How To Create Unconditional Love In Our Relationships

So today we're talking about how to create unconditional love in our relationships.

So this came out of many,

Many discussions I've had lately about my latest book,

The Divine Union of the Masculine and Feminine,

And I have a lot of people who are studying it with me,

And one of the number one things we've found is how difficult it is to find healthy masculine-feminine relationships,

And I'm not talking about male-female relationships or romantic relationships or anything like that.

I'm talking about the idea that we live in duality.

This is what we live in,

And in duality,

Two things interact.

If you were to imagine two androgynous beings interacting,

How do they interact in duality?

One might give something to the other person,

And the other one receives it.

One might fall down,

And the other one swoops in to help.

One person might be talking,

And the other person's listening.

This is us interacting.

If the two androgynous beings are just sitting on a bench,

Looking at a lake,

They're not interacting.

They're just hanging out,

Having fun,

But they're not interacting in duality.

As soon as we start to interact in duality,

There's a few interesting things that can happen.

Historically,

For whatever reason,

We've lived in a paradigm of separation,

Where we interact,

But there's a distance between us.

There are walls between us.

So suddenly,

Maybe we want to give something to someone,

But we actually don't know what they need,

Because there's a wall between us.

Or maybe we want to give them something because we think they should have it,

So the other person closes down because they don't want it,

But because they're disconnected,

Neither can communicate,

Neither can figure it out,

That kind of thing.

There's also been this very strange domination paradigm that we've lived within.

We certainly see it in world wars,

Or civil wars,

And things like that.

We see it in schools,

That these people are in charge,

And these must do as they're told.

We see it in workplaces,

Where this person is in charge,

And these people must just do as they're told.

We see it in families.

This person is the head of the household,

And everyone else has to abide.

Spare the rod,

Spoil the child.

I am in control.

This domination paradigm has also leaked in to all of our interactions with others,

Because when we live in a domination paradigm,

We are always afraid to be the one who's being dominated.

I don't want to listen to Aunt Harriet's advice for my love life.

I don't want this.

I don't want you to give me money if it means I owe you.

I don't want to have to do this just so that you do that.

We do many things.

In this separation,

Sometimes we withdraw from everyone because I don't want to be dominated.

I don't want to fight.

I don't want to have to be the dominating one,

So I'm just going to withdraw.

Very people kind of fall into that dog-eat-dog world.

It's like,

You know what?

Life is a fight.

That's the way it is.

If I'm going to win,

I've got to win.

That means we have to be right.

We have to be on top.

Do you know what I mean?

So then all of a sudden,

These two lovely androgynous refractions of God are suddenly walled up,

Armor on,

And we're in this constant battle.

This could be a parent and child.

It could be grown children and parents.

It could be bosses.

It could be colleagues.

It could be competitiveness.

It could be all of these things.

Now all of a sudden,

We don't get to actually interact,

And in many ways,

We miss some of the greatest opportunities of what it is to be human because what happens when two energy beings that we are,

We are these amazing,

Flowing,

Divine energy incarnations,

When those duality come together in their opposites,

And again,

Not talking gender,

Two androgynous beings,

When one plays in the masculine polarity and the other one plays in the feminine polarity,

They are opposite,

Different,

Yet they fit together in a magnetic way that's magical.

And when this happens,

We get to experience unity,

Bliss,

Oneness.

This is the oneness that we talk about in many spiritual communities where we are all one and there is a bliss there,

That we are one with the universe.

But even more than that,

This is a very day-to-day possibility.

This is sitting on a couch with a friend,

And you really need to talk about something because it's really bothering you.

And your friend's like,

All right,

Let's hear it.

And you share,

And the friend is there.

Maybe they say a little thing there,

A little thing there,

But they allow you to go into the depths.

They allow you to go into your confusing thoughts and feelings and concerns and worries,

And the friend is there for you.

The friend is doing something very different.

This is a structure in chaos dynamic.

They are simply being stillness and witnessing you while you speak,

Because human beings are very interesting.

For example,

While we speak,

That sound informs our body,

And we get to hear whether it's truth or not.

So even the ability to simply say something out loud,

Sometimes in the presence of someone who is nonjudgmental and loving and cares about you and admires you,

You get to say it out loud,

And then some part of you realizes,

You know,

Now that I've said it,

That doesn't sound right.

This is a huge deal.

When we sit on the couch with a friend like that,

We can experience bliss.

Even if we're actually processing something really painful.

It isn't about happiness.

It isn't about always being up.

There is so much joy in connecting,

In genuine connecting with another being.

But what we found when we started discussing all of these things,

Whether we were talking protector and vulnerable,

Giving and receiving,

Talking and listening,

Leading and following,

All of these beautiful masculine-feminine dynamics,

We realized that it was really hard to find healthy examples.

It was easy to complain.

It was easy to find everything that was wrong and all the situations that it didn't work.

But we couldn't find the ones that did work,

Which was really an interesting journey to get there.

The number one problem is that we lacked agape.

And agape is the ancient Greek word for God's love of man,

Or looking at someone through the eyes of God.

So what does that mean?

Whether you believe in God or not,

Let's pretend that there is this all-knowing,

Wise energy in the universe.

And when God observes a being on earth,

It understands everything.

It understands the struggles.

It understands the 300 lifetimes that have preceded this moment.

It understands the pain and the suffering and the struggle.

It understands the preemptive strikes that the person may take in relationships.

Understands everything.

So how would you gaze upon this person?

With love and understanding and kindness,

Maybe even admiration for the fact that they're still trying.

They're still giving it the old college try.

Imagine looking at everyone we know with those eyes,

With love and respect.

And even if they're difficult people,

We know that,

You know what,

They're on a journey.

It might be hard,

And this doesn't mean you have to live with them,

And it doesn't mean you have to put up with bad behavior or be mistreated,

But I can respect that you're on a path.

Without that,

We'll never be able to interact in this wholeness.

We'll never get to actually have this beautiful,

Deep communion and connection that we desire.

Because if that's not there,

Our brain will throw in judgment.

Our brain will throw in things that's like,

Well,

You know what,

I know what you need to do.

I know better than you,

Actually.

I've looked at your situation and simplified it in a way that I can figure out what actually is best for you.

This is what we do.

It's lacking respect in every aspect,

But that's all we've known.

It's literally,

It's all our parents knew,

It's all our grandparents knew.

It's not because we're bad people or we're not trying hard.

It's just very seldom.

It's like in school.

How many teachers did you have that you really felt bonded with their students?

Really connected with the students?

How many?

One?

Two?

Out of 13 years of school?

Maybe.

The odds are low.

Maybe there was no one.

How many bosses have you had that you really respected and you loved working for?

One?

None?

Two?

It's a challenge.

So what we realized was,

Well,

Then what do we do?

What do we do?

We have all of these relationships with people we care about,

People we love,

But none of us have been trained with this foundation of agape.

Well,

What if we can use what we know about the masculine feminine,

Redefining what we understand as masculine feminine interactions between people,

Humans,

Animals,

And we use that information to build the bridges of agape.

Maybe you have family members that you struggle with.

Maybe there's all kinds of judgment and there's all kinds of fear and there's all kinds of ancestral trauma that everybody's responding to unconsciously in their own way.

Who knows?

But what if it starts with us?

What if we start,

You know,

We interact with someone,

We can do it the old way,

Right?

We can debate back and forth.

We can spar with the other person or we can observe what's going on,

Consider this other person with agape and respond in a new world,

Even if they don't really even know what we're doing or maybe they're not even in a place to also return agape.

So what?

It has to start with somebody and maybe that's all it is.

So let's take our friends sitting on the couch.

There's a lot of people I know who have never had a true confidant,

Someone that they could actually share their deepest heart with.

So all of a sudden you're sitting with this person who,

For whatever reason,

Has never actually been able to share deep,

Dark secrets before.

I remember one time when I was married.

So I was married for 20 years.

I married a farmer.

I'm from Toronto and I fell in love with a farmer,

Moved to the middle of nowhere.

And one time,

My kids were small,

Running around,

And a woman that I had met through my husband's church,

She had come over for tea.

Well,

I had lots to say that day about my husband.

I was so frustrated.

And I was just like,

And then,

I can't believe it.

And then you wouldn't believe it.

And I was just complaining.

I was just being what I knew to be normal.

I had two sisters.

This was sort of how we were,

Like whatever,

Right?

And kind of that old Randy Travis song,

You know,

Old men sit around talking about the weather and old women sit around talking about old men.

Anyway,

I was sitting there and just blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah.

And she's just sitting there.

And of course,

There's kids around,

So it's not like we're just talking.

And all of a sudden,

She's like,

Okay,

Well,

I've got to go.

Um,

Could I come back sometime and talk about my husband?

Right?

And I said to her at the time,

I said,

You've never talked to anybody about your husband?

And don't get me wrong.

In today's day,

I actually talk to my husband,

Which is a very different thing.

But this was,

You know,

We're going back 25 years.

It's a different,

It was a different consciousness.

But she said,

Well,

No,

I would never want to admit that there was anything wrong in my marriage.

You know,

My sister would never understand and my friends,

I mean,

We don't talk about stuff like that.

And so anyway,

Let's imagine you're sitting there chatting with someone,

And they start to share with you.

And they realize,

Wow,

You're not judging me,

Huh?

And then they share a bit more.

And they're sure this one is going to raise your eyebrows and you're going to be full of judgment.

Nothing.

And you're just,

Wow,

That would have been really hard.

I know,

But it was wrong,

Right?

Well,

We all just do what we can at the time,

Right?

And they keep going deeper and deeper and deeper.

Well,

What happens?

Even though they may never have experienced this in their life,

What happens?

They suddenly feel connected to you.

And they suddenly realize that,

Well,

This is possible.

And maybe they go home,

And maybe one of her kids is having an issue.

And they're like talking about things.

And for the first time,

She's looking at them going,

Hmm,

Well,

Yeah,

I guess.

You know what I mean?

Like the pattern then continues,

But it starts with us.

So we're going to just sort of play with some of these dynamics.

So for example,

One of the primary masculine feminine dynamics that we experience is giving and receiving.

So energetically,

What this really is,

Is the energy of an empty bowl and someone filling it.

It's no big deal.

And again,

We sometimes have an issue with being in the feminine,

Right?

Like,

Well,

I don't want to be the empty bowl.

I'm not an empty bowl.

But sometimes we need things.

You know,

Maybe I go to a friend's house,

And my stomach starts growling.

And they're like,

Hey,

Do you want a cup of soup?

Sure.

They give me soup.

It's something simple like that.

But of course,

We have a lot of challenges in giving and receiving.

Because of this domination paradigm,

Because of this lack of agape,

Because of this lack of connection,

Giving and receiving has been used to manipulate each other.

We've often been given things with strings attached.

Or maybe we've given things to people with strings attached.

Well,

I'll help you this once,

But you better help me.

Or I'm going to lend you this money,

But then you've got to do this.

Or okay,

I'll take care of your kids,

But then you've got to.

.

.

It's almost like everything is some kind of financial exchange.

I gave you the money,

I want the product.

But that's not joy.

That's a financial exchange.

That's playing soccer or something.

That's something different.

When I actually just need something,

And you have it to give,

Why wouldn't we just give it?

Because again,

To give in a healthy way means that we have it to give.

If you need money,

And I have money,

Then I'll give you money.

If I have extra apples in my orchard,

And you love apples,

And you don't have an apple orchard,

Why wouldn't you have some of my apples?

And I'm not talking about if you're in the business of selling apples.

I mean friends.

Do you know what I mean?

We're talking about connections.

But we have to be careful.

If we are going to actually create connection with people,

Then we have to start cleaning up how we give to people.

Do we give with strings attached?

Do I give to others what they actually desire?

This is a really big deal.

For example,

One of our favorite things to give people that people don't want to receive is our advice.

How much do we love giving advice to people?

This is literally someone who is a vegan or something,

And just filling their bowl full of meat or something.

It's like,

I can't do anything with this.

Why did you give this to me?

It doesn't make any sense.

I didn't ask for this.

And then instead you go away and you actually create.

Imagine this.

Imagine you are pure out carnivore.

You have a friend who's vegan,

And they're coming over for lunch.

And you pull out this beautiful combination of quinoa and vegetables and hummus and wonderful things.

And they look at you and they realize,

You never eat this,

Do you?

And you made this for me?

Thank you.

That's connection.

Now you've created love.

And why wouldn't we do that?

Why wouldn't we do that?

So then why do we give people things they don't want?

Why do we give people things they don't ask for?

Sometimes people are just talking.

Like I'm very conscious that if I'm with someone,

And they're just making series of statements.

Well this happened,

And then that happened,

And then this happened,

And then that happened,

And then they said that,

And then I said this,

And then this happened.

They haven't asked me my thoughts or my opinion or a question.

And if at some point they say,

What would you have done?

Maybe I can answer them.

Well,

I might have done this,

But that's me.

It's not you.

That's what I would have done.

In Katrina's journey through earth,

Laura's journey through earth might be entirely different,

And you need to take a different path.

So it's a very interesting thing to really play with this giving and receiving,

Because you can imagine how quickly,

If you give with strings attached,

If you give someone something they don't want,

We are not creating loving connection.

And to understand that I define love differently.

I define love as human connection.

I don't define love as,

I've lived with this person for 60 years,

Well yeah,

You know I love them.

Even though you can't communicate,

You can't talk,

You don't do anything.

I consider love as connection.

If something's loving or if you've created love,

You've created connection,

A heart connection.

So what about receiving?

What if you're on the receiving end of something?

Now first of all,

We also have to learn self-love.

Everything we're talking about today,

First actually has to be completed inside,

Maybe not first,

But we learn in tandem how to actually give and receive to ourselves in wholeness.

And that allows us to act in integrity.

So that also means that if someone gives us something,

We don't have to receive it if it's not what we wanted.

That vegan doesn't have to eat the meat,

Or vice versa.

And again,

Because we've lived in this domination paradigm,

Where those dominating are the only ones that matter,

We've been taught to receive things whether we wanted it or not.

We've been taught to listen whether we wanted to listen or not.

We've been taught to have sex whether we wanted it or not.

We've been taught to take abuse whether we wanted it or not.

So first we have to actually stand in our integrity and say,

That's actually not what I need right now,

But thank you.

We can still appreciate a gift,

And we can also say,

No thank you.

And if someone does give us something that we really wanted,

Needed,

Love,

Then we fill the room with appreciation.

It's wonderful to gush all over somebody who's just given you something beautiful.

This is the return,

And it's so lovely to be a really gracious receiver.

It's a big deal.

Talking and listening is obviously another huge dynamic.

So how can we create connection through talking and listening?

How do we create loving connection?

Well,

One,

If we're the one talking,

We are considering the person listening.

We're not just talking to air,

And there just happens to be this person in front of us.

We're actually considering this person.

So for example,

We're going to speak in a language that they understand.

If you are a lawyer,

And you are accustomed to speaking in legalese and in very verbose sort of documentation language,

I wouldn't speak like that if I was explaining something to a friend,

Because they're not lawyers.

They don't speak in that language.

If I'm really into chakras and eastern medicine,

And I have a friend that's in a very western mind,

I'm going to sort of try to figure out,

Okay,

What part of this would make sense to them,

Because they're not interested in the things I'm interested in,

So they haven't read all the books I've read.

So what's the common ground?

What's maybe my takeaway from all this,

Or what have I personally experienced?

And then maybe if you're the listener,

To make sure you're a good listener and an engaged listener,

That you're like,

Wait a second,

What's a chakra?

I've never heard that before.

Or maybe you've gone to your lawyer's office,

And the lawyer's trying to explain this document to you,

And they're just like talking way over your head,

And you're like,

Can you just back up?

I lost you a couple minutes ago.

This is being a good listener,

Because the point is the communication,

But how often do we just sit there and we're like,

I have no idea.

I don't know what you're talking about.

And this could be a partner,

This could be a lawyer,

It could be a doctor,

It could be a friend,

It could be a boss.

It's like,

We don't want to be a passive listener,

We want to be an active listener,

Where we're like,

Can you just back up?

And let's say,

For example,

You're with your loving partner,

Your romantic partner,

And they're upset about something,

And you really don't understand.

Because it's so interesting,

Like it's easy to understand that,

Oh,

Well,

I don't understand legalese,

Or I don't understand,

You know,

The Latin that the doctors use to describe this or whatever,

Right?

That's easy to understand.

But sometimes we are talking the same language,

The same vocabulary,

But what I'm saying is not understandable to someone else.

Maybe there's hues of emotions in there that I can't even explain.

Maybe this experience I'm having actually feels like 10 other experiences,

So I'm not actually explaining it completely,

Because to me,

It's complete,

But you don't have these 10 other experiences to color it in.

So you may be thinking you're actually using really excellent language to explain it,

But the other person's like,

I really don't understand.

And then,

As the speaker,

To sit there and think,

Okay,

Then how do I explain it?

When you actually dialogue,

Like you actually dialogue with the intention of creating connection.

Not with the intention of being right.

Not with the intention of convincing the other person.

Because if we can connect,

If we can actually understand each other,

Now we're connected.

Now you can have any discussion you want.

The other thing that's really important in terms of the giving and receiving is we do it with the same integrity that we talked about with giving and receiving,

And talking and listening,

Rather.

Am I saying this to you to convince you of something so that I get something in return?

Are you receiving this,

Are you listening,

But you really don't want to listen?

This isn't something that's interesting to you.

I was on a Zoom call last night where they were interviewing this really interesting doctor.

And this doctor was talking about radical things,

Like really radically changing the fundamentals of how we understand science and the world.

It was really interesting.

And he was really clear about it.

Here's what I'm saying.

This is what he was saying.

And so then they took questions at the end.

And someone came on and he was like,

Okay,

Yeah,

But what about this?

And he goes,

No,

You're still using the old paradigm.

This is what I said,

I know,

But,

And the guy just,

He couldn't get it.

But what was interesting to me was the doctor didn't just quietly listen.

He actually interrupted him,

Which you might think is rude.

He kept interrupting me,

He said,

No,

You're basing your question on a false premise.

I'm not going to answer a question based on a false premise.

You have to join me in the new premise if we're going to have this conversation.

And every time this guy just kept falling back into this old,

He goes,

No,

You have to stop.

It was fascinating.

It was a fascinating conversation because the one being asked the question was active.

And he wasn't just sitting there quietly getting annoyed.

And he was kind,

Like he wasn't being unkind.

He was just actually actively in the conversation.

And this is a very important skill to develop.

We haven't been taught it.

We haven't been taught how to have healthy communication about things.

It's like historically we were told,

Don't talk about sex,

Politics,

And religion.

What if instead we were taught how to have healthy,

Loving,

And respectful conversations about these things?

Imagine.

And when you think about how that is possible,

It's like,

Wow,

That's a huge journey.

That's not a five minute suffix.

That's a deep,

Introspective,

Philosophical shift in everybody present in order to do that.

But that's what we need.

That's what we need to actually be able to stay connected when we're communicating.

So let's talk about structure and chaos.

Structure and chaos as a dynamic is really interesting because chaos isn't a bad thing.

Chaos is just unbridled reality.

Nature is chaotic in that nothing's controlling it.

Animals in the wild are wild.

They're chaotic,

But they're not jumping up and down on their heads and stuff.

They're just listening to their inner instinct.

What that means for us,

If we're to embrace our chaos with others,

Because our intention here is to create connection,

Then we honor the changes that come through us.

The interesting thing about being human is we are naturally empathic.

We are naturally emotionally connected to each other.

So if one person is actually holding strong to an old past version of themselves,

It's very hard to connect with them.

It's almost like you're dealing with them 10 years ago,

Which doesn't even exist anymore.

So when we honor our inner chaos,

When we honor our inner changeability,

Our inner landscape that is always wild and shifting,

We are able to be present with people because we're not stuck.

We're not stuck in this thing that happened 30 years ago.

We're current,

We're present.

So let's say you feel a big shift.

Maybe there's something really big changing in your life.

And sometimes when that happens,

We feel a little bit off center.

We feel a little bit woozy about it,

And we're a little confused,

And we're a little lost.

And that's where,

Inside,

You may have a very strong structure to balance your own chaos,

That stillness inside.

But we are social creatures.

So we get to do this with other people.

So all of a sudden,

You've got some crazy idea,

Like,

You're like,

You know what,

I've got an idea,

And I would love to do this thing.

And so you go talk to your friend,

Maybe you want to open a business,

You just got a crazy idea,

But you're really inspired.

So you go talk to your friend,

And your friend's listening,

And they're like,

Interesting.

So healthy structure says,

You know,

I could put all that in a spreadsheet for you,

Then you could really play with it.

Ooh,

Really?

You would do that?

Yeah,

Actually,

That would be quite a kick.

I would enjoy,

You know,

Putting a bit of order with this chaos.

Not to squelch the chaos,

Not to stop it,

Not to warn them,

Not to do anything like that.

But to just say,

I'm going to support this wild idea with some interesting structure.

Now what have you got?

You've got this wonderful relationship,

This wonderful connection between two people.

One person being appreciated for their wonderful structure and the ability to put order to things,

And the other one loved for their amazing ideas and their creativity.

How cool is that?

One of the most beautiful things about playing in the polarities this way is that you love the other.

You don't try to make the chaos orderly,

And the chaos doesn't try to make the orderly chaotic.

It is in the polarity that magic happens.

And so then the friends keep talking,

And the spreadsheet friend comes back and says,

Okay,

I put this all in here.

What do you think of that?

And the chaos friend is like,

Ooh,

That's so interesting.

You know what?

We could also add elephants,

Or whatever it is.

The other person is like,

Ooh,

They could fit over here.

And so the two things play and dance together,

And they build something that one person couldn't have built alone.

And this is the bliss of the masculine and feminine coming together,

Because you create something even bigger than you could have before.

Structure and chaos is really interesting in the land of developing this in our life.

Let's say you have a business.

Well,

The job of a business owner,

So this sort of plays in the structure and chaos and the leading and following dynamic.

Your job as a business owner,

If you have employees,

Is to create structure,

Boundaries,

Expectations,

And a really almost security for them,

That they know when they come into work tomorrow,

There's a job for them,

And there's money for the rent,

And it's all good.

That's your job.

That's the real job of a leader.

The leader isn't in some power position,

Controlling people,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah.

They're actually looking at everyone,

And creating an environment where everyone thrives.

Because of course,

What happens in a business where everyone's thriving?

The business goes to new places.

It's like if you want to have an amazing,

Successful business,

You invest in your employees.

Because then all of their creativity rises.

Their loyalty,

Their connection to each other creates magic.

Imagine doing this in a family.

Imagine you are the leader of the family,

And this could just be you being a parent.

It could be you taking care of aging parents.

It could be you,

I don't know,

In charge of a co-housing situation.

What is the ideal situation,

If you're in the position of leader,

That you get to make all the right choices for the group?

Not for you,

But for the group.

This also means that if you are,

Say,

The follower in this instance,

That you give good feedback,

And you give good ideas.

Oh,

I noticed this.

Oh,

Thank you.

I needed to know that.

Leading a group where no one's contributing is really difficult.

It's a very difficult thing,

Because you just don't know,

And then people are quietly angry or whatever.

But when there's connection,

Or at least if you can foster the possibility of connection,

And people can give suggestions,

And they can help out,

Or they can .

.

.

I've told you guys that I love this show,

Ted Lasso.

When he first .

.

.

He has this story of he was a new football coach in England.

No one trusts him,

Because he's never taught football,

British football,

Just American football he taught.

Of course,

No one wanted to hear from him.

No one wanted to talk to him.

They were just pissed off about the whole thing.

He put out anonymous suggestion box,

And so people could give suggestions anonymously.

Whatever it takes to say,

I do want to know what you think,

And you're not going to get in trouble for it,

And I really do want to know.

This fosters trust.

It fosters connection.

The last thing I want to mention,

Because we could talk about this all day,

Is the dynamic of protector and vulnerable.

This is very interesting,

Because it's a little bit different than structuring chaos,

Because vulnerability is at the core of being human.

We are vulnerable beings.

We never know how long we're here.

We don't really know what's going on.

We try our best.

We try to figure out what the best path is,

But deep down,

We're not really sure.

The truth is,

We are quite vulnerable about judgment on our path,

Because we don't really know.

We're a little vulnerable about the future.

We just don't know about things.

One of my favorite quotes was Desmond Tutu in the book,

The Book of Joy,

When he said that when human beings understand how vulnerable they are,

Everything changes.

We are one phone call away from our whole life changing.

If we actually integrate this into our awareness,

How differently do we live?

How differently do we interact with each other?

If someone says to you,

How are you doing today,

What do you say?

Fine,

Fine,

Fine,

Yeah.

Maybe there's a good time for that,

If it's a stranger or something.

Or what if you said,

Actually,

I'm kind of tired,

Kind of going through some weird stuff.

Do you want to talk about it?

Not really.

But there's a vulnerability.

The simple act of saying,

Actually,

Here's sort of what's going on,

It just opens the door a little bit.

The other person doesn't have to do anything with it.

They don't have to fix you.

They don't have to talk to you about it.

This isn't like a preemptive,

Now you need to fix all my problems discussion.

It's just a simple question.

But it's very interesting to just be honest,

Just be vulnerable.

And to understand the strength in vulnerability,

That it's not a weakness.

It's a case of being able to have that inner strength,

That inner,

Well,

It's like when you have that inner protector vulnerable inside,

Or that inner structure and chaos inside,

When you have that lovely center,

It's a lot easier to be open.

It's a lot easier to be able to say,

I'm actually having a really hard time.

This is going on with my work,

And it's kind of making everything questionable with my finances.

I'm pretty preoccupied with that right now.

Imagine someone being able to say that inside,

Say,

A romantic relationship,

As opposed to not being vulnerable,

And just becoming really quiet,

And not talking.

And again,

No one has to fix it.

No one has to change it.

It's just a communication.

It just creates connection.

And then the other person,

If someone is vulnerable with their heart,

Then you do take the stand of protector,

That we don't take that information,

And then use it against them later,

Or share it with other people,

Or anything like that.

This is a confidence.

They've shared something with you that's hard for them to share,

Or that's really bothering them.

If it's bothering them enough that it's distracting them,

Then we have to be honorable.

We have to own the fact that,

Wow,

Thank you for sharing that.

Maybe it's never mentioned again.

It's not brought up later.

It's not anything.

It's just a vulnerability in that moment.

This creates incredible connection with people.

And sometimes,

Even if someone's not really used to you sharing like that,

Maybe you share anyway,

And you're like,

Yeah,

I'm kind of having a hard time,

Or I'm feeling bloated today.

And the other person's like,

Oh my God,

I really didn't need to know that.

But something in them now knows that,

Wow,

People share stuff like that.

You know what I mean?

It's just whatever builds the tiniest bridge between people.

It's like whatever gives someone a slightly different experience of connecting with others,

This is how we build love between us.

And to do it without judgment,

Without attachment,

Without needing anything back.

And the funny thing is,

As much as we may want to do it for everybody else,

Who really benefits?

We do.

Because we get to act with love in our hearts.

If someone says something and we're upset about it,

We can let the fury rise,

And we can throw it at them if we want.

And there is a time to allow anger.

Or we can sit there,

And imagine this is someone you love,

And you want to resolve this.

Or you sit there and you take a deep breath,

And you use all the tools you've ever learned and all the meditations we've ever done,

And you quiet it down and you say,

Okay,

What question can I ask to understand better?

Just changes everything.

And suddenly there's love inside of us again.

What would you suggest for talking to a teen child who's being disrespectful,

And you haven't given them a reason to?

If they walk away,

We still need to communicate our concerns,

But then we would be demanding them to return to listen.

The hard thing is that that teen does have a story.

There is something going on within that person.

And what we do next is so completely dependent on that person.

So for example,

When my kids were little,

I was sick.

And this is where for me,

I really came to this place with my teacher that I had to learn to listen to what came to me in prayer.

And what that meant was I had to ask for guidance,

I had to listen,

And then I had to act.

And this was my journey of healing.

This was me trying to heal myself.

And my kids were very young,

And so by the time I had come to my healing,

Healed place,

I suddenly had no idea what to do with my children,

Like no idea,

Even though they were only two and four.

It was like,

If they had a discrepancy or they had an issue,

I just,

I looked at them and I thought,

Who am I to know what you should do?

I was 25 and 27 when my kids were born.

I was a baby myself.

I'm still a baby at 54.

What do I know in the grand scheme of all the wisdom in the universe?

Nothing.

And I really felt this when my kids were little.

And so whenever they had an issue,

And of course it gets more complicated as they head to the teen years,

But no matter what it was,

I would say,

Come on,

Let's go sit on the couch.

And we would sit on the couch,

And I would pray,

Meditate,

Whatever you want to call it,

And I would ask for guidance.

What do I do in this instance?

Because it was never the same twice.

It was never,

This is always what I would do with my son,

Or this is always what I would do with my daughter.

In this instance,

In this moment,

The answer might have been,

Do you want to bake chocolate chip cookies?

Fine.

And off we would go,

Baking chocolate chip cookies,

And then eventually they would share with me what was going on.

Or maybe I'd be sitting there and all of a sudden I would have this weird story from my teenage years coming up,

And I would just share it.

And they'd kind of stare at me,

And they'd be like,

Yeah,

That's kind of what's going on at school right now.

Or maybe there was something going on between me and their dad,

And we were kind of hiding it from them,

As parents do,

And for whatever reason I said,

Is this because of what your dad and I are talking about?

Yeah,

I don't really understand what's going on there.

It's so important in every moment to sit in prayer with it.

And I really mean that,

Not in a religious sense,

But in a real,

There is guidance for us,

And it is perfect,

Perfect and unique in that moment,

For that person in that time.

And you may never repeat it,

But it's so worth it,

Especially with kids.

How do you gracefully disagree without hurting the other person?

If someone has an opinion about something,

And you disagree with them,

If you disagree with what they're saying,

That doesn't hurt them.

That's just that I see the world differently than you do.

If they choose to be hurt by the fact that I have a different perspective than them,

That's their choice.

It's just a reality.

How we say it might be different,

But if we simply say,

I really don't see it like that,

And then you guys have to decide to have a different conversation,

Or ask a different question,

Or maybe the discussion becomes,

Alright,

If we have such different perspectives on this,

Where do we go from here?

Is there a different way to connect on this,

Or does it matter that we have the same opinions?

It's a funny thing,

Especially in partnerships,

That we get this idea that we're supposed to think the same,

So we don't actually learn how to love the fact that our partner thinks differently than we do,

Or our children.

My kids and I,

The three of us,

Could sit in a room,

And we could have radically different opinions on all kinds of topics.

How to actually have a conversation,

Respecting all those different perspectives,

That's a worthy challenge.

Maybe someone might say,

I'd love to know more about your perspective,

But it's a really important thing to be able to have different opinions.

Thank you so much for being here,

And I hope you have a wonderful day.