Dinner with friends was overcooked salmon and half glasses of chardonnay scattered across the table.
Lauren sat at the table while Nathan recounted a story from his ride earlier that day.
His arms waving,
His smile electric,
He was like a magnet always drawing people in.
Their friend's eyes lit up across the table as Nathan engaged them with his story.
Usually she loves spending time with them,
But she couldn't help feel herself at a distance tonight.
She tried to listen,
Tried to let his energy sweep her up,
But her body ached with exhaustion.
The fertility doctor's advice was still echoing in her mind,
Bruises blooming on her stomach where the needles had gone in.
The ache wasn't just physical,
It was the invisible hollow of disappointment,
A silence between the words that seemed to come along with them wherever they went.
Nathan noticed her distance and leaned across the table,
Eyes softening.
Hey,
You okay?
You seem so far away.
Lauren nodded,
Maybe too quickly,
Just tired,
Not wanting to pull attention away from the dinner party.
It wasn't a lie,
But it wasn't the complete truth either.
The truth was that she felt more alone with Nathan in these last couple of years than she'd ever felt in her entire life.
He had ways of turning pain into something lighter,
Of dodging sadness like it was some kind of oncoming car.
He wanted her to ride with him,
To drink,
To forget.
It's just that forgetting was impossible and her expectations felt like a growing weight.
As he refilled his glass,
She couldn't help but think,
I was hoping a baby would bring us closer.
Instead,
The trying has pulled us apart.
Nathan raised his glass in a toast.
Here's to friends that feel like family,
With his broad smile that used to melt her heart.
But now it seems more like a sidestepping of the truth,
The truth of what's really going on.
Lauren's throat tightened as she reached for her glass of mineral water,
The lime accidentally falling off as she raised her glass.
The words lodged in her chest.
She couldn't bring herself to say them out loud.
Goodbye at the door lingered and felt a bit awkward.
Chelsea and Danny knew something was up,
But they didn't want to add any pressure.
With brief hugs,
Everyone exchanged ideas for getting together again soon.
But once the door was closed behind them and Lauren and Nathan were out walking in the cool breeze of the night air,
Lauren exhaled relief.
Nathan turned towards her,
Obviously frustrated,
As he guided her towards the car,
Opened the door,
And once she was inside,
She felt the force of the closed door hit hard.
She closed her eyes tightly.
Another night,
Pretending they were still the couple everyone thought they were.
Another few hours of acting like her world hadn't completely shattered just three weeks ago.
If you would like to see what happens when the truth begins to surface in the myth of forgiveness,
Stay with me for chapter three.
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