in that.

So yes,

Thank you for reminding me of that.

It's always interesting to me when I'm leading and teaching trainings and workshops and things and I'll say something in a certain way with certain words and the person will come to me later and say,

You said such and such,

And they'll repeat it back.

And it's really pretty different than what I said or what I meant.

I mean,

That one was close,

But this was something that I've really learned over the years is that we hear things in the way we need to hear them in the moment.

It's really interesting.

This is kind of a side note.

It's really interesting about the human mind and how it works and someone will say something and we'll receive it in the way that we need it.

And when they come back and repeat it to me,

I think that's not what I said.

Not really what I meant either,

But it's what you needed.

So perfect.

So this practice of forgiveness and it's parallel to the practice of compassion invites us to really look deeper under these interactions and relationships,

These situations to what's at the core of them,

What's underneath the surface of them.

That's where the practice of compassion comes in.

And I think what comes to mind for me is years ago driving during rush hour.

Actually,

I was a passenger in this car during rush hour on the freeway in San Diego and there was a little dachshund dog on the side of the freeway under a bridge.

So it was trapped against the wall of the bridge on the concrete,

Just in the little easement of the freeway.

And we were in rush hour traffic,

So the traffic was pretty much stopped,

But it was bumper to bumper vehicles.

And I saw this little dog and there are no houses anywhere near and this dog is terrified.

And we just happened to have a towel in the back seat.

So I grabbed the towel and jumped out of the car and went over and just tossed the towel over the dog and wrapped it up in the towel and grabbed it and put it in the back seat.

I wrapped it in the towel to protect myself because when animals are afraid and feel trapped like that,

They will lash out even when you're coming to help them.

And veterinarians do this as well when they're trying to help an injured animal that's hurt and afraid,

It will try and bite and scratch and do whatever it can because it's a survival instinct.

And so this act of wrapping it in the towel was for me to protect me,

Even though I knew I was coming to rescue this dog,

The dog might lash out and attack me.

Humans are no different.

They're no different.

Our survival instinct works the same.

And when we're living from survival brain and we feel threatened,

Afraid,

Unsafe,

We will lash out,

Even at those who have come to help us.

So when we look at these situations that invite forgiveness,

We look beneath the surface at our fear,

Our insecurity,

Our feeling of instability,

Or the others,

The other person's safety and our sorry,

Insecurity,

Instability,

Lack of safety,

Or suffering.

And what's causing others to lash out.

It requires us to be humble.

It requires us to set aside our own expectations and ego,

Even if just for a moment,

To open to understanding what the other person is experiencing.

And it can be especially difficult with someone who has wounded you deeply.

And you may need to do it outside of the relationship years later,

Many years later.

And you might need to practice on the smaller stuff first,

Before you go back to the big stuff and see the monster as human and suffering and vulnerable.

Because we'll create this monster in our mind,

Especially if it's a childhood wound.

The big stuff you might need help with.

There's nothing wrong with that.

So that being said,

As we go into our meditation and reflection,

I invite you not to go for the big stuff today.

Medium to small.

You all know what I mean,

Right?

We all have this whole spectrum,

Like the great big stuff,

The medium stuff,

The little stuff.

So somewhere medium to small.

Stay in that range.

The big stuff will come when you're ready.

And you might need some help.

So get comfortable.

Take off your glasses if you'd like.

If you're more comfortable,

You can turn off your camera.

Lie down if you'd like.

Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths.

Take a moment just to feel your body,

Whatever position you're in.

If you're seated or lying down,

Just feel your body.

If you feel some tightness or tension there,

Just practice softening and letting it go.

It might come right back.

It's okay.

Just practice.

We have the opportunity to practice over and over and over to create the possibility of something new and different.

Bring your attention to the center of your chest,

What we call the heart center.

This area of the chest,

It does include your physical heart,

Also your lungs,

Your shoulders.

This energy center called Anahata is the center of compassion and love and warmth and innate joy,

Inner joy,

And peace.

Take a few deep breaths right into that space,

The center of the chest.

Nice full inhales,

Feeling opening and expansion and soft exhales,

Feeling a sense of softening and letting go.

If we hold any feelings of resentment,

Remorse,

Anger,

Fear,

Or if we hold any feelings of resentment,

Remorse,

Anger,

Fear,

These will be like veils that cloud over the light of the heart.

They might be thin veils.

They might be thick armor,

But they obscure the light of the heart.

Our practice of forgiveness is one of drawing those veils back,

Even if just for a moment.

Now bring to mind a situation in which you feel you didn't show up as your best self or the best way that you could,

Something you might regret,

Maybe something you said or withdrawing love from a relationship as a form of self-protection,

Withdrawing inward and withholding,

Or maybe some dance between lashing out and withdrawing.

See yourself in that moment.

See your sense of sadness or suffering or fear.

You might also envision the other person in the situation or the relationship and their suffering,

Their sadness,

Their fear.

Whatever you discover,

It's okay.

Allow it to come in.

And you see how you might be holding the other person responsible as well,

Feeling that they provoked you or forced you and that your reaction wasn't really within your control.

Take a couple of deep breaths into the heart center.

Relax your body.

Can you see how injuries from the past may have caused the way that you've shown up in this situation or see your unmet needs?

And now mentally whisper,

Forgive,

Forgive,

Forgive.

Can you look into the eyes of the other person?

Mentally whisper their name.

Please forgive me.

I see your pain,

Your suffering.

I'm sorry.

Please forgive me.

Feel their heart.

Feel your own heart.

Breathe softly into the space of the heart.

As you breathe in,

Mentally repeat,

Forgive.

As you breathe out,

Release.

Breathe in,

Forgive.

Breathe out,

Release.

As you do this,

Notice if there's anything within you that will not allow the forgiveness to happen.

And can you look a little deeper beneath the surface at what the reason might be?

Is there any fear regarding being forgiven?

Any block to the intimacy necessary for forgiveness?

The connection?

Maybe some armoring there that you're not quite ready to let go of.

Breathe in to the heart center,

Forgive.

Breathe out,

Release.

Continue this practice.

Breathe in,

Forgive.

Breathe out,

Release.

And see the light of the heart.

You may wish to envision it as a certain color.

See the light of the heart begin to grow brighter,

Stronger,

Larger,

And deeper.

Let go of the repeated mantra now,

Just breathing in and out at the heart center.

Let go of all visions and words and just experience this light of the heart.

The wisdom.

The wisdom.

This light of the heart,

This inner peace and love,

This is who we truly are.

This is who I am.

This is who you are.

When we forget that,

We suffer.

When we forget and we suffer,

We cause hurt and harm.

When we come back to this space of the heart,

We remember love.

This is who we truly are.

This is who we truly are.

This is who we truly are.

It's my honor to serve you.

May you have peace in your body,

Peace in your mind,

Peace in your heart.

Om shanti shanti shanti peace peace peace.

Namaste.