The Pros & Cons Of Perfectionism

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43:44

The Pros & Cons Of Perfectionism

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Is perfectionism all bad? If this is something we have struggled with, then we definitely need to keep it in check so that we can enjoy all aspects of our lives. But what if there are good parts to it? What if perfectionism also brings us to our best and truest selves? What if it helps us create amazing things? Let's look at all the sides of this characteristic that most of us have at some level or in certain areas of our lives.

Self Criticism Attention To Detail Creativity Goal Setting Self Acceptance Clarity Overcoming Fear Self Improvement Mindfulness Perfectionism Awareness Vision Clarity Mindfulness In Daily Life Releasing Fear Of Judgment Creative Process

Meet your Teacher

Toronto, ON, Canada

Meet your Teacher

Toronto, ON, Canada

Transcript

So today we're talking about the pros and cons of perfectionism. And I wanted to talk about this because perfectionism is a big discussion, A big topic, And it's often seen in a very negative light. And I'd like to reclaim the word perfectionism, Because there's actually something very beautiful about it, And there's something very right about it. So that's really what the majority of our discussion is going to be today, About discussing true perfectionism, Why it's good, And some of the hang-ups and the issues that we can have with it. But the first thing we have to do is understand false perfectionism, Because very often we'll say things like, Well, I'm just such a perfectionist, I just don't even want to do that, My perfectionism gets in the way. I'm going to call this false perfectionism, Because what it really is, Is an extreme sensitivity to judgment. It's an extreme fear of criticism. It maybe comes from the fear of the judgment of the world around us. It may have begun in our childhood. Maybe our parents were very judgmental. Maybe it comes from being shamed in school for not getting the A, Or not getting 100%, Or not, I don't know, Being as good as your sibling, Or something like that, Or being as good as the neighbor. Maybe it comes from the church, Being told that you are a sinner, And there's nothing you can do to actually ever become perfect. There's a lot of strange teachings that we've all been raised with, That leave us in a place where we're quite afraid of judgment. And if someone else says, Well, That's not good enough, Or why would you do that? We're suddenly devastated, Because we've been so highly trained to make other people happy, Or to try to be amazing in the eyes of someone else. So what it means is we get set up for a situation where we're actually afraid to do anything. Because no matter what we do, We're going to be judged for it. We're going to be graded on it. And even if that person over there gives me an A, That person over there might fail me. And because of this really weird world, This idea of judgment is even a thing, We end up not doing anything. We end up not painting, Not beginning that exercise routine, Not just trying new foods and changing our diet. We don't do the meditation, We don't do the yoga, We don't do anything. Because we're so afraid that if I don't do it at some fictional level of perfection that is beyond the judgment of others and the judgment of myself, Not worth doing. This isn't perfectionism. This is just fear of judgment. And you can tell, Because very often when we say that, When we say, Well I'm a perfectionist, That's why I didn't do that thing. That's the key. And that's why I didn't do the thing. If an idea of perfectionism stops us from starting, That's not perfectionism. That's just fear of judgment. And it's really important to be clear about that. Because when we use the word perfectionism in that light, It's the wrong word. And it shifts the focus to the wrong thing. Because very often if I say I'm a perfectionist, The first thing I would ask is, So what things in your life have you done to perfection? What are the things that you've done to perfection? Because if you're a perfectionist, Then you have done things to perfection. But if you've not done things, Or you've stopped doing things for the fear of not being perfect, That's fear of judgment. And it's really important to discern between those things, Otherwise we can't actually have a conversation about true perfectionism. And I'm making this distinction because I believe we are moving into a new time. Historically, We just honestly, For generations and generations, We have been beaten up by heavy judgment. Heavy criticism. Criticism. Can you imagine someone looking at your life and being critical of sharing their two cents worth with you? What in the world are they looking at your life and passing judgment for? Like have we been so bored in our lives, Have we been so not on a journey of our own path that we spend time sitting on our metaphorical rocking chair going, Well that person shouldn't have planted the sunflowers beside the corn. And look at that person. I can't believe that person married that guy. I mean, What were they thinking? And look at that, Like where were we trained that this was okay? And then where were we trained to think that what that person sitting on their metaphorical rocking chair thinks of me matters? So to really understand that we are coming out of a crazy consciousness, A crazy imposed consciousness on us that makes us think that anyone else's opinion matters. And therefore, Because we've internalized this fear of judgment in ourselves, We judge ourselves that harshly. It's almost like I'm going to judge myself before you can, You know, Don't you worry about it. I've already beaten the crap out of myself, Which is why I'm still sitting here, Not trying the new thing, Not joining the art class, Not planting the garden, Not learning Spanish, Not trying that new job, Not going out and trying to date that person or whatever. Because the fear of judgment is so high, I don't even want to get started. This isn't perfectionism. It's just fear. Because I want to reclaim the word perfect. I want to reclaim the word perfectionism. And that's what I want to talk about today. So today we're not talking about fear of judgment. We're talking about perfectionism. So what is perfectionism? Perfectionism is a desire for completeness. That when I do a job, I want to do the whole job. Like when we really understand perfectionism. This means that if I'm going to build a deck, I'm going to finish the job. I'm going to have a vision. I'm going to make a plan. I'm going to buy the lumber. I'm going to do the research. I'm going to do whatever I need to do to build a solid deck. And I'm going to build that deck within the perfect vision I had. This is really positive. You want people writing or building a really solid deck. And the challenge is, If you're not a perfectionist, You might not finish the deck. You might make three quarters of the deck and not finish it. So being a perfectionist is great because you actually get to build the deck, Finish the deck, And get on with the next part of your journey. Because very often when we are surrounded by half-finished jobs, We are caught in the past. We are always thinking. It's almost like we're walking through all these past jobs we never finished. That doesn't allow us to live in the present moment because we are always looking at these jobs we have to finish from the past. Truly aiming to be a perfectionist means that when I start a job, I'm going to finish the job. Whatever it is. I mean, It can be the simplest thing. It can be potting the plants. Let's say you love plants and you go around and you go, You know what, Today I'm going to repot a bunch of plants. I'm going to do it all up. Being a perfectionist means I'm going to do it, And then when it's done, I'm going to clean up all the dirt, I'm going to tidy everything up, I'm going to vacuum any mess that happened, And then I'm going to go read a book, I'm going to go make dinner, I'm going to go whatever. And when I come home, All I see are my beautifully potted plants. I don't see half the plants potted and the dirt over there and there over there because I got distracted doing something else or someone came over or whatever. The perfectionist says, Well, Someone comes over and you're like, Hey, How's it going? They're like, Hey, Do you have time for a tea? It's like, Hey, You know what? I'll make you a cup of tea while I finish potting my plants because I'm accustomed to finishing the job I started. This is a good thing. These are the people that you really want to hire or you want to work with on a team because you know that if they say, Yep, I will put the volunteers together and I'm going to get all the picnic tables out and here's me because I'm part of organizing the Pride Festival, So this is me, When you've got people on a team and you know that if you ask them to do something or if they offer to do something, They're actually going to do the whole job, The complete job, It is joyful to work with these people. The day goes off without a hitch. Amazing. Now, There are actually genuine challenges with this desire for completeness. I remember when I was writing my book Tantric Intimacy and I was working with this editor. The challenge with, Say, Writing especially a non-fiction book, It may be the same with fiction books, I don't know, I've never written one, But that you're writing it and you're editing it and you're proofing it and you're changing it, But the problem is every day I would have a new realization and I would want to change something and then I would have another realization and I'd want to change something and my editor finally said, Katrina, You have to stop editing the book. At some point, You have to allow it to be complete. On this day, This book was the summary of my complete thoughts. She said, Maybe you have further thoughts and they become a new book, But at some point you have to stop editing the book and allow it to be complete. That's the thing, Especially if it's any kind of creative process to at some point say that is good enough. Not good enough like I'm settling for something less, But it's actually enough and enough is a very interesting word. If someone says, You know, You're eating food and they say, Have you had enough? You say, Yes, I have had enough. I am complete, But this word enough has gotten this weird idea that you're settling and you look at this painting you've done and you say, That is good enough. That is right for this time. This is the complete picture in this moment. So it's always important to be able to stop refining. Another challenge is when we say, Want to build a deck and you're like, I just don't know if I have time to finish it. The chances are you may not actually get started because you might say, I just don't have time to finish it the way I'd like. It's like, Well, Maybe you can be creative about it. Maybe you can set the stage. Maybe you can start pouring the sauna tubes. Maybe you can plan it. Maybe you can do all these things and then put the order in for the lumber. Maybe there's a creative way you can do it, But maybe you can't get it done in a weekend, But maybe you can get it done over two months. Sometimes that all or nothing, Or maybe you really want to become fit. And you're like, You know what? I've really fallen into a slump. I've fallen into a bit of a rut in my physical fitness and all my joints hurt and I have an excess weight that really makes it hard to go walking and do all the things I used to do. I would love to feel good, But it just seems like such a big job and we just don't even get started. But then we kind of say, All right, Then what is a reasonable plan? What's a reasonable plan for this completeness? Well, If it took me 10 years to get to the state I'm in right now, Then maybe a four month plan isn't really fair to my body and my organs and my mind and my heart. And I mean my feeling heart, Not my physical heart, But maybe my physical heart as well. So maybe instead you say, You know what, I'm going to make a two year plan and over the course of two years, I'm going to build up whatever. And it is insane how every tiny little change that happens builds into this bigger thing. And by the end of two years, You've done it. The thing about the all or nothing is, Is just to be creative and to be reasonable, Right? To be realistic. Another great thing about being a perfectionist is that you have high standards. You can look at the negative side and it's like, Oh, I'm always beating myself about my high standards, But let's really look at that. What does it mean to have high standards for ourselves? It means we're always expanding and we realize that amazing things are possible here. It's almost like the eternal optimism of being alive here on planet earth. Amazing things are possible. This is a good thing. It's a good thing to believe in ourselves. It's a good thing to say, You know what? Yeah, I can do this. There is nothing wrong with having high standards. In the tantric world, There's a teaching all about the fetters. We did a talk about this a couple of weeks ago, Where there are these limitations that are given to us, You know, How does a divine being exist on planet earth as an earthling? Well, You know, You can't be all powerful. So we have limited power and you can't know everything. You can't be omnipotent. So we can have a limited knowledge and you can't be all that there is. You have to be. You have to be a little imperfect. You have to be a little incomplete. You know, We have to play in the bounds of time and space in order to be an earthling. But deep inside, We know we're divine. We know that the sky's the limit. Those are high standards. It's not a negative thing. It's knowing that we are divine beings and we can experience and explore incredible things. We were watching this show last night called Sugar. Very, Very, I've only watched one episode, But it's really neat. I really enjoy it. And of course, The lead character, He's this private investigator. And every person he meets, He can speak their language. He speaks Japanese. He speaks Arabic. He speaks Spanish. You know, He obviously speaks English. This is something that fires me up inside. I love that idea. I love the idea that we could learn multiple languages and be able to converse with people in all these wonderful, Rich ways. That's exciting. That's a fun thing to bust out that ceiling, That false glass ceiling that says, Of course I can learn all these languages. Of course I can. And what's amazing is a high standard also can be your connection to a real inner truth or an inner vision of what you see. Maybe you have a vision of yourself. And I mean a true vision. Again, I'm talking about being really human. I don't mean all the nonsense that Hollywood puts in our brain about what you should look like and how you should act and what car you should drive and all that nonsense. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about each one of us on our individual path. And when we are sitting by the ocean and we realize, I too am this vast, Anything's possible. That is connection to our inner vision. And this is what we're moving towards in this year of 2024, Of being connected to our greatness. So what are the challenges with that? What are the challenges with having these brilliantly high standards? What are the challenges? Well the reality is we live in a world that's still kind of crazy. So we can have all these great desires and high expectations for ourselves. We can never project our high standards onto other people. That's being that person sitting on the metaphorical rocking chair criticizing other people's journeys. We have no idea the journeys other people are taking on the inside. So to be really clear, We're talking about our own high standards. Well we have to understand what perfection means in every moment. If you're at home with young children and the young children are playing and you want them to be creative and you want them to draw and you want them to paint and you want them to build with blocks and you want them to play in the yard and run around and get dirty, What does perfection mean when that is the goal? Does having a perfectly clean house make any sense? Is that actually part of a perfect vision there? Is having your children always clean part of perfection? What does perfection look like in every moment? What does perfection look like when we're on that journey to fitness? What does that look like? Do I suddenly instantly have some super fit body that can run marathons? Or is perfection every day getting up and going for a walk, Walking two blocks? Is that perfection today? What is perfection? And this is where we have to bring in our highest wisdom. We have to always have this beautiful, Neutral, Wise, Conscious, Witness mind that says we are progressing nicely on our journey. Maybe that journey takes a side to her. You know, Maybe suddenly something happens and you seem to, Maybe you get sick, Maybe you have a cold or something like that, And suddenly you can't get out because you're so tired and your bones are hurting and whatever, Right? But maybe this is also perfection. Maybe it's a, Okay, Maybe I need to drink more water. Maybe I need to read some book while I'm laid up that's going to inspire me in the next part of my journey. To always see the perfection in everything. This is a huge deal. And obviously to make sure that the standards we have are not someone else's standards. They're our standards. They are based on this incarnation, This person's path, This woman's journey. For me personally, I have discovered that my greatest joy, My perfect moments are the days that I get to play in this magic bookshelf behind me, That I get to study and expand. The house will get cleaned eventually, The guards will get done eventually, But at the end of the day, I sleep well knowing that I have done my studies. That is what really excites me. That is not someone else's version of perfection, But it is mine. So it's really, Really important to have the beautiful high standards. Like for me, I love a tidy house. I don't really care about a clean house. Once in a while I like it to be clean, But it's tidiness that really floats my boat. When my children were young, Tidiness was a near impossibility. It was just the way it was. A home where you are actively doing things is a work in progress. When I'm writing a book, My office becomes a huge, I don't know what you would call it, A diorama or a huge vision of paper and stacks. And it's almost like I, Because I have to be, I have to have things actually printed to actually really see them. And I create these huge montages everywhere as the book is sketched out in visual in front of me. And until the book finally is in digital form and it's gone to the editor, My office is in perfect chaos. That is the process. So it's very interesting to understand our true perfection and to be very reasonable and wise about it. Another great aspect of perfectionism is attention to detail. When we strive to be perfect, We want every detail to be absolutely perfect. Think how important this is. This is very important. And imagine in real life, I mean, Again, We live in a very funny world where a lot of our jobs and the things we do are virtual. They're not even real. You know, I think of like the stock market or things like that, And you're just sort of like, It's like this entire virtual economy that has nothing to do with reality. But when we go to real things, And let's say you decide you're going to build a canoe, Attention to detail is pretty darn important. You don't want to be glossing over anything. Attention to detail is when you're very careful with your communication with people. You really care about real things, Real interactions. In every interaction you had with another person today, You took great attention to detail. Why do we meditate? Why do we do that? Why do we spend all this time doing yoga and meditating and doing all these things, Listening to amazing people like Joe Dispenza and trying to rewire our mind? Why do we do that? Because we want to live in a meditative, Conscious state where in every moment we can pay attention to the details, Because the details matter. It's kind of like the devil's in the details, But the insight's in the details too. We've had an issue with someone. If we've struggled, If we have issues in the relationship, If we've struggled in our marriage, If we have troubles in our families of origin, These challenges cannot be defined in general. There are details that actually define the issue. It was that one thing my dad said when I was 10 that haunts me. It was that little thing my partner said in bed that time. It's that little thing that we said that makes all the difference. And also in the positive, Sometimes it's that one little thing you did for me, And that's when I realized how much you cared. It's coming home and bringing flowers for no reason, Except that you love this person and you want them to know it. Oh, That's not a big deal. It is a big deal. The details matter. This is when you have a business and you pay attention to the details of what's going on with the people that you've hired. And you notice little things and you realize, Oh, They need this. It's funny things like, As you guys all know, I love the show Ted Lasso. So Ted Lasso, Because I know most of you guys probably haven't watched it, He's an American football amateur coach who gets hired by a premier soccer league in England, Also called football. Of course, He knows nothing about it. And the team just is like, Are you kidding? Because almost on some level, They know this is going to be the death of them. Of course, That's not how it turns out. And so he ends up saying, You know what, Here's a suggestion box, Whatever you need, I'll do it. And of course, Most of the suggestions were very foul words about the nature of his person. And one person said, The water pressure in the showers is terrible. So there's this one guy in the team, This tough guy, He knows that if he can turn this guy around, Everyone will follow. Well, One day, The tough guy walks into the showers, And there is epic water pressure and heat. And he's standing there, And every cell of his body is happy. And as a professional footballer, He feels seen. He feels cared for. Suddenly, Oh my God. He fixed the water pressure. And that tiny detail turned the tide. So if you are a perfectionist, Because you have such incredible attention to detail, This is a good thing. It's the details that ruin our lives. It's those little thoughts that you're all ready because you've been going for a walk every day for a week. And then all of a sudden, Somebody calls, And they say that one thing, And you are time traveled back to a child, And suddenly you're depressed, And you don't go for that walk, And your whole routine is gone. And instead you say, I'm going for a walk anyway. One tiny little sentence makes all the difference. Details are really important. Now, Of course, What are the challenges when we have this epic attention to detail? Sometimes we can lose the big picture of things. You know, What if there's a timeline? What if this thing has to be done by this date, And you get so lost in details, You don't actually get the job done? Some jobs are time dependent. Can you get this done for Sunday when we're having the festival? Yes or no? And you have to be able to look at that and say, Yep, I can get it done. No problem. But then you have to keep your eyes on the big picture. You have to keep your eyes on the whole. And maybe there are certain details that you can be like, You know what, I'm not going to get lost in that. It's kind of like, You know when you decide you're going to clean the house, And you're really excited because you're going to get the whole house clean, And the windows are open because it's springtime, And it's going to be great. And suddenly you open up the junk drawer in the kitchen, And you get lost for two hours in the darn junk drawer. Or you decide you're going to move around the family albums, And next thing you know, There you are, Caught in the family albums. So it is important to actually be able to say sometimes, Okay, You know what, I'll put this on a to-do list for later because in the end, I want to have this house cleaned in two hours. So that's important, To not get lost in that incredible detail. And of course, Because of this world, Because of the judgment we've been raised in, When we have this attention to detail, Very easy to criticize ourselves. It's very easy to not see the hundred things we did right, And look at that one thing we did wrong. But of course, This is a misapplication of attention to detail. I remember years ago, I took piano lessons, And I was an adult. And I had to go and play at a recital. So here I am, 40 years old, Playing with all these 12-year-olds, And my hands were sweating so badly when I actually got up to play the piano. They had to wipe the keys off. I was sweating so much. I was so nervous to play at this recital in front of all the parents of all these other kids. For hours after that recital, I beat myself up about every little mistake I made playing. This is not the correct application of attention to detail. When we find any excuse like that to beat ourselves up, We have to look at that. We have to look at this weird idea that it wasn't absolutely perfect that I got up there and played in front of all these strangers, When I actually am quite a shy person. That is perfection. That my fingers stumbled a couple times, Whatever. Again, The fact that that bothered me isn't perfectionism. That's fear of judgment. Totally different. Totally different. Another beautiful aspect of being a perfectionist is that you can see the finished product. You can see it. It's as clear as a bell. You can see it. This is what I'm going to do. This is what I'm going to accomplish. That. This is amazing. This is the mind of a visionary. This is the mind of an artist. When you can see the finished product already, This is such a blessing. Because when you can see it, Even if you have setbacks, It's okay. Because you can see the top of the mountain. Even if you have to back up a little and zigzag, You keep your eyes on the prize. And I can see it. I see where I can be. I know it. And I'm going to get there. Yep, Okay, I have to go sideways for a minute. Okay, No problem. My eyes are on the prize. This is awesome. And it's very motivating for other people. If you're on a team, And you can see the finish, You can see that absolute beautiful thing in the future, And other people are kind of wavering, And they're not sure, And all of a sudden you're like, Don't you see it? This is what it's going to look like. This is the impact. This is what we can do. I remember there was a time that I was part of a committee, And we were building a skate park in town. I live in a very small town, Which is predominantly a retirement community. It's changing, But it's been predominantly kind of groomed to be a retirement community. The pushback we got from the town was off the charts. People just, Do you know how dangerous skateboarding is? That's where the hooligans hang out, And skateboarding leads to drugs. It was just this insane pushback. And then we had the only place that it really worked in town was this, It was previously an agricultural park, And there were horses there, But they were sort of kept in this dingy barn, And it was really awful. There were five horses there, And it wasn't really a thing. It was barely used. So we actually worked with the YMCA to actually move the horses back out into the country. We're literally surrounded by rural areas, Right? And then we got all this pushback from that, And we would sit there together, And we had a great group, And we would actually vision the skate park, Because we could all see it, And we said, There's going to be a skate park, And there are going to be kids playing on it. They're going to be active. They're going to be using scooters and skateboards, And there's going to be teenagers and young kids and parents sitting around drinking coffee. We can see it. I was the spokesperson for it, So I was the one that had to speak to town council and speak at all these meetings and all this, And that's all he would say. This is what we see. We see an active community. We see kids out playing in the sunshine. That's what we see. And then it didn't matter how many setbacks there were, Because we just kept our eyes on the prize. Now, What are some of the challenges in that? What are the challenges when our eyes are so set on the final product? We easily can lose sight of the journey. We can lose sight of all the million things that happen in the meantime, That we actually can become so driven to finish. We don't realize that we met 50 people along the way. We don't realize that every setback caused us to learn a new skill. We forgot that, Yeah, We have our eyes on the prize, But the journey up the mountain was the juicy part. I'm glad we got to the mountaintop, But what about everything in between? So it's okay, And again, I can glamorize the idea that eyes on the prize, But how often do we even, Again, Maybe we have this fitness journey that I want to really feel healthy in my body. I want mobility. I want to be able to get up and down off the floor easily. I want to go hiking and see the beautiful mountains. I want to do these things. And we have this vision in our mind of our body and this beautiful health, But what about all the wonderful moments in between? Like right now in Canada, Or at least here in Ontario, The trees are in blossom. I don't know whether they're apple trees or cherry trees or what they are, But when I take the dog for a walk, I take Storm for a walk, The smells of these blossoms, It's overwhelming. It's like if you've ever smelled jasmine, And you're walking and all of a sudden you take a breath in and you're like, And you're like literally transported to heaven. Like it is just the most, Oh, Beautiful thing. What if we become so focused on becoming fit that we don't realize that the blessing of getting out and going for a walk is that we got to see the changing seasons, And we got to smell the cherry blossoms, And we got to feel the sunshine, And we completely missed out on all the beautiful things in between. It's the same even with taking care of my son's dog, Stormy G, Who lots of you guys have met. When she was four months old, And my son broke up with a girlfriend who was going to be taking care of her, And all of a sudden he's got this four-month-old husky, And he's working 10-hour days. And it's like, Well, I'll take care of him. And here I am, Happily in my blissful solitude, In my laboratory, Doing my things, Creating courses, Writing books, And I suddenly have a toddler in the form of a four-month-old husky, Underfoot. But I'll tell you, I'm so thankful because she got me outside in all kinds of weather, And she got me meeting cool people at the dog park, And she got me walking around uptown where I easily can get lost in study and writing. What a blessing in the middle of it all. So in the end, I think perfectionism is beautiful. I think it touches the true potential of being human, That we should never settle for being less than whole, Less than being complete. It's almost like we've been trained that, You know what, If you're at 60% of who you are, That's cool. And to really understand that perfectionism doesn't mean you have a perfect body. Maybe you're in a wheelchair. Or maybe you have illness that doesn't allow you to go walking. Like one of my friends, She has this debilitating bone disease that she can no longer walk and hike and do all these things. Does that mean she's no longer capable of perfection in her life? Of course not. This is where she is. So she writes, And she does art, And she dances, And she gathers with friends, And she lives a beautiful life, And it's perfect. Perfectionism has nothing to do with our circumstances, Or our age, Or our health, Or anything. It's just about holding that vision and working towards it. It's a very beautiful thing that I think we need to reclaim. So thank you so much for being here. I hope you have a wonderful day.