I'm Not Supposed To Have The Life I Have

I'm not supposed to have the life I have.

Statistically,

The odds were stacked against me.

I especially thought love wasn't for me.

That something innately in me made it so love was something that I would always chase and always long for,

But never really experience or have.

When I was growing up,

My parents were alcoholics.

We were the house that loved loud music,

Gatherings.

You know,

People thought of my family as the party family,

And that came with a lot of restrictions from other parents,

Other households.

I was in foster care for about a year.

I was molested.

My family was the poor family,

And in a small town,

The majority treated us as if we were disposable.

Less than.

We didn't matter.

My kindergarten teacher cared so much that my hair was in my face.

Always talking about barrettes,

Needing to put barrettes in my hair and hold my hair back.

But for me,

I was just so proud that I made it to school,

That the routine that I had set for myself made it so I got there on time.

That was more important than if hair was in my face.

And my parents divorced when I was 12,

And it was a devastating,

Messy,

Messy divorce.

And then in seventh grade,

My teeth got knocked back in gym class,

Leaving me with two gray front teeth,

Which led to an interesting self-esteem experience throughout middle school and high school.

And then we moved to an even smaller town,

And I was the new girl with gray front teeth.

And I eventually moved back with my dad.

I understand the depths and injuries that come with unhealthy friendships and unhealthy romantic relationships.

Living a life as a people pleaser because I didn't think I was enough.

That I had to do in order to receive love.

That it was my job to make sure no one ever felt mad at me,

And if they did,

I was obsessed with fixing it.

I've been raped.

I really bought into the belief for a very long time that I just wasn't lovable.

There was something about me,

And it seemed to matter a lot.

About the name I had,

The clothes I wore,

If I did what people wanted.

That seemed to be the answer to being lovable,

To being enough for other people.

The thing is,

I didn't realize I had to be enough for myself.

And even though that was the background of my story,

There was still a part of me that saw the world differently and led me to the life I have today.

I truly believe it came from my perspective.

From my perspective of what was happening and this like inner gift that I had of seeing this silver lining and I strengthened that gift by focusing on it more and more.

I decided to not be angry at my circumstances or the challenges that had been given to me.

I decided that anger just didn't fit me.

It didn't fit the life I wanted,

The experiences I wanted to have.

And so even though I didn't choose the path of anger,

I didn't really trust.

I didn't really trust that the world had my back or the universe had my back or that I was somebody worth knowing,

Worth loving,

Worth having in other people's lives.

So I had this deep belief that I had to dig my way out of.

And because I didn't trust people,

I had this huge wall around me that made my journey more challenging.

So I really started to do my own inner work,

My own self-growth journey.

Learning to expand and to forgive and to understand the reasons behind behaviors,

Behind choices.

And honestly,

Even as I was growing up in,

The majority of the people had negative judgments towards my family.

I never locked into those.

I didn't make those the logical truth of my life.

I obviously did believe them on an emotional level for a long time,

But on a logical level.

I knew that there was more to life than these people's negative judgments of myself,

Because I had the awareness to look and see that their lives weren't perfect either.

And I looked for the kindness and the world,

As Mr.

Roger calls them,

The helpers.

I looked for the people who wanted to make the world better and for people to feel good when they were around them.

I made sure that laughter and deep talks and kindness were present in a lot of my friendships.

Even when they were unhealthy,

They still had that goodness within them as well,

Which is probably why they lasted so long.

And at a young age,

Not knowing this is what I was doing,

But I really focused on what I could control.

So I knew that I could control if I did my homework,

If I spent time studying,

If I colored and signed the lines.

And so I did those things.

I became an expert rule follower,

And I did that very well.

I followed the rules,

I got the good grades,

I did what I needed to do in order to be the person I wanted to be.

To have the life experiences I wanted to have,

The interactions with other people that felt more uplifting than pulling me down further.

I even had someone refer to me as a project.

That I was literally a project,

And I thought,

How short-sighted and unaware.

Because perhaps they're a project for me then.

That I'm here to teach them to not judge based on such superficial and things that are out of my control.

But to judge me for how I show up and the choices I make and who I am as a person.

Or perhaps not judge me at all and only hold space for love.

There were moments in my journey where I did feel the weight of the world on my shoulders.

However,

I also knew that there was this love that was bigger than the weight,

And so even though I didn't understand that I was worthy of receiving the love.

It felt so expansive and uplifting and healing to give that love to others.

And that's what I started to do.

Because again,

I could control that aspect,

Right?

I could control how I treated other people and the things I said and the ways I showed up.

And so I did value that so much.

Which again,

Was that people pleaser.

Because again,

At the time I didn't realize that I was able and worthy of setting boundaries and teaching people how to treat me back,

Right?

So those were all things I learned on my journey.

So that's what I started doing.

I started figuring out what aspects I could control.

What was my part in the equations and the relationships.

And I started doing my best,

Showing up the best I could.

And throughout time my best has gotten better,

Right?

The more I've learned,

The more I've been able to apply,

The more I've been able to shift.

And that's what I want to remind you of.

Is that in this journey of like radical self-love and believing in yourself and knowing your worth.

Is that liking yourself a little bit more every day matters.

It's impactful.

It starts the shift.

Change comes with that.

Looking and seeing the love that's everywhere versus the hate and the cruelty that shifts things inside you.

And this is all progress.

And it all counts.

And when it comes to inner growth,

The small steps are the big steps.

We often think that our self-growth journey,

Our inner work is supposed to just be,

You know,

Like euphoria.

It's going to feel amazing and empowering and enlightening and exciting.

The truth is though,

It's a lot of work.

It's a lot of pain.

It's a lot of uncovering what you've been avoiding.

It's a lot of forgiving.

It's a lot of compassion.

It's a lot of understanding.

It's a lot of setting boundaries and understanding what you want and knowing that the truth is that you are enough.

Even with your flaws and your mistakes and the hurts you've caused others.

You're enough.

You're lovable.

And the most important love you'll ever receive is the love from yourself.

The love you give yourself is the love that heals you the most.

Because sometimes you'll never get those apologies that you long for.

And sometimes you'll never have the relationships that you wish you could have.

And at the end of the day,

It is so important to know that those relationships are flawed not because you are,

But because we're human.

And they're vessels for lessons and for learning and for strengthening our character.

And they show our resilience.

And they teach us how we want to be,

How we want to show up.

What kind of partner we want to be.

What kind of friend,

Daughter,

Son,

Spouse,

Leader,

Employer,

Employee,

Stranger.

It teaches us so much.

So as I said,

Statistically,

The odds were stacked against me.

The standard is to fall into the victim lane and to blame the world and to live in the anger.

But because I was willing to do the work,

I was willing to have the painful self-awareness and to see the patterns that showed up in my relationships that were on my part of the relationship.

I was able to realize that I had the ability to change how I showed up.

To learn to receive love.

To learn to see myself through the lenses of love and goodness and that I was able to receive goodness.

And that whether or not I helped somebody,

I was still lovable.

Whether or not someone was mad at me,

I was still a good person.

I was still enough.

And now I've been in this incredible relationship with Keoni for 12 years.

I'm so glad that I had made the decision to give the next nice guy a chance.

Because it has been one of the most incredible and healing relationships of my entire life.

And I want that for you.

I want you to have a relationship that where you guys show up and you help each other heal and you help each other expand and you push each other in all the right ways.

And I didn't know if I would be able to have a biological child because of some medical history that had been a part of my life and I was blessed to have this incredible son who is so strong-willed and teaches me so much every single day.

And in my family,

My dad and I are the ones who graduated high school.

My sisters did eventually get their GEDs so props to them.

I was the first one to go to college.

And I did get my master's degree.

And even though that doesn't feel impressive to me,

Statistically,

It's a big deal.

Plus I have even more education because I wanted to extend my reach and skills to really make an impact on all the clients that come to see me and spend time with me.

I want to make sure that the service I provide actually makes a difference to them.

I want them to see their value and their worth and to know that their dreams aren't silly and that they can take the risks.

And I believe in them.

And I share this with you because I know everyone listening has your own story.

You have a story of pain,

Of loss,

Of challenges,

And you also have a story of overcoming,

Of resiliency,

Of being stronger than you thought you were.

And I just want to remind you that your story is not over and that even if statistically the odds are stacked against you,

The odds are also in your favor.

There are treasures to be found in your struggles.

There are gifts to be discovered as you find yourself and heal any pain that you've experienced.

Life is this incredible movie that we get to help create.

We get to change the scenes when they aren't working for us.

We get to remove people who are causing more pain and find people who had more joy.

We get to learn to forgive and to see our worth and our value.

We're the directors of this movie,

The author of our stories.

And even in your lowest moments,

You have the power of choice to make the next moment a choice that starts to take you in the direction you want to go.

You get to choose your part.

You get to choose how you want to show up and how you want to love and when you're ready to let love in.

You get to choose what you're going to believe and what you're going to reject.

Because life can be cruel.

There are some really cruel people who exist in this world.

And I honestly believe those cruel people are there because they haven't healed their own pain.

They haven't created a new story for themselves.

So I have compassion for them.

But I know with everything inside me that there is way more kindness and way more love.

And many,

Many more helpers and goodness in this world.

And it is here for you to receive as well.

So today,

I just want to remind you that you're worthy,

That you're enough.

And that the power of choice lies within you.

You get to choose to focus on what you can control and let go of the rest.

I'm sending you buckets of love and inviting you to remember that you're strong enough for the healing journey ahead of you.

And you're strong enough and creative enough to direct your own story.

Sending you so much love,

You matter.

And I'm so grateful to share this world with you.

Have a beautiful day.

Thank you so much for spending some of your time with me today.

And make sure to share this episode with someone and leave a review.

And remember,

You are worthy of incredible love.