112.Do More, Care Less: 4 Tools To Let Go Of Other's Opinions

Ultimately,

You want to get to that place where you literally don't care what your first impression is,

But your hundredth impression is,

All you care about is being your authentic self.

Welcome to spiritually hungry.

Hello.

Hello.

We're going to start this episode with one of my favorite quotes.

That is,

What other people think of you is none of your business.

Oh,

I don't think I've ever heard that.

Have you ever told it to me?

Clearly,

You've never read any of my books.

Hey,

Now that is a terrible assumption and a terrible slander that I don't want any of our listeners to believe.

It's not true.

The way I wrote it is what other people think of me is none of my business.

Oh,

That's why.

Oh,

Sure.

That was what was confusing to you.

That's a great quote.

I just don't know if you ever hear it.

I've used it in my own head many a times.

Say it again.

What other people think of you is none of your business.

I love it.

I don't know.

Is it okay if I start using it?

As long as you give me credit.

No,

It's not my quote,

But yes.

Whose is it?

A few people have said it in different ways.

Marcus Aurelius said something along those lines 2,

000 years ago.

His quote,

Which I think is even more powerful is,

We all love ourselves more than other people,

But care more about their opinions than our own.

That is one of my favorite quotes here.

Oh,

He had it on his little paper.

It's really,

Really- It's not such a small paper.

There's a lot of words on it.

You don't have to give all of my secrets.

You embarrassed me,

You slandered me and now you're- Oh,

You're making me look bad.

He actually begins it.

It's against translators,

So you don't know how good the translations are.

But I love actually the first part.

It never ceases to amaze me.

Amaze me,

Yeah.

Right?

That's true,

Right?

I mean,

This is science tells us- By the way,

It never ceases to amaze any of us if we catch ourselves in that state.

That's why it's so powerful.

And I think if we can get our listeners to one place from this podcast,

It should be from like,

Oh my God,

I can't believe I just did it again.

And we probably do it a hundred times a day.

A thousand percent.

Yeah.

We didn't even tell people what we're talking about.

Well,

That's what I was just going to get to.

In today's episode,

We're going to tackle these questions.

They are,

Why do we care so much about what other people think?

And when,

If ever,

Is it good to care about other people's opinions of us?

So that is what we will be talking about.

I would say what a doctor tells us is something important.

That's a good opinion.

Not opinions of us,

Their opinion about- Us.

No,

Because even with a doctor,

They can give you a diagnosis,

But maybe their opinion of how you should treat it.

Right,

Right.

So let's start- Can I take us on a complete tangent?

I don't know.

You're doing a pretty good job of that so far.

Keep bringing us back in and keep taking us back out.

One of our favorite podcasters is Dr.

Marc Hyman.

And he has a very good podcast.

If you're not listening to that,

I would recommend it.

But he talks about blood pressure,

Right?

I think it's like,

I think more,

I forgot,

I could be wrong on these statistics.

At least 50% of Americans have high blood pressure.

And he says something which is crazy.

94.

5% of Americans either have obesity,

High blood pressure,

Or diabetes,

Which means only less than 6% of the American population is healthy.

Well,

By the way,

All three of those go hand in hand.

Somebody who is obese is going to have high blood pressure and very likely instability with sugar.

So,

Yeah.

So,

My tangential point was- Where are you going?

I'm going to need more talk,

But now I'm commenting on it.

What is happening here?

Exactly.

So,

But what he said,

And this was my point,

That people used to think that you should medicate it with regular medication.

When in reality,

It's really,

I feel funny saying,

Because it's lifestyle changes that actually make blood pressure come down.

Anyway,

I'm not sure.

I'm just waiting for what is- Wait,

Why would you?

What is the connection?

Give me a second.

What is going on here?

Give me a connection here.

No idea.

I can't help you.

There is a connection.

I was talking about today's episode.

Oh,

Because you were talking about doctor's opinions.

That's why.

That's what I was going off.

I said,

You should listen to doctor's opinions.

You should and you should listen to diagnosis.

Yeah,

But he's going against what most doctors are saying,

Which is why we listen to his podcast.

Exactly.

Okay.

I'm so sorry,

Listeners.

I'm going to take us back on course here.

So,

I would say we all want to be thought of well,

Right?

I think it's a natural state to be in.

It makes us feel good and it's from- It's definitely inherent to our nature.

It is and starts from there.

I would argue,

I think we would argue with it's a good thing or bad thing in the majority of cases,

But it's definitely our innate nature.

Well,

I think also on the other side,

It would be odd to want people not to think good of us,

Right?

So,

On some level,

No,

On some level,

I mean,

Even like just something that happened an hour ago with our nine-year-old,

I'm thinking,

Oh,

She's starting to care a little bit what people think and like just peers,

Right?

And you see the shift just happen and it's not anything that she's learning in our house for sure and it's not even who she is.

It's just the way the world is and to feel that we have a place in it and that we'll be safe in it,

I think that goes hand in hand.

So,

I always start with evolution when we talk about these things.

Early humans thousands of years ago to fit in literally meant they survived and of course,

That isn't the case today,

But we feel that it is and it's just part of us,

Right?

That old software is still running.

So,

On some level,

It is that and we think that if we make ourselves important or valuable,

Then people will need us and keep us around.

So,

Approvals hard-coded into our DNA.

And what I really thought was interesting,

If you look at it this way,

As it does feel unsafe if you feel like you're ostracized,

Of course,

That's an extreme,

But there's that need for safety,

Survival,

You can put it all together certainty not in the way we teach it kabbalistically,

But just that you're going to be okay if people like you.

So,

Lack of approval is connected to lack of access,

Meaning whether it's access to someone or some place or love or time or money or opportunities,

Nobody wants to feel like they're cut off from potentially receiving something they desire.

And that's a really powerful thought because I was thinking about this in terms of where I'm at in my life and I've worked really hard to really not care what people think and I'm going to share in a little bit what that means and how I got there.

But this really sounds like something we all still want.

I don't put a lot of value here,

But I know that sometimes I'll think,

Oh,

Should I do that?

Not so they'll like me,

But I don't want to lose an opportunity or I don't want.

So,

You still want to be likable on some level.

So,

I just want to read one more time because I think it's really powerful.

Lack of approval is connected to lack of access,

Whether it's access to someone or some place,

Love,

Time,

Money,

Opportunities.

No one wants to feel like they're cut off from potentially receiving something they desire.

Right.

So,

You're pointing out the area of approval or caring what others think of us that is still beneficial to us,

Still beneficial.

Still necessary.

Necessary.

Right.

So,

You're not.

.

.

How much space or weight you give it,

That's the part I'm talking about.

Or I would add the general 80-20 rule.

The reality is that 80% of the times we're caring what other people think of us is completely inconsequential.

It might be the 20% and ascertaining which is which is important.

But I would guarantee that most of us are spending our worry about others' thoughts for us,

Around us,

Around the 80% that literally makes no difference.

Yeah,

You're right.

And before we get into the spiritual aspect and the tools of how to organize it in your mind into what should be 80,

What should be 20,

I know it's really interesting because you know I like to bring a little psychology into everything.

The worst case is anxiety about the approval of others can blow up into a debilitating fear and it's a condition called allodoxophobia.

Have you ever heard of it?

I actually have.

I know you have.

I know you didn't.

I did.

You did?

I just said I actually have.

No,

You did not.

How did you hear about it?

I don't know how to pronounce it,

But I have heard of it.

Allodoxophobia.

How do you know?

Really?

Yeah.

All right,

So what does it mean?

Sorry.

It's when our concern about others' thoughts about us are debilitating.

Well,

It's debilitating because I said that already before I thought you the name.

I'll give you one more.

Our listeners could either believe me or not.

Concise definition.

You clearly do not.

Worrying about the opinions of others that can lower your basic competence and ordinary tasks such as making decisions.

So,

You're so now plagued with self-doubt because you care so much what other people think.

I didn't know there was an actual specific word for it,

So that's kind of cool.

And this I thought was really interesting too and I think it gives us impetus for why we might really want to reconsider this.

When you're thinking about what to do in a particular situation,

Let's say whether you're going to speak up in a group,

A network in your brain that psychologists call the behavioral inhibition system,

BIS,

Is naturally activated,

Which allows you to assess the situation and decide how to act with a particular focus on the cost of acting inappropriately.

So,

You assess that around how to want to behave and it's like you walk into a library,

Right?

That's an example like,

Oh,

I should be quiet.

I should get off my phone.

When you have enough situational awareness,

The BIS is deactivated and the behavioral activation system,

BAS,

Which focuses on rewards kicks in.

But research shows that concern about the opinions of others can keep BIS active impairing your ability to take action,

Meaning you're so consumed with what are they thinking?

You don't do the action,

That should be good things about you.

You just don't do any of it.

You stay in that state.

Interesting.

If you always leave an interaction kicking yourself over what you should have said but didn't,

It may indicate that you're being unduly influenced by concern over what people think about you.

What if you leave almost every interaction by what you've been saying but what you actually said?

That's another problem.

Well,

You got my point,

Don't you?

Yes.

Yes.

So,

I would,

If we can go to maybe an extreme example of the other side of this,

Because I really feel.

.

.

Well,

Not I.

It's a fact that we don't live in authentic.

.

.

Most of us.

.

.

And well,

I would say all of us is something we don't live authentically who we are.

Well,

To live authentically who you are is a choice that you need to make at some point in your life and do everything differently.

Because nobody.

.

.

You don't start out like that.

No,

Of course not.

And very few.

Well,

Actually,

I would already disagree with that point.

I think we actually do start off like that.

You just said about Abigail.

I think what happens is.

.

.

Yes,

Yes,

We do.

You're right.

We do have that inherent evolutionary need,

But it really goes full-blown when society tells us,

Beginning even at age nine,

You know,

It really matters what your classmates think about you.

It really matters what everybody else thinks about you.

Well,

It's so interesting because I wasn't planning on talking about this,

But that's why it's so important at that young age to encourage and empower children to take a stand,

To speak up for themselves.

And something happened last night that I think is such a powerful example.

One of Abigail's friends sent her.

.

.

Do you remember those terrifying.

.

.

Did you ever get those?

I got them.

I'm trying to remember if I ever got them.

This is going to be lived.

.

.

Well,

Me.

When we were younger,

There were no cell phones,

Right?

So it was.

.

.

How would it have come about?

I do remember hearing about these things.

These are probably letters when we were growing up.

No,

I got them.

Well tell everybody what we're talking about before we.

.

.

So I was upstairs and Abigail comes running and you weren't home and she's speaking.

.

.

And I think I was reading something.

She's speaking very high.

I didn't know what she was going to say.

I said,

Why are you speaking so loudly?

And then I started to realize that she's really terrified.

And a friend sent her a message saying,

Teresa is going to.

.

.

If you don't send this letter to 10 other people,

Teresa is going to come and.

.

.

I don't know.

It's all kinds of things.

You read it.

She had died 27 years ago.

And if you don't send this to 10 of your friends,

She's going to sleep with you and haunt you every night.

And so precious,

Vulnerable,

Empathetic Abigail believed with every fiber of her being that Teresa was there.

Because she was like,

Oh my God,

What am I going to do?

And I said,

Abigail,

This is not real.

I said,

People did this to me when I was a kid.

Even when I was an adult,

It's really inconsiderate because even if we know it's not true,

It feels real.

And then you think about,

I don't say bad energy and bad karma,

But basically like,

Oh my God,

I don't want to be haunted.

She's like,

Oh,

I know it's not real,

But why would my friend do this to me?

And then we started to break it all down.

So I said,

I think you really need to express yourself to your friend and tell her that you didn't appreciate it and that you don't ever want to send you something like this again.

And she's like,

I can't do that.

I said,

Why can't you do that?

I said,

I think if you do that,

You're going to feel better about the situation and then we're going to delete this text.

So she didn't tell me what she was going to do.

She comes back and she's like,

I sent this.

And it was the most beautiful,

Specific text where she was authentically being herself.

She says,

Hi,

I really don't appreciate that you did this.

Please don't ever send this to me again.

I don't want to read these things.

And if you were a good friend,

I would think that you wouldn't want to send this to me either.

So the friend writes back,

Well,

It's just fake.

It doesn't mean anything.

She's like,

Well,

Then why did you send it to me?

Because obviously you have to send it to 10 people.

And I said,

Well,

She must have been scared too.

And so the friend writes back,

I was scared.

I'm so sorry.

That's why I sent it to you.

I won't do it again.

And Abigail says,

Thank you very much.

And you shouldn't do it to any of your other friends either.

And I forgive you and I still care about you or whatever.

And it was fine.

But then she was able to move past it.

And it didn't scare her as much anymore because she realized the intention of the friend.

She advocated for herself and she wasn't afraid to be seen.

So I just think like,

I was like,

Yes,

That's just awesome.

Absolutely.

Beautiful story.

I'm happy you shared it.

But actually,

I would say two things.

One for our listeners and one for you,

Monica.

For our listeners,

I think what the story Monica shared is so important and this idea is so important.

I think we realize,

All of us realize we are plagued by this.

And like we just said,

The reason in obvious and subtle ways we do not live our authentic selves or even reveal our authentic selves to the world is because we care so much about being accepted and what others think about us.

I would strongly,

Strongly recommend every one of us,

Certainly those of us who have children,

Have this conversation as often as you can with your children because that'll give them hopefully the strength as they grow up to actually be themselves.

Second,

I think one of your next books,

Children's books,

Should be exactly on this topic.

I think it's a very important one.

Authenticity?

Yeah.

Like this story,

Maybe it's even based on the story you just told.

Just taking notes.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But I think it's important to realize- I love a good Teresa story.

I think it was Teresa.

I think for our listeners to realize it's not just in the great ways where I don't say something or I don't do something because I'm afraid how I will look.

Even in the things that we do,

Even often what we wear or where we shot,

Even the most silly things are based on what?

Are they based on truly our authentic desire,

Even taste,

Or is it so much an effect of the world around me?

So this idea of really fighting back against our both innate and socially learned desire to fit in,

To do what others will be okay with me doing is a tremendously important work.

And so I don't think I can speak for myself.

And even though this is something that I try to spend a great amount of my life leaving,

We all have our plague by this and some of us more,

Some of us less.

And for me,

One of my favorite biblical,

If not my most favorite biblical figures is Abraham.

And he's named many different things.

I'm assuming most of our listeners know Abraham,

The first really the foundational patriarch from which all the world's religions really stem from.

And he was a revolutionary.

And I think that sometimes gets missed.

It says he's called in the ancient Hebrew Avraham Ha'ivri,

Which literally means Abraham,

The one across the river.

That's what it's called.

Ivri,

Although it's translated as Hebrew,

Actually means from the other side of the river.

And what the Kabbalists teach is what that means is that the whole world was on one side and Abraham all alone on the other.

Everybody disagreed with him.

Nobody liked him.

Everybody fought against him.

Everybody wanted to destroy him.

He became the great spiritual giant for only one reason.

He said,

I'm going to find the truth.

I'm going to live the truth.

And even if that means,

Which actually in our lives we think,

Oh my God,

I just did this really embarrassing thing.

The whole world now hates me or thinks I'm an idiot.

He actually lived a life where absolutely every single known human being living at that time hated him,

Thought that he was an idiot,

Thought that he was a crazy person.

Wait,

Did that change?

Yes.

And at that time people came around him,

People came to support him.

But where he began in his forties was in a place of Abraham,

The one from across the river,

Where everybody said,

The whole world,

The whole known world is on this side.

You,

The crazy idiot,

The one we don't like,

You're there all by yourself.

And for me,

That's often been a very strong,

Not the word motivation,

But where I want to go.

I want to live my life in such a way where it doesn't matter if I am the crazy person or the idiot across the river,

I'm going to desire and push myself to live my truth,

To get to know what I truly believe and live it.

And by the way,

If you want to do something in this world,

Which is a different topic,

But if you really actually,

We speak about this often,

Each one of our souls has something very unique to bring into this world.

What does that mean?

It means nobody else has done it.

It means maybe nobody else will understand it.

So actually inherent in actually accomplishing the purpose for which our soul came into this world is being an oppositional person,

Which means often people won't like me,

People will not understand me.

And if we don't embrace that,

We can live a life where everybody likes us,

But we actually don't accomplish what we actually came to unique light and revelation for which our soul came into this world.

So it's very important.

Their position is usually in the making of us.

When I hear these kinds of stories,

I feel better about every single thing that happened to me in my entire life.

I mean,

I've already come to that place anyway,

But it just becomes so clear.

Absolutely.

And I'll remind you this,

I have shared this before,

But it's one of my favorite teachings and understandings.

My father's teacher,

His name was Rudolf Zwiep-Renwine,

And he taught my father a lesson that my father would often repeat.

And that is that if a person leaves this world and he goes to heaven,

Whatever,

To that place of souls,

And he says,

Everybody loved me,

I had not one enemy,

Then he's given the first ticket to hell.

Because as my father's teacher would tell him,

If you haven't upset anybody,

You haven't done anything.

And that's such an important understanding that,

Again,

Hopefully begins to motivate all of our listeners and ourselves to find a way to not only disregard what others think,

But actually revel in being a rebel,

Revel in being different,

Revel in having people be upset at us.

So before we continue in that vein,

I think it's important for our listeners to just think about where they really are in terms of caring what people think.

Because often,

People say,

I don't care what they think,

I don't care what they think.

Where is that really coming from?

So of course,

It's a great goal when it's in the right way.

So here's some examples,

Just I want our listeners to think about what resonates with them and where they're at.

So one,

You review situations over and over in your mind looking for mistakes you may have made or ways in which you have sounded stupid.

Another,

When you hear someone has said something negative about you,

You dwell on it regardless of whether it's true or not.

This is one,

We have fun with this one.

Yeah,

I've come,

This used to be one of mine.

Now it's like.

.

.

Again,

If I can share,

Sometimes we have these conversations.

It's a thing you do.

If I can share,

Then you continue right away.

Nobody ever gave you permission.

I have no idea what you're going to say.

Can I share?

Maybe.

Try.

There you go.

I know it's going to be a maybe.

I might as well go for it.

So we have these conversations where this person said this.

And one of the things that we often speak about is the fact that if you're doing something in this world,

You're going to have opposition.

You're going to have people that don't like you.

Take that as a given.

Because sometimes you would ask,

Well,

Is this ever going to stop?

Are people going to stop being negative or.

.

.

Well,

The ones that are based on something that I didn't even do or say.

I know,

But that's,

I mean,

Like I said,

It doesn't.

And now we kind of laugh a bit.

It's your Virgo justice desire.

We need some justice in the world.

Yeah,

You have some justice,

But not to care.

Listen,

Now I think we laugh about it for the most part.

Three,

You take extreme measures to avoid disapproval.

Four,

You're afraid to ask for what you want.

So that last one's all about shame,

Which you know- Say it again.

Say it again.

The last one.

You're afraid to ask for what you want,

Which is very much related to shame.

And I talked about this a lot,

The shame of wanting.

We don't give our permission to ourselves to say,

I want this,

I need this because we're afraid that if somebody knows us that vulnerable or that deeply and they reject us or they think it's stupid,

We're asking for,

Then we're not worthy enough of their love,

Of their attention,

Of anything else.

So if you have any of these four things happen in your life,

Even if you're walking around saying,

I don't care,

I don't care what they think,

Obviously to some degree you are invested.

Now there's another thing,

And I think that this really helps to gauge where you're at and be where you want to be.

I think there's a reactive way to not caring what people think and there's a proactive way.

And I think the difference is everything.

And to that point before you share that is that there are people who go through life and we've met some of these and we don't care for them that much.

We say,

I'm just going to be myself and I'll just tell everybody what I think.

And if it hurts their feelings,

It doesn't matter.

I'm going to speak truth all the time.

I'm going to be authentic.

Exactly.

I'm going to be authentic.

Be a little less.

Exactly.

Exactly.

The point is not that you're hurting other people by being yourself.

Everybody's going to,

I'm not going to hold my tongue,

Some of the people we care for the least,

I would say,

Are those type of people who are like,

I'm always going to say what I feel.

I'm always going to say the things that I think.

I care for all people.

Yes.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Some people are a little bit less.

People who hurt other people,

We care for them just a little bit less than people who don't.

So to be very clear,

And I think it should be clear to our listeners,

We're not talking about that type of living your authentic self where you hurt other people.

We mean actually living your authentic self where you're being good to yourself.

And you're acting with integrity.

Exactly.

Yes,

And consideration.

So a reactive way to be in the I don't care what you think is not ready to face a certain part of ourselves yet.

So we reject a certain type of feedback from others and dismiss it saying,

I don't care what you think.

Right?

So that's completely connected to ego.

That's a very important one.

Very,

Very important one.

And I think that's probably what you just said is probably the key to and it can be confusing,

Right?

I'm going to say when,

Right?

Because there are other times you should listen to people.

But let's just start with because I think I just want to go through the reactive and I want our listeners to say,

Okay,

Who in my life or where am I at in my life just with everybody or specific people I've assigned that I'll hear them,

Other people I won't,

Just to kind of sort this out.

So that's the first one.

Another is pretending we don't care what others think of us being flippant while deep down worrying a lot about it.

Three,

Pretending we don't care what others think of us but spending a lot of mental energy trying to adjust ourselves to present ourselves in a way that will be pleasing,

Get approval from others.

There's so much wasted energy and you don't have time to do the things that you really want.

People often ask me like,

Wow,

You did this,

You did that and how I said,

You know what,

Just stop doing the things that don't work.

Stop the negative noise,

Stop the negative thoughts in your head,

Stop worrying about what others think of you.

You know how much time you gain in a day?

Do you have any idea and how much space you now have in your brain to do things?

Right,

And that's just the time of clarity and focus.

Yes,

100%.

And that's why when things really bother us,

It's not that often but something that just,

Okay,

I'm not even going to deal with that,

It's annoying.

We'll say it's annoying and then leave it.

And then maybe we'll talk about it before we go to bed and then it's done,

Right?

Who has the time?

Who's going to waste a whole life like that?

Now,

A proactive way to not care what people think is practicing internal validation.

I write extensively about that in Rethink Love.

Saying no without guilt,

That was a huge learning for me.

I used to say yes to everybody and then- You still say yes too often.

No,

But now it's aligned.

No,

It's still imbalanced but it's aligned with things that I want to say yes to,

Right?

Because I believe it's what- Right,

But still,

Yeah.

Okay,

Michael.

Three,

Being okay disappointing people if it means you're honoring yourself while still being kind.

This is my list by the way.

This is how I got to where I am with this.

Four,

Being okay not measuring up to other people's standards of you,

Only measuring yourself up against your own internally defined standards.

Next one,

Separating- So,

I don't want to cut this.

So,

I- Because this is all deep work.

I know we could do a podcast on each one.

Yeah,

That's why I don't want to go to- And maybe we should but- But I just want to put to the point where you,

The last one,

Do you mind saying that one again?

So,

Separating your personal expectations for yourself from the expectations others want to impose on you.

I think that's a very important one.

So,

I would ask all of our listeners to,

Because I think what I'm hoping our listeners get is some sort of guidelines,

Right?

Because there are times you should be listening,

Hearing,

Caring.

Like if you're somebody who's hurting other people with what you're authentically saying,

And there are times we absolutely should not.

I think the most important one is ask yourself the question,

Is it something that I think I shouldn't do?

Is it something that I think I shouldn't say?

Not whether he or she or they think,

But really,

But you have to know,

I don't know,

That's the work of really knowing your true self,

Right?

Not your ego self.

And that's the work of a lifetime.

And that,

But it needs to start.

And I think that,

And that's integrity,

Right?

All of these things,

The only way to stop caring what people think in a true soulful way is you have to be super clear about what you think about yourself and you have to like what you think about yourself,

Which means you have to have the actions and the characteristics and act in a way that is really true to who you desire to be.

And that means holding yourself accountable every day.

That makes putting the ego smaller,

That makes making good choices for yourself.

That's the work of each day.

And the reason that's so important is because otherwise you can be just floating through life,

Caring about things you shouldn't care about,

Not caring about things you should care about.

Like literally just literally mixing completely upside down and not caring when you should be caring about what other people are thinking and caring when,

And unfortunately you see people like this.

If you're not taking the time to really know yourself,

And like you said,

I think it's a very important word,

Integrity,

But really know yourself,

Then the other guidelines won't make a difference.

You know,

For many,

Many years,

I think it's just what I needed to learn in this lifetime is it started young for me,

But a lot of people wanted me to really care what they thought of me and what they thought I should be doing.

And I had a lot of opposition in a lot of areas and I would even say bullying for sure.

And last year,

Somebody who behaved that way to me wanted to speak and it wasn't super clear why at first,

What the intention was or agenda.

But at one point in the conversation,

She said to me,

We were talking about some of the things that happened over the past 20 years.

And she said,

Well,

You know,

My issue with you is that you were different.

Everybody else,

We all understood our place.

We understood our role.

We understood what we should say.

And then you come along and you have an opinion about everything.

You have an opinion.

And I looked at her and I said,

Do you hear what you're saying?

I said,

Can you imagine if everybody at that time had walked around and really valued what they thought and they weren't afraid to ask questions or say what they thought?

And by the way,

I was respectful even when I had an opinion,

But you were asking me to deny myself to make everybody else feel okay about me.

I could make you feel more comfortable about my presence.

I should be quiet.

I said,

You know what?

If everybody had had the courage to do that for themselves,

Can you imagine how different everybody would have felt and how different the experience at that time would be and how happier each person would have been?

And that was the end of the conversation.

And honestly,

It's all of these things.

I spent years practicing proactively,

Not caring about what people thought because I was pushed.

It was in such a vice that I had no other choice.

It's either choose them or choose me.

And I just couldn't make that choice other than choosing myself.

But it was one of the most defining moments of my life.

Not just that conversation,

But getting to that place.

I just want to underscore something you just said,

Which is so important.

That phrase,

If each one of our listeners can live with that mantra,

Choose you.

Because you're not.

Most of us spend so much time choosing other people,

Not choosing ourselves,

Which is crazy.

Like it goes back to the Marcus Aurelius quote,

But that's the truth of so much of our lives.

You choose him and her and people you don't even know.

By the way,

You want to talk about that for a second?

Do you realize that the people that you care about their opinion today in five years,

It's going to have a different face and a different name because that person's probably not going to be in your life anymore.

20 years,

Different face,

Different name.

You're going to spend your whole life just changing the faces and the names and still the same behavior and attitude.

And again,

Today with social media,

You are actually caring of somebody you don't even know,

You will never know,

You will never see,

But they influence you in such deep ways.

It's literally insanity.

It's really insane.

I feel.

.

.

Literally insanity.

Okay,

I'm almost finished with the list.

Not letting any singular opinion or point of view change your big picture perception of yourself.

That's a big space to hold.

Very important.

Not letting negative feedback deflate you,

Using it as fuel for learning and growth.

Being able to listen to feedback without immediately rejecting it or taking it as an absolute truth.

Listening and reflecting on it with an open mind,

Heart,

And then deciding what you want to keep or what you want to let go of.

It's discerning healthy feedback from useless criticism.

But to do those last two,

You have to do the first part of the list.

If not,

You won't be able to do it.

Absolutely.

And I've touched about this before,

But for me,

One of the most important ways to disengage from the wrong times of caring what other people think.

I often go back as we've shared about two years ago,

My mother left this physical world and it's so crystallized for me,

This idea.

I went back in my mind so many of the things that had upset her or people that had disappointed her and we would talk about.

And then after she left this physical world,

The thought came to me like,

Obviously none of that matters.

None of that matters.

And in many spiritual paths,

The Kabbalistic one as well,

There's great importance given to remembering the day of death or remembering death.

And I don't say that's a morbid thing.

I think it's a very clarifying and beautiful idea.

And for all of us who still struggle with caring in the wrong ways about what people think about us,

Who don't say or do that which is authentic to us in truth,

It can actually bring great things into the world because of that,

Simply ask the question,

If I was not in this physical world anymore,

Would any of that make any difference to me?

Would I care even for one second about it?

And you will see that we said before,

80%,

99% of the worries and the thoughts that we have around where people will think and say what they think about us as a human being,

None of it matters.

None of it matters.

The only thing that actually matters is whether we are pushing ourselves to live our authentic light and life.

More than that,

When a person leaves this world,

The thought they are going to have is why did I waste so much time about these stupid people that just made my life miserable or insignificant.

This is not what I'm really missing out on were the moments,

The gems in my life that I didn't give enough energy and attention to that I recognize as being the most profound and beautiful experience of my life.

But I took it for granted or I didn't appreciate it or I thought it would be around and when I was distracted because I was upset by what happened early in the day so I couldn't pay attention when my child in the evening really wanted to play on the floor or whatever.

That's what it comes down to.

Absolutely.

I would say one big tool on how to care less is choose your tribe wisely.

Environment's a big part of it.

Be around people that you enjoy their company,

That are rooting for you,

Whose feedback you do want and that you do care about.

And Bené Brown actually called this shortlist,

I just think it's a great visual.

She said it's a shortlist of people whose opinions actually matter to you.

It's called the square squad.

You should care what some people think of you but the names of those people must fit on one side of a piece of paper that is only one inch tall and one inch wide.

The people who fit on the one inch by one inch tiny piece of paper are your squa- no because the point is this.

I know I'm joking but.

The square squad,

How many people really,

Really are rooting for you,

Really love you unconditionally,

Really have your best interest and are coming to say,

Really I'm giving you this feedback because I love you and I see all these things and I know you want and you trust that,

Right?

That environment,

That group,

Right?

How many people really if we ask ourselves?

Yeah,

It's a one by one.

Yeah,

Absolutely.

And we often speak about this.

We have the blessing to meet so many people,

Interesting people,

Smart people and so on,

Accomplished people.

We do enjoy spending time,

This person,

That person.

But the only people we really like to spend a lot of time with or really feel comfortable around- Such other.

Well,

Besides that,

That's all so true but don't tell,

That's our secret.

We don't want anybody to know that.

Are people who you really feel support you.

And I think too often in life- No judgment.

Exactly.

Just support you.

Just good,

Just support you.

And too often in life we care about that other group and that's a waste.

Well,

That's why when I feel that now,

Even from people that are friends,

Which is a loose word- By the way,

It's okay to have that large group of friends but to know who are your real supporters.

And I will tell you something doesn't feel right for me here.

So I'll still be a friend but I'm really clear about how much I'm going to allow myself to be influenced,

Good or bad,

Right?

Absolutely.

So I have a question for you.

What situations or areas of your life are you particularly vulnerable to looking for external validation?

But wait,

I know you're going to say no,

No,

No.

Is that the voice that I use?

Yes.

But think about it in this way.

Is it as a rabbi?

A rabbi?

A silly rabbit?

A husband?

A parent?

Spiritual leader?

Because there is some,

And it's not even that maybe external validation is too extreme for you but that you care a little bit more than you should.

And I just put this list for you but you can come up with your own.

Where I care.

You're asking me where I care about other people.

A little bit more than you want to.

Well,

Any amount would be more than I want to.

I would say maybe this.

When I initially meet people,

Right?

People that I know and sort of I know who they are,

They know who I am.

At that point.

.

.

You want to make a good impression,

You're saying?

Yeah,

Because I feel like a responsibility,

Right?

Like you said,

I'm a rabbi.

A spiritual leader.

Like I run an organization.

So I feel the weight of that responsibility of not looking like an idiot when in reality in all other situations.

.

.

But you would never look like that.

Obviously,

I'm hyperbole.

But to make the best impression for all the things that I represent.

I think that's something that I.

.

.

Well,

All the things you represent are all the things you want to be seen as.

No,

I don't care.

But I think when people meet you for the first time,

They just want to connect with Michael.

It's not any of those things you represent.

Absolutely.

Well,

Again,

But if I actually.

.

.

I'm going to therapist you for a second.

Yeah,

Again,

I have worked my entire life and will continue to get.

.

.

I think ultimately you want to get to a point where.

.

.

And I've spoken about this,

Where if everybody in the world,

Like Abraham,

Thought you were a complete idiot,

You should be absolutely okay with that.

But none of us are there yet.

Michael from the river.

Exactly.

Keep him there.

But yeah,

I think if there's one place that still at times I would like to have zero care.

Again,

I quoted this before.

I think it's such a beautiful idea.

My father's teacher,

I mentioned before,

He had an interview in 1967 and the first paragraph of the interview,

The interviewer said,

I realized when I sat down with Ralph Brownwine that he could not care less whether I wrote the best things about him or the worst things about him.

And that's my life goal.

And even you make,

As I do,

No,

I can't look like an idiot because I represent this or that.

Ultimately,

You want to get to that place where you literally don't care what your first impression is,

What your hundredth impression is,

All you care about is being your authentic self.

So if there's a thought you would leave our listeners with,

Whether we've spoken about very important things,

But many different thoughts,

But if there's one.

I mean,

I said it all.

Well,

I'll take a stab at it.

I would say that endeavoring to care less and less every day.

From a proactive.

From a proactive way,

Like Monica explained about what people think about it.

It's probably one of the most important tasks of our lives.

And unless we're doing it consistently,

It's not just when you did something and now what do you think of me?

I'm not talking about this idea,

But actually proactively living your life in the direction of caring less and less.

That is the only way for your soul to actually reveal its great light and potential in this world.

The only thing I'd add is just don't talk about Teresa who's going to come and haunt you 27 years after her death.

That's all.

Yes.

Okay,

I'd like to share a letter from one of our listeners.

This was both very moving and beautiful.

And so thank you for sending us this email.

Hello,

Michael and Monica.

My two year old son passed on a year ago.

It was sudden and unexpected and I was five months pregnant with my second child.

Since then I have been on a journey to raise my vibration,

To find my son and unlock a knowing that I will see him again.

I meditate daily,

Journal,

Read,

And of course listen to podcasts.

My journey currently has circled back to me though.

I have had to learn how to be happy,

Present,

And look at aspects where I can grow.

My spiritual practice still continues,

But I am on top of the lesson plan.

Thank you for providing a platform that embarks on the journey starting within.

I so resonate with everything you speak of.

Much love to both your time and guidance,

Rachel.

Thank you,

Rachel.

Thank you for the thing.

Thank you.

We send you strength and a greater sense of peace and purpose.

And we are humbled.

I was just going to say that.

I was going to say hot inspired and I was like,

No,

We're humbled.

By being able in some way to support your journey.

And again,

Inspired that you're actually on a spiritual path after enduring so much pain.

That's all I can say.

It's just beautiful.

And really thank you for being vulnerable and sending us this beautiful email.

And as a reminder to all of our listeners,

Send your stories,

Your comments,

Your questions to MonicaAndMichaelAtKabbalah.

Com because they do truly inspire us and often humble us.

And it's what continues to drive us and awakening greater and greater desire to not only create the podcast,

But also disseminate it as widely as we can.

So please do everything you can to help us disseminate it and make sure to send your stories,

Comments,

And inspirations to MonicaAndMichaelAtKabbalah.

Com.

I hope you enjoyed this podcast as much as we enjoyed recording it.

Stay spiritually hungry.