HSEP81 Battling Life & Feeling Inadequate

The thing that immediately comes up for me is this adorable human struggle that we have which is somehow in a confrontation with life where we are struggling against life.

We are battling life and we are sometimes so often trying to get beyond life and reach our idealized version of the future.

Maybe this hope that we might reach the classic if only.

If only I had this.

If only it wasn't this way.

If only I got what I wanted.

If only it was different.

And again understand that as I'm sharing these things I'm just looking at my own humanness and sharing what I see and you have the opportunity to see what resonates.

I'm in no way here to tell you what you should be doing,

What you should be thinking,

Or what you should be believing.

That's not the point at all.

What I love so much is the opportunity that I have to really just get honest about my own experience and share the insights that I discover.

And then apparently people enjoy hearing that and they find value in it.

So that's what's happening here.

But to address this battle that we are engaged in I really invite us to take a moment and just search our own hearts and see where that battle might be playing itself out.

What are the arguments that you have with life?

With other people?

And what does it seem like life is in the way of?

What does it seem like other people are in the way of?

What is it about that thing that we are chasing our wanting so badly that is somehow going to resolve the conflict that we might be with?

Right?

Because that's the nature of the if only.

We're attempting to heal some sort of conflict.

If only it was like XYZ then I wouldn't have to deal with A,

B,

And C.

If only life was like this and not like that then I could relax and be at peace.

If only I got what I wanted then I could feel loved and whole and complete.

And I guess the real fundamental thing that I want to point toward,

Which again is something that I see in my humanness,

Is this primary assumption that believes life is created in service of me becoming who I think I'm supposed to be.

Or it's in service of me getting what I want.

And then in that assumption it seems like life isn't playing along.

Life isn't doing what I think it needs to do in order for me to have what I want.

And this is really speaking to what I consider to be a core issue of the human struggle.

Where in essence we assume life is about me.

Life is about me getting what I want.

And if only I got what I wanted then I could have what I really want.

Which is some flavor of love,

Compassion,

And freedom.

So very playfully see if we can just recognize this.

That in the most adorable way our human is fighting against life to make things and circumstance how we want them to be.

So that we can connect with some flavor of love,

Compassion,

And freedom.

And again it's as classic as the person who says I want a billion dollars and we say why so I can relax.

We can say to the person who desperately wants to find a relationship partner why so that I can feel loved.

You see how on the surface there are these things that we proclaim that we want or need.

And it's to get those things so that we can have access to something else.

And the something else that we want access to is something within what we are.

We only want those things on the surface because we want something deeper inside of ourselves.

Which is interesting as I'm thinking about it or it's like the more we don't have those things on the surface then what we find is the opposite internal experience that we want.

Like for example if we really want more love and then we don't get what we want then we're left with more fear.

And so we want those things even more to escape the fear.

And of course that fear that we might be with gives rise to many different flavors of fear.

Whether we call it anger,

Jealousy,

Resentment,

Worry,

Stress.

Just notice that like how much of those flavors of fear inside of you seem to be there because you don't have what you think you want.

Or because life isn't playing along or other people aren't being how you want them to be.

See that in some way those internal fearful states are blaming something on the outside.

And again this is a playful inquiry.

It's not serious.

It's sincere but not serious.

Just see if you can recognize that.

How these anxieties,

These resentments,

These fears are somehow blaming something on the surface.

And the surface of course could be something in the past and some projection into the future.

But it's blaming something in the world or even something in yourself.

And this is the fight that I'm talking about.

Fight is so closely associated with blame.

Do you see how ancient this struggle is?

How long have we been playing this game?

This game of battling life.

Battling others.

Thinking we know how things should be if only they were how we wanted them to be.

How long have we been playing that game?

And even though we've been playing it our whole lives we continue to play it even though it doesn't work.

How many times have you anxiously chased after something thinking it would be the prize only to find out it's not what you thought it would be?

How many times have you anxiously held on to something so tightly only to watch it slip away from your grasp?

And the subsequent resentment that might have unfolded.

You see there's just so much battle that can be going on.

And it creates this tension that we can carry around with us.

And of course this tension becomes a defensiveness that builds a hard shell around our heart.

And I guess the question I want to ask you,

Because I ask myself,

In that persistent attempt to fight life,

How's it going?

In that determination to believe that this life thing is about me,

How's that going?

And the answer that I find,

Of course it's not going well.

Because the moment it seems like it's going well it quickly becomes obvious that it's not going well.

Again it's even like thinking that I'm here to get somewhere in life.

Like there's going to be a place that I'm going to reach.

And then as soon as I reach that place I'll never be afraid again.

I'll never worry again.

I'll finally feel like I'm enough.

Yada yada yada.

Never get there.

You can only stumble upon the illusion of there,

Right?

It's kind of like you get in a new relationship and it seems like you found it.

But then it's very temporary.

And then you find yourself right back where you started.

It's like,

Oh no,

I'm still insecure.

What happened?

Oh no,

Now I'm afraid of losing this.

And again underneath all of that,

Adorably and innocently and understandably,

There's this underlying assumption that this life thing is about me.

And I say this so that we can see how closely associated that is with the fight.

Like we're fighting on behalf of the me.

On behalf of what I think I want.

And I keep finding that there's another way.

And when I acknowledge that other way I actually relax and connect with what I want.

But of course in order to do that I have to surrender everything I'm fighting for.

Everything I think I'm missing.

And there's this realization that transforms my assumption and I realize,

Oh,

This life thing isn't about me.

Because,

Okay,

You know I talk about these things and there's so many things I want to say.

Let's look at the motivation and the energy behind all of our seeking.

And let's just call it our anxious seeking and our anxious wanting.

And even maybe the motivation of fear that seems to be driving it all.

Right?

Do you notice this?

Like anytime you feel tension or some sort of emotional disturbance,

There's fear behind that.

So I'm afraid of something.

And looking at my own experience,

What am I afraid of fundamentally?

And no matter what story I tell about it,

I can boil it all down to,

Oh,

I'm afraid of not being enough.

And that can show up in so many different ways,

Whether it's afraid of not being loved.

Afraid of not getting what I want because I think in getting what I want,

It'll make me enough.

And no matter what I seem to capture in this life,

No matter how much I can add to my experience,

It only seems to mask that underlying fear.

And that underlying fear keeps coming back around.

And so you have to continue and add,

Or you have to continue to run,

Which only masks and gives you an illusion of being enough.

In this fundamental journey makes me very curious about that inadequacy.

Like,

What is it about this feeling incomplete,

This feeling like I'm not enough,

That is so fundamental to this human experience?

And the answer,

I'm going to try and articulate it.

But the answer is so obvious to me.

Well,

Right now,

Sometimes it's not.

But the answer is so obvious.

And the way that I can articulate it is who I think I am isn't real,

Which is why who I think I am feels like it's not enough,

Because it's not,

It's not real.

And the more it wants to be real,

Which is also like saying,

The more I want it to be about me,

The more I encounter that it's not about me,

Which is also saying that who I think I am will never be real.

And there's this adorable human quality,

Where we imagine this character of ourselves.

And we want it to be real.

Which is also like wanting to be validated.

Like someone please tell me I'm real,

Please tell me I matter.

And again,

In some way,

This is all understandable,

And it has its place.

But for me,

There's just a fundamental truth here.

That my human inadequacy is the character of myself,

Feeling like it's not enough.

And seeking to be enough,

But never actually wins.

And this is,

In its own way spoken about in many,

If not all religious traditions.

It's only through the exhaustion of seeking,

Of trying to make it about you,

That we become open to see something more true.

And this is the beauty of suffering,

That if we pay attention,

It's actually trying to teach us something.

It's like the pain of holding on is a pain that's inviting you to let go.

And if I explore my heart and I find any ounce of resentment,

Any ounce of conflict,

Any ounce of whatever that creates tension,

Underneath it is that fear of not being enough.

The spiritual invitation,

As far as I'm concerned,

Is not developing a strategy,

Another strategy,

Of trying to become enough.

But the invitation is to acknowledge the truth of the matter and surrender the strategy.

To let life be what life really is,

To let it be about what it's really about,

And not try and use life or other people to somehow compensate for this inadequacy that I feel.

Because do you notice how much we do that?

It's like we want other people to be what we want them to be,

So that we don't have to feel inadequate.

It's kind of funny.

Isn't that why we want the world to be a certain way?

Isn't that why we want the future to be a certain way?

So that we can feel like we're enough,

Or that we don't have to encounter the pain of inadequacy?

You see,

And I really feel like I'm just rambling,

And my playful apologies,

But this is what I do.

I just invite you to look playfully at all of these stories in your mind that are battling life,

And see what you're battling for.

And is it not to somehow conquer this feeling of inadequacy?

To conquer this agenda of making who you think you are feel worthy and complete?

And maybe if you're not familiar with these things that I'm talking about,

You know,

The statement that who I think I am doesn't really exist,

This is just referring to the ego,

Which is the mental construct of who I think I am,

Which is a person in my mind that I imagine myself to be,

But that person only exists in the imagination.

That person does not exist in reality.

And it's so fascinating and beautifully profound how we can imagine this character of ourselves and superimpose it onto reality and to live from that imagination,

And yet it's not really there.

And if you look at your suffering,

If you look at that which makes life seemingly problematic,

It is so intimately tied to that character,

To a belief in that character,

And a belief that that's who you are.

And it's this character that's trying to navigate a dream world,

A world that's not really there.

Because in the same way that you can project this image of who you think you are and live from that character,

You can project an image of the world and then live in that world,

But that world isn't really there.

And this,

Of course,

Is the invitation of spirituality,

Is to come back to what's real.

Wake up from the dream.

The dream of who you think you are,

The dream of who you think other people are,

The dream of what you think is happening in life.

To come home and be still and connect with what's really happening,

Just like in this moment right now.

You know,

There's a thousand different stories that could be playing out,

And these stories can be believed in.

But yet,

If we ask ourselves,

But what's really happening?

What's real?

And that just invites a profound presence,

A presence that doesn't go swimming around in the mind.

Because everything that's going on in the mind is imagination.

It's creating worlds that are not really there.

It's creating a self that's not really there.

And this can be difficult because we're not so used to life beyond the mind.

It's so understandable that human beings believe thought and reality are the same thing,

Like whatever they think about is real.

And yet reality is so profoundly not the mind's content.

Just like the reality of you is so profoundly not the idea of you.

And the way I talk about this a lot to illustrate is like a photograph.

To take a photograph of you,

Sure it might look like you,

But it's so profoundly not you.

Right?

It's like it's not even alive.

It's just an image.

And that's everything in the mind.

It's just images.

Yet we can go through life believing in our images,

Which is kind of like saying worshiping images.

And all the while there is this miracle of existence where there's nothing to fear because we only fear the mind's content.

I've spoken about that a lot.

I don't think I'll dive into it now.

And you see,

I love that I can just ramble about this.

Because even though I repeat myself constantly,

It's such a beautiful reminder to look through these things and realize,

Oh,

I can just be still.

I can let go of all this noise,

The noise that keeps circling itself going nowhere.

And I could take a moment and just be present.

Realize that right now,

Right here,

There's nothing to be afraid of.

Right here,

Right now,

It's okay for me to just be as I am.

To realize that right here and right now is my real home.

I can surrender this fear of not being enough because being enough is impossible as it relates to who I think I am.

And just breathe into that space.

And sure,

You won't stay here,

So to speak.

You'll forget this and you'll go back to your dream and have your human experience and that's fine.

But we can take a moment and just check in.

Oh yeah,

This is what's real.

And then go play.

You see,

It's life that is enough.

Which is the same as saying that it's God that is enough,

Depending on your hangup with that word.

It's the truth of life that is enough.

It's what's real that is enough.

And so sure,

The realness of what I am is enough.

But that's not sufficient for the ego.

Because the ego doesn't live in reality.

The ego will forever feel inadequate.

Which for me,

The value of this is that it's like I get a chance to realize that,

Oh,

I'm not in this life to get something.

Because that implies that I'm missing something.

That implies that I'm incomplete.

Do you notice that?

Like if you really think that you're in this life to get something,

Then what you're saying is that in this moment,

You're incomplete.

You're saying that there's something out there that has your worth and value.

Something out there being in the future,

Which is in your imagination.

It's so wild.

It creates such a false landscape.

This idea that I'm here to get something is so insane.

And a deeper truth is realizing that I'm not here to get something,

I'm here to share something.

And if I'm here to share something,

Then I already have it.

And so that's the question,

What do I have to share?

Which is also like saying,

How can I serve?

Which is also like saying,

How can I love?

And that really invites a completely different inquiry.

From what am I missing,

So what can I go get?

To what can I share,

So what is beautiful within what I am?

And I look in that direction.

You know,

It's really amazing,

This transformational process.

Because the world has its idea of a transformational process of fixing this inadequacy.

I'm not interested in that one.

For me,

There's a deeper transformational process that's more about diving into a profound humility,

And an openness,

And an equality,

And a compassion.

And this transformation,

It's like it opens me up and invites me to love more.

Right?

It doesn't invite me to be more cool.

It doesn't invite me to be better than others.

It doesn't invite me to prove myself as important.

Rather,

It invites me to let go of all of that,

And relax into the deepest simplicity of being.

To come back to this moment,

And be grateful for this moment.

To be grateful for this miracle of being alive.

This miracle of life itself,

Where no one understands what's really going on.

Which is amazing,

As much as we try and figure out what's going on.

Sure,

Some things seem to make sense,

But big picture,

This is wild.

This whole being alive thing is absolutely wild.

It's unexplainable.

And then also,

In combination with that,

The profound truth that what I crave is some flavor of love,

Compassion,

And freedom,

Which are all internal experiences,

Is also wild.

Especially since the worldly conditioning was that I'm missing something and I need to go find it out in the world.

And then to wake up from that dream and realize that there's nothing out there.

And what I want isn't really out there.

Man,

That's such a beautiful invitation to relax.

And stop chasing and getting myself lost in the world.

My goodness.

But,

You know,

Let me tell you something.

And please hear me.

That even though this seems so incredibly obvious right now,

I'm going to go get lost again.

And think that I want something in the world.

And then probably suffer over it some way,

Somehow.

Welcome to being human.

That plays an important part of the discovery.

Like,

It's okay.

It's okay to forget this.

It's okay to get lost.

Because the remembering of it is so beautifully profound.

It's humbling.

It's like if I'm open to it,

Life has this beautiful way of bringing me back to center.

That place of profound equality.

Like any time I try and put myself above,

Life shows me I'm not.

And again,

You can fight against that,

Right?

You can battle life.

But life wins every time.

Because you see the truth of the matter of,

Oh,

This isn't about me.

Oh,

Okay.

This isn't about what I think is missing.

More deeply,

And maybe it's cliche,

But this is all about love.

This is so obviously all about love.

And I'd even go so far as to say it's all about God's love.

But again,

Depending on your relationship with the word.

It's so obviously about some fundamental structure of being where love desires to expand.

Which is an invitation for me to get out of the way and let the truth of life be the truth of life.

Let the truth of life be the truth of life.

Just to stop fighting.

To surrender all my arguments.

And if I'm invited to do anything,

What I see is an invitation to just be as honest and sincere as I can.

And let happen whatever happens.

And I think that this is really the test.

Whether it's in relationships,

Whether it's in your work and service,

Whether it's in whatever you're doing.

It seems like fundamentally,

There's this playful challenge of how open can I be?

How sincere can I be?

How honest can I be?

Even if that honesty is about my humanness,

That might not match the absurd spiritual expectation.

Like how much can I relax and allow myself to be myself?

Which is obviously a form of self-acceptance and self-love.

How much can I honor the reality of what is true about this that I am?

How much can I embrace what is real?

Sometimes it's really,

Really,

Really,

Really hard.

I think it's supposed to be.

Thanks for hanging out with me.