It's natural to want love.
It can even be said that many of the most deplorable acts throughout history were carried out as a bid for approval.
As infants,
Approval from our parents is a matter of survival.
It's easy to suppose that a lack of interpersonal love leads to sadness.
And yet somehow,
Millions of monastics,
Upholding vows of celibacy,
Divorced from their families,
Claim to have realized true happiness.
How can this be so?
The answer lies in the simple truth that the so-called outside world,
Including the people that inhabit it,
Has no direct power over our feelings whatsoever.
The outside world and these other people are stimuli.
We always have the freedom to choose how we respond to them.
This may not seem to be the case.
Indeed,
We're heavily conditioned to believe the exact opposite,
That it is precisely the outside world that determines how we feel.
But if this were so,
Then a given circumstance would make all who encounter it feel exactly the same.
We know this isn't true by the simple fact that we each enjoy different flavors of ice cream.
What differentiates the determinist from the dedicated practitioner of mindfulness is that the latter has realized that they are entirely responsible for their own feelings,
Including feelings of love.
So what exactly is happening when we experience love?
Well,
Just like any other emotional experience,
Love could be said to be a particular firing of neurons and subsequent release of hormones.
It's no secret that this happens inside one's own organism.
To this we might say,
But it's not me who chooses to get butterflies in my stomach when I kiss my partner.
And this depends upon what we mean when we say me.
If by the word me,
We mean my rational thinking mind,
Then no,
We're not choosing to get butterflies.
But if we use the word me to describe a broader vision of ourselves,
Including the me who likes chocolate ice cream over vanilla for some reason,
Then these butterflies are entirely our own creation.
The big question is whether or not mindfulness practice has the power to bring greater flexibility to this broader me.
It does.
Before practicing mindfulness,
We might find ourselves rather upset if the restaurant doesn't have chocolate ice cream.
In childhood,
This might lead to a tantrum.
In adulthood,
It might lead to a repressed tantrum.
With mindfulness established,
We may still have our preference.
But if we're served vanilla,
Then we simply enjoy vanilla,
And chocolate is no longer on our minds.
But what does this have to do with love?
Well,
Chocolate ice cream is a stimulus,
And a suitable romantic partner is a stimulus.
Forgive me if this sounds a little cold.
Just bear with me.
When we encounter an opportunity to get chocolate ice cream,
Craving may arise due to our ideas about how we'll feel better when we get it.
Same deal with that suitable romantic partner.
Granted,
A romantic partner potentially has far more benefits than a serving of ice cream,
But in terms of the mechanics of the mind,
The craving is the same.
That is,
Wanting something we don't have.
Mindfulness practice enables us to work with that craving directly,
To see it for what it is,
And apply wisdom to the mental fabrications that arise around it.
This is not easy mode.
The desire for love is billions of years old.
The fact that we're even able to take an objective look at it is marvelous.
The fact that we're able to free ourselves of this desire with enough practice is incredible.
This is not to say that love is to be avoided,
But what a gift it is to a partner.
To be able to say to them,
I don't need you to make me feel okay.
Paradoxically,
Freeing ourselves from our longing for love makes it easier for others to love us.
So,
Let's practice mindfulness to watch this longing as it arises.
Let's accept it fully,
Then let it go.
Let's accept ourselves fully,
Then let ourselves go,
And let's be satisfied with this moment,
Just as it is.
