The old world knew something that we have forgotten,
And that is how to mark the great crossings of life.
Rites of passage were the fire that stripped away what was no longer needed,
Leaving something tempered,
Something ready.
But today,
Most of us wander into parenthood,
Especially men wandering into fatherhood without proper initiation.
No elder takes us aside to say you are about to become something new.
The person you were will not be the person who emerges.
And so we stumble forward.
We carry the weight of transformation without a ceremony to guide us and ground us.
But parenthood itself is the rite of passage that the modern world has neglected.
The way I've come to see it is that when a child arrives,
Whether it's through birth or adoption,
Something ancient awakens within us.
A gate swings open.
You are no longer just yourself.
You are now a guide,
A protector,
A presence shaping another soul's journey.
And this shift,
This shift will bring you to the ground,
Bring you down to your knees.
It will unravel certainty.
It will expose wounds long buried,
And it will demand the deepest parts of your heart.
As one of my mentors often tells me,
The most courageous journey we can make in our lives is the 18 inches from our heads to our hearts.
This is the fire of initiation.
To walk through it is to be broken open and remade,
To remember ourselves more whole,
Not just into a perfect person,
But into a person more capable of carrying wisdom and love.
I'm deeply influenced by the work of Dr.
Warren Ferrell and in his work called The Boy Crisis.
He speaks of this crisis of initiation in a way that I think is truly profound.
He sees the absence of fathers and the absence of meaningful rites of passage as a wound on our culture.
And he reminds us that fathers in particular do not just teach resilience to their children.
They must cultivate resilience within themselves.
As he is often quoted as saying,
What father cannot access within himself,
He cannot pass on to his children.
And this path is not about performance.
It's about presence.
There will be sleepless nights.
There will certainly be many moments of doubt.
And there will be times when you will question whether you are enough.
That is the fire testing your metal.
That is the fire asking,
Will you let go of the man who needs to know everything?
Will you allow yourself to be shaped by this experience?
Every great initiation demands that we face our shadows.
This is the not so sexy aspect of a proper initiation.
It demands that we face our shadows,
That we look into the unhealed wounds of our childhood,
The fears that we have hidden behind work,
Distraction,
Or the strategy of overwhelm.
All of it rises when a child is placed in our arms.
We can no longer hide.
And many people,
Myself included,
Falter here.
We grasp for control,
Numbing ourselves to really avoid or try to avoid the discomfort of becoming.
This is a molting process.
But an initiation is never meant to be endured alone.
This is perhaps one of the greatest fallacies in modern culture too,
That we're supposed to do it alone.
In the old world,
Those walking through transformation were surrounded by a village,
Surrounded by elders,
These were adults,
True adults,
Who had walked before them,
Who knew how to hold one,
How to hold a person as he really cracked open and then helped stitch himself back together again.
As I mentioned,
Dr.
Farrell,
He reminds us that just as boys thrive when a father is there to guide them,
Fathers thrive when they have others who have walked the path.
This journey is not meant to be one of isolation,
But of shared wisdom.
To become the man that fatherhood calls forth,
We must seek out those who remind us what we are truly stepping into,
And we must co-create new rites of passage in our present day.
If the modern world has lost its ceremonies,
Then it is truly up to us to create new ones,
To father ourselves.
So here are three ways that we can begin to shape a meaningful rite of passage for future generations.
The first is to cross the threshold by marking it with ceremony.
Truly acknowledge the transition into parenthood with intention.
Gather a circle of men or gather a circle of women,
Share blessings and offer wisdom.
Let the shift be seen and honored so that no one enters into parenthood feeling alone.
Teach by living the example.
A true rite of passage is not a one-time event or an overnight experience.
They are ongoing.
Live in a way that shows your children,
That models this for your children,
What it means to truly meet struggle with courage.
You're learning to walk again just as your kids are.
Model how to hold integrity even in the face of discomfort.
Model how to love with depth,
And that includes loving yourself with depth.
And let your life be a living initiation.
And the third that I'll share here is what I'm calling creating sacred challenges.
This is building a relationship with the more-than-human world.
The way I've come to see it is that growth,
Real growth,
Comes through trial.
So set intentional challenges,
Not just for your children,
But for yourself.
Whether it's time in solitude,
A commitment to presence,
Or stepping into mentorship.
Create moments that allow for your own transformation to occur just as we do with our children.
If you're hearing this right now,
You're being called into something deeper.
Parenthood is not a checklist or a role.
It's a spiritual path.
You're not just raising a child.
You are being raised into the next version of yourself.
This is what I call self-fathering or self-leadership.
Your child is not here just for you to shape them.
They are here to shape you.
Your child is not here just for you to shape.
They are here to shape you.
Their needs will press against your weaknesses.
Their consciousness will demand that your consciousness expands.
Their presence will demand more from you than you honestly thought you can give.
And in this stretching,
And you will be stretched,
Something sacred is being forged.
So honor this passage.
And if you have doubted yourself,
Like I certainly have.
If you have felt unprepared,
Which I certainly have.
If you have wondered whether you are doing it right,
Which I think every parent certainly does,
Welcome to the fire.
This is where the unnecessary burns away,
Where you molt into the next unfurling of your being.
And your truest self,
Your deepest sense of self,
The next evolution of yourself begins to emerge.
So breathe deep.
Know that you are not alone.
You are not failing.
You are becoming.
In the end,
Parenthood is not about getting everything right.
It is about showing up again and again with a heart willing to be shaped.
It's about going through the seasons of life and emerging with a new spring every year.
It is about seeing struggles as sacred,
Exhaustion as part of the journey,
And love as the deep penetrative force that truly carries everything forward.
This is not a burden.
This is your initiation into something vast,
Something eternal.
So step forward with reverence,
Step forward with courage,
And know that you are exactly where you are meant to be.
So breathe deep with me and know that the ceremony has already begun.
