Who Is This "I"?: Radiance Sutras Verse 108

So today we're reading from this book,

The Radiant Sutras,

And this is an interpretation of the Vijnana Bhairava Tantra,

And it's written by Lauren Roche.

The Vijnana Bhairava Tantra comes out of the tantric lineage of Kashmir Shaivism.

It's a series of 112 sutras,

And each sutra is meant to turn a little dial inside of us that brings us a little bit closer to being able to fully embrace this world in this body and embrace our truth,

Who we really are,

Our infinite divine self.

Because this is what,

If someone was to say,

Well,

What's the basic teaching of Tantra?

The basic teaching of Tantra is that we are fully divine and we are fully human,

And both of these are equally important.

And they aren't meant to be separate,

That,

Oh,

When I'm at home and I'm doing yoga or I'm meditating,

I'm fully connected to God,

Or when I'm burning incense or I'm doing some kind of ritual,

I am so connected.

But in the rest of my life,

I'm mean to people,

Or I'm difficult,

Or I'm all that kind of thing.

The idea is that we merge these things,

That all day long,

And it isn't about being perfect.

Being here in maya,

Being here incarnate,

Isn't about being perfect beings.

Otherwise,

Life would be incredibly boring.

And when I say perfect,

I also mean someone that isn't on a journey of growth,

That you could actually have reached a certain point in your life where life's pretty good.

You've really done a lot of work,

You've sorted a lot of things out,

And you're actually living in quite a clear space.

And from this clear space,

We get to expand.

And when we expand,

Other little funny things pop up.

Because we are not islands.

Like,

We have this idea sometimes that I'm on a spiritual journey,

And I've done all this work,

And so I am now a pure being,

Or something.

I remember teaching once to a room of people,

And they were very curious.

They weren't responsive.

And of course,

When a room isn't responsive,

They kind of just sat there like monks.

And they weren't monks,

They were just studying a particular teaching.

And so what happens if I'm teaching a room like that,

And they're not responding?

Well,

Then I just get edgier,

And I start telling really weird sexual stories,

And it's so weird.

I kind of watch myself doing anything to get a rise out of them.

Anything to get a smile,

Or a tear,

Or anything.

And anyway,

It didn't work.

And at the end of the class,

I ended up sitting down with one of the women,

And we were just sitting on the couch,

And I said,

It's such a curious thing.

Like,

I didn't understand that that's not normally how my talks go.

Normally,

They're very interactive,

And everyone's heart open,

And everyone's really,

It's lovely.

And she said,

Oh,

Well,

You have to understand,

You know,

We've been studying this one particular teaching for some time now,

And you know,

Most of us are spiritual graduates.

We're not really on that learning path any longer.

And I,

This is,

Obviously,

I'm pretty opinionated about this,

So take it with a grain of salt.

But I guess I don't see life like that.

And maybe I'm wrong.

I'll give them that much credit.

But Tantra,

How I would see it,

Is that we are forever expanding.

As long as we are incarnate here,

We are not omnipotent,

Omniscient.

We are not all things,

Which means that we can forever expand into that.

We can always get bigger.

We can always get lighter.

We can always learn more about this world and have more understanding.

But this idea that we are this insular individual who is now enlightened or something,

And I'm not,

I don't want to talk about the greats,

You know,

I don't want to talk about Jesus and the Buddha and all that.

I want to talk about people like us.

The reality is,

And this is a,

It's a very common teaching that we are not islands.

We are interconnected to each other,

Whether we like it or not.

I carry the genetic history and memory of my forefathers and foremothers.

I have inherited tendencies,

Beliefs.

Epigenetics says that even as an embryo in my mother,

Or a seed in my mother's womb,

Inside her mother's womb,

I carry the energetic memory of my mother and my grandmother.

I am interconnected with every person all around us,

Every person.

It's not a small thing.

So what that means is that imagine I've done all this work sort of on the Katrina personality.

But then as I expand a little bit more,

There's like a ceiling.

How far can I go?

How far can I expand?

I'm going to hit a wall.

Well,

What is that wall?

Well,

Maybe it's something from a past life that now I'm in a state that I can look at that and heal it.

And then maybe I expand a little bit more and I learned to love that part of me that,

I don't know,

Was an assassin in a past life.

But I've expanded my understanding to a point that I can fully love and embrace that part of me.

And then maybe I expand a little bit more and I can embrace some aspect of my family's history or tendencies that maybe in this personality,

I would judge harshly.

And I have judged my parents and my grandparents and my siblings for these traits.

But as I expand my consciousness,

I begin to understand more.

This is why the spiritual journey is blissfully endless.

We can just keep finding all those pieces and keep healing them.

And this idea that we each are this lovely little microcosm of the macrocosm,

That every one of us is the entire world.

So as I expand,

I affect even more people all around me.

And it's not even that because I wrote an article or because I did a talk or something.

That's not it.

Your very consciousness affects the whole.

And so growth is endless.

As long as we are living and breathing,

We are growing.

And it's wonderful.

Like why wouldn't we want to learn new things?

Why wouldn't we want new challenges?

So this is the point of the Radiant Sutras.

Each sutra,

Each verse,

Is a tiny little meditation that helps turn the dial inside to expand us just a little.

And then within that expansion,

We see new things in our lives.

We have a slightly different vantage point on relationships,

On what we believe success is,

On our past failings that we might have judged.

And suddenly we're just slightly different and we see it differently.

This is what we're playing with here.

Beginner's eyes.

Totally.

I learned this from Tai Chi.

Once you think you've mastered everything,

You need to go back to the beginner's class and figure out how to do it.

Thank you for saying that.

It's so beautiful.

Because it's almost like you've come to a state of mastery,

Which you have.

But that state of mastery now gives you an expanded viewpoint.

And then when you go back to that beginner's class,

You're able to sink into the experience more and actually take in what these movements are really doing.

You're able to connect with the chi inside.

You're able to connect with all these things in a brand new way.

It's almost like you're now creating the foundation of someone who has mastered this and now you gain wisdom.

Right?

It's just beautiful.

All righty.

So today we are reading Sutra 108.

So whether you have the book or not,

Let's close our eyes and let's breathe deeply.

Let's connect with that eternal self inside.

The next time the thought arises,

I want this or I think that.

Grab hold of this I.

Perceive it by itself.

Wonder,

Who is this I?

I am animal.

I am human.

I am a loving heart.

I am a questing mind.

I am a particle of infinity.

I am a witness to creation.

I am consciousness itself.

In meditation,

Embrace all these dimensions.

Reach into the source,

The luminous world of dancing energies in ever-changing relatedness.

Where does that take you?

How does it make you feel?

What thoughts roll through your mind?

Dancing the dance between form and formlessness.

I am ever-evolving.

I am different today than I have ever been or ever will be.

I am constantly evolving.

Like a kaleidoscope.

Imagine thinking about our days like a kaleidoscope.

That all we do is turn the dial and everything's a little different.

I am infinite connection.

The watcher of the small I.

I am all things,

No limit.

So this sutra,

The focus is understanding the difference between the small I and the big I,

That each one of us is.

So if we call the small I the ego,

Or in Sanskrit they would call it ahamkara.

Now the ego is very important.

The ego is what defines us here in maya.

If you were to imagine that there was no maya,

Then we are all infinite consciousness.

This is where all of us are truly part of a singularity.

God,

Brahman,

Shiva,

Shakti.

Through the creation of maya,

We each have an opportunity to be separate.

We each have an opportunity to be individuals.

And the ego,

The ahamkara,

Is the function in the brain that gives us that sense of I.

And it's important.

If I don't know that I'm Katrina,

Then I won't know what to do today.

I'll just sit like a rock or a carrot.

Why?

Because I have no sense of self.

I have no sense of mission.

I have no sense of desire.

I have no sense of anything.

So ego gives us that sense of self.

So ego is important.

But we've lived in a very strange world.

In a strange world of separation,

Of scarcity,

And separation beyond just we're individuals.

Separation from each other,

Like releasing community and things like that.

And because of the scarcity,

That ego has become possessive.

This is mine.

That's mine.

That's yours.

I want that thing that you have.

And this is real,

Right?

This doesn't have to be weird,

Enlightened,

Mountaintop stuff.

Let's say you really want to have a car,

But you've never been able to afford a car.

So you work,

And you work,

And you work,

And you work,

And you work,

And you save money,

And you buy a car.

And you're really proud about it.

You're like,

I bought a car.

I have a car.

This is my car.

Yeah,

It's my car.

Yeah,

It's awesome.

Part of the human experience.

The danger comes when you think that having that car somehow defines who you are.

Now to understand,

There's nothing wrong with wanting to buy a car and buying a car.

Nothing wrong with that.

It gets dangerous when we identify with the car.

Now I'm a little bit more important.

Or to think that I wasn't important when I didn't have a car.

Or well,

I own a house,

Right?

I have my own house.

So this really defines me as obviously a successful person,

Because I own my own house.

And someone else might be like,

I share an apartment with four people.

And that defines me.

Either that I'm above owning my own house,

Because I'm not playing in the racket,

The,

What do you call it?

The market racket.

I've lost the word that includes racket.

Or,

Oh,

Well,

I don't have enough money,

And I really struggle,

And so I can't afford that.

And I,

I,

I,

I.

Or maybe I think,

I'm very smart.

Yes,

I'm very smart.

I have four degrees,

And I am this and I am that.

Well,

Or I'm not very smart.

I didn't even finish high school.

I'm not very smart.

None of these things are true.

Maybe the ego has certain experiences,

Maybe certain things have come across their world.

But I,

Big I,

Is transcendent light,

Witnessing an incarnation here on earth.

Who you really are,

Never changes.

Whether you have 12 cars,

No car,

Not even a bike.

I am God consciousness.

Whether I am single,

Married,

Hopeful,

Divorced,

Lonely,

None of this is who you are.

This is the,

The chapter of the life of the ego that you are enjoying,

Exploring,

But it's not who you are.

It's just something you're experiencing right now.

And this is a very interesting thing,

That whenever we find ourselves saying,

I just can't get over this.

I'll never forgive that person.

Whatever the things that really,

Like to really think of the things that actually impact our lives.

You know,

What are the things that I say,

I am,

I won't,

I believe in,

Whatever.

And we so heavily identify with the last part of the sentence.

So I highly recommend taking a piece of paper right now,

If you have one,

Or if you're driving,

Do it later or something.

Or even right now,

As we're speaking,

Just to think,

If you were to make a list of 20 I am statements,

Or I have,

If you were to meet a brand new person on the street,

What would you want them to know about you?

Maybe I am educated,

I make this much money,

Or maybe what don't you want them to know about you,

That you heavily identify with.

I believe in this,

Or I politically lean this way,

Or I have a dog,

You better like dogs,

Or whatever.

But let's say you made a list of 20 things.

I am Katrina,

I live in Goddard,

I rent a house,

I have a partner,

I take care of my son's dog,

I teach on Insight Timer,

I wrote,

Write books,

I teach Tantra,

Whatever.

It's not a heavy experiment.

And then to look at that list and draw a line down between the I and the M,

I and the AM,

And look at all those things on the right.

It's just the definition of your ego,

It's the definition of the character you are playing here in Maya.

Awesome.

It's literally like you are an actor,

And they have given you the screenplay,

And they've given you the definition of the character you're going to play.

And the right hand side of that page basically is the character that you need to play.

Remember,

You're still grieving this loss,

So make sure you really keep that in all of your interactions during the play.

Or remember,

You think you're better than everybody else,

You really need that aloofness to play whatever character you've been given.

But the I is the person playing the character.

The person playing the character doesn't change depending on what character they play.

They're still who they are.

It's like the funny things about even actors and actresses in Hollywood,

How we start to believe that they really are the characters that we've seen them in movies.

But the reality is,

If you were to go home with them,

And hang out with them and their dog or their partner or their family,

To find out they're actually nothing like the many,

Many characters they've played.

You don't actually know them at all.

Even though you've seen them in,

You know,

I love Sandra Bullock.

I've seen Sandra Bullock in so many movies.

But for me to say that I know Sandra Bullock is nonsense.

This is the same with us.

We are playing a very interesting role here.

And it's important.

It's part of our journey.

It's why we're here.

But what if we also remembered who we really are?

What if we also remembered I?

Why is I am strong,

I'm invincible?

I don't know,

Jeff,

But now I have that song in my head.

So in Tantra,

They talk about something called vikalpa.

And a vikalpa,

It's a thought form.

In this particular sutra,

They specifically say,

The mind is filled with dichotomizing vikalpas,

Which I love.

So dichotomizing,

What that means,

A dichotomy is when something has two sides.

Like I'm struggling with the dichotomy of this versus that,

That kind of thing.

And so to imagine that your mind is filled with vikalpas,

They're always bringing up the opposite thought.

So you have a thought,

And then the opposite thought comes up.

And then you decide whether you agree with that opposite thought.

So you either agree with the opposite thought,

Or you disagree with the opposite thought,

Thus creating another opposing thought.

And you kind of constantly,

This is what our brain is always doing.

It's just having these thoughts that stimulate other thought,

Either for or against.

Do I believe it?

Yes.

No.

Okay,

I'm going to argue with it.

Okay,

What do I think now?

And this is normal.

This isn't some dysfunction or maladaptation.

So how do you get out of them?

Like how do you,

It's so easy just to say,

Oh,

Just stop thinking,

Or don't think about that thing,

Or rise above it,

Or whatever.

So the teaching is to understand what makes up the ego.

What makes up this definition of self?

What is it that defines,

As I walk through my days,

What are the building blocks of my ego?

And maybe if I can understand that,

It'll be easier to let go of the ego in order to feel my true self.

And again,

To understand,

We're not letting go of the ego and throwing it in the garbage.

We're just letting go of it enough to let it go sit on the couch while we explore who we really are.

It's kind of like that actor who lets go of the costuming and goes home and spends a week at home before returning back to the play.

But what if you never get off the stage?

What if you start to identify with the character?

So this is the process to understand how do we let go of the character and remember who we really are,

Or who we also are.

So in Kashmir Shaivism,

The ego is made up of three different minds.

It's almost like the sub-minds that make up the ego.

And these three minds are Budhi,

B-U-D-D-I or B-U-D-D-H-I.

And that is the intellect.

That is the part of our brain that says,

Ah,

Yes,

I'm going to turn right,

Left and right and that will get me to the grocery store.

Excellent.

That's the part of our brain that says,

I'm not going to be friends with you because you were really mean to me and I don't really like that.

It's the discerning part of our brain.

Is that helpful?

Is that what I want?

That kind of thing.

Then you have Manas,

M-A-N-A-S.

And Manas is the part of our brain that interprets the world around us through our senses.

This is the part of my brain that even hears me speaking and knows that I'm saying the words that I mean to be saying,

Or that smells if there's a skunk nearby,

Or feels touch.

This is the part of my brain that says,

Oh,

That feels nice,

Or that feels hard,

Or that hurts,

Or that's wet,

Or that's hot.

Because there's a part of our brain that interprets all of our senses.

And this is Manas.

So you can imagine how Manas plays with Budi.

Someone touches my face gently and Manas says,

Oh,

That's nice and soft.

And then Budi says,

Oh,

I like that.

Let's do more of that.

Or I touch a hot stove and Manas says,

Oh,

That really hurts.

And then Budi comes in and says,

Ah,

Must make sure we don't touch the stove any longer.

There's just two different functions.

And then we have Chitta,

C-H-I-T-T-A.

Obviously,

None of these words are actually spelled in English.

They're Sanskrit,

But that's how we would pronounce them.

And Chitta,

Well,

Chitta has many,

Many meanings.

But in this particular context,

It is the repository of all of our experiences,

All of our memories.

So if you imagine an interplay now,

That you smell something,

And your whole body then accesses Chitta and says,

Oh,

I remember this smell.

I love this smell,

Like aromatherapy.

And then Budi comes in and says,

Oh,

No,

No,

Get away.

It's a bakery.

It's going to make you go eat more bread,

And you don't want to eat bread.

So you can imagine these Vikalpas flying from in this triangular formation,

Right?

Oh,

I remember this.

Oh,

Oh,

Oh,

Oh,

Oh,

Oh,

Oh,

Oh,

The three stooges.

You can feel this in your mind,

How every single experience we have is comparing to an experience in the past in Chitta,

Then discerning whether or not we want to do it or not do it.

And then we do something.

You know what I mean?

Like it's constantly doing this thing.

And what's crazy is the interaction of these three minds makes up our ego.

That's what makes every person here different.

This is why if there's 140 people here right now,

We can all witness something and walk away with an entirely different story.

Because we each have different training in the Manas,

Chitta,

And Budi.

This is why we can all be raised in the same home by the same parents and have incredibly different memories,

Incredibly different experiences,

Because our egos are so unique.

So this is one of the beautiful ways,

This understanding of how the different minds make up the ego,

Help us actually set the ego over on the couch so we can feel the eternal I that we are.

So you know,

When we sit and we meditate,

When you close your eyes and you breathe,

All of a sudden,

The thought comes into our mind,

My knee hurts.

Well,

You know,

This is Manas.

So you just sort of watch it and you go,

Well,

That's interesting.

Manas is firing.

And then maybe Chitta pops in and says,

Oh,

My knee always hurts when I meditate.

And then Budi pops in and says,

What's wrong with me that I can't do this?

You know,

Whatever,

Or I don't want to do this anymore.

I'm going to go sit on a chair and meditate because that's going to be better.

But when you can actually sit and watch the mind have these thoughts,

You're halfway there.

Because now you're witnessing these vikalpas flying around in your mind,

And you're not attached to them.

But you're watching and you're starting to realize that,

Oh,

I see what's happening here.

And this is why when we meditate,

The idea is,

When thoughts come in,

Just let them float through.

Just you don't,

They don't have to stop.

Just watch them.

And then ask yourself,

Who's watching?

Who's watching these thoughts?

Because we often say that we identify with our thoughts.

We think the thoughts are who we are.

And it's true.

They are who our ego is.

They are who this character is that we are playing here on earth.

But that's not all who we are.

There is also the one watching the thoughts.

And imagine how peaceful that is to also connect with that.

Let's do a meditation.

Wherever you are,

Close your eyes.

Sitting,

Lying down,

Wherever.

Unless you're driving.

Let's just breathe deeply.

Expanding the belly as we inhale.

Contracting as we exhale.

And in your mind's eye,

I would like you to visualize yourself sitting on a bench in beautiful surroundings.

And in your mind's eye,

Allow yourself to look around.

And within your mind,

Begin to name all the things you are.

Begin with your name.

I am so and so.

I live here.

I am married to so and so.

Or I once was.

Or whatever.

Whatever.

But for one minute,

I'd like you just to state,

I am,

I have.

Just allow your mind to free flow.

And then in your mind's eye,

I'd like you to visualize these statements as a list.

And take the right hand of all the statements,

Beginning with am,

Have,

Whatever.

And just mentally release them from the eye and set them on the bench beside you.

And then let all of the eyes fill up your heart.

And breathe into this big I,

Who you are.

Expand the belly,

The ribs,

The upper chest.

Feel this I flow all the way down to your toes,

Out to your fingertips,

Through your mind,

Your face.

And then I would love for you to think this mantra.

I am present everywhere.

Everything is in me.

I am present everywhere.

Everything is in me.

And continue with your visualization of you on the bench,

Looking around.

I am present everywhere.

Everything is in me.

Aham mama idam iti adi pratipati prasangata niradhara manayati tat dhyana preranat shami.

The next time the thought arises,

I want this,

Or I think that,

Grab hold of this I,

Perceive it by itself,

Wonder,

Who is this I?

I am animal.

I am human.

I am a loving heart.

I am a questing mind.

I am a particle of infinity.

I am a witness to creation.

I am consciousness itself.

In meditation,

Embrace all these dimensions.

Reach into the source,

The luminous world of dancing energies and ever-changing relatedness.

And in your mind's eye,

Take a deep breath in.

Exhale and close your eyes.

Bringing this expansiveness into all aspects of your life.

And then let's open our eyes and come back together.

Thank you so much for being here.

And I hope you have a wonderful day.