Hi,
This is Barry Zworestine and welcome to part 8 of the audio version of Which Way Is Your Warrior Facing?
An Operational Manual for Current Serving and Veterans Transitioning into Civilian Life.
Today,
In terms of the lesson for maintaining effective connections with others,
We're going to look at self-control.
And I want to start off with a quote from a veteran.
This is what he said.
He said,
I always try to go in with good intentions,
But as soon as things crank up,
I just lose self-control.
I hate seeing myself like this.
I used to stay calm and focused in all situations when on operations.
My guys always commented on how safe they felt around me because they trusted me.
I felt good about myself.
Now,
I see myself getting dismissive,
Aggressive and cold.
I see fear in my partner's eyes.
I find that it can help if when we become triggered,
We do not see the other as the problem but instead as a messenger.
The messenger is bringing attention to a part of ourselves that needs to be dealt with.
So why attack the messenger?
The messenger is not the enemy.
The messenger is simply delivering a message.
Someone else at another time and place will do the same thing.
If that part of you were not there,
Then you would not be triggered.
What is it in your personal history that is being triggered?
What are the emotions that are arising?
What are your thoughts?
The more you can see and feel the other as neutral energy,
The less likely you will be to attack.
If you are at a point where you become aware of the possibility of losing control,
Then briefly walk away to regroup.
Breathe as soon as you become aware that your stress levels are rising.
Listen and continue to breathe.
It's okay to say,
I'm finding this stressful and I just need to take time out for 10 minutes.
You may have a lot bouncing around inside of you,
But work on creating a gap between the thought and the behavior.
Use your tools to increase your ability to manage how you feel and exercise respectful choices about what you do with what you think and feel.
So brief summary,
Point one,
It can help if when triggered,
We do not see the other as the problem,
But rather as a messenger.
Point two,
The messenger is not the enemy.
The messenger is simply delivering a message.
And point three,
If you are at a point where you become aware of the possibility of losing control,
Then briefly walk away to regroup.
So try this,
Take a moment to breathe and self-reflect.
What comes to mind as you have listened to this?
How would you assess your safety protocols and your ability to define and manage your arcs of fire?
Do you struggle with ADs and a runaway mouth?
Have an honest look at yourself and document your thoughts.
A useful quote,
We can learn to choose what our internal weather is like that we bring to those and the situations around us.
It takes work,
But hard work never ever killed anyone.
The next strategy we're going to look at is the strategy of being able to clarify.
And this is a quote I'd like to begin with from a veteran.
The veteran said to me,
I remember when my wife used to start a discussion about how unsupported she was feeling.
I immediately used to get fired up.
I was doing everything I could to hold part-time work.
I'd been trying to cut down on my drinking and had been seeing a counselor.
The more defensive I became,
The more frustrated she would get.
It was all downhill from there.
It was only when I realized that it was not about justifying or defending my position,
But rather asking for more information and allowing her to talk that we began to make progress.
So if you think about it,
You never rushed into any unmapped territory.
You took time to observe,
Look at the map and identify points of risk.
So why rush in blindly into a conversation?
Ask for more information.
Ask for clarification.
Use questions such as,
Can you tell me more about what you're saying?
Can you give me some examples of what you see me doing?
What would it look like for you to see me as being more supportive?
The very asking of these questions allows the other person an experience of being listened to.
It also creates a stopgap to regroup,
Breathe and ground yourself.
Often,
As soon as we feel listened to,
We are more likely to feel supported and so mission achieved.
So what we're going to look at now is we're going to look at just a very brief summary.
So think about this one.
You never rushed into any unmapped territory.
You took time to observe,
Look at a map and identify points of risk.
So why rush in blindly into a conversation?
Think about asking for more information and ask for clarification.
And remember,
All of this creates a stopgap for you to regroup,
Breathe and ground yourself.
So take a moment now to breathe and self-reflect.
What comes to mind as you have listened to this?
What comes to mind when you reflect on your ability to clarify or understand the other before you expect to be understood?
Document your trigger points,
As well as your strengths,
Areas to manage and successes achieved.
A quote for the day.
Others may at times face us with deeply challenging encounters.
Although we may not be able to change or control what is in front of us,
We have the power to decide how we receive these challenges.
And I'd like to end off with the last strategy,
Which I call arcs of fire.
And a quote from a veteran.
There were so many moments when I just used to lose it.
I'd go off at my family and friends while driving on the road and at my co-workers.
I was like a runaway gun,
Just shooting my mouth off at anything and everyone.
Arcs of fire are there for the sole purpose of not placing others at risk.
In military language,
An arc of fire is the area of the ground,
A unit or individual that an individual is responsible for covering.
It's critical to identify your boundaries and not allow yourself to be abused or used.
These behaviors and the setting and communicating of limits are well within your arcs of fire.
Start to identify these arcs in all situations.
Identify who and what fits into the arc and what is outside it.
Learn to step back from what is outside your arc of responsibility.
Learn to communicate effectively and clearly with what falls within your area of influence.
Learn tools to regulate your emotions.
Remember,
Cock,
Hook and look.
Take a moment,
Breathe and create a space between the situation as you perceive it and your triggered emotion.
First use the cock,
Hook in this space and then have a really good look.
For a moment,
Try and go OP mode,
Step back and get out of the killing ground.
What are you going to do next will define who you are and can be.
You are entitled to feel what you want,
But you are responsible for what you do with those feelings.
Maintaining arcs of fire takes discipline and an awareness of others around you.
Your spouse,
Children,
Friends and others,
Drivers,
People on the street and co-workers are also part of your unit.
They are not the enemy.
So a brief summary is point 1.
Arcs of fire are there for the sole purpose of not placing others at risk.
2.
Learn to communicate effectively and clearly with what falls within your area of influence.
3.
Learn tools to regulate your emotions.
4.
Step back and get out of the killing ground.
What you are next going to do will define who you are and can be.
And lastly,
Maintaining arcs of fire takes discipline and an awareness of others around you.
So again,
Take a moment to breathe and self-reflect.
What comes to mind as you listen to this?
Assess your arc of fire.
Note below on your journal or a page that you may be writing on your strengths,
Successes and challenges.
Identify one or two things you are willing to work on.
And perhaps get feedback from your partner or friends.
Think about what strategies you are going to commit to.
And let's finish off on a quote.
You have a choice to either create positive change proactively and on your terms or allow change and others to deal with you.
So I hope these three support you till we next meet.
I wish you all a good week ahead of you.
Take care,
Look after yourself,
Treat yourself kindly as well as those around you,
And we'll catch up again soon.
Until then,
Take care and goodbye.
