Awakening Ki Tissa 5783: Torah Mussar Mindfulness, 21st Sit

Okay,

That's for us.

We are ready.

I hope you are.

Thank you for joining today on Sunday,

March 12.

It is 7.

30 p.

M.

Here in Haaretz in Israel.

Obviously,

There's been daylight savings for some of the United States,

Most.

So for some of you,

You probably arrived an hour earlier.

And I apologize for this.

It'll be this way for two weeks that we will be still on Israeli time at 7.

30.

And then we will join you back together when it's appropriate for 12.

30 Eastern Standard Time.

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If you were in that boat today,

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Com.

I'm delighted to have you here.

We are covering the Torah portion of Ki Tisa.

Very important.

That took place yesterday on Shabbat Saturday,

March 11th,

Which was Yud Chayt of Adar,

The Hebrew month,

The date of the 18th of Adar.

And it's the ninth parasha,

The ninth Torah portion in the Book of Shemot and the Book of Exodus.

And it's actually our 21st sitting of this Jewish year of 5783,

Tav Shem Peh Bet,

Gimel,

Excuse me,

Gimel.

So delighted to have you here.

If you're new,

Welcome.

Just to give a quick background,

We look at the weekly Hebrew Bible,

The Torah portion from the lenses of Musar and mindfulness of the Terra Vada Buddhism traditions and Musar coming from the Jewish tradition.

And we use the knowledge and insight of these two beloved ancient traditions to inform and really bring light and freedom and insight and joy into our learning to learn from what God wants us from the Torah and what our ancestors want us.

So delighted to be here with you.

It's such a gift and a privilege to be able to offer this public offering to you each week.

We do welcome your donations and sponsorships,

Just be in touch with us reaching out via email or calling or WhatsApp.

And we will arrange that for you.

And you will also find the audio that will come after this on podcast,

Wherever you listen to podcasts.

And we also become live on an insight timer,

If you want to join us there.

So welcome.

We always begin with our covenant,

Our intention for today's practice.

I'm going to share screen for those of you visiting on video for you to to see what we have for the rest of you.

I'm going to read out loud what we have here.

So we always have the same covenant,

The same intentions for our practice.

And basically,

We see this practice in this time together as doing acts of radical self care,

As acts that are going to actually draw us closer to others in service of others,

And also to strengthen our relationship with God with Hashem with the divine,

However you may use what term you may use what,

What you may call God.

So we say that this is something that we're doing right now,

This 45 minutes together,

In order to strengthen our own souls,

In order to strengthen our relationship to others,

In order to strengthen our relationship with the Creator.

And that we're doing this in order to be of benefit to others in the future in order to do avoda in order to do service to God is by caring for others to be a better conduit of God's good to others.

The basis,

The theoretical basis for this is based in Musar.

And in particular comes from the altar of Calmwork from the Musar school of Calmwork.

It comes from Rabbi Shimon Scholz's work and the introduction to Shara Yosher,

Where he really lays down the theoretical foundation of why we do this Musar path,

Right,

This Musar mindfulness path.

It is a path,

It's not just practice.

It's this path towards holiness.

And that we really are doing this to be of benefit to others,

And to carry the burden,

Bearing the burden with others.

So it's primarily based on the work of those two people,

But their disciples,

Their students carry on that legacy.

You'll find some of this wording and work also in Rabbi Shlomo Walby,

Zipronol Livrocho,

In memory,

His memory,

Beloved memory.

And he also touches a bit on this.

Okay,

So,

And these are our covenant,

Our intentions for today's practice.

May we merit fulfilling this today.

So we have the privilege and the blessing to jump into Ki Tisa.

This Parsha is a difficult one.

I mean,

Many of them are.

But for instance,

My children actually dread getting to Ki Tisa.

They actually like watch very carefully week to week,

Are we getting closer?

Are we getting closer?

Why?

Because it's the story of the golden calf,

Egil Hazahav.

And that story is painful for my children.

They don't,

They don't like seeing the fall,

They don't like seeing the sin,

They don't like seeing and witnessing the reactivity,

The anger,

The lack of anger management,

Both on the part of God,

Later by Moshe.

They don't like it.

It's like there's lots of attachment to way things they ideally wish and want to be and then what they witness.

And so it's hard for them.

They don't want Ki Tisa to come and they don't really want to study it or engage in it.

So if you identify that way,

If you feel that way,

Too,

Oh,

This is so hard or so ugly.

It's part of the practice is for us to face what is coming up in us,

What is the reactivity to any Parsha,

Any Torah portion that we read?

Can we be with this?

What will it take for us to be with it?

And of course,

We do this,

We take refuge in community.

We do this right now by learning together.

We can learn in Havruta and Avad and the Sanga to carry this burden with each other,

Right?

So that we don't study alone,

Isolated and think we have to bear this all by ourselves.

So let's give a quick summary for those of you who haven't had time to study this Torah portion.

It is important for us to have this background knowledge.

And let me pull up what I have for you here.

I have it somewhere.

It's fighting for me.

Thank you for your patience.

See if it's right here.

Here we go.

So as I say,

Every week,

Please try to take the week before like from today until after Shabbat to study the next week's Parsha,

Which is going to be a double Parsha.

It's Vayach Tel VePekude and sit and learn with those with a partner,

With a group,

Take notes,

Find what speaks to you,

What you think you can use,

What message is being sent to you to use as part of your practice.

And then we'll spend Sunday together,

Bezrat Hashem,

God willing,

You know,

Really pulling out what I think we can use as part of our Avodah,

Our service and our Musar,

Tikkun Hamidot,

The repair of our personality traits and our practice together.

So in this week's Parsha,

Basically God tells Moshe that he's to take a census,

How to count B'nai Yisrael.

And the people have to contribute half shekel for the Mishkan.

In addition to that,

God gives instructions for parts of the Mishkan.

So we have the Kiur,

The kind of basin for washing.

We use that word today in modern Hebrew for a sink.

We have the Shemin Hamishcha,

The anointing oil,

And then we have the Ketorah Tasamim,

The incense that is explained to us.

And then B'nai Yisrael begin to have Amida of theirs,

The soul trait,

To become very challenged,

That is unbalanced.

And that Amida is the Amida of Betachon,

Translated in Musar as trust in God.

For secular practitioners of Musar,

They'll translate it just as trust.

They begin to really be challenged.

It's a Bechira point.

They move to Da'aga,

To worry.

And whenever worry takes over as a veiling factor,

As a hindrance to true mindfulness,

To true insight,

It is a sign that we are not balanced.

So our ancestors,

When Moshe Rabbeinu,

Their beloved leader and teacher,

Heads up the mountain of Har Sinai and is away for 40 days and 40 nights,

He doesn't return when they,

On their own timetable,

Think that he should.

And there's all these Midrashim that they messed up the counting and they thought it was 40 days and it was really 39.

All of this is just to explain the lack of trust.

And it's not faith.

Faith,

And Munah as Amida,

Is about belief in the higher power,

A belief in God.

They're not questioning their belief in God.

They are having a lack of trust,

Trust in God,

A trust in Moshe,

That he's going to return and everything that is meant to be is going to be.

So they worry,

He takes a long time to come down according to their hearts,

How they're feeling.

And they basically command Aharon,

His brother,

The chief,

The Kohen Gadol,

The high priest,

And says,

Make us an Elohim.

Now,

Elohim can be translated as God,

God's idol,

A ruler.

Even Moshe Rabbeinu is called Elohim at one point in the Torah.

So they say,

Make us an Elohim and Aharon collects their jewelry and creates the Egil,

The golden calf.

So this is one of the key areas that we'll focus on,

But not only.

Then in more summary,

God in reactivity to this,

I don't read it as a response.

I don't read it as a healthy response.

God wants to destroy Bnei Israel,

But Moshe pleads for forgiveness.

So we have God's reactivity.

We have Moshe's response.

What I see is a very healthy,

Strong,

Courageous,

Balanced response.

And then Moshe has his own challenge,

Right?

What comes next?

Moshe comes down from Har Sinai,

Carrying the Luchot,

The 10 utterances on the tablets,

As far as we know,

Comes and sees,

Finally actually sees,

Witnesses whatever God told him was going on.

It's one thing to be told that something is happening that is not acceptable,

That is not what we want.

It's another thing to actually come down and witness.

So Moshe comes down and he,

No space between the match and feuds,

He reacts,

He shatters the Luchot,

Breaks them.

And if that weren't enough,

If that wasn't scary enough to destroy,

He goes down and destroys the Egil and then causes a a mixture that we learn later to do to the Sotah,

The woman who is suspected,

Is suspicious based on her husband's suspicion only,

That she is an adulteress,

She has committed adultery.

They do this,

Moshe does this here,

He mixes the liquid from the Egil and causes those he sees as sinning,

As responsible to drink from this.

And if that weren't enough,

He then commands the Levites,

His ancestors,

His own personal tribe,

To murder their own brethren and ancestors,

And not ancestors,

Their own brethren,

Family,

To anyone they see as involved will become victims of this.

So then,

As if that wasn't enough for this full portion,

So now you can see what my children have their own struggle and reactivity with.

God tells Moshe to carve a new set of Luchot,

This is after much pleading and dialogue back and forth,

And he goes back up to Harsinai and Moshe is there for a second set of 40 days and 40 nights,

And Moshe comes down with his face glowing and teaches Torah to B'nai Yisrael.

So a lot here,

And we want to just sit with this for a minute,

Especially if this is your first time hearing it,

Right?

So I want to start by naming what is Kaas,

What is anger as Amidah,

As a soul trade in Musar practice.

So for some,

Like the Rambam and others,

There's a whole tradition in Judaism that anger is something to be eradicated,

Something that is so negative that will never lead to anything life-affirming or positive,

That you must try to get rid of anger.

Now,

Of course,

We can't translate exactly what they meant by that because there's all sorts of cultural norms and time and place and social location that lead to the words of Rambam and others that we might not understand exactly what he means by anger.

It's just a feeling of anger.

What is the feeling of anger?

Is it the acting out on it?

The consequences?

There's lots of things you could look at anger,

But there's really this tradition that anger is something to be eradicated.

Later on,

You will start to have voices,

And even today in modern Musar practice,

Voices that recognize that anger is like any other Amidah that has a healthy balance form of experiencing it,

Accepting it,

Even maybe communicating with it,

Through it.

And then there's your extremes,

Your unbalance.

So if we have this continuum of healthy Kaas,

Healthy anger,

You have this unbalanced form of too much anger,

Which we see as rage,

Rationalist reactivity.

This side,

You have too little anger.

It's the people who often stuff.

We see it often coming out in passive aggressive behavior and maybe even blowing up once in a while,

Because they stuff,

Stuff,

Stuff.

So these are the common behaviors and actions around it.

I'd actually account for why Rambam is so nervous about it,

Because there doesn't seem to be a lot of room for healthy,

Healthy way of sharing and expressing anger.

But what we have today in modern practice is,

Thank God,

Also because of mindfulness practice,

This real honing in on recognizing anger,

How and when it arises,

What is the felt sense in the body,

Accepting it instead of trying to push it away or over identifying with it.

Like I am the anger,

I'm bad,

Or I'm not going to feel this anger.

I'm going to push it away.

I'm in denial.

Instead,

It's just really accepting and allowing,

Investigating it,

The felt sense,

The embodied sense,

And then really nurturing ourselves through it.

Like the shared humanity,

The self-compassion for that we recognize everyone experiences anger and that we too are experiencing it and that we can be with mindfulness.

They come to basically a really healthy life affirming way of sharing,

I'm angry and naming it.

Right?

So some of the beauty I have to share with you in some of the teachings this week,

One of them comes from Rabbi Marie Cherno,

Which is coming out of the Moussar Torah commentary.

She has a chapter on chaos and anger with Kiti Sa.

And she teaches,

And I'm hoping that I'm getting the gender correctly.

I don't always know based on the name,

But that this rabbi teaches that anger is almost always triggered by a breach in relationship.

So this is important thing to first notice.

Okay.

So I'm going to take you through this.

So the sin of the golden calf,

Right?

And that's what it's called,

Is really a breach in relationship.

Okay.

A breach of expectations,

A breach in how to face and accept the anger and to work through it in that relationship and even a breach of afterwards.

So we'll get through this.

So Yehuda HaLevi along with the Rashbam and the Rambam,

They are all of the position that the people weren't really trying to replace God,

That they understood that the golden calf was not a God replacement.

It wasn't God that really,

If anything,

It was a Moshe replacement.

It was,

We need our leader.

We need our leader.

We need someone down here with us.

Yehuda HaLevi really sees it as like,

If there's guilt there,

The guilt is wishing to facilitate avoda,

Service and worship of God through material symbols,

Through the calf.

So all of them understand that the breach here,

So first it's the lack of betahon,

The lack of trust,

Which is our reading in Musa mindfulness,

That then lead to the people.

So when someone lacks trust,

Right,

They go to worry and then they try to fix it.

They don't want to feel that worry.

They don't want to live with it,

Right?

They don't want to have to try to trust.

They will often stuff it to the whole area with trying to fix it.

So the fixing here is relying on material items and possessions to have an item.

Like,

First of all,

They're busy building and making this thing along with Aharon.

That keeps them busy.

That keeps,

We like to keep busy when we're having trust issues,

Right?

When we're having worry.

Do anything but feel it,

Right?

So they move through the whole process of making this calf,

And hoping that it will satiate the need for Moshe,

For being in relationship with Moshe and leader,

Someone that you felt seen and held and carried by,

Right?

So if you notice,

God,

A few parashiot to go tell our people,

Our ancestors,

Make me a sanctuary.

And we taught that today,

We are constantly making God a sanctuary by building our interior world,

And our most our mindful practice,

Right?

And so we're building this inner sanctuary,

Building this inner world based on Rav Shomowabi's teaching.

And the Mishkan that our ancestors started building,

Or will start building,

Depending on how when you see this parasha fall,

Is really building a holiness in and of space.

And the Shabbat,

The commandment to observe the Sabbath is really building and practicing holiness of and in time.

So we have space,

And we have time.

And then we have the holiness of building relationship.

And that's done through our middot,

Through our most our mindfulness practice,

How we treat one another,

How we respond versus reacting.

So God expects our ancestors to be patient,

To bear the burden with each other of waiting for Moshe to trust to trust in God.

And that is a breach,

They,

They don't do it.

They choose another path,

They had the Bekirah point,

The choice point,

They chose to build the calf instead of practicing and trusting,

Allowing themselves to be vulnerable,

Supporting each other when they felt like they couldn't handle it and stay with it.

They build a golden calf,

That's the first breach,

Right?

That's the first,

No longer holiness and relationship.

Hey,

There's been a breach,

Then God's reactivity.

And this is hard for most people studying the Torah portion,

A lot of our own reactivity to God's reactivity,

Right?

We don't want to think of a divine getting this angry that he's going to slaughter,

He's going to exterminate,

He's going to kill all the people in response to and reactivity to the anger,

Right?

Okay,

No,

This is very frightening for many people.

If you take this seriously,

A lot of people in modern Jews and modern people who obviously in practice and and learn from these texts,

Struggle with this.

What do we do?

How do we do with a God that went to this reactivity?

There's no space between the match and the fuse.

Is this really the divine that we're serving and trusting?

According to the Torah,

It is.

How do we live with this?

How do we trust?

How do we be in relationship,

Right?

So I don't have the answers.

This is something we have to live with.

This is part of our practice,

But to notice if you are having reactivity,

Right?

So God's lack of anger management,

It where there's just like rage where he wants to just wipe out,

He can't even be present.

And it's almost to the point where he's engaging in idol worship,

Right?

With it.

And this is the beautiful insight of Rabbi Cherno here that it when you when you go to such rage and anger where you're blinded and can't see,

It's a form of idol worship and,

And,

And God almost goes there,

Right?

But because of Moshe and maybe because of God's own practice,

Right?

When God says,

Leave me alone,

I want to be let,

Leave me alone.

Like I want to be left alone,

Which is really a saying,

Like,

Don't leave me alone with this rage.

It will consume me and I will consume everyone with it.

Moshe helps God control God's divine anger.

There's obviously still consequences,

But helps bring down the embers,

Right?

Bring down the flames.

And Moshe begs for forgiveness and does it through an act of love.

Moshe.

So if we want to know what love is,

What a hava is,

Especially as a mida,

It's not necessarily a feeling or emotion.

It's,

It's a,

It's a verb.

It's a deed.

It's what you do.

It's how you carry each other.

Are you bearing the burden with each other?

And Moshe,

He does everything he has power to save this people,

Sides himself with them.

If you're going to kill them,

You're going to say,

You're going to blot me out too.

I am with this people.

We are your people,

The constant back and forth of the people,

My people,

Your people,

And what language are you going to use to show that distance or closeness or forgiveness is really intense in this Torah portion.

So as I said,

The stimuli was this lack of trust,

The breach,

God's reactivity,

Moshe's response.

Really,

If we could have just left the story there,

That might've,

That might've been enough,

But unfortunately Moshe comes down that mountain and has his own reactivity,

His own lack of space between the match and the fuse,

His own acting out so that it causes harm and suffering to others that there ends up being murder.

So but what this all,

What all this practice in working around all this together is,

Is to address this concept of holiness in relationship and within,

Which is our practice today,

Right?

We have Shabbat,

Obviously,

Thank God,

We still have the holiness in width of time,

Thank God.

And we all have our little,

You know,

Mishkan Ma'at at our own tables in our house,

And we have it in our Batei Kenesed and our synagogues and Jewish community centers and wherever you may congregate together,

Minyanim,

Private,

Public,

These are all kind of holiness in and of space that we are,

You know,

Continuing through our ancestors teachings and passing on to us,

Thank God.

In our practice here,

Musa,

Our mindfulness really is this addressing holiness and relationships,

Holiness within,

And how we can continue to hold this.

So what is it that I want us to do today in practice?

One of the key things that we notice,

Moshe,

Turn to and rely on,

Couple of midot that have to be very balanced and strong in order to face someone's rage.

I mean,

Rage is so strong that most of our ancestors,

Our parashanim and our rabbis teach,

You shouldn't even look at a person when they're when they're in that state,

That you should definitely try not to negotiate or speak to them or calm them down.

It's a recognizing that there's something dangerous there,

That the person may cause harm and suffering both to others and themselves.

Moshe really makes himself quite vulnerable by interacting with God,

When God's at that height of rage,

Right?

Moshe could have been harmed.

And it's really profound that he was courageous enough and a dedication to and his love for the people.

So he relies on honor and kavod,

Both honor to God to know and trust that God will bring God's divine wrath down and has that ability.

And it's honoring that each and every soul is a holy soul created in the image of God that's worthy of living worthy of being in relationship.

It's also relying on deep,

Deep mercy,

Compassion,

Rahamim,

That even when you have sinned greatly,

Even when you've removed done a huge breach in the holiness of the relationship and the holiness within that,

That there is to Shuvah,

That there is returning and taking responsibility.

And Moshe so profoundly believes this,

That he stays,

He stays present and uses those medot as a path and a practice.

So for us,

We need to rely on kavod on honor and compassion,

We're going to engage in a compassion practice for others and ourselves,

A self compassion in our mindfulness meditation practice.

Before I begin,

We always want to keep in mind that we will take what we learned from today and apply it during the week,

Bizarre to show God willing,

The first is I want you to journal after this,

What are your obstacles?

What are your obstacles when you have already when you've breached a relationship or your holiness within or someone else has?

What are your obstacles to containing,

Practicing gavurah,

Strength,

Self restraint of that anger of that rage?

What gets in the way?

Right?

We could even think what led to that divine wrath almost exploding,

Thank God,

God contained it.

And we still witness it and live with it,

Right?

So I have to teach it to our children and work through it and be with that difficult,

Uncomfortable reactivity.

Okay?

You always want to ask yourself,

What am I feeding?

Because what you feed,

What you practice,

What you do is what you become.

So with that,

We move into our compassion practice,

I invite you to one of the four mindfulness meditation postures,

Standing like in a strong mountain pose,

Parsing I within right,

Her horror,

If you could be doing the walking meditation,

You can lie down,

If you have vision,

I encourage you to keep your eyes open.

So you remain awake and alert.

If you're like me on a chair,

I invite you to come to the edge of the seat so that you can sit upright and not lean back and fall asleep with a slumpy posture.

If you're on a meditation cushion as Zafu,

You know how to sit.

For those of us sitting in the chair,

Ground your feet so that you feel held by the earth.

Allow your hands to rest wherever is comfortable.

For some of you,

You might want to hold your heart.

And we begin with three deep cleansing breaths,

Inviting awake,

Awake,

Awakeness,

Alertness,

Being here in the present moment,

Inhalation and exhaling,

Releasing any tension in the body,

Inviting insights,

The gift of awareness and mindfulness,

Inhalation and exhalation,

Releasing everything.

And finally,

Another deep inhalation,

Allowing yourself to fully arrive,

Invite you to close your eyes.

If you feel safe,

You're welcome to lower your gaze.

If you want to keep your eyes open again,

If you have vision,

And I will guide you with my words.

And when you hear the bells at the end,

You will know that you may open your eyes and end the meditation.

So this teaching comes from Ram Dass,

Who if you're not familiar with him,

May his memory be for a blessing,

Was is a Jew who followed the path of Buddhism and some practices off from Hinduism,

And was a great teacher of insight and meditation and a practice of mindfulness.

And he came up with a practice based on even the Dalai Lama's work of compassion for others,

Called just like me,

So just like me,

Right?

Come on.

So we in this exercise,

As we're sitting in our meditation,

We repeat the phrases after me,

And we allow whatever we hear to enter as much as possible,

Allowing these phrases to really enter our hearts into the subconscious consciousness,

Seeing if there's any reactivity,

And honoring it all,

There's no need to fix things or push it away.

Just being with whatever arises,

Welcoming it as a gift.

So silently to yourself,

I want you to think of any person in your life,

It could be one person or even more,

Where you've had that breach,

Where there's been a violation in the holiness of relationship and the holiness within.

And I want you to picture fully that person here with you or people,

Maybe even a whole family,

Whatever is in front of you.

And I want you to whisper the following to yourself,

This person or these people have a body and a mind just like me.

And this person has feelings,

Emotions and thoughts,

Just like me.

And this person has in his or her life,

Or their life,

Experience physical and emotional pain and suffering,

Just like me.

This person has at some point been sad,

Disappointed,

Angry,

Or hurt,

Just like me.

This person has felt unworthy,

Or inadequate,

Just like me.

This person worries and is frightened sometimes,

Just like me.

This person has longed for friendship and love,

Just like me.

This person is learning about life,

Just like me.

This person wants to be caring and kind to others,

Just like me.

This person wants to be content with what life has given,

What God has given,

Just like me.

And this person wishes to be free from pain and suffering,

Just like me.

This person wishes to be safe and healthy,

Just like me.

This person wishes to be to experience joy,

Just like me.

This person wishes to be loved,

Just like me.

Now we allow some wishes of well-being to arise towards ourselves and the other person or people.

And we say,

I wish that this person have the strength,

Resources,

Social support to take refuge,

To practice,

To navigate,

To have the spiritual dexterity to be able to pivot the difficulties in life with ease,

With support,

With the path.

I wish that this person to be free from pain and suffering.

I wish that this person be peaceful and happy.

I wish that this person be loved,

Because this person is a fellow human being,

Created in the likeness and image of the divine,

Each and every one holy soul,

Just like me.

Allow yourself to sit for a minute in silence,

Allowing that to enter that great honor and compassion for others and self-compassion towards ourselves.

As we try to imagine what other response God could have had,

Should have had,

That we wish God had in our Torah portion to our ancestors,

To the Israelites,

B'nai Yisrael,

The children of Israel.

Rabbi Ternal offers,

And I quote,

I didn't even realize how important your loyalty,

Read here love,

Loyalty was to me until so much anger rose up that I actually wanted to kill you.

Think in your own life with this person or people in front of you right now,

What was so important to you in your brit and your covenant of relationship of your holiness and relationship and your holiness within so important to you that you acted out with anger,

Possibly rage.

Gently and slowly open your eyes if they were closed,

Allowing yourself to allow the light in without shock as we enter back into this sacred zoom live streaming space together.

Thank you for you.

Thank you for your practice.

Thank you to God and our ancestors for passing this down to us.

Thank you to our VAD and Sangha.

Thank you to the teachings of the Buddha and the Dharma.

Thank you for the Torah.

May we merit it's bringing God's good to others through our practice and teaching today that we head out this week and come deeply aware of how our anger sits within us.

How what what gift is it?

What attention does it want us to give?

What does it need from us that we honor that holiness and relationship and holiness within?

Thank you.

I look forward to seeing you next Sunday again.

730pm Israeli time IDT until we meet again after daylight savings.

Wishing you well.

Take care.