Surrender To Win

My name is Renee LaValley McKenna,

And I bring my 30 plus years as a recovering addict and ex-crazy person turned therapist and shamanic healer to bring you snackable teachings on spirituality,

Psychology,

And all things personal growth.

And today I want to talk about surrender.

And most of us don't learn much about surrender,

The wisdom,

Relief,

Or empowerment that it holds,

Because we live in a culture that's much more interested in fighting and winning and ego inflation rather than ego deflation.

And if we are familiar with the concept of surrender,

It probably mostly has to do with war and a losing side surrendering.

But they do that so that they don't get completely wiped out.

There's a deep wisdom in knowing when you are defeated,

And although it might not feel like it at the time,

When we surrender,

It can actually be quite an honorable act that's not just a survival tactic,

But it actually can mature and help us to grow along our own evolutionary path.

And the ultimate surrender,

Which we all face in one way or another,

Is surrender to divine will or to the flow of the life force as it expresses itself in your life.

And there seems to be a consensus among the great spiritual teachers and enlightened ones who have gone before that the universe actually has our best interest at heart,

Even if we don't think so,

And that we may not always know what's actually best for us.

And we may actually resist the unfolding flow of a universal force because we feel like it either isn't concerned with us,

Doesn't care about us,

Or maybe even actually wants to harm us.

And we better do our best to get what we can while we can get it.

Because if we rest or relax,

Everything will fall apart.

But it's interesting that most of the great spiritual and religious teachings tell us exactly that,

That we should rest,

Relax,

And find peace.

Prayer and meditation,

Mindfulness,

Presence.

There are whole companies,

Courses,

Teachings,

Apps just on how to relax.

Uda teaches that the roots of suffering is attachment and aversion.

Our obsession with what we want or what we want to have happen and what we don't want or don't want to happen.

And when we can live surrendered and in alignment with what is,

We can find bliss,

Peace,

And contentment right here,

Right now.

When we get many opportunities to surrender or align ourself with divine will throughout our life,

Probably the biggest opportunity for surrender is our own death.

And plenty of people fight that.

I think death is a tragedy or the enemy,

And many people fear it.

But those who have a good death,

Surrender to it.

And I've had many opportunities and experiences with surrender.

Most of the time,

It doesn't happen until I'm up against the wall and I've done everything in my will to try to make a particular outcome,

And it doesn't happen.

When I reach a point of despair or hopelessness,

Become keenly aware of my own limitations,

And then I say,

Fuck it,

I give up.

And over and over,

That is the very moment the grace of God comes and provides solutions,

Answers,

Or new opportunities that I could not have imagined.

And maybe some of them were already there,

But I was so focused on my own will,

I wasn't open to them.

And you can't really fake surrender.

I've tried to manipulate the system that way.

It doesn't work.

But there is a profound opening that happens when things just don't seem to be working out and we really let go.

That's that ego dissolution,

And there's often profound healing,

Even miraculous experiences that can come into that open space,

The experience of grace.

I remember a profound surrender moment when I was in labor with my first child.

And I was born Caesarean section,

And I never bonded with my mother.

And I did everything in my power to not have a C-section.

I got a midwife and a doula.

I did yoga every other day,

Drank special teas,

Massaged my vagina,

Had a birthing tub I was going to birth the baby at home.

And I had a completely unproductive labor.

And I was eating hot peppers and getting prenatal birth-inducing acupuncture.

Nothing worked.

And I remember going in the bathroom and I thought,

That's it,

I'm done,

I don't want to do this anymore.

And then I had another contraction.

And it was one of the first situations in my life.

There was absolutely no way out but to go through it.

And I realized at that moment,

Oh,

That must be what it's like when you die.

Like,

There's no way out of here.

It's only one door and you're going through it whether you like it or not.

Go willingly,

Kicking and screaming,

With fear and self-pity,

But you're going through it.

And after another 10 or 12 hours of unproductive labor,

I said,

Give me a C-section.

This baby ain't coming out.

And that birth was one of the most profound spiritual experiences I've ever had.

Blasted me open for about six months.

I could barely leave the house.

I was so open.

And it was beautiful and incredible.

Did a hell of a job on my body.

But spiritually,

Emotionally,

It was like an awakening.

And it healed a whole layer of my relationship with my mother and my own birth experience.

Completely unexpected.

And my doula stayed for the C-section.

And she said the cord was wrapped around the baby's neck.

The doctor didn't tell me that.

And that's why the labor didn't progress.

So I got what I needed,

Not what I wanted.

And what I needed served me much better.

Humbling,

Healing,

And mysterious as life often is.

And I would think I would know this lesson by now,

But it's just so easy to be attached to things,

Afraid of suffering or repeating the past.

Not wanting to go into the unknown.

Can't imagine what that would be like.

Being closed-minded.

Same thing happened when my marriage ended.

I knew in my gut,

In my heart,

That it was over.

I couldn't imagine how that relationship could end and not devastate everyone involved.

I kept trying to make it work,

Trying to make it work,

Trying to make it work,

Because I couldn't see the solution.

And then a series of really unexpected events happened.

And it unraveled in this really gentle and loving way.

And we were able to live together and co-parent our kids for a couple years.

And very organically,

Everybody moved into a new phase of their life.

And it all worked out in ways I couldn't have imagined.

And that's the thing about surrendering to the life force.

We don't get a preview.

We really are stepping into the unknown.

And that can feel absolutely terrifying or like an exciting adventure.

It can feel lots of other ways,

I suppose.

Those are my big two,

Abject terror or enthusiastic freedom.

You know,

I had a spiritual advisor once say to me,

I think God takes it one day at a time,

Makes it up as we go along.

I kind of like that idea,

That solutions are actually created in the moment.

And a lot of the wise ones I've been listening to lately,

David R.

Hawkins and Frederick Dodson,

Two of my recent favorites,

Describe that the universe and all the participants in it,

It's all a singular event unfolding simultaneously.

And they would say the best we can do is relax and participate with it rather than fighting against it.

That there is a natural unfolding and we are participants.

It's better if we don't try to run the show.

We just don't have the larger perspective to do that.

And I don't think that means that we do nothing.

We each actually are participants.

In fact,

The more we can be our own authentic self,

Following our joys,

Our desires,

Our passions,

The healthy ones,

That's how we participate.

Doing our own personal growth work,

Facing our fears,

Resolving our unresolved emotional issues from the past so we can be more present to participate.

And each of those things,

Following our joy,

Facing our fear,

Each of those is like a little surrender.

Surrender can actually bring profound healing.

I had a friend a few years back who got diagnosed with stage four cancer.

He gave him six months or a year to live,

And he had been profoundly unhappy for a long time.

He owned his own construction company.

He was way overworked,

Totally stressed.

He was in a terrible marriage,

And he did all the treatments the doctors told him.

He also started to do Chinese medicine,

And he really became willing to change his life.

And he was in the business with his brother,

And he said,

I can't do this work anymore.

And he quit.

And he realized that the marriage was making him sick too,

And he divorced the terrible wife.

And he's been cancer-free for over 10 years.

And I've watched the consequences over the years of many people unable to surrender.

Think about my friend Bobby.

Over and over,

Relapse after relapse,

Back into booze and drugs.

And the last relapse killed him.

He was unable to let it go.

And although I certainly have a practice of trying to let things go and to ask for divine will and guidance in my life,

Surrender is a little bit more of a drastic measure.

Maybe that's why we associate surrender with the losing side on a war.

Because surrender for me often does seem tied with my actual survival.

And I'm trying to hold my life together in one way or another,

Fighting for my life.

But what I'm doing is a losing battle.

And when I can admit defeat and surrender,

Again,

That's when that grace of God can come in,

In mysterious ways,

It's wonders to perform.

And so I encourage you to let go.

And if you've been struggling and struggling and it's not working,

Maybe it's time to surrender.

And let divine will,

Which has our highest good in mind,

Take over.

And when we can grow to align ourself with that flow,

Amazing things seem to happen,

Appear,

And unfold.

And I wish that grace for you.

Thank you so much for listening.

Blessings on your path until we meet again.