Parentification.
Hi,
My name is Yvette.
I am doing a new talk about parentification.
That's because I'm doing a new education,
Family constellations,
And this is a big topic.
And I thought,
Why not make a talk about this,
Hopefully educate people,
And who knows,
It might help listening to this.
So if we look at family constellations,
It's very important that there are principles in the law of order.
So in your family,
Your parents are above you,
Then come their children,
And the oldest child is placed above the youngest child.
And the problem with parentification is when the child thinks they are either above the parents or at the same level,
Which they aren't,
Because they are their child.
So they should be below.
Parentification happens often when,
For example,
One of the parents die,
Or they become very ill,
Or when parents divorce,
When someone has a personality disorder,
When parents are addicted to,
For example,
Drugs or alcohol.
It might also occur when,
For example,
A parent cannot handle the situation when a little brother or sister is handicapped,
Or they die.
And with parentification,
A child will take over the task of the parents,
And they will become the parent themselves.
So then with this law of ordering,
There is no balance.
There's no balance between giving and taking.
And there are two types of parentification.
Instrumental parentification,
When someone is doing,
For example,
Practical things like household chores,
Cooking,
Cleaning,
Taking their brothers or sisters to school.
And this might seem harmless,
Especially when a child is recognized for their tasks,
But sometimes children get these adult tasks too soon.
And the second form of parentification is emotional.
So the child,
On a longer basis,
Gives emotional support to the parents or their brothers or sisters.
And they are sort of being used like a therapist or a coach.
For example,
When one parent is discussing intimate details with their child about their troubles in their relationship,
Or their troubles about finances,
And the child cannot be a child.
They get all these responsibilities and they feel stuck.
So what happens?
The whole family pays,
And even later generations will pay for parentification.
And why does a child do this?
Well,
This comes naturally.
Naturally,
They want love.
They want to take care of their parents.
And these are 10 signs of parentification.
One is they feel extreme responsibility for a parent,
A brother or a sister.
Two,
They hardly communicate their own needs,
Wishes or emotions.
Three,
They don't act like a teenager.
Four,
They have the feeling they were never a child.
Five,
They feel,
For example,
Shame,
Fear,
Or just overwhelm.
Six,
They are carrying the burden of their parents.
Seven,
They have headaches,
Tummy aches,
Sleeping problems,
Feeling nauseous,
Eating problems.
Eight,
The sign of mistrust in themselves or other people.
Nine,
They have shallow contacts with people their age.
And ten,
They are replacing one parent for the other parent.
So do you recognize any of these signs?
In my example,
I would replace one of my parents,
Where one parent would continue to discuss financial problems and their relationship problems.
And I was just a child.
I had nothing to do with that.
And as the youngest,
I also felt extremely responsible for my older sisters.
And of course,
I couldn't communicate my own needs,
Wants and emotions.
I didn't even know I had them,
Because they were just all so overwhelming.
And I had to focus on being responsible and an adult.
I didn't feel like a child from a young age.
And I had sleeping problems.
And of course,
Later on,
The eating disorder.
So what might help?
If you do a family consultation,
It's easy.
They will ask you about the situation of your family.
Who are your parents?
Do you have any siblings?
Do you have any unborn siblings?
Or did one of your siblings die,
For example?
Did one of your parents die?
And then we'll watch what happens,
If there's any movement.
And in a short time,
The one that is taking on the family consultation,
They can see any dynamics between different members of the family.
They can find the cause of this unhealthy situation.
So with parentification,
They see that there is no order.
The child is probably placed next to the parent.
The child thinks they're big,
But actually they're really small.
And there is no love.
There's no love flowing around in this family.
In a healthy situation,
The parent is big and the child is small.
And there is so much love that the child receives that it can grow and become an adult in their own place.
Every child has the need to be seen for warmth and support.
The thing with parentification,
The child learns that they don't have needs.
They don't receive support,
Because there's no space for it.
The parents and perhaps siblings are taking up that space.
So what does the child do?
They will look at and they worry for their parents or their siblings.
And I can tell you,
It's quite a burden to carry that burden in itself.
And we do that because we want to stay loyal to our parents.
We do that unconsciously.
It's very natural to do that.
So then,
If you are doing a family constellation,
It's important to say healing sentences to your parent or even your parents say healing sentences to you.
So if you are,
For example,
Not working with anchors or puppets and you work with real people,
Let the real person say to the client,
To the child,
You are my child.
I am your parent.
You are free.
And as a client or as a child,
You can say to your parents,
I carried this love for you,
But I paid a very high burden.
I paid a high price.
And that burden is for you.
I don't need it anymore.
I will give it back to you.
You are my parent.
I am your child.
And it's very important to go and stand on the right place,
In the right order.
So parents above,
Children below.
Now of course,
In a real family constellation,
More happens,
But this is the basics and even seeing it,
This can be really helpful.
Saying those helpful words and feeling those helpful words will release a lot of stuck emotions.
Emotions you probably didn't know you had.
And let that burden go of parentification,
So that in the end,
There is a natural flow of love.
Now that's not a quick fix for everyone.
That's all you need to do,
Because a lot can happen because of parentification.
It has a lot of consequences.
For example,
Creating your own identity or talking about your needs.
I for a long time,
I didn't know who I was and I definitely didn't know my own needs.
I'm a vivid meditator right now.
I'm really aware of my emotions,
But I had to learn that.
And then another thing which can be a result of parentification,
Is dealing with your emotions.
And guess what?
That's why I made more talks about emotional regulation on my Insight Timer page,
So go check it out.
Thank you for listening and if you have any questions,
Send me a message or if you want another topic handled,
Please let me know.
And I hope you enjoyed this talk,
That it was helpful and that you learned something.
Namaste.
