Having Preferences: A Spiritual Practice

Today we're going to talk about knowing what you like and being okay with what you like.

And I almost thought about naming this podcast preferences are spiritual too,

Or something like having a preference doesn't mean that you're not spiritual.

And I'm going to be really honest,

I think for years of my life,

I thought so I specifically grew up in the Christian church.

And then now,

In my,

You know,

Mid 30s,

And probably since my,

You know,

Early to mid 20s,

I've been deeply studying Buddhism.

And I think for a long time with both of those in my history,

And in my context,

And in my perspectives,

I thought that if I had a preference for something specific,

That that would mean I'm attached to something and that attachment is going to bring me suffering.

And so I need to let go of that attachment.

So I don't need to like that thing,

So on and so on.

And then layered on top of that,

Having preferences about things that also don't quote unquote seem spiritual,

Like liking shaving my legs,

Or liking having my,

You know,

Toenails done getting a pedicure.

And liking,

You know,

Clothes and fashion and how I present myself.

Like all of these things,

You know,

It's like even in talking about it,

I can feel this judgment around the whole thing,

Like,

You are going to suffer because of these preferences.

And like,

You're going to suffer if your legs aren't shaved,

And then you're going to like,

I literally this happened today.

This is the the impetus,

The the beautiful inspiration for this podcast is that I was sitting on the couch and I just like cross my legs and my legs weren't shaved and I found it very unattractive.

I was kind of like,

Like,

I don't know,

Just like I had this reaction to it.

And so I literally got up,

Went to the bathroom,

Shaved my legs.

And I feel better.

Like I feel I look at my legs.

I'm like,

Yeah,

That's how I want them to look.

And so there's this idea,

You know,

Because of the Buddhism specifically,

That if I have a preference,

Then that means I have an attachment,

Which means that,

You know,

I want something I'm desiring something.

And if I don't get that desired thing,

Then I will suffer.

Or if that desired thing goes away,

Then I will suffer.

And I can really,

Like,

Deeply believe that or even like wanting my body to be a certain way,

Like wanting to work on my body,

Wanting to work out in certain ways,

Like I would,

You know,

Really like to do certain exercises to shape my booty,

You know,

Like these types of things.

And I often just notice how much I judge myself.

And when I judge myself,

It's really interesting what comes next is then I just like throw the idea completely out the window.

I don't need to care about that.

That's not real.

That's not that's not what I should focus on.

You know,

I shouldn't have preferences about that.

When my legs aren't shaved,

And I'm feeling suffering,

Or I'm having a reaction,

I should just sit with that reaction.

You know,

All these things.

And I kind of think they're true.

I don't think I don't think that they're necessarily wrong.

But here's the thing that I think is what I would call maybe wrong thinking or trying to think what how I want to word it.

It's pretty much like wrong perspective,

In that these things could be true for sure.

And the second that I judge myself,

I then like,

And I then am also attached to this other perspective.

I'm then attached to the Buddhism too,

Which also causes suffering.

And it's this whole thing.

It's kind of like I posted on Instagram yesterday,

And I don't know where this even came from.

It just I was sitting there,

And it just came to me.

But it was like,

This idea of like,

What if everything that we're longing to be in our life?

What if we were already that thing?

And it's kind of like,

That awareness,

Like I,

It's like,

Anything I could desire most for myself,

Maybe I'm already those things.

And you know,

It's kind of this idea that however everything is right now,

Is actually okay.

And is actually perfect.

And when you know,

We settle into that,

There's no reason to like be nitpicking your body,

There's no reason to be suffering over the hairy legs.

There's no reason right?

There is this deeper truth in these things that I think whenever I have preferences.

And so,

You know,

Attached to this is that,

You know,

Like I said,

The judgment is also attachment.

And so we then have to like,

Look at that too,

We have to open our perspective more and more and more.

And when I do that,

When I open my perspective more and more and more to be able to hold it all,

Right to hold that I'm judging myself to hold that I have this preference to hold the Buddhist teachings to hold it all,

Then literally in like present moment,

It's okay for me to have a preference.

And if that preference isn't around,

Can I keep a peaceful mind.

So if my preference is shaving my legs and having smooth legs,

That's great.

Not a problem.

It's spiritual to know yourself and to understand the desires that you do have frame and understanding that and just kind of owning it.

That's the part that I'm really excited to talk about is like owning your desires,

But it's like,

You know,

Having a desire isn't not spiritual.

Like maybe our only jobs here is to just be present to whatever arises and pay attention.

And that includes having desires.

There's nothing wrong with the desires at all.

And honestly,

I've been thinking about it.

I'm like,

Okay,

Humans,

You know,

I'm not sure that we're all born.

To become Buddhas or to become enlightened.

I'm not sure like,

I think that maybe if you were enlightened,

Then maybe you wouldn't have preferences and maybe you wouldn't care about much or maybe you would have them but you wouldn't,

You know,

The preference would just enter and like kind of like if we were to talk about,

You know,

One thing enters into the air and then it leaves out the other that kind of I think they say that people that don't listen.

Anyway,

You get the point.

It's kind of like,

The preference arises in your awareness and then because you're not attached to it and you're not like,

Oh,

I have this preference,

Let me go chase the preference that it just enters in and then it floats away and goes away and changes like everything else in the universe.

And being human and being alive and in this human body,

I do think that there are things that we can do that can just bring us more joy can just bring us more connection to ourselves can just make us feel more confident that can just,

You know,

Help,

Help us stay connected to ourselves and one of those things I think is to know your desires and to be okay with those desires while also not being attached to them.

While not just chasing them until I don't know,

You're broke and you have to,

You know,

Refinance your house to pay off your credit card bills like it's not like that,

Like not needing to chase the preferences all the time until it's harmful,

But to know you have preferences and move toward those preferences like that's fine.

And then when the preferences have gone away or the preferences,

Preferences,

Excuse me,

Aren't here anymore because they too go away like everything.

Can you keep a peaceful mind?

And you know,

Keeping a peaceful mind,

What I mean about that is like not reacting to it knowing that everything will change,

Including the preferences and that everything will go away.

And you know,

Just not reacting to it just living in the wisdom and the truth of all of that living in the wisdom and the truth of being alive,

Which is this transient,

You know,

Transitory,

Constantly changing,

Shifting,

Morphing,

Coming,

Going experience that having a preference can actually just help you enjoy your life more.

And so to pay attention to what you like is just like,

Maybe a gift you give yourself.

It's the kindness,

It's the compassion of Buddhism of saying like,

I live in a human body,

And I don't know how to completely get rid of my desires.

And I don't even think that's necessarily what life is about.

And I don't know how to quit chasing my desires all the time.

So maybe I can just notice them be have more awareness of them and sometimes move toward them and enjoy them and enjoy my life and take some deep breaths and smile.

Like after I shaved my legs,

I was just like touching,

You know,

Touching them because they're so soft,

And just soaking up the joy of it.

And I think what we do in this culture is that we,

We have a preference,

We get it,

And we don't really enjoy it.

It's like we engage in the preference and then we're off to the next preference,

Like in our minds,

Like we'll be dreaming about the burger and we'll go to the place that we want to eat this burger and we get the burger.

And maybe we take the first bite and it's delicious.

And then the mind's like,

Oh,

We should get ice cream after this,

Right?

It's like the mind doesn't actually absorb,

Take in the thing that's giving it joy,

The preference.

And you know,

There's a lot of science that kind of talks about that maybe we maybe we enjoy the excitement right before we get the thing.

Like that's actually we're like kind of looking for the exciting part,

The thrill,

The chase of whatever the thing is.

And maybe that's because we're a bored culture because we're no longer,

You know,

Having to find our food or kill animals to eat or to find shelter or,

You know,

We're no longer,

We have a bunch of energy and we don't know how to use that energy.

So one way to use that energy is just to like,

I don't know,

Obsess about our desires and chase after them and after them and after them and not have awareness.

And,

You know,

It's like we we can misdirect these energies.

And maybe if we allowed ourselves to,

You know,

Enjoy our preferences without judgment,

And then enjoy the whole process,

Enjoy the eating of the burger,

Enjoy what it feels like in the body,

Even if it feels heavy,

Notice that without judgment,

Right?

And then enjoy,

You know,

Maybe the run that you do the next day that is like fueled by that burger,

You know,

I'm not sure but enjoying it,

Enjoying the coming of it,

The actual doing of it,

And then the going of it.

And you know,

Maybe this just is like the need for slower lives,

Where we actually have the space to take things in.

It's funny,

Every time I like talk about slowing down,

I notice that my voice slows or my breath slows down,

Which I really appreciate the body doing.

It's kind of like slow,

Like,

It like is a lever that the body knows about.

So one way that I've been really trying to understand my preferences,

And know what I like,

I remember Jack Kornfield,

When I when he was mentoring me,

I remember one of the things that he talked about is,

After he was a monk for many years in Tibet,

He came back to the United States,

He decided to disrobe.

And he came back to the United States,

And he met this woman,

And he like,

Started dating her.

And one of the things that she hated about him is that he had no preferences.

She'd be like,

Hey,

Where do you want to go to dinner?

And he'd be like,

I don't care,

Where do you want to go?

You know,

And finally,

She was just like,

Enough is enough.

And I love that story,

Because it's so real.

It's and,

You know,

He said that he would keep a little notebook.

And I love this advice.

And it's something that I have practiced,

Not necessarily with a little notebook,

But lots of journaling is he said he kept a little notebook and he would notice when he liked something like,

Oh,

I like tamales,

You know,

Or,

Ooh,

I really like watching the sunset or,

Ooh,

And I've kind of been doing the same thing like,

Ooh,

I love this type of earring.

Ooh,

I love it when my legs are shaved.

Ooh,

I love this,

You know,

When I wear these pants with this shirt.

Ooh,

I love Indian food,

Right?

Like,

Oh,

I love this song and like experiencing it.

So you know,

Really just beginning to notice the things that you're drawn to,

Or really just begin to notice the things that maybe in moments,

Bring joy,

Help joy arise or happiness arise,

Or excitement arise,

Or,

You know,

Just paying attention to what occurs when you bump up against certain things.

And notice kind of the causation when this when I do this,

This happens,

Like notice the cause and effect,

Notice the effect that this has on,

You know,

This thing that you're doing has on you.

And then keep notes of that.

And here's where it gets really,

You know,

Buddhist,

This is where the preferences are spiritual,

Like it's okay to go and do the things you prefer.

And then how can you be when they go away,

Right?

So when you're noticing a preference,

You know,

You can know,

Notice and know a few other things,

Which is one,

This preference might change,

It probably will change.

Maybe you eat chocolate ice cream for four years of your life.

And then when you're 41,

You,

Your taste buds change,

And you hate chocolate ice cream.

I've heard of this happening.

Or you get pregnant,

And all of a sudden,

You can't eat ice cream,

Right?

It's like,

Really being aware that this preference will probably change at some point.

Sometimes they last longer than others.

And that this preference might go away at some point.

So you know,

Like,

The man I'm dating,

I prefer him over all other men.

And you know,

One day,

He might die.

And that preference will go away.

And so it's,

It's allowing yourself giving yourself the permission to walk toward your preference,

While also living in the truth about that everything is impermanent in this life,

Nothing is promised forever.

So holding the preference lightly,

Holding it gently,

And one way you can practice this,

Just hold your hand out like you're holding change.

Okay,

So you're holding change.

Okay,

Now squeeze the change like no one can get the change,

Squeeze your hands,

Squeeze the palm,

Keep the change.

Don't let anybody get squeeze,

Squeeze,

Notice how it feels in the body.

You're holding something tightly,

You're attached to it.

Okay,

Now just hold the change,

But open the fingers,

And somebody might steal the change,

You know,

Your hands open,

But just notice how it feels in the body to hold the change lightly,

You still have the change.

You still want this change,

You want this money,

It's yours,

You earned it,

Whatever.

But you're holding it lightly,

You're not attached to it so that if somebody comes and they take a dime,

That you can be like,

Hmm,

That dime's gone now.

Interesting.

How did that make me feel?

What did that bring up in me?

Can I be with it?

Can I not judge myself?

Can I practice maybe not judging the other person,

While maybe still even calling them out,

Like,

Hey,

You took the dime.

And that dime,

You know,

At that moment was mine.

Would you be willing to give it back?

And if they say no,

Then you got to let go of that,

Right?

Like holding everything lightly doesn't mean that you don't speak up,

Doesn't mean you don't say something,

It doesn't mean that you don't try to get that thing back.

And you have to hold them that lightly too,

Like,

I'm gonna try to get this back.

But if it doesn't work out,

That's a possibility living in reality,

Living in the truth.

And it's kind of trying to stay in that truth,

Which is that everything's going to change.

You know,

Everything's going to go away.

And just letting that soak in with everything that you practice in life.

And so,

You know,

Knowing what you like,

Can be a place of empowerment,

A place of,

I am in control of my own happiness.

I have the ability to cultivate my own joy,

Like really owning that.

And also,

Not being attached to these things that in moments we prefer.

And so I just want to,

You know,

Encourage everyone to go and enjoy some of your preferences.

And really enjoy them mindfully.

Like,

Seeing if you can,

You know,

Make the burger last five more minutes.

Maybe you're a fast eater,

Maybe you slow it down just five more minutes for this meal.

And practicing that.

Or you know,

Maybe your preference is shaving your legs.

So you put something in your calendar where once a week I'm going to shave my legs and then afterwards you put lotion on them and you feel them and you experience it.

Giving yourself the beautiful gift of slowing down enough to actually enjoy the preferences.

To actually let them penetrate you and affect you and change you.

Until next time.