Conflict is caused by resisting love.
Being in close relationships with other humans brings to the surface the parts of ourselves we desperately have tried to keep hidden.
When they emerge,
We try to retreat and blame a lack of love.
But it is the resistance to love that creates the conflict.
Love brings our issues to the surface.
It is because of love and closeness that these issues emerge.
Many of us blame the lack of love for our problems,
But love is a powerful life force and like any strong light,
It casts a long shadow.
To stand in the light of a close relationship,
You have to learn to stand in the shadow.
This happens in all types of relationships,
Friendships,
Romantic partners,
Family,
At work.
Take care to notice the moment this happens.
All relationships begin in stage one.
This state is romance.
It can feel like you are high energetic,
Magic,
Limitless.
Stage two is closeness.
Closeness brings to the surface the unpleasant parts of people's personalities that they have tried to keep hidden.
Up to the surface comes all these unresolved past issues like trust issues,
Authority issues,
And self-esteem issues,
For example.
Because relationships are nature's organic remedies for resolving trauma,
They show you exactly where you have room to grow,
What areas of your life need to be healed,
And what triggers you.
You must master this moment,
The moment of the shadow emerging,
In order to have relationships that work.
Mastering this moment is jumping years ahead in your growth.
Mastery here looks like seeing and saying the truth as soon as the shadow emerges,
The truth as we discussed in the last lesson,
Your internal experience.
Failing to express your truth is never appropriate,
Yet many people choose to keep their truth hidden.
So afraid are they to face unpleasantness that they hide their truth altogether.
Remember this.
It is not nearly so important how well a message is received as how well it is delivered.
You cannot take responsibility for how well another perceives your truth.
You can only ensure how it is delivered.
And by well,
I don't mean how clearly,
I mean how lovingly,
How compassionate,
How courageous,
How complete.
Truth without love is brutal.
Love without truth is hypocritical.
This leaves no room for partial truths,
Brutal truths,
Or plain truths.
It means the truth,
The whole truth,
And nothing but the truth.
So yes,
Do talk about your most negative feelings,
But not destructively.
Failure to express negative feelings doesn't make them disappear,
It keeps them in.
Negativity,
Kept in,
Burdens the body and harms the soul.
Express,
Push out,
And get rid of your negative feelings.
But not all negativity needs to be shared with the person to whom it is felt.
Negativity is never a sign of ultimate truth,
Even if it seems so at the time.
It arises from an unhealed part of you.
This is why it is so important to release them.
Only letting go of them,
Putting them in front of you,
Will allow you to see them clearly enough to see if you even believe them.
Have you ever said things,
Ugly things,
Only to discover that once having been said,
They no longer feel true?
That after they have been expressed,
They no longer reveal how you really feel?
Some feelings are true feelings,
Feelings born in the soul.
Some feelings are instinct feelings,
Born out of fear.
They are not really feelings at all.
They are thoughts masquerading as feelings.
At this point,
The point of the shadow emerging,
You have a choice to make.
You can communicate the truth of your feelings,
Or keep them hidden,
Withhold,
Withdraw,
Project,
Swallow anger,
Don't ask for what you need,
Pull back.
But know this,
It's hard to get ahead in relationships when you are secretly trying to get even.
Effectively expressing your emotional needs is better than the other person magically reading your mind.
It makes you the active agent who can be heard.
It opens the door for a more in-depth,
Full,
Emotional dialogue.
When you are communicating the truth of your feelings,
Make statements instead of asking questions.
Ask questions only when you don't know something you need to know.
Too many people tend to hide statements inside of questions,
Like,
Do you love me,
Is a question that is hiding the statement.
I feel depleted and lost and I'm not feeling the love I need to feel secure in our relationship.
The rewards of speaking the truth about your feelings when the shadow emerges is astonishing.
Energy that would normally be used to play games,
Fight,
And worry in relationships can now be used for creative projects,
Growing,
Or exploring.
You will be able to access more creativity and energy in your relationships than you could ever have access to on your own.
Conflict is a call to compassion,
Not a call to fight.
