Recovering From Guilt & Shame

Guilt is a very prevalent emotion ingrained in many of our cultures,

Personal beliefs,

And worldviews.

There comes a time,

However,

When guilty feelings may begin to hold us back,

Either from relationships,

Jobs,

Or other life experiences.

A guilty conscience may also begin to lead us down paths of lowest self-esteem,

Believing that we aren't worthwhile or that we don't deserve good things.

I'm spending a few moments today to discuss guilt,

When it may be adaptive and when it might be costing us important things in our lives.

So let's begin to examine guilt from an objective and mindful perspective.

Momentary guilt is natural,

Especially if there's something that we did that contributed to a negative outcome.

Oftentimes,

Guilt is a very messy emotion.

It's mixed,

Perhaps,

With sadness,

Frustration,

Anger,

Or other emotions.

What emotions were you feeling at the time?

Were you frustrated or sad?

Were you happy for another reason,

And now you're feeling guilty from that happiness?

Guilt can give us a false sense of power,

Whereas when we're feeling sad,

It might leave us feeling helpless,

And that leaves us with confusion or the question of why.

Why did this happen?

Guilt,

On the other hand,

Comes in,

And by pointing the finger and blaming ourselves,

It gives us a sense of power,

A sense we were responsible for this sad event,

And we can explain that question of why it happened.

Short-lasting guilt can be an adaptive emotion,

In the sense that it reminds us to evaluate our experiences,

Learn from them,

And possibly change our behavior in the future.

Guilt becomes non-adaptive when the individual becomes consumed by guilt and disconnected from learning from the experience.

Instead of examining their actions that led to the outcome,

Learning from them and moving on,

The overly guilty individual attributes the actions to their character.

So instead of thinking,

I made a mistake,

The person might begin to believe I'm a bad person.

Begin to examine the language that you're using with yourself.

Are you defining yourself based on a select number of negative events?

Is that definition you're giving yourself,

Leaving out all those other positive outcomes?

Another instance of when guilt can become harmful is when emotional reasoning is used.

For example,

Someone may think,

I feel guilty,

Therefore I must have done something wrong,

Or I feel responsible,

And therefore I must have been responsible.

Feelings are not facts.

Even if you had a gut feeling before something happened,

Or a guilty feeling afterwards,

That does not assume that you actually were guilty or that you were wrong.

If you knew with certainty what was going to happen when you did what you did,

Would you have still done it?

If the answer is no,

Then that might be some indication that you didn't actually know what was going to happen.

Similarly,

Guilt often comes with the assumption of intent.

In traditional law,

The guilt or innocence of a person relied on two things,

If that person had committed the crime and if they intended to commit the crime.

In our court of law today,

There are crimes that hold individuals liable,

Meaning that they had a part of responsibility.

This is very different from assuming intent.

Examining what part of responsibility did you have?

If a friend was going through a similar circumstance,

Would you blame them entirely for the event,

Or would you help them to understand other factors that led to the outcome?

What other factors contributed to this unfavorable outcome in your life?

Guilt is also often associated with the thought,

I should have done this,

Or if only I did that.

It's easy to sit where we are today,

Having all the information that we have,

And to look back and make the assumption that our past self had that information or could have honestly predicted the outcome.

Guilt is often an indication of what's important to us,

And it may shape our decisions in order to act in a way that's in line with our values and beliefs.

If you have believed that maintaining this guilt is serving a purpose for you,

Whether it be reminding you of someone or something,

Or preventing you from harming others,

Begin to explore if there's another way to live in line with these values.

Can you still help others and not harm them from a place of care,

Rather than being burdened by guilt?

Or can you remember someone with love and honor them,

Rather than feeling guilty?

As we ask ourselves these questions and begin to explore some of the thoughts that we've had about guilt and about ourselves in the past,

Seeing if you can offer yourself a little self-compassion.

Can you offer yourself some kind words as you would to a friend?

Perhaps you did the best that you could at the time,

Or you couldn't have known that this was going to happen.

If you can find some kind words to offer yourself,

Begin practicing them.

Guilt can often become a habit in many people,

And therefore it takes some time,

Some practice,

And many kind words in order to begin to shift their perspective and forgive themselves.

Thank you.