Overcoming Fear *Motivational Talk*

So,

Today I want to talk about overcoming fears and I know there are a lot of talks about fears and failure and as some would say the big F word.

But I feel I have a personal perspective to offer about fear and failure and I would like to share it with you all today.

So the way that I understand fear,

I think some people may have heard of an acronym,

You know,

F.

E.

A.

R.

False Evidence Appearing Real and I personally resonate with that because I think if you research on a scientific level,

You understand the ability of the mind's eye to create things,

To create things that weren't in existence before and make them into something that exists,

Right?

And so if fear is defined as something that is false evidence appearing real,

Something that we perceive,

It seems that if we change our perception of things,

Perhaps we may be able to change the actual thing itself or even further,

Perhaps we might be able to change the outcome.

And so it's really amazing when you think about possibilities,

Right?

And the idea of duality.

Okay so I'll use myself as an example.

I may be super outgoing to friends and family in new social situations where I don't know anybody,

I may be really,

Really timid and cautious.

In my work setting,

I may be very studious and disciplined and not much of a chatty Cathy,

If you will.

In relationships,

I may be an overachiever,

A big giver and always saying no to help.

And in my relationship with myself,

I may be a disappointment,

Setting personal goals that I never seem to be able to reach.

On some level,

I just explained to you the personalities of five completely different people,

Right?

And in my experience,

There's this element of duality or multiplicity or and there was like this old movie in the 80s called Multiplicity,

Which was kind of funny.

But essentially,

The main character somehow gets cloned into three,

I think it's three versions of himself.

And they're all him,

But they're all three entirely different people.

And the story plot kind of plays out.

And it's kind of a comedy.

But I think there's an inherent message in a movie like that,

Where we all live that multiplicity,

We all live a part of this duality.

We are such complex human beings,

That it's all we're not just sheets of paper,

You know what I mean?

We're not just flat characters.

We have character development,

Which I think is a very polite term.

And some would call it character development,

And some would call it functional schizophrenia,

Right?

I don't use either of those terms.

I think they're a bit too harsh and judgmental.

And they carry too much stigma for me.

And I just talk about the duality of things,

The balance of things.

And anybody who knows me,

And I've talked about this before,

But balance is a really,

Really important kind of moral compass for me in my life,

And among other things.

But understanding and accepting your multifacetedness,

Your layers,

Your duality,

Your multiplicity,

Your changing behaviors,

Your fluidity,

Your chameleon-like attributes,

Your ability to code switch,

Whatever you want to call it,

Is something that we have all developed in one form or another.

Most of us in my observation have experienced extreme pain on some level and extreme joy,

Right?

Whether that joy is eating mint chocolate chip ice cream and the pain was stubbing your knee in the middle of the dark on the end table,

Right?

Or if that pain was losing a loved one,

Your grandfather will say,

And that joy was when you had your first child,

Right?

So we've all experienced kind of this pendulum swing between the ultimate highs for some and the ultimate lows.

And my prerogative in this life experience is continuing to swing that pendulum towards the center.

And even when I feel like my perspective of something errs on the painful side or my perception of something takes me to this high,

High elation of joy and happiness,

That balance is really,

Really key.

And there are a lot of really practical analogies I could tell you.

One example is if you drive a car and you wake up in the morning and you turn the car on and you drive,

You warm up the car in your garage,

We'll say,

Because you're really,

Really trying to take care of your car,

And you warm it up in the car,

Excuse me,

In the garage,

You drive to work.

When you get to work,

You leave the car running for eight hours.

The car is running for eight hours.

You leave work,

You drive home,

You put it in the garage or you park it on the street and you leave it running.

And you leave it running for like,

I don't know,

Till like maybe midnight,

Maybe one in the morning,

Something like that.

And then you decide maybe I'll turn it off for a little bit.

But you get right back up at 5 a.

M.

And you turn the car back on,

Right?

Eventually what's going to happen?

Well you'll probably run out of gas at some point if you continue this cycle of never turning your car off.

You'll have crazy maintenance issues.

You're creating all kinds of pollution.

It's very dangerous.

Your car could actually explode.

And in general,

You'll be doing horrible damage to your engine.

And what am I saying with this analogy?

Well,

Us as humans,

Our bodies are very,

Very similar in the way that they function,

Right?

We have a heart that pumps blood and oxygen into our veins.

We have lungs that bring oxygen and expel carbon dioxide.

We have a brain that serves as,

You know,

Kind of the place where our nervous system connects with the rest of our body.

We have a digestive system,

You know,

That works similar to the way that an engine in a car does with many different parts and pieces that make something happen and takes in the fuel and exits out the waste and uses it in between.

And so when we run our bodies into the ground and we never,

Ever,

Ever,

Ever,

Ever turn them off,

We don't get enough rest.

We're chronically overstressed.

We have poor eating habits and we literally become like people who don't move.

Like literally we become so stiff.

We're doing the same kinds of damage,

You know,

On an analogous level to our bodies as you would do to a car and you would never leave a car running all day long.

Like nobody in their right mind would ever do that.

And yet we treat our bodies,

Our physical bodies much worse than we treat our vehicles.

Right?

And so the idea that in certain situations we behave a certain way and in other situations we behave differently is totally fine.

There's nothing wrong with that.

But when we continue to stay too much in overdrive or we stay too much in underdrive,

That's when the problems develop.

You know,

There's such thing as high blood pressure,

Right?

I'm sure we've all heard of that.

But then there's also something like low blood pressure and there's problems associated with both.

And so for me balance is a really,

Really important concept that I feel expands all topics,

Conversations,

Whether you're talking about getting enough rest or whether you're talking about being adventurous enough.

And so when it comes to I guess this idea of failure,

Because we may be comfortable in being a certain kind of person most of the time,

If we try to merge some of those identities and create kind of this balance where we're not living in such extreme conditions,

Whether that's mentally yourself,

You know,

Your kind of mental chatter,

Your self talk,

Whether that's physically we're always doing hard,

Arduous,

Intense,

Strenuous,

Heavy work with our bodies,

Whether that's emotionally,

We're always just like tightly knit,

Disciplined,

Strict with ourselves,

We don't allow ourselves to release,

To have cathartic release,

To cry,

To experience the emotions that are uncomfortable,

Whatever level of imbalance we're experiencing,

When we try to step out into those other areas and kind of bring that pendulum swing back towards the center and balance things out.

It's scary.

It's very scary.

I'm the first one to admit it's very scary.

And then somehow also so necessary.

And so for me,

My conversation around fear and failure brings me back to balance and how this operates in my life is,

You know,

I see I'm not I'm not the kind of person who's necessarily going to quote unquote confront my fear,

Right?

If I'm afraid of heights,

I'm not but if I'm afraid of heights,

You know,

For me going bungee jumping is not going to conquer that fear.

Why?

Because it's one moment in time where I may still be feeling the fear and then I bungee jump and I'm still super scared of heights.

And then I did it and I'm like,

Yeah,

I conquered that fear of heights.

Now I can move on with my life.

But most likely if I'm afraid of heights and I go bungee jumping,

I'm probably not going to do it a second time.

Right?

That was like a moment of bravery,

In my opinion.

And so actually working towards a balance is requires multiple moments of overcoming.

And some people overcome by not not by confrontation.

Some people overcome by revelation,

If you will,

Unpacking,

Getting to the root of the problem.

Maybe I'm afraid of heights because when I was four,

I fell off of a slide at the playground and my parents weren't there to catch me and now I just am afraid.

Okay,

That's something that we can talk about.

Right?

And so this fear,

And I'm putting this in quotes,

This fear of failure is something that's very,

Very tangible.

But it's also something that takes time.

And you can be afraid of the dark,

You can be afraid to quit your job,

You can be afraid of intimacy,

You can be afraid of being overweight,

People can be afraid of a lot of things,

And they may very well have justifiable reasons for feeling that emotion.

And so for me,

Confronting that in a kind of attacking way doesn't seem very helpful.

But rather acknowledging the root of your fear.

What are we really talking about?

What are we really getting at?

And understanding that the duality or the multiplicity or the varying aspects of who you are in different situations is okay.

It's okay to be different.

It's okay to be weird.

It's okay to feel like you're out of balance.

It's okay to feel like you're out of whack,

You know,

It's okay to feel strange and discombobulated.

Right?

A lot of times in those spaces of discomfort,

That's when we are able to work through the kinks if we decide that that's something that we want to do.

And so using your mental strength and the ability to use affirmations,

Right,

Speak what you want to happen into existence.

And by affirmations,

I don't mean some sort of woo woo magical thing.

I mean like intentional thought processes,

Intentional words and repetition.

Right?

I can say,

You know,

I am a controlling person.

Right?

That's a very definitive statement.

That's like I equals controlling person.

I am a controlling person.

I and the am is basically to me equal sign,

I equals controlling person.

Now the other way I can frame that is I can say something like historically,

I have exhibited controlling behaviors.

But that's changing.

Whoa,

Those are powerful words.

Right?

The idea that I can use my words to create a new reality that beforehand wasn't even possible in my mind's eye.

That's what I mean by affirmations.

So affirmations don't have to be what somebody else wrote.

They can be living,

Breathing real live moments in time,

Sentences,

Words,

Thoughts,

Actions that make room on a quantum physics,

Metaphysical,

Energetic,

Spatial,

Theoretical,

Tangible plane,

That opens up the door for what you want to come through.

People use it with their kids all the time.

Right?

They'll say like,

Oh,

You know,

Sean,

He doesn't do well with reading.

That's a pretty heavy statement.

Right?

But if we say,

You know,

In the past,

Sean has struggled with reading,

But that's changing.

We don't have to be so sure about what it's going to change to.

We don't always have to pin that down.

But just the idea that that can change and using an ing verb,

Like ing,

Like happening in the moment changing,

I think it's called present progressive,

You know,

In our language,

It does something in the brain and it triggers something and opens up your ability to create.

So anyways,

That's what that's what I mean when I say affirmations.

And so when you're overcoming this,

This fear of anything,

Or rather a fear of failure,

One of the first steps is recognizing the root of that fear.

Like I said,

With the bungee jumping analogy,

Just because you have a fear of heights and you go bungee jump does not mean that you've overcome your fear of heights,

Because unless you've actually,

Unless you would actually do it multiple times,

It was just a moment of bravery,

Which is great.

And that's totally part of the process.

But there's more work to be done.

And so being afraid and being nervous and feeling like out of balance is a totally okay thing.

Right?

And it's part of the human experience.

Our body on a cellular level is infinitely trying to maintain homeostasis,

Which is essentially balance,

Right?

Everything we take in the air,

The water,

The food,

Energy,

Right,

Everything we touch,

We smell everything we put in our hair on our bodies,

Every conversation that we have since before we were conceived,

Is embedded in who we are.

And our body is always trying to regulate that balance to keep us alive and ticking.

And so it would only be right that we as living breathing human beings are also constantly seeking balance.

So you may go through a period of time where you feel like you're really,

Really on track.

Things are working out,

You're getting your rest,

You're having great relationships,

You're doing well in work,

Your family relationships are gelling,

Your career is blossoming,

Whatever your thing is going really,

Really well.

And then you may hit points,

You know,

Where you can't recognize why things have changed,

Where things just feel like they're all of a sudden out of whack.

You're getting back pain,

You're not feeling well,

Your tummy is aching,

Your kids are acting up,

Your partner is pissed off all the time,

Your boss is being crabby,

Traffic is bad,

Right?

Like all these little moments.

And so if our physical body on a cellular level is always trying to maintain balance and always taking in so much input and always trying to output what we don't need and trying to keep us safe and in harmony with ourselves and with the earth and the world and other people and things like that,

Then it only makes sense that,

Or perhaps we can accept that it only makes sense that we as human beings in our experience are also always constantly finding a balance.

And that the moments when we're not feeling in balance or we're feeling out of whack is okay.

It's okay.

It's totally fine.

Right?

And then we recognize that I'm feeling a little off today.

And then we make adjustments.

And we get ourselves back in harmony with ourselves or whatever we're trying to do.

And so the failure aspect that comes along with fear for me is really highly intertwined with the root of the issue and understanding that things can shift.

We can shift our purpose of perspective.

We can shift our use of time.

We can shift our mental thoughts.

We can shift our relationships.

If all of these things are permeable and fluid,

Then if we so choose,

We can also be permeable and fluid,

Right?

We can pass through things and move through to the next thing,

You know,

Maybe in an altered state,

But maybe in an altered state for the better.

So I just want to offer that as a couple of little nuggets for thought,

Food for thought,

Words for thought,

Thoughts for brains.

And so if you think about it like this,

Right?

If you look at a star,

Everybody loves stars,

Right?

Oh,

The stars are so beautiful,

You know,

In the sky.

On like a metaphorical level,

People will say,

You're a star,

Meaning you're bright,

You're shining,

You're illuminary,

People are attracted to you,

Whatever.

Okay.

So if you look at a star,

A star,

You know,

On paper in a 2D form has five points.

The star has five points,

Which means it has five different aspects that are not the same.

And if a star only had one way that it could be and only had one point,

It wouldn't be a star anymore,

Right?

What would it be?

It would be a triangle.

Okay.

And triangles are nowhere near as glamorous as stars,

Right?

And so if you understand the dynamic of that,

Then when you look at the human,

It's only right that we have all these different things that are going on,

All these different aspects.

That's what makes us brilliant.

That's what makes us special.

If we only had one way that we could be,

Do,

Think,

Breathe,

Smell,

Eat,

Then we wouldn't be who we are.

We will be flowers or something.

So I just offer that as thoughts for brains to think about.

And you know,

If you're feeling a little bit concerned with messing up or making a mistake,

You know,

I want to offer the encouragement that you can rest on the fact that fluidity and change and shifting is a part of the world that we live in.

There are very few things that are actually static,

Meaning never changing.

The mountains move however slow,

They erode,

Even though it may not be easy to see from the human eye.

You know,

Our bodies are shifting.

Every seven years or so our bodies completely replace themselves with all new skin cells,

But you would never look at that and see it exactly.

So you know,

The shifting and the changing is always happening.

And if you're feeling stuck or unsure or afraid,

It's okay.

It's okay.

You don't have to run away from that.

You don't have to tell yourself,

Don't be this thing.

Don't be scared.

Don't cry.

Don't be needy.

Don't be sad.

Don't be frustrated.

Right?

Because it's kind of counterproductive.

It's okay.

That frustration could lead to something really amazing if you if you choose to let it.

You know,

So if you're feeling a little a little stuck and unsure and afraid,

Sit with that.

Maybe you're journaling.

Maybe you're recording podcasts like I'm doing right now as your cathartic release.

Maybe you talk to a friend.

Maybe you just talk out loud to the space in your room,

In your apartment,

In your living room,

In your car.

And find an outlet and a way to let go.

And by let go,

I mean like let the word come out of your mouth,

Let the feelings erupt,

Let the tears flow,

Let the anger come out,

Whatever it is.

And just sit with that.

And know that these emotions that you're feeling,

They don't have to be static.

They don't have to stay there all the time.

They can change and they can shift and they can move.

Just like every other part of your world,

Our world,

As stable as the earth is,

It's always spinning.

Right?

But you don't feel it.

You know?

So even in stability,

There has to be movement.

Right?

Like a stable building or structure that's built in a foundation,

It's stable because it's flexible.

They,

Yes,

They build it out of concrete and yes,

They put in those steel beams into the ground but they put them in such a way that as the earth shifts,

And you can ask any architect this,

As the earth shifts,

The building shifts with it.

However minuscule and minute it is,

A really,

Really sound,

Stable,

Strong structure is one that is adaptable.

Right?

That's why you go to a grave site in Europe somewhere and you see all these gravestones popping out of the ground and who knows,

You might see a finger popping out of the ground too,

Trees have grown.

Right?

Like they put those cement blocks into the ground expecting it to be a certain way and oh no,

That stuff shifts and it changes.

And so I offer that as encouragement that if you're going through something really tough right now,

It's okay.

It's going to be okay.

You know why?

Because it won't be forever.

Right?

Okay?

And even if it's a physical ailment or I don't know,

Maybe you had a part of your body removed or you know,

Things that feel very,

Very much forever,

First of all,

Your nerves remember that stuff.

And second of all,

The state that you're currently in can change too.

So that's what I'm offering as encouragement for today that fear and the fear of failure is an okay thing to feel.

I don't have any get rich quick schemes on how to avoid fear and how to avoid failure.

That's just not a reality.

Right?

You can listen to any self-help book,

On tape,

Audio,

YouTube video,

In-person conversation with a successful quote unquote successful person or entrepreneur and what are they going to tell you?

You can Google right now and find 50 million different quotes about failure and how necessary it is to success.

And so I don't have any fix me,

Helena tips on how to avoid fears or how to avoid failure but I can say that letting that emotion come through,

Sitting with it and recognizing where it's coming from is a really big step in the right direction and being able to recognize when that comes up for you and working with it.

There's this great analogy that I like to use about emotions and I'll end with this.

If you were born say with your right forearm missing,

So you have your whole left arm,

Fingers,

You know,

But your right arm it only grew to the elbow and you're born with just your right arm to the elbow so you're missing the whole forearm,

The hands,

Fingers,

The wrist,

All that stuff and you're going through life and you're like man I really wish I had a whole arm,

You know,

This little arm it's whack,

It's stupid,

I can't do anything with it,

It sucks,

I suck.

The reality is your body is never going to grow the rest of your arm,

You're born without it,

It's just not happening,

Right?

That's a fact,

Okay,

But or and you can get a prosthetic limb put on there and boy oh boy it's going to feel like you can use that arm again,

It's almost like having that whole entire arm and the idea here is that emotionally some of us are just born with certain kinds of traits,

Certain things we have,

Certain things we don't and there's nothing we can do about it,

Right?

If you've been through a big T traumatic situation or a little T traumatic situation however you judge those differences that's a thing,

It happened,

That's a fact,

It's real,

Yes,

I can acknowledge that,

Right?

At the same time you can always get a prosthetic put on it to allow you to function and so emotionally an emotional prosthetic means you find ways to cope with what you're dealing with,

You know,

You maybe have been born with only part of an arm,

That arm is never going to grow the way you would want it to look and that's just what it is but you don't have to stop there,

You can continue building that story,

You can get a prosthetic arm and put it on there and get some function and mobility and use that arm anyway and so emotionally when we've been through difficult things sometimes we shut down,

I'm just an angry person,

I'll always be angry,

Right?

Or you know my dad was you know just depressed and now I'm depressed and that's just the way it is,

Okay we can acknowledge that,

That's how you're feeling and that's what you're dealing with and you know that's what it is but there's always hope,

It's really true,

There's always hope,

There's always a possibility to find a way to work around what you've been given in this life and to find functionality and usability of that limb even if it feels like you're missing a whole big chunk,

You know?

So don't give up,

Okay?

And know that everything that you've been through,

Yes it's a part of this experience and yes it can be a part of your story but it doesn't have to be the defining parts of your story,

Right?

There's always room for interpretation I like to say and because you're one of those stars with all those different points on it and that's what makes you special and that's what makes a star different from a triangle,

You know,

It's okay,

It's okay.

So if you don't do anything else acknowledge what you're working with and start building a way to cope with it,

A healthy way,

You know,

Get that prosthetic emotional limb popping off,

Right?

So that is my motivational encouragement speech today that if you've been through something crazy crappy that sucks it's okay.

I may not have felt what you felt and I may not have experienced what you experienced exactly but I know that each and every one of us is a reflection of one another on this earth and in this experience and there's something that for me was heavy like that was for you that I experienced in my life so I can understand how that must have felt because I felt pain like you felt,

You know?

And it's okay,

It's okay and it's going to be okay,

You know?

And working to understand how and what that is for you is really really really important step so that you can create that prosthetic so that when that comes up for you you know how to cope with it,

You know how to deal with it,

You know how to function with it.

Missing that part of your arm doesn't debilitate you that it can actually be an asset in some ways so don't give up out there,

Hang in there,

You have something very special to give and we need you,

We need each other,

I need you,

That's just the truth.

So I appreciate your listening ears and I hope something I said was meant for you and yeah,

I wish you a lot of peace.

And if you're having trouble with that emotional part,

There's a podcast that I did about why crying sucks that you should listen to,

That you could listen to if you wanted,

That might help because I hate crying.

I shouldn't say hate,

That's a strong word but I am learning to enjoy the cathartic release of crying because I know it helps me in other ways but it's just not always awesome.

Even though you always feel better afterwards,

The going through part is like bleh,

Who wants to do that?

So anyways,

Much love to you all and I will talk with you later.

Bye.