Okay,
Hi,
It's Judy and this is Wake Up Call 498.
So last time I talked about cultivating positive regard for difficult people,
So not discriminating among humans or any beings in terms of who deserves positive regard or meta and who doesn't,
Which is all about cultivating an attitude of kindness in the heart no matter who we're faced with or what we're faced with.
And I hope I didn't make it seem like it's easy or I hope I didn't make it seem like it's easy for me because it's not.
If it's easy for you that's really wonderful but for me I spent a lot of time avoiding meta practice altogether partly because I didn't understand how important it was and partly because it was too hard.
One teacher at the meta retreat that I sat last month said that for years on long retreats she would skip the meta instructions,
The Brahma Vihara instructions that happen every afternoon which made me feel so much better because that's when I would go on a hike every day.
I would just go on a hike,
I wouldn't go.
So if it's not easy for you either to cultivate this heart that is facing towards the world and whoever or whatever is in it with an attitude of kindness,
Positive regard,
Then I'll just share or say a little about one thing that's helped me which is to remember that I'm not in charge of anything really.
So saying that to a lawyer which is me saying that to myself right it's a little bit of a joke because in a way our whole job is to be in charge and we're in charge of really big things.
We're in charge of protecting people's lives or livelihoods or liberty or family dynamics or wishes for what happens after they die or ability to work or stay in the U.
S.
Right so really big things.
But in another way we know a lot about not being in charge.
So one friend told a story at the Mindfulness in Law Conference,
I'm wondering if she's here right now if I think she's on vacation,
And she'd been working on this case on an immigration,
She's an immigration lawyer and she'd been working on a winnable case which is rare and the week before the final hearing this was years that she'd been working the week before the final hearing the person stole a car got picked up and that was the end of the case.
She wasn't going to win the case they weren't going to get to stay here.
And my friend had warned and warned and warned her client about being careful and not getting into any trouble but in the end she couldn't control what they did right.
So we know as lawyers as people working in the law we know about not being in charge in those situations you know where a client does something against our advice we can't control for our clients decisions and the consequences can be really awful.
But even in situations like that I know at least me I can get judgy right I know what's best for them or I think I do and then what can come up when I'm trying to include in my meta practice people who don't take my advice is something conditional like I would have positive regard for you or I could if only you do what I think is right or just or if only you'd done what I told you to do or not done what I warned you about not doing.
And then the problem is this attitude seeps into my thinking because it's an inclination of the mind right and I'm thinking that way a lot so it seeps into my thinking in relation to friends and family and colleagues and strangers and politicians and everyone.
So it's one way that meta practice the practice of positive regard can get conditional and I almost said it's not in my notes but I almost said corrupted and maybe that's a better word because we either think we're in charge or we think we should be and in either case we believe that someone else would be having a better life if we were or that the world would be a better place if we were in charge.
So our minds are trained to do this and this may not only be the lawyers our minds are trained to do this we're trained to know what's best for our clients I'm sure physicians are trained to know what's best many people are trained to know what's best teachers and we are in charge in many cases and it's often a good thing when it's about the thing that they've come to us for help with but then how do we how do we let go of trying to be in charge of everyone else and maybe even more consequentially how do we stop conditioning our positive regard on others doing what we think is best and it's hard for me because I pretty much still believe there are times when it's true when me being in charge might very well turn out better right so it's that sticky thinking but the meta practice of positive regard is about saying I wish you well not I wish you would follow my advice because then you'd be well so if we can't entirely let go of thinking we should be in charge or I should say if I can't entirely let go of thinking I should be in charge then how to at least let go of being condition conditional in our well wishes right conditional in the sense of wishing others well if only they'd follow our advice so you could see I'm kind of working from both ends of this problem and one of the teachers on the retreat that I sat said start by practicing with a rock which was I thought was the weirdest instruction ever but it's also kind of great because look turn it if you have a rock nearby turn towards it right now and take a look at it or if you have a window you can look out the window and look at a rock maybe of a paperweight maybe there's something in your in your garden or maybe there's a rock on your finger not sure about practicing with that rock or not if you're my age you might even still have your pet rock somewhere whichever rock you're turning towards right now though it's pretty obvious isn't it that whatever this rock is composed of whatever its history whenever it crumbles to dust it's not about you right it's just a rock it's just on its own journey through evolution and the thing is so are all the humans so our friends our family they're not rocks but they're they're on their own journey you know no matter how much we wish they'd listen to us our our beloved people our children our lovers our parents more generations our best friends you know they're they're on their own journeys even our politicians or maybe especially our politicians they're on their own journey they're impacting others including us and they're in some cases they're causing harm but still still still they're they're on their own journey right and so for me it's remembering that and getting it into my bones and i find that to be really helpful because it helps me remember i'm not in charge which is a huge relief and even when i forget that it's at least a little easier for me to see others um for who they are for what they are and still relate to them with positive regard you know not as humans who would do better if only they'd listen to me but simply as heirs to their own karma you know acting that out day in and day out and and that really helps me to keep my heart open too and to keep it soft and malleable so that it doesn't get brittle or broken and and this is a real component of meta of positive regard you know and what it's what it's speaking to maybe more than anything is meta or positive regard infused with equanimity right infused with balance infused with knowing in our bones that everyone's on their own journey and what a relief that we're not in charge so let's sit and uh let's uh do a little uh equanimity practice so that maybe we can kind of play around with how that works okay so go ahead and find your um the the most supportive way that you can be still whatever posture will best support stillness for you okay and just taking some breaths and maybe bringing the attention to the breath letting the the body mind heart settle and then beginning to warm the heart so calling to mind maybe it's the being who you've been working with over the past couple of weeks here or uh some other being who is just really uh easy for you to love letting the heart soften maybe saying the phrases for yourself just for yourself for right now may I be safe may I be happy may I be healthy may I live with ease and then maybe calling to mind someone who you really feel could do better if only they would see things the way that you do okay and uh not the the most profound person right so play with this a little bit just someone maybe a friend who's about to do a small thing and you've suggested maybe they want to think about that a little bit more or a colleague who came to you for their thoughts and uh isn't isn't listening but not something terribly consequential it's just just calling to mind someone who uh you feel like might not be taking your advice and and just seeing seeing how that feels seeing if you if it's still possible for you to wish them well may you be safe may you be happy may you be healthy may you live with ease and if there's any if there's any glitchiness at all anything in your own heart of uh yeah and you would be if only you'd listen to me anything like that a few more phrases for them or for yourself or for both my my wishes for you can't determine your happiness only your choices can determine your happiness my wishes for you can't determine your happiness only your actions can determine your happiness thanks everybody for being on the wake up call have a have a good week be safe out there be well see you all next thursday
