How To Protect Yourself When Strangers Get Too Personal

Today's talk comes straight from real life.

Because today I was out walking Benjamin,

My little Yorkshire Terrier,

And we were simply enjoying a peaceful afternoon,

Sun was shining,

Always lovely,

When a woman approached us.

And at first it all seemed quite casual and she asked what his name was,

But literally within moments,

Like nanoseconds,

She started questioning me.

And the questions came like gunfire.

What's your name?

Do you live nearby?

Or where do you live?

Where exactly?

And so on.

And even though the words themselves were polite,

Something underneath felt really cold.

It was mechanical.

And it also felt quite calculating.

That's why I straight away noticed it wasn't social awkwardness,

There was something else.

And it felt really uncomfortable and even felt like I was being assessed for prey.

And I'm not a paranoid person.

And if you have had these kind of encounters,

You know.

You know,

Right?

You know what I'm talking about.

Because this wasn't a conversation.

It was information gathering.

And I could really feel inside me that something was tightening.

And today I want to talk to you about exactly those moments.

My name is Martha Curtis.

I'm a psychotherapist and coach.

And I help individuals recover from abusive and narcissistic relationships.

So when something feels off,

Before you can explain why,

When a stranger oversteps,

And not physically maybe,

But emotionally,

Energetically,

And you are left frozen between being polite and protecting yourself,

I want to help you understand why this happens.

I want to give you some real tools to protect your boundaries.

And most of all,

I want to tell you this.

That you are allowed to trust your gut.

You are allowed to choose yourself.

And you are allowed to walk away.

We humans,

We are designed to read energy.

Long before we learn to speak.

But sometimes energy does not match words.

There's a whole field called proxemics that studies how we instinctively regulate space.

And when someone invades that space too fast,

By physically stepping too close,

By emotionally stepping too deep,

Our bodies know.

You might feel it as a certain tightness in your chest,

For example.

Or maybe it's like a heaviness in your stomach.

Or even a feeling like you want to pull away,

But you freeze instead.

And that freezing,

That's not weakness.

It's a biological defense.

A survival response.

And if you have experienced trauma,

Especially with boundary violations in childhood,

You may have learned that it's safer to be nice than to say no.

You may have developed what psychologists call the fawn response.

And that's making yourself agreeable to stay safe.

So when someone now asks you,

Where do you live?

Seconds into knowing you,

Part of you may automatically,

Straight away answer.

Even while another part of you screams inside.

It feels really uncomfortable.

So let me say this very clearly.

On a cognitive level,

You might know that.

But it has to be inside you,

Internalized deeply.

You do not owe anyone your story.

You do not owe anyone your location,

Your relationship status,

Your profession,

And most of all,

Your trust.

And just because someone smiles while asking,

It doesn't make their questions innocent.

And in fact,

Sometimes the most disarming words are used by the most boundaryless people.

And it doesn't matter if they're dangerous or just socially clumsy.

If your body says no,

That is enough.

But why does that feel so,

So uncomfortable?

When someone bombards you with personal questions,

They are trying,

Whether intentionally or not,

To collapse the normal healthy space that should exist between two strangers.

It's like an emotional invasion.

And because it's subtle,

Because it's wrapped in smiles or chatter,

It can make you self-doubt.

You might think,

Maybe I'm overreacting,

Am I being paranoid?

No,

You're not.

Your nervous system is responding to reality.

Interoception research shows that our bodies detect threat long before our logical brain can piece it together.

Trust that signal and honor it.

And you don't have to wait for proof.

Your discomfort is your proof.

And I want to give you now some real-life strategies of what you can do.

Some practical tools.

When this happens,

When you feel that rising discomfort,

You have options.

And one of them is that you keep your answers fake.

Just like saying,

I'm just out for a walk with my dog.

You can also say that you prefer not to share personal stuff.

But I get it,

It can feel really uncomfortable.

And you might be scared that you seem rude to the other person.

Because then you go into that space where you think,

Am I being paranoid?

Am I overthinking things?

What might they think of me then?

Blah,

Blah,

Blah.

So ideally,

You know,

Keep it really vague and maybe shift the conversation.

Something like,

Oh,

It's such a beautiful day,

Isn't it?

And then you just walk away.

And they might just think that you've been in thought and didn't really hear that question.

You can do that.

You can also use nonverbal cues.

Now with nonverbal cues,

However,

If somebody is a boundary,

Not just boundary crosser,

But boundary invader,

They either don't notice those nonverbal cues,

Or if it is somebody a little sinister,

They might actually enjoy seeing your nonverbal cues.

Because they see,

They can make you feel uncomfortable.

So don't,

You know,

Think that nonverbal cues alone might be enough.

But you can step slightly back.

You can also start checking your phone.

And you can also start to angle your body towards an exit,

Or at least away from them.

But not too much,

Because you still want to see what they are doing.

You still want to have them in your vision,

Just in case.

You can also exit without explanation.

You can say,

Oh,

Got to go and have a great day,

Bye,

And you start walking.

I want you to know that you do not owe anyone a continuation of a conversation that feels wrong.

Leaving is not rudeness.

In those situations,

It is actually wisdom.

Now,

There's a question here in you,

I'm sure,

If you are as rebellious as I sometimes can be.

You might be wondering,

Should I ask some questions back?

All right,

So you can ask,

Where do you live?

Or even ask,

Why are you asking?

And sometimes flipping the script,

It can disrupt that dynamic.

It shows that you're not passive,

And it can also send a clear message that you see what they are doing.

But that's not always necessary,

And it's not something you owe them either,

And it can also feel a bit gamey,

And then you can end up in a really uncomfortable,

Even more uncomfortable dynamic.

And you're wasting your time,

Most likely.

So,

Would I ask questions back,

Just to teach them a lesson,

Or a rebellious part might want to?

But then,

I think it's better to just honor your time and your space,

And remove yourself from a conversation like this.

But if you feel strong enough to play for a challenge,

I really need you to know that you never have to engage further if you don't want to.

Because sometimes,

And I've said that before in previous talks,

That silence is the loudest,

Clearest boundary of all.

Let me give you some mantras to strengthen your inner guard.

I want you to carry those with you.

It's going to be a quiet armor for your soul.

And the first one is,

I do not owe anyone my story.

And this is especially for those of you who crave a connection,

Especially a deep one.

Sometimes when a stranger comes and they ask all these invasive questions,

There might be maybe a little hope in you that,

Oh,

Maybe there is something,

Maybe this is some miraculous connection that's developing here.

No,

It's not.

You don't owe anyone your story.

The next mantra is,

Your body's discomfort is reason enough.

And a little note on reading your body.

Some of you might be disconnected from your body.

It's normal,

It happens,

Especially with trauma.

So you need to reconnect with it in a very safe way.

Don't push yourself too hard,

Especially if your trauma is related to your body.

But you have to make friends with it,

Because it is trying to protect you.

And we tend to overthink,

We might have an intuition,

Some kind of sensation,

And then the first thing that happens is we gaslight ourselves by saying things like,

Oh,

I'm just being paranoid right now.

Just trust your body.

Even if you don't know why,

Just trust it.

So again,

Your body's discomfort is reason enough.

Another mantra for you.

I can walk away without guilt.

That's right.

You can walk away without guilt.

I'm not talking about you walking away from somebody who is lying on the street because they just broke their leg and they need urgent help.

Okay,

I am talking here about walking away from somebody who is clearly invading your emotional,

Potentially your physical,

Your psychic space.

So you can walk away from that without guilt.

If you walk away from someone who has broken their leg and is lying on the street,

Feel all the guilt in the world.

Okay,

Jokes aside,

I want to give you now the mother of all mantras.

And this is a mantra that a former supervisor of mine has given to me.

And now I'm passing this on.

So the mother of all mantras is,

I do not have to accommodate this person.

Please write it down,

Carry it with you.

I do not have to accommodate this person.

Write it on a piece of paper,

Just like my supervisor asked me to do.

Write on a piece of paper,

Carry it with you.

I do not have to accommodate this person.

You might choose to,

And that's fine,

But then it is a conscious decision.

So,

Whisper those mantras to yourself when you're on your walks and allow them to become part of you.

Say them out loud,

Journal them,

Because your protection,

It starts inside long before it's ever needed out loud.

Okay,

Now I would like to ask you some questions.

Take a breath,

Ah,

Take a moment.

And now ask yourself,

When was a time you ignored your gut feeling to be polite?

When was a time you ignored your gut feeling to be polite?

What does your body feel like when a boundary is being crossed?

What does your body feel like when a boundary is crossed?

What story do you still believe about being rude or ungrateful?

What story do you still believe about being rude or ungrateful?

And my final question for you is,

How would it feel to prioritize your own safety without needing to explain?

How would it feel like to prioritize your safety without needing to explain?

And you might want to journal these questions.

You can write about them,

It gives them more weight.

And you might also want to discuss them maybe with a friend or a family member,

Somebody you feel very,

Very safe with.

You are not cold for setting boundaries.

And you are not unkind for walking away.

You are protecting something sacred,

And that is your peace,

Your space,

And your self-trust.

Benjamin,

My little dog,

He doesn't stop to explain when he pulls away from someone who feels wrong.

He just moves.

And you are allowed to move too,

Without guilt,

Without apology.

Just trust yourself,

Because,

And this is the truth,

You are wiser than you think.

And if this talk spoke to your heart,

If you've ever frozen in politeness when everything inside of you wanted to step away,

I would love for you to share this talk with someone who needs permission to trust themselves too.

Maybe share what you have learned in this talk with others.

Because by sharing what we are learning,

We are unintentionally even build a world where self-trust is honored,

And it's not doubted.

We just need to sometimes talk to someone else about those experiences,

Because often people forget to talk about it,

Or they feel uncomfortable talking about it.

But if you know someone who you trust and you have these kind of conversations,

Just go ahead.

Your peace matters more than politeness,

And protecting your space is an act of love,

Not shame.

Until next time.