Relaxation As A Way Of Life

When was the last time that you felt truly relaxed?

When did you feel calm and peace in your heart,

In your being?

When was that?

Was it recently or was it a long time ago?

Just see if you can recollect.

I'm not asking this question from a place of being some relaxation saint.

I'm asking it from a place of curiosity and also a reminder and an invitation for myself as well.

In this world there's so much noise and poisonous information that is antithetical to relaxation and some of that is based on survival needs and survival fears and some other pieces of it are based on messages,

Layers,

Ideas,

Ideals that are put on us.

But I think most of it,

Including what I just said,

Is ultimately unnecessary.

And the process of coming into yourself I think is a process of shedding.

All of the things that are antithetical to being relaxed in your life.

Because life is not a thing that happens in the future.

It's not a thing that we get to do eventually.

It's not a destination.

And that's kind of obvious and clear but the actual practice of that is difficult.

Because if I ask you,

When was the last time you relaxed?

And you're like,

Never.

What kind of a BS question is that?

It's not meant to be a thing that instills guilt but it often is.

Because maybe the guilt and maybe the frustration that comes up when contemplating,

Do I ever get to relax?

Is a sense of futility and a sense of disempowerment or being in this position where making those changes where life would become about being relaxed,

Where that would be the primary value or one of the primary values.

Contemplating the change that would be required to make that number one is too much.

And I get that because changing things that are very familiar and comfortable even if they are ultimately toxic,

That's the inner work bit that's often so hard to get into.

And what I've seen is that there are these parts of us who I suppose compel us to operate from a place of tension and striving and just getting by and ultimately dissociation.

Because that is their coping strategy.

That's their survival strategy for us.

And you have to admit that they do do a decent job.

They assist in our getting by.

It's a provisional and adaptive strategy for getting through life is the strategy of being on,

Turning on,

Dissociating,

Gripping,

Striving,

Being stimulated,

Seeking more information.

And it gets us by.

And I think not always the case,

But often these parts are protecting something else underneath,

Which is a feeling of exhaustion,

Feeling of pain or fear,

A feeling of,

I'm actually done with this.

Thank you very much.

I'm completely done and I have nothing left to give.

And those are all feelings that are pretty inconvenient when you have a million dollar mortgage and two or three kids and a career and that's going well,

Supposedly on the outside,

You know,

And things are,

Are working and,

And saying that you are happy is what is required of you to continue moving forward and to continue staying alive.

So that's how I see us getting tied up in knots and the idea of being able to relax and prioritize coming into life and being in life as a way of being rather than something that is just characterized by a linear progression of doings.

Which continue to keep us dissociated and exhausted.

Coming into being will require such a radical refusal and transformation.

There's a $10 word for you.

It will require such a end of the line moment that for many people,

They have to wait until you know,

The classic 42,

43,

44 age,

That seems to be a very important age for end of the line moments.

If it doesn't get you there,

Then it will be maybe closer to 50 or maybe closer to 60.

But there are these little milestones where the end of the line is offered as an invitation and often it's refused because it is again,

Too much,

Too much to bear,

Too much feeling,

Too much to sit with,

Too much to be confronted by,

Including the grief of having gone through life unrelaxed for so long and what that indicates about what has been lost and what has been missed through this life that we have done rather than lived.

Recently,

I got this image of caffeine as a little piece of armor or a space pod or a little packet that we put ourselves into to get through the little space of the day and all of the things that it supposedly requires of us.

And caffeine has been something that I have used as an armor or as a protection.

And so that's,

I think,

Why that image came to me.

But what if we went through life without that?

I've thought to myself,

What is the paradigm or the story that says that caffeine,

For example,

Is required to have a quote-unquote good day?

Even though I enjoy and do take pleasure in the taste of caffeinated warm beverages,

There's still the underlying story that's just up for turning up in the light,

Turning around in the light of consciousness.

Is this really required?

And is this contributing to a life of relaxation?

And I can already hear the David Goggins voices that say that we have to stay hard,

We have to get things done from this steely position.

And I don't see the contradiction between quote-unquote getting things done and being relaxed,

Right?

I think that one can be very present and fluid and have things flow through you.

That's what's happening now as I am recording this.

So there's a different way of being that I'm interested in,

That I'm curious in.

And that's why I suppose my invitation to you is to just have as an open question in your open palm,

What is my capacity to relax?

What story am I telling about my ability to,

Or probably even more accurately,

My allowance of being relaxed?

Am I allowed to be relaxed?

If I am relaxed,

Will everything fall apart?

Would that be a bad thing?

Maybe a hypothesis,

An experiment to run?

If I relax more,

Will things fall apart?

Or what will happen?

How do we relax anyways,

Right?

When I worked with ketamine-assisted therapy clients,

I would often ask them,

What do you do or how do you relax?

And it would often elicit blank faces.

And again,

This is not coming from a high mountain of relaxation,

A relaxation saint.

That would be a good Instagram handle,

By the way.

But it's coming from just like a cultural question for all of us,

For myself.

Because again,

Life is for being and not for doing.

Life is for enjoying.

Life is for feeling vivid presence and joy of just being a real deep,

Grounded being where it feels good to just be you in every moment.

What a concept.

I feel that that is the goal.

It's not even the right word,

But that is the invitation.

And what I find is that we can't do relaxing,

Which I think is why I would find that blank faces would be elicited from that question of my clients,

Because we don't do relaxation.

And so that's why it's so hard often to switch from our doing mode to being mode if we're in this binary state of living life.

And I think the invitation,

Once you get to a certain point is what if,

What if doing is actually the issue?

And what if being is actually what's on offer?

So,

How do you be?

Are you allowed to be?

If you be,

What voice comes up?

Do you believe this voice?

Whose voice is it?

Are you satisfied with having this voice be here?

Do you feel obligated to it?

If so,

Why?

Do you feel it would be taboo to disregard this voice or basically no longer pay attention to it?

Similarly,

Externalizing the voice,

Do you feel that disabusing yourself of news and any media accounts,

People,

Ideas,

Stimulation,

Substances that keep you unrelaxed in a state of tension?

Do you feel that disabusing yourself of those things is somehow that's for other people?

Other people are allowed to do that,

But not you?

Do you feel that you are bound by obligation,

Duty and responsibility to be in this state of hyper arousal?

Just allow these ideas or questions to percolate.

And if there's any space that opens up in you around,

Well,

Actually,

You know what,

I would like to be more relaxed that that actually is something that I,

I,

I would like that.

Yes.

Know that it is a possibility for you.

And I think that ultimately,

This conversation is about self love and self valuing.

And the more that you find that,

That ground,

You will naturally prioritize relaxation and way of being because self love and self regard.

It's just,

It is relaxation.

It's just like,

I'm here.

Here I am.

It's nice.

It's nice to just hear stillness inside and to be here.

And the more that self love can be invited,

The more naturally you will prioritize things that help you feel calm or relaxed.

And the more easily you will let go of the things that get in the way of that.