Hello everyone,
My name is Noah El-Kreef and today I want to talk about the pursuit of superiority.
So,
Many of us have pursued happiness through trying to be superior.
We may do this consciously or unconsciously.
Consciously it takes the form of always trying to win,
Be the best,
Dominate,
Have the most money,
Have the best job,
Get promoted faster than others,
Make sure we know better than the other people in the meetings,
And things like this.
But unconsciously it can show up as judging others to be worse than us,
Putting a lot of pressure on ourselves to be perfect,
To keep improving,
To just win at all costs,
Win faster,
Get everything right,
And things along these lines.
And it's not very fun,
It's not a very enjoyable way to live life.
If you have been on the path of superiority,
You know there are some beautiful benefits to it,
Which is why many of us don't pursue letting go of it.
Because when we win,
When we know better than others,
When we get the promotion faster,
When we make more money,
When we progress spiritually and seem to know more than others,
Or are wiser than others,
Or are happier than others,
It can give this high,
It can give this feeling of,
Yay,
I did it,
I'm the best,
I'm better,
It just gives this sort of feeling of a high or a relief or a comfort in some sense.
But there is a big,
Big price that we pay for this temporary feeling.
The price is constant effort of trying to prove yourself,
Of trying to win,
Which is a tenseness.
When we're trying to get the outcome so we can feel good,
It has this tension to it,
This proving energy,
This trying so hard.
It tends to have controlling in it,
Like this fear that the outcome doesn't work out,
Then I won't be happy.
So we can live in fear of it not working out,
Which causes us to go really into intense controlling.
It can cause us to judge others to be worse than us,
Control others,
And it causes a lot of disconnection from other people.
Because if we're always trying to be better than others,
Then we're not really seeing others as they are,
We're not really meeting others,
At least the ones we're competing with,
They're just like pawns to try to help us to feel better.
We just can't relax,
You know,
If you're always trying to be superior,
It's difficult to relax.
So I'd love to offer you a way out if you want it.
So the question is why do you want to be superior?
Why is everything a competition for you?
Why is everything a competition for you?
Why are you comparing yourself to others?
Why are you competing with others?
Why are you always trying to be better and win and do it fastest and know the most and be the wisest?
Why?
For many of us,
Most of us,
It comes from a program that was taught to us in our childhood,
Which is our parents gave us more love,
Or only gave us love when we won,
When we did better than others.
If we're in a group of people,
Let's say a class,
And we can color inside of the lines before our peers,
We get love.
If we do it after our peers,
If we learn how to color inside the lines after our peers and our friends and classmates do it before us,
We get maybe frustration from our parents,
Fear,
Concern,
Disappointment,
And it goes on and on.
If we get a better grade than our classmates,
We get love,
Affection,
Hugs,
Rewards.
And if we get worse grades,
We get disappointment,
Rejection,
Disapproval,
Punishment,
Concern,
Fear,
Whatever.
Same goes in sports.
If you win,
The dad is so proud of you,
And if you lose,
Maybe you get ridicule,
Maybe you get rejection,
Maybe you get disappointment,
Maybe you get disconnection.
And these things can be very obvious and they can be very,
Very subtle from parents who seem to be really,
Really wonderful parents.
It's very,
Very difficult for our parents to give us unconditional love,
For them to open to us and love us the same,
Whether we win or lose,
Whether we're better than our peers at a particular skill or activity or worse than our peers.
It activates their own pain,
Their own suffering.
So if over and over and over again,
Thousands of times in our childhood,
When we win,
When we do better,
When we prove that we have high skill,
We get more love,
More affection,
More openness from our parents or from our teachers or whoever were the influential adults in our life,
And then also from peers,
More love when you win,
More affection from the opposite sex or whoever you're interested in.
When you win,
When you do good,
Then of course,
And then of course on the other side,
When we get more closeness,
More harshness,
More fear,
More uncomfortable treatment from others,
When we lose,
When we do worse than others,
Then this programs us unconsciously that the way to be happy is to win,
Is to do better than others,
Is to be superior.
Or put differently,
The way to get love from others is to be superior.
So if I do better than others,
I deserve love.
And if I do worse than others,
I don't deserve love.
If I'm just normal,
If I'm just ordinary,
Just like everyone else,
Then I don't deserve love.
You see,
What happens as children is we make assumptions.
We make unconscious assumptions that run our life.
So if I win the baseball game and my father gives me love,
Then I unconsciously assume,
Form a conclusion of,
Winning makes me deserve love.
If he gives me love when I win,
It means winning has made me deserving of love.
Now if I lose,
And my father is harsh towards me,
Disappointed or critiquing my performance,
Then I unconsciously may assume or conclude that if I don't win,
If I perform poorly,
I don't deserve love.
And then this can run my life.
If I'm at work and I'm not performing well,
If I'm performing poorly,
I unconsciously then conclude I don't deserve love.
And if I don't deserve others' love,
Then I don't deserve my own love,
Which is also like an extra connection that happens inside of us because we treat ourselves how we believe we deserve to be treated from others.
So if I'm performing,
If I'm at work and I perform worse than my peers,
Then I will unconsciously assume,
I may unconsciously assume,
That I don't deserve love.
I don't deserve for people to love me.
I'm performing so poorly,
Obviously I don't deserve their love.
Now if I believe I don't deserve their love,
Then this shift happens or this connection happens inside ourselves that I believe I don't deserve my own love.
So then I don't treat myself that lovingly,
And that is even worse,
And then of course I'm not happy,
Of course I'm not relaxed,
And that motivates me and it's like I have to work harder,
I have to try harder,
So I can win,
So I can be superior,
So that I can be deserving of others' love and my own love.
Now that's miserable existence,
That's a very very unenjoyable way to live life,
But it's how a very very large portion of people live their life,
Particularly in the Western world,
Particularly in the business world,
In the competitive worlds.
Now,
Do you want to keep living that way?
It's not very nice.
So,
The reason that we're trying to be superior is because we unconsciously believe if I'm superior,
Then I deserve love,
And we all want love.
But even deeper than that,
Even more real,
Even more fundamental is when I get love,
So as children we are dependent on our parents,
If they love us we feel safe,
If they don't love us,
If they're disconnected,
If they're harsh,
If they're upset,
If they're cold towards us,
We not only assume I don't deserve love and feel unworthy,
Feel inadequate,
But also we feel unsafe.
I need my parents to take care of me for me to feel safe,
I need their shelter,
Their food,
Their warmth,
Their protection,
So if they're not loving me,
I feel unsafe.
So therefore,
As adults,
If I feel inferior,
I'm not performing well,
I'm not doing good on this task,
On this project,
On this work,
At this job,
At this sport,
If I'm not performing well,
I believe I don't deserve love,
Which means I feel unsafe.
And then that unsafety is like,
I have to do it,
I have to do it.
So how we undo this,
First is to become aware of it,
Shit I'm trying to feel superior,
I'm living my life like that,
Second is to become aware,
I don't want to do it,
It causes a lot of pain,
And then third is to start the process to recognize you deserve love as you are.
You deserve love as you are,
Whether you perform well or poorly,
Whether you're better than others,
Worse than others,
Or just smack dab in the middle.
You deserve love.
You deserve safety,
You deserve to be treated kindly,
Gently,
You deserve open-hearted treatment.
You don't deserve disconnection,
Disrespect,
Harshness,
Coldness,
No matter how poorly you perform.
So I want you to close your eyes and I'll guide you through a little exercise to help start that process within you.
Now,
I want you to think of a task or a task like something in your life that you're trying to be superior in,
Whether you're trying to be superior in spirituality,
Be the wisest,
Most enlightened one,
Whether you're trying to do it in sports,
School,
Or your work.
Connect to some feeling inside,
I'm going to be the best,
I need to prove myself,
I need to be better than others.
This feeling that I'm better than others or even this feeling that I'm worse than others.
And once you get to that feeling,
Once you access it,
Once it feels real,
I want you to imagine your younger self in front of you feeling that feeling.
Any age,
High school,
Middle school,
Child,
Early 20s,
Whatever.
And I want you to look at this younger you in front of you and they're sort of saying out loud,
I have to be better,
I have to be superior,
I have to keep winning.
And I want you to see if you can access some compassion for them,
That they really,
Really believe I have to be the best,
I have to perform well,
To be lovable,
To be worthy,
To be good enough.
See if you can access your compassion for their struggle,
For their misunderstanding,
That their worth,
Their,
Their,
Yeah,
Their worth as a human being,
Their worth of love,
Like how much they deserve love depends on how skilled they are at a particular activity.
So I want you to access compassion for them,
See their struggle,
See their pain,
See this,
See the difficulty and pain that it causes to have this misunderstanding and this belief.
And I want you to clear up the confusion in them and tell them,
Hey,
I see you.
I see that you're believing that your worth is based on how well you perform.
Where did that come from?
Who taught you that?
Who gave you love dependent on how well you performed?
Because that's not really very kind.
I'm sorry that they treated you that way.
I'm sorry that you innocently and unconsciously concluded that if they treat you badly,
It means you deserve to be treated badly.
That means you're not good enough to deserve love.
Whoever treated you with love when you win and without love when you lose didn't know any better.
They're confused,
They were in pain,
Because you deserve love,
Whether you win or lose,
Whether you're better than others or worse,
Whether you're happier or more sad,
Whether you're wiser or less wise,
You deserve the same amount of love.
It's time to let go of this belief that your worth and your deserving of love is dependent on and based on your performance.
Give that belief back to your parents.
Give that energy back to them.
How much love you deserve depends on how well you perform.
That belief is not native to you,
It doesn't belong to you.
You didn't have it as a child until your parents programmed it into you over and over and over again.
Whether you're better or worse at basketball,
Whether you're better than everyone else at soccer or worse than everyone else,
Whether you're the best at math or the worst at math,
The best at writing,
The worst at writing,
None of it means anything about you or how much love you deserve.
These are all just random skills,
Random abilities,
And none of them make you more or less deserving of love.
You don't have to be superior or special.
What if you were just ordinary?
What if you were just you?
What if you were just Adam or Alex or Ben or Sarah or Samantha or whatever your name is?
What if you were just you?
You are enough as you are.
You deserve love as you are.
Now,
We are an adult.
I am an adult now.
We grew up.
We no longer need mommy or daddy's love to be safe.
We are safe without them now.
I'm an adult.
This is how old I am.
I'm 34.
This is how tall I am.
This is how much I weigh.
I'm a man.
I'm a woman.
I'm an adult.
We no longer need mommy or daddy's love to be safe.
We're allowed to just be ourselves.
We don't have to win and be the best at everything.
We still can give our all,
Give our best effort towards everything,
But our happiness,
Our safety,
And our self-worth isn't on the line.
You don't need to treat yourself like crap to motivate you to get things done.
You don't need to put your happiness and self-worth on the line to perform well.
Just enjoy your life.
It's okay to enjoy yourself.
It's okay to relax.
And when you enjoy your work,
When you enjoy your tasks,
When you enjoy what you do,
You can get into the flow.
It's easier to spend time on it.
It's easier to give your all to it rather than pushing and forcing and efforting.
It just feels relaxing and nice.
So when you're ready,
You can spend some time with that and you can pause this video if you want and when you're ready,
You can open your eyes and come back here.
You are a man,
You are a woman,
And you are safe and you are worthy of love,
No matter how well you perform.
To believe that you are superior to others just puts pressure on you to maintain it,
To keep proving it,
Because no matter how many times you win,
No matter how many times you prove you're the best and you're the smartest,
The next interaction,
The next project,
The next game,
The next competition,
You have to prove it all over again.
It's not relaxing.
It's not enjoyable.
It's a mirage.
You get a happy moment and then you spend the rest of your life lacking,
Anxious,
Scared,
Proving,
Efforting,
Angry at others,
Frustrated when it's not going your way.
All for what?
Another happy moment.
And we just live this on repeat.
And in how we relate to others,
We just keep judging others to be worse than us,
Not know what they're doing,
To be victims,
They need my help,
They're not good enough,
Whatever.
And that's not relaxing because you always have to prove you're better.
It's much more relaxing to just be humble.
I make mistakes.
Sometimes I don't know what I'm doing.
I feel all the emotions you do sometimes.
I'm,
Yeah,
I'm human.
So this is an invitation for humility,
An invitation away from arrogance and superiority.
Not because arrogance and superiority are wrong and humility is better,
But more it's just much more enjoyable,
Much more relaxing,
Much more fun.
It creates space for you to live your life and make choices based on your own authentic desire,
Instead of all just coming from how can I prove that I'm great,
Maintain that I'm great,
So that I can deserve love and feel safe.
So,
Yeah,
I hope this is helpful.
Please let me know in the comments area what this did for you and if you found it helpful,
I welcome you to subscribe and share it with others.
Have a beautiful day.
Bye.
