How To Build And Maintain A Strong Relationship

If you put yourself first,

It's really selfish.

Well,

It's actually completely the other way around.

If you don't put yourself first,

Then you put the responsibility on others to make you happy.

And that is selfish.

Welcome to another episode in our interview series about achieving success and fulfillment through self-mastery.

And today's conversation is about relationships.

How do you define a relationship?

Relationship is when two people interact together.

That can be a love relationship,

That can be a mother and a son,

Two brothers together,

Or just friends,

Or even your colleagues.

So it's when you have an interaction with another human being.

And basically,

We cannot avoid to have human contact.

We have so many people on the planet,

Everywhere we go,

Except if you live on a deserted island,

You have contact with other human beings.

So we have relationships with a lot of people around us,

Like with our partner,

Friends,

Family.

What are some aspects about a relationship,

A healthy relationship?

Well,

There are a lot of things to say about it,

Like the values that you have,

Et cetera,

To have that together.

But one of the crucial aspects that helped me the most in a relationship,

And I think I kept seeing that with other people,

Is turning the expectations that we have into agreements.

And this sounds really simple,

But every time you're in a relationship with someone,

You kind of expect the other person to meet different criteria,

Right?

If it's a colleague,

You expect to do this and that.

If it's your partner,

You want them to be there for you,

Et cetera.

So we always have different expectations about the other person.

Now,

An expectation is very biased by itself because the other person doesn't know about it.

This is just your internal desires in the way you want the other person to show up.

But it has never been agreed upon.

And so one of the key distinctions is that you need to turn these expectations into agreements.

When you do that,

You actually take the time to communicate with the other person,

To share what you expect from them,

And they agree or not,

And then you can create an agreement.

When it's an agreement,

You can keep track of this agreement,

If it's working out or not,

And we are just course.

When you stay with the expectation,

It's like it's frustrating you because the other person doesn't do what you expect the person to do,

But it was never agreed upon.

So you cannot hold the person responsible based on the expectations.

Well,

You can't do that based on an agreement.

And this is why this is a key aspect of relationship is to turn all those expectations that you have into clear agreements that both people in the relationship agree on.

Okay,

So how do you do this with a relationship that's not going really well?

Like there are some conflicts.

How do you set expectations?

Or how do you create agreements with people that you're not really aligned with?

I think if we go to the root of the problem is that people say it's a communication problem.

And yeah,

True.

But even more than that,

Mostly it's listening issues.

In a relationship,

People don't really take the time to listen to the other person.

We make immediate assumptions,

We distort reality based on our own perception,

And we think for the other,

Right?

And that creates a lot of tension because it's usually not accurate.

Now,

If we have a look at love relationships,

What is a really important thing to remember?

Well,

I think one of the first is that we tend to put the responsibility on the other person to make us happy,

Right?

I don't know how many times I heard that and how many times I thought that myself,

Hoping the other person is going to make me happy and putting all the responsibility on them.

But it's not really fair because no one is responsible for your own happiness.

You are the only person who can actually do that.

And,

Okay,

There's this kind of bullshit thing that says,

Like,

If you put yourself first,

It's really selfish.

Well,

It's actually completely the other way around.

If you don't put yourself first,

Then you put a responsibility on others to make you happy.

And that is selfish itself,

Right?

So I think when two people get in a love relationship,

It's really important to remember the other person is not there to make me happy.

I need to make myself happy and the person in front of me can support me doing that.

They are just the support and not the responsible,

Right?

So it's very important to know what does make you happy and do more of that and have the support on the other person for you to keep doing those things so you can create more happiness.

So going with that,

It's important when we start a relationship that all core values are aligning because if the things that makes me happy are so,

So different from the things that makes you happy and I can never do those things with you or at least a little bit of it.

It's like,

Let's say two circles.

This is what you love doing.

This is what I love doing.

And if the intersection is too little,

It's really difficult on the long term to keep maintaining this healthy relationship because you inevitably start growing apart.

And so your core values should be a guide when you start your relationship and see is that aligning together and we can really commit to create something beautiful.

If it's not aligning,

It can be love,

But in the future,

That's going to create some sort of conflict.

An example is that I value adventure over certainty and comfort.

If my partner would not have the same values and valuing more comfort and certainty over adventure and freedom,

It's going to create conflict,

Right?

One person is going to feel so good staying home in this little bubble of comfort and certainty and the other one is going to,

Ah,

Just free spirit.

I want to go travel the world,

Et cetera.

And yes,

We can do separate things,

But if there is not enough in common of the other person is compromising or sacrificing in a way his own well-being for the other person,

This has a certain limit.

So actually the best question when you meet a new person that you think,

Oh,

That could be my partner for life should be the first question,

What are your values?

Are we aligned?

And then we move on,

Yes or no.

But in real life,

A lot of times,

I don't think it's happening like this.

You meet a person,

You feel really connected with this person and then after a while,

You notice that there is like some issues,

Conflicts arising and you figure this out,

Like the intersection is not big enough.

Yeah,

So if you really listen to the person in front of you,

If you're really present in the first dates that you have,

You can actually,

Everything the other person says gives you information about the way they see the world and their beliefs.

So when you're there and fully present and you look at the body language,

You try to understand the words behind the words,

You try to understand why is the person saying that,

You start really understanding the way they think and you quickly see what's important to them.

The problem is that in those dates,

We usually try to impress,

We try to be interesting instead of to be very present and authentic and that creates problem because if you play a role in this first moment and maybe the person in front of you is falling in love with that role that you're playing,

Later,

It's not going to work.

So,

I mean,

You're setting yourself up for failure in the long term,

It might work in the short term,

But this is not real.

Now,

Don't take me wrong either because we can grow,

We all grow,

Right?

But our core values,

Usually they stay the same.

If you think about those three core values,

You kind of keep them for your whole life and so I think it's very important to get clear on that and yes,

Listen to the cues and you can really figure out what is the other person all about.

So what if you figure that out now?

You're in a relationship,

Maybe you're even married already,

You're in it for a long term commitment and you listen to this and you figure out,

Ooh,

We don't have enough in common,

Our values are different.

Divorce?

Well,

Can you grow together?

Is the other person willing to actually do things to change?

This is the number one thing.

If the other person is not willing to close,

Like finish,

Like,

I mean,

It's a waste of time.

Now,

There is this belief in society that people should stay together forever.

You get married or whatever and it's bad to divorce because it's what other people are going to think of you,

People are going to judge me,

Etc.

To me,

It's really,

It's BS.

Seriously,

Because when you're in a relationship together,

It's really walking a part of the journey of life together and being there for each other.

If it does not make sense anymore,

Why would you do that?

Why would you keep going and keep suffering through?

I mean,

You say,

Yeah,

I have kids,

I cannot,

It's dramatic for the kids and yeah,

It's really unfortunate that this would happen if you split up and you have children.

But think of it,

Would you rather have a dad that is completely unhappy every day and a mom that is fighting every day?

You have this tension in the household or the parent is separating and actually really happy and really dare to give all their love that they have for the children.

So I think it's very important to be able to make other decisions and say like,

If it doesn't make sense anymore,

Let's split up and let's have a conscious uncoupling.

Let's have a conversation between grownups and really decide together why it does not work anymore and how can we still be the best for each other while not being in a love relationship anymore.

All right?

Yeah.

Okay,

And now I want to move back from love relationships to colleagues or the boss.

A lot of times these relationships are filled with,

I don't know,

Tense expectation we talked about already,

Expectations versus agreements,

But these are relationships you're confronted with every day and some of them are not really working.

How do you deal in a situation when you want to invest in the relationship but this other person is not changing?

They don't seem to understand what you're trying to do and if you're trying to build this healthy relationship together and they seem to just keep going and doing whatever they were doing.

Yeah,

So there is another distinction is like what you desire is not always what other people desire.

And I think it's important to remember that we cannot know for other people.

We cannot put our own agenda into others.

Right?

If someone is not interested in building a deeper relationship,

You try your best.

It doesn't work.

It doesn't work.

Right?

Must be a sign,

Must be a red flag that for later maybe it's not working on the long term.

I think investing in your relationship is an investment.

That's the word I use because it's only great.

No,

You cannot invest in all relationships that you have in your life.

You're going to have to prioritize some over the other.

Right?

We have a finite amount of time in our life and we cannot just do everything that we want.

We need to make peace with time and realize,

Okay,

I want to invest my time in certain relationships.

Why?

Because they help me move forward.

They're supporting me,

They're inspiring me and those are the relationships that you really need to focus on.

So it's about choosing this relationship very carefully.

And when you decide to invest in one relationship is to understand if you only want to benefit from this relationship and you don't think about what is in it for the other person,

That's not going to go well.

Then it's really like take,

Take,

Take and never giving.

If you're giving as much as you take in a relationship,

It just grows together.

It grows well.

But the problem is that often people just want to take.

This person can help me get a promotion or this person can help me make more money,

Be more famous,

Whatever it is.

And then we want to invest in this relationship for our own benefit.

But that just doesn't really work like this.

It's about creating a win-win situation for all the people involved in the relationship and helping this win grow for each party.

So there's this famous book.

I think a lot of people have read it about the love languages.

Can you address that?

Because I think that's serving really well this whole topic about relationships.

Yeah,

So this book from Gary Chapman,

The Five Love Languages,

Is a really powerful book that helps you to understand how you give love and how you want to receive love.

And this is so essential to actually understand that about yourself and about the people in your life because only then you know how to show up with other people.

Right?

So in the different love languages,

My way of expressing love is by doing act of service.

I really love to help other people.

I really love to serve others.

And that's the way that makes me feel good and share the love.

Now,

You,

My wife,

You,

For example,

Like to have physical touch.

So it creates unfulfillment if every time I show my love in act of service and you don't feel love because what you just want is a physical touch.

And so understanding this is really powerful to be able to be there for other people and also let them know what is your way of communicating love and adapting your behavior so they feel love based on what they need.

That must not be easy.

That's obviously very complicated.

It's not natural.

Exactly.

So we have this behavior this instinctive behavior that we do.

And for me,

I don't have to think.

I love a person.

I start doing more act of service to help that person.

That comes naturally.

Now,

If the other person just wants to receive gift or word of appreciation,

They're never going to feel the love that I have for them.

And that's why it's not easy because it first starts with a conversation with this person and turning,

Once again,

Those expectations into agreement.

If a person wants to have word of affirmation to feel love,

They need to clearly communicate that to the other person.

Right?

And then,

Even if you know,

It doesn't mean that you're going to behave like this because it's not automatic.

So I think it's important to create this routine or this agreement that we're going to keep communicating the way we want to receive love.

Well,

This sounds really easy when the relationship is going well.

But we all have this natural ups and downs.

And when you're in a place that you're maybe in self-doubt yourself or you are just a bit off or overwhelmed with work and sometimes it just doesn't go.

Are there any tips for how to deal with those moments of conflicts or situations that it just doesn't flow as easy and communication doesn't just work?

Yeah.

Two things.

The first thing I want to say is don't treat people the way you want to be treated.

This is something like don't do to others what you don't want others to do to you.

Yes,

Of course.

But if you treat people the way you want to be treated,

This is very selfish.

You need to treat people the way they want to be treated.

So that was the first point.

The second thing is when we are a bit more emotional,

Whatever happened today makes me feel sad,

Anxious,

Overwhelmed,

Whatever,

We are not able to really think rationally.

And so in those moments when we feel too emotional,

We kind of don't say what we should be saying or we don't mean the words.

I don't know.

I think everybody can relate to that saying something like,

Well,

I should never have said that or I should never have done that.

We go too far because we cannot think rationally anymore.

So I think every time we arrive in this situation when we feel a bit too emotional,

It's so important to step away from any situation,

Any conflict or any heated conversation.

Take the time to go back to yourself,

To breathe a bit,

To re-center,

To relax,

To release the stress and then have a conversation.

So it's really helping you instead of talking at each other,

It's talking with each other and that's a big difference.

And so how do you set boundaries and take care of yourself in relationships?

It's not selfish to take care of yourself first.

If you don't,

It doesn't work.

Just to use this,

Again,

Example of the mask,

The oxygen mask in the plane,

You always put it on yourself first so you can help others after.

If you're not 100% good with who you are,

It's really difficult to be there for others.

And that's something that people think the other way around because somehow it feels like selfish,

But it's not.

It's really not.

It's a metaphor that says,

Do you know to which organ the heart is pumping blood first in the human body?

To itself.

Because if it does not,

It cannot do its job to irrigate all the other organs.

So this is as crucial.

If you don't take care of yourself,

Then you start putting the responsibility of others to make you happy because you feel miserable.

And then you're always there for other people then you realize,

I'm so unfulfilled,

I'm so miserable.

But it's actually your own responsibility.

So it has to be on top of your list.

And going with this,

So many people take the time to plan and to strategize their professional life,

But they don't take the time to do the same with their personal life.

And it deserves equal amount of time,

Even more actually.

If you want to perform well in every area of life,

You need to put yourself first.

You need to take care of your health,

Of your sleep,

Of your nutrition,

Of your well-being,

Of relaxation,

Of all the self-care practices.

And then you can show up as your best for everything,

All the things.

Yeah,

And you're talking now the whole time about happiness in combination with relationship.

What do relationship,

What is the importance of that to achieve success and fulfillment?

Well,

Your relationships are using so much of your time every single day.

So you're interacting with others.

They either lift you up or drag you down or neutral.

So cultivating a healthy relationship is so important for your well-being,

It's important to help you when you feel a little bit low.

You have people that are there to support you.

When you feel excited,

You have people to cheer with you,

To celebrate with you.

Your relationships are highly influencing the quality of your life.

And so if you want to reach success and fulfillment in your life,

You cannot avoid,

You cannot ignore the relationship that you have.