Dear Grief Guide, I Don't Know What To Do On My Birthday

Hello and welcome to Dear Grief Guide,

A podcast where each week I answer one anonymous letter from a listener feeling lost,

Stuck,

Heartbroken,

Or overwhelmed in the midst of grief.

My name is Shelby Forsythia.

I'm a grief coach and author,

And I'm here to help you create a life you love from the life loss forced you to live.

Let's get to today's letter.

Dear Grief Guide,

It's been six months since my twin brother Rick died suddenly while he was away on vacation,

And the presence of his absence feels as fresh as ever.

My brother and I were practically inseparable for most of our lives,

Sharing that almost creepy twin bond that went beyond words.

We were together growing up,

Only spending college apart,

And just recently moved our families within 20 minutes of each other.

I've gone from seeing him almost every weekend to not seeing him at all,

And needless to say,

It's been really tough.

His sudden death has turned my world upside down.

It feels weird and disorienting to exist in the world without him.

There's no one who knew me like he did,

No one with the same shared history,

And while my wife laughs at my jokes,

There was really nothing like getting a laugh out of Rick.

Our shared birthday is coming up in July,

And to be honest,

I'm dreading it.

How do I celebrate when he's not here to celebrate with me?

Our birthday was always a special day.

As kids,

We'd wear matching outfits and all our friends would come over for a barbecue.

Even as adults,

We continued the matching outfit tradition just to mess with people and make ourselves laugh.

The thought of celebrating without him feels unbearable.

I don't want to see 39 while he's stuck forever at 38.

I can't imagine getting older all by myself.

It might sound strange,

But it feels like it's against the rules of the universe for me to cross this milestone alone.

I'd be grateful for any ideas you have.

It seems like all of our family and friends are looking to me to decide what should happen on that day,

And there's nothing I can think of that doesn't make me feel sad.

Sincerely,

O Brother.

Hi there,

O Brother.

My heart hurts for you because as I have learned in the grief space,

Every loss is hard for different reasons,

But the loss of a sibling,

Especially the loss of a twin,

Is especially profound.

This is a person that you were literally conceived with.

Your origin story follows the same track.

You were born out of the same central beginnings.

Just acknowledging how hard it is not just to lose a brother,

But to lose a twin.

I feel like that's not often talked about in the grief space.

I get this question quite often of what on earth do I do on a big day,

Like a birthday or an anniversary or a death day or an occasion,

And the thing I have to tell you is that milestones are almost always hard.

They just are.

There is no wrapping in bubble wrap or soft padding a day that pretty much guaranteed has some measure of awfulness to it.

I talked about in one of my other podcasts called Grief Seeds about what I call the 99% grief rule of where in a milestone prior to a loss,

You may have said or described yourself as happy or joyful or celebratory or awestruck,

But in life after loss,

There's always the presence of at least 1% of grief in what you're feeling.

So yes,

You may be feeling celebratory,

But that celebration might be felt at 99% because there's always at least 1% grief in your emotional landscape,

In the room of what you're feeling.

And for a lot of grieving people,

Giving themselves permission for that 1% grief to exist in the room or on the day helps them make more space for it and acknowledge all the other feelings that are taking up all the other emotional percentages in the room.

So maybe as this birthday approaches,

You can say,

Yeah,

I'm going to expect to feel at least 1% grief,

Maybe as high as 50%,

60%,

80%,

99% grief.

And I will be feeling 3% joy and 10% nostalgia and 20% exhaustion.

Let's get this day over with already.

Whatever occurs to you,

Just making room for the fact that no matter what milestones come your way in the future,

Sad and celebratory,

Planned and unplanned,

Expected and unexpected,

There will be always forever now,

At least 1% grief in your emotional landscape.

And it's not necessarily sorrow.

Grief can show up as remembrance or nostalgia or longing.

It's not always sadness and despondency.

It may be on this first one for you.

But I know for me,

As we've just recently crossed Mother's Day here in the United States,

My 1% grief looks a lot like aching.

It's not despair or hopelessness,

Which it very much was in the early days,

I had to walk across a graduation stage on Mother's Day,

Just five months after my mother's death.

And the despair of that and the lostness I felt,

That grief was over 80% of what I felt that day.

Yes,

I was proud of what I'd accomplished.

Yes,

I was relieved to be done with school.

Yes,

I was looking forward to what came next.

But that was about 20% of what I was feeling,

80% of the things that I carried that day were grief.

And so I wonder if it could help you and maybe even help your family.

If you share this podcast episode with them to acknowledge that this birthday,

This first one in particular,

The day will contain at least 1% grief and give you all room to talk about it with each other.

The practical tip I want to offer you is one that I often share in Life After Loss Academy when people say,

What do I do?

What should I do on a big death day or anniversary?

And that's to make a list.

This can go for Mother's Day.

This can go for birthdays.

This can go for death days,

Anniversaries,

Holiday season,

Any significant milestone that you can see coming.

And you're like,

I got to do something.

I want to do something.

My soul or my grief,

My heart needs to do something.

But I do not know where to start.

In part because we have no idea how we're going to feel on the day.

So much of the anxiety of anticipating a grief date is not knowing how we're going to wake up feeling,

What we're actually going to have the energy to do.

And that's why I always encourage making a list.

So if you can,

I recommend setting a timer for 5 minutes,

10 minutes,

Something short.

And on a piece of paper,

Start with the very smallest act or commemoration you could do on this birthday.

It could be laying horizontal in your bed all day,

Looking at pictures of Rick and remembering past birthdays together,

Not moving from that spot.

Maybe a step up from that is watching one of Rick's favorite movies.

You've relocated to the couch now.

And you are watching one of Rick's favorite movies with your family.

A step above that,

Add snacks,

Add a food component.

A step above that,

Invite people over to do this with you.

You kind of see where I'm going here is add more,

Add more,

Add more.

And you can jump around in this list.

You don't have to start from the bottom and build up.

You might think,

Oh,

In a dream world,

I would love to dress in clothing that he and I were planning to wear together in July.

I'd love to host a barbecue at my home.

I would love it if everybody came.

That's the grandest of the grand.

And we all tell stories about him together,

And we eat his favorite foods,

And we sing happy birthday,

And we buy a whole other cake just for him,

Whatever it is that would make the day feel special,

Go all out.

And you can start from there also,

And then subtract.

Ditch the cake.

Ditch the snacks.

Ditch the matching outfit.

Ditch the photo spread on the dining room table.

Ditch some people that you may have invited but aren't as close family friends.

Do this ritual by yourself before a party even begins.

You see what I'm getting at is like,

How do you do the bare bones very least and add more?

How do you do the all out very most and subtract less?

And give yourself a list,

I'd say,

Of at least 10 to 15 options of like,

Here's what I can do to remember my brother and to honor our birthday together on that day.

And then put it away.

Don't do anything with it.

And then a week out from your birthday,

See how you're feeling.

Look at that list again,

Pull it out,

See what starts to feel good.

See what feels doable for the time,

Space,

Energy,

Bandwidth that you have right now.

Especially if you feel like you'd like to invite people.

Three days out,

Do the same thing.

Night before,

Maybe do the same thing.

And see what's possible.

And then morning of,

Know that you have all of these options pre-planned that you've made available to yourself.

If I have a ton of energy,

We'll go to one of his favorite places,

We'll have a barbecue,

Everyone's gonna come,

We'll all wear matching shirts together,

We'll sing a song,

We'll get a cake,

Do the whole thing.

And if you're not,

Lovingly,

You can say,

This is my first year without him,

I know I invited everybody,

I just need to call it off,

If we could all say something really nice about him on social media today,

That's as much as I can muster.

I'm so sorry,

Let's try again next year.

And hope that they get it,

That they understand,

And then spend the day lying horizontal in bed,

Looking at pictures of Rick,

And remembering past birthdays together,

Because that's the energy and the bandwidth that you have.

This practice of giving yourself a buffet of options to choose from,

On a really important day,

Can take off the pressure of needing to create a new tradition and establish that forever and ever into the future,

Amen.

It can take the pressure off of feeling like you have to commit to something right now,

And then not being able to cancel it,

Minimize it,

Subtract from it,

Back out of it,

Day of,

And it also releases you of the burden of needing to be creative on a day where you may not have the energy to do so.

So we're a little bit ahead of July right now,

I encourage you to do this even while you listen to this podcast,

And then come up with,

Again,

10 to 15 ideas of what you could do on his birthday,

Your birthday.

And then a week out,

Three days out,

The night before,

Just take a look at this list and ask yourself very honestly,

Maybe with your family members,

Maybe with your wife and kids,

What feels doable?

What feels exciting to us,

As much as grief can feel exciting?

What feels possible?

What feels like just enough,

Or maybe even under just enough?

Because there will be a whole host of emotions coming your way that day,

And making room for them is very important too.

And this is the last thing I'll say,

If you commit to something big,

If you commit to doing something grand,

With a lot of people invited in a public space,

No matter what,

Plan some sort of escape,

Or some sort of break,

Or some sort of pause,

Either in the middle of the event,

Or at the beginning,

Or at the end,

Some cushion that you can guarantee he'd look forward to.

Set a timer,

Phone a friend,

Have them call you away from,

You know,

The hustle and bustle of it all,

So that you can take a breath in the middle of all of it,

Just to touch base with your heart and soul,

And to say,

We are doing this,

I am doing this,

It is possible to do this.

You don't want to,

You don't want to see this day,

You don't want to keep being alive when he's not here to keep being alive with you.

And you are,

And you must,

We all do,

After devastating loss,

We don't want to cross these milestones without our people,

And yet we do.

Grief is rewriting the rules of your universe,

But the cool part about that,

And the reason I'm mentioning the list,

And the 1% grief rule,

Is that you get to rewrite the rules of the universe too.

This is not grief coming in and saying,

I'm in charge now,

And I'm rewriting your entire future based on my existence.

If you're willing,

And if you tune into your grief in a way that feels collaborative,

And nourishing,

And participatory,

You can rewrite the rules of your universe with grief.

You can bring Rick with you.

He may not age,

But my God,

You can bring him with you.

He has a birthday too,

Just as much as you have a birthday.

I am wishing you so much love,

And,

Oh,

I want to say this before we go.

Instead of saying,

Have a happy birthday,

Because so many people will lob that your way on your birthday,

I'm remembering the wise and funny words of my friend and death doula A.

Lua Arthur,

Who simply says,

Have a birthday.

Remove that pressure to be happy,

Remove the pressure to feel joy,

Or have that show up as a part of your 100% emotional landscape that day.

Simply have a birthday.

You can even ask your family to say this to you,

Instead of saying,

Happy birthday.

Have a birthday.

Have a birthday.

I will.

I am.

No matter what,

You will have a birthday.

It may not be a happy one.

It probably won't be,

And I don't wish that on you.

That's not a curse I'm bestowing upon you.

It's a reality of that first.

Oh my gosh,

Oh brother,

I am wishing you a birthday.

May you have a birthday,

And may you know that Rick has a birthday too.