Awareness Satsang: Follow The Blue Moments

I really want to speak to you guys about,

It's really,

Really important is key to your journeys,

Okay?

So,

One of the big detours,

Like a mistake that you guys do,

Is you like,

Think about surrender,

Or try to surrender.

Why am I not surrendering?

I need to surrender.

It's like,

If you're thinking about surrender,

You're totally stuck in your ego,

Okay?

You better not to keep it in mind at all.

Really,

Just drop it.

Yeah,

Just drop it.

Okay,

What you need to do,

If you want to go zero to 100 on the journey,

Is this.

And it's called,

First of all,

I'm going to explain to you what a blue moment is.

A blue moment happens when suddenly you feel some kind of expansion or some kind of depth.

You're just walking along,

Maybe you look at a flower and you suddenly see how beautiful this flower is.

Or you're in a satsang,

And you suddenly have an experience of kind of a deeper felt comprehension.

It's like a richness in life.

It actually helps you embody your soul more.

Or,

You know,

With a lover.

You know,

When you see a lover and your moment expands,

That's a blue moment.

So,

I want you to think about blue moments that you've had in your life.

Just kind of a depth,

An expansion,

A pause.

Yeah,

It can be a little bit where time stops.

Okay,

So follow the blue moments.

Fan the flames of those experiences.

Pay attention to what created it.

You know,

Was it going into nature?

What was it?

Or maybe it just came because you've been meditating and you finally got a deep moment.

But fan the flames.

It's like a blue moment,

A moment of expansion and embodiment.

Follow that.

Yeah.

This surrender crap that you're going around in your head,

Don't even indulge.

You know,

At the beginning of my journey where I was doing that a lot,

I had a dream from the gods showing me a child's slide.

And it was like saying,

This is how deep your surrender is.

This is how deep your journey is.

Big,

Like a child's slide,

Like eight feet.

Useless.

Useless.

Yeah.

Focus on becoming more loving to yourself and others.

Have that as your focus.

Don't even think about surrender.

If you focus on being more loving with yourself and others,

You will move into surrender.

Yeah.

Yeah,

Please.

Follow the blue moments.

Now,

This will,

I'm sure,

With my understanding of male and female,

Will be easier for women in a way.

But men,

You can just think about what I'm saying and how it weaves in.

Yeah,

Because it will weave in.

And you will get more of these deeper moments,

More like women get.

You can access this.

And they bring in,

They will result in a depth and comprehension.

Okay,

So I'm gonna give you some examples here of ways that we avoid our depth and comprehension.

We avoid our depth and avoid growth.

So,

For example,

I know somebody who experienced a lot of road rage internally.

He didn't act it out particularly.

He didn't get out of the car and punch anybody.

But he would like shout and scream it.

So,

His solution to his road rage or solution to this rage that surfaced in him,

He hadn't met it before.

Okay,

He hadn't realized that he was carrying it,

But indeed it was exactly the rage that makes him feel so separate from life and God and people.

He feels a very strong separation.

And he'd never accessed it.

So,

It would arise with road rage.

Okay,

So his solution was to stop driving.

So,

The one way that the universe had brought him his issue to help him work on it,

He closed the door.

You know,

Because he was running,

I'm a bad boy for feeling rage.

So,

I'm gonna be a,

How do I be a good boy?

Well,

I just will stop driving.

Really,

That's the heart of it.

So,

He actually has never dealt with his rage.

Okay,

So the same principle applies with SEVA.

We can say,

Okay,

I get too obsessive compulsive with SEVA.

I get too,

Like,

I always burn out.

And so,

We don't do it.

But then how do we,

Maybe the universe is giving us this,

Whole issue around our SEVA for us to work on it,

For it to surface so we can work on it and learn how to become less obsessive compulsive or less likely to burn ourselves out,

You see?

So,

This is,

You guys,

Basically,

We have a problem when we go on the journey because we go for control.

So,

You know,

Instead of noticing the weave of the blue moments and working with it,

We go,

Oh,

I'm always,

I wanna focus on surrender and do it and be a good student.

Or we,

Well,

I'm not gonna do SEVA because I get so obsessive compulsive.

So,

We're,

That won't work.

You have to work with the weave of your life.

Work with the weave.

Work with the present moment with what's happening and learn how to love,

How to love life,

How to love yourself,

How to embrace yourself.

Yeah.

Now,

This is a quantum leap.

This will be a quantum leap for many of you,

But I don't see how you're gonna make any movement unless you do this.

Like,

Try to do it.

Even just trying to do it.

When you go around and you're sort of obsessively focusing on surrender,

What this does is take you out of the moment.

It's like your ego grabbing you with mind chatter.

And,

You know,

Eventually,

If you do this,

Have a focus on surrender,

Eventually,

It will steer your psyche towards surrendering.

It's not bad.

It's just that I'm trying to give you the treasures of the spiritual journey in,

Like,

A way that jumps.

It goes A to Z,

Rather than having to go through A to B to C to D.

I mean,

I'm giving you this distilled wisdom.

Right.

Which,

At this time of extremis,

You can just get.

You can just weave it in.

I mean,

If you get the blue moment thing.

.

.

You know,

Because what people do,

Like,

Sometimes they,

You know,

They'll send me a question and they'll put.

.

.

.

.

They'll put their concern in non-dual language.

.

.

.

.

Because they're trying to.

.

.

.

.

They're trying to squish their experience into kind of a head-based thing,

Rather than.

.

.

.

.

Being fully human,

Loving the child within,

Being real,

Just being real,

You guys.

I mean,

You know,

The thing is,

You know,

The.

.

.

.

.

We could never do anything other than be real,

I'll tell you,

For some reason.

You know,

I would start jumping out of my skin if I tried to.

.

.

You know,

Like,

If I was facing a teacher and trying to put my experience into a non-dual language to be acceptable,

Internally,

I would start squirming,

And this would show to people.

You see,

People could.

.

.

It was so visible with me,

If I tried to do any kind of these inner manipulation things,

That the fact that I was being a fraud was obvious to me and to them.

See,

So I just didn't do it.

I couldn't do it.

So be like that.

See,

You just can't be a fraud.

You just can't do it,

That you're so real with yourself.

You just come forward and be yourself.

Yeah.

Just come forward,

Be yourself.

Seek to love yourself,

Seek to embrace yourself.

.

.

.

.

In all of life.

In all of life.

And,

You know,

When you see all the ways that you're not doing this,

You know,

Give yourself a deeper embrace.

Feel,

You know,

How flawed you feel,

How confused you are,

And embrace yourself.

Embrace it,

Embrace it,

Embrace it.

Right.

I feel you're going to be able to do this.

And,

You know,

This is the safety of the satsang.

I mean,

And this is a particularly very human spiritual teacher,

You know.

I mean,

I'm in the nth degree of,

Like,

Understanding human frailties,

How deluded we can get.

Mmm.

Yeah.

Follow the blue moment,

And maybe you're having a blue moment right now.

Mmm.

This is it.

This is how our deeper aspects get embodied.

If you're going around focusing on surrender a lot,

What you're doing is walling off your heart,

Which wants to give you some insights.

But to get the insights,

Your mind has to be quieter.

You have to be a little bit like a cow,

You know.

I mean,

Really,

Sacred animal in India.

And I remember Abraham used to say,

Just be like a cow grazing in the pasture.

Just be kind of,

Like,

Vacant like that.

Just be like a kid.

And the truth will percolate up.

The thing that's caught many of you is the,

You know,

With the mum,

We come out of our mum's bodies,

And she's our bonding point.

So lots of times it's kind of almost a phony attachment in that our mums are not often capable of deeply loving.

So,

But we hold on to this attachment,

And it isn't really love,

But we hold on to it with a death grip.

And when we move to allow love in,

The fear of the child who didn't feel fully loved comes up,

And we feel it,

And it's unsettling.

And our ego says,

Don't let go,

Because there's just a terrible dark void of no hope if you let go.

And,

Of course,

It's the opposite.

But this is actually what takes the years on the journey,

You guys.

This is what takes time is learning to let go of that early primal bonding and bond to unconditional love.

And you do it through these blue moments.

There's one way to do it,

Of just deeper information,

Deeper comprehension.

And you guys really keep your hearts pure in the fact of this journey.

The reason this one,

Despite all the crap,

Made progress,

I was really,

Really sincere,

Really sincere.

And even though I was corrupt more at the beginning,

Just through fear and ego and everything,

I was,

I mean,

Basically life showed me this,

And the Creator showed me,

Amma showed me that,

You know,

This isn't the way to make progress on the journey.

But the way to make progress on the journey is to become very,

Very pure of heart.

Yeah.

Right.

So if you're not,

Just put your arms around yourself,

You know.

Don't take a razor's blade to yourself.

Just notice.

All you have to do is just notice.

If you just notice ways that there's corruption,

They will melt away over time,

Truly.

It just gradually melts,

Just with keeping on the journey.

All that is not the Creator melts away,

Basically.

That's how it works.

And my hope for you is that more than any corruption that you see,

You see your beauty,

Okay,

You guys?

Because that's,

Please,

I can feel your,

There's a level of distress in you guys over this,

The corruption,

And,

You know,

You're going into the ego with it.

Our blind spots come from many lifetimes.

They have a right to be there because there were many lifetimes in their creation.

So they do not go overnight.

They do not disappear overnight.

Yeah,

It's funny.

I'm feeling the arousal,

Like you're sort of like,

Oh,

I'm not allowed to be here because I'm corrupt.

I'm not allowed to exist because I have some misunderstandings.

But you do,

You're allowed to exist,

You guys.

Don't do that,

Okay?

Don't do that.

That's probably some of the bonding to your mom that's coming up to be cleared,

Actually,

Just as I'm talking.

And it's not our mom's fault.

Yeah,

You just,

To blame our mom's like to blame an abused child,

You know?

So you can't.

Trilijan,

You get,

I've seen you do this in lots of satsangs,

You start getting really restless.

Yeah.

Yeah,

And you move around and you disappear.

Yeah,

Yeah,

Yeah.

I was sitting outside and it started to rain.

I've noticed.

Yeah,

I know.

But still,

In lots of satsangs,

I want you to pay attention to that.

Because really,

Sometimes you're really steady.

But then sometimes,

You know,

It's like you disappear and you move around.

I'm telling you,

Please don't argue with me,

Okay?

I'm telling you the truth.

It is my topic.

You're right.

Yeah,

I'm going to have a big sign that comes up saying,

Don't argue with me.

Bless your heart.

You know,

Trilijan,

The,

You know,

Moving was,

I had a lot of trouble with that.

So,

Yeah.

Thanks.

Yeah.

Right.

Right.

You're not a bad boy.

Yeah,

It's good.

Okay,

Good.

Yeah.

Good.

Good.

It's so funny.

There's been this shift and this deepening now.

As if some of you are feeling your inner purity of heart more.

I want to come back to this thing about,

You know,

This lovely guy who stopped driving.

You know,

Or stopping Seva.

It's like,

We are never perfect.

It is an ongoing weaving that takes place,

Okay?

It's an ongoing weaving of the Creator's energy coming into our lives.

There is never full perfection.

So,

Just work with things,

You see?

Get down to the personal and work with things.

Work with yourself.

That's what I did.

I got down to the personal of,

I want to embody love.

I'm clueless.

I feel like a big sack of concrete that is absolutely clueless.

I know I'm out of touch with my heart.

But I'm going to try.

Yeah.

I tried.

So,

With my kids,

I was always aware of,

Am I being as loving as I can be?

Am I being as present as I can be?

Always.

And I would always,

You know,

There's one of my kids who really liked to talk,

You know?

And it was like,

Oh,

My God.

It was like,

You know,

It's like boring,

You know?

And I'd have to keep bringing the attention back.

I used to feel like I was being lectured by a little professor.

Anyway,

So I was probably getting my own,

You know,

Karma back,

But I struggled with it.

So,

It's just,

It's noticing.

It's like coming down to just being a human being.

It's like sort of cut off from being on the spiritual journey,

Like cut the,

Oh,

I've got to surrender,

I've got to surrender,

All that static.

And just come back to your personal existence and try to love.

Try to be the best you can be.

And when you fail,

Embrace yourselves.

You know,

Imagine angels hugging you.

Give your misunderstandings to Amma.

Do whatever you can for yourself.

Right.

Live that way.

It's the way of the pilgrim.

It's the way of the spiritual master.

That is how people achieve spiritual mastery,

By being fully themselves.

And being responsible to the God,

To Amma and the Creator.

And living that way.

And then taking what comes.

Just doing your best with it.

You know,

It is like getting on a roller coaster,

Really.

I wrote a story about this.

Life is getting on a roller coaster and you just want to get off and you can't.

And the roller coaster is going to keep going for as long as it goes.

And you're going to have scary moments.

You're going to have thrilled moments.

You know,

Hopefully it doesn't come unhinged and you arrive safely.

But you do arrive safely.

It's like we pass over and discover that everything is love,

You know.

I mean,

Over and over again,

These lives.

Big roller coaster life.

Then back to,

Oh,

It's all love.

And we go,

Okay,

I want to remember that more next time.

And then we get on the roller coaster again.

We forget,

Right?

Okay.

So this is why.

Bring your intelligence.

Focus on the blue moments,

Like I've talked about.

Listen.

Listen to the satsangs again.

Truly.

It will square your progress if you listen to them again after being in them.

And certainly if you ask a question,

Listen to the satsangs again.

Like sometimes you guys,

It's like you seem so passive to me.

I would have just done those things just instinctively to help myself.

Prayer times.

I mean,

You know,

You don't have to raise your hands,

But how many people are joining in the prayer times,

You know?

Or is it just,

Oh,

It's a nice idea.

Oh,

Yeah,

I'll do it.

And then,

Eh,

Meh.

It's like this is the stuff because,

You know,

When we come together at the 10 minutes at 8 o'clock,

Both eights,

There's an acceleration possible for you.

And being devoted enough to do it that it matters.

Yeah.

Right.

Yeah.

It's like if you were doing a PhD program,

You would be making sure that you ticked all the boxes.

It's the same principle with the journey.

We can't really get anywhere unless we,

You know,

Follow the suggestions and the guidance.

Yeah.

And you're all beautiful.

You know,

You're all adorable.

But I was telling Anna,

They're really teaching for me,

Really.

It is like what used to happen with my toddlers after Peter left.

They were,

I don't know,

1 1⁄2 and 3 1⁄2.

What would happen is they would get up at 5 o'clock in the morning.

And I would – Peter didn't do anything to help,

So I just had these kids totally,

Like,

Apart from like a Sunday afternoon for a couple of hours,

I had these kids all the time.

And they woke up at different times at night.

But they both woke up at 5 o'clock in the morning.

They didn't need much sleep.

And I would make a pot of coffee,

And as soon as I could,

I'd turn on the TV for cartoons,

Like Belle and Sebastian,

About this guy with his dog.

You know,

They were good quality cartoons.

And I would drink this pot of coffee with my eyes glazed over with – yeah.

And you know what?

Spiritual teaching,

You guys,

Is kind of like this.

It's kind of like trying to work with toddlers that don't really want to listen.

They kind of want to listen and be a good boy or girl,

But to deeply listen,

That's a whole other thing.

And they keep doing the same things over and over.

It's true.

But,

You know,

They're trying their hardest.

And as a mom,

I was the same way.

And then when they talk,

They don't even realize that when they talk to you,

Their egos are tricking them,

And their egos are trying to trick you.

It's all very understandable,

But it's exhausting.

It's exhausting in a way.

So I hope it's exhausting in the way that,

Say,

The 10 minutes of the prayer.

You know,

I know all of you are on different time zones.

But at this time,

I mean,

We are – it's like Swami said,

We're tipping.

And even with tipping,

For everybody just to keep in mind the prayer,

You know.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's just sad,

You know,

It's sad in a way.

This knowledge isn't casual,

So if you treat it casually,

You won't get it.

Yeah.

It's funny,

I can feel there's a vein of deep despair operating.

Okay,

So this is coming up.

Some of you may feel this,

But don't worry about it.

It's a deep despair,

And it is actually related to the early bonding with the mama.

You see,

This is what can happen.

A child can actually feel despair at the lack of love that the mom is capable of.

But they have to bond with the mom anyway.

Right.

It's this vein of despair that's coming up.

I can feel it.

Yeah.

You know,

In my spiritual psychology book,

I talk about despair.

The soul is one step beyond despair.

It's one step.

So,

In Vancouver,

There's a—down at the east side,

There's a very sort of sad area.

And when I was a little girl and we drove through it,

I would always burst into tears.

And I remember when I was about eight,

I stopped crying.

You know,

It's like when my heart closed up a little bit.

It's of this deep despair.

And the thing is,

You know,

It's one step—surrender to truth is one step beyond this despair.

It's,

You know,

With addicts.

They will just decide,

Okay—you know,

They surrender,

And they join Alcohol Anonymous,

And they take that step.

And then they build a life,

Really,

Of surrender,

You know?

They have to go apologize to all the people they've hurt.

They realize that they are powerless to solve their addiction.

That is a step into truth beyond despair.

We realize how powerless we are to heal ourselves,

To solve our problems,

And we allow Amma,

Or the Creator,

In.

I say the Creator with Amma because not everybody who's listening to the satsang knows about Amma.

It's that,

You guys.

It's that step.

On the journey where you realize that you're powerless to fix yourself,

You're powerless to solve the difficulties that you encounter over and over again,

And you go,

I can't solve it.

I'm helpless.

Right?

And when you do that,

When you do that,

It is a blue moment with a capital B.

That is a blue moment,

A really big one,

The all-important blue moment.

Yeah.

And they bring a comprehension.

Those moments,

They bring a comprehension,

And then just stay true to them.

Yeah,

Then really you have to stay true to them.

Otherwise,

You're not a seeker,

Really.

You're a fraud.

Bottom line,

You guys.

Yeah.

And the thing is,

You'll become happier,

You guys.

This is,

I really,

You know,

I just saw myself with,

Like,

A big plastic bat,

You know,

Like a kid plays?

And I just saw myself with this big plastic bat going,

Bang,

Bang,

Bang.

You will be happier,

You guys.

On top of your heads,

I'm going,

You will be happier.

This will just work for you.

This isn't going to hurt.

You will be happier.

You know,

Because,

Okay,

Part of the thing about with working with you guys and the toddler thing,

It's like I work with people and they go,

Oh,

I'm so unhappy,

I'm so unhappy.

And it's like,

But I don't want to change.

But I don't want to change.

So I'm coming to you for you to fix this situation.

Okay,

Do you get that,

You guys?

I'm so unhappy,

But I don't want to surrender.

But I want to talk about it a lot.

And I want to feel better.

I want you to make me feel better about my decision not to surrender.

Yeah,

You guys.

And I'm like the mom of the toddler with the coffee going,

The mom of the toddler,

I'm pouring brandy in the coffee.

I'm teasing you.

I'm teasing you.

Listen,

You guys.

I did every trick that I see you guys do.

Believe me.

Believe me.

I could never understand why Abraham wasn't more,

Why he didn't see how wonderful I was more.

And he did,

But he just saw this Everest ego blocking the way.

So remember,

You can only get as close to the teacher as the Everest ego falls away.

You'll get closer to the teacher.

And,

You know,

Remember,

I love and understand you.

And the journey,

I mean,

Alma said about teaching,

She's saying,

Like,

Don't expect much.

What she means is it takes time.

You know,

It took me four decades.

So we've been doing satsangs for like about a year,

You know.

Yeah.

So it's all good.

Everything's all good.

Yeah,

Everything's okay.

You'll be happier if you let yourself wake up.

Somebody just told me that,

That they noticed they were happier because they were being more true to themselves.

That's the whole point,

To become happy,

Right?

It talks about being happy.

We just do this big religiosity thing.

It's coming from other lives.

And we've all got our gigs this life,

You know.

We just have our walks.

We have our own walks.

And nobody can take it from us.

And a teacher can,

You know,

Shine a light,

Encourage us,

Signal when she thinks we're going off.

And don't worry about difficult things,

Okay.

So,

For example,

I remember getting a feeling as if Amma or my soul,

Which are both,

Wanted to remove some scar tissue from my heart.

So I'm like,

Yes,

Yes.

It sort of came to me in one of these blue moments,

You know,

An expansion.

And I could feel that my soul wanted to give me this grace.

Okay,

That night I have a horrible,

Horrible sleep and I have nightmares.

In the morning I go,

What was that?

And I'm feeling really kind of rattled and disconnected.

And then I think to myself,

Oh,

I guess this is the scar tissue being removed.

Okay,

Yeah.

And at the same time,

I know that having had these disturbing dreams might mean in the future I have a little bit of difficulty coming as part of this clearing of the scar tissue of the heart.

Yeah,

This is how we evolve,

You guys.

The more you know that when you walk through difficulties,

That it's your soul helping you.

The more you go.

In the old days,

I would be very frightened about getting more difficulty,

Because I experienced so much more difficult,

So much difficulty for so long that it was like the whole thing got terrifying.

Yeah,

Okay.

I can feel that,

You guys,

That stuff gets terrifying for you sometimes.

Yeah,

It's kind of,

Yeah,

I can feel you really are.

This is hard for you guys about dealing with your fear.

You know,

For me,

It got solved in the loving and acceptance.

You know,

I just stopped expecting good things from life in a way.

I mean,

I just figured,

Well,

My life was a mess.

Okay,

This was what I did.

My life is a mess,

But I just want to become more loving.

Anyway,

It's kind of like that.

I just want to be loving.

Right.

You guys are scared of your fear.

I can feel this.

You're actually scared of yourselves,

But your ego makes you scared of your fear.

Yeah.

Well,

I just,

You know,

Sink into the safety of satsang,

Really.

Sink into the safety of imagining Ama's arms.

The fear,

You know,

Won't kill you.

It was the making of me.

I could not have reached as far as I've gone without feeling the extreme levels of fear that I felt.

So,

If you're actually really moving on the journey,

You will feel fear.

It is the sign of the authentic seeker.

It really is.

Right.

Just go through it,

You know.

Just go through it.

It won't kill you.

It's actually fear leaving your body.

This is,

You know,

Ama says be fearless,

And this is the thing.

I mean,

We get fearless by feeling fear and stepping ahead anyway,

And then you see over and over again how stupid your fear is.

So,

For example,

This one is a dear one.

She's a sincere seeker,

But she got experience of,

You know,

Terror with when I asked her to write a recommendation for my LinkedIn.

Okay,

This is what we're like,

And this is me being a spiritual teacher with toddlers drinking the coffee.

She's been with me for two years.

She helps support this work,

And she was scared to write a recommendation on LinkedIn in case her boss saw it.

Now,

This is what we're like.

This is what we're like.

This is why,

Actually,

You know,

Part of why,

Like,

Over the years,

I'd say to people,

Hey,

Will you do these things,

And they were scared to do it.

And in the old days,

I would just,

Okay,

But this time,

I said to the person,

Okay,

Well,

You know,

It's a choice.

So,

And I know you said you're really sincere,

So,

You know,

Because it's a choice,

And you need to really be clear about this,

And then with satsangs,

Then maybe don't attend until you make your choice about whether you want to support this work or not.

Okay,

So the scalpel came out to lance the boil so the pus could flow out,

And the misunderstanding around the fear could clear,

Because I'll tell you guys,

Nobody cares.

Please get this.

We're so scared of people,

You know,

Nobody cares.

They're obsessed with their own lives.

Yeah,

Really.

It's phantom,

This thing you feel about being other people.

It's a phantom thing that's fueled by the ego,

And the stupidity is we're about to,

You know,

Maybe blast ourselves into outer space with atomic bombs.

You see,

This is how I'm like.

So,

I'm this toddler mom,

And really,

I feel like adding Brandy to the gobby,

Really.

It's just like,

Oh,

My God.

But this isn't your fault.

It's like,

This is what we're like.

You know,

I just go,

Well,

You know,

Really,

For me,

Like,

All of you are in my dream.

You're all parts of me.

It's just premise to talking to yourself.

Really.

But this is why we like bringing that intelligence to our fear,

Bringing the cool light of day to the terror stories.

Yeah,

It's like,

How about we all rise up more,

You know?

You know,

As we're individuals within this group,

How about we all just embody it more,

You know?

Just a little more.

Yeah.

Experiment with it,

You know?

Because a lot of my life,

I remember with Raising the Boys,

We were,

I was homeschooling at this point.

And so,

We joined this theater group,

You know,

Patent Mime,

And I was the stage manager.

And I was feeling very lonely and,

You know,

A little lost,

But just heading,

I want to embody love.

And so,

With the stage management,

I was as good as I could be with people.

And I did it as a spiritual exercise.

I did live my life like that,

Being as good to people as I could be.

You know,

But clear and firm when I needed to be,

But I wanted them to feel some degree of love.

And I was feeling like a failure,

Like,

Where was I going?

Lonely,

Misunderstood by my family.

And this couple in the theater group just said,

Kind of in passing,

Oh yeah,

Janet's a jewel of a human being.

And they were a very self-centered couple,

Which is why I was really stuck.

But,

You know,

I grabbed hold of that.

I held on to that.

That was,

That fed me.

That kept me going.

I remembered it.

That's how little feedback there is sometimes,

You guys.

In fact,

It was chronic like that for me.

And I would be going like,

You know,

I'd be thinking,

Like,

I'm so walking a path.

So,

This is before I knew Alma even.

I'm walking a path so different from anybody I know,

But it feels so right.

So,

I just keep going with it,

And I would get little bits of things to keep me going like that.

And I actually think that's what the journey's like for everybody,

Really.

That we do feel lost,

Alone,

A little confused.

You see,

I can see when most people live with such false structures.

They're inside such false structures of their ego with such badly built,

Ready to fall down at any time structures.

That is the normal.

And I go in with you guys to help you rebuild your foundations in a new way,

In a true way.

And some of you are like,

You're kind of like,

Well,

I don't really want to go that deep.

And I'm going,

Okay,

Your building's going to fall down then.

Remember,

You guys,

With the satsang,

It's implicit that if you turn up for satsangs,

And you're asking for this deep spiritual guidance.

I mean,

You've got a really sincere teacher here.

You do not have a trivial teacher.

And if you turn up for these,

You're basically saying to the universe,

I wish this.

And if you're attending and you're consciously refusing to grow,

You are setting up a dangerous situation for yourself.

Because I'll tell you,

The universe,

If you have an opportunity to grow and you don't take it,

It doesn't work well.

It's sort of like a parent with a child.

It's like the parent will indicate to the child,

You're going the wrong way.

No,

It's really important to get this.

I'm not talking about being perfect.

I'm talking about daring to put your arms around your resistance.

Okay,

Rather than sit in judgment of your resistance,

I'm asking you to dare to put your arms around your resistance.

Which is what this one teaches.

You put your arms around it,

Or you notice that you cannot put your arms around your own resistance.

You notice that,

And you go,

Okay,

This is the state of my life.

I can't even put my arms around my resistance.

And then you feel it.

Then you feel how lost and lonely it is to be a person who can't even put their arms around their resistance.

It's like,

Don't leave yourselves for some false concept of spirituality.

It is a moment by moment by moment movement.

I can't embrace myself.

Okay,

This is what it's like to be a person who can't embrace themselves.

This is what it feels like.

Wow,

This feels really lost and lonely.

Right.

See,

Because you can't escape yourselves.

Any trick,

You're going to find that it doesn't work.

Just be with yourself,

Moment by moment,

With how you are.

Steering and steer towards love.

And,

You know,

If you notice that you're beating yourself up because of resistance,

You go,

Okay,

This is what it feels like to be a person who's beating themselves up for being so resistant.

Just be with it.

If you are just with it,

It will change.

If you try to avoid feeling that,

It won't change.

Because when you go,

Okay,

I'm putting my arms,

I mean,

I'm so resistant,

And I don't want to embrace it,

You're feeling you are being run by the unloved child.

So,

When you are just with that,

The unloved child will feel loved.

Right.

Right.

That's it.

It's not,

You know,

It's not a terrible sin.

It's just a hurt child.

And when you're just with it,

That's a blue moment.

Okay.

There's a lot of love power coming to anybody who's willing to really walk this deeper journey.

That's why this work is going up in its power.

Just because of that.

You do not have to be perfect.

You know,

Even feeling how hard it is to love and accept yourself is good work if you stay on it.

Because if you stay on it,

You will make the shift.

If you stay on it,

You get dreams that help you.

Because your subconscious starts really helping you.

So,

Instead of,

You know,

The thing about surrender,

Going round and round your head,

Have your focus being on love.

Let love go round and round your head.

You going forth,

Expressing love for yourself and love to others.

And that may include being firm with people.

It's like me saying to the satsang member,

Okay,

Well,

Just while you think of it,

Don't come to satsangs.

That was love.

And it's taken this one so long to be firm.

Yeah.

To learn to be firm on these things.

Because it used to strike me at first,

I was being mean.

That would be the feeling,

Oh,

You're being mean.

And then I'd have to look at it and go like,

No,

It's not mean.

It's clarifying.

It would be my ego going,

You're being mean.

Yeah.

Now it's just like.

Now I just don't put up with things.

I don't put up with no crap.

That's kind of how it is.

That has stood up.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But even,

You know,

If I'm being tough on you,

It's with great love.

Great understanding.

But I also know the journey isn't to be messed with.

And it's dangerous to mess with it.

As I found out very clearly.

So many of us have kind of an ego that comes in and tries to control things just like,

You know,

This lovely guy who,

You know,

Thought giving up driving would solve the anger problem.

And it's just control.

It never works.

It's get down and dirty.

Get down right in,

You know,

And love.

Yeah.

And,

You know,

Be the person that changes things in the family line,

You know.

Because that's what happened to me.

The stuff snowballed down the family line until it hit me.

Yeah.

And I went,

Oh,

I can't live another generation of this.

I can't do this to my children.

Of course,

You know,

I did in a way because I wasn't fully awake.

So I made lots of mistakes,

But I tried.

I tried.

I certainly tried.

And,

You know,

I'm very at peace with any mistakes I made.

It's like I really tried my best.

Yeah.

When they left home,

I had a couple of years where I saw,

Like,

Mistakes I'd made and stark relief.

And then I went,

I had this moment where it's like I really did my best.

I could not have tried harder.

Yeah.

I mean,

Half the problem was I tried too hard.

I mean,

That was good.

Yeah.

But I remember my son with the leukemia,

You know.

And as soon as he could talk,

He was a late talker.

He was about three.

And he turned to me in full sentences.

He said,

Mom,

You are the moon in my nighttime and the sunshine in my day.

And I thought to myself,

That's the leukemia thing.

That was me siding with the leukemia for his life.

Not siding for the leukemia,

Siding for his life.

And that was my reward,

Yeah.

Yeah,

It was off the wall.

Anyway,

I've been talking so much.

It was a hard-hitting satsang.

But you guys have all shifted.

It's so good.

Even if you feel you haven't,

All of you,

I see energetic change in all of you,

In your auras.

So,

You know,

There are changes in our auras,

And then they reach our bodies.

It's kind of how it goes.

Make a shift energetically,

And then it comes down to your body.

And as it comes down to your body,

You go,

Oh,

No,

This is terrible.

But then you make the shift,

And that's just the integration of the shift.

And then you're lighter after that.

Remember,

If you're feeling heavy,

Give it over.

The heaviness is coming from your ego.

But it's not bad.

It's not bad,

You guys.

Okay,

Open up.

Is there anybody wanting to say anything or question?

You know what happens.

You will watch yourself doing something that you know isn't the best,

And you will watch yourself do it a thousand times,

And then the time will come where you don't do it anymore.

It's how it works,

You guys.

Trying to fix it through will and your ego,

Like will of like the forcing will,

And your ego won't work at all.

You have to kind of just watch,

Feel how much it does not work to keep doing this behavior,

And you will do it less and less and less.

See,

Your God's in human form,

And I feel that you are more able to hear this today than you've ever been.

Yeah,

Your God's in human form.

So this walking with the blue moments that I'm talking about,

Putting,

You know,

Embracing yourself and embracing even if you feel incredibly resistant,

That is what works because you're God's.

You're not imperfect machines.

You're God's.

So you need to treat God well,

With respect,

With honor.

Right.

And when you're,

You know,

I used to,

You know,

Even if people were kind of,

I used to keep extending to people and keep extending to members of my family and even seekers sometimes when they weren't particularly treating me well.

And because I was just so used to,

I would think to myself,

Well,

They just don't know.

As soon as they know,

They'll get it and they'll change,

Right?

Oh,

Pramasuti,

You poor soul.

My soul was going,

Oh,

God,

Not again,

This poor woman.

Really,

I did that for years.

But I was just used to it.

I was just used to not being treated well,

You guys.

So the thing is that even somebody,

You know,

I was who,

You know,

Was really like,

Really,

You guys,

My mom was having a nervous breakdown when I was born.

My bonding was just terrible.

My younger,

My older brother used to beat me up,

Even when I was like tiny,

Tiny.

I would come around a corner and I would get a fist,

You know,

Because he had that encephalitis,

This random violence.

My inner patterning was so terrible.

My dad was really,

Really hard on me.

And any movement into love,

He would usually squish quite,

Even a thought,

Even a shift.

He was Pisces,

So even if I had the beginnings of a shift of love,

He would feel it and would squish me.

You have no idea.

And if someone like this one can surface anyway,

Really,

Really,

There's no excuses,

You guys.

If we want it,

We get it.

What this real difficulty at the beginning did for my journey is it made it very steep,

Okay?

My journey internally has been very,

Very steep the whole time.

Just like this.

Yeah,

It took a lot of energy,

A lot of concentration,

Just a lot to allow this to be healed.

And,

You know,

You guys,

It's my life to do this,

You know?

This will be the culmination,

Okay?

This is my soul going,

We're getting out of here from a Suda,

Really.

Even Amma indicated that to me because I said,

You know,

If I'm qualified,

Can I stay on earth and help people for a long time?

And she looked at me and said,

In English,

Your soul does not want to do that.

And she said it with real,

You know,

I was shocked.

But this explains my life,

You know?

We can't compare.

When you get somebody who's graduating like me,

Hopefully I graduate,

You know,

In the last moment.

I don't have a negative thought that keeps me off the earth,

You know?

Because it could happen.

But when you're with somebody who's graduating,

Let it inspire you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because,

You see,

The secret plan of your lifetime might be an acceleration to come right at this time.

Do you understand?

This is a time of mass ascension.

All the people,

There's so many people seizing this moment.

Okay.

Now,

It's something to keep in mind,

But you don't boss yourself with this.

It's like your soul knows about this and is steering you this way.

And it will get done by something beyond you.

You will just discover the results of your life,

Basically.

Like this one just discovered that I was doing this acceleration.

After years and years of,

You know,

What the hell's the matter with me,

Really?

I realized,

Oh,

It is a big acceleration.

That's what this is.

Okay,

This is a time of mass ascension.

This is a time where it is possible to bond to the roots of your being and to get an understanding that is off the charts very quickly.

Now,

Don't grab this with your heads.

This is done by something beyond you.

What you can do is listen intently to the things I talk about and attend the satsangs and just let them change you because they will.

You don't know the full meaning of your life.

I'm getting that,

The full meaning of it.

You know,

Our lives take place in metaphors.

It's a big metaphor.

Jesus' crucifixion I see as a big metaphor for what happens internally to a human being over and over again.

We get crucified by life and we have an opportunity to allow a resurrection.

We have these ecodes and ego births over and over again.

Actually,

In the bigger thing,

They are reflecting our birth and death in other dimensions,

But we experience them through ecodes and ego births here in this one.

Let your mind really… You guys,

It's so big what is going on here.

I'll tell you something that will be interesting to you.

This is something that happened that this wouldn't have been able to happen before,

But it can happen now.

I was speaking with a woman who… We've been butting heads for about five years.

I loved her deeply,

But we would butt heads.

All of a sudden,

I remembered I had this experience that she did a big betrayal on me.

She pretended to be a friend and she grabbed me and slit my throat.

Now,

The karma for this had been paid off ages ago.

But we were still… There was still an overhang in our relationship,

This kind of a distrust coming from utterly interesting… I always felt it more from her side,

Even though I was the one… Because I think in that life,

She felt really bad about pretending to be a friend and then slitting my throat.

There was this overhang of feeling like,

Oh,

I'm betraying this person even as I'm being friends with her.

And in this life,

There was a level that she was betraying me,

Betraying the teaching by willfully staying in her intellect,

By willfully playing there a little bit.

So,

We finally come to… It finally comes to a head,

And it's good when things come to a head,

You guys.

So,

I suddenly saw this,

And I went,

Oh,

This is what the problem has been.

And we talked,

And then I saw this picture that what had happened in this seemingly past life altered.

It was altering as we spoke.

And in this,

I had grabbed her,

Instead of her slitting my throat,

I had grabbed her and was holding a knife to her throat.

It was… I could see it.

I could see what we were wearing.

I could see the whole thing.

And then I'm going,

Wow,

That's weird.

And I think I even stopped our discussion,

And I talked.

I said,

I'm seeing this.

And then I saw both of us drop knives and made a new peace in truth.

And after this happened,

This woman's relationship and the training going on,

It became seamless.

So,

That was showing a life changing as we were speaking.

I mean,

It was just off the charts.

I mean,

I've experienced a lot of things like that,

But that was just so beautiful.

So,

What is going on here is so huge.

And even in the objects around you,

Supposing you have like a little tree,

A dwarf tree in your house.

In another dimension,

That tree will be outside and in your garden.

Do you know what I mean?

There is a weave of… this kind of weave of what we're doing.

It's so big.

And we go around with our rigid egos going,

I'm bad because I don't know,

I didn't pay my parking ticket.

I don't know,

Whatever it is.

Really,

Really so big.

So,

Where this one plays,

It's like this spaciousness and this fluidity.

Even these lives are altering even as we're being present in the moment.

It's like,

Wow,

What is really going on here?

That was kind of an ultimate blue moment.

And what was interesting with this person,

Was the intensity of my working with her and her intensity of her soul really wanting this knowledge,

Despite everything.

Her soul really wanted this knowledge,

Despite all the games that were being played.

And that's part of where the tension got extreme enough that there was this bumping up to witness this change occurring in this life.

So,

We talk about past lives,

But really the truth of it is they're all happening at the same time.

You see,

This is how human beings,

We start achieving this,

Playing into more of the energy of God.

Your God Self permeates through more.

And the other thing is,

You guys,

I hope you all listen to the satsang again,

Maybe even twice,

That the more you're in truth,

The more spacious you will get.

You will feel like that you're in a place with no ceilings.

When your mind is heavy,

You will feel that you have no space.

You'll feel like a heaviness,

Like a low ceiling,

Energetically.

You're in a small room with a low ceiling.

That means you're caught in your mind.

But just give it over.

And then you'll get some crisis coming up where you can let go of your mind.

Be at peace with the crises.

It's just a movie.

Yeah,

It's just a movie.

And you're the screen on which the movie is being played.

You think you're the movie.

You think you're in the movie,

And you're the whole screen that's allowing the movie to even happen.

Without the screen,

The movie wouldn't happen.

We talk about that we'll,

You know,

Hurt nature,

And it's like if the human beings are extinct,

If we're extinct,

There isn't any Earth.

It's a dream,

You guys.

It doesn't exist.

Without your dream,

The Earth doesn't exist.

I know it's a lot to get out of.

I actually think,

You know what I think?

I think having this breakdown actually has allowed me to get like this.

You know what I mean?

Because it's kind of like being a nutcase,

But it's actually true.

Whereas in the old days,

It was distorted by my ego,

So it wasn't true.

But this is like true.

But it's like living in an Alice in Wonderland world.

Yeah.

I'm feeling.

.

.

I'm feeling this release of some angelic support for you guys.

Yeah.

It's as if it's to help you get the signs of spring for you to be able to smell the scent of transcendence more.

You know,

I don't know if you ever.

.

.

We had a place where we holidayed as kids,

And there's a certain smell that when I smell it,

I'm transported back to being three years old.

So it's sort of like getting the scent of.

.

.

This energy of transcendence.

I don't want to say a new world,

You know?

It's kind of like.

.

.

But it's like a God-infused world,

A love-infused world,

A love-infused life.

You guys,

A love-infused life.

So,

You know,

Remember the difficult moments.

You just keep focused on love,

And the difficult moments will bring you into more a love-infused life.

Right.

And I can feel these,

Really,

These angelic support coming through.

.

.

For all of you.

It's like we're at this tipping point.

So,

You know,

Really,

Any step into truth.

.

.

Gets supported.

Okay,

And the last thing I want to.

.

.

Please,

You know,

One of the big vulnerabilities with you guys is you believe your thoughts,

But don't.

Witness your thoughts,

But don't believe them.

Your ego's in there.

The Mussolini dictator's in there.

It's like when.

.

.

It's like when this dear woman's being scared to write the recommendation,

You know?

It's just crap.

You have to be willing to,

Like,

Open the door to the idea that maybe,

Like,

Half your thoughts are crap.

Your thoughts are just keeping you at this particular vibration,

You know?

Yeah.

That's why I just go forward and love yourselves,

You know?

It's just.

.

.

This journey is uncontrollable.

You just.

.

.

You can't control it.

So,

You might as well just love yourself and go forward and do your best.

And,

You know,

No matter what happens,

It's all going to have a happy ending.

And the other thing is,

You know.

.

.

The people that are causing the most havoc on the Earth have the most difficult times of the passing over.

Just because what we do to others in the world is what we do to ourselves.

So,

If people are being horrible,

It will come back to them.

So,

If you're flowing with the energy of the universe,

Everything gets softer for you.

It just gets softer.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

And I'm speaking from having known the life of walking against universal energy and then walking along with it.

And this way is like surfing the waves.

Just surfing.

Let's surf into a higher understanding.

And sure,

There are waves.

But surf them.

Just surf them.

You know?

Alma talks about swimming.

You know,

You swim through the garbage.

The garbage is up.

You swim.

You go.

Say your mantra.

You keep reminding yourself you're a divine being.

And then you.

.

.

For me,

It would be like this land would emerge in the ocean.

Like a new land.

New perspective.

A bigger understanding.

Yeah,

And that's what I noticed.

You guys,

A lot of you have trouble with this.

Allowing the new understanding to come in.

And it's kind of like resisting,

You know,

Being in all the pain of giving birth and yet resisting letting the baby come.

Can you imagine the hell of that?

Mother nature's.

.

.

Everything's going,

Go ahead,

And you're going trying to fight that river?

That's how some of us live.

You know?

Trying to resist the baby being born.

It's like,

Don't.

A baby being born,

It hurts.

But it hurts more to resist it.

Yeah.

I think there's a tremendous acceleration possible with just the work we're doing,

You guys.

I can feel it.

So just keep surfing with this one,

You know?

And we'll surf into total union.

And remember,

You know,

I know from my experience of attending satsangs at one point in my life with a really illuminated person,

And it just soaked in.

And as the months went on,

I realized,

Oh,

I'm really changing.

And it's just being done for me,

Kind of.

It's just happening.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Because when you.

.

.

If you come and connect up with an awakened person,

Then you have amahuj,

You know?

But this week after week after week,

I tell you,

It is a.

.

.

Infinitely powerful force.

And it's infinitely subtle and loving.

So it just works with the transformation.

It just does it.

And then just notice.

And keep thinking to yourself,

We're at this tipping point,

There's no ceiling.

Okay,

Think that way.

There's no ceiling.

Okay,

Just that.

This is the stuff this one was really good at,

Thinking like that.

There's no ceiling.

And some of you just did.

You're right,

Some of you just did.

You went,

I want a ceiling.

I could feel it.

I want the ceiling.

Okay,

I'm the ceiling.

Have the ceiling,

But have a button near you that you can press when you don't want the ceiling anymore.

Okay?

So just be with needing the ceiling.

But when you want to grow,

Make sure there's a button you go,

Okay,

I'll grow.

I don't need the ceiling anymore.

Don't push yourselves around.

Don't berate yourselves.

You know,

Really get the,

I want to say the purity and the power of this work.

There's a tremendous purity just because it was such a hard road.

Right.

You guys have the same purity of heart.

I can feel it.

I can feel it in all of you.

There's the same purity of heart.

Okay.

Allow it.

Play there.

Come from that.

It's invincible.

That is invincible.

Well,

This is,

I just feel like,

You know,

10,

000 walls evaporated.

And I think this is also worldwide.

I can feel it.

It's like,

It's beyond the group.

So you guys,

Please think about prayer times and please tell people about the prayer times.

Eventually we'll get some publicity going.

Maybe,

But just,

Do your best with it.

Because the more of us doing it,

It will reaffirm this energy to you too.

It will strengthen your,

It'll strengthen the power of the satsangs for you if you do it.

You know,

Sometimes even me,

It's like open my eyes and it's 8.

08.

That seems to be the favorite time.

I was like,

I don't go,

I don't do the full 10 minutes.

It'll be 8.

08 over and over again.

And then I have to go back and then it might be 8.

15.

It's like,

This is what we're like.

Don't worry about it.

And even if you just,

You know,

If you're doing the dishes,

Even if you just go,

You know,

Lokaha samastaha for 10 minutes while you're doing the dishes,

It's just do it while you're doing an action.

Keep the prayer going during that time.

You'll be flexible with yourselves.

I feel like I just drank the coffee pot,

You know,

And the kids and I are getting ready to get up and after watching the cartoons,

It's time to close.

And I love you both very deeply.

You both,

All of you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Remember my prayers are with you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah,

Please.

Yeah.

Know this.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And you are perfection as you are.

In your imperfect state,

You are perfection and you are a blessing for the world.

And the more you are your true self,

The more of a blessing you will become.

Yeah.

And thank you to Amma for her grace with today's satsang.

For all of the satsangs,

Because it's all in her grace.

It's like I always forget to thank the translators.

I'm still the same way.

I don't start with like,

Oh,

Thank you,

Amma.

I forget about that.

I just jump in,

But it's all Amma.

You see,

This is like,

This one breaks the rules all the time,

But my heart's in the right place,

So it's okay.

Yeah.

It's all Amma.

It's all grace.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know what I'm feeling?

A couple of you are mean to yourselves,

Okay?

Don't do that.

Don't do that.

Don't do that.

Don't do that.

Bad,

Bad,

Bad.

Don't do that.

No meanness or cruelty to yourself.

Don't be mean.

No.

But just think to yourself,

You're a goofball.

My son told me goofball means something in the prison sentence service here in Canada that's not a good thing,

So just bumble away.

Bumble away.

Anyway,

Bless your hearts.

Okay,

Bye.