Estranged But Tempted: The Fantasy Of Reconciliations

Welcome to Recovering from Narcissistic Relationships with me Martha Curtis.

For the past 20 years I've been helping individuals in their recovery from narcissistic relationships.

Imagine it's a beautiful day,

You're going on a walk,

You're enjoying yourself,

You have a great day and suddenly you develop this craving for chocolate and you look around and you see the shoe store.

And you go in and you ask for chocolate.

And no matter how many times you ask,

They simply do not have what you are looking for.

They might have some boots.

Those boots might be used to walk all over you.

And worst case scenario,

You might walk out of that shop with a boot print in your face.

And this is often what it's like when you reconnect with an estranged parent hoping for nurturing and love they've never been able to provide.

Today I want to explain to you why estranged children feel tempted to reconnect.

I will also give you the psychological and neurological dynamics behind the longings and I will help you to understand how you can navigate these emotions and how to make healthier choices.

Let's begin with the psychological dynamics of estrangement and temptation.

So why do people feel tempted to reconnect?

It is very,

Very simple and that's attachment and hope.

You are a human being and you are biologically wired to seek love and care from your caregivers.

When you were a child this meant survival.

If we are part of a community,

A safe community,

This means survival.

And even in estrangement,

This longing for a nurturing parent can persist.

In most cases it persists,

It's somewhere,

Sometimes just dormant and sometimes it bubbles up.

Sometimes an adult child may hope that maybe this time it will be different,

That the parent will have changed or that circumstances will bring healing.

All this is perfectly normal.

So if you're blaming or shaming or guilting yourself for sometimes harboring that hope,

Please I want you right now to forgive yourself and accept your own humanity.

We are also subject to cultural and social conditioning.

Society places a high value on family bonds and often estrangement is stigmatized oftentimes you see that during times like Mother's Day and you might have heard phrases such as but you only have one mother.

So sometimes this pressure from others can amplify guilt and doubt.

And of course there's cognitive dissonance.

The mind sometimes struggles to reconcile two completely opposing truths.

One truth is that you want love from your parent and the other is that they are incapable of giving you love and not what you need or what you want and not the love that you desire and frankly the love that you deserve,

That we all deserve,

Right?

And that creates an inner conflict and it fuels this hope for change.

So let's talk about the good old dopamine because it plays a role in this longing.

When we anticipate a reconnection it can activate our brain's reward system.

It activates that dopamine and this reward anticipation creates a temporary sense of excitement and hope.

Let me give you an example.

You might receive a text or a call or an email from your estranged parent and that can trigger this dopamine surge.

It can make you feel optimistic especially if it's been a long time and you might feel that well maybe they have changed,

They had enough time to think about things and that also happens even if past experiences suggest otherwise.

Again you're not alone with this.

A lot of people struggle with this.

It's very common and it's normal.

You are okay.

And also there's good old amygdala,

Right?

It's the brain's center for fear and it generates anxiety about missing out on a potential reconciliation.

Thoughts like what if this time they've changed?

And what if I regret not trying?

What if they pass away before we had another opportunity to talk?

And that keeps the cycle alive.

And of course there's this neuroplasticity and those patterns and we hold these long-standing relational patterns and they become ingrained through repetition.

And this parent-child dynamic even if unhealthy can feel familiar and compelling and it can make it harder to resist.

As a child you will have done the same over and over again.

You will have tried to appease and to please your parent for their nurturing and for their love because it meant survival.

So this is an ingrained pattern in you and in most people and again it's perfectly normal.

But let's have a look at the reality and that is expecting chocolate from a shoe store.

So you go back and you hope and they don't have what you are looking for.

Why does this happen?

Because narcissistic parents often lack the emotional tools,

The awareness or desire to meet their child's needs.

It's all about them.

They live in their own bubble.

And by the way accountability?

Forget about that.

It does not happen.

Reconnecting without addressing past issues can very often reopen wounds and that can lead to disappointment and even further harm.

And even if you address past issues your parent might not address them.

Again they will avoid any accountability and it's what I call the rejection package.

You are picking up your rejection package.

You go over there,

You hope for reconciliation and you just pick up your rejection package.

What's important is to accept that the parent is very unlikely to change.

And yes some parents do change and children reconcile with their parents.

However oftentimes these parents will have done a lot of work.

They will have gone to therapy,

They have learned to take accountability,

They have worked on their own trauma.

Because hey this stuff travels through generations.

But with very narcissistic parents that is highly unlikely.

I'm not saying don't try.

I just want you to be aware of the consequence if you try.

Because if you have tried before and you do the same thing again and you hope for something different,

It is not healthy.

And in psychology we call that magical thinking.

And of course it's not the same.

But what can help is to focus on finding emotional nourishment in other relationships or within yourself.

Actually especially within yourself because this is your primary relationship as cheesy as it sounds.

The relationship you have with yourself is the most important relationship.

Sometimes you might feel more vulnerable,

You might be more vulnerable.

So here are some strategies for managing the temptation to reconnect.

The first one very obvious pause and reflect.

Before acting on an impulse to reconnect take some time and reflect on your motivations and expectations and ask yourself the following questions.

What am I actually hoping to gain?

And has anything changed in the dynamic of their behavior?

Sometimes you don't know because you're estranged.

You don't know what they have been up to.

You don't know whether they have done any work on themselves.

And also ask yourself am I prepared for the possibility of disappointment?

That's really important because when you go there you just want to be open and curious.

If you want to reconnect,

If you want to open yourself up to that,

Make sure that you are really strong in yourself,

Very stable and you have a good support network in case you get disappointed.

And with narcissistic parents that is extremely likely.

And of course the next step you need to take is to recognize and regulate emotional triggers.

And what you can do is to practice mindfulness techniques and they can calm those surges when you're tempted to respond to a parent's contact.

For example practice debriefing or grounding techniques when you feel a wave of guilt or longing.

And again tell yourself what the truth is.

The truth is maybe that you have tried before and you have been disappointed.

Maybe you have tried over and over and you have been disappointed and not just disappointed maybe you have been hurt and the truth is that you felt so much better when you didn't have contact and so on and so on.

So you can use the the truth is technique to ground yourself in the present and in the truth.

You are looking at the facts and when you are triggered in that very moment it can be very difficult.

You start off with some mindfulness with just some deep breathing exercises and you take it from there.

Something else you can do is to challenge this fantasy.

Be careful with that because sometimes retelling stories especially of trauma can be retraumatizing.

But what you can do is you can write down past interactions with your parents and what the outcomes were and you can contrast these with the idealized version of reconciliation that you are imagining.

So again it's just a way of bringing yourself back into reality.

The child in us hopes for that nurturing for that love and the adult needs to look at the facts and then you need to engage your own inner parent and nurture yourself.

And you know family can be also chosen.

You can focus on building a chosen family and that means that you surround yourself with people who can offer the love support and care you're seeking.

You can invest friendships and mentorships as well or communities where those healthy bonds can flourish.

Remember that access to you is a privilege.

Access to your friendship,

To your trust,

To your love,

To your time,

To your energy,

To your friendship is a privilege.

It's very precious and you might not believe this right now.

You might think oh Martha what are you talking about?

But it is precious and only the people who are authentic and caring and have your best interest at heart,

They can enjoy this privilege.

And of course I'm a therapist so I will tell you this.

Work with a therapist to process those unresolved experiences,

The grief,

Anger or that longing if you want and you know there are a lot of therapies out there that can help you to process that.

But maybe you have already worked through those things and if you have had therapy and you were okay and then you feel this longing again,

This desire to reconnect and you know it's going to be toxic but there is this little hope that's also again it's absolutely fun,

It's absolutely normal.

Acceptance is very powerful and it's very healing.

So what does acceptance actually look like?

Well letting go of the hope for change.

It doesn't mean giving up on love.

It means redirecting your love and energy where it can grow.

You can empower yourself.

If you accept that your parents limitations just won't lead to a reconciliation or an understanding what they have done or any accountability,

That acceptance allows you to break free from the cycle of longing and disappointment.

You can focus on creating a life where your emotional needs are met in healthy ways.

And just to be clear,

Sometimes people reconcile with their parents and you know there has been a lot of healing work done and it's possible,

But it is quite rare with narcissistic parents.

And it's also really important that you don't vilify them or stay in victim mode because you have made big steps in your healing journey.

You are a hero.

You are your own hero.

And even though you might have experienced really bad stuff with your parents,

I'm not saying forgive them because there is this sanctimonious stuff going around and says forgive,

Forgive,

Forgive.

And forgiveness looks different for different people.

So I'm not talking about forgiveness.

You don't have to forgive.

This is important.

Just because somebody preaches forgiveness doesn't mean you have to forgive people.

You don't have to forgive anyone if you don't want to.

Full stop.

What can be helpful is see your parents as people who have missed their potential.

Maybe they have been born with a brain that they have.

That happens of course as well.

But really they might have just held onto subconsciously this intergenerational trauma that might have been passed on.

They have made the wrong choices in their life.

They were just limited in working on themselves and reflecting on themselves.

They might not have been capable or courageous enough to look at themselves.

Maybe there is just too much shame,

Self-hatred or also the opposite.

And just look at them as people who have not reached their potential.

And it's actually quite sad.

And maybe you can get a of compassion for them.

And that means that you can let them go with love.

And letting your parents go,

Maybe not even with love,

But they are your parents,

Right?

But with compassion,

That is freeing in itself.

That you know that,

Yeah,

This is just another human being.

And they have not made the choices that would have allowed them to have healthier relationships.

And you accept that.

And this acceptance is incredibly freeing.

When you let go of vilifying them and you just realize,

Okay,

They have missed potential.

They could have had a better life.

Of course I don't know your individual circumstances.

So don't think that this has to apply to you.

Because sometimes it's very different.

But if you can adapt that viewpoint,

It will be really helpful to you.

And of course I would love to hear from you.

What decisions have you made?

And how do you perceive or think about your parents now?

As always,

I love to hear from you.

Feel free to email me.

You can send me questions.

I love to answer them and talk about them in my podcast.

So again,

Let me summarize.

Your temptation to reconnect stems from a very deep psychological and neurological root or roots.

It's ingrained in you biologically.

So forgive yourself for that.

You have the power to break free from the cycle of hope and hurt.

To find the love and care you deserve,

Not by looking back,

But by moving forward.

I see you next time.

Bye-bye.