Being With Someone But Feeling Alone

Being with someone but feeling alone.

If you've been here before,

If you've been to some of my classes,

You know that I distinguish between feeling and emotion.

So let me explain quickly.

It starts with a trigger,

Something,

A voice,

A smell,

A sound,

Someone touches you.

Anything can be a trigger,

As you all know.

We've all been triggered before.

So anything can trigger you.

And what usually happens is that your body reacts to it.

And that's the emotion.

So the body feeling is the emotion.

Nothing happening there.

It's quite neutral.

Something is happening though.

And then your brain kicks in.

And your brain does an interpretation from all the experiences in your past,

From your values,

From your fears,

From your hopes,

From your dreams.

Everything that you've gone through in your life up until that moment,

It goes through that filter.

And then it comes out as a thought.

And that thought creates your feeling.

That what you call,

I feel alone,

Is basically literally just an interpretation of the trigger of your body feeling.

And I want to be very clear here.

We're talking about I feel alone.

So it's something that my brain comes up with as a thought.

And I give it the name,

The feeling of feeling alone.

If it's not clear,

Let me give you an example that I like to use to explain the difference in it's your choice what you feel.

So there is an athlete,

Professional athlete,

And there is an amateur.

And both are up to race.

And now this journalist is coming over and asking,

So how do you feel?

How do you feel?

And the professional says,

Well,

Sweaty palms,

My heart is racing and I'm quite like this.

I can't sit still.

I'm excited.

Then she walks to the amateur and the amateur says,

How do you feel?

And he said,

Wow,

My palms are sweaty.

My heart is racing.

I can't sit still.

I feel so nervous.

And here's the difference.

Both experience the same body feeling the same emotion,

But they go through this interpretation mechanism in their brain and create a different thought,

Hence a different feeling.

The one is feeling excited.

Yeah,

I look forward to this.

And the other one is feeling nervous.

So what does that tell us?

It means that you choose your feeling,

Even though I know it's been said out there in the world so often that you don't choose your feelings,

Your feelings are happening.

And I believe that for so,

So long until I learned that,

No,

That's actually not what's happening.

It's an interpretation and it's all happening because I choose to let it happen.

When we talk about emotional regulation,

We talk about the emotions in the body.

It's not about I feel when you say I feel sad.

You actually mean in your body is something happening that feels like heavy,

Maybe that feels like a weight on your shoulder,

Whatever it is.

But that's what we're regulating.

We're not regulating the naming of the interpretation.

So feeling alone.

Now,

That's the question,

Then what thought is behind that feeling?

Think about your own experience when you had that experience of I felt alone.

Do you remember what thought you had?

Probably not.

And that's totally OK.

And that's totally normal because that can happen in milliseconds.

Thoughts created feeling is there full stop.

And then you react like.

Yeah,

Because the action comes after and action can be something you do or that you don't do.

Action is anything behavior type.

And the important part here is what thought did you have?

And based on that,

I put a couple of examples together that might explain why you choose to name it feeling alone.

So my first example,

And I hear this from a lot of my one on one clients or the students in my program,

Is they don't understand me,

My partner.

He or she doesn't understand me.

And what's happening here,

We humans are built,

We want to feel understood.

And that is because if that person,

Whoever I put that on him,

If my partner is understanding me,

That means my thoughts,

My feeling,

My opinion gets legitimized.

They give me their OK.

So what you basically do is you're trying to get that external validation for what you're feeling,

For what you're thinking,

For what your opinion is about a topic.

And if they don't agree with you,

If they know that's BS or you're too sensitive,

Whatever it is,

Because we hear these things.

I know my partner sometimes says,

Yeah,

You're far too emotional about this.

And I was like,

Please understand me.

But I also know now I just want his approval.

Because something inside me doubts myself,

My own opinion.

I'm just reading here if I told you everything that I want.

Yeah,

Because you doubt yourself,

Your opinion is less than theirs.

You're putting that external validation.

If you give me your OK,

I am right,

Then I must be right.

If you're not giving me your OK,

Then you're to blame because you don't understand me.

But we're forgetting that it's us.

It's just a mirror.

Our partner is a mirror.

Our interactions with other people,

It's a mirror.

So another example,

Another thought that might go through your head that you then name as I'm feeling alone is they don't listen.

I had a client today and she said,

They don't listen.

My partner,

He's not listening.

He's just not listening.

So why is it so important for you that he listens?

What validation can your partner give you that you seek so that you feel hurt?

What aren't you giving yourself?

Do you hear yourself?

Do you give yourself everything you need?

Because if that would be the case,

You wouldn't need that external validation from your partner to listen.

Listen to me.

You want to be heard.

You want to be understood.

But it's because there's something inside you that doubts yourself.

We're coming back to the same thing.

It's the same loop.

It's the same background for these thoughts,

For this feeling.

Another example of thoughts could be they are not interested in fill in the blank.

In the end,

You say,

In me,

In what I have to say,

In what I'm doing,

In my job,

In my hobbies,

In my feelings,

They're not interested.

Or classic,

They don't care.

Or you just don't care about me.

You don't care how I feel.

But the big question is,

Do you care?

Do you care about what you feel,

About what's going on inside you,

Of what's there?

What is there that you miss and that you try to get from your partner?

And putting all of that pressure,

Literally,

On the other person to give you something that you are not able to give yourself.

You're outsourcing your worth.

If they say,

You're right,

If they say,

I care,

If they say,

Yeah,

I'm totally interested in what you do,

Oh,

That's so interesting,

Then you feel good.

And you don't feel alone.

So you're outsourcing the worth that you currently are not able to give yourself.

I also write,

Written down,

You don't believe in yourself.

You don't trust yourself.

You don't trust in your opinion.

You don't trust in your boundaries.

You don't trust in your decisions.

That's all connected to self-connection,

The self-awareness,

The self-acceptance,

That there is a big struggle.

And because you mirror that,

They say something,

They do something,

Whatever they do,

And you give it that meaning of,

Oh,

They don't understand me.

Because I said that to my client today as well,

Like,

Remember,

Your life is meaningless.

Everything that's happening has no meaning as it happens,

But you come in and you give it meaning.

So even if your partner isn't listening to you,

Because they're on their phone,

Whatever,

It doesn't mean they're not interested.

It doesn't mean they don't care.

It doesn't mean they don't listen.

And it doesn't mean that they don't understand you.

It just means that you are triggered and you're waiting for that external validation because you don't get it from yourself.

So you're putting that pressure that you need to do something because I probably don't even know that I'm not doing it.

That's the awareness.

Are you aware that you're outsourcing how you feel?

That you put it on someone else how you feel?

And the disconnection in your relationship starts to build.

And it happens because you put that on your partner,

Say,

Their behavior is why I feel like that.

And that sparks resentment.

Because your thoughts are,

They don't understand me.

I feel alone.

They are to blame.

And resentment is a tricky thing because it might just be a little bit today,

A little bit tomorrow,

A little bit next week.

But it builds up.

And with time,

The disconnect,

The emotional disconnect,

The emotional disconnect,

What I mean by that is that you trust them,

That you feel free to be yourself around them.

That kind of emotional disconnect is getting bigger and bigger.

And in the end,

It's because you haven't been honest to yourself.

And I'm not saying this to shame,

To blame or to judge you.

I'm saying this so that you can become aware of that you're doing it.

And we're not even,

We don't need to go into why am I doing this?

It doesn't matter.

I firmly believe,

I know many people think differently,

But I firmly believe it doesn't matter why you do it.

What matters is that you become aware of it.

Say,

Oh,

I'm doing it without shame,

Without blame,

Without judgment.

And that's also the first step in the 3R process that I'm introducing you to and that I teach my clients and students,

Because that is what you do.

That's your first step.

You become aware that,

Oh,

Yeah,

I have these thoughts.

Yes,

I feel alone.

And it's because of their behavior.

Behavior.

And you do that again,

Without blame,

Without shame,

Without the judgment towards them and towards yourself.

That's the most important part,

Because we want to stop that inner war with ourselves.

We don't want to continue to spiral into why am I doing this?

Why can't I just stop?

Why do I feel like that?

There's no need.

And become aware and accept it.

That's the second step,

The reconnect with yourself.

And when I talk about acceptance,

What I mean,

It's not the meeting that we say,

I accept it.

It's OK.

I don't need to do anything else ever again.

And I'm fine with it.

No,

That's not what I mean.

Acceptance in my books means that we take it as it is.

I feel alone because I have these thoughts,

Because I'm craving their approval.

OK,

That's what it is today.

That's what I'm craving today.

That's what I need today.

No judgment,

No blame,

No shame.

It's just like a fun fact.

You might not see it as a fun fact,

But it's just what it is.

It's a fact.

This is what you crave today.

And by doing that,

By accepting it this way,

You stop that inner war,

Questioning what's wrong with me?

Why am I doing this?

Why can't I be different?

Why can't they be different?

Because your romantic relationship is a reflection of the relationship you have with yourself.

So if there's a disconnect between your partner and you,

I would bet a couple of bucks that the disconnect is actually between you and you.

So with yourself,

There's a disconnect that you don't want to see that,

That you don't admit it to yourself,

That you have these thoughts,

That you do have these feelings,

That you do blame yourself.

But as soon as you let it be what it is and sit with it,

It's like,

Come here,

Little feeling,

Stay with me.

We're sitting in this together,

Be comfortable with the uncomfortable.

As soon as you are able to do that,

The inner war stops,

Gets quieter and quieter.

So the third part of the 3R process,

We have the recognize,

Become aware,

We have the reconnect,

It's like,

Accept that this is what you need today.

And now we rebuild.

So here comes the practical part for the relationship.

And as I mentioned,

Life is meaningless.

Every situation,

Everything that happens,

Everything that your partner does,

It's meaningless.

You give it the meaning,

You give it the interpretation.

So what you could do,

You could literally ask,

Is now a good time to talk?

Because sometimes when my clients say,

I tried to talk to them,

I said,

How did you do that?

Walk me through it.

And I say,

Yeah,

They came home.

And then I said,

Oh,

We need to talk.

I said,

Did you give them time to calm down,

Take their shoes off,

Even the jackets?

Did you give them time?

Did you ask them if now is a good time to talk that they have the mental capacity to even listen to you?

Or if they still in their heads with work,

With something that just happened or whatever.

Because we don't know that.

But we just jump on the person,

Say,

Now listen to me,

Because I've been talking to myself and taking this with me all day.

And now it has to come out.

Now we need to talk.

But we are not aware.

We don't know if that other person is mentally now open to listen.

So you can ask.

Is now a good time to talk?

They say,

Well,

There's something I would like to talk to you about.

It's how I feel.

And they might say,

No,

Now it's not good.

OK,

When can we talk after dinner?

Be a bit more specific,

Not later,

Because later,

When's later.

But can we talk after dinner?

Can we talk after breakfast?

Can we talk in bed?

Yeah,

Be a bit more specific with the time.

So both of,

You know,

Then that's when we're going to talk and they can prepare for that chat,

Whatever might happen.

But they will make sure.

So,

OK,

I don't know what's going on,

At least I know that for my partner,

It's like I don't know what's going on and what's going to happen,

But.

OK,

I get ready to listen,

To pay attention.

Another thing you could do,

And this is very common,

I have that here.

I don't know how it is where you are,

Guys,

But here in China,

People are constantly on their phone,

They eat on their phone,

They do stuff and then they talk to you.

And I myself,

I want to have the full attention.

So I wait.

When someone with whoever I am,

My partner,

A friend,

A work colleague,

If I talk and they grab their phone.

I stop and I wait.

No blame,

No shame,

No judgment.

It's just like I wait because I know I want to have the full attention.

I'm not sharing my attention with the phone.

Or if someone else is coming,

I just wait.

And I don't take it personally.

Because I want to have the attention.

So I'm going to wait to get the full attention.

I'm OK with that.

I accept it.

And I want 100 percent attention or as much as possible.

So I'm willing to wait for it.

I could also say,

No,

They just need to give me their attention,

But I can't control the other people.

I have that expectation and that expectation probably then gets destroyed and disappointed.

I don't want that.

So I decide I'll wait.

However long.

And if I get to a point,

I say,

OK,

This is too much.

OK.

Are you ready to give me your attention again?

If not,

Fine.

But then I'm leaving.

Yeah.

I'm OK with that.

No hard feelings.

But you make sure that you know what are you willing to give.

And don't put it on the other person and expect them to behave in a way that works for you.

OK.

The next one is.

Because I think it was last week,

A client told me that she.

It was something from school and she talked to her partner,

Told him how it was at school,

That parent thingy.

And.

Apparently,

Their body language was like,

OK.

And he said it didn't seem interested.

I put so much effort into to do that and he just wasn't interested.

So did you ask him?

Did you ask him if he was interested?

So I expect it.

And of course,

We do that.

We expect other people to be interested in what we have to say.

And if they don't,

We might feel alone.

We might feel misunderstood.

We might feel worthless.

That's where it comes from.

But it's your expectation.

But you could just ask.

Are you interested in this topic?

And they might say no.

That's OK,

Because I know when I talk about work,

When I talk about psychology,

NLP,

Coaching and all of that,

I can see I can literally see it in my partner's eye that it's like blank.

And then I know,

OK,

I lost him.

This is a topic that if I want to talk about this topic,

I probably should find a person that's interested in this topic.

Now,

If it's something about me personally that I feel like I want you to know this.

That's a different question.

Because if they then if I talk about me,

Because my partner tells me that's it,

That I make very long pauses sometimes when I.

When when I talk about an event that's happening like you guys now notice sometimes I make long pauses and then he's like and he talks in between.

It's like,

No,

I haven't finished.

You are allowed to say that,

But say it without blame,

Without shame,

Without judgment.

Don't say like,

Why?

Why do you talk in between?

I haven't finished yet.

That's the difference.

If you just say.

I tell him,

Was my pause too long?

He said,

Yes,

But I haven't finished.

Then continue.

Yeah,

You can have fun with it,

But you only have fun with it when you accept it that this is who you are.

It's that self-acceptance.

And do I love that I make long pauses when I talk sometimes?

No.

Do I hate it?

No.

It's there.

I also don't have a need to change it.

I would love to talk on stage and like these famous people and it's like,

Wow,

All these words they use and how pretty they put the sentences together.

I would love to be able to do that,

But I'm not willing to practice.

I'm not willing to pay someone to teach me.

OK,

So I work with my long pauses.

That's what makes me me and I'm OK with that.

I'm not shaming myself,

But I'm also honest to myself that I'm not willing to put any effort in to change it.

So this is what is today,

Maybe by talking more,

It gets better,

Maybe not.

Who knows?

But that's the self-acceptance.

And that brings me to the end of my lecture today.