How To Identify Emotionally Mature People (Part 6 Of 7)

So,

Welcome,

Guys,

To another session.

Today is the session number six.

It's the last session about the book,

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsey Gibson.

Yeah,

So today we're going to be talking about how to identify emotionally mature people and how to create healthier relationships.

So,

Today's topic is the last topic of the last section of the book,

And we're going to go through a list that you can take action,

Right?

You can really assess,

Is this person emotionally mature?

And you can self-assess,

Too.

Think,

How do I rate on this one?

Am I able to do this?

Do I relate to this?

And it's very interesting because even if you say no,

It's a piece of awareness for you to work on it.

And when I was reading these things,

I was looking at myself,

Oh,

Yeah,

I need to work on that.

Oh,

Yeah,

I am not always playful.

I am not always doing this.

And sometimes this is difficult for me to do.

So that is a beautiful piece of awareness.

And this is something that you can use for yourself and you can use with other people.

Basically,

You can go through these things and you can assess if that person is emotionally mature or not.

Yeah.

So,

Maybe the sound that you guys are hearing is maybe it's the fan of the computer.

That's the only thing I can think of.

So,

I hope it's not turning on a lot.

Yeah.

So,

Thank you so much for joining.

And for those of you who don't know,

All the recordings for the last sessions,

The last five sessions that I did,

They are available.

They are not available on Insight Timer,

But they are available through my profile link.

So,

If you go to my profile and you go to the About page,

The About tab,

There is a link in there.

And then you can click in there and then you will find an option that says Insight Timer Live Sessions Recordings and you will find them there.

Okay.

Amazing.

Okay.

So,

Are you guys ready to go through the list of things that are going to help you identify emotionally mature people?

Are you guys ready?

Yes.

Okay.

So,

The first one.

They are realistic and reliable.

Okay.

So,

They are realistic and reliable.

The second one.

They work with reality rather than fighting it.

So,

They work with what's happening rather than fighting against it.

Okay.

This doesn't mean that they won't work towards changing things that they don't like,

But they normally acknowledge and accept the reality as is.

And from that place,

They take the action that they need.

Okay.

How will you define realistic in this context?

So,

Let me expand on that.

Let me see.

So,

In here,

It doesn't really explain my expanse on it,

But it says being realistic and reliable may sound humdrum,

But nothing can take the place of this basic soundness.

Think of this first cluster of traits as the physical layout of a house.

It won't matter what color you paint the walls if the structure is awkward to live in.

Good relationships should feel like a well-designed house,

So easy to live in that you don't notice the architecture or planning that went into it.

So,

Basically,

Realistic and reliable.

Reliable is that you can rely on it,

And realistic is that it's something realistic.

So,

It doesn't really expand on what it means exactly in this context,

But to me,

Realistic means that the person has been realistic.

It's not lost.

It's in this reality.

It's present.

It's real.

That's what comes up for me.

So,

They work with reality rather than fighting it.

That's pretty clear.

So,

They see problems and try to fix them instead of overreacting without fixation on how things should be.

If changes are not possible,

They find a way to make the best of what they have got.

So,

Basically,

They are willing to work with what is rather than becoming a victim of it.

Okay.

Becca says acceptance of the present.

Yeah,

That's one trait for sure.

So,

The third one.

They can feel and think at the same time.

So,

They can think and feel at the same time.

And it says the ability to think even when upset makes an emotionally mature person someone you can reason with because they can think and feel at the same time.

It's easy to work things out with such people.

They don't lose their ability to see another perspective just because they aren't getting what they want.

They also don't lose track of emotional factors when addressing a problem.

So,

Basically,

They can feel and think at the same time means that they can self-regulate.

They are really good at impulse control.

Okay.

They develop cognitive flexibility that allows them to be present and to put themselves in other people's shoes.

And they recognize what they are feeling,

And they can still be present with it.

So,

This is something that we can create with practice,

Right?

I always talk about self-regulation.

I always talk about feeling triggered.

And how can you create capacity to be with those strong emotions,

To don't let them control you,

To build the capacity so that you don't have to shut them down,

But you don't have to explode with them either.

So,

Finding that balance of,

I am upset right now,

Or I am sad right now,

And I can see your point of view,

And I need a break.

So,

You can ask from that place,

You can take a more intentional and more conscious action,

Okay?

But you can think and you can feel at the same time.

You don't get completely lost in the emotion,

And you don't shut them down either.

So,

That is what it means.

The next one.

Their consistency makes them reliable.

So,

Emotionally mature people are consistent.

They show up.

They are always kind of the same.

You always see the same in them,

Okay?

So,

They are reliable.

They are consistent.

And it says,

Because emotionally mature people have an integrated sense of self,

They usually won't surprise you with unexpected inconsistencies.

You can count on them to be basically the same across different situations.

They have a strong self,

And their inner consistency makes them reliable custodians of your trust.

So,

Basically,

You can trust them.

Because no matter what happens,

You know that they are always going to be there.

They are not going to become something unexpected that you don't know how to manage.

And they basically,

They don't lose control.

They self-regulate.

They stay present.

They show up.

They know themselves really well.

They know their values.

They know their limitations.

And normally,

They show up because they are closer to their true selves.

We were talking about the self-role that we may develop when we are little,

Because our true selves didn't get the attention,

The care,

What we needed.

So,

We created a self-role that it wasn't us.

It wasn't our true self.

So,

Once we can share that,

Once we can get to our true self,

Once we can start expressing from that point of authenticity,

We are going to be consistent across because we don't need to pretend to be someone else.

We don't need to put a mask on.

Depending on the scenario,

We are going to be ourselves everywhere.

And sometimes,

This is difficult to do.

But that is what it means to be consistency and to be reliable,

Right?

You know what that person is,

Who that person is.

So,

I struggle with putting myself in someone else's shoes unless I have had that experience.

Yeah.

So,

Peta,

It makes sense.

It makes sense that you struggle with that.

And that's when imago dialogue,

For example,

Can really help to understand the other person's point of view and the other person's experience.

Many times,

Samantha is going through something,

And I honestly,

I don't really know what's happening.

And then when we do a dialogue,

She has space to express.

And then she shares her reality and the reasons why she felt that way.

And all of a sudden,

I can empathize with that.

I can validate that.

And I can actually understand why she's doing what she's doing,

Why she's feeling what she's feeling.

And it is easier for me to then put myself in her shoes.

But it is true.

Sometimes it's difficult.

Sometimes it's difficult to do that,

Especially when you cannot relate.

When it's an experience,

As you say,

If you have never been there,

If you don't even relate with that experience,

It's really hard to really put yourself in the other person's shoes.

But that's why listening,

Active listening,

Giving them space to express and to share,

That can help us understand how they are seeing the world in that situation.

And hopefully from there,

You can then be more empathetic.

Yeah.

So I hope that makes sense.

Next one.

They don't take everything personally.

Okay.

Emotionally mature people are realistic enough.

And this is another point of view about the realistic that you guys were asking about.

Emotionally mature people are realistic enough to not be offended easily and can laugh at themselves and their mistakes or whatever they are doing,

Right?

They aren't perfectionistic and see themselves and others as fallible human beings doing the best they can.

Okay.

So many times,

Guys,

We feel that everything is all about us.

If someone is looking at us weirdly,

If someone doesn't speak to us,

If someone responds to us on a way that we don't like,

We always have the tendency to make the assumption that we have done something wrong.

At least this is my reality,

Right?

This is how I see the world.

I tend to take responsibility for all facts.

I have done something that upset this person.

And that's why they are displaying this emotion or this expression or this look or this is why they are not looking at me and they are ignoring me or whatever.

But many times when I think about it,

I realize why it has to be about me.

Like maybe I have nothing to do with that.

Maybe they are having a bad day.

Maybe they just came out of the house and had a fight with their partner.

Maybe they are upset because they lost a good friend.

Maybe who knows?

But we have the tendency sometimes to take things personally,

To make everything about ourselves.

And then from that place,

We need to defend,

We need to react,

We feel attacked.

And at least this is I resonate a lot with this.

Many times I find myself taking responsibility for everything that's happening outside.

And many times it has nothing to do with me.

So emotionally mature people are present enough to realize like maybe this is not about me.

Maybe I have nothing to do with this.

And if it has something to do with me,

They can look at it from the distance and they can laugh about it.

They can share it.

They can work through it.

OK,

So they don't take everything personally.

Ah,

Very nice.

Next one.

They are respectful and reciprocal.

So there is respect and there is reciprocity with other people.

Emotionally mature people treat other people as individuals worthy of respect and fairness.

OK?

So you will have the feeling that they are looking out for you rather than being solely focused on their own best interests.

You might think of this trait as being like the elements of a house infrastructure,

Such as heating and plumbing that are essential to make it habitable.

So basically,

They are not self-centered all the time.

They are respectful.

They are in touch with you.

And there is reciprocity.

It is not all about them.

They listen to you.

It seems that they are interested and they are supporting you.

And there is an interaction there.

And sometimes this can happen,

Right?

And I don't know if this happens to you guys,

But sometimes I am in conversations.

I am with other people.

And sometimes I try to create reciprocity.

But sometimes if I don't ask questions,

If I don't speak,

If I stay silent,

Silence happens all the time.

And there is no interaction.

And sometimes it's the opposite.

And sometimes people tell you their stories and then you realize,

Wow,

They didn't ask me a single question.

They don't really know anything about me.

So this interaction was them sharing,

But there wasn't a back and forth.

So emotionally mature people are normally,

There is an engagement.

There is a dance.

There is some interest.

And it feels that they are interested in what you are doing and they support you and they want to know about you.

Sorry,

But what is the crystal around your neck?

It's lovely.

This represents the seven chakras.

Okay?

And I am wearing this because I want to remind myself every day to connect with those chakras,

To activate them,

To try and feel them.

And this is a beautiful reminder.

And every chakra has a color.

So you can see the seven colors here.

And the top one is the chakra here on the head.

And then you have the third eye.

And then you have the throat chakra.

And then you have the heart chakra.

So there are seven of them.

So that's what these rocks represent.

Thank you.

So the next one,

They respect your boundaries.

They respect your boundaries.

And it says emotionally mature people are innately courteous because they naturally honor boundaries.

They are looking for connection and closeness,

Not intrusion.

Okay?

For emotionally immature people,

On the other hand,

Getting close to someone often leads to taking the person for granted.

They seem to think closeness means manners,

Don't matter.

So basically they take advantage of you.

So they do respect your boundaries.

They do honor you as an individual person.

And they try to get close to you,

Respecting those boundaries.

They are not trying to intrude.

They are not trying to take.

They are trying to have an interaction that feels good for both individuals.

So respecting boundaries is very important.

Yeah,

It's truly,

It's a beautiful pendant.

Thank you,

Becca.

Next one,

They give back.

Okay?

They give back.

So basically it says fairness and reciprocity are at the heart of good relationships.

Emotionally mature people don't like taking advantage of people,

Nor do they like the feeling of being used.

Okay?

They want to help and are generous with their time,

But they also ask for attention and assistance when they need it.

Okay?

They are willing to give more than they get back for a while,

But they won't let an imbalance go on indefinitely.

Okay?

So very important.

They are willing to give back.

They are looking for fairness.

They are willing to give more than what they receive.

But if they notice that someone is taking and taking from them for a while,

They will cut and they will put a boundary and they will be strict about it.

And they also will ask for what they need.

Okay?

So they give back,

But they also are able to ask for attention,

For help when they need it.

And they can be concrete.

They can be very specific.

And it can be done in a way that feels well-received.

It's not like a demand.

It's not something abrupt.

It's something like,

It feels nice.

Right?

So very important.

They can give back.

The next one.

They are flexible and compromise well.

Okay?

So this is also about cognitive flexibility.

So many times when things change unexpectedly,

Some people react to that and some people are more flexible.

So for example,

If you are meeting your good friend today at five,

And at 4.

30 they call you and they say that they cannot come or something has happened or whatever,

Some people may use that as a,

Take it personally and feel,

Well,

This person doesn't like me,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah.

And then they will have a hard time accepting that change.

Some other people,

On the other hand,

Will see that as an opportunity.

They will say,

Okay,

Sometimes things happen.

It makes sense.

Well,

You know what?

Now I have this time that I wasn't expecting and I can get to something that I didn't have time for.

And then you can make,

You can roll with the reality.

And this was another thing,

Right?

You accept what is,

And you try to do the best with what that is.

Of course,

If this happens all the time with the same person,

You will then set a boundary because it makes sense.

If the person is always doing that to you,

Then it is a pattern.

But they are flexible and they compromise well.

Okay?

They are looking maybe to see that friend and then maybe they say,

Hey,

I'm sorry,

You cannot make it today.

When can we make this happen?

Or how can we make amends about this?

I really want to see you.

So there is an interest there.

Okay?

It says they can distinguish between personal rejection and something unexpected coming up.

Okay?

So they don't take things personally.

So most emotionally mature people can accept that changes and disappointments are a part of life.

They accept their feelings and look for alternative ways to find gratification when they are disappointed.

They are collaborative and open to others' ideas.

Okay?

When you forge a compromise with an emotionally mature person,

You won't feel like you are giving anything up.

Instead,

Both of you will feel satisfied.

So this is like a win-win situation.

You enter a dynamic,

Something happens,

And no one feels drained.

Everybody feels well.

And this is because both people were mature enough to really ask for what they needed,

Adjust as needed,

And create a request as needed,

And hopefully gain what they needed from the interaction so that it is a healthy interaction.

So flexibility and compromises,

It's important,

Right?

So I am in a long-term relationship where my partner only wants to give to me but is not capable of receiving any from me.

Some might think this is unviable,

But I want and don't know how to have more reciprocity.

Yeah,

Ana,

Beautiful,

Beautiful awareness.

And this is something that you can work with,

Right?

When you say that he cannot receive from you,

Yeah,

When your partner cannot receive from you,

Do you mean is this about intimacy?

Is this about acts of service?

Is this about praise?

Is this about words of affirmation?

Like,

What can he receive?

Or he,

Sorry,

I don't know if it's a he or she,

But what is the challenge that your partner is having about receiving?

Because he will be curious to know what that is,

And then you can practice that,

Right?

You can practice small micro doses of giving your partner small doses of that with his consent or her consent,

Okay?

And hopefully that can be healed.

And also expressing the truth of your heart about how much you want to give,

But you feel that you are not able to give because it's not well received.

Just some ideas,

But it is something that certainly you can work with,

And if your partner is willing to explore different ways,

Hopefully you can find ways to work through this.

Is it possible to be emotionally mature with certain relationships and be triggered by others into an immature response?

Better,

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

And especially now that you guys are learning about this,

You are more conscious,

You are more aware,

And you are going to be practicing these things.

And when you start with a blank canvas,

With a brand new relationship,

You can be the person that you want,

And there is no story,

There is nothing.

You are not bringing anything to that relationship because it's a brand new relationship,

So you can become the person that you want.

When you are dealing with people that know you for the last 20,

30 years,

Even your parents that have known you for your entire life,

There are so many dynamics,

There are so many patterns,

Cycles,

Baggage.

I would say emotional baggage that you are carrying,

And it takes way more work to heal those relationships.

It takes way more work to change the dynamics of existing relationships because you have to confront them.

People are going to expect something from you unconsciously sometimes,

And when you change,

They are going to be confused,

They won't be in that dynamic anymore,

And they need to readjust too,

And maybe sometimes they will disappear for a while,

And then they can come back after as a different person because they have to interact with you differently.

So yes,

It makes total sense that many times you have to do way more work to change existing relationships.

For example,

My wife Samantha,

I met her in New Zealand.

She was in New Zealand because she escaped Canada because in here she was an alcoholic,

She was having very toxic relationships,

And she didn't like who she was,

And she said,

I need to go somewhere else and start from scratch.

So she went to New Zealand,

She landed there,

And she was telling everybody,

I am allergic to alcohol,

And then I don't do this,

I don't do that,

And then she could be whoever she wanted to be,

And then that's when I met her,

And when she was telling me about her past,

I just can't imagine the Samantha from the past.

I have never met her.

I never met her drinking and being drunk.

I've never met her in toxic dynamics.

So many times she shared stories,

And I'm amazed because it's like,

I just can't see you doing that,

And then people from her life,

I can see how there are so many dynamics,

And they can see her like that,

And they are resentful,

Or they are whatever,

And I just don't feel that way because I never had that experience with her.

So that is an example of how she decided to go to New Zealand.

She decided to completely break with every relationship and start from scratch.

It was an opportunity for her to become the person that she wanted,

And then when we came back here,

I can tell you that I witnessed with my own eyes how people around her that were used to the Samantha that was drunk,

The Samantha who would drink,

The Samantha who would be always partying,

They were upset with her.

They said,

Where is the Samantha that we know?

Why aren't you drinking alcohol?

Please have a drink,

And they just couldn't accept it,

And so many times we were in settings with friends,

And then they just couldn't accept the new Samantha.

They just couldn't,

And I was witnessing that,

And it was really painful to see.

So that is an example of how it makes total sense what you said.

It makes total sense.

Existing relationships are the hardest to heal,

But sometimes it's really worth it to do that,

Right?

So the next one.

They are even-tempered,

Okay?

So they are even-tempered.

That means that their temper stays kind of the same majority of the time,

So they self-regulate well.

They don't allow emotions to make them lose control.

So it says,

The sooner temper shows up in a relationship,

The worse the implications.

Most people are on their best behavior early in a relationship,

So be worried of people who display irritability early on.

It can indicate both brightness and a sense of entitlement.

Not to mention disrespect.

People who have a short fuse and expect that life should go according to their wishes don't make for good company.

If you find yourself reflexively stepping in to soothe someone's anger,

Watch out.

So these are dynamics that can happen,

Right,

With emotionally immature people.

They are drawn into anger to the point that they are out of control,

And then you are the savior,

And you go there and you try to save them,

And that is a toxic dynamic that can happen.

It's one example.

So there are enormous variations in how people experience and express their anger.

More mature people find a sustained state of anger unpleasant,

So they quickly try to find a way to get past it,

Okay?

Less mature people,

On the other hand,

May feed their anger and act as though reality should adapt to them.

With the latter,

Be aware that their sense of entitlement may one day place you in the crosshairs of their anger.

And then this is something that I see myself with.

People who show anger by withdrawing love are particularly pernicious.

The outcome of such behavior is that nothing gets solved,

And the other person just feels punished.

So I myself have a tendency to do that.

When I feel angry,

I have a tendency to close my heart,

Because I don't feel safe,

Because I.

.

.

And then that comes from my dad,

Because my dad doesn't have a good relationship with his emotions.

He doesn't know how to express them,

How to share them,

And he will shut down,

And then you don't know what's going on until one day he will explode,

And you don't know why,

And then he will withdraw love from you.

He will set a boundary,

And then you are not allowed to go inside,

And it feels that you are not loved anymore,

And you are not welcome,

And his presence is just painful.

And I have some of that.

So yeah,

Very important to really look at these things and really become aware of,

Do you see these traits in someone else that you interact with?

Do you see these traits in yourself?

And if you do,

That's a really great thing,

Because that means that you are in the position to start choosing something different,

Start bringing presence to that,

And start to choose to stay open when that happens.

That's what I'm doing.

Anytime I feel myself,

I try to don't close.

I try,

Okay,

I can still be present,

I can still love you,

And I can still be upset with you at the same time.

And try to be present with that,

And think and feel at the same time,

And be even-tempered,

Self-regulate,

And don't let emotions take over,

Okay?

So,

There is a special sound.

Guys,

I don't know what sound you are hearing.

There is nothing here that makes a sound.

So,

It must be just the fan of the computer.

So,

Let me see the comments.

And thank you.

So,

Angela says,

Hi Emilio,

How do you manage when a young adult child,

22,

Repeatedly changes their interactions with you?

They demand boundaries.

They want you to be close and spend time with you,

And it's sacred of something happening.

Sorry,

I'm losing your comment.

Yeah,

Sorry,

I'm trying to read the comment,

But every time you guys post a comment,

It just goes up.

Sacred of something happening to me,

Illness passing away.

She has bipolar,

ADHD,

Burnout,

And social anxiety.

So,

I know she's struggling,

But it's very destabilizing.

She can say I am the cause of all her mental health problems,

And I don't care for her.

This is heartbreaking,

But I stay because I know it will pass.

Yeah,

Angela,

It sounds like a very challenging situation.

I think,

Really,

You can,

This reminds me of when I was staying at my parents' house when I was from 14 years old up to 18 that I moved out.

And I remember that at that time,

I was present with my sister,

That she has she has schizophrenia,

And I was present with my dad,

That he's bipolar,

And I witnessed maniac attacks.

I witnessed depression attacks,

And I witnessed all the range back and forth for two or three cycles,

A few months each cycle kind of thing.

The only thing I could do there was to take care of myself,

To make sure that I was taking care of my nervous system,

To practice self-care,

To create healthy boundaries,

Physical boundaries,

And emotional boundaries,

To make sure that I was getting out of the house,

Doing activities that energized me so that I could come back home.

And from that distance that I caught,

I could come back home with new ways of approaching things,

With new energy,

With new strategies,

And feeling more like a tree,

More grounded,

More present,

More stable,

More regulated.

And then from that place,

I was able to then be bigger than the trauma that was happening.

Sometimes I was able to soothe my dad,

Sometimes I was able to soothe my sister,

Sometimes I was able to find strategies that my parents couldn't find because they were in the middle of the storm.

So my recommendation to you is try to soothe your nervous system,

Try to practice as much self-care as you can,

Try to don't take things personally.

As you say,

This shall pass,

But set boundaries if you need.

And yeah,

Just be honest and express the truth of your heart too.

Don't lie.

If you feel sad,

If you feel confused,

If you feel,

Share that with an open heart.

So I know it's a very challenging situation,

But that is my best shot right now.

And it's difficult to give you a really good answer just reading a comment in a chat,

But I feel your pain and I know it must be really difficult to be there.

So thank you for sharing and for being vulnerable.

And thank you for,

Yeah,

Thank you for being present with all of that because it's not easy to be present with all of that.

So next one,

They are willing to be influenced.

So they are willing to be influenced.

That means that emotionally mature people have a secure sense of self.

They don't feel threatened when other people see things differently,

Nor are they afraid of seeming weak if they don't know something.

So when you have an insight to share with them,

They listen and consider what you tell them.

They may not agree,

But thanks to their natural curiosity,

They will try to understand your point of view.

So they are curious.

They really want to understand you.

They really want to get you.

Even though they may not accept or agree with what you are saying,

They are curious about where are you coming from and what do you think this?

Oh,

That's so fascinating that you are interested in that,

Even though I have no interest in that,

But I can see your passion.

So they can relate to that.

They're very flexible.

Cognitive flexibility,

It's abundant here,

Right?

They have the capacity to put themselves in the other person's shoes,

To be flexible,

And they don't feel that like an attack.

And if they don't know about something,

The humility is there.

Say,

Wow,

I don't know anything about this topic.

I would love to hear more from you.

So they don't feel attacked.

They don't feel less off.

And they actually use that experience to enrich their knowledge and to let the other person share.

And they are able to receive that.

So yeah.

Yeah,

So another one is they are responsive.

So once all the basic traits outlined above are in place,

You will also want to seek out people with qualities that give relationships a sense of warmth and fun.

Think of the following traits as essential to a fully rewarding relationship experience,

Just as paint and furnishings are essential to make a house a home.

Okay,

So they are responsive.

They bring playfulness.

They bring warmth.

And you just feel well in the presence of those people.

Next one,

Their empathy makes you feel safe.

So their empathy makes you feel safe.

So you feel safe around emotionally mature people.

Empathy is what makes people feel safe in relationships,

Along with self-awareness.

It's the soul of emotional intelligence,

Guiding people toward pro-social behavior and fairness in dealing with others.

In contrast,

Non-empathetic people overlook your feelings and don't seem to imagine your experience or be sensitive to it.

It's important to be aware of this because a person who isn't responsive to your feelings won't be emotionally safe when the two of you have any kind of disagreement.

Safety is a very important word when it comes to relationships.

Many times,

The reasons why we don't open up is because we don't feel safe.

With my wife,

Many times we don't open up to each other because we don't feel safe.

And for us,

The way to create safety has been lately to do an imago dialogue because that structure,

It's a structure that we both respect.

It's a structure that creates the safety that we need to be able to be seen,

To be witnessed,

To be respected.

And we both enter that structure with a willingness to listen,

With a willingness to don't make the other person's experience wrong,

With a willingness to don't come to fix anything.

So safety,

That's what creates safety for us.

So you need to make sure that you feel safe before you can open up.

Angela says,

I'm so sorry about what you went through.

Thank you for your advice.

I think you are right about getting out and keep working on myself.

I love this life and thanks for you and everyone here.

Yeah,

Angela,

Thank you so much.

I really know from experience how hard it is to be with people that you don't know what's going to happen.

And I remember my mom coming to me crying and saying,

Just saying,

If it wasn't because of you,

I don't know what I will do.

So just imagine me,

I don't know,

14,

15 years old,

Having that in my home every single day and then knowing that my mom was staying sane because of me.

Just imagine the pressure,

Just imagine like,

Wow,

Like I need to stay safe.

I need to stay sane through this because if I collapse,

What's going to happen?

Who's going to take care of us?

And it was really hard to find that.

And for me,

You know what saved me?

I remember I joined a hiking club and every weekend I will go out and I will spend the night in the mountains with people and I will have a great time and I will be in the mountains and it felt like the mountains could just absorb all my sadness,

All my frustration and I will just receive calmness,

Clarity,

Motivation,

Energy and I will come back and I will be able to approach the week in a different way.

And I will be able to show up for my sisters,

To set the boundaries that I needed,

To don't react,

To stay grounded.

And that really,

Really helped me and that was self-care and reading books and doing other things.

But Angela,

Find what makes you feel well.

It doesn't have to be complicated.

It doesn't have to cost money.

It doesn't have to take a lot of time.

Just make sure that you take care of yourself that is not selfish,

That is you taking care of yourself so that you can show up in the best possible way for others.

And you really need this now,

Especially in your situation.

So please don't be shy and take care of yourself as much as you can.

What are the imagined fears when not feeling safe?

So Becca,

What are the imagined fears when not feeling safe?

Wow,

That's going to look different for each person.

That's going to be influenced by your childhood.

That's going to be influenced by the triggers that you experienced from past trauma.

That's going to be influenced by the relationships that you had and the painful moments that you lived.

So there are many different ways of.

.

.

Safety can mean something different for each person,

Right?

For Samantha,

For example,

For her safety,

She can feel safe when I ask for consent about anything.

So if I don't ask for consent and I do something that she's not expecting,

She will feel threatened,

She will collapse,

She will feel unsafe.

And we are working through that a lot,

Consent.

Sometimes to me it feels like a lot of consent,

But that's what she needs to feel safe.

But for every person and for every specific situation,

It's going to look different.

And sometimes you can ask,

What do you need to feel safe right now?

What do you need?

And sometimes you can read the body,

You can see what the other person is experiencing by looking at how are they breathing,

How are they positioned,

Right?

And sometimes we miss those cues.

But guys,

If you are talking to someone and they are like this,

What do you think they are experiencing?

And if you are talking to someone and they are like this,

What do you think they are experiencing?

And sometimes I do this with,

Sometimes someone is talking to me and I didn't ask and they are overdoing it.

And I will literally,

I will literally do this and do this.

And then sometimes they just keep talking and I am like this.

And sometimes they will ask,

Hey,

What's happening?

And hey,

Oh,

Hello.

Thank you.

Thank you for acknowledging that I wasn't even looking at you.

Sometimes you have to be that drastic because they don't get it.

And sometimes it's really difficult to do that.

But with my sister,

So many times I will do that and she will just keep up.

She will not stop talking.

And I will be like,

Well,

There is nothing I can really do here.

You are not even acknowledging my boundary.

You are not respecting me.

You are not.

So I will just leave.

And then I will come back another time and I will ask,

Are you ready to have that conversation?

Are you ready to listen?

Are you ready to make this a two-way communication or is this going to be all about you?

And if it's all about her,

I will say,

Okay,

So you are going to miss this,

This and this from me and that's fine.

I don't need to do any of that.

And then she,

No,

No,

I want that.

Okay.

So how can we make it happen?

So it's very important to become aware of that.

Okay.

So next one,

Wouldn't she have to examine why she feels so unsafe where to ask for consent is excessive too?

Yeah,

Julieta,

We know exactly why she needs consent.

And that's because of sexual abuse in the past.

And that came up in the last couple of years.

And there are specific in the last couple of years.

And there are specific triggers like that she experiences,

And we know where they're coming from.

And this is what we are practicing that,

Right?

Her nervous system unconsciously,

Her nervous system will collapse,

Even though she doesn't want to collapse,

But it will just happen automatically.

And the work is to retrain your nervous system so that the triggers that are unrealistic in the present moment,

You start changing those connections,

You start retraining your nervous system to stop reacting the way it does unconsciously.

And the way you can do that is with a lot of practice,

With micro exposure,

With safety,

And just practice,

Practice,

Practice until you create new pathways.

And until your nervous system connects with different kinds of triggers,

Rather than when this happens,

I do this.

Now I know that that is safe.

But you have to retrain that because when trauma happens,

Many times that is,

It's frozen in your body.

And you cannot,

This is not something that logically you change.

You have to actually change it with your body,

With experiencing your body.

And there are so many people that talk about somatic therapy,

Movement,

Yoga.

Many people talk about that trauma gets stored in your physical body,

And you have to get it out through physical movement.

So it's not something logical.

It's not something that you do with your mind.

That's why so many people promote talking therapy and also promote somatic therapy,

Any kind of somatic therapy,

So that you can move that out of you.

So that is one example.

But again,

Every person is different.

Every trigger is different.

And every situation is different.

And you have to work with what is and find a way,

Find the therapy,

Find the practice that can help you keep healing that.

Okay.

So next one,

They make you feel seen and understood.

Okay.

So they make you feel seen and understood.

They like to comfort and be comforted.

So emotionally mature,

Responsive people have an emotional engagement instinct that works smoothly.

They like to connect,

And they naturally give and receive comfort under stressful conditions.

They are sympathetic and know how crucial friendly support can be.

Okay.

A very important one.

They reflect on their actions and try to change.

So they reflect on their actions and they try to change.

This is really important,

Guys.

This is so important to be able to reflect about what you have done and then to really reflect about,

Wow,

I did this and it didn't work or it didn't give me or it created a negative impact or whatever.

So I can change next time.

I can use my metacognition executive functioning skill to become aware and to tweak and change my behavior.

So that's very important.

They can laugh and be playful.

They are enjoyable to be around.

Okay.

So those are some of the main traits of how to identify emotionally mature people so that you can start creating healthier relationships.

This can be applied with your parents.

This can be applied with your co-workers.

This can be applied with your partner.

This can be applied with your family members,

With your children.

This can be applied for new relationships that you are seeking.

So all of these things are things that you can look at in yourself to reflect and see,

Am I emotionally mature?

What are the areas that I want to work through?

Because I'm noticing that I relate a lot to that and I find myself doing that a lot.

And myself,

I see myself reflected in so many of them in some situations and I am aware of it.

And most likely there are other ones that probably I'm not even aware of and they will show up sometime.

And then I can recognize,

Wow,

Like,

Yeah,

That was me being not flexible or that was me taking things personally or that was me not being able to be empathetic enough with the other person.

So there is something in there that I can work and I can look at,

Right?

That's a lot of pressure for a young person.

I find IT has been a big part of self-care and yoga interception.

Yeah,

Angela.

I remember that at that time I didn't have internet.

I mean,

The internet didn't really exist until 2001,

I think it was,

When I got my first email address that I was at school.

But before that,

I didn't have a phone.

I didn't have internet.

I didn't have a computer.

So I really only went to the library to find books.

So yeah,

It's another world.

Now we have access to so many beautiful tools.

So guys,

This is everything that the book talks about.

I hope that you got some value from these things.

Again,

I really strongly recommend that you guys,

If you found value,

That you really get the book and you have the book to reference,

Like I really enjoy having the book.

I will reference it every now and then.

I will look at it.

And there are some,

At the end of each chapter,

There are some kind of summaries.

And then there is kind of questions that you can answer.

And then they will really give you a lot of information about,

Wow,

Like that is me.

Oh,

Wow,

That is the dynamic that I have with my mom or with my dad.

Wow,

I noticed that I do that when I am with this person.

So it's a really beautiful awareness piece that is going to be ongoing.

It's not something that you do once and forget about it.

It's something that you are going to keep working at,

Right?

So yeah,

The book is called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsey Gibson.

OK,

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.

And this was the last session of the six-session series that I did on this book.

Thank you so much,

Becca,

For typing the name of the book.

Amazing.

Yeah,

So guys,

I hope that you enjoyed this series.

I hope that the first sessions,

They were really tough,

And I know.

But they were the truth.

They were things that we need to look at.

And this session was very,

To me,

It feels really good to know how can I look at myself and look at others and how can I assess the emotional maturity of this relationship and what do I need to work through.

So it's really good.

Thank you so much,

Naomi,

For your beautiful donation.

And guys,

If you have specific questions about this,

If you want to do extra work,

Just come to the Circle.

It's called Your Thriving Lifestyle,

And I will be happy to keep supporting you there.

Honestly,

I'm considering maybe creating a little course on this so that I can support you guys through the course classroom too.

And yeah,

And if you need extra support or one-on-one help,

Just reach out because this is really tough.

This is something that requires work,

Requires consistency.

It's an ongoing process and the dynamics keep happening.

And it takes a lot of work to change them.

I'm not going to lie to you.

It takes a lot of work and a lot of presence and a lot of energy to change dynamics that have existed for 20,

30,

40 years with your parents and with other people.

So it's normal to feel overwhelmed.

It's normal to feel like this is not a realistic task,

But it is doable.

It is possible.

And it's just a matter of keep going,

Consistency,

Right?

If you found value in this session,

As always,

I am really happy to receive donations from you.

And if you have a specific question,

We still have five minutes left.

So I'm happy to try and support you.

So theory,

So for example,

An exercise example that the book has inside,

Okay?

So this is one of the exercises that is inside the book at the end of this chapter,

For example.

And this is basically a summary of,

So you can find this here and then you can put like a,

What is true and what's not.

And you can put a cross here if you relate to this,

But basically here is realistic and reliable.

And it says,

They work with reality rather than fighting it.

They can feel and think at the same time.

Their consistency makes them reliable.

They don't take everything personally.

So you can read each of them and then you can put a cross and then at the end,

It will give you a score.

And then you can then realize like,

Wow,

Like it looks like this person or this interaction is emotionally mature,

Or it looks like this interaction is not emotionally mature and I need to work on this,

This and this.

So that's the goal of this.

And at the end of each of the section of the books,

You have something similar.

So as I say,

It's a wonderful book.

It's very practical and it has beautiful exercises that you can take at the end.

And it also shares a lot of stories from people.

It says,

Meet Sarah,

And then it tells you the story of Sarah and how Sarah is going through that specific dynamic of that chapter or how the relationship between her and her mom.

And then it has a lot of examples from different personas so that you can relate to the stories of them rather than just the content,

The theory of it.

So it's really helpful to relate to stories rather than to just the concept.

Okay.

I don't know if my comments are showing up,

But I sent a donation.

Thank you so much,

Linda.

Thank you so much,

Angela.

Thank you so much,

Terry.

Thank you so much,

Becca.

You are a beautiful role model on how to do the work,

Emilio.

Thank you so much,

Becca.

And we all do our best.

I try to do my best.

Sometimes it's a lot.

Sometimes it's not enough.

But that's the best that you can do.

Just try to do your best.

And sometimes we all drop the ball.

Sometimes we all become unconscious.

Sometimes we all make mistakes,

Do something negatively,

Impact other people in the way that we don't want to.

And then we have to make amends.

We have to repair.

We have to apologize.

But that's when an emotionally mature person shows up and say,

I'm really sorry about what I did.

I didn't mean to do that.

I was X,

Y,

And Z.

I was feeling this.

And I'm really sorry.

Is there anything I can do?

It won't happen again.

I will try my best to change this dynamic.

So you can make amends.

You can make repairs.

You can show up in a different way if you really want to.

Okay.

This has given me more compassion towards others.

I'm glad,

Becca.

I'm glad to hear that.

She has a new book out.

Maybe a session around that?

BD,

I didn't know she had another book.

I will look it up.

I don't know the topic.

But I will certainly look it up because I really enjoyed this one.

So thank you for letting me know.

I will make a search and find it.

And guys,

If you have a specific request about a topic,

Something that you would like me to cover in the future,

Yeah,

Make sure you share it.

You can share it in the comments here.

You can share it in the circle,

Your Thriving Lifestyle.

Or you can send me a message with the topic or with the book or with the challenge that you are facing.

And I will try my best to create content around it if I think I can help.

Okay.

So guys,

Thank you so much for being here.

I hope that you have an amazing rest of your day.

I hope that this series helped you.

And I hope to see you in the next live.

Okay.

The next live will be on Tuesday because I'm going to be away on Thursday.

I won't be here.

We are going to do a family trip.

Okay.

So I hope to see you next week.

The next topic I think is procrastination.

How to heal procrastination.

So I hope to see you there if you are interested in that topic.

And until then,

I hope that you have an amazing time.

Okay.