Attachment

Hello,

It's me,

Joe,

The Autistic Buddhist.

And in this session,

I would like to talk about the Buddhist teaching of attachment.

Of all the Buddhist concepts that I have studied over the years,

The concept of attachment has proven to be the most challenging.

I found it difficult because it appeared to me that this concept presented as a contradiction.

Avoid attachment,

But I'm attached to Buddhism.

Avoid Buddhism?

I had a hard time understanding this concept correctly.

In addition,

I have heard attachment spoken of from a traditional and modern perspective,

Which only served to confuse me further.

In this session,

I would like to specifically talk about where does the concept of attachment originate from in Buddhism.

Secondly,

What is attachment?

And lastly,

The concept of attachment as it relates to autism.

Let's start with the Buddhist origins of attachment.

How did Buddhism arrive at the idea that a thought about wanting or desiring something can be the cause of harm?

It started with a fundamental aspect of Buddhist philosophy called the Four Noble Truths.

What you need to know about the Four Noble Truths in Buddhism is that they are stated as truisms.

Buddhists accept the Four Noble Truths as undisputably true.

To simplify it,

For a Buddhist,

The Four Noble Truths could also be called the Four Facts of Life.

The Four Noble Truths are,

One,

The truth of suffering.

In this life,

We're going to suffer.

Another way of saying it is we're going to experience a sense of dissatisfaction or unhappiness.

And the word suffering in the original language actually does mean a sense of dissatisfaction or unhappiness.

And as long as we live,

We will experience suffering.

The second noble truth is about what causes the suffering that we experience.

And this is where attachment comes from.

The second noble truth is the truth of the cause of suffering.

And the answer to that is attachment or desire.

Basically,

The cause of suffering is wanting something to be the way you want it to or expecting something to turn out the way you want it to.

The third noble truth is that the end of this suffering,

This dissatisfaction,

Can be ended in this lifetime.

And that is important.

Unlike some other religions that promise an end of suffering in a life after this one,

The third noble truth declares that suffering can end in this life.

If the first noble truth states that suffering is a given in our lives,

Then the third noble truth says it doesn't have to be.

The fourth noble truth is that you can be freed from suffering.

So how do you get rid of this suffering,

This unhappiness?

The fourth noble truth says that the way to end this suffering is to follow the Eightfold Path.

Now,

I'm not going to get into the Eightfold Path.

That's a whole different session on its own.

And you can find out for yourself what the Eightfold Path is just by doing an internet search,

Typing in Eightfold Path,

Buddhism,

And you will come across a variety of websites and information that will explain it to you.

So the notion of attachment comes from the second noble truth as it indicates that the reason we suffer is because of attachment,

Because of a desire,

Because of wanting.

Let's define that a little bit more specifically.

What is important to understand is that in Buddhism,

Attachment is not about an attachment to objects or things,

But an attachment to the idea or thoughts we have about objects or things.

So attachment is not about being attached to your new car,

But the thoughts you have about owning your new car.

For example,

Let's say that you have seen a sweater in a store and you want to buy it.

When you go home,

You start to think,

What if someone buys the sweater before me?

What if they don't have the size I want?

Or what if the store closes down on the day I plan to buy the sweater?

What you are doing is you are allowing your thoughts about having the sweater cause you distress.

In this example,

Someone could say you are attached to that sweater and that's causing you suffering,

But that is not accurate.

What you are attached to is the idea of the sweater,

The thought of having it,

Of gaining possession of it.

It is that thought that will be the source of your suffering,

Not the sweater itself.

A common error that is made in reference to the Buddhist principle of attachment is that non-attachment is the same as nihilism.

Attachment or nihilism is not seeing the value of aspects of life,

Seeing no value in anything,

Which causes a persistent negativity.

It's simply apathy.

If I am nihilistic about something,

Like buying a book,

Then I don't see the value in anything associated with the book,

Whether I own it or not.

Whereas if I am unattached to the idea of having the book,

I still see the value of owning it,

And I still see the value that others see in it,

But I am not negatively impacted by not owning it.

It is still a book,

It's still a book I want,

But not getting it is not a tragedy.

What about attachment today?

Because when Buddhism started talking about attachment,

It started talking about attachment in a different culture,

A different environment,

And a different time.

And there are stories in Buddhist literature regarding Buddhist monks living on a mountain or a cave,

Giving up or letting go of all attachments.

And I am sure,

With the right effort,

Under the right circumstances,

Conditions,

And environment,

One can drop all attachments,

Be simply attached to nothing.

But the question is,

Would we want to?

When we think about it,

Would it be to our benefit to get rid of all attachments?

What about an attachment to making a really good meal,

Or being a good cook,

Or an attachment to promoting the arts,

To enjoying time with our families,

Or the attachment to a loved one or a pet?

Would we not lose something of importance if we got rid of those attachments?

It is true that attachment will bring you suffering.

That is undisputable.

If you have a good relationship with someone,

Even if you love someone,

There will be times where you will suffer disappointment,

Distress,

Or unhappiness.

Those moments may not last long,

And the benefits may outweigh the negatives,

But you will still need to manage those negatives.

A parent may love their child,

But there are times that that parent will be disappointed or angry at the child.

That's just part of being a parent and raising a child.

For me,

What is important about attachment is realizing the benefit of,

First,

Getting rid of those attachments that cause us significant or consistent harm,

And secondly,

Being aware of the inherent unhappiness that the attachments we keep will bring.

Some of us are attached to harmful people or situations.

We may remain attached to a dysfunctional relationship,

An idea,

Or belief that does not benefit us.

Let's look at the example of a dysfunctional relationship.

A person may be attached to a relationship with another that only perpetuates harm,

Disappointment,

And unhappiness,

With very little or no benefit,

And yet that person continues to remain in that relationship.

Why are they attached to something so harmful?

Well,

There are a few reasons.

First is they might not know better.

Perhaps a person simply does not know what a positive beneficial relationship is.

Perhaps they are so accustomed to being mistreated that they do not know that there are other people who they could be much happier with.

At some times,

A person may feel that that's all they deserve.

Having a harmful relationship reaffirms a negative self-view,

Which tells them that this is the best they can do.

Another reason might be that's all they have.

They feel they have nothing else but this negative relationship and this negative person,

And if they leave that relationship,

Despite it being negative and harmful,

They will have nothing at all.

One last reason is that perhaps some of us are just not confident.

We don't have the confidence to declare our unhappiness in a relationship and feel intimidated if we try to.

Fundamentally,

What people in the example of the dysfunctional relationship all lack is awareness.

They are not aware that if they want to,

They can change their circumstances,

And they are not aware of their attachment.

And for these types of situations,

Awareness is the first step out of a dysfunctional relationship,

Or a bad job,

Or any circumstance that brings one perpetual harm and unhappiness.

Another example of this is a person in a difficult and demanding job.

They get headaches,

They get ill,

They feel fatigue,

They have no energy,

But when away from that job,

These issues disappear.

And in that case,

It's the same solution.

They're not aware of the attachment they have to their job,

And that attachment is causing them to suffer.

Let's talk about keeping attachments.

Remember that the Buddha said in the Four Noble Truths that attachment is the cause of all unhappiness,

Not just some unhappiness and some suffering,

But all of it.

The attachments we keep will also cause us harm.

A person has organized a birthday party for her partner in a garden.

She has planned everything and feels that due to her planning,

Everything will go well.

Attachment to an outcome.

Attachment to the idea of how the party will turn out.

The day of the party,

It rains,

And the party cannot be held.

And that person is distraught.

They're angry.

They're suffering.

Why?

Because they were attached to the idea of the party being perfect,

And when that desire was not met,

It caused suffering.

If that person had been less attached to the outcome,

She may have devised an alternative plan for the party in case something went wrong,

Like the weather.

She may have thought,

I want the party to be perfect.

I want it to be in the garden on a nice sunny day.

That's what I want.

But I may not get what I want.

So if I don't get what I want,

If I'm not attached to the idea of this perfect outcome,

What can I do to plan for a less perfect outcome?

Therefore,

The solution is to reduce our suffering through awareness.

Awareness of the probability that we may not get what we want or circumstances not being the way we feel they should,

Without abandoning the attachment.

There is a story I read in Buddhist literature,

It's one of my favorite ones,

That speaks very clearly to this issue.

Here's the story.

A man's wife died after giving birth to a son.

The man,

The son's father,

Raised the child with love and devotion.

When the child became an adult,

He left home to find his own way in life,

And the father also left home to become a Buddhist monk.

The father and son kept in touch with each other.

The son became successful in life,

And the father became a well-known Buddhist teacher.

One day,

The son sent word to the father that he was going to visit his home village.

The father said he would meet him there.

Some of the father's students decided to go with him,

To take the opportunity to learn more about Buddhism and ask questions while they were traveling on the road to their destination.

On the way to the village,

The father,

Also the Buddhist teacher,

Taught his students about attachment.

When the father arrived,

He had learned that his son had arrived several days earlier,

Took ill,

And died.

The father went to the grave site where he sat down and started to weep openly.

His students followed him there and were surprised over his emotional reaction and the subsequent suffering based on his attachment to his son.

A student asked him,

We don't understand.

You have taught us that all attachment causes suffering and to be wary of attachments to avoid suffering.

Yet here you are,

Suffering from being attached to your son.

The father replied,

I have taught you correctly.

Everyone has attachments,

But of all the attachments I have had in my life,

This one was the most precious and beautiful.

Let's move on to autism and attachment.

I would like to discuss this Buddhist philosophy in reference to level 1 autistic adults like myself.

Autistic people like myself attach to a variety of things with strong determination.

Their attachment to others presents more as an obsession because when what they want doesn't happen the way they want it to,

They feel as if the world has fallen apart.

Why is this?

Because attachment is more about safety and need than want or desire.

In my mind,

Attachment equals consistency.

So if I'm attached to something,

There is a consistency to how I interact with that something.

Now,

That consistency leads to predictability.

If something is consistent in my life,

I can usually predict the way it's going to go.

That predictability,

Being able to predict future events,

Equals stability.

Stability equals safety.

The feeling of being safe.

It is well known that with many autistic people,

Lacking that feeling of safety can cause an explosive reaction.

The feeling that I am no longer safe because something disrupted a previous pattern or because something important has been removed can be devastating and can throw me into a panic.

I would not say that autistic people suffer more than non-autistic people.

That's not realistic.

But when it comes to loss,

It's just that they express that loss on a different level of intensity.

Anyone who loses something important in their lives is going to express their grief or trauma in a very visible and emotional way.

But for me,

Attachment is an either or situation.

Either I am very attached to something or I'm not.

Whereas non-autistic people may have different levels of attachment from low to very high,

I and many autistic people like myself tend to have very high levels of attachment in different areas.

An attachment to a favorite pen is not going to generate a significant reaction from non-autistic people when they lose that pen.

For myself,

When I lose my favorite pen,

And yes,

I do have a favorite pen,

Will generate a reaction out of proportion to the experience.

My favorite pen is not a specific individual pen.

It's a brand and type of pen.

I've lost my favorite type of pen before and what has happened is that I seem uncomfortable and frustrated,

Even to the point where I feel I can't continue my work.

To continue with a different pen is so uncomfortable that if I don't have another pen of the same brand or type,

I will have to acquire a new one before I can work comfortably.

This is where Buddhism has helped me.

Being aware of my attachment to that pen causes me to be prepared.

This results in me purchasing a multitude of my favorite pens so that at work I have about five of them and at home I have even more,

So if I lose one,

I immediately get another.

When I lose something that cannot be replaced,

My reaction is much more extreme and in a sense that is true for all of us.

Aside from my awareness and understanding of the Buddhist philosophy of attachment,

What has also helped me is the Buddhist philosophy of impermanence.

The two kind of go hand in hand for me.

Impermanence has helped me to manage attachment issues with a better understanding that change and loss are inevitable.

I cannot stop change and loss,

But in many ways I can manage it.

Impermanence helps me to reduce the frequency and volume of my reactions.

Impermanence may not take away the suffering,

But it provides a framework to understand why I'm suffering and it does reduce the level of suffering.

Even a little reduction in that type of suffering is very valuable.

What is impermanence?

Well,

That's a topic for another session.

Thank you very much for listening to this session.

I appreciate that you've taken the time to sit down and hear what I've spoken about today.

Thanks again and goodbye.