111.The Gift Of Being Different: How To Find Your Superpower

The beauty about any thought is that you can change it.

You can adjust it,

You can revise it,

You can accept it,

You can reject it.

And so when we stop giving power and voice to the negative things we think about ourselves,

Then you really show up for yourself and then you really feel like you belong.

So lots of celebrations today.

New moon of Scorpio.

This month has a bad rap and so does everybody born under this sign.

I happen to love scorpion people.

I'm rising Scorpio.

But it is a month of extremes and we tend to see things in terms of black and white and there's an opportunity tonight for this whole month to be able to challenge ourselves to not accept that kind of it's either good or bad,

Positive or negative,

Black or white.

And everything we're going to talk about tonight supports that idea.

We know also,

Kabbalisticly,

We refer to the month of Scorpio as mar cheshvan,

Which means bitter.

And we have the opportunity tonight and in this month to reverse that order mar teram,

Which means exalted or elevated.

So it's really about elevating our thoughts,

Our consciousness and our ability to see gifts through our biggest challenges.

Would you like to add anything?

Oh,

Also,

I didn't say welcome to spiritually hungry.

So you want to start with Abigail's- Wait,

You want to say anything about Scorpio?

Oh,

Well,

One thing I will share is that our son David spends a lot of time watching my father's videos and he reminded us of a quote that my father said about this month of Scorpio.

And specifically,

By the way,

This evening into tomorrow,

Which not coincidentally is actually my mother's Hebrew birthday as well.

And the Rav said that this is,

As far as drawing blessings and light,

The most powerful day of the year.

So it's probably not a coincidence that we're coming here together to celebrate both the launch of the gift of being different and the new moon and new month of Scorpio.

This is a night and a day into tomorrow to ask,

As we say in Kabbalistically,

The gates are open,

Which means anything that you truly need,

Anything that you truly want to ask for,

This is the time to do it.

And also just speaking about the idea of something being all of this or all that,

All good or all bad,

Nothing is really 100% anything ever,

Right?

So I think that if we can really reframe our thinking around that idea,

Like our biggest challenges,

The things that we're sure we can't change,

This is the month to be able to visit the month.

You want to challenge that limited way of thinking.

So tonight we have a very special guest.

Little Miss Abigail Berg,

And I have to applaud her on.

I was not that brave at nine at her when I was her age.

It's not easy to come out and speak and show you.

And I'm so proud of you.

And you inspire me all the time.

So as you know,

Abigail's my co-creator in writing The Gift of Being Different.

And it is a book that we hope will inspire children and also adults to reframe the things that they feel most maybe ashamed of or the parts of themselves that they think that they need to hide because we feel like we need to be like everybody else,

That we need to fit in,

That we need to be accepted or we're going to be unhappy.

And through Abigail's diagnosis of dyslexia,

We were really able to reframe what a difference looks like and also bring light to the truth that everybody is different.

And when we really accept that and we really honor that idea,

We remove fear,

We remove judgment,

And we're able to embrace all of the uniqueness that everybody has to offer.

I know personally I would be very bored living in a world where we are all the same or we try to be the same.

I find that really,

Really unfulfilling and really boring.

So I love this idea,

Obviously.

I love this concept.

I love the subject.

And yeah,

So we're going – Yeah,

I would just say before – Abigail has a few questions for Monica and I before we begin with the questions.

I want to applaud Monica and Abigail,

Of course.

But in life – and this is maybe one of the most important differences of living a spiritual life – we all have challenges.

We all have had challenges,

Will have challenges,

Have experienced challenging times.

And I think it's a real testament to somebody who's living a life of growth and that is dedicated to the spiritual path that when challenges come,

It's not a difficulty to be overcome,

But rather an opportunity to grow tremendously from.

And I remember in this process from the moment that Abigail was diagnosed with dyslexia,

And up until the writing,

The designing,

The publishing of the book,

Only somebody – at least to my estimation – like Monica would take,

Again,

The challenge and both create as Monica will share a little bit later,

Really an opportunity not just for Monica and for Abigail,

But really for the world,

For so many other people who come hopefully to realize that it is those things about us – and every single one of us has them – that are not as everybody else or not typical to everybody else because nobody is typical to anybody else.

And we all have those aspects of ourselves that are different,

That those are most probably the ones for which we came into this world to both make shine and assist the world with them.

You know,

It's interesting because I think – and I'm going to go into it more,

But I'm so inspired by our kids – but I'm also very curious about people's process and human nature and experience.

And I was really – I mean,

Those of you who know me,

I take things very seriously.

I don't take myself very seriously,

But I take life very seriously in terms of living the life you're meant to and really making your mark.

And I really appreciate how much time we have in this world,

And I don't take that for granted.

So being able to reframe the things that happened in my childhood that were painful for me and whenever I've seen a hint of that for our children,

It's always empowered me to say,

Right away,

Like,

Let's get on this,

Because it took me until I was well into my 30s to really get to that place of self-love,

Self-compassion,

Self-acceptance,

And look at all of those things as really beautiful gifts.

So – all righty,

Abigail.

Okay.

Do you have any questions for us?

Yes.

You do?

I have a couple.

Okay.

So just – when did you feel like you didn't belong?

Assuming that you felt that way.

I have felt that.

I have felt that.

So the truth is that most of my childhood,

I felt that I didn't belong.

And I think that's a – I would assume it's a common feeling.

You know,

Many of us know that I grew up – It is,

Isn't it?

Yeah.

I grew up off and traveled – my parents were in the early days of trying to create what is now the Kabbalah Center,

And we would travel a lot and always knew schools,

Always knew schoolmates.

I was going to say friends,

But not necessarily.

And I think one of the gifts – and maybe this is,

Abigail,

Something you felt as well – is that while I did not feel necessarily a part of the schoolmates that I was with at any given time or the environment that I was in,

I always felt a strong connection to my family.

And I think for me that – you know,

You don't think of these things when you're a child,

But maybe when you're older,

The other – the ability to look back,

That I think because of the love that I felt within our family,

Not having friends,

Feeling different than everybody else that I was going to school with,

Didn't affect me as much.

What makes you feel – well,

What do you guys – what makes you feel different from other people?

I'm sure there's a lot of things.

Well,

It's interesting.

I think growing up and certainly until I got married in my early 20s,

I noticed differences and I noticed all the ways that I was opposite from other people.

And I would compare maybe that's better,

Maybe what I'm doing is worse.

I felt a lot of negative things around that.

And I think now I don't focus on the differences.

I only see the commonalities,

The similarities.

And so I don't know what's different because I'm not looking at that and I'm not looking for it.

I'm really looking for ways of connection and showing up for others and recognizing and appreciating how they show up for me.

So yeah,

I don't feel that different because I think we're all different.

I think when you don't – I think the beauty of the question is if you – if we never ask that question anymore,

We won't see it even.

Do you have any other questions?

Yeah,

I have a very.

Who was a person who like made you feel besides like each other,

Who made you feel like you belong?

I love that you know that by the way,

Besides each other,

Who made us feel like we belonged.

Well,

Nobody could really quite do that.

Of course,

It's true.

Your father did.

But – But it does,

I hope.

No,

But – and you made me feel that way before I really own that for myself.

And I don't think that anybody can make you feel like you belong.

I think it's something you have to learn to do for yourself.

I think each person has to learn to love themself enough and appreciate their most difficult parts of their life or the package they came in the world with or their difficulties.

And in doing that,

Then you really feel like you're showing up for yourself and then belonging is hand in hand with that.

What about you?

So I would say for me,

It was like I said,

Growing up in an environment and moving so often,

Not having a group of friends that I grew up with.

I think for me,

It was really my parents,

But maybe more importantly,

The Ra of my father that we spent early childhood really moving around,

But also a little bit later studying together.

And for me,

I often say this,

But from about the age of 12 or 13,

We would study with the Ra of my father from about 1 a.

M.

To 5 a.

M.

Almost every night.

And for me,

That was the only connection that I needed.

And then yes,

I would go to school and I would study,

But for me,

It was those moments of belonging that were the most powerful.

And for me,

It was in that,

In our home,

In the middle of the night studying together that made me feel that I have my place.

And then even if I went out into the world and did other things,

Important things,

I always came back to what I would call my place.

And by the way,

Just a tip,

The way that I was able to finally show up for myself is I challenged my thoughts.

I challenged the way that I thought about myself and I realized and was able to recognize the negative thoughts that I had about me.

And the beauty about any thought is that you can change it.

You can adjust it.

You can revise it.

You can accept it.

You can reject it.

And so when we stop giving power and voice to the negative things we think about ourselves,

Then you really show up for yourself and then you really feel like you belong.

Next question.

If you could tell your 9-year-old self anything,

What would it be?

Well,

I would say to all the bullies out there.

First of all,

Monica,

Abigail,

What would you tell your 9-year-old self?

No,

I'm joking.

That was a joke.

Obviously,

It was not a very funny joke.

It was just a joke.

No,

It was certainly lost on most of us.

Abigail's 9 years old.

That was the joke.

You've interrupted me.

What was I saying?

All the bullies.

You started saying all the bullies.

Yes.

I mean,

That was hard.

It's hard to hear really negative things that feel so real but don't make sense.

I would say that for every mean thing that was ever said to me or every hurtful thing that I experienced that it really wasn't about me.

I just happened to be next to them and that their pain and where they were at was so overwhelming and all-consuming that all they could do was take it out on me.

I wish I knew that at 9 and 10 and 11 and 12 and 13 and to really know that not to be so hard on myself because I was picked on.

It's hard to believe,

Right?

I didn't even know that.

What were you going to say?

Well,

There was one bully.

One specific.

Oh,

Really?

I want to hear that story.

Oh my God.

You know what's interesting,

Abigail?

And it's funny because I'm working on another book and I remember the story.

So she really,

This girl terrorized me from… I don't think I know this story.

Yeah,

You know,

Because I just,

We moved from New Orleans to Beverly Hills.

Things were okay kind of third,

Fourth grade and then fifth through seventh grade,

This girl,

I just… we were friends at first and I never really liked her.

She kind of scared me a bit,

But she was popular and she… I mean,

I don't even know.

That's the other thing.

Like,

Why did I give her space in my life at that time?

So then she started to call me names,

Horrible names by my locker.

And it spread to other kids and I never pieced why that was until I started writing this book two months ago.

It was as if we were friends and she'd come over.

Again,

She was always a mean person.

She was.

There's mean girls.

She was mean.

But then it turned sideways and I realized that her father actually was very flirtatious with my mom when she picked me up from her house.

And her mom didn't like that.

Honestly,

I love you,

Mom.

You didn't do anything wrong.

She was the father.

But the mother… I remember one day,

One day I caught the mother's eye and she was angry and whatever.

And the next day,

That girl,

She had it out for me.

So you know,

And I didn't know that then.

And I wish,

Obviously,

I wouldn't have known that at that age.

But then it all made sense.

And it's like,

Okay,

You know,

She felt bad for her mom.

Can I blame her?

She needed to pick on me.

But you know.

You teach me… This is specifically to mom.

Oh,

That's good.

You teach me all the time.

Do you think that other parents can learn from their children?

Absolutely.

And I think that sometimes parents think that they need to have a specific role and just be the teacher to their children.

And I think that's true to a certain point.

But children very much come into our lives to teach us as well.

And all four of you,

You and your siblings are my inspiration always.

I love seeing the way you view the world and the way you navigate it and seeing life through your eyes constantly inspires me.

And I've shared this story before,

But our oldest son,

David,

Remember we had dinner once.

And he said,

All of a sudden,

He said,

What do you think my worst character trait is?

To the whole table.

And I was like,

Oh my God,

In my mind,

I'm thinking I hope everybody's nice in their responses.

And then I was overwhelmed by my desire to be more like him because I don't ask that question.

I mean,

I'll probably get it anyway and I'll hear it.

But I was so inspired that he could demolish his ego so completely and put himself out there.

So I think that if we're really doing this parenting thing right,

It's less what we can teach.

Of course,

We want to help our children navigate,

But also to pay attention to how they can change us and help us grow and be different and better.

All four of you often do things and I'm like,

Oh,

I wouldn't do it that way,

But that's really awesome.

I'm going to try it.

I have a question.

So if you ask like,

Is there anything for your children that you if you want to ask them like just like,

Is there anything you would think that they were like,

Like,

Or do you think you have a very close relationship with all your children?

Like do you ever think there's something that like,

Like,

Do you ever think it's similar to this question?

I love that she's doing off script.

Yeah,

By the way.

Awesome.

Okay.

Yes.

I want to hear your question.

But like,

Like when saying like you can learn from her kids,

Like it's like in a way like,

Because you know that obviously you can't like just like trust your kids to be the adult always.

Not always.

So then how do you know the right times you should listen to them?

Good question.

Good question,

Abs.

That was not in the script,

By the way.

You know,

It's a great question.

And I think that if as a human being forget about a parent,

But if a person's being honest with themselves,

Like David with the with removing his ego,

If I if I if you said something,

Even if you showed me a different way that I didn't see it first,

If I'm really being honest with myself,

I'll allow myself to see it.

And it's not about you being a parent or a child.

It's about an exchange.

It's about a conversation and a connection.

And we're all blind to certain things or certain things I'll be able to see that you can't see just about how many years I've been in this world or my life experience.

And then there's other things with a child's innocence and curiosity and purity that you'll be able to say something maybe that you didn't even intend that is exactly what I needed to hear that I couldn't have seen myself.

And that's why in every relationship,

Sadly,

Most people say,

OK,

I can only learn from that person.

That's my teacher.

I can only learn from that one friend that I've given permission to tell me things I need to change.

But the truth is,

In this world,

We're all meant to learn from everybody.

And if we assign labels or we assign that,

Again,

Only certain people can teach us,

Then we're not going to get what we need to.

That's a bummer.

That's a bummer.

I just want to say,

I think both the question was great and also Monica's answer.

And I think it's a very,

Very important point that often as parents,

By the way,

This is true not just about parents.

This is true about any relationship that we have,

Especially the ones that we think that we're the smarter one,

The better one,

Whatever those titles are,

That one of the most important spiritual abilities is,

As it says in the writings of the Kabbalists,

You should be able to learn from every single person,

Which means that no matter the situation or your position,

If somebody says something to you,

You should actually be desiring for them to be teaching you and for them to be showing you.

And I think one of the gifts of being parents is not just the ability to teach and to show away,

But more importantly,

To learn.

And one of the things that I aspire to,

When you have those conversations with your kids,

It doesn't mean they're always right,

But if they're unhappy about something or there's something that they point out,

To have that openness,

To have that hopefully diminished ego that allows to hear.

And this is both important for your relationship with your children,

But also maybe more important for your relationship with everybody else,

To really be open to what they have to say about you that you might not be comfortable hearing or isn't the best aspect of you,

But being open to that is what allows you to really grow.

And create closeness.

Yeah.

Our next book should be called The Gift of Being Parents.

Next question.

One more?

Yeah.

I'm trying to think,

See the one I really want to be different.

How do you think we are different?

Well,

You also mean like,

Just like us two or us two?

Why don't you answer that one first?

How are we different?

Yeah.

Like both of us,

One of us,

I don't know.

How are me and you different?

Or you and mom?

I don't know.

Well,

Me and you different.

I hope not in very many ways,

I have to be honest.

How are we different?

That's a good question.

I would say that one of the things that I really appreciate about you is that you're very,

Very compassionate,

Which means when you see somebody going through challenges,

You're always trying to find a way to help.

And I would say,

I don't know if we're different,

But one of the things that I really want to learn from you is that ability and that desire to always,

When you see somebody who's going through a difficult time,

To always find ways that you can be helpful to them.

I mean,

I know there's a friend of yours that we know who lost a father,

And I know that,

I mean,

Once you heard that about her,

From that moment you decided she was going to be your best friend and that you were going to be her best friend.

So I think for me,

That desire that hopefully always grows to see somebody who's in pain or see somebody who's going through a difficult time and finding ways,

New ways all the time to help them and be there for them.

Yeah,

I would add the same thing.

You're incredibly empathetic.

And I remember that you drew a picture for that girl and you wanted to bring her different things every day.

And I was like,

Does she like this?

You're like,

I don't know.

I just want to make her happy.

You just,

You have this beautiful ability to really see people,

Really see them fully and no judgment,

Just accepting and wanting to make them happy and feel good.

It's a beautiful gift.

Thank you,

Abigail.

Yes.

We want to rethink and reframe the beliefs that we have,

The limited ones,

The ones that tell us that we can only be a certain thing or that we're not enough or that we see our challenges as weaknesses and really be able to change them to what they truly are,

Which is an opportunity.

So for instance,

Often we believe a vulnerability is a weakness or I never get anything I want.

If I want something done correctly,

I have to do it myself.

We have all these ideas and beliefs that we come in the world with that help us navigate life that really actually wreak havoc and chaos in our lives because they stop us.

They completely limit us.

This one thing happened to me and therefore I can't do X,

Y,

And Z.

So I would say it's interesting.

You remind me there's a story of a friend of ours that we know.

Many years ago,

He was very successful in investment banking and then he went out to work on his own.

And a very well-known wealthy person gave him a significant amount of money as his seed capital.

And long story short,

After very few months,

It was a very large sum of money.

He had lost about 30% of it.

And he was obviously very disappointed,

Upset,

And he went back to his funder,

The person who gave him that very large sum of money.

And he says,

I'm very sorry.

I just lost all this money for you,

30% of a very large sum of money.

And he said to him,

He says,

You know what?

I'd rather you spend the next years focusing on the 70% of the money that you still have and how to invest it rather than spending your time being upset and disappointed about the 30% that you lost.

And the lesson,

Of course,

Is that all of us have those parts of us that make us different.

All of us also have those parts of us that we think aren't as they should be,

Aren't the best.

Spiritually,

We know that where we focus our attention,

Where we focus our energy is what will grow.

So if a person spends a lot of their time focusing on their challenges or the things that make them maybe not as great as everybody else,

Then that allows those parts of them to grow.

Whereas if a person spends their time on the parts of them that are,

We'll call,

Perfected or better or allows them to grow,

That's what will allow them to become a person who can really influence the world and others in a positive way.

And I think when we talk about a superpower,

Which is really what the book is about and what this evening is about,

I think a very important part of it is making sure that we focus on the better parts of ourselves.

We all have,

And science tells us this,

A negativity bias,

This natural predisposition of the mind to focus on the things that aren't as they should be.

Because if we focus on those parts of us that are as our superpower,

That are the parts that make us and give us the ability to bring great light into this world,

Then that part will grow.

So when we think about what is our superpower,

When we think about what will allow us to truly bring great light into our own lives and into the world,

Make sure that we spend the time focusing on the 70 percent,

Those parts of us that can truly create change in this world.

So that's the thing.

Most people focus on the 30 percent.

And I can tell you that I had a very not fantastic math teacher in the fourth grade.

And he was really – I don't even know why he was teaching.

He clearly hated the job.

And I remember thinking that,

Honestly.

Maybe it was the fifth grade.

And he had me sitting right in front of his desk and he picked on me relentlessly every single day.

And I hate math to this day,

Right?

But more than that,

I thought I was stupid well into my 20s.

And I just didn't think that I was very academic or intellectual.

And I allowed that one experience to really shape the many years that followed that until I realized,

No,

Actually,

I can just string a thought together.

I mean,

It was really – he really chipped away at me.

I can't blame him.

But it's a testament to how negative beliefs especially can have such a hold on us.

I gave a talk here when Rethink Love came out.

And we were talking about shame and the shame of wanting.

And this woman did a workshop and she got up and shared the story that really,

I mean,

Tore me apart.

It was the time when Michael Jackson was the king of pop and Billie Jean came out.

And everybody remembers the glitter glove,

Right?

And – Everybody of a certain age,

I would say.

You always say that.

And every time I do that,

You try to make me feel old.

It's not going to work.

No,

No,

No.

Of a very young age is what I'm saying.

Yeah.

Everybody knows Michael Jackson and the glove.

Does everybody know Michael Jackson?

Children,

Do you guys know?

Of course,

The glove.

Even our kids do.

Yes,

Yes.

Okay.

Keep that old stuff to yourself.

So she had a ballet class and everybody was to bring something that they really felt connected to.

And so she's like,

The glove.

She comes in.

Everybody is in their leotard and she brings out her glove.

And for whatever reason,

The teacher really took an offense to it and berated her in front of the other kids and said,

What did you bring that for?

Why are you doing that?

That's silly.

Put it away.

And she was so humiliated.

She decided she was going to be a scholar,

A professor,

Very focused.

And she's really a creative person.

And she said to this day,

Every day,

She wants to write.

She wants to write a book.

She wants to sing.

But she has to provide for her family.

And she believes that if she feeds into that creative aspect for herself,

She has to choose a different life and she's going to be ridiculed.

And why?

Because of that one experience with the ballet teacher that she never saw again for the rest of her life.

But that really affected her.

So and in releasing this book,

I've heard so many stories that are so powerful.

And not only from children,

But also from adults,

From parents that are now going back to their own childhood thinking about the ways that they felt so different and less than and that it was never reframed for them.

One mom,

Her daughter started stuttering recently.

And she's like,

I don't know how to help her.

Another woman who has a hearing impediment,

She said,

Where is my mother?

Why didn't like people it's bringing up stuff because we carry these things around.

So I want to share this,

We're going to bring it up on the screen also,

But it's a letter I got from a mom today that I never met and moved me to tears many,

Many,

Many times today actually.

Thank you so much from the bottom of this mama's heart and seven year olds too.

Brought me to tears when I read it before her and then her big sister read it to her.

We finally felt like someone else got her.

Kudos to your amazing daughter for speaking up and to you for being a wonderful mom to support her.

I fought many battles with our school and IEP teacher that had the audacity to say she's extremely disabled because of her dyslexia and dysgraphia.

We never stopped supporting these beautiful kids.

So thank you from one mom to another.

So happily I randomly turned the news on that morning.

I already told all the moms of the kids in Avery's IEP class.

I'm sending it for the teacher and to read to the class again.

I cried all yesterday after reading it myself and then all last night after she kept telling me and all her siblings she has a superpower.

She kept saying,

Mama,

She's just like me.

I want to thank everybody for joining tonight.

All of our friends who are going to be watching this recording and most importantly,

We should all have the ability to transform all of our challenges and difficulties into our superpower.

So thank you.

Thank you for joining.