106. 4 Easy Fixes: How To Overcome Challenges

If one chooses not to practice really embracing the messy,

Really enjoying or learning to enjoy the process,

Especially when the outcome is ambiguous,

Then you spend all your days fighting or in discomfort or blaming or self-sabotaging and then that is your life.

Welcome to our final summer episode of Spiritually Hungry.

It's been fun.

It's been fast.

It's been real.

Summer is a lot more fun when you're a kid.

You sound so grumpy.

I think so.

I'm not grumpy.

I'm very happy.

I actually.

.

.

I remember looking forward to summer when you're a kid,

But you know there's literally nothing you have to do as an adult.

You still have responsibilities.

Well,

It's called work-life balance,

I guess.

Yes.

Any of you were saying?

What's been your favorite part of summer?

Scotland,

English countryside,

Spending time with friends and family.

Scotland for the whiskey.

Awesome.

Do you want to know my favorite part of it?

Sure.

All of it.

Ha ha.

Scotland,

The English countryside,

The ocean,

Sand on my feet,

Walking barefoot,

Watching sunsets,

Long nights.

I can go on and on.

We should do a whole episode.

Maybe.

But we're not going to talk about that today.

Today we are going to talk about four ways to solve all of your problems.

Four.

Wow.

All of them?

Come on.

Where's your sarcasm?

And he says,

No,

No,

No.

I believe it.

I think it just needs like one thing.

Oh,

No.

It's not a one-size-fits-all.

We're going to go through the list of problems.

It's just the four solutions.

No,

I'm definitely not doing that.

That's what we do all day long.

So people seek us often to talk about their feelings,

Especially when they're in heightened emotional states and they feel overwhelmed and they think they're about five minutes away of a death sentence or lifelong imprisonment.

Everything feels like it's the end of the world.

And I think mostly unexpected troubles when things come up suddenly,

That's when they kind of throw us off the most.

But also when- Or chronically.

But I think- Yeah,

It's obviously a bad relationship and it's coming to a head or things like that.

It's like the crisis with their children.

Right,

But it's usually something that happens that's more intense,

Right?

If you already,

If somebody has a poor relationship and then they find that this- We know enough people that have- Cheated.

Years.

No,

No,

I'm just going to say years and years are the same problem,

But it's always- Also.

Or something with the kid suddenly comes up.

It's those kinds of things.

Why?

Because we tend to feel- A list of troubles that are long.

Well,

We tend to feel overwhelmed and that we have no power over what's happening.

So it could be a financial hardship,

A career change,

Falling out of a new diet plan or an exercise routine.

Basically I think it's that feeling of helplessness.

What's that cheeky smile about?

I'm not sure that those are in the same category.

It depends who you are.

I guess.

It depends where you place value.

Also true.

In life.

So basically we've heard of every kind of problem and often it feels dire.

And again,

I think that there are obviously there are levels,

Right?

We feel out of control if one of our parents gets sick,

Let's say,

Right?

We get to rush to Los Angeles,

My father,

Right?

You just get these moments of you are overwhelmed or it's unknown territory like losing a parent or losing anything for that matter,

A child,

A job,

Whatever it is.

I think it's those unexpected moments because we have a plan.

We have an idea of what we think life will be.

And then when it turns out to not be the way we thought and then all these other things we never even thought about happen,

That's just like,

What is this thing called life?

And I had to actually talk with somebody today and she was she's turning 40 and she's like,

Wait,

What's my life been about?

And I guess that's what you might call a midlife crisis.

But I don't think I think it's just you get to a certain stage in life where you're not pulled into things,

Right?

Like building a home or starting a career or starting a family.

And then there's this space that you find yourself in where it's kind of like,

OK,

Well,

What have I been doing so far?

Right.

So there's a few ways.

And I think that can help in those situations.

The first,

Which I love,

Is called radical accountability,

Which means don't look when you find yourself in that situation,

Like I just explained with the person I'm speaking with for who you can blame.

It's about really looking at the state of your life and stopping and saying,

How did I get here?

I mean,

I spoke to somebody else today,

Too,

And they're getting a divorce.

And it was at his wanting.

Right.

And he's like,

I just don't know how we got here.

I'm like,

I can tell you what got you here specifically.

Right.

But it's like just radical accountability,

Because I think that when you take responsibility and you you look back at the choices you made,

Then from that place,

You're able to choose something very different.

Right.

And then you were able to take your power back.

And it's not that nobody else was involved in whatever problem that exists.

But the point is that in order to change things moving forward,

You have to accept what your part is and was.

Because of course,

There's always going to be other people involved.

Certainly if you're talking about a relationship or a marriage,

There's always going to be other people who have their part in whatever problem or situation you find yourself in.

I mean,

The key is this.

But the more important part is that when you're finding your part,

Then you can actually change it and you can change yourself and have a different outcome or a different situation moving forward.

Well,

There will always be outside factors or contributors.

But the question I think that everybody needs to ask themselves is who is keeping this alive?

Something may have happened to you and somebody else may have been involved.

But who is keeping that process?

Who's who's continuing to live their lives in the same way that's creating certain situations?

And even if it's out of your control or you didn't create it,

Well,

Still,

It's your responsibility to find a way out and to find something else.

And you always have a part.

That's the point.

You always have a part.

And that part you can change and that part you can control.

And I think that we berate ourselves so much.

Like if we let's say even if we do take responsibility,

Right.

Let's say we forgot to pay.

Well,

There's a very big difference between taking responsibility and beating yourself up.

OK.

But to many,

It's gray and blurry.

So for instance,

If one of the things let's say you forgot to pay a bill or whatever,

You forgot something and you're like,

How could I do that?

I'm so stupid.

What's wrong with me?

Well,

Why don't you pause and say,

OK,

What was I so preoccupied with?

Was it negative thinking?

Was it something else that somebody else pulled me into that it's really not important to me?

You will always find the cause or the root for anything,

Anything in life.

But I'd like to clarify the difference between beating yourself up and taking responsibility is simply a decision or actions or thoughts that will change the present or the future.

Beating yourself up usually just keeps you stuck in the past.

Stuck in the same or in the same pattern.

What we're talking about is coming to the responsibility,

Taking responsibility and coming to understand what is it that I can do different.

Whatever percentage I have in this situation,

What can I do different so that the present and future becomes different?

In order to know what to do differently,

You have to actually look back at your actions.

But,

And that's the key there,

Don't fall into that rut of,

Oh my God,

How did I do that?

And then beat yourself up.

You have to see your actions so you can choose different ones.

The second is you don't have control.

Just as it's important with accountability is the realization that there are things that you have zero power to change.

There's certain things you can't.

For instance,

A diagnosis.

I read something,

I keep quoting this book because I'm so inspired by it,

The Body That Keeps Score.

In one of the chapters,

There was this man who is a war veteran.

He had post-traumatic stress disorder.

He was really struggling with life and he was trying to get help for it.

And then in his 60s,

He developed some kind of disease and it caused for his limbs just to give out,

All kinds of different things.

And what he decided in that moment,

Because he had so much trauma from everything that happened to him and he was really trying to change his life and his outlook,

He decided he was going to get healthier than he's ever been.

He lost a ton of weight.

He started doing yoga.

He loved it so much that it helped with his post-traumatic stress.

And then he started teaching yoga and he was in the best shape of his life.

So yes,

Did he have a disease he didn't have before?

He did,

But he didn't actually feel,

He felt better than he ever had because he started to look at his life a different way and live in a different way.

So I think that in life,

It's not so much what happens to us,

It's our feelings surrounding it and that you do have control over.

You have control over how you react to any given situation.

So that's number two.

As you're saying two separate things.

One is that.

.

.

Two separate but related.

Yes.

One is that accept the things that you don't have any control of and don't,

I guess,

Ruminate about them and worry about them.

Get angry that you can't control changes,

A diagnosis for instance or something.

But find the things that you can control around the situation.

Around that situation.

Right.

For another example,

He would be if a person,

We've had these situations where one person decides they're out of the marriage and the other person is either blindsided by it or surprised by it and therefore they have no control over their partner's emotions at that point.

They want out.

Spending hours thinking back and how did this happen,

Why did this happen would be pointless.

It's happened.

Accept that and don't waste energy,

Mind space on the past.

Or days.

But more importantly,

But what is it now that you can control?

Right?

Certainly you can control your emotions.

You can control where you put your energy right now.

Your reactions,

Your outlook.

Three is ask for help.

And this is a big one.

I think most people are very uncomfortable with this.

And basically it comes down to ego in my opinion.

And I think everybody in this moment should ask themselves if you have a hard time asking for help,

Why is that?

Is it because you don't want to seem incapable,

Let's say?

There's somebody that I was speaking to the other day and she was really struggling.

It was like a whole new routine for her and her family and her kids and she wouldn't ask for help because after all,

That's her job.

And she felt that because that's her only job was to watch the children,

How could she ask for help in that because she didn't feel like she was bringing it up to the table.

So we're so complex and so nuanced.

And we don't even realize how complicated we are,

But it doesn't have to be so difficult.

And I remember I had this tough lesson myself when our youngest Abigail was three months old and I was flying alone from LA to New York and I had a middle row seat and I was breastfeeding.

And I was so uncomfortable on that flight because there was a man to my left,

A woman to my right and I couldn't do anything.

If I wanted to drink something,

If I wanted to change the channel while I was breastfeeding,

I'm holding her and I have this blanket over my head and I'm sweating.

And so at some point,

I had to surrender.

The man to my left was changing the channel,

The woman to my right was helping me with holding the blanket up.

And I was just like,

Surrender,

You're so uncomfortable receiving help.

Well,

This is the perfect opportunity for you to lean into it.

So I think we're all,

You know,

And I think also for some,

They don't want help because whenever they asked for help when they were younger,

There was really a price to pay.

Like,

Oh,

I helped you,

Now it's your turn,

You owe me.

And I think that's part of the reason I avoid,

Or I did avoid receiving help because I was really in that environment very often when I was younger.

Interesting.

And what I would add to that is that spiritually we believe that whatever situation you're in,

There is assistance for it and that the assistance is always there for you.

And I think sometimes maybe people don't ask for help,

But don't look for help is because they might think,

Well,

You know,

If I can't help myself,

Nobody can help me.

When in reality,

It's important to know that if you are in a difficult situation,

The assistance that you need is actually ready for you,

Ready for you,

Prepared for you.

And all you have to do is either search it out or ask.

A thousand percent.

And also to your point,

No issue,

Problem,

Experience that you're having is unique to you.

And it's a person who has had that experience or has been in that situation before.

And you can save yourself a lot of angst if you just surrender and say,

OK,

I'm open to receiving and I want to be part of something that has growth and expansion.

And usually for that to happen,

You can't be in your own little bubble trying to solve your problems and figure it out all by yourself.

The fourth one is change your consciousness,

Which we are all about consciousness,

But obviously we speak about this often.

Everything that happens to you is for your highest good.

Every challenge,

Every setback,

Every failure,

Every problem is an opportunity for growth and learning.

I think a part that we really need to practice very often is trust the process.

The process is the purpose.

I can't tell you how many times I sit with people and they're like,

But how is it going to turn out?

Will I end up with this person?

What's going to be?

And I'm like,

I don't really care and I don't really know.

It's all about learning through the process and really learning about yourself and who you want to be and what you came here to do.

And that's all the messy part of life.

It's never going to be how you started or how you finish it.

And a practice that I find really helpful is appreciation,

Which again,

We talk about a lot,

But it's about being grateful in every moment of every part of the day for everything that happens.

And when you do,

When you find yourself in that space,

It's hard to get into that victim mentality or that blame because it's just like,

I'm just so grateful that I was able to wake up today.

I'm so grateful that I was able to walk independently.

I'm so grateful that I could put aspects of things I love in my day,

Even if you work all the time,

But that you could choose to eat something you really enjoy or to meet with a friend that you really like or to take a bath if you wanted.

I think we have so much freedom that we just take everything for granted for a lot of the goodness that life has to offer.

I would only add that,

Yes,

You're talking about changing consciousness.

And so one example you gave is to accept or to shift your consciousness from how is this going to end up to actually knowing that the process is the purpose.

And second,

You spoke about appreciation.

What I would say is that these are very easy to say,

But that to really change your mind either around the accepting and maybe even coming to enjoy the process and or awakening greater appreciation for what we have,

That takes a lot of work and it has to be a consistent inner dialogue to get there.

It's not one second or you hear this podcast and suddenly whatever process you're in the middle of,

You'll appreciate it or you'll enjoy it.

But I think if you have the goal of changing your consciousness around any situation and knowing that you can get to a state where you can enjoy the process,

Understand the process of the purpose,

And you have that inner dialogue all the time,

Then ultimately you'll get there.

And hopefully every day is a shift,

A step forward towards that goal.

But it's not easy.

It's like anything important in life that we want to change or a direction we want to grow,

We have to be investing effort and this internal dialogue to get us there.

Well,

Here's the thing.

We are whatever behavior we experience or exhibit day in,

Day out is really some of who we are.

That's who we become.

How you react to anything in life,

How you approach the things that happen in life or who you become.

So if one chooses not to practice really embracing the messy,

Really enjoying or learning to enjoy the process,

Especially when the outcome is ambiguous,

Then you spend all your days fighting or in discomfort or blaming or self-sabotaging and then that is your life.

And I think,

Yes,

It's not easy,

But I think to really obviously the first step is consciousness to really understand this and to really hear this and feel it with every part of you because that will be your life.

And I remember this one student,

She was really was like the beginning of when I started teaching and she was such a beautiful soul,

Beautiful person,

Very kind heart.

But everything that happened to her that overwhelmed her derailed her and everything to the smallest thing then became big things because she started to create more chaos in her life.

And when she would get to that place where she couldn't handle process,

She would self-medicate and she would self-sabotage in very big ways.

And then eventually she'd come back and she'd realize like I can't be in this space anymore and she'd reset for two weeks.

And then again,

Eventually that caught up with her and now she's a full-on drug addict and really is very unhappy.

And it's a cautionary tale because of course not everybody takes pills and not everybody will exhibit that kind of behavior.

But the point is that how you respond to the stressors,

To the challenges,

To the unknown in life is really what your life becomes.

So with that,

Enjoy your summer.

The last few weeks or days of summer.

And make each day count.

Feel the sand between your toes.

Play with your pets or your children or whatever you do and embrace life.

Thanks for joining.

And badumpum.

Do you want me to do your spiel?

No,

None of the summer episodes.

Oh gosh,

You guys got off of hearing the same thing over and over and over again.

Well,

We are about to start our long form episodes after the summer ends.

So do send your,

Continue to send your stories,

Questions,

Comments to MonicaAndMichaelAtKabbalah.

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And we hope you enjoyed this episode as much as we enjoyed recording it.

Stay spiritually hungry.

Bye.