4 Things That Can Kill Your Relationship (The Four Horsemen)

4 Things That Can Kill Your Relationship Fast Doing these four things is damaging your relationship and according to years of research,

Need to be fixed now if your relationship is going to last.

This will help you recognize these four horsemen,

Learn new alternative behaviors,

And seriously improve your relationship.

I've completed the Level 1 Couples Therapy training at the legendary Gottman Institute.

I was impressed with the amount of research devoted to understanding what makes a relationship work and what key factors contribute to the demise of a relationship.

The Gottmans really know their stuff when it comes to couples.

One thing to be aware of is how couples often engage in four very disruptive ways of relating to one another.

The good thing is there's an alternative or antidote for each one of these four horsemen.

The first of the four horsemen is Criticism.

We've all done it and we all know what it feels like to be criticized.

Criticism is when someone attacks the other person's character instead of addressing the problem at hand or stating their needs.

Criticism is making the other person the problem instead of focusing on the actual problem.

It is the opposite of working together as a team.

Criticism is poison for a relationship because it makes the other person feel small,

Belittled,

Insecure,

Defensive,

And it can trigger old wounds which can bring up feelings of unworthiness.

There's a difference between a complaint and criticism.

A complaint is something we hope our partner can do differently for the health of the relationship.

A criticism is more like an insult that attacks the person's character in an attempt to make them feel bad.

What can you do instead of criticism?

First notice when you are criticizing your partner's character or core.

Once you notice that pattern,

You are now better equipped to start making a different choice.

You've got some agency.

The antidote,

What the Gottman's suggest,

Is a softened startup.

This means instead of going directly into critical mode,

You can try rephrasing your words more diplomatically and more gently,

Stating what you are feeling,

Why you are feeling that way,

And what you are needing from your partner.

Examples.

Here's an example of criticism.

What's wrong with you?

Why can't you do your share of the work around the house?

You're so selfish and lazy.

The softened startup might sound like,

I know you have a lot going on,

But I feel like I'm doing the lion's share of the work around the house.

It feels frustrating because I want us to be like a team sharing responsibilities.

Can we talk about how we can address this issue so that we can be more like equal partners in this area?

Your relationship isn't doomed for failure if criticism is a part of it.

But know it's important to start practicing shifting to a softened startup,

Stating each person's need.

I feel blank because blank.

This is what I'm needing,

Blank.

The second of the four horsemen is contempt.

Contempt is the biggest predictor of relationship failure and divorce.

It involves acting superior to your partner.

It's like attacking the person's character,

Belittling them,

Making them feel worthless,

And acting disrespectful,

Sarcasm,

Insults,

Name-calling,

Etc.

It's actually quite mean and can be acted out with body language like eye-rolling or scoffing at your partner as if what they just said is useless,

Etc.

What can you do instead?

First you can get clear on what behaviors of yours actually fall into this category of contempt and then practice shifting into more respectful,

Appreciative behaviors.

The antidote to contempt is creating a culture of appreciation and respect.

How do we do this?

We should practice small things often.

If you regularly express appreciation,

Gratitude,

Affection,

And respect for your partner,

You'll create a positive perspective in your relationship that acts as a buffer for negative feelings.

The more positive you feel,

The less likely that you'll feel or express contempt.

Another way we explain this is the discovery of the 5 to 1 magic ratio of positive to negative interactions that a relationship must have to succeed.

If you have 5 or more positive interactions for every one negative interaction,

Then you're making regular deposits into your emotional bank account,

Which keeps your relationship in the green.

An example of contempt.

If I had a dollar for every time you blew a job interview,

I'd be rich.

It's pathetic.

When are you going to grow up?

An example of creating a culture of respect and appreciation.

I know you're trying to get a job and I know it must hurt when you get rejected.

Keep getting on that horse.

It takes courage to keep putting yourself out there.

Defensiveness is the third of the four horsemen.

This is when one person makes excuses,

Acts like a victim,

Flips the conversation to attack the other,

So they reverse the blame to make the other person the one at fault.

Although defensiveness is pretty natural,

It really doesn't help to resolve the conflict.

You probably know that any time one person becomes defensive,

The conflict almost never ends successfully.

However,

You also know that when one person accepts their role in the problem or apologizes,

The conflict becomes much more manageable.

This is why the antidote to defensiveness is simply accepting responsibility,

Even just a little bit,

Like partial responsibility.

Examples An example of defensiveness.

It's not my fault the house is always dirty.

You're the one who doesn't clean up the dishes after dinner or throw the clothes in the laundry.

Get off my case.

An example of taking some responsibility.

I understand why you're frustrated,

And you're probably right.

I could do more around the house.

I will try to clean more often and keep my things more organized.

Finally,

We come to the fourth of the four horsemen,

Stonewalling,

Which basically means shutting down.

You know when things just become too much,

Too overwhelming?

We just stop talking,

Look away,

Go into shutdown mode,

All while our partner insists on continuing to talk and work things out.

Stonewalling can also look like acting busy or being distracted with something.

Shutting down can be very adaptive.

After all,

Who can connect with their partner when they are flooded with emotions?

Shutting down is essentially taking a break,

Which can be an act of self-care.

The problem with stonewalling is our partner isn't sure what's happening exactly in that moment and it doesn't move the conflict towards a resolution.

Stonewalling usually happens as a result of one or more of the other horsemen finally taking a toll and one person becoming physiologically unable to confront and manage the conflict.

This might involve increased heart rate getting triggered,

The nervous system moving into fight-flight or freeze.

The antidote to stonewalling is self-soothing.

This means having some tools to get back online and engaged.

We can do some breath work,

Positive self-talk,

Small microbe movements to come back into the moment,

Into the body,

Taking a time out to help the nervous system reset.

When we are flooded,

Our nervous system goes into fight-flight or freeze and intimacy,

Connection and healthy communication become all but impossible.

So learning how to self-soothe is vital for mental health and the health of the relationship.

Some examples of stonewalling,

The man is staring down blankly,

Tuned out or zoning into the TV while the woman continues arguing,

Even if she's the only one talking.

The man's thinking,

I just need to put up with this for 10 more minutes until the game begins and then I can zone out with the game.

An example of self-soothing,

Honey,

I know this is an issue we need to resolve,

But I'm feeling overwhelmed and unable to work on this now.

Is it okay if we take a time out so I can gather myself?

Can we pick this up after the game,

Which will give me some time to gather my thoughts?

So now you know the four horsemen and this is the first step to becoming a relationship master.

Let me know what you think and I hope you enjoyed this content.

Thank you.