4. The Spiritual Purpose Of Anger

The greatest ability is to be able to direct and redirect our consciousness,

To be able to choose something else.

So releasing anger,

Overcoming it,

Choosing a different response and a different emotion is absolutely possible and within your control.

If I am still in a place of anger,

This is something that I have not yet uncovered and it might be that after I uncover it,

I still won't want to at the words forgive or let go of that completely,

But at least I'll have more clarity on it.

The only person you need to measure yourself up against is the person you have the potential to become.

If you're measuring yourself against your own potential,

Then you will be able to see other people's amazing characteristics and success as something that awakens what you can also become.

It's not about being perfect,

But it's about realizing if I allow myself to dwell in the thoughts of coveting,

Of envy,

I am depriving myself of blessings that are meant to come to me and I'm depriving myself of the light and energy in the blessings that I already have.

Welcome to the Spiritually Hungry Podcast,

Episode 4.

We're super excited to talk to you today.

We're going to be discussing two emotions that we all have felt,

Feel,

Struggle with,

And that is feelings of anger and feelings of jealousy and envy.

Whenever we react without thinking,

We're already on treacherous ground.

One of the basic principles of Kabbalah is that when we react to any person,

Whether it be in anger or any other emotion,

We become the effect of our life and not the cause.

Anger is our reaction when we feel offended,

Wrong,

Or denied,

And often fuels an instant desire for retaliation.

What we want to cover,

Though,

Is how to learn an alternative response.

In this case,

A way to use your anger as a tool for growth,

Which can provide an enormous benefit to you.

Yet,

There's a feeling of satisfaction when we let ourselves vent and rage.

But that satisfaction is short-term,

And inevitably,

We always feel worse than we did at the beginning of it.

The harder but far more rewarding choice is to look for the good in the situation.

Think of it as a secret door.

It may be hidden,

But every situation has one.

We find it through perspective,

Kindness,

And consciousness.

So Mihael,

What do you have to say when it comes to thoughts on anger?

Well,

It's interesting.

One of my guiding pieces of wisdom on anger is a section that I actually would like to quote from the Zohar.

So the Zohar,

The ancient foundational text of Kabbalah,

Asked the question,

Which it often does really about life,

And asked the question,

Who is the type of person or how can you know whether somebody is somebody you want to be close to,

Want to be friends with?

And the Zohar says the following,

How can you ascertain the quality of a person in his real anger?

One could know and recognize him for what he is.

If he guards his soul in his anger,

So as not to uproot it from its place and bring a foreign force in to replace it,

Then he is a proper man.

Such is a whole man.

If that man does not guard it,

But uproots his soul and his supernal light by becoming angry,

And he causes another force to dwell in its place,

Assuredly such a man it is not to near him or to join him.

So the Zohar here is telling us something very interesting,

And when I think about life and I think about even spiritual teachings,

I think it's always important to think about them as they relate to me.

And the question is not so much is anger good or bad as a moral choice or question,

But what does becoming angry do to me?

And I believe that if we have clarity on the detrimental effect that anger causes the individual who is becoming angry,

Then that's one of the greatest defenses that we can have and use against becoming angry.

And here the Zohar says really an amazing thing.

You know,

I remember literally from the youngest ages,

Anytime I would get angry,

And I think we all experience this,

You kind of feel it,

You know,

Like when they have these batteries that get filled up and you're filled one level and the next,

You literally feel this force raging inside of you.

That feeling the Zohar is actually telling us is an indication of a process that you're going through.

When you become angry,

You are actually devoting yourself of your own power,

Force,

Light,

Soul,

And in its place you are replacing it with a negative emotion,

With a negative force,

As the Zohar calls it,

This foreign force.

And therefore I think maybe the beginning of this understanding around anger is that rather than being a moral question or a question of good and bad,

It's a simple question of what is to my benefit.

And the Zohar says that one of the worst things that I can do for myself is allowing anger to reside within me.

Now I think it's important to realize,

You know,

None of us,

And you know,

Especially when we think about being spiritual,

Even if we think about being spiritually hungry,

I think it's important to realize we're all human and we're not ever meant to be perfect.

So therefore we are going to have moments of anger.

I think the question is how long do we allow it to reside within us?

How long do we allow this foreign force to overtake our soul?

And that's where I think it's important to start this discussion,

That the reason next time something happens that I want to become angry about,

The reason I want to resist that,

Or if I allow myself to become angry,

The reason I want to limit the amount of time that anger resides within me is because I know the detrimental effect that it has on me,

On my light,

And on my soul.

It literally forces my soul to flee.

And the longer I hold on to that anger,

The longer that light of my soul is away from me.

So that's the first thought that I have on anger.

I think it's important again that we think about it in this way and that we actively watch ourselves and say,

I don't want to become angry again because that guy doesn't deserve my anger.

Maybe he does.

Maybe he does a terrible thing to me.

But I don't want to become angry because I know that the process of becoming angry displaces my light,

My soul,

My energy,

And in its place brings in this foreign force that is not me.

It literally robs us of both our spiritual and even physical life.

I mean,

There are studies,

Countless studies,

About the effects of anger on the heart,

On the physical body.

So whether for physical reasons or spiritual reasons,

Anger is an emotion that we want to fight.

And maybe more importantly,

When we're not able to completely eradicate it,

At least limit the amount of time that we hold on to that anger.

So you're trying to scare people into not being angry.

I think it's funny,

You know,

There's a famous book,

Fear is Not an Option.

And every once in a while when I have the opportunity to share or to speak,

I say that there's certain things you do want to fear.

And if I was going to say one thing you do want to fear is anger,

Because there are few things that do as much damage to me as when I become angry.

A thousand percent.

I mean,

I can also list a bunch of physiological things that happen to the body.

So you know,

It raises our blood pressure,

Our fight or flight response kicks in,

Our body releases stress hormones that prepare us for danger.

So it wreaks havoc in every aspect of our being psychologically,

Physically,

Emotionally.

So clearly it's very bad for us.

And I think it's funny when we talk about it this way,

Because people go to great measures to be healthy,

Right,

To take care of themselves.

Infrared saunas,

Eating well,

Taking vitamins,

Working out,

Meditation,

Right,

All of these things to prevent disease and stress.

But nobody really talks about anger and about being able to manage that and really ultimately release it.

I think it's important what you just said,

Release it.

I think,

You know,

Different people are different stages in their personal development.

And while hopefully some of what we share today can allow people to fall to anger less,

But I think it's important we also address,

You know,

What do you do with anger that is so difficult for you to let go?

Exactly.

And releasing it,

Right?

Then the first step is not to be too hard on yourself and to know that I think very often people think,

Which I want to go into a little bit further later,

But people think they are their emotions.

So they judge themselves.

I'm an angry person or you're a sad person or you're a jealous person.

And people tend to then label themselves and believe that they can overcome the negative aspects of their character.

And you and I both know because of the wisdom of Kabbalah and studying that the greatest thing that we have,

The greatest ability is to be able to direct and redirect our consciousness to be able to choose something else.

So releasing anger,

Overcoming it,

Choosing a different response and a different emotion is absolutely possible and within your control.

Right.

Right.

And again,

I think one of the friends sent in a question.

Yes.

And the first question is,

Is it possible to change my ingrained nature of anger?

It seems that when a situation comes up and I recognize that my anger takes control of the situation and I can't stop.

So as we said,

Anger is a powerful emotion.

And I think we can both admit that it's one that escapes even the most spiritual among us.

Right.

Everybody has issues with anger.

And yes,

It can be destructive,

But can also be a powerful motivator for change.

So anger is defined as the emotion related to one psychological interpretation of having been offended,

Wronged or denied.

So speaking of emotions,

Again,

I think that anger is the secondary emotion.

And by that,

I mean it's the emotion we recognize.

There's a primary emotion that we feel under circumstances of being denied,

Offended or wrong that usually passes by so rapidly that it sneaks beneath our consciousness.

And then we just feel the anger because the truth is,

If you look at anger,

Anger can be,

Can feel powerful.

When a person gets angry,

They feel like they're in charge,

That they're making a difference,

That they're standing up for themselves.

They're advocating for what they believe in.

There's a real energy to anger.

But then of course we know afterwards,

You usually feel bad or you regret things that you said in anger and you wish you hadn't.

But I think most of the time,

If you look back on your life,

Certainly you're more regretful of the moments you became,

And the people you became angry at than the times that you feel,

Oh,

I'm happy I did that.

Yeah,

There's a quote,

I can't recall it exactly,

But it's like,

Give,

You know,

Say something when you're angry and you'll give the best speech you'll ever regret,

Right?

Like it may be powerful,

But you're going to absolutely be left with regret.

So usually what would the primary emotion be instead of anger?

The primary emotion is frustration.

Maybe it's fear or it's hurt.

And those are the things that pass under the radar.

And then we just address the anger and we think I'm an angry person.

And it's actually easier to some extent to address being angry than to actually deal with real feelings of hurt and of fear.

That's harder to be.

So we can understand.

So give me an example.

Let's say I'll use you as an example.

Let's say I was really upset or I felt that I felt hurt by something you said,

Or maybe you were dismissive.

Oh,

I get it now.

And instead of actually sitting down with you,

This has never happened,

Never happened and expressing myself and being able to go to where my pain is,

You know,

And really being able to open up and be vulnerable about my feelings.

I just get really angry at you.

And then I insult you because that feels like,

Yeah,

I'm going to show you.

It has never,

Ever happened.

Never will happen.

But,

But that's,

So that's what people tend to do.

Anger again feels like that.

So that,

That,

So a person,

And we've all had that,

Like,

I mean,

I know for myself,

When you're tired,

Let's say you're having a bad,

It doesn't have to be something somebody directly did to you,

But if you're having a bad day or you're tired,

You're more likely to become angry.

Right.

But you're saying,

But you're talking about something else you're talking about specifically,

You react towards that same person who you have hurt from.

Yes.

With anger towards them.

Because anger in this situation is a symptom,

Right?

There's an underlying thing that is actually the cause of the emotion of anger.

There's a pain.

There's a fear.

So we mask that emotion by asking out.

Which is more vulnerable.

It's the more vulnerable emotion.

And we mask it with anger because that again is rooted and connected to ego and power.

I'll give you an example.

So what do you suggest in that situation?

So I would say that what you want to do is recognize,

Well,

You have to be able to pause.

I'll give you an example of a couple I worked with,

Okay,

To break it down.

The husband always directed his anger at his wife.

And very often we do,

We direct anger at the people we are closest to.

We take those relationships for granted very often.

And she couldn't understand why she was always the brunt of his anger.

So then when it came time for them to be intimate,

She would withdraw and she'd be cold because she would just picture his face angry,

Right?

Because that's usually what she got from him.

After I worked with them and I again said,

Okay,

That's the secondary emotion.

What's the primary one?

He realized that he often feels rejected by her.

And instead of talking about that rejection and talking about his hurt,

He just met her with anger.

So when he realized that what he really felt was rejection,

He was able to be vulnerable with her,

Open up to her,

Explain to her when she was rejecting him or in his mind when she was.

And they were able to come at it from a different place.

So the anger actually was,

Again,

That just dissipated because that was never really.

Right.

And that's very interesting because in that situation,

Anger is like four pieces,

At least in this chain,

Anger is really in the right there in the middle.

So he felt rejected there,

Number one,

Then he acted out an anger,

Number two,

Then she resented him in the number four.

She had trouble being intimate with him.

And anger was only one piece in that link,

One link in that chain.

Anger was the symptom.

But if you only focus on the anger,

You would never get to these other four underlying aspects,

Which was really at the core of what the emotion was.

But that takes work,

Right?

It takes awareness,

I think is the first step.

And it takes consciousness.

I mean,

To exactly the question we got,

He's in pain because he just feels like anger has control over him and he doesn't know any which way out.

This is what it is to be emotionally intelligent.

I talk about it a lot.

I think it's really necessary,

Important that everybody gets to that place.

This is how you do it.

You have to unpack what's really going on in each and every relationship situation challenge.

And if you do,

You will find,

Like I said,

The secret door waiting for you to see the gift behind even anger.

So I think it's important to separate.

We're talking now about two types of anger,

Right?

There's the one that really rears its head in important relationships.

And then there's also the anger of the guy who just cut me off on the highway that you want to hit.

I think that that's more reactivity,

Right?

I mean,

Let's talk about,

Let's focus on that.

I think this one is really,

Again,

I think for many people.

Well,

This is the one that really is the challenge,

I think.

This is like your boss said something and you have a relationship with your boss,

Now you're angry.

Your sister,

Your mother-in-law,

Your best friend,

Your husband,

Wife,

Right?

These are the ones that we get so enraged.

I remember the story of Tiger Woods when his wife at the time,

She became so enraged,

Right?

Because she found out he was cheating,

That she took golf clubs to his car and really broke the car down.

Now she probably isn't an angry person on a regular day,

But when things happened to us really deep,

Like what was her real hurt?

Pain,

Betrayal,

Right?

Resentment,

Like she probably gave so much of her life to him and then she found this out.

So then anger is what felt powerful,

Is what took control in that moment.

Interesting because you're saying something else,

Which I don't think I've thought about before is that often when people feel helpless,

The way they either consciously or subconsciously deal with it is by becoming strong with anger.

Exactly,

Because it's a false sense of control.

Interesting.

So you're saying,

So if we talk about how do you fix it,

You're saying,

And again,

This necessitates work,

When you have relationships that are bringing up anger,

Almost always there is a deeper hurt underlying.

And if you uncover that,

You're much more likely to be able to fix it.

You're able to find the secret door.

And that's powerful,

Right?

That's really liberating.

It's the opposite of anger and it really is connected to true sense of,

I don't want to say control,

I want to say freedom because I think people are searching for control and really what they're really looking for is freedom.

And that's when you feel like you really have it all together,

But it's the exact opposite,

Right?

So it's the same thing with anger.

Right.

And to understand that if you don't do that work,

It's probably just going to get worse and worse and worse because you're now in a cycle of hurt,

Anger and re-hurt and so on and so forth.

That will most likely continue to get worse.

Yes.

So it's almost as if we don't really have a choice,

Certainly in our important relationships that anger is being awakened in,

But rather to delve deeper,

Find the doors,

As you said,

And really work on the underlying issues.

Well,

We always have a choice,

Right?

But the question is,

Do you want to live a happy life or not?

So you can stay in this anger.

You can make it about the other person.

A lot of people have that narrative and that victim consciousness.

That person pushes my buttons.

That person makes me really angry.

It's because of them that I can't be happy.

How many times have we heard this?

I hear it all the time.

That's a story they're telling themselves.

That's a very important point as well,

Right?

That,

And again,

We've unfortunately,

Unfortunately,

However you view it,

Had the opportunity to counsel many couples or people who really created a story in their head.

They are very angry with this person,

Maybe as an ex-husband or an ex-wife or an ex-partner,

And they are sure that their story is right and therefore their anger is correct.

And that has so many repercussions.

And justifies.

Yeah.

And so I think really,

You really want to start that process by also saying,

If I am still in a place of anger,

There's something that I have not yet uncovered.

And it might be that after I uncover it,

I still won't want to,

If the word is forgive or let go of that completely,

But at least I'll have more clarity on it.

But it's amazing how many people you encounter that have a clear story of hurt and therefore great anger towards other people when that is almost never the,

Almost never the complete truth.

Do you want to say anything else on that point?

Because I also want to address in the question,

Because as we said,

It comes out both in anger and relationships,

But I do think the anger that comes from situations or people that we're not as invested in,

Again,

You know,

I use the example of the guy in the car,

Right?

So the guy just cut me off.

Why am I angry?

I'm not angry because,

You know,

This guy hurt me yesterday,

But I'm angry that he just did something to me and that awakens anger within us.

But I think one of the.

.

.

I think that kind of is connected to ego,

Right?

That they think they're right and they think that I am wrong,

Right?

That causes a lot of anger in people.

And I think that that is more connected to needing of approval and self-worth.

Well,

I think,

Yes,

And the Kabbalistic view is this,

That it is really not trusting the process,

Right?

Because what you're saying is that the right thing for me right now was for this person not to cut me off.

This person did something to me that should not be in my life.

And therefore I'm angry at them for bringing it into my life.

But if you develop a little bit more of an acceptance of the fact that there actually is a system at play,

Call it the Creator,

Call it light,

Call it energy,

And everything that comes into my life is not only necessary,

But important.

I know that it's for my benefit and I might understand it or not,

But I know that it's for my benefit and I trust that there's a system at play that is ultimately for my benefit.

And therefore I can't get angry at this person or that person or even at this situation,

But I can begin to embrace it.

So it's interesting,

As you were speaking,

You reminded me of something that happened to me.

Not my best moment,

Perhaps initially,

But I'll share it.

Anybody who drives in New York City is pretty courageous and brave.

In fact,

I taught our 21-year-old to drive in the streets of Manhattan.

But one day I was on our street and I was turning right at the corner.

Actually,

I wasn't turning right.

I was parallel parking,

But I was very close to the end of the street.

And this huge truck is turning right.

And a lot of drivers in New York City are afraid to be cut off because we get cut off all the time.

So he's going as fast as he can down this residential street.

There's a school in our block.

And he is making a sharp turn because he thinks I'm turning right also and he wants to cut me off.

And I'm basically boxed in at that point.

I can't really reverse and I'm not going to move forward because he's already at such an angle.

Next thing I know,

He's ripped off the entire front of our car,

The fender,

The hood.

And I was in shock.

And then also I was really angry because it was so unnecessary.

I was not trying to turn.

So I felt misunderstood and I felt annoyed because I was in a rush and I didn't have time to deal with it.

So I got angry.

So I got out of the car.

We had a conversation,

An escalated one,

A very loud conversation.

And the people in the cafe were like,

Oh,

We saw what happened.

You're right to me.

Of course,

I felt vindicated.

None of this I'm proud of,

By the way.

But then what happened?

I got in my car and somebody called me.

Her father had just passed away.

So I'm sitting in the car.

I'm waiting for the tow truck to come,

The police to come.

And I'm like,

You know what?

That's it.

It happened.

It's processed.

Nothing I can do about it.

And so I'm sitting there very calmly having a conversation with this woman trying to help her.

And somebody that I work with and is also my best friend walks up the street to get a coffee at that cafe.

And she's looking at me with the whole front of my car off.

And I'm like really calm having a conversation.

She's like,

Are you OK?

Not like,

Are you OK?

Something happened.

But like,

That's not a normal reaction.

So yes,

I was angry,

But I was able to recover pretty quickly.

And I'm sharing this because I don't want our listeners.

I understand.

We understand what it's like when something like that happens that you didn't expect.

That's not fair.

That could have been avoided.

That's going to make you late in your day.

But now you have to deal with this and paperwork and police and,

You know,

To write a report.

But the point is,

Is that this other part that I did where I was really calm and I'm like,

OK,

This is process.

It's from the creator.

Just going to let it go.

We can get we'll get there quicker and quicker when we choose that.

Right.

So the first thing,

As I said before,

Is just awareness.

And then from there,

You know,

It will get faster.

And eventually,

You know,

Hopefully none of us will we'll have that anger response.

But I think and again,

This is something that I do and I think it is important for us to use this as a tool,

Which is next time something happens,

Whether it's that you and this happened to us a few times,

You're at the airport and you think you can make the flight.

And for whatever reason,

The person behind the desk says no,

Says no for you.

You know,

You think it's arbitrary and so on and so forth.

You know,

Just keep reminding us you have this inner dialog in your mind.

This is coming from the creator.

This is a blessing for me in some way that I either will see right away or won't see.

And the more you can run that dialog in your in your mind,

The more quickly you will learn to remove or at least limit the anger that you feel over time.

But I think it's important to really allow that inner dialog to go on.

It's funny now and I'll share something.

This is a story that I don't think has any spiritual lesson at all.

But as you were talking,

It just reminded me of a situation that we had.

So so a number of.

.

.

Am I going to look bad again?

Not at all.

No,

No,

No,

No,

No.

So I have to say that in my life,

I've kind of evolved in how I experience other people's anger where,

You know,

I would say years ago I would get really uncomfortable if you were in a meeting or your meeting.

So for whatever reason,

Somebody gets really,

Really angry.

How do you react?

I always looked at people who got really angry like they were silly because it just is silly to get to get so angry.

But I used to get also think that it was silly and also feel very uncomfortable.

I mean,

Imagine in a room with having a meeting with six people and one of them just,

You know,

For what would seem like a small reason,

Just starts yelling.

But I remember a few years ago we were in Switzerland visiting with this family that we knew for not too long and we were at a dinner and we didn't know this couple very well and they'd been married for many,

Many years and suddenly in the middle of dinner for what seemed to be not a very good reason.

The husband starts yelling at his wife in the restaurant.

Do you remember this?

And no,

And I just remember sitting there and first like,

You know,

Thinking to myself,

You know,

It's kind of silly.

Like,

What would ever be the purpose of getting so angry?

But then I just remember realizing to myself that I kind of evolved and no longer made me uncomfortable.

I just,

But I would actually,

I don't want to say enjoying,

But that doesn't sound very spiritual,

But it was to me,

It was like,

It was like entertainment.

That's what I was going to say.

It is.

I actually look at people's responses and it is entertaining in the sense that I like to study people.

I like to,

I think it's very informative and I think that the smartest people are the ones who watch other people's behaviors and responses and they then choose how they're going to make responses in their own situations.

Right.

So I see,

I mean,

Everything is a learning.

We know that.

There you go,

Monica.

You just made my non-spiritual story turn spiritual.

Yes,

Very spiritual.

Which now I think is actually an important point,

Which is that next time,

And I think this happens to us all the time,

Right?

I mean,

You see somebody I'm going to airline.

I'm not,

Yeah,

I just remember a few weeks ago I was flying to Los Angeles and there was a guy who got really angry and he started yelling at the,

You know,

At the flight crew and you just sit there and I actually think that this is an important point,

Not to judge other person because I have no idea what's going on in his life.

So I have no right to judge him for being good person or bad person.

But I think it's important to think that looks silly.

Do I want to be silly,

Right?

Maybe next time I get upset about something,

I just won't react in that way because I don't want to look silly.

So actually there is a spiritual lesson there.

Yeah,

Absolutely.

Okay.

So the next question we got is related to envy and jealousy.

She asked,

I'm ashamed to admit this.

I feel envy towards one of my closest friends.

It's so uncomfortable.

How can I stop this feeling?

The truth is when people feel envy,

It is uncomfortable.

And the way I see it is that they have two options.

They can either change or they can decide that the person they envy needs to change,

Right?

Which is not the best approach.

But what exactly is jealousy?

Is it resentment that one feels for someone else,

Their success or advantage that they have?

Is it the fear of losing something you feel is yours rightly or wrongly to someone else?

Ralph Hupka,

He's a professor of psychology at the California State University.

He defines jealousy as an anticipatory emotion.

It seeks to prevent loss.

I thought that was really interesting.

It's our worry of losing something that sparks thoughts like maybe he'll fall in love with his bubbly receptionist and leave me,

Right?

I mean,

These are examples of people that I've talked to.

She's going to lunch with her ex-boyfriend.

Obviously she's still attracted to him.

He'll come home and tell me he wants a divorce.

Obviously she'll get the promotion.

She's such a sycophant.

These aren't facts.

They're stories.

But they're stories that we tell ourselves.

Because listen,

Nobody wants a jealous partner or a sibling,

Colleague,

Friend.

Nobody enjoys feeling jealous or living out their jealousy with hurtful behavior.

But the pressing question is,

How do we overcome jealousy?

So I think there's two categories that we want to separate and talk about both of them.

First,

There's jealousy that is,

I have something and I am afraid to lose it.

And therefore I am jealous for it,

Right,

In the cases that you said of the husband and wife.

And then there is jealousy or envy where I think somebody else has something that I want and I don't have it and therefore I am feeling the lack.

And that manifests as envy towards the other person.

And the third part of this actually is,

As you said,

Often when we feel envious or jealous of somebody else,

We have to tear them down in some way for us to feel either less jealous or better about the lack that we have.

And I think,

Again,

I always go back to this because I think it's so important.

We'd like to think we're all altruistic,

Spiritual good people,

And I'm sure many of us are.

But I think it's always important to get back to what's in it for me.

And the czar has,

And again,

I know fear is not an option,

But there is maybe another thing to fear and that is envy.

And the czar says the following,

When you run after something that is not yours,

Then not only will you never grab that or achieve that,

But even what is yours,

You will lose.

So when I start looking outside of myself for what he or she has and I feel envious of it,

Then I have to realize that I am through that energy that I am putting out there,

Stealing,

Depriving my own blessings either from coming to me or staying with me.

There's a famous story,

A biblical story about a man named Korach who was very jealous of Moses who was the leader and for many other reasons.

And he rose up against him.

And that is where the czar really mentions this wisdom,

Which is that,

Again,

Not only did Korach not achieve everything that Moses had,

Which he wanted,

Which he coveted,

But he also lost everything that was his.

And when you think about that,

You think about that,

Again,

None of us are meant to be perfect here,

There are going to be those moments you walk into your friend's house and it's so beautiful and that first one is,

Oh,

I wish I had that.

That's okay.

It's not about being perfect,

But it's about realizing if I allow myself to dwell in the thoughts of coveting,

Of envy,

I am depriving myself and my blessings of energy,

Which means I am depriving myself of blessings that are meant to come to me and I'm depriving myself of the light and energy in the blessings that I already have.

So you do want to fear envy and you do want to fear jealousy because it actually will work to deprive you of the blessings that are coming to you.

Well,

So you're trying to scare us again.

I think,

Again,

I think this type of fear is a good fear.

I think you want to say to yourself,

Although,

You know,

This person has,

You know,

A beautiful thing or something that I also want,

If I keep looking outward and putting my energy there,

I am by that affecting the blessings that are meant to come to me and they will either be limited or the blessings that I have will either be limited or can be taken away from me.

And I think that's,

You know,

As I said,

It's not about being perfect,

Right?

It's not about being perfect.

There are going to be those moments of envy.

But you know,

Actually I was thinking about this today.

You know,

This would have called the 10 commandments.

We heard the concept that if not everybody knows what the 10 are and 10 is a very small number,

Right?

Even if you think about God is giving Moses,

You know,

The most important teachings,

You know,

And one of them that actually the 10th one is about coveting,

Is about looking outside either to somebody's wife or to somebody's property or to somebody's blessings and say,

I want to have that.

And I want to hear what you know,

What you were going to say.

But I just had one more thing and that is that when we allow ourselves to go out and look,

That,

As we said,

Really takes away from the potential blessings that are going to come to me and really starves my blessings of light.

There's only one type of envy or coveting that the that the sages say is a good one.

There's a phrase they say,

They teach that the coveting or envy towards wisdom actually creates more wisdom and more light,

Which means it's the right thing to say if you meet somebody and they're a very forgiving person.

We've been blessed to meet a few people like that and we've always and we actually speak about them a lot.

And we also have actually,

You know,

We're blessed to have friends that are very kind and we talk about them a lot.

And it's not that we're wishing they weren't kind or forgiving.

We're actually appreciating the blessing that they have and wishing it upon ourselves.

Trying to awaken it within ourselves.

Within ourselves.

And I think that that's the only of envy or coveting when you see somebody who has a beautiful quality.

And even,

By the way,

You can say,

I see this person has been very successful,

You know,

Even when he's talked to our children now.

And we have,

You know,

David who's 21 and he's one,

You know,

He's finishing college university and he's looking at what he wants to do in the world.

And we actually point out,

You know,

We've been blessed with people around us who have been successful in different areas in their lives saying,

No,

Actually look at this person,

Look at that person.

But not as in look at him,

Oh,

I wish I had what he had.

But what are the qualities that I can become better at so that I can be successful in that way or that I can be kind in that way or that I can be forgiving in that way?

And that's the only type of envy that you want to have.

When you look at somebody and the blessings that they have or qualities that they have or wisdom that they have and you say,

What can I do to achieve that as well?

So I love this conversation.

I feel like it might be confusing for our listeners when you call it envy because I don't think that's envy.

I think that for a person to be able to do what you just mentioned,

They need to be able to rise up above and elevate envy into something else.

Whether it's to want to mirror them or emulate them.

But I think that there's not a lack within them.

I think there's a desire within them to become something better.

And I think that's a very important point.

And I think actually,

Right.

And I think that maybe a good way to assess is by asking one simple question.

Having felt that emotion,

Does it propel me to action or does it paralyze me?

Exactly.

If my envy is,

Oh,

This guy had such a beautiful house.

I wish I had that.

And now I'm going to do nothing about it except be angry with that person or try to,

You know,

Or feel bad.

Right.

Then it's negative.

If having experience,

I say,

Oh,

So what can I do in my life to get to that place as well?

Whether it's about something physical or whether it's a quality,

You know,

And that's an important in many,

In many areas of our lives.

That's an important question.

And to feel that emotion,

Does it propel me or does it paralyze me?

I think you said this in one of your books,

The only person you need to measure yourself up against is the person you have the potential to become.

And I think this speaks exactly to what you're saying,

Because if you're measuring yourself against your own potential,

Then you will be able to see other people's amazing characteristics and success as something that awakens what you can also become.

Right.

For sure.

And that is how do I help remove that envy?

Right.

And that jealousy that I have that has awakened.

I think it may be the first place that you start is by realizing that nobody can ever take away what is mine,

That is actually mine.

And if I do my work,

Everything that I am meant to have and achieve will come to me.

OK,

This is the key,

Though.

I don't think people are afraid people will take things from them.

I think they're afraid they're not going to actually be able to manifest it themselves.

It's far easier to look at what somebody else has and knock them down because you're afraid you won't be able to do it if you try.

I'm sure that's true.

I'm sure that's true.

But hopefully our listeners are evolving in this way.

And all of us,

Not just our listeners,

Us as well,

Where we really and again,

This takes work.

This isn't something you hear this on a podcast.

And now it's part of you.

But to really remind yourself that what is mine is mine.

You know,

There's actually a beautiful teaching that I shared some time ago in the Bible,

In the Torah.

It says,

Actually,

One of the Ten Commandments,

As they're called,

It says,

You will not steal.

You will not steal.

Lotik nov is the original words.

You will not steal.

And that phrasing is interesting.

It doesn't say you should not steal,

But rather you will not steal.

Why was that phrasing chosen?

You will not.

As if it's impossible to steal rather than a commandment of you should not or you shall not steal.

So one of the great capitalists,

Really what I think is a beautiful teaching.

He says,

When,

Let's say you're walking down the street and somebody grabs your wallet and you just lost whatever.

$500 you had in your wallet.

That $500 was not yours.

For whatever reason,

Or reason you can understand right now,

Or maybe you can't,

You needed to lose that money.

It wasn't yours.

If you walk down the street and you $500,

That money was supposed to be yours.

So the capitalists say,

When it says you will not steal,

You cannot steal,

It means nobody can ever steal from me.

Even if somebody in the story of my life,

Somebody we've all had experiences of theft.

The reality is that that was never my money or I needed to lose that money.

And therefore the phrasing,

You will not steal.

Nobody can ever steal from somebody else,

Even if it looks like somebody is taking something from somebody else.

And I think that's such an important concept because it takes away so many fears.

Again,

If you take the time,

And I do strongly recommend to meditate on this truth,

What is mine is mine and nobody can ever take it from me.

What is not mine is not mine and I can never receive it.

And I certainly can never hold on to it if it's not mine.

And if you take the time to really meditate on that truth and go through life really thinking in this way,

You will become certainly less envious of other people.

You will be less jealous of other people because,

And you'll be more focused,

Which is the important part on what can I do to achieve my blessings.

And you can be spurred on,

Like we said,

It is important just to go back to the point that when I see somebody with something admirable or even some accomplishment that is admirable,

The thought should be,

I have so much within me as well to manifest,

Whether it's a beautiful house or whether it's the quality of kindness.

And how can I propel myself?

How can I grow myself to manifest my blessings?

Not that I am angry or upset with this person for having it,

But I want to use that as a driving force for me to grow in ways physical and spiritual.

I think there's three easy ways to do this.

Easy I like that.

I'm all about practical.

I think that thought followed by immediate action.

So the first is become a better communicator with yourself.

What do I mean by that?

When you become emotionally intelligent,

I'm going to speak about that again,

You are able to be in touch with the things that are important to you and you are able to free your mind and occupy it with only things that you want to achieve and manifest.

I remember somebody asked me once how I'm able to juggle so many different things at one time and I thought about it for a while.

I realized that a few years ago I was able to free parts of my mind that had been busy and had been occupied with what others think of me.

Approval,

Judgments,

Opinions,

Whatever it was.

And once I really was able to care less and really be free from that,

I was able to use all of that mental space.

That's a lot.

That mental space goes towards envy and jealousy,

All of those negative emotions.

When you remove that and you're in touch with what you want to manifest in this life,

You have freed up so much space in your mind and you actually are more motivated and driven to achieve those things.

So that's the first thing.

Communicate with yourself.

The second is to trust.

I think jealousy comes out of a lack of trust,

Right?

We call it certainty.

We lack the trust in the process of life.

We lack trust in ourselves and lack of trust breeds insecurity.

And when you're insecure,

Of course that then leads to jealousy.

So when you're able to practice what we spoke about earlier,

That everything that comes into your life is the best thing for you,

Even if you can't immediately recognize it,

You can't then fixate and get stuck on what other people have and what you should have or don't have.

You're able to say,

Okay,

I trust the process and all that will come to me will ultimately be good.

And the last again is take action.

It's so easy to just stay stuck and fixate on what other people have.

But as soon as you're able to shift your perspective and focus on what you desire,

Then you're able to manifest that daily.

If you wake up in the morning,

Instead of looking to your left or right or what this person has or you should have,

What they're busy doing,

Especially on social media or whatever it is,

If you're able just to pause and say,

What is it that I want to manifest?

How do I want to spend my days?

Where do I want to put my thoughts?

By focusing in that way,

Not on your neighbor,

Not on their house,

Not on what they're doing,

You cannot be afflicted by envy.

You're going to be able to use your power,

Your focus,

Your strength to create what it is you really desire.

But I think it's really important,

As you said that,

I realize,

I wonder,

But it might be true and sociologists at some point will probably do studies that they haven't already done,

That we might be living in the most envious and jealous time in human history.

Because we have never had a window,

A constant window into so many people's lives.

And I'm sure there's different reasons why people do it.

But I think this topic,

This conversation is so important now because like you said,

Jealousy and envy can be such a force of both disappointment and lack and anger,

As opposed to its only good form,

Which is as a way to propel my own growth and development.

So it's really a double edged sword.

I think most people without generalizing,

Although that was exact generalization,

I think many people,

Probably especially in today's climate of social media,

Fall so much more often into jealousy and envy that paralyzes from action rather than allowing the opportunity of those emotions.

Nothing happens by coincidence.

Why am I feeling,

Ask yourself,

Why am I feeling jealousy?

Well,

There's something that I need to grow from.

There's something that I am meant to propel myself from.

And I think it's an important question to ask yourself all the time,

Especially when you are either scrolling through Instagram or any other social media and you're feeling those,

You know,

I wish I had that or why does this person have that and so on and so forth or this person is a good person,

He or she don't deserve to have that.

If it's all about me and it really should be in this sense,

All about me,

How am I meant to grow from this?

How am I meant to do more from this?

I think also,

And this is something I speak about often,

The more we believe we deserve great things and I think that that's where people also get stuck,

The more difficult it will be to doubt and have insecurity,

Which creates jealousy within you.

So the next time the green eyed monster shows his face,

Remember that jealousy can be an extraordinarily powerful tool if we use it to propel ourselves to get more of what we desire,

Because as you said,

Whatever is ours cannot be touched by another.

If we're jealous of what somebody else has,

We can never receive or enjoy what is truly ours.

And I think that that's a healthy thought to have,

Right?

Certainly if you pause for a second and you're able to look at your life and the things that you have with appreciation and gratitude and they can't be side by side there,

Right?

So anytime you start to feel those feelings arise,

Pause and say,

Okay,

I appreciate what I have and I'm terrified of losing it,

Therefore I can't allow myself to look at another person's things and want them in that way that's not healthy for me or for them.

And I think that the keyword here is allow.

We have far more control over our thoughts,

Over our words,

Over our actions than we sometimes give ourselves credit.

For sure.

It's funny you reminded me of a phrase that my father,

The Robert often quote from his mom.

And she said it in Yiddish,

But I'll say it in English.

So I'm assuming most of our listeners understand English more.

That most people,

If they took their whole life,

They call it like their package of their life and threw it up and everybody went to the place where all everybody's packages,

Everybody would walk away with their own package.

Because at the end of the day,

The good and the bad,

The challenges and the blessings of your life are perfect for you if you're able to really see them,

Appreciate them and receive them.

Well,

Thank you for joining us and we will speak to you next week.

Yes.

Again,

As I say every time now,

I hope you enjoy listening to this as much as we enjoyed recording it.

And please continue to send your questions to Monica and Andy Michael at KABBALAH.

Com.

And again,

Over the next few weeks,

We'll get to as many of the questions as possible.

But again,

I hope that something of what we shared today empowers you to make even just one change,

One positive change in your life and all this hour.

Thank you.

Bye bye.